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Respected scholars! Does Islam allow wife beating? Some husbands are violent and they say that the Quran allows them to beat their wives. Is there any logical explanation given regarding men being allowed to beat their wives, as stated in Surat An-Nisaa, verse 34?
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Dear questioner, we would like to thank you for the great confidence you placed in us, and we implore Allah Almighty to help us serve His cause and render our work for His Sake.
The verse you mentioned has been greatly misconceived by many people who focus merely on its surface meaning, taking it to allow wife beating. When the setting is not taken into account, it isolates the words in a way that distorts or falsifies the original meaning. Before dealing with the issue of wife-battering in the perspective of Islam, we should keep in mind that the original Arabic wording of the Holy Quran is the only authentic source of meaning. If one relies on the translation alone, one is likely to misunderstand it.
Commenting on this issue, Dr. Muzammil H. Siddiqi, former President of the Islamic Society of North America, states:
"According to Quran the relationship between the husband and wife should be based on mutual love and kindness. Allah says: "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (Quran: Ar-Rum 21)
The Holy Quran urges husbands to treat their wives with kindness. (In the event of a family dispute, Quran exhorts the husband to treat his wife kindly and not to overlook her positive aspects). Allah Almighty says: “Live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.” (Quran: An-Nisaa 19)
It is important that a wife recognizes the authority of her husband in the house. He is the head of the household, and she is supposed to listen to him. But the husband should also use his authority with respect and kindness towards his wife. If there arises any disagreement or dispute among them, then it should be resolved in a peaceful manner. Spouses should seek the counsel of their elders and other respectable family members and friends to batch up the rift and solve the differences.
However, in some cases a husband may use some light disciplinary action in order to correct the moral infraction of his wife, but this is only applicable in extreme cases and it should be resorted to if one is sure it would improve the situation. However, if there is a fear that it might worsen the relationship or may wreak havoc on him or the family, then he should avoid it completely.
Quran is very clear on this issue. Almighty Allah says: "Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore, the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in the husband's absence what Allah would have them to guard. As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance); for Allah is most High and Great (above you all). If you fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family and the other from hers. If they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation; for Allah has full knowledge and is acquainted with all things." (Quran: An-Nisaa 34-35)
It is important to read the section fully. One should not take part of the verse and use it to justify one's own misconduct. This verse neither permits violence nor condones it. It guides us to ways to handle delicate family situation with care and wisdom. The word "beating" is used in the verse, but it does not mean "physical abuse". The Prophet (p.b.u.h.) explained it "dharban ghayra mubarrih" which means "a light tap that leaves no mark". He further said that face must be avoided. Some other scholars are of the view that it is no more than a light touch by siwak, or toothbrush.
Generally, the Prophet (p.b.u.h.) used to discourage his followers from taking even this measure. He never hit any female, and he used to say that the best of men are those who do not hit their wives. In one Hadith he expressed his extreme repulsion from this behavior and said, "How does anyone of you beat his wife as he beats the stallion camel and then embrace (sleep with) her?” (Al-Bukhari, English Translation, vol. 8, Hadith 68, pp. 42-43)
It is also important to note that even this "light strike" mentioned in the verse is not to be used to correct some minor problem, but it is permissible to resort to only in a situation of some serious moral misconduct when admonishing the wife fails, and avoiding from sleeping with her would not help. If this disciplinary action can correct a situation and save the marriage, then one should use it."
Dr. Jamal Badawi, professor at Saint Mary's University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, and a cross-appointed faculty member in the Departments of Religious Studies and Management, adds:
"If the problem relates to the wife's behavior, the husband may exhort her and appeal for reason. In most cases, this measure is likely to be sufficient. In cases where the problem persists, the husband may express his displeasure in another peaceful manner, by sleeping in a separate bed from hers. There are cases, however, in which a wife persists in bad habits and showing contempt of her husband and disregard for her marital obligations. Instead of divorce, the husband may resort to another measure that may save the marriage, at least in some cases. Such a measure is more accurately described as a gentle tap on the body, but never on the face, making it more of a symbolic measure than a punitive one.
Even here, that maximum measure is limited by the following:
a. It must be seen as a rare exception to the repeated exhortation of mutual respect, kindness and good treatment. Based on Quran and Hadith, this measure may be used in the cases of lewdness on the part of the wife or extreme refraction and rejection of the husband's reasonable requests on a consistent basis (nushuz). Even then, other measures, such as exhortation, should be tried first.
b. As defined by Hadith, it is not permissible to strike anyone's face, cause any bodily harm or even be harsh. What the Hadith qualifies as "dharban ghayra mubarrih", or light striking, was interpreted by early jurists as a (symbolic) use of siwak! They further qualified permissible "striking" as that which leaves no mark on the body.
c. The permissibility of such symbolic expression of the seriousness of continued refraction does not imply its desirability. In several Hadiths, the Prophet (p.b.u.h.) discouraged this measure. Here are some of his sayings in this regard:
"Do not beat the female servants of Allah";
"Some (women) visited my family complaining about their husbands (beating them). These (husbands) are not the best of you."
In another Hadith the Prophet (p.b.u.h.) is reported to have said: “How does anyone of you beat his wife as he beats the stallion camel and then he may embrace (sleep with) her?”
d. True following of the Sunnah is to follow the example of the Prophet (p.b.u.h.) who never resorted to that measure, regardless of the circumstances.
e. Islamic teachings are universal in nature. They respond to the needs and circumstances of diverse times, cultures and circumstances. Some measures may work in some cases and cultures or with certain persons but may not be effective in others. By definition, a "permissible" act is neither required, encouraged or forbidden. In fact it may be to spell out the extent of permissibility, such as in the issue at hand, rather than leaving it unrestricted or unqualified, or ignoring it all together. In the absence of strict qualifiers, persons may interpret the matter in their own way, which can lead to excesses and real abuse.
f. Any excess, cruelty, family violence, or abuse committed by any "Muslim" can never be traced, honestly, to any revelatory text (Quran or Hadith). Such excesses and violations are to be blamed on the person (s) himself, as it shows that they are paying lip service to Islamic teachings and injunctions and failing to follow the true Sunnah of the Prophet (p.b.u.h.)."
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No matter how badly your child is behaving, hitting shouldn't be an option. This just increases the negative attention that your child receives and reinforces that it is all right to get out of control and be aggressive. It is probably better to try and reward and praise good behavior to reinforce it, rather then having to change bad behaviors. Children misbehave for many reasons, and it is important to try and find the reason. Some strategies that can work to improve your child's behavior include allowing your child to see the natural consequences of his actions (if he throws and breaks a toy, then he can't play with it), logical consequences (if he doesn't put his toys away, then you will put them away and he can't play with them all day), withholding privileges and time out. Reward or token systems can also be effective in changing bad behaviors.
quote:Originally posted by Tigerlily: You don't hit the person you love.
you love your children and you sometimes hit them.
Both is wrong. If you hit woman and children you drive them away from you - and not closer.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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I never ever spanked mine unless that is just what took. My first one needed his spanking often, just so we could live with him. LOL I think it was like a security thing with him. He always pushed it until he got the spanking. He was the perfect child afterwards.
My middle one didn't get one until he was like 6. He didn't need one. Other things worked.
My little girl well....poor think was 9. Her first spanking broke her heart. But to this day, she will tell you she needed it. Still does at times.
There is a lot of responsibility that goes with spanking a child too.
Make the punishment fit the crime so to speak.
Never spank when angry.
Never just hit them.
My kids know without a doubt that what they got were spankings. Well deserved ones. After they get over the initial boo hooing of it, they admit it was necessary.
I have found that generally the people that are against spanking at all, have the worst mannered kids. Not all but most.
Sorry but I thoroughly believe in the good old fashioned spanking, if necessary.
But then again......spanking is not hitting. There is a difference. Beating is never appropriate.
Posts: 2133 | From: Redneckland | Registered: Oct 2006
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Spanking should hurt the parents more than the kids.
My dad always cried after he spanked me and only spanked me twice.
Mom spanked me alot, but then again she was drunk alot.
I don't support spanking, to me it appears as if the parent can't use logic and verbal communication to find a solution.
Posts: 3168 | From: If you don't like it, don't look or read it! | Registered: Oct 2006
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most people were not smacking for punishment, but more because they were just angry.
Americans rarely admit to smacking their kids. but southerners appear to have less of a problem with it.
Education levels are linked to whether parents spank or not.
Posts: 3168 | From: If you don't like it, don't look or read it! | Registered: Oct 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Shebah: I never smacked my kids.
But I will say again. Not everyone should be spanked. Not everyone should spank.
Shebah I don't see the difference between spanking and smacking, both are hitting.
Possibly you feel differently, but this is my opinion and its the general opinion of people who live in my region.
Posts: 3168 | From: If you don't like it, don't look or read it! | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
I understand what you're saying. Some people don't see it. But there is a huge difference. One that I make sure my kids know. There is abuse, then a well controlled spanking.
There is a definate difference in smacking and spanking. Just like there is a definate difference is guidance and force.
Spanking if done correctly is not abuse.
When they were little and tried to mess with electric plugs. I would tell them and tell them. no no no. move them etc. But sometimes they just wouldn't quit. That is when I thought it necessary to swat there little hand and say no no no, that bites. What do you know.....it worked. I'd rather do that than let them get electricuted.
Smacking: just swatting or hitting a kid. Sometimes whether they needed it or not. Responsibility....sometimes....sometimes not.
Spanking: Goes with a talk. They have to understand. They have to know that you don't want to. But just that you feel as a parent it is necessary. Takes responsibility. Every parent has their way. But a responsible one makes sure that the spanking has not gone without understanding, and that it is not done in a well....bad way.
We always worked things out if there was another way. But sometimes there just isn't. Sometimes for certain kids too. Certain things just always got a spanking and they knew it. Like if they intentionally hurt someone. I don't mean kid squable stuff, but hurting. Running off in a store. Running off in a parking lot. Things like that. Serious things. Some things I just could not take a chance with. They knew the dangers. I talk everything out with my kids. But they got that spanking to back it up too. They know/knew that I love them enough to spank them.
They have to know you're not doing in it in anger. I never do. I refuse. If I'm angry....that's their cue. Go to room. Go to grandma's but give mom a break. Not because I terrify them, but because I taught them that. I refuse to deal with my kids when I'm angry. Unless there is no alternative of course.
My oldest is....... He's the kind of kind that really has a hard time without hard sound limits. I don't know why. Sometimes I think he needs a spanking for security. Immediately after he's an angel. He always knew what would get him a spanking. He pushed it until he got it. I trieeeeeeeed not too. Those were hard years.
For instance. Every time we would get into the car for a trip. He would be the brattiest kid. LOL Finally I'd tell hubby. Just spank him and get it over with so we can have a decent trip. Sure enough, as soon as we did......perfect angel. *confused*
But you know my other two didn't require one until they were older. Still have had very few. But there are those times when they have gotten them. Still do at times. When they just wont get out of their selfish, pissy, smart alec little moods. Or do something dumb and dangerous. Sometimes it's takes that swat on the rump to straighten them out. But I don't just walk over and swat them either. There is a whole way of doing it. Talk, questions, understanding, spanking.
Always, I mean Always..........afterwards they come up to me and say, I'm sorry mom. I know I deserved it. They try to console me. LOL Cuz I hate doing it. But, they know sometimes it's just plain necessary.
Spare the rod, spoil the child. There's something to it.
quote: Possibly you feel differently, but this is my opinion and its the general opinion of people who live in my region.
Not trying to pick things out here. But how could you possibly know that?
I respect your opinion. Just as I respect others. But sometimes you can't say what's right until you've been put in that position.
Childrearing is so not black and white. They grey areas are just too big to generalize.
I think this is one of those areas where just as many who agree also disagree. Also every parent, child, home, situation is different. What works for some might not work for others.
But that being said, I feel there is a huge responsibility on the parent when they choose to spank. One that I don't take lightly. I totally feel that some parents should never be allowed to spank. Because they are not responsible.
If ever there has been a controversial verse in the Holy Qur'an, it certainly is verse 4:34. Used by opponents of Islam to label this religion woman-unfriendly (to put it mildly), Muslims themselves are struggling with interpreting it. For yes, let us agree about this: there is no such thing as “the” one and only correct interpretation of the Word of Allah – only Allah knows what He meant. We can only try to understand. And in this particular case, an alternative for the troublesome interpretations of this verse may bring us a bit closer to that objective.
Let us have a look at a (partial) translation of this verse:
"Men are the {qawwam} of women, because Allah has given the one more than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are {qanitat}, and guard in the husband's absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear {nushooz}, admonish them first, then refuse to share their beds, and finally {adriboo} them; but when they {ataa:} to you, then seek not against them means of annoyance: For Allah is Most High, great above you all."
Disobedient women?
The key word to answer this question is {qanitat}, which is a feminine plural of {qanit}, based on the root {q-n-t}. This word appears on many other occasions in the NobleA Qur'an, where it is used exclusively in the sense of 'submissive, obedient to Allah'. Verse 4:34 contains no reason at all to depart from this meaning and to change it into 'obedience to a husband'. This verse is about pious women who, just like pious men, are obedient to Allah. And a wife (husband) who is obedient to God, must live up to her (his) marital duties.
Superior husband and inferior wife?
Throughout the Noble Qur'an, Allah emphasizes that men and women are equal for Him – Allah will judge them in exactly the same way. So it would be strange indeed if a verse would contradict this equality. But is that really the case here? The Arabic word used is {qawwam}, an intensive form of {qaim}, meaning: 'to take care of, to stand up for, to look after'. Therefore, does this verse say that men are superior to women? Not at all. It says: men must look after women. In Islam, men are obliged to financially provide for their wife and children. They have to pay for their housing, clothing, food, medicines, etc. That is what {qawwamoona} means: men must take care of women.
Misbehavior?
Is this verse about what a man should do when his wife 'misbehaves'? The exact word used here, {nushooz}, means 'discord, hostility, dissonance'. In this context it could be interpreted as 'marital problems' .
Beating his wife?
The verse instructs a husband whose wife causes problems in their marriage to first talk to her about it, then leave the marital bed, then {adriboo} his wife, and all of this in view of pursuing a reconciliation as is evident from the subsequent verse 4:35.
ADRIBOO
The Arabic word used here, {adriboo}, from the root {d-r-b}, has several dozens of meanings, such as: 'to beat', but also: 'to forsake, to avoid, to separate, to leave, to part'.
How do we know which interpretation to choose? One way to find out is to relate this verse to other verses in the Glorious Qur'an and to check if the meanings make sense. In this case, let us look at verse 24:2, which describes what should be done in case of adultery:
"The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication, - flog each of them with a hundred stripes..." (Noble Qur'an 24:2)
This verse establishes the principle that for men and women, equal actions lead to equal punishment. When for adultery men and women must receive equal punishment, surely there is no reason why they should be treated differently for any lesser marital problem.
Now let us take a look at the consequences of interpreting {adriboo} one way or another.
Suppose {adriboo} means: 'to beat'.
In this case, verse 4:34 says that when a wife causes a problem in the marriage, her husband should first talk to her about it, then leave their bed, then beat her and all of this in view of increasing his chances of a reconciliation. On the emotional level, this certainly does not sound like a very promising course of action. So let us check this meaning against the bigger framework and in particular against the principle of 'equal behaviour leads to equal punishment'. This would imply that when a husband causes a problem in the marriage, his wife can beat him. At which he could invoke verse 4:34 to beat her again, so that the result would be a perpetual physical fight between spouses! Surely, this makes no sense at all. And indeed, it is not what Allah prescribes for the situation where a husband causes a rift, as will be explained in a moment.
Suppose {adriboo} means: 'to forsake, to avoid', possibly, as Mohammed Abdul Malek 5 suggests: 'to separate, to part'.
Now what do we get? Verse 4:34 now says that when a wife causes a problem in the marriage, her husband should first talk to her about it, then leave their bed (forsaking his sexual satisfaction), then avoid her even more (not talking to her anymore, leaving the room when she enters it, and possibly even leaving the house for a while), in order to prevent things from getting worse, and on the contrary to let things cool down and create enough space in view of increasing chances of a reconciliation.
This sounds like a very logical chain of events.
Also, application of the general rule of verse 24:2 ('equal actions, equal punishment') now means that when a husband causes a marital problem, his wife should forsake a few of her rights, avoid her husband in increasing ways, and try to work towards a reconciliation. And yes, that is precisely what verse 4:128 says:
"If a wife fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves" (Glorious Qur'an 4:128)
Understanding {adriboo} as 'to forsake, to (gradually) avoid (more and more), possibly eventually leave altogether', clearly makes sense when relating several verses to one another.
And there is more. Beating a wife, would contradict hadiths of the Noble Prophet who repeatedly said: “do not beat believing women!”. It would also contradict the Noble Prophet's instructions about anger – which he explained to originate from Satan and which he described as "a living coal on one's heart". One should not act upon ones anger, lest one would do things one would regret later. When you are angry when you are standing, sit down, the Prophet (pbuh) said. And when you are still angry when you are sitting, then lie down. Interpreting this verse as allowing a husband to beat his wife, surely contradicts these rulings on anger.
Furthermore, Allah says in the Noble Qur'an that one must meet bad behaviour with something that is better, not with something that is worse, in order to turn a hostile situation into a friendly one:
"Nor can goodness and Evil be equal. Repel (Evil) with what is better: Then will he between whom and thee was hatred become as it were thy friend and intimate!" (Noble Qur'an 41:13)
Therefore the word {adriboo} cannot really have meant “to beat”, can it?. It must mean something that is better than causing problems, and avoiding the problem certainly is exactly that.
Based on the evidence presented here, it would seem that interpreting {adriboo} as 'to beat', causes several internal conflicts with the meaning of other Qur'anic verses and hadiths, while interpreting it as 'gradually forsaking, more and more and possibly leaving altogether', is a much more logical interpretation that is entirely consistent with the interpretation of other rules in the Glorious Qur'an and the Sunnah of the Noble Prophet Muhammad.
What makes much more sense, is that this verse does not allow a 'superior' husband to 'beat' his 'inferior, disobedient' wife. On the contrary, this verse appears to tell us that a husband must look after his wife (an equal partner who, like he, is obedient to God), and that when his wife is causing problems in their marriage, he should first talk to her about it, if that doesn't help, he should begin avoiding her by leaving the marital bed. If that still doesn't resolve the situation, he should forsake her presence even more, avoid conversations, leave a room when she enters it, avoid her company altogether, and possibly leave the house for a while, so that no problems are added to the conflict, and so that things can cool down a bit to maximize chances for a later reconciliation.
Return to obedience?
When the problem is solved, when the wife is committed to the marriage again, then the husband is advised not to keep using the incident against her and to consider the incident closed.
The exact Arabic wording is: "when then they (fem.pl.) {aTa:} (with) you (masc.pl.), then seek not against them (fem.pl) means of annoyance". The verb {aTa:} (alif taa alif ayn) has several meanings, such as: 'obey', but also: 'comply, comply with, accommodate, give in to', or in French 'filer doux'. Consequently, the verse can be understood to mean: "when then they are committed to the marriage again", or: "when then they give in to/comply with the efforts of the husband to save the marriage", or "when they no longer cause marriage problems", ...
Linguistically there is no compelling necessity to translate {aTa:} as "obedient to the husband". Other interpretations are possible and indeed preferable. Earlier in the verse, there was no reason at all to translate {qanitat} as women who are "obedient to their husband" so that here there isn't any reason to imply that this verse is about a temporary disobedience and a subsequent return to obedience to their husbands. It is not a matter of obedience to him, it is a matter of {nushooz} (marriage problems). And the Noble Qur'an advises that when one of the partners causes a marriage problem, the other should gradually avoid the person who causes the problem, in order to save the marriage - irrespective of who started the strife (4:34, 4:128)
Yet of course, this is only an interpretation. Allah knows best.
“Men shall take full care of women with the bounties Allah has bestowed on them, and what they may spend out of their possession; as Allah has eschewed each with certain qualities in relation to the other. And the righteous women are the truly devout ones, who guard the intimacy which Allah has ordained to be guarded. As for those women whose ill-will you have reason to fear, admonish them [first]; then distance yourself in bed, and the tap them; but if they pay you heed, do not seek to harm them. Surely, Allah is indeed the Most High, the Greatest.”
Role of family
The role of family in the overall social structure of Islam is great and if we fail to grasp its importance, the whole edifice will collapse. In Islam there is no family without union or marriage and there is no marriage without rules and discipline. The family in Islam is a unit in which two independent persons unite and share life together. The husband’s dignity is an integral part of his wife’s dignity. Accordingly, neither of them is better than the other. To unite and share, there must be mutual love and compassion – a genuine feeling which; unless translated into action and behavior, would be mere illusion.
Women’s rights in the family
From the very outset, Islam has been a liberating religion that uplifted the status of women and gave them rights that were considered revolutionary 1400 years ago. In spite of this founding spirit, Muslim practices today often oppress women and deny them the equality and human dignity granted in the Qur’an. The family should be the first essential area in which women’s rights have to be secured. The question that arises is that if Islam liberated women centuries ago, then why is it that maltreatment of wives is not a rare occurrence among Muslim people? Most likely, I suspect, it comes from misinterpretations of a Qur’anic verse and of some ahadith.
The institution of marriage
When Allah mentions marriage or the relationship between husband and wife in the Qur’an, He describes it as one of love, mercy, and harmony between two human beings who have entered into a mutual contract. For example, “And among His wonders is that; He created fro you mates out of your own kind, so that you may incline toward them, and He engenders love and tenderness between you; in this, behold, there are messages indeed for people who think.” (Q 20:21) And, “It is He who has created you out of one entity, so that one might incline (with love) towards the other.” (Q 7:189)
Expression of love
According to the Qur’an, the relationship between husband and wife should be one of love, mercy and mutual understanding. Allah also commands men to treat their wives, “And consort with your wives in a goodly manner, for if you dislike something about them, it may be well that you dislike something which Allah might yet make a source of abundant good.” (Q 4:19)
The Qur’an speaks of the intimate and close relationship of the two spouses in these words: “They are like garments unto you as you are like garments unto them” (Q 2:187). This verse; by using the simile of garments, has explained two basic facts. First, dress is considered to be one of the most fundamental needs of human beings in all stages of life. Second, dress covers the nakedness of human beings and hides those parts which are to be kept hidden. Every person has his weakness and frailty and does not want them to be disclosed to others.
The two sexes working together, not only cover each other’s weakness and frailty, but also enhance each other’s capabilities and help each other make up their deficiencies. Men are told to be generous and liberal in their treatment of women under all circumstances, especially when the relations between the two are not very amicable. Surah al-Baqarah refers to this in these words: “And do not forget liberality between yourselves” (Q 2:237). Even in divorce, men are enjoined to be just and fair (Ma’ruf) to their wives. We read these words also in Surah al-Baqarah: “When you divorce women, and they fulfill the term of their waiting (“iddah), either take them back honorably on equitable terms or set them free with kindness and goodness.” (Q 2:229)
So, it is through the institution of marriage that true expression is given to what the Qur’an refers to as “love and mercy” (Q 30:21) between men and women; that men and women are like each other’s garments (Q 2:187), that “be you male or female, you are members of one another” (Q 3:195), and that “men and women are protectors, one of another.” (Q 9:71)
Clarifying the terms Darajah, Qawwamun, and Faddala
Darajah, (step, degree or level) is something that is earned; acquired with responsibility.
When a level is granted to male or female on the basis of their good deeds or piety, there is no discrimination. This is demonstrated by the following Qur’anic concepts: “Unto men a fortune from what they have earned and unto women a fortune from that which they have earned” (Q 4:32). “Whoever works righteously; man or woman, and has faith: verily to him/her will We give a new life, a life that is good and pure. And We will bestow on such their rewards, according to the best of their actions” (Q 4:124). So when it comes to who has greater advantage with Allah in terms of deeds, there is no level or degree given to the male or female over the other.
The darajah for men over women occurs in the Qur’anic verse thus, “…And (Walahunna) women shall have right similar to the rights against them according to what is equitable. But men have a degree (of advantage) over them. Allah is Exalted in Power, Wise.” (Q 2:228)
This verse occurs among a series of verses referring to the required period of separation before claiming a divorce. The degree of advantage refers to man’s being able to individually initiate divorce, whereas a woman can seek divorce only after intervention of an authority. So the advantage is limited to the circumstances of divorce only. Why this advantage? Most likely, because it is he who is duty-bound to support to the wife and unborn baby, and the previous verses are referring to the possibility that during separation the woman may be expecting, and if so, the man needs to give due consideration to taking her back because of his responsibility towards the unborn child. Hence, he has the responsibility/ decision about validating the divorce or taking his wife back. Yet, in Muslim cultures, an unrestricted value attaché to this concept of “advantage” and men generalize it to all aspects of life, claiming superiority over women.
