How did YOU pull yourself up again after being hurt.?

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Author	Topic: How did YOU pull yourself up again after being hurt.?
Karah_Mia Member Posts: 354 Registered: Jun 2004	posted 30 July 2004 09:46 AM LouLou, they will finally call for medical help for me here in my office if I continue howling with laughter uncontrollably.... IP: Logged
ahmed2004 Member Posts: 170 Registered: Jun 2004	posted 30 July 2004 12:08 PM she has a great sense of humor,,,,,,,,,,,,,, IP: Logged
Luxorlover Member Posts: 944 Registered: Jun 2004	posted 30 July 2004 01:00 PM Life's too short to be bloody miserable IP: Logged
Karah_Mia Member Posts: 354 Registered: Jun 2004	posted 30 July 2004 02:21 PM quote: Originally posted by Luxorlover: Life's too short to be bloody miserable LouLou, u r bloody right! IP: Logged
MisplacedinAlex Junior Member Posts: 22 Registered: Jul 2004	posted 03 August 2004 09:27 AM This is great! Wish I had this info. and sharing of problems back when..... After 7 yr. period of a happy marriage(so I thought) my husband decided to up & leave me & 2 toddlers on my 7 yr anniversary after I complained what's wrong with you you didn't even call today and that really hurt my feelings. I had no clue it was coming & thought it's another woman. Still don't know it this is true, never proved it, he denied it. However after 6 mnths separation we did reunite & everything is really great now! During this freak out time I cried & was depressed on & off I didn't have much support and felt like most friends, family were tired of hearing about my problems. I also felt noone understood & couldn't even get someone to sit with my kids then 2 &4, so I could have some alone time which was very needed! I'd say only 1 true friend I could really confide in although she was more supportive of dumping him & getting all I could out of him financially. Family wasn't too supportive just gave bad advice. What did I do? I didn't eat, sleep or feel like doing much but I got out of that bed and I lost 30 pds in 2 mnths and bought new cool clothes! I found talking about it to friends, relatives (who made it worse) and even strangers helped me immensely instead of holding it in or staying in all day. I did try therapist but found that not so helpful -"how do you feel" I already knew what I was supposed to do.(expensive also)I even went to a physic who actually helped more than the therapist. I talked about it, I asked advice, I moaped, & then I tried to go out w/friends some...even tried the bar scene again (awful). I got asked out twice in normal day time settings & I went. I did date a guy younger than me a couple of times & that boasted my ego. I tried to get out even when I felt like ___! I always looked my best and acted like I had somewhere to go upon seeing him. I also bitched & ranted & tried to be vindictive at first, even played detective several times. I emerged myself into motherhood and realized they were most important! I also did try a new career, moved to a nearby town not to have the memories staring at me in the face or pass by our restaurant, which I didn't stick to in the long run, but all these things helped along with frequent chocolate flings & laughing! Did the pain go away?? No, after 2 yrs. some of it is still there especially in dreams! The weight came back! I try to not dwell on that time period but it was painful, ego shattering and especially since I didn't have a clue it was coming. We were always saying we're not like so and so we still have love/lust romance. We have & had the soul mate type relationship & the real reason he has a major stress attack about his own business/trying to buy a home at time, and me nagging about 2 kids when he wrked 65 hr weeks & not involved in kids life. So anyway he has sold his business now to be with the family! We are much better at communicating and not holding our thoughts in. I realize I had some issues also. You may need to know my background: family of 6, mthr extremely negative against her husband/all men. Not much positive feedback in parents, never affectionate,mostly bought things to please us. 4 sisters,1 bro., either in or had bad marriages also. College degree, worked since 16 yrs. middle class, personnel asst. career 6 yrs, retail 7 yrs., secretary 5 yrs. also owned restaurantw/husband 6 yrs.in USA. Relationships past only 1 serious way back & others casual. Lived in 4 cities to change atmosphere, Raleigh, N.c., Annapolis, Md., Atlanta, GA (Favorite), Greensboro, NC. Have 2 awesome children had 4 miscarriages and a dad whom lived with during cancer & died of cancer while I took care of him. This while breast feeding infant & care of 2 yr old. Split happened 1 yr after this. Nearly went crazy? Oh and listened and learned to love country music!!! okay enough,hope it helps! IP: Logged
