EgyptSearch Forums: RedNeCk JoKes

...

»	EgyptSearch Forums » Living in Egypt » RedNeCk JoKes

UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!

Author

Topic: RedNeCk JoKes

Shebah
Member
Member # 12165

Rate Member

posted

Most of us on ES know about Jeff Foxworthy. (i think) Anyway, if you don't he is if not THE, the ONE of the most famous Redneck comedians. He is sooooooooo funny. But part of what makes him so funny is the amount of truth in his jokes. All of us born into Redneck families can see ours in his jokes. LOL Sometimes I swear he knows my brother personally. All of his jokes seem to be about him. TRUE

Anyway, here is an inkling of some of his stuff. The only text I found was some of his, "You might be a Redneck if" jokes.

I encourage the ones that haven't heard of him to listen to some of his stuff on the link. You have to hear his jokes with his accent. Or you're just not getting the full Redneck feel of it. LOL

Enjoy [Big Grin]

http://www.jefffoxworthy.com/media/

You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.

Your house doesn't have curtains,
but your truck does.

You've been married three times
and still have the same in-laws.

Your house still has the
"WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.

You got stopped by a state trooper.
He asked you if you had an I.D.
And you said, 'Bout What?'

Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

If you can burp
and say your name at the same time,
you're shur'nuff a redneck.

You think Possum is
"The Other White Meat"

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

The centerpiece on your dining room table
is an original signed work
by a famous taxidermist.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.

Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.

You think safe sex is a padded headboard.

You think subdivision is part of a math problem.

You may be a Redneck if ...
You and your dog use the same tree.

You think the last words to
The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."

Your father executes the "pull my finger"
trick during Christmas dinner.

You believe dual air bags refer
to your wife and mother-in-law

Your front porch collapses
and four dogs git killed.

The people on Jerry Springer's show
remind you of your neighbors

You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

Down where you come from ...reruns of
Hee Haw are called documentaries.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You have flowers planted in a
bathroom fixture in your front yard.

On your first date you had to ask your
Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You've been on TV more than 5 times
describing the sound of a tornado.

The beer can collection in the
town museum is the big tourist attraction.

You own a homemade fur coat.

You think loading the dishwasher
means getting your wife drunk.

You stare at an orange juice container
because it says, "CONCENTRATE".

Anyone in your family died right
after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!".

That billboard that says,
"SAY NO TO CRACK"
reminds you to pull up your jeans.

You've got more than three cousins
named 'Bubba'.

You ever You think taking a bubble bath starts
with eating beans for dinner.

Your child's first words were
"Attention K-Mart shoppers!"

You won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest.

You think a woman who is
"out of your league"
bowls on a different night.

you’ve ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.

you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.

. . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck

there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

. . . you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.

. . . the strongest smell in your house is butane.

. . . you think paprika is a Third World country.

. . . you ask the preacher, “How’s it hanging?”

. . . you go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.

. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

. . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.

. . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

. . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.

. . . you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.

. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

. . . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

. . . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

. . . you’ve got more than one other named “Darryl”.

. . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

. . . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.

. . . your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.

. . . you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s Eve party.

. . . you’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.

. . . you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.

. . . you’ve ever valet parked a snow plow.

. . . you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.

. . . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

. . . you have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother’s an honor student” at the local junior high.

. . . you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.

. . . you played the banjo in your high school band.

. . . the velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.

. . . you have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs.

. . . you can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.

. . . your mother doesn’t put shoes on to go grocery shopping.

. . . you’ve ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.

. . . you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

. . . anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.

. . . you don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

. . . you’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.

. . . your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.

. . . you owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.

. . . you have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

. . . you’ve ever hollered, “Rock the house, Bubba!” during a piano recital.

. . . your kids’ favorite bedtime story is “Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.”

. . . your watchband is wider than any book you’ve ever read.

. . . you know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.

. . . you’ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

. . . your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.

. . . you time your belches to achieve a personal best.

. . . your new job promotion means that the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts.

. . . the fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.

. . . your favorite restaurant has the word “eats” anywhere in the name.

. . . there’s graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house.

. . . you have grease under your toenails.

. . . your idea of a romantic evening is sharing the same spit cup with your girlfriend at a tractor pull.

. . . the most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is “What the hell are you lookin’ at Diphead?”

