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Author Topic: need advice
leia
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i'm in a very stupid situation...and i need some advices
i falled in love of a man wich i thought is the most kind , wonderful, lovable,gental ...and i thought that he olso love me a lot and we made a lot of plans to get married have kids and have a wonderful life together...i thought that i really have find finally the man whit who i want to share my life ...but of course it was an ilusion ...or not ...this is what i want to discuss whit u ...
he just told me that he has a child and he is married whit the child's mother ...but he don't love her and they never stayed togheter,they just got married because of the child and that their marrige is only on paper...
of course i got angry when he told me all this ...because first ... he didn't told me from the start...and i wanted to break up...but he is saying that he love me and want to be whit me,to get married,and don't want to loose me and his excuse for not telling me from the start is cause he loved me too much and he didn't wanted to lose me and that why he didn't told me before.
he is swearing me that it will divorce her now and he didn't do it till now cause he didn't had a reason to ..
of course my first thought is that he is lying me again ... but i can't stop wondering ....what if this time is saying the truth?...and i will lose the chance to be happy whit this man?
i know how stupid it sounds ... but what do u think ....should i stick around?...maeby he is saying the truth and he really love me ....and i really love him ...

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Pink cherry
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Run like hell in the opposite direction........
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Korvin's
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After you shoot him.
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leia
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[Smile]
yeah ...this is what i think too ...but u know ...is not so easy to do it ...

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Desertgirl
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You would probably like to hear some encouraging words but I have the same advice as Pink cherry. [Frown]
He lied to you from the start, he is married, this is not something you just forget to mention.

Just take a step backwards ...
Good luck leia.

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leia
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Tks [Frown]
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Almaz.
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Sure it's easy!

Think of how LUCKY you are to escape a liar.
He lied once, and a BIG lie... he will lie again!

Cut all links. That is how you can forget.
Have a great life, you deserve it! I'm sure.

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Desertgirl
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You are probably very hurt now [Frown] and therefor it is tempting to hold on... but it's like Almaz says ; if you cut all links, don't pick up his phonecalls anymore,... it will be easier to forget all this. After a while you will realize you made the right decision. Good luck again.
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leia
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by the way ...does anyone knows how much time it takes to get a divorce in egypt ...and what are the proceedings...
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akshar
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He will not divorce her, he might pretend but his family and her family will not allow a divorce for his marriage to a foreigner. OK he might show you a piece of paper and say he is divorced but it won't be true.

A divorce is Egypt is a very expensive thing as she will have a rights protected in her contract and her family will ensure she gets them.

The actual proceedings of divorce take no time for a man. He says I divorce you three times and then goes and registers that with mosque and court. No questions asked, done, dusted

--------------------
Jane Akshar UK Co-owner of www.flatsinluxor.co.uk Appartments and Tours in Luxor

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Questionmarks
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So, not mentioning a marriage indeed is considered as lying, see the other topic Would you hide...
To the point; you`re not telling anything about your relationship, how did you meet, how long ago, and how do you communicate? Are you both living in Egypt, in Europe, the States? For what reason he suddenly confessed his marriage?

--------------------
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.”

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Almaz.
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The problem with some women is: they think if they 'lose' a man - even if he is a married one and has a child, and lied about it - it is the end of the world...
Pity! [Frown]

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Pressure makes diamonds
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quote:
Originally posted by Almaz.:
The problem with some women is: they think if they 'lose' a man - even if he is a married one and has a child, and lied about it - it is the end of the world...
Pity! [Frown]

some times life is hard when you are alone you just hold on to any hope even if it was illusion
but we are her friends here even if we are also illusion to help her pass the self denial state
amr

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seabreeze
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Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over? [Big Grin]
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Pressure makes diamonds
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quote:
Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers:
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over? [Big Grin]

probably not as you always will be stuck with windows blue screen aka life
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seabreeze
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quote:
Originally posted by leia:

of course i got angry when he told me all this ...because first ... he didn't told me from the start...and i wanted to break up...but he is saying that he love me and want to be whit me,to get married,and don't want to loose me and his excuse for not telling me from the start is cause he loved me too much and he didn't wanted to lose me and that why he didn't told me before.