Luxorlover Member Posts: 944 Registered: Jun 2004	posted 03 August 2004 01:20 PM Thank you misplacedinalex. I know that everyone who has posted on this line knows how you felt. You say that you are back together again now. Can I ask if you think you would have gained full control of your life and moved on if this had not happened? Strange that you should say that your mother was negative. Mine was the most totally pessimistic person I have ever met. Her philosophy was "always think the worse will happen and then you are never disappointed". What a dreadful way to live a life. I am so happy for you that your relationship is back on track and that your children have regained their father. No 'sin' is ever so dire that forgiveness should be ruled out. IP: Logged
Ayisha Member Posts: 112 Registered: Jul 2004	posted 04 August 2004 08:31 AM read them all and think i will have to come back to spend a few hours on posting mine too be back when I got a decent supply of coffee, chocolate and hankies IP: Logged
Karah_Mia Member Posts: 354 Registered: Jun 2004	posted 04 August 2004 08:33 AM quote: Originally posted by Ayisha: read them all and think i will have to come back to spend a few hours on posting mine too be back when I got a decent supply of coffee, chocolate and hankies C'mon over girl; sisters are waiting for ya. IP: Logged
Ayisha Member Posts: 112 Registered: Jul 2004	posted 04 August 2004 08:41 AM have you got endless supply of coffee, chocolate and rainforest worth of paper hankies?? im on my way quote: Originally posted by Karah_Mia: C'mon over girl; sisters are waiting for ya. IP: Logged
Ayisha Member Posts: 112 Registered: Jul 2004	posted 04 August 2004 10:38 AM Not sure on where to start on this one. Unlike many I had a great childhood, loving parents, ordinary life and a younger sister that got everything she wished for plus! but that was ok, we are chalk and cheese anyway and parents could afford more as she was growing up than when I was younger. I was married at 16, because of course you know what you want at that age (lol). First kick into reality was when I was pregnant (3 months after marriage) and my hubby was trying it on with my mate, i left him when my daughter was 10 weeks old. I dont really remember if that hurt too much or not now, it was a LONG time ago and time DOES heal. A year later I met a man and thought i was in love as you do, but i didnt marry him. i got pregnant again (all planned) and he became abusive. many things happened over the time i was pregnant and fear was a part of life. it ended when the police took him away. Now i was 19 with 2 kids and scared of him coming round, which he did a few times, that also was a long time ago and i still have a fear of men. at 21 i met a lovely man that took on me and the kids and we got married. This marriage lasted 21 years and i had another child, but I knew after the first 2 years it was not right. he too was violent but not physically with me as the last had been. This one just smashed the house up a few times. But he did not know how to feel or show love or affection at all, his excuse was he never had it as a kid. he also drank a lot and would not work, he saw himself as a ganster lol. we spent all that time on benefits while I studied to get my qualifications and get work. i made a promise to myself after the first 5 years that if nothing got better i give it 20 years, i couldnt get out sooner as he always threatened to take my youngest daughter (his child)and after 20 years with him she would be old enough to cope with a break up so i stayed. i had no love or affection during all this time which was hard coming from a loving family as i had. I aslo never strayed, or found it elsewhere and just thought i couldnt 'feel' anymore due to age (lol).When i eventually said i wanted a divorce he left and my youngest went with him anyway, but she was 17 then and made her own mind up. I was knee deep in debt that he left me in which was a struggle to get out of but i did it. the first 5 months were hardest as I was now 42 and alone for the first time in my life, no kids, no man, parents both dead. i didnt know who i was anymore and had a hard time backtracking over the past, crying was a daily sometimes hourly passtime, even though it was me that ended it it wasnt easy to come to terms with after all that time. Thank God I had a few good friends that saw me through and they worked hard to build my confidence, which i had always been lacking anyway. Funny thing was all my kids said they didnt know how i had stuck it so long!!! ok not too bad and no mental breakdowns so far! After 5 months my sister (who has a rich hubby) took me to Paris all paid for by her hubby. the first time i had ever left UK in my life! 42 and