posted 24 November 2004 03:45 AM            

Man: Hey there, haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, and that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Say, haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the head Nurse at the VD clinic.

Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: You know, you're dead right...I want you to go away!

Wife: Darling, do you think I'll lose my looks as I get older
You: With luck, yes

Work Colleague: Do you find me entertaining?
You: I reckon you are too dim to entertain a thought

Old Wife: Shall I put the TV on? Old Man: Well it would certainly improve the view in here...

You know, I've been asked to get married over a hundreds times.
Yeah, but your parents don't count...

How many people work in your office?
About half of them

Brother: I love biscuits
You: That's cuz your crackers

You: I reckon you'd make a great exchange student.
Friend: Wow, you really think so?
You: Yes, we might be able to exchange you for someone nice.

Come backs

Hey, I may be fat, but you'll always be ugly, and I can diet.

Man: So, how do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too, if you sit down.

Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: NO
Man: Sorry, I think you misheard me...I said, You Look fat in those pants.

Little Sister: Your Ugly.
You: And your quite good looking...for a Gorilla, that is...

Do you notice how I've kept my youthful complexion?
Yeah, so I see...all spotty

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You are going to yours, and I'm going to mine.

Man: So, what's your sign?
Woman: No Entry

Man: I know how to please a Woman.
Woman: Well, please leave me alone.

Friend: I've just come back from the Beauticians
You: Pity it was closed...

Man: Please whisper those 3 little words that would make my day!
Woman: Go to hell

Friend: I've changed my mind...
You: Excellent, so does the new one work better?

Boss: Employees like that don't grow on trees you know...
You: How true Sir, they normally swing underneath them...

Brother: Why do you smell funny?
You: It's called Soap - don't think you've ever smelt it before...

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a Female Impersonator.

posted 24 November 2004 04:40 AM            

A little kid asks his Dad, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
"No idea," replied the Father, "I'm still paying for it..."

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married - now he is going through Hell!!!

I've got a good friend who married a Doctor.
One day he told her: "You need to do something to spice up our love-making".
Soon thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D.
"Why?" asked her husband. "You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making;
I just wanted to get a Second Opinion", she replied...

Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen.

One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -
Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

Marriage - an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

posted 24 November 2004 04:56 AM            

Women are Like...

...the stock market
They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.

...computers
They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.

...Saran Wrap
Useful but clingy.

...horses
Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after.

...parking meters
If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences.

...fax machines
Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance paperweights.

...political campaign contributors
If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them.

...refrigerators
They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one.

...blue jeans
They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.

...country western songs
They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot.

posted 24 November 2004 06:09 AM            

Men are Like...

...placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

...mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

...bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

...government bonds
they take so long to mature.

...copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

...lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

...bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

...high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

...curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

...mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

...handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.