How could he have loved you when he first met you? [Confused] He didn't tell you from the beginning because he loved you TOO MUCH? Is he serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS? [Confused] He didn't tell you from the beginning because he assumed you might have some morals about talking to a married guy and he wouldn't be able to get you and your emotions involved with him if you knew he was married. He conviently waited until you started to make plans to marry and then OF COURSE he then had to tell you the truth. He is a liar and why would you want to be 'Mrs. I don't really love her Number 2' ? He would so easily leave his wife and child, are you insane? This world is filled with millions of good men and this is the one you want to take, the one from the bottom of the pond?? We call that Pond Scum.... [Roll Eyes]
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leia
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well ...i said what he said about not telling me....but i know the true ....i'm not in the habit of lying myself...
i have no problem to be whit some one wich is divorced ...in normal conditions...cause if the marriege don't work for a reason or another i belive that u have to divorce , u don't have to destroy your live just because u married the wrong man/woman...and is not like i'm the second choice...
and ....hmmmmm....where are this good men....cause i didn't find not even one...this one was the best i found ...and he turned out to be the biggest jerck of all....so imagine my dilema

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Pressure makes diamonds
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quote:
Originally posted by leia:

and ....hmmmmm....where are this good men....cause i didn't find not even one...this one was the best i found ...and he turned out to be the biggest jerck of all....so imagine my dilema

you will never find him if you keep looking you need to relax enjoy your life love your self do things you like and when the time is right you inshalah will met your soul mates you don't need to pick the best of the bad [Smile] you better then that you just need to stop looking and keep saying not interested [Smile]

amr

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Toobo_el_Allah
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Peace ..

what is so hard about leaving ? respect your self and leave this dude the man did this to his wife he might do the same to you and if he is muslims he lacks morls and that is a bad thing as it is he dose not fear Allah nor respect Allah if he did he would marry you and not cheat as he did..

take care

Salaam

--------------------
إنّ معي ربي سيهدين

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of_gold
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I am not condoning his behavior. I just want to say that I was on a dating site with a message board a couple of years ago. There was a couple that met on that site. He was married but did not tell her. When he finally decided to come clean it hurt her really bad. She backed away from him and insisted he get counseling with his wife. They did but the marriage didn't last. The couple that met on that site are still together. They had to work things out but they are still together.

The reality is that sometimes good people do bad things and sometimes bad people do good things.

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lovingmylife
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You should not stick around not because he did not tell you but because there is another woman and a child involved, so for the sake of child and mother/his wife, you got to let him go.

I am sure there are things you did not tell him either, things that he could of use to leave you up to this point many times already.

In your case, it looks like he either sensed that your reaction would be negative but he liked you so he waited longer and never told you, or your relationship with him was not serious so he thought it will not be needed to tell you since 2 of you will not be together in long term anyway.

Anyways, even if he had good intent, he has a child with another woman, let him go for the sake of a child, that's what I would do.

Actually I had similar situation, and the guy really liked me a lot, but he was scared to tell me the truth and I simply let him go for the sake of the child and his wife. He called me after this for days and I never picked up the phone or called him back. He would leave me message after message explaining his position and trying to get me back. And I did care about him a lot!

It was very hard, but I made right choice. I would not be able really to be happy with him knowing that there is some other woman's heart broken because of me, and especially a child that wasn't even his, but from her previous marriage but still I felt that he is more needed to her than to me, the child knows only him and has no other father, and I sacrifized basically for good cause.

After he saw that I will not answer, he stopped calling me. I also never told anyone in order for her to find out, and I could of. I just did not want to ruin further their already fragmented union. I think he then moved with her to another state and we had never seen each other since.

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Questionmarks
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Can I ask you something: How do you think about the man right now, after closing this down?
I think you`ve made the right decision, but wasn't it something that he had to decide also, for the sake of his wife and child? He didn't, he even tried to get you back. How do you think about that now?

--------------------
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.”

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lovingmylife
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I don't think about him at all, this was 5-6 years ago at least. Just the thought there is another woman with a child heart broken and left was very painful to me, so I could not. I knew that if I do differently, sooner or later, I would feel guilty and responsible and I would probably ruin whatever I had with him simply because of guilt.

