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Why I'd Be a Better VP than Sarah Palin By Rosanne Cash
I'd like to formally submit myself to replace Sarah Palin on the GOP ticket. I feel confident that John McCain will see that the very attributes he desired in his VP choice can be met, and even exceeded in some areas, by me. For your consideration, my big, fat résumé:
1. Focus on the Family
I am the mother of five children, just like Governor Palin. I have known the demands of managing a full-time career and motherhood at the same time. I have juggled a breast pump and a BlackBerry, and I know when to put the BlackBerry down. (To be perfectly honest, I did once send a text to the baby and tried to nurse my bass player. You learn from your mistakes.)
2. Reproductive Issues
I also believe that a teenager's pregnancy is a "private family matter." In fact, I believe that every woman's pregnancy is a "private, family matter." (I bet the GOP never thought of making that leap!)
3. Church and State
Like the Governor, I now also believe that my will is perfectly aligned with God's will. When Governor Palin said that it was God's will for the Alaska pipeline to be built and asked for people to pray for that to happen, I was really inspired by her confidence in the absolute, seamless integration of her will and God's will. I have begun practicing this kind of supreme confidence on a smaller scale, but I am sure that I can quickly move to national issues. Starting with the sartorial, I know that it is God's will that I have the entire Chanel collection for the fall season, including those adorable high-heeled booties that were all over the runway shows.
(A couple things I'm still having trouble with regarding the will of God: I knew it was God's will that I win the Grammy in 2007 for my last record, but Bob Dylan won. This is clearly the work of Satan, but shouldn't my will/God's will have been strong enough to override that? And this Alaska pipeline--if it is God's will to have the pipeline built, then why isn't it built already? On a related topic, I don't own a single piece of Chanel.)
4. Environment
Along with Governor Palin, I don't believe that humans cause climate change.
(Okay, that is a bold-faced lie, but I've been paying really close attention to the campaign stump speeches, and I feel certain I am allowed a generous allotment of bold-faced lies.)
5. Foreign policy
Here's where I really shine. Governor Palin got her first passport in 2007. I got my first passport in 1970, when the Governor was only 6 years old! Not only do I have a passport, I have actually been outside of the United States, dozens of times. I have had relationships and conversations with real foreigners, in their own countries, in restaurants, shops, flea markets, museums, nightclubs, spas, hotels, all modes of public transportation, and even in their own homes. My foreign policies are fair, inclusive and sensitive to cultural differences. I don't ask for English Breakfast tea when I'm in France. I never call foreign currency "funny money" (even though it does look funny.) I don't shout at people to help them better understand English and, finally, I act on God's will when in Paris by going to Chanel, and to all the great boutiques, which is just an extension of God's will, as you can surely extrapolate by the above explanation of my will/God's will.
I know Governor Palin has one distinct advantage in living so close to Russia, in that she can keep a close eye on nefarious activity across the Bering Strait, but I, too, live very close to a foreign country. Canada is less than 400 miles from my home in New York City, and you never know when it might become necessary to invade a sovereign nation that has not attacked us, as we learned the hard way. Not only that, I have a girlfriend in Austin, Texas, whom I'm going to ask to keep an eye on Mexico.
6. Legal Experience
My understanding of the law is extensive, but here are a couple of cogent points: a photographer who thought I had used his photograph of me without his permission sued me. (I absolutely didn't use the photo without permission. When McCain does his meticulous vetting and background checks on me, I will explain the whole story. It was all a big misunderstanding.)
More importantly, I renegotiated my contract with the Sony Corporation in 1987. That was huge. You should have seen my legal bills. I negotiated an all-new contract with Capitol Records in 1995 and that, too, was an exhausting, contentious, but ultimately lucrative enterprise. Entertainment law is a blood sport, people. (Speaking of blood sports, I have to give it up to the Governor on the hunting issue. I have never shot a wolf from a helicopter, but I have thrown my cat off the bed. Hundreds of times.)
