thanks for your help guys, u have all been superb.
i have another query (which is causing me a problem).
I am due to get engaged in the summer inshallah, but it may stall as i dont agree on some the arrangement, erm, maybe dont agree is the wrong thing to say, i may mean dont understand.
the issue that my future fiancee's family side want me to buy an apartment in egypt although my future finacee will be based here in london.
what i dont understand is why they want me to do such a thing and they also gave me another option which was to open a bank account her name and leave money in there.
now i dont what to think, i know what my mother and the rest of my family think and its not too good, i do love this girl, but i dont understand why they demand such things.
isnt marriage and love about two people being in love and creating a future together rather than the future being built already?
i am very confused and i know that i have put a defensive barrier around me as i get annoyed because no one can give me a 'valid' answer.
please guys help!!
Posts: 51 | From: London | Registered: May 2005
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posted
There are many explanations and possibilities:
- Maybe her family is very traditional Egyptian family that follows strictly tradition, norms and rules of society so they don't want to be different from anyone else ( in their circle of friends, relatives, city, Egyptian traditions live in London too ).
- Safety reasons, protection issues: They feel more happy if their daughter is more "secure".
- You made a false impression to your fiancee and their parents that you have a lots of money, or enough resources to PROVIDE for her whatever she wants. They went with flow.
- They really don't like you so they are looking for reasons to reject you politely with an argument: 'you are not ready to get married, financially you are unstable therefore marriage is on hold until you solve this issue'.
- they want their daughter to be married certain way and if you can afford it but you act cheap, or disagree, and question their wishes, they may interpret that as lack of love for their daughter. You know how many people say: "if a man is cheap financially he is cheap emotionally" ( assuming he can afford it )
- Religious beliefs, if you are religious it may influence your role and responsibility in their eyes. You can't accept what you like and reject what you don't like.
- If it is not religious influence, it is CULTURAL influence, everyone is doing it so you got to do it too. Society pressure that is used in good and bad way to punish and/or reward good behavior and bad behavior. Double standards are present everywhere.
- You were demending throughout relationship with daughter, so now it's their turn to demend from you, what are you giving in return.
- Love has nothing to do with legal aspects of marriage contract.
- If I can think of anything else, I will let you know. I hope it helps. Good luck!
Posts: 989 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
They predict that this marriage is not written in heaven and it will fail some time in the future ..So when and if it fails they want their daughter to have an apartment that makes her marriable again ( stupid social image of the divorced women) and money that makes her if she did not get married ..will not need man's support.... Simply.. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN ..
posted
a london flat will cost you at least 10x as much as a comparable cairo flat. why on earth are you objecting?
perhaps it's simply a matter of investing in where you two will permanently settle and start a family, and your fiance's family is assuming you will both eventually return to egypt. in which case, it would make sense to invest in the city where you will live long-term.
Posts: 2182 | Registered: Oct 2002
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posted
From the request for the apartment or for a bank account to be put in her name it sounds similar to a dowry,, A sum of money to be put aside for the wife should the marriage not work out. They are looking for her best interest so that if the marriage should fail she will have an apartment to come home to or that she will have some money to start rebuilding her life with. Are you both Muslim? Cause i thought that the dowry was standard in this.. the money always set aside for the wife in case the marriage did not work out.
quote:Originally posted by mysticheart: Are you both Muslim? Cause i thought that the dowry was standard in this.. the money always set aside for the wife in case the marriage did not work out.
A dowry should be a reasonable amount of money that a man can afford to pay...he should not have to go into debt to pay it. The idea of giving a wife an apartment/money in case a marriage doesn't work out is not an Islamic idea, but a cultural one. In Islam, if a marriage doesn't work out, the responsibility for supporting a woman goes back to her father or the male members of her family.
It is legitimate to ask for a deferred dowry, but this in fact is not an amount of money to be paid on death or divorce, it is in fact a debt that the husband owes the wife as soon as the marriage has been consummated, with the latest time the debt must be paid being on death or divorce.
Sadly this culture of parents insisting on grooms providing fully equipped apartments, of the standard they want their daughters to live in, as part of the marriage agreement is what has caused most Arab men to be unable to get married until they reach their 30s, and they are expected to stay celibate until that time! I hear that many families are now realising that they have to reduce their demands if they want their daughters to get married, but many have not changed and this is what ends most marriage proposals.
Posts: 4576 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2002
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posted
Whats wrong with Egyptian parents??? Goodness, in this day and age, why do people put unreasonable expectations on prospective spouses.....its no wonder that more and more women in Egypt are becoming spinsters, the cases of zina are increasing, and men are getting married late in life. The parents of your fiance are being very unreasonable....if u are offering her a mahr, then that is sufficient....she doesnt need to have her own apartment in Cairo and a bank account. That is ridiculous. Maybe you should call their bluff and say No. My brother did the same....his fiances family wanted an apartment and money in bank....when he was going to live with her in Australia. He put his foot down, and they are happily married here in Melb....no apartment or bank account, just the normal reasonable mahr.
Jeez, why are people so greedy?? The one thing I hate about Egypt is this pretentious need to maintain a class level above and beyond ones financial means....just to win the approval of the people. Its so wrong, and fake!!
Sorry for the vent!
Posts: 44 | From: Melbourne | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
Well yuyuandmarmar you got the words out of my mouth you're 100000% right the famous quote " e7na beneshtery ragel " has gone obsolete now or perhaps it's an old fashion thing...as for the egyptian prince i guess you should compromise with your fiancee's family and for god's sake money isn't everything,it comes last actually i wonder how poor people get married then ? above that they live happily and go on just like anybody else..you get money,money doesn't get you
Posts: 10 | From: Cairo,Egypt | Registered: Jan 2006
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quote:Originally posted by egyptian_prince: hi guys it me again, egyptian_prince.
thanks for your help guys, u have all been superb.
i have another query (which is causing me a problem).
I am due to get engaged in the summer inshallah, but it may stall as i dont agree on some the arrangement, erm, maybe dont agree is the wrong thing to say, i may mean dont understand.
the issue that my future fiancee's family side want me to buy an apartment in egypt although my future finacee will be based here in london.
what i dont understand is why they want me to do such a thing and they also gave me another option which was to open a bank account her name and leave money in there.
now i dont what to think, i know what my mother and the rest of my family think and its not too good, i do love this girl, but i dont understand why they demand such things.
isnt marriage and love about two people being in love and creating a future together rather than the future being built already?
i am very confused and i know that i have put a defensive barrier around me as i get annoyed because no one can give me a 'valid' answer.
please guys help!!
Islam teaches us that the best Dowry is the one the man can easily afford...unfortunately too many women forget this (their families too). If you cannot easily afford this luxury state it honestly and remember Allah is more wise. Salaam
Posts: 1074 | From: Menufia, Egypt | Registered: Oct 2005
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