I wasn't angry at him, I knew he would of tell me the truth if he knew I would accept it. He knew I would not accept it, so he kept it for as long as he could.

He tried to get me back because he liked me, he would probably divorce her for me but I did not want to be reason for that, I told him he must go back for the sake of child and he must stay no matter what. So he did.

I had another friend also who fell in love and asked me to marry him, he would divorce his wife and 3 kids, and I said - no. After 10 years, they are still together unhappily married, children are grown now. He was helping me to move some furniture recently, and he told me again that his feelings about me did not change despite all those years that passed by, and isn't it time now... I broke many men's hearts my dear....

What do I Think about such men? Nothing really, I think it's hard for a man I know not to like me so once they are around me they eventually fell in love, maybe they did not have this intentions but it happens so I largely feel responsible, even if I did not want that to happen.

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Mazey
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I must also agree that you need to leave him. He said he never had a reason to get a divorced before, until he met you. That I can't understand, was he truly not happy before meeting you? He needs to get his life in order before making such a big commitment to someone else. People make mistakes, it seems he made a life changing one, that doesn't mean you have to be the solution.
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leia
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First i have to tell u that i didn't decided yet what i will do ...but i think i should give u more informations about this ....
...our relation was serious from the start, we planed to be together and get married as soon as posible but i can't just do this cause i have a job, a family and so one ...so that why i said that we will get married and i will move whit him as soon as i can.
...he knew very well what i think about married men and having a relation whit a married man....so he knew that if he will tell me that he is married i will leave him no matter what ...so that why he was trying many times to tell me the situation ( and please belive me that he tried ) but everytime he stoped, he just couldn't tell me ...
...and let me tell u about his so called marrige ...he said that he had a relation 7 years ago whit this woman and even if it is against his belives, she ' tricked ' him and they were together once , and she got pregnant and they didn't been together since than ....he told her that was a mistake ,that he don't want to be whit her or to get married but she decided to keep the baby...so in the end he married her and gave his name to the child ...
But they don't live together ...not even in the same house ..the child is staying whit the mother and stay whit him or his parents only in weekends...
....so i don't see what is to fix here ...they didn't fixed before..in 7 years ...i don't see how can they fix it now...
...and by the way we love each other very much ...we had some great moments together...i wasn't so happy never in my life and he olso ...he is telling me all the time that he want 2 be whit me forever and so one ...so i suppose is a big diference between LOVE EACH OTHER and LIKE EACH OTHER ...
...and i look good, but i can't say i'm the fatal woman which breake married men hearts...this is the first time when a " married " man is falling in love whit me...cause i don't allow married men to fall in love whit me ...and people don't fall in love just because u are pretty or u have a nice smile ...not grown people anyway ...so please let be serious ...and i respect marriages especially when there are kids involved ... and i don't interfere ...
...and yes it is true ...he lied to me , i lost trust in him and i will never forgive him for hidding me this ...but like someone here said ...we make mistakes ...and i don't think i'm prepare to refuse so easy what can be ...maybe... the only chance of beeing happy in my life...we are great together and we love eachother very much he is the man i allways wanted ...so please excuse me if i'm not prepared to give him up so easy for an nonexisting marriege and for the children wich allready is seeing him once a month and i won't take him from his child ...per contra i'm prepared to raise his childer like my one...

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of_gold
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leia,

Follow your heart. Your heart knows more than your head and you are the only one who can feel what it is feeling. Trust Yourself.

--------------------
"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton)
Leap and the Net will Appear.

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Mazey
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Hi Leia,

Sorry I'm a bit confused, you said he doesn't live with his wife and child, then why isn't he divorced already? What stopped him from divorcing her?

Honestly, I don't think I could be with a man that held such a secret from me, but that's just me. I have an easy time forgiving, but not forgetting. If you really love eachother, I'm sure you'll work it out.

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leia
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i usually don't forgive or forget when someone is lying to me with something so important ...this is one of the reasons it is so hard for me to pass this ..

and about not getting a divorce till now ...i suppose he just had indulged in this situation and olso in the marriage papers they have a condition like - he have to pay her a big amount of money if he is divorcing her ...so if he hadn't a serious reason to divorce her ...he didn't

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leia
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tks of_gold for the good words ....i know that this are the words i want 2 hear ....and really hope my heart is not fooled cause i admit she is managing the situation...
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Mazey
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Good luck with your decision, I know it is a hard one. You mentioned you had made plans to marry etc, I would take some time to really think this over.