. . . your best coon hound gets a birthday present and your wife doesn’t.

. . . your mother has more chest hair than your father.

. . . you think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

. . . you think a manicure is some kind of French doctor.

. . . your mama saves aluminum foil.

. . . you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

. . . you clean your house with a water hose.

. . . during the wedding ceremony the minister said, “Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?”

. . . the game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart.

. . . you took your coon dogs on your honeymoon.

. . . you drive across town to see a car wreck.

. . . you think that anyone with ten fingers and toes is abnormal.

. . . you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a “freebie” at the House of Tattoos.

. . . you have a personal account of a UFO sighting.

. . . you think a hard drive is driving more than one hour.

. . . you’ve ever taken a generator and a 27-inch TV camping.

. . . you help booby trap your family’s marijuana crop.

. . . you have ever made a frog-gigging spear.

. . . your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside.

. . . you wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.

. . . you follow the tractor pull circuit.

. . . you have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.

. . . your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.

. . . your favorite T-shirt is declared offensive in at least 13 states.

. . . you’ve ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.

. . . you attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.

. . . you’ve ever been asked to leave Shoney’s all-you-can-eat breakfast.

. . . you’ve ever stolen toilet paper.

. . . you think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.

. . . your deceased hunting dog’s tombstone is larger than your grandfather’s.

. . . you wake up in the morning already dressed for work.

. . . you think the police can’t see you because your truck is painted camouflage.

. . . your car ashtray is so packed, you can’t get it out.

. . . you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

. . . you’re driving a vehicle with no original body parts.

. . . you quit your job because deer season’s fixin’ to start.

. . . your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction.

. . . you’ve ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.

. . . you’re a member of the “Chaw of the Month Club.”

. . . your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

. . . you’ve ever been hunting on a tractor.

. . . your yard has more than ten ceramic figurines.

. . . you think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.

. . . you must go through more than 2 gates to get to your home.

. . . you’ve never seen a film with subtitles.

. . . you own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.

. . . you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

. . . you’ve ever talked back to characters on the movie screen.

. . . you won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

. . . your kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for Easter eggs.

. . . three-fourths of all the clothes you own have logos on them.

. . . getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

. . . you’ve ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape.

. . . your coat of arms features a tire iron.

. . . you own a denim leisure suit.

. . . you use Armor-All on your leather jacket.

. . . the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

. . . your spring wardrobe mostly involves using scissors.

. . . your tires are worth more than your truck.

. . . you tried to claim “loss of teeth” as an exemption on your taxes.

. . . you bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.

. . . you think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.

. . . you take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.

. . . you and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.

. . . you prefer car keys to Q-tips.

. . . people don’t recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.

. . . your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.

. . . you know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.

. . . you’ve ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.

. . . the front license plate of your car has the words “Foxy Lady” written in airbrush.

. . . your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

. . . any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.

. . . all of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.

. . . you have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.

. . . you own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

. . . you refer to your beer gut as “the old tool shed.”

. . . your boots cost more than your wedding ring.

. . . you’ve ever vacationed in a rest area.

. . . you always thought “Guns and Roses” was something you get for your anniversary.

. . . you proposed in a Denny’s.

. . . the passengers enter your vehicle through the driver’s-side door.

. . . you think “Chablis” is the name of last month’s Playboy centerfold.

. . . you save cooking grease in a coffee can.

. . . you inherited a Styrofoam cooler.

. . . your doghouse and your living room both have the same shag carpet.

. . . you’ve ever had to move a car seat to make love.

. . . you’re familiar with Copenhagen but have never heard of Denmark.

. . . your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.

. . . you think “trash TV” is something in your backyard.

. . . you have an above ground pool and you fish in it.

. . . your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.

. . . an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

. . . you thing “megabytes” means a good day fishing.

. . . you’ve ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.

. . . your deer stand has an address.

. . . you have more things with Hank Williams Jr.’s name on them than your own.

. . . you think a lavatory is a breed of dog.

. . . you’ve ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.

. . . you use old auto parts as a boat anchor.

. . . your pickup truck and wife are the same age.

. . . your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.

. . . you’ve ever given livestock as a wedding present.

. . . people hear your car a long time before they see it.

. . . your 23-channel CB radio is used to communicate with your family.

. . . your bridal veil was made of window screen.

. . . you call your boss “dude.”

. . . you repaint your pink flamingo every spring . . . but not your house.

. . . you have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag.

. . . you whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress.

. . . the nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement.

. . . your Friday nights consist of lots of Budwieser and a mechanical bull.

. . . you have used a potato peeler to remove a corn.

. . . you see a sign that says “dip in road” and you stop to see what flavor it is.

. . . you’ve ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour.

. . . you’ve ever fished from over a fence.

. . . you have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.

. . . you think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.

. . . you keep catfish in your aquarium.

. . . you think truffles are a brand of potato chips.

. . . you’ve ever bought a used cap.

. . . you know all the verses to the “Hee Haw” song.

. . . your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.

. . . your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew.

. . . any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.

. . . you think people who have electricity are uppity.

. . . you know how to milk a goat.

. . . you’ve ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.

. . . your two best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.

. . . you’ve ever hollered, “You kids quit playin’ on that sheet metal.”

. . . your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.

. . . your idea of summer vacation is running through a sprinkler in the front yard.

. . . you’ve ever named a child for a good dog.

. . . there are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.

. . . your local newspaper has a front-page feature called “Cow of the Week.”

. . . you have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer.

. . . your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.

. . . you think “Hooked on Phonics” is a fishing show.

. . . you’ve ever attended a dance at the bus station.

. . . your guest bedroom is also your tool shed.

. . . you spend three days in line for Reba tickets.

. . . you can’t keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken.

. . . you think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.

. . . you drive more than thirty miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes.

. . . you spend most of your time in the laundromat so you can watch TV.

. . . grass is growing in the floor boards of your car.

. . . the highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.

. . . the auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.

. . . you own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.

. . . your wife left you for last year’s winner of the hog-calling contest.

. . . your flashlight holds more than four batteries.

. . . you cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.

. . . you cut your toenails in front of company.

. . . a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.

. . . your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

. . . you ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.

. . . you use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.

. . . you use the shaving cream made for tough beards . . . and so does your husband.

. . . the emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.

. . . your car has more than two exhaust pipes.

. . . people come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.

. . . your house plants aren’t in pots.

. . . your front yard looks like a Toys R Us after a tornado.

. . . you think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

. . . everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.

. . . you’ve ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.

. . . making beer is a neighborhood project.

. . . you clean your fingernails with a stick.

. . . you’ve ever gotten in fist fight in a laundromat over a dryer.

. . . you secretly get your firewood from your neighbor’s yard.

. . . your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.

. . . your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

. . . you take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

. . . your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it.

. . . your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.

. . . in preparation for your upcoming wedding, your register your Tupperware pattern.

. . . you are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone.

. . . you consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job.

. . . one of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.

. . . your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.

. . . your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.

. . . you’ve ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.

. . . your screen door has no screen.

. . . there are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

. . . the receptionist is responsible for checking the rat traps at your place of business.

. . . your family reunion is sponsored by a beer company.

. . . there is trophy in your house with the word “spitting” on it.

. . . you open beer bottles with your belt buckle.

. . . you’ve ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.

. . . you tell Grandpa he has something in his teeth and he takes them out to see.

. . . you use the “O” on the stop sign in front of your house to sight in your new rifle.

. . . you wear your softball uniform even on the days you’re not playing.

. . . your pickup truck used to be a car.

. . . your favorite fishing lure is TNT.

. . . you stockpile pork and beans.

. . . you use baling wire to keep your car door closed.

. . . you’ve ever lost your wife in a poker game.

. . . your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.

. . . the air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than 5 years ago.

. . . your best pick-up line for women is written on your baseball cap.

. . . you think “social consciousness” means how well you can hold your liquor.

. . . your bring a bar of soap to a public pool.

. . . you keep a pellet gun by the front door.

. . . you’ve ever participated in a burp-off.

. . . you’ve ever heckled during a eulogy.

. . . your wife puts Bean-O on everything you eat.

. . . your dog rides in the front seat and your kids ride in the back.

. . . you taught your children how to play “Pull My Finger.”

. . . you own half a pickup truck.

. . . you’ve ever made love on a tire swing.

. . . you show strangers your war wound.

. . . your mailing address includes the word “holler.”

. . . the Salvation Army comes to your house and takes the wrong furniture.

. . . there are antlers nailed to the outside of your house.

. . . you fill up the bathtub just to test out a fishing lure.

. . . you own every Box Car Willie album.

. . . you refer to your dog as your youngest.

. . . you select a date’s corsage to match her tattoo.

. . . you’re over 30 and still giving other people “wedgies.”

. . . you have three first names.

. . . turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

. . . you’ve ever water-skied in your underwear.

. . . you throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.

. . . your garbage man is confused about what stays and what goes.

. . . the hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.

. . . you think a dashboard is the best place to keep your hats.

. . . for your first anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-mart snack bar.

. . . you videotape fishing shows.

. . . there is more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.

. . . someone asks, “Where’s your bowling bag?” and you answer, “She’s at home with the kids.”

. . . your masseuse uses lard.

Posts: 2133 | From: Redneckland | Registered: Oct 2006 | IP: Logged |

Shebah
Member
Member # 12165

Rate Member

posted

Don't think this one is Jeff Foxworthy. But it's cute. LOL

The Redneck Love Poem

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds......IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

--------------------
شكرا و أللام عليكم
شيبى

Posts: 2133 | From: Redneckland | Registered: Oct 2006 | IP: Logged |

Korven.
Member
Member # 11013

posted

I did not get all of them, but the ones I got are the funniest since long time [Smile]

Posts: 1167 | From: Homelandless | Registered: May 2006 | IP: Logged |

Shebah
Member
Member # 12165

Rate Member

posted

Yup...he's funny. But I guess for someone who isn't American some might be kind of odd.

[Smile]

You ever see the beverly hillbilly's do you get that? I've been wondering if I should send a dvd to my guy. But don't know if he'd get it.

--------------------
شكرا و أللام عليكم
شيبى

Posts: 2133 | From: Redneckland | Registered: Oct 2006 | IP: Logged |

fellati achawi
Member
Member # 12885

Rate Member

posted

this is not funny. This guy is making fun and degrading a people. This is very racist and considered derogative just to let you foriegners who may think that they are getting close to americans know that if you say these types of things to them then you could be the next tree branch. dont think everybody feels the same shebah. alot of people make fun of themselves, but only to themselves. jeff foxworthy, jus like any american, is working and making cash but jeff is not representative of every original southener's feelings concerning a people. His jokes are more inside and if any outsider inifringes the repectability of those people then, he or she will be sorted out. the word redneck is used alot but people are very ignorant of this term and think that it is just some common everyday language. It is not and has deep cultural roots which go back to the founders of the american nation.
Im just saying to do a little research on people before you joke

--------------------
لا اله الا الله و محمد الرسول الله

Posts: 495 | From: anchorage, alaska | Registered: Feb 2007 | IP: Logged |

seabreeze
Member
Member # 10289

posted

I think shebah is a redneck.
[Big Grin]

Lol, everyone knows Jeff Foxworthy is a comedian, you might not like his jokes, so don't read and don't listen, jees everyone has become so self important these days.
If you knew anything you would know the majority of his fans are self described rednecks, they laugh because they see the truth in some things he says even if it is exaggerated. I hate when people try to push their standards of humor on me, sorry but he's funny to me, end of story.
[Roll Eyes]

Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006 | IP: Logged |

mi feng
Member
Member # 9378

Rate Member

posted

I think abdulkarem is a redneck.
[Big Grin]

Ha, I didn't know you HAD to be from the South to be a redneck, my neighbors in the North sure don't think so.
Just for the record, I have never in my life met a redneck that would take offense to Foxworthy. I guess rednecks aren't usually "take offense" kind of people. That's for my other neighbors, and they voted for leash laws.
I prefer Ron White from "Tater Salad" - he's just totally screwed up, but he never has any new material!

Posts: 1161 | From: wo xiang xiao bian ji si le | Registered: Oct 2005 | IP: Logged |

seabreeze
Member
Member # 10289

posted

Yes I agree, that Tater Salad guy is hilarious, he's from Texas and has a very dry sense of humor, anybody ever hear/watch Larry the Cable Guy? [Big Grin]

I don't care who you are, that's funny....

Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006 | IP: Logged |

Printer-friendly view of this topic