7. Higher Education
Governor Palin went to five different colleges to get her BS in journalism, but none of the colleges had entry requirements, whereas I went to a university that required a trigonometry credit before they would admit me. I had to take it the summer before school started. I don't remember a frigging thing, but I got a B. The other disparities in education are too numerous to mention, but suffice to say that I bet she never met Lee Strasberg.
It is true that I have no background in constitutional law, but I have read the Constitution, except for the amendments that don't have anything to do with me, and I watched the entire John Adams mini-series on HBO. Twice.
8. Ethics
I really think this whole investigation into the firing of the top state law enforcement official in Alaska, who wouldn't fire the state trooper who was mean to the Governor's sister, is just overblown. I once fired my assistant for making a pass at my husband, so I can totally understand this! And I would have fired an assistant who made a pass at my sister's husband, too. I love my sisters. Governor Palin loves her sister. People need to get over it.
But speaking of family, I've also had my fill of no-good boyfriends to my daughters, and boy, do I sympathize with the Governor over this Levi fellow and his MySpace page, with the guns and the cursing. My husband once took a broken chair out into the street to chase away a no-good boyfriend of my oldest daughter, and we didn't see the likes of him anymore. I have a zero-tolerance policy for miscreant youth, and I know I could help the Governor sort out her obviously conflicted feelings about setting limits for teenagers, just for her own peace of mind.
9. Iraq
The Governor says she hasn't "focused" on the war in Iraq, but I think she's just joshing us. No person in an executive position in the government of the United States could be so lazy that they would not familiarize themselves with every angle of what is potentially the greatest American debacle since the nation was founded, including all the terminology, like "Bush Doctrine."
If she's not kidding, then I respectfully submit the hate mail I received in 2003, at the beginning of the war, which came after my press conference with Musicians United To Win Without War, as proof of my "focus."
10. Executive Ability
Governor Palin was the mayor of a real town of 5,000 people. I have never been mayor of anything, but I have performed for crowds bigger than the population of Wasilla, Alaska, and I can tell you it's no picnic getting the monitors just right, working with cranky and egotistical musicians, changing clothes in dirty dressing rooms and eating bad backstage food, handling the hecklers and technical problems during a show, and then getting on the bus to go somewhere else and do it all over again the next night. Also, my last record sold about the population of Wasilla times forty, and they all seemed to like it. But dealing with the public is really difficult and they all have opinions about you, which are usually all wrong, so I've developed a thick skin, another requirement for life as the VP. Lastly, and the importance of this cannot be over-emphasized, the guy's head on the tail of the Alaska Airlines planes looks like my dad.
11. Maverick personality
Finally, there is one subject in which I find I am even more conservative than the Governor, and that is in the area of neo-natal responsibility. The Governor was eight months pregnant and in Texas to give a speech, when her water broke. She reportedly made her speech and then traveled eleven hours, dripping amniotic fluid, bypassing Seattle and Anchorage (major cities with world-class hospitals) to travel to a small hospital in Wasilla that had no neo-natal intensive care unit, and gave birth there. Call me a wimp, call me insecure, but you had better also call me a maverick, because I would have said "Damn the schedule! Damn the speech and the airline ticket!" If this had been me, as soon as my water broke, I'd be at the closest hospital and that baby would have been born in Texas! Just like my mom!
In summation, I present myself to the GOP as a woman, and I repeat, woman, who has held a passport for thirty-eight years, a lip gloss-wearing soccer-volleyball-softball-gymnastics mom of five, who can carry a six-pack home to her husband like nobody's business, whose will is firmly aligned with God's will, a neo-natal conservative and legally savvy public figure, a border-watching, trigonometry-credited, breastfeeding, BlackBerry-tapping, cat-throwing maverick whose daughters are out of their teens, therefore immune to teenage pregnancy (although this is a private, family matter), and whose dad's head (or an eerie facsimile) adorns a state airline.