To me marriage should be for life and should start with true love not out of responsibility.

Some just learn the lesson the hard way.

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leia
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Tks...i hope i will take the right decision cause i totally agree whit u ...
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Almaz.
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quote:
Originally posted by leia:
Tks...i hope i will take the right decision cause i totally agree whit u ...

How do you know he is telling you the truth?
Do you know his wife?
Did you hear her side of the story?

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citizen
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^^ Exactly. He lied once (at least)... he may be lying again. A shotgun wedding (due to woman being pregnant before marriage) is extremely unusual in Egypt.
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Penny
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If he is not lying and everything is as he says then its simple. Ask to meet his child and his family. If he has nothing to hide and is separated from his wife what's the problem?, if you can get over and forgive his lie for the reasons you have stated.

If you really love him so much and are convinced his fist marriage is over there is nothing to stop you becoming his second wife. He does not need to divorce his first wife for this. Its up to her then if she divorces him or not.

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gr8at2d
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People have made dumber decisions that turned out great and smarter decisions that turned out aweful.

My advise is make your decision and then jump in with both feet. If you leave him really leave him and if you forgive him really forgive him.

Also, he does not have to divorce her to marry you but if its important to you that he does divorce her then offer to pay whatever he owes her upon divorce and see if that motivates him to act on it.

Of course I can honestly say I have never been in this situation so I don't know what I would do. Its sooo easy to tell other people what they should do.

--------------------
Tude

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newcomer
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quote:
Originally posted by gr8at2d:
Also, he does not have to divorce her to marry you but if its important to you that he does divorce her then offer to pay whatever he owes her upon divorce and see if that motivates him to act on it.

The last thing leia should ever do is to offer to give him the money to get him out of that marriage. He got into it and its his responsibility to get out of it.
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leia
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For the moment i don't have the possibility to hear her side of the story ...but i will hear it someday...soon i hope
I admit that this thing whit the shotgun wedding it dosen't sound too good to me neither ...but a woman is a woman ...even if she is from egypt ...there are some women wich are capable to do anything to catche someone in the net...and getting pregnant works all most every time ...especially in a country like egypt ...don't u think?
Anyway her side don't seem to be so bad ...i mean ...she have a beutiful child and a the man she want ...ok i agree on paper...and because of the child i suppose he suport her too ...and beside that they have a condition in their marriage contract and she is getting a big amount of money if he will ask for a divorce ...so i can't help asking ...if she was such a victim and she loved him so much....how come she was thinking to ask this big amount of money???

Anyway i told my boy friend that i will do my best to come in egypt soon...and he is very ok whit this cause he was telling me that i can come when ever i want ..this was telling me from the start ... he allready started to make plans ...so i suppose i will see there what is the real situation...

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quote:
Originally posted by leia:

and beside that they have a condition in their marriage contract and she is getting a big amount of money if he will ask for a divorce...if she was such a victim and she loved him so much....how come she was thinking to ask this big amount of money???

It's traditional, nearly all the women ask for this here, it's part of the marriage contract. It's sort of in place of alimony in case the man does decide to divorce his wife and run off with someone else. It also acts as a deterrent to stop hi walking out at the first sign of trouble.

And don't forget, he would have had to agree to that before he could marry her, so he either thought that he would never want to divorce her or that he could afford to do so if he wanted to.

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leia
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Yeah ...i will never give him money to get out from this ...he got himself into this so he will have to solve it ...
But anyway he said that he will pay her what she wants

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leia
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quote:
Originally posted by gr8at2d:
Also, he does not have to divorce her to marry you

Can u explanin to me this please ....cause i really don't know much about this egyptians wedding ...orfi or what else can it be....
I am verry curiouse and i don't want to find myself involved in a marriage whit one man and many other women ....cause from my point of view this is not marriage ....
He said he don't want this neither ..but i just what to know more about this ....can u inform me please

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Chootie
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Leia,
How did you meet this man? Face to Face while traveling in Egypt? Internet? In what city does he work? What is his work?
What is your nationality? Check your government websites about fraudualant marriages with Egyptian men. There are tons of information about Egypt culture and traditions available on the internet. Please search for them. How did you hear about orfi marriage?
The whole situation smells bad if you want my opinion. Believe it or not there are plenty of good men in the world. Yes, some are thousands of miles away in foreign countries but beware. Don't be in hurry.
He hid a huge part of his life from you. That is not just a little white lie. That is a big, black ugly lie. Why would you settle for a liar?
What would you say to your friend if she told you a similar story?

