posted
Please i do not mean to offend.....Take these as they are, ... JOKES
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I' m Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm 92 years old .. I'm telling everybody."
Posts: 634 | From: the Moon........... | Registered: Mar 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
a man says to his wife,when i die i want you to promise me ,you will bury me with all my money ,so the wife promises her husband she will do that,
on the day of his funeral,her friend asks,did you bury him with all that money ,the wife says yes as i promised him.
the friend said you are crazy,the wife replied i put the cash in the bank,and put a chegue for the amount in the coffin .
Posts: 126 | From: england | Registered: May 2007
| IP: Logged |
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out of children. ON A HAIR DRYER: Do not use while sleeping. ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap. ON A FROZEN DINNER: Serving suggestion: Defrost. ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP: Fits one head. ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating. ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not iron clothes on body. ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery. ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only. ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use. ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts. ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
An elephant was walking through the jungle one day when it suddenly stepped on a thorn, wedging it between its toes. Being in too much pain to continue, the elephant lay down and began to cry. Shortly after, an ant came across the elephant and asked why she was crying. "I have a thorn in my foot and it's too painful to walk," cried the elephant.
The ant thought a minute and offered a deal: "I'll pull the thorn from your foot, if you let me have my way with you."
"Okay, I'll do anything," whined the elephant. "Just get the damn thorn out!"
The ant pulled the thorn out, then mounted the elephant and began to hump away. Two monkeys in a nearby tree witnessed the whole thing and were laughing their asses off. They started throwing coconuts at the elephant, and finally one hit her square in the head. The elephant yelled, "YEOUCH!"
The ant said, "Yeah, that's riiight, take it all bitch!"
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
The only religious joke I know, my mother (a catholic) tells it and always laughs:
Jesus comes upon a crowd yelling at shouting at Mary Magdeline, calling her names and preparing to stone her to death for her prositution. Jesus comes before them and raising his hands he says, 'let the one amongst you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone'. Suddenly a rock comes flying from the crowd and hits Mary Magdeline in the arm. Jesus turns around and says, 'mom!!!??' Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
> He Is Watching You! > > > A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around > looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his > sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus > is watching you." > > He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. > When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised > himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light > back on and began searching for more valuables. > > Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear > as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." > > Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the > source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room , his flashlight > beam came to rest on a parrot. > > "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. > > "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn > you." > > The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?" > > "Moses," replied the bird. > > "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot > Moses?" > > The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would > name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
a priest was standing in the street in egypt while it was raining so bad.... water here and there .... the water reached his knee ,,,a transportation bus stopped by , ( come on father, jump in ..or u will die ) priest : jesus and god are saving me ..... after a while water reaches his chest ... the next bus came and the same happens ....after awhile the water came to his neck ,,,the 3rd bus came and the same happened ....the water covered the priest so he died ....when his soul is up ..he said : ( I was saying god and jesus are saving me ...god and jesus are saving me ,why wasn't I saved !!!) suddenly he felt a strong kick on his bottom followed by gods voice ( I sent u 3 buses why didn't u ride one of them u moron ....
..lol just a joke ....
Posts: 235 | From: cairo | Registered: Apr 2007
| IP: Logged |
The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition. "Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."
"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.