This form of unrestricted value for all circumstances contradicts the equity established in the Qur’an, “that each ‘nafs’ (man or woman) is responsible for what it earns” (Q 4:32).
The Qu’ran has emphasized the female’s rights (Q 2:228) with the words “wa lahunna” in order to neutralize the possible impression that could be created by the previous sentence of enhancing the position of men over women. Truly, it is the wondrous and miraculous expression of the Qur’an that enables it to maintain the delicacy of the problem and at the same time solve the most complicated issues in a very noble and subtle way.
Thus, in a superb manner, the Qur’an has untied the knot of this problem by saying that while men have a degree of darajat (advantage) in holding the key to divorce; in the enjoyment of human rights, both men and women stand equal.
Qawwamun does not convey the sense of governorship or rule over women, but rather signifies men’s role as maintainers of women, because they support and meet their material needs from their wealth. The Shari’ah has entrusted the responsibility of women’s material needs to men, who are held liable for meeting all the economic needs of the family, while women are held responsible for looking after the children, their nourishment, education, training, etc. this division of the work of the household between husband and wife is based on their respective natural abilities. Fulfilling these responsibilities are the primary duties, though not exclusive, yet allowing free and full participation in all social, political and ethical activities with due propriety.
Now the concept of “Fadl”, the verse reads;
“Men shall take full care of women with the bounties Allah has bestowed on them, and what they may spend out of their possession; as Allah has eschewed each with certain qualities in relation to the other. And the righteous women are the truly devout ones, who guard the intimacy which Allah has ordained to be guarded. As for those women whole ill-will you have reason to fear, admonish them [first]; then distance yourself in bed, and then tap them; but if they pay you heed, do not seek to harm them. Surely, Allah is indeed the most High, the Greatest.” (Q 4:34)
This verse is often quoted for justifying the ruthless dominance of patriarchal males demanding obedience from their wives - to the point of disciplining them through physical punishment!
But let us analyze it with Qur’anic wisdom. Firstly, the “fadl” or preference is related to responsibility, so there is reciprocity between this privilege and responsibility. The fact is that it is through Allah’s benevolence that he gets this “fadl” should make a man God- conscious. So, if he is given this authority or preferential responsibility, it is accompanied by a heavy mandate and obligation. He cannot abuse the “fadl”. The purpose of this “fadl” could be attributed to the fact that a family functions harmoniously when there is leadership and authority in it, manifested through fulfilling duty and mutual co- operation.
It is wrong to conclude from this that as men (or women) have some “advantage” in one respect, they are therefore superior to the other. The right attitude should be for each sex to think that it is deficient in certain aspects, which can only be complimented by the collaboration and co-operation of the other as essential for its perfection and healthy growth. In other words, it should never fancy such ideas as its own excellence, but should consider itself dependent upon the other for its own perfection. The Qur’an has beautifully described this relationship of the two sexes in these words: “And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Surely in that are signs for those who reflect.” (Q 31:21)
The issue of NUSHUZ
Verse 4:34 has commonly been used to Justify Wife beating. How can this can be explained?
NUSHUZ could be defined as animosity, hostility, rebellion, ill- treatment, discord, violation of marital duties on the part of either husband or wife. In this context, a wife’s “ill-will” implies a deliberate, persistent breach of her marital obligations.
The verse of Surah Nisa’ has attracted great attention from both within the Beliving community and without: “As regards those women on whose part you fear defiance and ill- conduct, admonish them (first), (next) separate in bed, (and last) tap them (if they still persist in their defiance); but if they cooperate and pay you heed, do not look for excuses to harm them. Note well that there is Allah above you all.” (Q 4:34)
In the context of the above verse the most appropriate meaning for nushuz is marital discord (ill- will, animosity etc.) The process suggested is necessary, otherwise it is inviting the likelihood of divorce without any reconciliation procedure, and this will contravene the Qur’anic guidance. The separation could be temporary or permanent depending on the reconciliation procedure, and this fits in very well with the divorce procedure outlined in the Qur’an. Therefore the more accurate understanding of the above verse would be: (4:34) “…As for those women whose animosity or ill- will you have reason to fear, discuss the mater with them, then separate in bed, then tap; and if they pay you heed, do not seek a way against them.”
The verse following the above verse gives further weight to the above translation. (4:35) “And if you fear a breach between them (the man and the wife), appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they desire amendment, Allah will make them one of mind. Lo! Allah is Ever Knower, Aware.”
An added weight to the meaning outlined above is given by verse (4: 128), where in the case of man the same word, nushuz, is also used. Note too that as ill- treatment emanating here is from the husband, a process of reconciliation is encouraged!
“If a wife fears ill- treatment (nushuz) or desertion (i’raad) on her husband’s part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves; and such settlement is best …” (Q 4:128)
In the same surah, we read, “Whoever among you; men or women, are guilty of this crime (impropriety/ obscenity), punish them both; then if they both repent and reform themselves, leave them alone, for Allah is Most Generous in accepting repentance, and Merciful in forgiving sins.” (4:16)
As previously mentioned, women could only be taken to task when they were guilty of open obscenity. The verse (Q 4:16) clearly states that whoever commits open licentiousness, man or woman, must be punished. It may here be mentioned that this open obscenity or licentiousness (nushuz) means obscenity short of adultery and fornication.
If a wife fears that her husband is going to be excessive, there is the same process for the wife too. She can advise him first. Psychological pressure of withdrawing closeness and intimacy? But why is there no reference to physical pressure, like a symbolic slap or the like? The wife is not required to slap her husband, guarding against the possibility of physical retaliation and its dire consequences. But she has use of an injunction, which is better than that; to sit down with respected members of the community, (if need be with a judge), and draw up a contract with the man, which says: You have done this or that- if you do it again, these will be the consequences. In other words, she is getting the community behind her.
Three steps for regaining marital harmony or an amicable settlement
We note that in the event that there is disruption of marital harmony, the Qur’an suggests three steps for regaining harmony. In order of preference, they are:
(Step 1) Wa’z (admonition, consultation and discussion). This is the preferred method suggested for regaining marital harmony and is the same mechanism discussed in the Qur’an for the coordination of affairs between all groups of people.
Consultation can be between the parties (as in 4:34) or between the two parties with the help of arbiters or hakim (4:35, 4:128). Wa’z or admonition implies advising and reminding one of the consequence of one’s actions; this in a way that softens the heart of the listener (16:125) and making him/ her incline favorably to your words.
(Step 2) Wahjur (to separate in bed; time and space boycott, at least one night). If consultation does not lead to marital harmony, the second suggestion is of time-out, a phrase to denote a separation in time and/ or space between two people. This is a form of psychological pressure. Note that it is avoidance in the house or in front of the family, children and so forth.
The purpose of that act is to solve the problem well- known not to belittle the woman or uncover the secrets that are going on. However, it is a reaction to her act of nushuz and recalcitrance by avoiding her and turning away from her in hope that this will lead to reciprocity and togetherness. It can be for an intermediate cooling off period only, or could presumably continue indefinitely, which in the context of marriage could only mean divorce.
(Step 3) Daraba (a gentle strike or tap: an expression of physical pressure) If the first two methods are used in their preferred order to the fullest extent, the need for the third method of a strike would not be reached.
A famous Multi- meaning word “Daraba”
The problem of abuse comes from the word “Idribuhunne” which is usually translated as “beat them”. The root of this word is “Daraba”. If one consults an Arabic dictionary you would find a long list of meanings ascribed to this word!
The list is one of the longest lists in the whole Arabic dictionaries and has so many different meanings. In the Qur’an, depending on the context, one can ascribe different meanings to it, i.e:
To travel to get out: 3:156; 4:101; 38:44; 73:20; 1:273 To strike: 2:60; 7:160; 8:12; 20:77; 24:31; 26:63; 37:93; 47:04 To beat: 8:50; 47:27 To set up: 43:58; 57:13 To give (examples): 14:24-45; 16:75,76,112; 18:32,45; 24:35; 30:2858; 36:78; 39:27,29; 43:17; 59:21; 66:10-11 To take away, to ignore: 43:5 To condemn: 2:61 To seal, to draw over: 18:11 To cover: 24:31 To explain: 13:17
Thus, in the Qu’ran alone wa witness the verb “Daraba” having at least ten different meanings. “Daraba” has also other meaning which are not mentioned in the Qur’an. For example in the Arabic language, you do not print money -- you “Daraba” money, you do not multiply numbers -- you “Daraba” numbers, you do not cease the work -- you “Daraba” the work.