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leia
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Tks Chootie for the wake up call [Frown]
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mysticheart
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Only you can know what is right for you leia. His story maybe true, it might not. You need to go and find out for yourself. Considering what was hidden i dont know that i could stay in the relation but we dont know the man. Have you met him in person? Forgive me if you have stated this but i at the moment cant remember. Are you prepared to deal with his wife? If he divorces her then she will still be in his life due to the child, that can cause problems. He doesnt have to divorce her to marry you IF he is muslim, but he does have to be able to support you both equally.Also it is common practice for a huge amount of money to be required upon divorce in Egypt, it helps to ensure that there wont be a divorce and that she will be well provided for if there should be a divorce. I wish you all the best leia. Trust your instincts even if they tell you something different than what you want to hear.
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Rumicrazieluv
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quote:
Originally posted by mysticheart:
Only you can know what is right for you leia. His story maybe true, it might not. You need to go and find out for yourself. Considering what was hidden i dont know that i could stay in the relation but we dont know the man. Have you met him in person? Forgive me if you have stated this but i at the moment cant remember. Are you prepared to deal with his wife? If he divorces her then she will still be in his life due to the child, that can cause problems. He doesnt have to divorce her to marry you IF he is muslim, but he does have to be able to support you both equally.Also it is common practice for a huge amount of money to be required upon divorce in Egypt, it helps to ensure that there wont be a divorce and that she will be well provided for if there should be a divorce. I wish you all the best leia. Trust your instincts even if they tell you something different than what you want to hear.

Lousy advice, mystic. Im sure you wouldnt be saying it if this was your husband she was talking about. Encouraging a woman to destroy a family isnt right and I cannot believe you just wrote that. Is jet lag gotten to you that much mystic?? You were just crying your eyes out for your husband, what about directing some of your natural "kindness" in the direction it should be-towards this mans family who are innocents. Leia, my advice to you is this- cry your eyes out for being made a fool of, for this was out of your control, kick this man to the curb and get on with your life. Now you know about her, you should have the self respect and self esteem inside of you to move on to the next man, otherwise you are just as guilty as he and remember in this world 'what goes around comes around' really is the law of the land. Karma is Karma....
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Questionmarks
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The man is married and has a child.
The man is married for 7 years in a loveless marriage (as he said) and he never devorced because of that big amount of money what`s in the marriage-contract. Right now suddenly it doesn't seem to be a problem to pay that money to devorce, and he wants it as soon as possible.

Why?
Does he have this amount of money?

Does he have a good job, because he shall have to pay for his wife and child untill the kid is 12.

He lied to you about being married.
I think he lied to you about his reason of marriage, pregnancy, because as far as I know this is not usual in Egypt. ( BTW For what I heard any decent man never should marry a woman where he had sex with, before marriage.)
Besides that, also as far as I know, women who get pregnant without being married, get married, get an abortion, and devorce after that. Then she will be an allowed second class woman.Not a virgin anymore, but devorced, so her way is open to the rest of her life.
Correct me if I`m wrong, Egyptians!

You are not married, and you never have been involved with married man, because it is against your principles.You`re putting your own priciples aside for this man, and on long term this will going to work against you.

I dont expect this man is reliable...specially not because of his lies, his hurry to marry you, and his wish to get you there.

Be very carefull, if you go there! Don`t sign anything you cannot understand, and dont stay with him without being married. Meet his family, and make that you understand the FULL COMPLETE SITUATION before agree in a marriage.

Ask him to pay your ticket, and ask him how he wants to support you, his so called ex and his child.Dont pay anything, and dont do anything an Egyptian woman wouldnt do. Lets see how his reaction will be.

--------------------
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.”