seen sod all!! thats where i met HIM..the egyptian..affectionally now called the ba*rd...i fell head over heals in love BIG time. YES he was younger..YES he was the most beautiful man i had ever seen...and NO of course i didnt listen to anyone else...I was back and forth to Paris on a regular basis, EMA knew me by name!!!I had the time of my life and was totally blind and madly in love. (remember i hadnt had this for so many years) I met some lovely people through him, all egyptian mostly copts but a few muslims, and one french woman who 'helped' christian egyptians in his situation.....his situation, i found later, was he was an overstayer in Paris. When this came out i was too blinded by love i didnt think about anything else but how i could help, how we could be together. This is when the money thing started but i didnt mind because i loved him and of course he loved me! After it ran out (and the bank loan) he agreed to my suggestion of applying at the british embassy in cairo to come as a fiance as we couldnt marry in france. the only places we could marry was UK or egypt. i did all the research and became an expert in immigration. to do that he had to return to cairo...when we landed he completely changed.....the embassy refused which devastated me and he 'sent' me home early, he would not marry me in egypt nor did i meet his family apart from his elder sister and her hubby who was an english teacher (egyptian). When i got back to UK i started the appeal, that took 1 year, all the time i was calling egypt and also gave him money again and he 'got a new passport' and returned to paris. When i joined him there his friends of previous didnt want to know him including the french woman who i was in contact with also. When i asked her why she asked did i really want to know? we met alone at one end of paris while some others occupied him at the other end. What i was told by her tore the world from under my feet. he had been staying with her and her family of hubby and 2 daughters (15 and 17) before we left for cairo. he had slept with the elder one and raped the younger one. this had not come out until later after we had left. he had also sometime earlier been working at the coast,met a woman and brought her back to live at the flat i was paying for!! only to throw her out when he knew i was coming back and she had refused to marry him immediately. he had slept with just about every female in paris, french or foreign, (no men that i found thank God) and when my friend and i had arrived the day before told his friend in arabic that he wanted her too!!!!! i got a call from him, he was with my friend (who i trust with my life, kids, money, house, men, anything)at the hotel, i spoke to her and said i was on my way. i got back to the hotel and anger took over, even she was scared! i am never like that! he left the hotel. the rest of my time there was him trying to talk to me, crying, begging, all sorts. when i got on the plane to go home i cried and didnt stop for 3 weeks till the prozac started to have a better effect than the drink. No thats not the end...after a few weeks he called from vienna, he spoke, i cried, for 2 hours. After that he called from germany, again i cried, (dunno where it all came from, i could have filled the nile) eventually, blind as i was, he convinced me they were all lying and the french woman hated brits anyway! this seemed logical as my reaction to a man who had raped my girl and come back again was not as hers was, i would have killed him!! so.........again i went running off to germany this time! the second time i was there he had to go back to egypt to wait the appeal, but something he did to me made me rethink and believe more of what the french woman had said, sadly. the appeal was refused on the grounds that they could see he was after a uk visa and i was blind and stupid. i would have done anything for him, i would have married him in egypt or lived on the moon in a cardboard box!! i didnt care. but no, he wanted uk, i should have seen it but you dont want to do you? eventually i found something better, no not a man, and i kind of had to give him up anyway, i couldnt afford him anymore and was up to my eyes in debt. That was over 2 years ago now and he still calls (now from milan) but i dont talk to him.......i cant....Yes i STILL cry often when i think about him. I dont think i will ever find again what i 'thought' i had then. I do think hes sorry now hes lost me but thats his lesson to learn. OK thats my life story i hope you all snoozing nicely now, but it doesnt say HOW i got over it. Well lots of good friends who will listen is one thing, without the 'i told you so'. PROZAC is another. Also, when you think of the good and start to miss them quicky remember the BAD parts that made it hurt so much. yes i have wanted to end it many times. Driving from work I have a long fast road, i often thought just one quick turn of the wheel and thats all over. BUT i think of the GOOD things that came from it....Egypt, i loved it! Mohammad Mounir!! Amr Diab!! Foul!! and i love travelling which I had never done before. i wouldnt even go 50 miles alone here before now I will go anywhere alone. But am i over it?? i really dont know to be honest, im here crying now so no maybe not. But i know time heals and i WILL be ok. i have found ME and what i want. Im still not too confident but i dont think i am meant to be. i have a lot of love to give the right man, but he will have to prove himself and also compensate for the ba*rd, poor guy. but if i dont find him, so what? i got friends and as i said i found something better anyway. The main thing is to keep looking FORWARD, that is why God put eyes in the FRONT of your head and not the back and YESSSSSS to the person that said get SELFISH!!! do what YOU want to do. get what YOU want from life. im not saying sod everyone else no way, but when it comes down to it we born alone and we die alone, we face god alone, so we have to find 'our way' alone, yes people help LOADS and LOADS, friends are the family we chose ourselves and they can be more than any man when it comes to it, because they dont run AWAY at the first sign of trouble, they run TO you. The pain of love is the worse pain but there are many people MUCH worse off than me for many reasons. its ok for me to sit here and feel sorry for myself, as we all do at times, but then I look and find my cup half FULL not half EMPTY. More in the book i intend to write one day 1. friends you can moan to with shoulders you can cry on constantly 2. prozac 3. pray 4. believe in YOU 5. believe in YOU 6. believe in YOU 7. believe in YOU the end ------------------ I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it :D IP: Logged
Ayisha Member Posts: 112 Registered: Jul 2004	posted 04 August 2004 10:44 AM OMG i just seen how LONG that was, sooooooo sorry i got carried away ------------------ I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it :D IP: Logged
Luxorlover Member Posts: 944 Registered: Jun 2004	posted 04 August 2004 11:01 AM Nobody is snoozing,I think they are all crying too. IP: Logged
Ayisha Member Posts: 112 Registered: Jul 2004	posted 04 August 2004 11:26 AM have a choccy and heres a hanky LL, you dont mind it a bit used do you? quote: Originally posted by Luxorlover: Nobody is snoozing,I think they are all crying too. IP: Logged
Karah_Mia Member Posts: 354 Registered: Jun 2004	posted 04 August 2004 11:33 AM Ayisha, love, I wish I could give you a BIG HUG now, ok, here it is: XXX. You are one gal to be admired and I do it from the bottom of my heart. Where do you live now? If there is anything I could to brighten your mood when you feel down, please email me anytime. iwonabc @ yahoo IP: Logged
Ayisha Member Posts: 112 Registered: Jul 2004	posted 04 August 2004 11:49 AM awwww dont hug me i cry WAAAAAAAA WAAAAAA WAAAAAAA ty quote: Originally posted by Karah_Mia: Ayisha, love, I wish I could give you a BIG HUG now, ok, here it is: XXX. You are one gal to be admired and I do it from the bottom of my heart. Where do you live now? If there is anything I could to brighten your mood when you feel down, please email me anytime. iwonabc @ yahoo IP: Logged
Carleen Member Posts: 246 Registered: May 2004	posted 04 August 2004 09:18 PM Wow Ayisha, I really, really feel for you... My goodness... I wish Egypt weren't so durn expensive from the US. We could organize an ES Girls Slumber Party, and really talk properly. Alas, as it stands, I'm just afraid that some asshole(s) on this board is going to use your story to hurt you. IP: Logged
Carleen Member Posts: 246 Registered: May 2004	posted 04 August 2004 09:20 PM Oh dear, I think the language here lately has infected me. Oh well, if the shoe fits! IP: Logged
Natashiah Member Posts: 284 Registered: Jun 2004	posted 05 August 2004 01:02 AM Gees Ayesha...and here I thought I had it bad...Now I understand what my mother meant when she said..."If you feel bad about your own situation look at someone else and you will see there are people worse off than you...and they are not complaining!" Good luck honey...keep your chin up! IP: Logged
Luxorlover Member Posts: 944 Registered: Jun 2004	posted 05 August 2004 04:28 AM I am probably tempting fate now but so far we seem to have been left alone. This is a positive line and I pray that it stays that way. Everyone here has been hurt but is managing the pain and is getting on with their lives. That is wonderful. IP: Logged