Webster’s Dictionary gives fourteen meanings to the verb “strike”: hit (against); ignite; (of snake)bite; (of plants) (cause to) take root; attack; hook (fish); sound (time) as bell in clock; affect; arrive at, come upon; enter mind of; discover (gold, oil etc.); dismantle; remove; make (coin); cease work as protest or to make demands. The same dictionary gives eight meanings to the verb “beat”: strike repeatedly; overcome; surpass; stir vigorously with striking action; flag (wings); make, wear (path); throb; sail against wind.
When we encounter a multi-meaning word, we select the proper meaning according to the context, form and common sense.
Why the “Daraba”?
Why has the Qur’an included the method of a “strike”? The Qu’ran always emphasizes doing good and abstaining from evil. If the Qur’an is looked at as an integrated and cohesive text, situations can be identified where the Qur’an calls for the prohibition of certain things in stages. For example, whereas early revelations discourage the use of intoxicants (2:219, 4:43), the final revelation on this matter clearly condemns and prohibits them (5:93-94).
This is where there is a need to understand the historical context in which the Qur’an was revealed. It is known that in the pre-Islamic period known as the Age of Ignorance (Jahiliyyah), there were gross practices of physical and emotional abuse of females such as female infanticide (killing of babies) and the custom of inheriting the wives of deceased relatives against the will of the women. Verse 4:34, which refers to a strike/ tap, was revealed early in the Medinan period at a time when cruelty and violence against women were still rampant. Seen within this context the strike is a restriction on existing practice, and not a recommendation. As Muslim society in Madinah developed towards an ideal state, the final verse in the Qur’an on male – female relationship (9:71) regards women and men as being each other’s protecting friends and guardians (‘awliyya) which emphasizes their cooperation in living together as partners.
In addition, this spirit can be used in viewing the Hadith and classical commentaries by Muslim jurists on the strike or daraba. Ahadith on striking in such a way as not to cause pain (ghayr mubarrih) are reported by Muslim, Tirmidhi, Abu Daud, Nasa’ie and Ibn Majah. The authorities stress that if a strike is resorted to, it should be merely symbolic such as a strike with a toothbrush or folded handkerchief (Tabari and Razi). Imam Shaf’ie is of the opinion that striking should preferably be avoided completely.
It can thus be concluded that the call for the (single) strike is a restriction and not a recommendation; as when the first two steps are practiced effectively, there is no need for a third step.
Obedience misconstrued
The Qur’an does not order women to slavishly obey their husbands. It says good women are qanitat (have qunut). Qunut is used for both women and men (3:17, 33:35) and non- humans (39:9, 2:117). Qunut does not refer to the obedience of a wife to a husband or of any human to another. It refers to the spirit of humility before Allah. When the verse goes on to say “if they obey you,” the Qur’an uses the term ta’a, which means for one human to follow the orders of another, referring not just to women obeying men, but men following orders as well (4:59). Ta’a is not used here in the command form for women, rather the Qur’an places a firm admonishment on the men: “If they (female) pay you heed (male)” the males commanded “not to seek a way against (the women)”. “If they obey you” does not mean that women have an obligation to slavishly obey men. Nor does it mean that if a woman disobeys, a husband can beat her. The focus is on the responsibility of men to treat women fairly, especially when women follow their suggestions.
Most of the women beaten nowadays are not beaten because the first two conditions have been met with, but are in fact beaten because of the husband’s anger over some petty issue. Such behavior is not that of a sincere Muslim and obviously has no sanction in the Qur’an whatsoever.
It is evident from many authentic traditions that the Prophet himself intensely detested the idea of beating one’s wife, and said on more than one occasion, “Could anyone of you beat his wife as if she is a slave, and then lie with her in the evening?” (Bukhari and Muslim). According to another tradition, he forbade the beating of any woman with the words, “Never beat God’s handmaidens” (Abu Daud, Ibn Majah, Ahmad Ibn Hanbal, Ibn Hibban, on the authority of ‘Abd Allah Ibn Abbas; and Bayhaqi on the authority of Umm Kulthum).
Next to piety, the believer finds nothing better for him than a virtuous wife. If he bids her good, she obeys. If he looks at her she gives him pleasure. If she gives him a promise, she fulfills it. If he is absent from her, she guards herself and his property (Ibn Majah).
This hadith states that the wife should obey her husband, but to what extent? Obviously, she cannot disobey her husband in anything that is haram. Not only that, but the obedience of the wife is in those duties listed above, viz. …with regard to cohabitation, domestic matters, guarding his property, and not allowing others to violate her/his dignity or their belongings.
In summary, there is the following hadith from the Prophet on the rights of a wife. A person asked the Messenger of Allah, “What right does the wife of one among us have over him?” His answer was, “It is that you shall give her food, you shall not slap her on the face, nor revile her, nor leave her alone except within the house” (Ahmad, Abu Da’ud, Ibn Majah). This implies provision, residence, respect and security.
Appreciation
Some husbands get upset when their wives refuse to do this or that around the house. This has subjected many wives to physical mistreatment. But the following incident clearly shows that it is not the duty of the wife to tend after the house, and therefore, it can in no way justify any sort of retort on the part of the husband. In fact, the following quote would make it seem that many women nowadays should be the one’s complaining as they are forced to do work that they are not truly totally responsible for:
It is reported that a man once came to ‘Umar, the second Caliph, with the intention of bringing to his notice certain complaints he had against his wife. When he reached the door of ‘Umar’s house, he heard the Caliph’s wife railing against him. Hearing this he went back as he though that the Caliph himself was in the same predicament and could therefore hardly be expected to set matters right for him. ‘Umar coming out of his house, saw the person going back. So he called him back and inquired as to the purpose, which had brought him to his house. He said that he had come to him with some complaints against his wife, but turned back on finding that the Caliph himself was subject to the same treatment from his wife. ‘Umar said to him that he patiently bore the excess of his wife because she had certain rights over him. “Is it not true that she cooks my food, washes my clothes and suckles my children, thus relieving me of the necessity of employing a cook, a washerman and a nurse, although she is not in the slightest degree responsible for this? Not only that, I enjoy peace of mind on account of her and I am protected from committing the sin of adultery. In view of these advantages, I put up with her excesses. You should also do the same.
Having clarified some of the misconceptions, countered some distortions, we acknowledge, of course, that not all men or women are following the teachings of the Qur’an in their relationships. Rather than looking at the verse holistically, they only focus on it with a bias to their advantage and abuse it. Men exploit and women rebel. Where men have done so, and women have remained ignorant, injustices have taken place even to the point of physical abuse. Some women, in their ignorance on the issue, have taken this as their Islamic plight. So, for their own benefit, women need to acquire knowledge from the Qur’an, become more aware, rally around it and assert themselves for fairness and justice.
Men should also understand the Qur’an with a fair and just mind without cultural filters and communicate with each other about it so that they can strive together for betterment in their spiritual path.
Prophetic Example
The Hadith, which we must realize is a record of the sayings and doings of the Prophet (pbuh), and the second source of Muslim law and practice, records the Prophet (pbuh) as saying: “The best of you is he who is best to his wife.” Aishah (RA) narrates that the holy Prophet never hit a servant or a woman.
The demeanor of the Messenger (pbuh) toward women, his attitude toward conflict resolution among couples, his exemplary treatment of his wives, his practice of gender-neutral consultation, his abhorrence of violence towards women, his love for all and his persistent efforts to alleviate the human condition; all bring us to the conclusion that he wanted to usher in freedom, dignity and equality; making everyone conscious of only one God - the God of all human beings, not a chauvinistic God.
The Qur’an does not discriminate between the two sexes in any way that undermines their full worth as equal human beings, nor does it give either of them; men or women, priority or superiority over the other in any manner whatsoever, neither does in endorse spouse abuse nor does it encourage spouse battering. Just as men have rights over women, likewise women have rights over men. Just as women have certain duties and obligations, likewise men have certain duties and obligations.
Research has shown that oppressive interpretations of the Qur’an are influenced mostly by cultural practices and values which regard women as inferior and subordinate to men. It is not Islam that oppresses women, but human beings that have failed to understand Allah’s directives.
The honor or superiority of any person cannot be established on the basis of color, race, nationality, gender or family. It must be judged on the basis of his or her piety, conduct and excellence of character, which must be good and virtuous in word and deed. The more a person is good and virtuous in word and action, the greater is his/her excellence; “Surely, the most honored of you in the sight of Allah is the pious, the most righteous” (49:13).
This excerpt was taken from Dimensions of the Qur’an, Volume 1; by Sa’dullah Khan. Center of Irvine.
Thanks for this insightful article, it makes perfect sense.
Reasons not to spank
Spanking is hitting, and hitting hurts physically, emotionally and socially.
Hitting people is wrong – and children are people, too.
Children who are spanked are more likely to be aggressive. This can lead to other problems, like bullying.
Spanking can result in fear, not respect. A child who fears a parent may learn to hide behaviour and lie rather than trust that parent to guide and teach.
Spanking may get a quick reaction, but next time you may end up hitting harder. And when you’re angry and stressed, it’s easy to injure your child.
Spanking doesn’t teach the right lesson. It shows a child that hitting is a way to solve problems.
Dealing with children can be very frustrating at times, and I know it sometimes happens to even the most well-meaning parents who are totally oposed against physical violence that they spank their kid in a moment of anger. But promoting hitting as a means of education is just wrong in my opinion.
Posts: 3587 | Registered: Mar 2006
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You know, I raised my *dog* without ever hitting her. Not even a tap or swat. It was enough with the dog to use tons of praise when she did what I wanted her to do, and a really mean, low tone when she didn't. That dog was never destructive, was always kind and loving, happy, and extremely obedient. A life based heavily on positive reinforcement helped her become the ideal pet.
I can't imagine hitting a child.
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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I don't follow this stuff, but I'd never heard it was illegal to spank your own child. In my home state, it is a matter of degree. Now who decides what is *too much?* I guess that's up to the justice system with each case.
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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Snoozin, in both Florida and Wisconsin, if you leave a mark on your child, you are liable to be held for child abuse.
There were so many cases in Florida, of parents who spanked their children, left red marks on their behinds, or welts and were reported for child abuse.
I guess that is where there is a fine line, what exactly is considered child abuse?
Posts: 3291 | From: I DO believe in Karma! | Registered: Apr 2002
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Spanking is clear in the law. The last time I heard. Swat on the butt. Certain area. No mark, etc. Spanking, hitting, beating...are just different.
I don't know exactly the laws anymore Laura. I haven't had to learn them in a while. Could have changed. But I know corporal punishment is still used in schools. Cuz I get a letter every year that I have to sign, allowed/not allowed. Of course I always say not allowed.
Now if a kid reported he was beat.........it's investigated for sure.
Seriously, hitting and spanking are totally different. Just like dogs and kids. I don't spank my dog.
But like I said before, not everyone should spank. Not everone should be spanked. It has it's place.
Now wife beating........NO. I do not agree.
This topic and the split on it, mentalilities etc. Reminds me of other things like prayer in schools and capital punishment.
Posts: 2133 | From: Redneckland | Registered: Oct 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Shebah: But I know corporal punishment is still used in schools.
Wow! And this is Texas? I haven't heard of anything like that around here (DC area) in almost 20 years.
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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quote:* Spanking teaches kids that it's OK to hit when they're angry.
How? I never spank my kids when angry.
quote:* Spanking can physically harm children.
Not if your responsible. And use spanking as it is meant to be used rather than abusing them.
quote:* Rather than teaching kids how to change their behavior, spanking makes them fearful of their parents and merely teaches them to avoid getting caught.
BS Spanking can make them straighten their act up and take responsibility for their actions/behaviour. I've never seen a kid afraid of their parents because of spanking. Not when it was done in love and in a responsibile manner.
quote:* For kids seeking attention by acting out, spanking may inadvertently "reward" them — negative attention is better than no attention at all.
Nope. Some kids get all the attention no matter how many other kids there are. Positive attention too. I was told more than once that my oldest got more attention than the other two. I was like.
That sounds like an article in reference to child abuse. In that case I'd agree. But for normal, healthy, well loved and cared for kids......
Ok here's one........what happens when you DO all that, and your child still wont straighten up?
Sorry UC but, lots of parent DO those things. No matter how consistent. Sometimes they just don't work. I do/have done ALL those things. I am a very consistent parent. i set clear boundaries. I've often been praised on how well mannered and respected my kids are. So it's not like I am a parent that just pops a kid to deal with it. Thre is a very real difference. But sometimes...........?
Lots of parents like me that spank. Some of the most loved, well adjusted, secure, well mannered, and responsible kids you'd ever meet. Lots turn out to be pretty darn decent adults too.
All kids and situations are different. They dont come with blueprints.
Sorry but it just erghs me when ppl think parents that feel they have to spank sometimes DON'T do all those things. Easy to say, but until you're in my shoes.......????????
Posts: 2133 | From: Redneckland | Registered: Oct 2006
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"Sorry but it just erghs me when ppl think parents that feel they have to spank sometimes DON'T do all those things."
But there are some parents who use spanking as a rule of principle.
"Marshall, a professor of psychology at West Liberty State College, and psychologist in private practice, drew on his professional knowledge, research, and experience to help him write Why Spanking Doesn’t Work. “I have spent countless hours in psychotherapy sessions trying to help patients break the cycle of family violence fostered by the belief that hitting children is proper,” says Marshall. “Spanking teaches children that violence is the solution to behavior problems.” Just as the Hydra, a mythological Greek serpent, grew two new heads for each one that was cut off, the use of spanking to “slay” children’s misbehavior results in the same trap for parents. Not two, but 13 unwanted behaviors spring up to take the place of the punished behavior. These undesirable side effects include aggression, antisocial behavior, and masochism.
“Spanking makes children’s behavior worse, not better,” says the Wheeling, West Virginia father of four. “Unfortunately, by not realizing this sad fact, parents often respond by spanking more, not less. This results in a vicious cycle of violence as boys grow up learning to impose their will on family members through intimidation and physical punishment.” "
The 13 Ways Spanking Harms Children By Michael J. Marshall, P.h.D.
1. Creates aggression. Children who are spanked engage in more hitting and fighting than those who are not physically punished by their parents.
2. Lowers self-esteem. Spanking sends a message to kids that says, "You are a bad person who deserves pain and you are not valuable enough to protect from being hurt," which is incorporated into their self-concept.
3. Creates negative affect (bad feelings). Physical punishment results in feelings of fear, anxiety, humiliation, and depression. In extreme cases it can lead to such personality disorders as sociopathy and multiple personalities. Children become very confused emotionally when the person they expect to love and care for them periodically flip-flops and deliberately hurts them.
4. Alienates the child from the parents. People naturally try to avoid a source of physical punishment, resent the perpetrator, and generally do not like or feel good about the person who is responsible for it. Likewise children may come to associate the punisher with the punishment and end up being fearful of and try to avoid the parent.
5. Creates suppression effects. Kids who receive a lot of physical punishment are less spontaneous, more reserved, and afraid to try new things out of fear that it will result in more punishment.
6. Contributes to antisocial behavior. Spanking teaches children that the motive for desired behaviors is concern for the consequences to one’s self, that is, to avoid pain, rather than be concerned for the effects of one’s behavior on others.
7. Creates masochistic tendencies. Through the conditioning process, children who are hurt by those who love them will come to associate pain with love.
8. Hinders learning and achievement. Children who have had a lot of physical punishment do poorly in school, perform more poorly on tests of development, graduate from college at a lower rate, and earn less money.
9. Models undesirable behaviors. Children of parents who use hitting as their primary means of controlling behavior learn that "might makes right" and are less likely to acquire and use nonviolent conflict resolution skills.
10. The undesirable behavior is not eliminated. The unwanted behavior is only temporarily suppressed in the presence of the punisher. Through discrimination learning a child quickly learns that she can get away with engaging in the wrong behavior whenever the punisher is not present to act as an enforcer.
11. Makes children more likely to engage in the forbidden behaviors. Children brought up with physical punishment have higher levels of reactance, which is the desire to engage in those behaviors which are prohibited, than those who are disciplined nonphysically.
12. Raises the punishment threshold. Children can eventually adapt to a given level of punishment and it will lose its intended effect. This forces the punisher to constantly increase the intensity of punishment in order for it to have any effect. The increased level of physical punishment then makes them become jaded to being struck by others and more likely to accept abusive relationships as normal.
13. Causes physical injuries. Pediatricians are alarmed at the number of injuries they see like radial arm fractures and shaken child syndrome, which result from parent's who physically strike or shake their children.
Hitting children is not better than treating them in ways that do not hurt. It does not model the way we want our children to act. Some day our society will be kinder, gentler and less violent when we all stop hitting children. To stop hitting children will mean, by the very extermination of the practice, that we will be less violent.
posted
Hitting a small child will usually stop misbehavior temporarily. However, other ways of discipline such as verbal correction, reasoning, and time-out work as well and do not have the potential for harm that hitting does. Spanking begets violence. The more children are spanked, the more likely they are to be physically aggressive with siblings, in school and, as adults, with spouses and children, according to psychologist Terry Luce, a professor at the University of Tulsa whose area of research is aggressive behavior. He says children as young as preschool age will hit other children as a result of being spanked themselves. In teen-age years, there is a high correlation between spanking and delinquency.
To parents who say, "I was spanked and I didn't turn out violent," Strauss responds: "Only one-third of the people who smoke die of lung cancer. But anyone who smokes is at an increased risk. The same is true for spanking and violence."
One of the best ways to avoid spanking is to create an environment that minimizes the chance of your child getting into trouble in the first place:
- Create a safe environment for young children where you don't have to say "no" all the time and where your toddler isn't constantly tempted. Babyproof the house so things aren't within reach; substitute a safe activity for a dangerous one.
- Reward good behavior with praise: "You looked before you crossed the street. Good job!"
- Be clear about your expectations: "In 10 minutes, it will be time to turn off the TV and get ready for bed."
- Have as few rules as possible. The ones you have should be reasonable, age appropriate and make sense to the child: "You can't hit the baby because she's very fragile. The rule is, an adult has to be with you when you want to hold her."
- For school-age children, establish household and personal responsibilities or standards of behavior with consequences for noncompliance. Star chart systems work well with this age.
- Find a consequence that fits the misbehavior; establish and agree to it beforehand: "If you're not home by 10 p.m., you'll be grounded for the weekend."
- Be consistent with limit-setting and consequences.
- Take a parent education course on limit-setting and discipline.
When infractions do occur, instead of spanking:
- Remove a child 2 or younger from the activity. Say "That's no!" in a firm but calm voice.
- Put a small child in the crib or playpen while you cool down. Count to 10; step outside; call a friend or the MSPCC hotline (800) 632-8188.
- Use time-out for children 2 to 7, putting the child in a safe but uninviting place (a chair facing a wall) for two to seven minutes (one minute for each year of life).
- With older children, take time for you each to calm down -- "You sit there, I'll sit here, let's think about this." Brainstorm together: "You know that was wrong. What should we do about it? How can we make sure it won't happen again?"
posted
i love people who write books and articles about bringing up kids, like there is this 'average' kid somewhere in existance
-------------------- If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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If I was hitting my kid, I would agree. There is a difference. Clearly you don't get it. I do use positive reinforcement. I do all those things you posted, and MORE.
You might be surprised at the number of pediatricians who say, you know........a spanking sure wouldn't hurt.
How many children do you have UC? Sure you can pick out internet articles and things. I will totally agree with you in some cases. But you certainly cannot make a broad assumption for every spanking and child. Get real.
You didn't answer my question? When you've done ALL those things, and they DON'T work. What then?
Like I said before. Not every one should spank. Not every child should be spanked. It has its place.
Posting article after article wont change the facts, my mind, or others.
I am beginning to think you are telling me I'm hitting my kids when I spank them. If so, how dare you? Who made you the judge, and supreme being who made all the rules?
I do not, nor have I ever hit my children. So don't go there.
UC you sure sound like another on here. One that can never see another side but her own, or ever be wrong. I wonder who?
This is the last post on this I will do. I told you that I do agree with those postings sometimes. But not always. No I am not always right. But neither is anyone else. Not every kid is hit. Not every spanking is conducted or seen in the manner you are portraying. Generalizations are not wise.
Again.....how many kids do you have? How much experience do you have? This is getting old. A friend told me, " ignore it, its like talking to a newspaper". hmmmmmm....
When will you speak for yourself and quit copy/pasting?
I just think if a member is going to imply another member is hitting their children, then they ought to have the guts to show themselves, speak for themselves, show examples from experience, etc., not from the neverending world of the internet has exactly what you're looking for. That is just not quite being fair.
Posts: 2133 | From: Redneckland | Registered: Oct 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Ayisha: i love people who write books and articles about bringing up kids, like there is this 'average' kid somewhere in existance
I don't think that is what these articles are implying.
But taking a tactical approach to parenting and realizing there are options out there besides the tried and true traditional ways of raising kids might yeild a more healthy, compassionate, and peaceful society.
Dalia and UC thanks for bring these articles to people's attention. I can't possibly emphasize enough that the ways and means of raising children in the past cannot possibly producee a better tomorrow.
Posts: 3168 | From: If you don't like it, don't look or read it! | Registered: Oct 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Shebah: If I was hitting my kid, I would agree. There is a difference. Clearly you don't get it. I do use positive reinforcement. I do all those things you posted, and MORE.
You might be surprised at the number of pediatricians who say, you know........a spanking sure wouldn't hurt.
How many children do you have UC? Sure you can pick out internet articles and things. I will totally agree with you in some cases. But you certainly cannot make a broad assumption for every spanking and child. Get real.
You didn't answer my question? When you've done ALL those things, and they DON'T work. What then?
Like I said before. Not every one should spank. Not every child should be spanked. It has its place.
Posting article after article wont change the facts, my mind, or others.
I am beginning to think you are telling me I'm hitting my kids when I spank them. If so, how dare you? Who made you the judge, and supreme being who made all the rules?
I do not, nor have I ever hit my children. So don't go there.
UC you sure sound like another on here. One that can never see another side but her own, or ever be wrong. I wonder who?
This is the last post on this I will do. I told you that I do agree with those postings sometimes. But not always. No I am not always right. But neither is anyone else. Not every kid is hit. Not every spanking is conducted or seen in the manner you are portraying. Generalizations are not wise.
Again.....how many kids do you have? How much experience do you have? This is getting old. A friend told me, " ignore it, its like talking to a newspaper". hmmmmmm....
When will you speak for yourself and quit copy/pasting?
I just think if a member is going to imply another member is hitting their children, then they ought to have the guts to show themselves, speak for themselves, show examples from experience, etc., not from the neverending world of the internet has exactly what you're looking for. That is just not quite being fair.
Normally I agree very much with you Shebah but I simply cant on this. Spanking or hitting (the same in my eyes) is not ok - ever. If your kids dont respect you enough so you dont see other ways than to spank/hit them in a conflict situation, - then you have negelected your parenting responsebility from the begining. I have a hyper 4 year old son with a temper. He often tests my limits of selfcontrol..... When he do something wrong like biting his sister, draw pictures on the wall or getting hysterical because he cant have candy before dinner- then he get sent to his room. He can come out when he is ready to apoligize and behave nice and calm again. I also take priviliges from the kids if they misbehave - like cancel video/candy night, no having friends over to play for a week, no tv/playstation time ect. My 7 years old daughter get 3 euro a week for helping out with small stuff around the house and for being a good student in school. If she misbehave or forget some schoolwork I deduct 50 cents each time. In that way you can "control" the childs behavior. They learn that when they behave nice and do positive things - they get reworded in life and when they do bad things -they get punished. Hitting/spanking a child will only create fear - not respect. In Denmark its against the law to spank/hit a child. You would go to jail and get parentscounsling if anybody found out........
Posts: 528 | From: Denmark | Registered: Dec 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Ayisha: i love people who write books and articles about bringing up kids, like there is this 'average' kid somewhere in existance
I don't think that is what these articles are implying.
But taking a tactical approach to parenting and realizing there are options out there besides the tried and true traditional ways of raising kids might yeild a more healthy, compassionate, and peaceful society.
Dalia and UC thanks for bring these articles to people's attention. I can't possibly emphasize enough that the ways and means of raising children in the past cannot possibly producee a better tomorrow.
and you would know about raising children from which books exactly??
Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Ayisha: i love people who write books and articles about bringing up kids, like there is this 'average' kid somewhere in existance
I don't think that is what these articles are implying.
But taking a tactical approach to parenting and realizing there are options out there besides the tried and true traditional ways of raising kids might yeild a more healthy, compassionate, and peaceful society.
Dalia and UC thanks for bring these articles to people's attention. I can't possibly emphasize enough that the ways and means of raising children in the past cannot possibly producee a better tomorrow.
and you would know about raising children from which books exactly??
I read quite a few during pregnancy and I am amassing a pile to read before I relocate.
I also spend several hours a week sitting down with my ex husband to discuss the changes we will implement when I relocate.