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leia
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Very good advices u gave me all...even if we don't know each other i feel that u are so close to me and i'm feeling great that i have whit who to talk about it ...i learned a lot from u and i'm verry happy i joined this forum it's a pitty i didn't do that sooner...

Anyway I will go to Egypt when i will can and i will try to find out exactly what is it about, and until than i don't know what i will do...but what i can tell u for sure is that i won't hurry to do anything ...don't get me wrong i love this man so much that sometimes when i hear him speaking , or when i see him or every morning when he send me the good morning mesage i just feel like crying cause i still can't belive it that he could hide this from me ...
and the fact that i allways thinking maeby he have some hidding thoughts or maeby he wants to do something bad to me or i don't know ...what ever stupid things are coming to my mind ...thoughts i didn't had before ...this thoughts are hurting me more cause i love him so much and i really don't think he is a bad man he is so great ...but u never know ...

Anyway i know that what 'what goes around comes around'.... but if things are like he is saying ...i will have no problem to be whit him cause is not like i breaked his marriage ...it wasn't ever a marriage, so i don't see what is to break...maeby many are not agree whit me ...but for me a marrige is more that a piece of paper ... and yes the child counts a lot for me ....but in their case the child is seeing him when he is in egypt ...so what i will change ?...i can say that it will be better for the child cause will be loved and spoiled by 2 mums...i a good person,i will take very much care of him cause he is inocent and don't have any blame in this ...their are gulty and especially their mum ...cause she permitted this to happen, she was not thinking at the her child when she did that ...so excuse me if i don't think that is my fault ....

But if things are not like he is saying ...and if he is just bored of his marriage and want to get out ...or if is looking to renew his wife list ...or what ever ...i won't have no regrets and i won't hezitate not even for a second to leave him no matter how much i love him or how much he said he love me ...if he is lying about all this then he is really a lousy human being and don't deserve anything ...so i realy really hope that this is not like that...

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quote:
Originally posted by leia:
but for me a marrige is more that a piece of paper ... and yes the child counts a lot for me ....but in their case the child is seeing him when he is in egypt ...so what i will change ?...i can say that it will be better for the child cause will be loved and spoiled by 2 mums...i a good person,i will take very much care of him cause he is inocent and don't have any blame in this ...their are gulty and especially their mum ...cause she permitted this to happen, she was not thinking at the her child when she did that ...so excuse me if i don't think that is my fault ....

Please stop dreaming about happy families and being a second mother to his child. If he does divorce his wife and marry you, he is likely to have difficulty ever seeing the child and the mother will be very unlikely to let you get involved with her child. Egyptian mothers are usually very jealously protective of their children, and for good reason too.
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Almaz.
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Most Egyptian mothers, will fight passionately just not to let a 'stranger' touch their child!
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Questionmarks
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quote:
Originally posted by Almaz.:
Most Egyptian mothers, will fight passionately just not to let a 'stranger' touch their child!

Is that so? I never expierenced any trouble with that.
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the moment i found out what's-his-face was married, I bailed...i later found out that not only did he have two kids to an egyptian woman, but TWO - yes TWO orfi marriages...one to a french woman and another to a swiss woman...some of these guys are sick...they want money, sex, visas...a combination of the three...whatever...within 3 days of knowing me, he brought up orfi marriage...

they will say and do ANYTHING to get you to believe they "love" you and that their marriages are loveless and passionless...for crying out loud, a lot of these marriages are arranged by the families in just a few month's or even week's time...how CAN they be happy??? how can they have passion when many of the women have had their genitals mutilated taking away the wonderful sensation of great sex!?!?!?

why is it we always want to believe the best in people??? isn't it OK to be cynical once in a while...to NOT see the silver lining and to NOT make excuses for other people's indecent behaviors???

now i'm married to a great guy...we dated for several months before he brought up the orfi marriage and then another year before we tied the knot officially at the ministry of justice...our third date was the first night of Ramadan a few years ago...he took me to his family's home for iftar - i felt so honored he would include me in this most joyous occasion...and for many nights during Ramadan we had iftar with his family... that is a decent man. not one who hides his marriage and his child.

good luck

Posts: 422 | From: American living in Maadi, visiting in the States for awhile | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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