Ayisha Member Posts: 112 Registered: Jul 2004	posted 05 August 2004 06:04 AM i can almost hear the nasty people plotting now! Oh well girls after what we been through collectively, how is a few sad moronic low lifes comments going to make any dent in the pain we already getting through? all of us keep smiling coz WE the winners in the end LL you go back tomorrow and im sick of looking for flights i wish i was going too. say salam to the Nile for me 'sob sob' ------------------ I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it :D IP: Logged
asiaq Member Posts: 108 Registered: May 2004	posted 05 August 2004 07:09 AM * [This message has been edited by asiaq (edited 10 August 2004).] IP: Logged
Luxorlover Member Posts: 944 Registered: Jun 2004	posted 05 August 2004 08:00 AM Sssshhhhhhhhhsh _ Ahmed will hear and I've still got my surgical stockings on. IP: Logged
Karah_Mia Member Posts: 354 Registered: Jun 2004	posted 05 August 2004 10:42 AM quote: Originally posted by Luxorlover: Sssshhhhhhhhhsh _ Ahmed will hear and I've still got my surgical stockings on. LouLou it is my favorite part of your wardrobe, I admit. I have discreetly challenged the demons here to attack me and nothing. They do not like me. BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" IP: Logged
MisplacedinAlex Junior Member Posts: 22 Registered: Jul 2004	posted 05 August 2004 05:17 PM I thank you L.L. for your kind words, and in reply, yes I would of gone on mainly for the children, although at first I wouldn't have been estactic about it. I did move to a new city, and find a new job back then which I am proud of considering the circumstances back then. I was supposed to not work according to lawyer and have husband to keep us in the style of life we were accustomed to. I didn't work f.t. then. I helped him out at our restaurant at that time. (before sep.) One thing I can say is it may have had some positive effects, such as I let him take care of me emotionally and financially (always) and when I was by myself (even if miserable) I gained more of my old 1/2 confident, independent self back. Yes, it's a miracle we both have been in any relationships with negative mothers like we had. I really cried reading Ayisha's post, hang in there. Also you know what really sticks in my mind about that depressing time, I kept resenting like he__ that when children are involved the man during these separations or what have you, always doesn't get the added responsibility of trying not to look miserable in front of the kids, trying to remain normal...he can go & come as he pleases whereever he was and you who are supposed to start over or be storng have so much more to cope with. You can't really go out constantly and try to be social, happy go lucky, enjoy new things with the kids to take care of. (unless u can afford the $10 hr sitters, or have allot of good support sitters.) It just isn't fair. Not that I wanted to all of that time, it would of helped to have had the option. I hope more woman share these experiences it is a good thing. IP: Logged
Shareen Member Posts: 638 Registered: Jun 2002	posted 05 August 2004 05:51 PM quote: Originally posted by Carleen: wish Egypt weren't so durn expensive from the US. We could organize an ES Girls Slumber Party, and really talk properly. Lol, I am sure we can organise something.... middle ground you think? How about EMA? England is roughly halfway between the States and Egypt, and for sure, Ayisha and myself wouldnt have far to travel! And who knows where we might find a flight to! But for all of you who posted here, thank you for sharing your stories. I dont have a story to tell, but I have read all yours. Thank you. IP: Logged
Carleen Member Posts: 246 Registered: May 2004	posted 05 August 2004 08:34 PM quote: Originally posted by MisplacedinAlex: Also you know what really sticks in my mind about that depressing time, I kept resenting like he__ that when children are involved the man during these separations or what have you, always doesn't get the added responsibility of trying not to look miserable in front of the kids, trying to remain normal...he can go & come as he pleases whereever he was and you who are supposed to start over or be storng have so much more to cope with. You can't really go out constantly and try to be social, happy go lucky, enjoy new things with the kids to take care of. (unless u can afford the $10 hr sitters, or have allot of good support sitters.) It just isn't fair. Not that I wanted to all of that time, it would of helped to have had the option. Yep. I've always said it should be a crime that men can just screw us over & always manage to come out on top. I've seen it happen time & time again. [This message has been edited by Carleen (edited 05 August 2004).] IP: Logged