I could offer more to recommend me to the job of vice president, but one last special quality that I share with Governor Palin is the fact that I also have a husband who wants his state to secede from the Union. Ever since the 2000 election, my husband has been all for the secession of not only New York, but the island of Manhattan! And I have to tell you, if Sarah Palin becomes vice president of the United States, he says we have to personally secede from the whole country. So please, people, write me in on the ballot in November, or write me in New Zealand, where I'll be making my new home.
Rosanne Cash is a singer-songwriter, and even though she has met Presidents Bush and Clinton (who appeared to note her décolletage with great appreciation), the ambassador to the Czech Republic and George Stevens, who produces the Kennedy Center Honors awards show, she does not think her knowledge of world leaders should be held against her, because her experience in Washington is limited to three days during the Million Mom March.
quote: I know Governor Palin has one distinct advantage in living so close to Russia, in that she can keep a close eye on nefarious activity across the Bering Strait, but I, too, live very close to a foreign country. Canada is less than 400 miles from my home in New York City, and you never know when it might become necessary to invade a sovereign nation that has not attacked us, as we learned the hard way. Not only that, I have a girlfriend in Austin, Texas, whom I'm going to ask to keep an eye on Mexico.
My favorite. Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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Obama is the most inexperienced candidate in American history by far. Everything said about Gov. Palin applies to him as well. What I am hearing from most of you is nothing more than partisanship. If expierence is the issue this race is no contest....it should be McCain and Joe Biden.
Posts: 2069 | From: Texas | Registered: Sep 2008
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LOL, who would put a POW who bombed civilians and then got himself captured due to his own incompetence into the White house. Everyone of McCain's college and officer training collegues interviewed by the History channel documentary on McCain describe him thusly; 1) Not too smart 2) The class clown 3) Good for laughs Sounds like Presidential material to me. Only more like the President of the Jerry Seinfeld Fan club then of the USA.
When it comes down to it though, both of these candidates supported a bill that pretty much lends Wall St and Banks Taxpayer dollars, interest free, so Wall St and banks can lend our own money back to us at predatory interest rates.
That the general US population didn't revolt and hang all those crooks is a true testament to the apathetic mindset of the American public.
Posts: 3595 | From: Moved To Mars. Waiting with shotgun | Registered: Dec 2006
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The voters will decide, that is true. They will not decide who is the most expierenced. If the election were based on that Mccain would easily win. Keep in mind that Joe Biden and MCain are very close friends. Biden even said in the spring, "I would love to run with John McCain."
Posts: 2069 | From: Texas | Registered: Sep 2008
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The only experience McCain has is in deferring to his superiors. LOL, he can't even select a credible running mate.
Technically, McCain is a WAR CRIMINAL who has bombed babies. why doesn't the Republican Party or McCain thank the family of the Vietnamese man who saved McCain from drowning and then protected him from the wrath of the people he had been bombing just before being shot out of the sky? John McCain failed to even mention the guy in his speech describing only how he parachuted "into a small lake in Hanoi to an angry crowd." He also didn't mention the crowd wanted to kill him for incompetently dropping his bombs on a civilian school. Yeah, this is the perfect "experienced" guy we want in teh white house. A prefect follow up to George Bush.
Posts: 3595 | From: Moved To Mars. Waiting with shotgun | Registered: Dec 2006
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There are other factors to consider than experience. Being experienced at making poor choices and bad judgments is not good experience. The person needs to be able to surround himself with the people who have the highest expertise for what is needed and then be able to make the best judgment.
Sorry, but it is not partisan to notice that McCain has not run his campaign well, made a poor choice for his running mate, and frankly has been erratic.
I think that the way that Obama has run his campaign is exceptional and his choice of a running mate is on target. He is a diplomat, very articulate, has stayed focused, and run a respectable campaign. He is above average intelligence and very competent.
-------------------- "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) Leap and the Net will Appear. Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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So when Obama refused to support reform of fannie and freddie he used good judgement? I agree he is bright enough, that is not the issue. The issue is style over substance. Obama has shied away from the hard political decisions both in the state and U.S. Congress. Your view of sarah palin is purly partisan. She is, by definition, just as qualified as Obama. She will also be a major star in American politics for years to come. The point is this. You are taking a big chance on Obama because aside from his campaign, and I'll grant you that, you are only guessing that he is up to the job.