If you are trying to start a fight by implying that I was poking at you I wasn't.
The articles didn't make any statement of what a "normal" child is, nor what normal parenting is.
If you want to make an off-handed comment about my parenting, a personal jab at an already painful situation to which nothing useful nor productive go right ahead. Consistancy is one of your strengths. Posts: 3168 | From: If you don't like it, don't look or read it! | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
sono i am not trying to start a fight, but talking about child raising and actually DOING it are worlds apart. I HAVE raised kids, you haven't, therefore I would be more of an expert on the subject than you would.
-------------------- If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Sheba! my post was not directed towards you specifically. I was just pointing out what the experts say. I am not judging you, I am sure you are a great mom doing the best you can. The reason I posted those articles is because physical punishment seems to be the most prevalant form of child/animal/wife control in the middle east, and I just wanted to show sultan (and others) that there are other alternatives to hitting.
Posts: 3188 | Registered: Feb 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Ayisha: sono i am not trying to start a fight, but talking about child raising and actually DOING it are worlds apart. I HAVE raised kids, you haven't, therefore I would be more of an expert on the subject than you would.
And just because you have raised children doesn't mean you've done it well.
So far tonight you have chased me around 3 different threads to start a fight. I really don't want to wallow in your misery, whatever it is leave me out of it.
Posts: 3168 | From: If you don't like it, don't look or read it! | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
stoooopid woman. I chase you nowhere and have no misery even close to yours. You really are NOT that important sono, stop thinking you are, im bored thats all, you are entertainment nothing more.
-------------------- If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Ayisha: stoooopid woman. I chase you nowhere and have no misery even close to yours. You really are NOT that important sono, stop thinking you are, im bored thats all, you are entertainment nothing more.
Hmm, no matter how much you push me I won't call you stupid or boring, nor will I explain to you your place in the world.
Do you know the meaning of the term "personal boundaries"?
and I have wondered occassionally when you get nasty like this if you are intoxicated. You expect so much out of others and aren't giving willing to give the same in return.
Anyhow carry on. Still wondering what your relocation time frame is whether that will ever happen, if you have the money. Posts: 3168 | From: If you don't like it, don't look or read it! | Registered: Oct 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Ayisha: stoooopid woman. I chase you nowhere and have no misery even close to yours. You really are NOT that important sono, stop thinking you are, im bored thats all, you are entertainment nothing more.
Hmm, no matter how much you push me I won't call you stupid or boring, nor will I explain to you your place in the world.
Do you know the meaning of the term "personal boundaries"?
and I have wondered occassionally when you get nasty like this if you are intoxicated. You expect so much out of others and aren't giving willing to give the same in return.
Anyhow carry on. Still wondering what your relocation time frame is whether that will ever happen, if you have the money.
personal boundaries?? YOU are talking to ME about personal boundaries lol you are entertaining sono even when you dont mean to be
relocation is all in hand, will be there about 40 years before you will be Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Ayisha: stoooopid woman. I chase you nowhere and have no misery even close to yours. You really are NOT that important sono, stop thinking you are, im bored thats all, you are entertainment nothing more.
Hmm, no matter how much you push me I won't call you stupid or boring, nor will I explain to you your place in the world.
Do you know the meaning of the term "personal boundaries"?
and I have wondered occassionally when you get nasty like this if you are intoxicated. You expect so much out of others and aren't giving willing to give the same in return.
Anyhow carry on. Still wondering what your relocation time frame is whether that will ever happen, if you have the money.
personal boundaries?? YOU are talking to ME about personal boundaries lol you are entertaining sono even when you dont mean to be
relocation is all in hand, will be there about 40 years before you will be
When you embellish you discredit yourself.
Just because you have several usernames you've never met who also believe in ES fairytales doesn't mean didiley squat.
The more you act out the more it discredits your version of events.
Posts: 3168 | From: If you don't like it, don't look or read it! | Registered: Oct 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Ayisha: stoooopid woman. I chase you nowhere and have no misery even close to yours. You really are NOT that important sono, stop thinking you are, im bored thats all, you are entertainment nothing more.
Hmm, no matter how much you push me I won't call you stupid or boring, nor will I explain to you your place in the world.
Do you know the meaning of the term "personal boundaries"?
and I have wondered occassionally when you get nasty like this if you are intoxicated. You expect so much out of others and aren't giving willing to give the same in return.
Anyhow carry on. Still wondering what your relocation time frame is whether that will ever happen, if you have the money.
personal boundaries?? YOU are talking to ME about personal boundaries lol you are entertaining sono even when you dont mean to be
relocation is all in hand, will be there about 40 years before you will be
When you embellish you discredit yourself.
Just because you have several usernames you've never met who also believe in ES fairytales doesn't mean didiley squat.
The more you act out the more it discredits your version of events.
sorry but none of that made any sense, oh i am surprised at that!!
ok, give it me again. I have many user names that i have never met??? no sorry it makes no sense yet agian. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Alright I am going to refrain/ignore, you just want someone to b*tch at because you are unhappy.
Posts: 3168 | From: If you don't like it, don't look or read it! | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
LOL im HAPPYYY sono, you just dont like that
-------------------- If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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quote: Sheba! my post was not directed towards you specifically. I was just pointing out what the experts say. I am not judging you, I am sure you are a great mom doing the best you can. The reason I posted those articles is because physical punishment seems to be the most prevalant form of child/animal/wife control in the middle east, and I just wanted to show sultan (and others) that there are other alternatives to hitting.
Ok. Sorry I took it that way.
I agree with a lot that was said. Guess I just took it personal/wrong.
Friday Sermon on Qatar TV: With Some Women, Life is Impossible Unless You Carry a Rod
The following are excerpts from a Friday sermon aired live on Qatar TV on August 27:
We must know that [wife] beating is a punishment in Islamic religious law. No one should deny this because this was permitted by the Creator of Man, and because when you purchase an electric appliance or a car you get instructions - a catalogue, explaining how to use it. The Creator of Man has sent down this book [the Koran] in order to show Man which ways he must choose.
We shouldn't be ashamed before the nations of the world who are still in their days of ignorance, to admit that these [beatings] are part of our religious law. We must remind the ignorant from among the Islamic Nation who followed the [West], that those [westerners] acknowledge the wondrous nature of this verse. There are three types of women with whom life is impossible without beatings.
In America six million women are beaten by their husbands every year. These are their own official statistics. 4000-6000 women die as a result of their husbands' beatings. London police, every year, answer 100,000 phone calls and complaints of attacks against wives. In France, their slogan is, "Beat the wife morning, noon and night, and don't ask her why – she knows the reason." But they use their media to blow this out of proportion. They blow what is happening in the Muslim countries out of proportion. They bring a woman from South-Eastern Asia with a swollen face and present her on TV, claiming this was done by a Muslim who attacked his wife. They forget that Islam is a religion that forbids beating the face even of beasts. It is forbidden to beat even a donkey on its face.
The intelligent people in the [West] admit that a woman does not feel comfort and is not happy unless she's under a man who commands, forbids, controls, and leads. This is the nature of people according to Allah's creation. Allah has created woman, whether Muslim or infidel, so she is happy under a strong man who will protect her and lives with her. It is not surprising, then, that a French woman came before a judge in the land of false freedom and equality and said: "I don't want this husband." The judge asked her: "Why?" and she replied: "He didn't lead me, didn't oppress me, didn't castigate me, didn't talk to me violently, didn't say: Don’t do this, do that." The judge replied: "Don't [his actions] support those who call for equality between man and woman?" The infidel woman answered, "No, no, I don't want him to compete with me, I want a man who leads and rules me."
This is the nature according to which Allah created people, but they contaminated and replaced it with licentiousness and evil. A woman there knows that she lost the battle, and was mislead in the worst way, and she became like gum that the husband chews and throws into the filthy garbage can.
[The Koran says:] "and beat them." This verse is of a wondrous nature. There are three types of women with whom a man cannot live unless he carries a rod on his shoulder. The first type is a girl who was brought up this way. Her parents ask her to go to school and she doesn't – they beat her. "Eat" – "I don't want to" – they beat her. So she became accustomed to beatings, she was brought up that way. We pray Allah will help her husband later. He will only get along with her if he practices wife beating.
The second type is a woman who is condescending towards her husband and ignores him. With her, too, only a rod will help.
The third type is a twisted woman who will not obey her husband unless he oppresses her, beats her, uses force against her, and overpowers her with his voice.Posts: 3587 | Registered: Mar 2006
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