Carleen Member Posts: 246 Registered: May 2004	posted 05 August 2004 08:38 PM quote: Originally posted by Shareen: Lol, I am sure we can organise something.... middle ground you think? How about EMA? England is roughly halfway between the States and Egypt, and for sure, Ayisha and myself wouldnt have far to travel! And who knows where we might find a flight to! Oh cool! I've seen really good fares to London! IP: Logged
Karah_Mia Member Posts: 354 Registered: Jun 2004	posted 05 August 2004 09:31 PM quote: Originally posted by Carleen: Oh cool! I've seen really good fares to London! I am in!!!! (if I may) IP: Logged
Karah_Mia Member Posts: 354 Registered: Jun 2004	posted 05 August 2004 09:56 PM [QUOTE]Originally posted by Carleen: [B] Yep. I've always said it should be a crime that men can just screw us over & always manage to come out on top. I've seen it happen time & time again. Carleen, I am seriously working on turning the tables soon! IP: Logged
Carleen Member Posts: 246 Registered: May 2004	posted 05 August 2004 10:24 PM quote: Originally posted by Karah_Mia: I am in!!!! (if I may) You certainly may! We could get one of those cheap double-occupancy packages. Watch out London! IP: Logged
Carleen Member Posts: 246 Registered: May 2004	posted 05 August 2004 10:27 PM quote: Originally posted by Karah_Mia: Carleen, I am seriously working on turning the tables soon! You're such a woman of mystery! I need details!! IP: Logged
Karah_Mia Member Posts: 354 Registered: Jun 2004	posted 06 August 2004 08:32 AM quote: Originally posted by Carleen: You're such a woman of mystery! I need details!! If I post any details here, my mystery flair will be gone. I may also get accidentally assassinated. However, when we do bump into each other I promise to get you into the loop. [This message has been edited by Karah_Mia (edited 06 August 2004).] IP: Logged
ANUBIS2 Junior Member Posts: 8 Registered: May 2004	posted 10 August 2004 10:25 AM Hi Luxorlover, Would you mind giving me your personal email address as I'd appreciate your opinion on some issues. Many thanx! quote: Originally posted by Luxorlover: I would like to ask the help of anybody that has been badly hurt in some way or other. How did you get over it? What did you do to lift your spirits and your self-esteem back up? This is not a "knock Egyptians" line, it is a help others line. I started a similar line a while back but, as usual, it went off in another less positive direction and I ended up with a verbal lashing. So, I'm trying again. Many people on this Forum have had experiences that have had a massive effect on their life and shaken their confidence in one way or another. People's coping mechanisms are different. I am very interested in what your personal coping mechansim was. Whether the offence was from an unfaithful or violent husband, a father, a lover, a gigolo or space invaders - how did you get over the hurt and start again? Have you actually managed to start again or is the pain still too great to be put aside? What did you do to make the pain bearable? Is it possible to change the habits of a lifetime and make yourself the Victor rather than the Victim? [This message has been edited by Luxorlover (edited 25 July 2004).] IP: Logged
Luxorlover Member Posts: 944 Registered: Jun 2004	posted 10 August 2004 12:09 PM Sorry I have been away for while. I am now back in Luxor and sweltering in the heat. My telephone was cut off while I was away so I am now reduced to using the clapped out keyboard of the local Internet Cafe. With luck I shall be back on line tomorrow - but this is Egypt so there is no telling when they might reconnect it. They say tomorrow, but I learned a long time ago that 'tomorrow' means another life. You can get me on Lizasutton@hotmail.com I have missed you all but am extremely glad that I missed the punch-up. PS: I have lodgers in my flat - mice. I have seen one and it is far too small to be a rat - please please please don't let it be a baby rat. I'm terrified of them. IP: Logged
Ayisha Member Posts: 112 Registered: Jul 2004	posted 10 August 2004 02:52 PM quote: Originally posted by Luxorlover: PS: I have lodgers in my flat - mice. I have seen one and it is far too small to be a rat - please please please don't let it be a baby rat. I'm terrified of them. just so happens i have 3 very cute ginger kittens free to good home and their mum has been teaching them to kill frogs and birds, im sure they would love to help you out coz im fed up of finding dead things here ------------------ I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it IP: Logged
Penny Member Posts: 407 Registered: Mar 2003	posted 10 August 2004 03:24 PM Dear LL Welcome back to your home..hope you sort out the phone and mouse ( fingers crossed ! ) situation soon. Yes you were away from here at the best possible time...it all went rather crazy to say the least. All the best Penny IP: Logged

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