Posts: 2069 | From: Texas | Registered: Sep 2008
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Go ahead Hammer and humor yourself thinking that my opinion of Palin is partisan. Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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TAP there are many Republicans who wont vote for McCain due to his poor choice in VP. Palin is a joke and she is sticking her foot in her mouth each time she turns around. I am not saying she is not a good person ok maybe but for VP - well I think mcCain is losing it and going senile personally.
Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2008
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you guys are pathetic. All you can do is practice the politics of insult. It's like a bunch of fans at a football game....my team good, their team bad. I know exactly what you are going to say on every issue before you say it.
Posts: 2069 | From: Texas | Registered: Sep 2008
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quote:Originally posted by TheAmericanPatriot: you guys are pathetic. All you can do is practice the politics of insult. It's like a bunch of fans at a football game....my team good, their team bad. I know exactly what you are going to say on every issue before you say it.
At least we aren't saying that she is a terrorist, or kill her. Paaalease.
You really need to scope out the behavior of your party before you start throwing stones.
Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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my party? I am not submerged in mindless partisanship. You guys get hung up in all this and there is not 10 cents worth of difference in the views of the candidates.
Posts: 2069 | From: Texas | Registered: Sep 2008
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The difference between the voters of both party are as fundamentally different as the apparent differences between you and of_Gold. Where one is sweet and innocent, while the other is bitter and manifested as sin incarnate.
Posts: 3595 | From: Moved To Mars. Waiting with shotgun | Registered: Dec 2006
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TAP she really did say those things it was not attempt at insult. If insult is saying the truth then that may be why snl was so funny?
Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2008
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yeah , its an insult egor. I never hear you say a word about the endless dumb comments joe Biden comes up with or Obama saying he wants to campaign in all 57 states.
Posts: 2069 | From: Texas | Registered: Sep 2008
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I can't speak for the others, but every time I note something Biden said, a day later both Palin and McCain say something even dumber. So dumb that I soon forget what it was Biden said.
Posts: 3595 | From: Moved To Mars. Waiting with shotgun | Registered: Dec 2006
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quote:Originally posted by TheAmericanPatriot: yeah , its an insult egor. I never hear you say a word about the endless dumb comments joe Biden comes up with or Obama saying he wants to campaign in all 57 states.
So it's ok to say it if I say it about the others? It's ok to do it if I do it foreveryone? Have you gone off your meds?
Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2008
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it shows the partisan double stsndard you live by. It shoes that you are not interested in issues but more in throwing turds. Any idiot can throw turds and that is mostly what you do.
Posts: 2069 | From: Texas | Registered: Sep 2008
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Hammer, I'm sorry to break this news to you but, the reason we say things about Palin is that it is so in your face, blatantly obvious. Even her own party is saying it.
The fact that they try to keep the press away from her is another clue. They are hoping that everyone doesn't catch on. The more she speaks the deeper she gets. Personally, I wish she could be interviewed on a regular basis.
You keep telling us how much experience Palin has. Well W. has more experience than all of them. If it were possible would you like him to run the country for another 4 years?
-------------------- "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) Leap and the Net will Appear. Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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If Palin were a democrat she would be wonderful. Its all nonsense Gold and you know better. What you would like to do is have her intervied by these left leaning journalists and tripped up with gotcha questions at every turn. Either one of us could design questions to make the other look like an idiot. I tell you this Gold, let me interview Obama on TV and I will make him look like a complete moron. We all know the game and so do you. Sarah Palin is as fully qualified to be president in the morning as Obama is.
You and I have a different view of what politics is all about. Did you know that Joe Biden and John McCain are the best of friends. Did you know that spending on the disadvantaged went up more under president bush than any adminsitration since Johnson? The fact is you look at this like a ball game when in realty Obama and President Bush AGREE on 95% of the issues.
Posts: 2069 | From: Texas | Registered: Sep 2008
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If you make off hand statements as this, you should have the decency of posting REAL stats that confirm the accuracy of your "opinion". Else, it may be viewed once again as usual, just Hammer's 1000000th lie, and 10000000000th unconfirmed opinion.
LOL if they allowed you to interview Obama on TV, you end up shooting yourself in the head in between the 1 and second question. You have trouble even keeping your boys KIK and DJ in line. LMAO!
Posts: 3595 | From: Moved To Mars. Waiting with shotgun | Registered: Dec 2006
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Hammer, Palin would never be a Democrat she is too far out in right field. If she were a democrat there is no way that I would vote for her.
Yes, Biden and McCain are friends. They are friends who disagree. I live in Texas, I have plenty of friends that I disagree with. So what is your point?
As far as W. and Obama agreeing on 95% of the issues, that is just BS.
Meninarmer, facts have a liberal bias...
-------------------- "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) Leap and the Net will Appear. Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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They do not disagree gold, disagree on what? My point is that you look at politics like it was a ball game. Biden and McCain do not see it that way and you can do better.
Posts: 2069 | From: Texas | Registered: Sep 2008
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I just did, it is obvious that 90% of what you say is throwing turds in one way or the other.
Posts: 2069 | From: Texas | Registered: Sep 2008
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LOL, "Throwing turds", the standard Hammer response when confronted with, truth. Where you live, on the Oklahoma-Texas border where they hold the annual rotten tomato fights between Texans and Sooners?
Posts: 3595 | From: Moved To Mars. Waiting with shotgun | Registered: Dec 2006
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The Ameican Pat you are hypocritical because mccain camp does the same always & this for you:
MCSAME - Admitted: 1. I was born an idiot. 2. I am a moronic “natural born” citizen. 3. My unfortunate birth was about four scores after slavery ended. 4. My father, John Sydney McSame, Sr. admitted Paternity of me unwillingly. 5. My mother gave birth to me even though she wanted an abortion. 6. My mother’s maiden name is irrelevant 7. The stuff my people post online is almost always a lie 8. I wish i was adopted by a Foreign Citizen. 9. I was never adopted and drank myself stupid as a teen 10. I was not born in the 1900's. 11. I was not born before cars were invented. 12. I was not born with much sense. I still have most of it. 13. I was not born to be president. 14. I am not a good pilot. 15. I never took the education seriously. 16. I was trading secrets with the Vietnamese. 17. My date of birth is sometime around 1898. 18. I traveled to Alaska in 1902 with my family in a covered wagon. 19. I like to talk about being a POW. 20. My dad got me in to the Naval Academy even though I am not smart. 21. I crashed 7 planes. 22. I was captured in Viet Nam. 23. I got to stay in a hotel room in Viet Nam. 24. My Vietnamese captors knew who I was and got me some really good pad thai. 25. I am proud of my time I spent in that hotel room. 26. My captors got me 88% pure heroin and good coke in that hotel room. 27. My captors got me great hookers in that hotel room. 28. My wife stayed with me thru this time. 29. I left my wife when I got back because I didnt think she was hot anymore plus I had syphillis. 30. I found me a new hot wife. 31. I found a new hot wife that is rich. 32. The new wife loves booze and opiates almost as much as me and she had syphillis. 33. I own 13 homes 34. I have a violent temper and have been known to lose it, berating my wife in public. 35. I have stiff arms and blink a lot. 36. The phrase "my friends" is my favorite. 37. I am not a maverick 38. I never really liked colored folks. 39. I never really understood why anyone in a trailer would vote for me. 40. I am a sorry excuse for a presidential candidate. 41. I picked Palin because I dont have a clue. 42. I am really only about big business, the rich and plumbers. 43. I take all kinds of money from lobbyists. 44. I obtained $200 Million dollars in campaign funds by fraudulent means.
Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2008
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You are a real brilliant guy smiley. We are all so glad to have the opportunity to be blessed with your brilliance.
Posts: 2069 | From: Texas | Registered: Sep 2008
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