When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"
"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
What''s the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper? One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are > things that people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and > now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm > while these exchanges were actually taking place. It's worth reading to > the end! > > > > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? > WITNESS: No, I just lie there. > _______________________________ > > ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? > WITNESS: July 18th. > ATTORNEY: What year? > & nbsp; WITNESS: Every year. > _____________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. > ______________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory > at all? > WITNESS: Yes. > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? > WITNESS: I forget. > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something > you forgot? > ________________ ______ _______________ > > ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living wit h you? > WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember > which. > ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? > WITNESS: Forty-five years. > _____________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you > that morning? > WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? > > WITNESS: My name is Susan. > ______________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved > in voodoo? > WITNESS: We both do. > ATTORNEY: Voodoo? > WITNESS: We do. > ATTORNEY: You do? > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. > _____________________ ___________ ______ > > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in > his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? > ____________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is > he? > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. > ________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? > WITNESS: ; Would you repeat the question? > ______________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August > 8th? > WITNESS: Yes. > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? > WITNESS: Uh. > ______________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? > WITNESS: Yes. > ATTORNEY: How many were boys? > WITNESS: None. > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? > ______________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminat ed? > WITNESS: By death. > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? > ______________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? > ______________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a > deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. > ______________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you > performe d on dead people? > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. > ______________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What School did > you go to? > WITNESS: Oral. > ______________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was > doing an autopsy on him! > _______ _____________ ________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? > WITNESS: Huh? > ____________________________________________ > > And the best for last . . . > > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you > check for a pulse? > WITNESS: No. > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? > WITNESS: No. > ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? > WITNESS: No. > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive > when you began the autopsy? > WITNESS: No. > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? > ; WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. > > ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, > nevertheless? > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive > and practicing law. > >
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
one day jesus and moses were out golfing. jesus said hand me the 9 iron. moses- you can't make that shot with a nine iron. jesus says arnold palmer can. so he hits the ball and it goes right into the pond. moses says I'll get it. moses walks to the pond and splits the water in two and brings the ball back to jesus. jesus says- hand me the nine iron. moses replys- i tell ya, ya can't hit that shot with a nine iron. jesus responds- arnold palmer does it. so jesus hits the ball and it lands right back in the pond. jesus says- i'll get it. jesus walks over the water and reaches down to grab the ball when the next foursome come over the hill. one of them turns to moses and says- who does that guy think he is jesus christ!? moses shakes his head, "thinks he's arnold palmer".
-------------------- when you see a sacred cow..milk it for all it's worth Posts: 72 | Registered: Dec 2006
| IP: Logged |
An escaped convict breaks into a house, only to find a young couple in bed. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
"If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline."
"I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too." Posts: 634 | From: the Moon........... | Registered: Mar 2007
| IP: Logged |
One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog. When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves. So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.
One week later, she went to get some cat food. Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat. So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.
Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something . She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them. When the cashier did, he said, "It smells like poop!"
The old lady replied, "Can I buy some toilet paper now?"
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Jimmy goes to Hosny and tells him, father I'm afraid when I take over I wont be able to rule it. Hosni: I'll give you a test if you pass it u'll be able to run it. take a basket full of chicks and let them loose on Tahrir Square if you r able to get them all back and put them in the basket you'll do a great job ruling Egypt. Jimmy: Ok dad
Jimmy goes to Tahrir Square with the basket full of chicks, he opens it and let them loose, the chicks are allover the place, once he puts one in the basket it goes free and runs away again.
He goes to Hosny and sais: dad i have failed...I wont be able to run the country. Hosny: don't worry I come an teach you how.
so both of them go to Tahrir Square with a basket full of chicks. Hosny: this is how you do it. Hosny shakes the basket as hard as he can for a few minutes, then he opens the basket and lets them loose. Hosny while grabbing the chicks and putting them in the basket(of course the chicks can't moove): see son this is how you should run the country Posts: 517 | From: snake city | Registered: Apr 2006
| IP: Logged |
What is green and yellow and lies in a pile of cookie crumbs? A beat-up girl scout.
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?" The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
A Saudi being interviewed at the US Embassy for Visa > >COUNSEL: "Your name, please"? >SAUDI : "Salem". >COUNSEL: "Sex?" >SAUDI : "Six times a week" >COUNSEL: "I mean male or female?" >SAUDI : "Both male & female and sometimes even camels". >COUNSEL: "Holy cow!" >SAUDI : "Yes, cows & dogs too". >COUNSEL: "Man, isn't that hostile?" >SAUDI : "Horse Style, dog style,any style! >COUNSEL: "Oh dear!" >SAUDI : " Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
Posts: 327 | From: balad alnour | Registered: Sep 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by NourHayati: A Saudi being interviewed at the US Embassy for Visa > >COUNSEL: "Your name, please"? >SAUDI : "Salem". >COUNSEL: "Sex?" >SAUDI : "Six times a week" >COUNSEL: "I mean male or female?" >SAUDI : "Both male & female and sometimes even camels". >COUNSEL: "Holy cow!" >SAUDI : "Yes, cows & dogs too". >COUNSEL: "Man, isn't that hostile?" >SAUDI : "Horse Style, dog style,any style! >COUNSEL: "Oh dear!" >SAUDI : " Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
This one cant make me stop laugh Posts: 528 | From: Denmark | Registered: Dec 2006
| IP: Logged |
Sag! You're It! Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy 20 Questions Shouted in Your Good Ear Kick the Bucket Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over Doc, Doc, Goose Simon Says Something Incoherent Musical Recliners Spin the Bottle of Mylanta Hide and Go Pee!
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic