posted
I would be interested in your opinion on this. Do you think its possible?
Do you think they get jealous of the love you have for your child, that isn't theirs?
Do you think they see it as someone to compete with, particularly if its a boy?
I know there are families where the new husband cannot accepts the children or child from a previous relationship and so the child goes and lives with gradparents, i have heard this alot. Could you do this?
I think even when a man THINKS he can accept a child that isn't his, a couple of years down the line he may have started to resent him.
With so many reconstituted families, there must be alot of this going on.
Personally I cant do it, I would have to be alone for 18 years before I lived with someone who didn't love my child. Maybe thats an unrealistic expectation, but I cant settle for less, my heart would be split in two constantly.
Posts: 918 | From: Earth | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
I'm sure there are men out there who can love a child who isn't his own. Absolutely. Will all of them? No.
I think the age of the children has something to do with it, too. It's hard. Kids act up at different ages in different ways. Discipline becomes an issue. There's always the worry that the child won't respect the step-parent as an adult authority figure. There's always the worry the two parents won't agree on how to discipline the child. And I'm sure it's even more difficult if both parents have brought children to the mix (Brady Bunch). There might often be accusations of favoring one's own children over the other's.
I'm a step-parent myself, and it hasn't always been easy. But my situation is a piece of cake compared to blended families living together. I only see my step-kids on weekends, so it's always more of a play date. But I take it very seriously and try really hard to co-parent with respect and love.
I would never, ever, give up my child for a man. I would never put a man's interests ahead of my child's either. A man might want you, but a child needs you.
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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I am wondering though, even if the child is accepting the discipline, and not answering back, telling the step dad they love them...can still not be enough? Posts: 918 | From: Earth | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
Does that mean all adopted kids are not loved since they are not really *his or hers* ? How about foster kids?
A well cultured man who loves you WILL love your kids for two reasons ...1- they are kids 2- they are yours.
Or you can stay single and miserable and bring misery to your kids who one day will leave for their own life and you will be left ALONE....
It is all in finding the right person who you can trust to raise your kids together.
Posts: 47 | From: Somewhere over the rainbow | Registered: Mar 2008
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I dont think being single = being miserable BH, And when you are left alone when you are oldre you can always find someone then.
You are right, people do adopt and foster, but they are not one persons child, so that is a joint decision, perhaps its the fact that the child belongs more to one than the other that causes resentment for a lot of people?
What if the man says he does love you, but doesnt seem to like your child, do the two go hand in hand, love me love my child, I mean, they SHOULD, but do they in reality?
Posts: 918 | From: Earth | Registered: Jan 2008
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It has zero to do with the man being 'well cultured.' It has to do with the man's capacity to accept them and to love them. The ones that do love their step-children are the ones that love children and really love their spouse...because they know that this is the way to move forward in the relationship.
Posts: 246 | From: but one life to live | Registered: Jun 2008
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posted
Every one has a package and if he really loves you, he will diffinatly love your kids or at least be civil to them. It is a joint decision in the matter of should we be together knowing that we have our own packages. Any normal person in any stage of life needs a companion and kids though you will love them unconditionally they can not be your companion. Kids now have a very busy schedule between social life and school and a single parent needs support, passion, joy and companion.
Posts: 47 | From: Somewhere over the rainbow | Registered: Mar 2008
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posted
You got to tell him that . I; myself would not accept civil either if I were you.
a well cultured person will know that kids will do what kids do because they do not know any better and he must love them unconditionally and if he can not accept that responsibility ...HE IS NOT THE RIGHT ONE.
Posts: 47 | From: Somewhere over the rainbow | Registered: Mar 2008
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yes, i think you are right there. People must find themselves in this position and then have kids together, and then what happens to the first child, I find that so sad.
I've always said i would foster or adopt and i dont think that single parents, with a good social network make bad parents, in a way you have more time to commit to things, because you dont have a husband competing for attention. But then I guess the right one wouldnt..lol
Posts: 918 | From: Earth | Registered: Jan 2008
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quote:Originally posted by Event Horizon: I would never, ever, give up my child for a man. I would never put a man's interests ahead of my child's either. A man might want you, but a child needs you.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Event Horizon: I would never, ever, give up my child for a man. I would never put a man's interests ahead of my child's either. A man might want you, but a child needs you.
your man gave up his child to see only on weekends to marry you is he a bad man then?
Posts: 13 | From: fruit bowl of life | Registered: Jul 2008
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quote:Originally posted by Event Horizon: I would never, ever, give up my child for a man. I would never put a man's interests ahead of my child's either. A man might want you, but a child needs you.
your man gave up his child to see only on weekends to marry you is he a bad man then?
Who are you talking to? Because this doesn't refer to me.
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
My eldest brother isn't my dads. My dad didn't come into his life until he was 5, (me and my brother came about four years after). There has never been any problems, never. I have never seen any unfair behaviour, and my brother (who I love as much as my other one) calls him dad, and means it. It really hasn’t been an issue. However, my brother's "real dad" (it feel weird even thinking of him having another dad) wasn't in the picture, has zero contact, never has, so my dad never had the reminder that Rick wasn't his. So there was no conflicting roles between him and another man- that probably made it easier to just naturally put himself in the father position.
-------------------- Another one.... Posts: 2573 | From: England | Registered: Jun 2008
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posted
Being birth parents to the same child "from scratch" can sometimes be difficult, trying to get your concepts of parenting on the same page. So being a step-parent is an even more delicate thing, I think, trying to strike the right balance in love and friendship with the child/ren, as well as learning how to parent together with the birth parent. Not having as close a bond initially as the birth parent does with his/her children, is often difficult to deal with. You can feel like an outsider to some extent, at least I have.
In the best circumstances, it adds another loving adult to the children's lives. In the worst? Oh, that can be awful. Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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The ones that do love their step-children are the ones that love children and really love their spouse ...because they know that this is the way to move forward in the relationship.
Totally agree here,,When someone claim to love someone else then how on earth s/he can separates his/her lover's child/ren from this love,,Logically the child of someone you love is a PART from him/her,,And 'part' here for me mean the same genes,blood,flesh,bones,and soul of the spouse,,So how can someone love someone but put his/her lover's child aside from that love!!!!!!!
From another side,,How on earth a human being could ask father/mother to throw their child/ren anywhere for any reason,,We couldnt do that with the animals,,The cat could RIP anyone apart if he tried to touch her babies!!!
I could be less experiened about that issue,,But I believe that s/he who love someone then they MUST love the sweethearts of those who they love or otherwise I wouldnt call that love at all,,It could be anything else,,Maybe something sweet the person would like it to be around to comfort him/her but its not love because there is no efforts to make his/her spouse happy through making their sweethearts happy.
And lets say the child misbehaved and etc..Well,,thats normal,,its a CHILD who suppose to act as a child while the step-parent is the ADULT who suppose to act like one,,Means hard efforts to win the child's feelings for the sake of his/her loved spouse,,Means dealing gently with the matter with no pains or leave in peace,,Because I could split up with my spouse whom my child hate but certainly I cannot leave my child whatever this child acted.
But if the child acted childish as well as the adult acted childish also,,Then s/he is not an adult but another child,,So it means the person got a child and get married from another child and the 2 children dont like each other,,That would lead to great mess IMO,,And the danger in it that there is a side who is technically adult but s/he doesnt realize that,,S/he is just another child who fighting for their toys as any other child,,Nothing more and nothing less.
Posts: 712 | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
Well with knowing egyptians are extremely jealous that doesn't end with the children either. I know my husband resents my daughter still living in the house and wishes she were not here. It is always all about them you know. My step-son is a little prince he thinks always but my daughter is a devil. His son takes up so much time and energy but the little time my daughter takes from me is a big deal. He even locks her out of the bedroom every night so she cannot come in and talk to me. I put a stop to that real quick!
Posts: 1369 | From: California | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
If my dad didn't accept my oldest brother, my mum NEVER would have stayed with him. How damaging must it be to a child if the person they see as a father, plays favourites with his "blood" children? And the most important thing in a mother’s life should always be her children, they should come first in everything. And if anyone is willing to mess up their child’s psychological health, just so they can be with the man they want, then they are not deserving of that child. But like I said, my family is proof a man can love a child that is not (in theory) his own. Love and nurture makes the father, much more than who the sperm came from. - Also, my dad sees himself very much a granddad to my eldest brothers children. It has just never been an issue, or even really thought about much.
-------------------- Another one.... Posts: 2573 | From: England | Registered: Jun 2008
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quote:Originally posted by Event Horizon: I would never, ever, give up my child for a man. I would never put a man's interests ahead of my child's either. A man might want you, but a child needs you.
your man gave up his child to see only on weekends to marry you is he a bad man then?
Who are you talking to? Because this doesn't refer to me.
" I only see my step-kids on weekends, "
your husband live with you or not? he live with wife or not? if he live with you and see his kids weekend then he must be a bad father because he gave up his kids for you, got the point? well according to what you think, or it is different for men then?
Posts: 13 | From: fruit bowl of life | Registered: Jul 2008
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quote:Originally posted by Event Horizon: I would never, ever, give up my child for a man. I would never put a man's interests ahead of my child's either. A man might want you, but a child needs you.
your man gave up his child to see only on weekends to marry you is he a bad man then?
Who are you talking to? Because this doesn't refer to me.
" I only see my step-kids on weekends, "
your husband live with you or not? he live with wife or not? if he live with you and see his kids weekend then he must be a bad father because he gave up his kids for you, got the point? well according to what you think, or it is different for men then?
STUPID GRAPE! YOU MUST HAVE HAIR ON THE BRAIN! Haven't you ever heard of a woman meeting a divorced man who has joint custody of his kids and weekend visitation rights imposed by a court? Most divorced men don't give up seeing their kids more often because they want to. They are often forced to because of the whims of a judge.
Try to have a more open mind to the realities of the world!
Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2008
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quote:Originally posted by Event Horizon: I would never, ever, give up my child for a man. I would never put a man's interests ahead of my child's either. A man might want you, but a child needs you.
your man gave up his child to see only on weekends to marry you is he a bad man then?
Who are you talking to? Because this doesn't refer to me.
" I only see my step-kids on weekends, "
your husband live with you or not? he live with wife or not? if he live with you and see his kids weekend then he must be a bad father because he gave up his kids for you, got the point? well according to what you think, or it is different for men then?
Its not just the whim of the judge its society.
Besides if the dad has custody it slows down his ability to hookup with women. The dad cannot go back to the free-loving bachelor lifestyle.
A mom having primary custody means the opposite, in addition to being constantly scrutinized as a parent under threat @ all times. Plus her career choices are marginalizes, the mom has to make all the schedule adjustments, personal time sacrifices. If an ex-husband plays his cards right he can bully her, cut her off from family and friends and being let go (fired) from her place of employment for not being able to have the ex keep his promises in regards to when who has the kids.........
Yup, take gender out of the equation and the facts become much more apparent.
Posts: 1455 | From: debtville | Registered: Dec 2007
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posted
I have one older son (adopted) who was 15 when I met the Mister. He is now 18 and I have a new 1 year old baby. We all live in the same house, and seriously the competition between husband and son exhausts me. They do not have a relationship and they communicate by bitching about the other one to me. ITs a dick measurign contest ALWAYS. One won't wash a dish because the other one won't.. one won't clean up in the bathroom because the other one doesn't. So guess who ends up doing everything? And I bitch about it mightily, and the response each gives is that the other one should move out. The son says that HE should be the king of the house, and the Mister says that HE should be the king of the house.. I am ready to move out and leave the two of them to duke it out except I love them both to death, and separately they are lovely men to me. Plus.. at 18 Big Boy is on the edge of standing on his own 2 feet as it is. We just don't have that "family" dynamic that you prostelize about. We haven't had the easiest time in our marriage, and the big boy has witnessed all of it.. and at his age he doesn't get the concept of compromise and forgiveness. But.. it isn't a question of choosing a husband or a son, it's a question of choosing myself.
Push came to shove I'd throw them both off the boat. Because they both know how to swim, and love doesn't demand choices like that. (unless you are named Abraham)
Posts: 1071 | Registered: Aug 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Cosmogirl: I have one older son (adopted) who was 15 when I met the Mister. He is now 18 and I have a new 1 year old baby. We all live in the same house, and seriously the competition between husband and son exhausts me. They do not have a relationship and they communicate by bitching about the other one to me. ITs a dick measurign contest ALWAYS. One won't wash a dish because the other one won't.. one won't clean up in the bathroom because the other one doesn't. So guess who ends up doing everything? And I bitch about it mightily, and the response each gives is that the other one should move out. The son says that HE should be the king of the house, and the Mister says that HE should be the king of the house.. I am ready to move out and leave the two of them to duke it out except I love them both to death, and separately they are lovely men to me. Plus.. at 18 Big Boy is on the edge of standing on his own 2 feet as it is. We just don't have that "family" dynamic that you prostelize about. We haven't had the easiest time in our marriage, and the big boy has witnessed all of it.. and at his age he doesn't get the concept of compromise and forgiveness. But.. it isn't a question of choosing a husband or a son, it's a question of choosing myself.
Push came to shove I'd throw them both off the boat. Because they both know how to swim, and love doesn't demand choices like that. (unless you are named Abraham)
Look at the other side of the coin:
Egyptian man gets remarried to an Egyptian woman with a daughter from a previous marriage.
There is no way in hell an Egyptian woman would ever put up with a pale complexion girl child with blue eyes and perfectly straight silky hair. In addition to the fact the girl is a complete domineering brat (thanks to grandma) put that in the same pan with a 'virgin' well dowried bride.
It won't work out.
Just can't wait for King Kong to get remarried!
Posts: 1455 | From: debtville | Registered: Dec 2007
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quote:Originally posted by hairy grape has brain size of grape:
quote:Originally posted by hairy grape:
quote:Originally posted by Event Horizon:
quote:Originally posted by hairy grape:
quote:Originally posted by Tigerlily:
quote:Originally posted by Event Horizon: I would never, ever, give up my child for a man. I would never put a man's interests ahead of my child's either. A man might want you, but a child needs you.
your man gave up his child to see only on weekends to marry you is he a bad man then?
Who are you talking to? Because this doesn't refer to me.
" I only see my step-kids on weekends, "
your husband live with you or not? he live with wife or not? if he live with you and see his kids weekend then he must be a bad father because he gave up his kids for you, got the point? well according to what you think, or it is different for men then?
STUPID GRAPE! YOU MUST HAVE HAIR ON THE BRAIN! Haven't you ever heard of a woman meeting a divorced man who has joint custody of his kids and weekend visitation rights imposed by a court? Most divorced men don't give up seeing their kids more often because they want to. They are often forced to because of the whims of a judge.
Try to have a more open mind to the realities of the world!
I love you hairy grape has brain size of grape
I hope you will stay. Shookran
Posts: 13 | From: fruit bowl of life | Registered: Jul 2008
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quote:Originally posted by Event Horizon: I would never, ever, give up my child for a man. I would never put a man's interests ahead of my child's either. A man might want you, but a child needs you.
your man gave up his child to see only on weekends to marry you is he a bad man then?
Who are you talking to? Because this doesn't refer to me.
" I only see my step-kids on weekends, "
your husband live with you or not? he live with wife or not? if he live with you and see his kids weekend then he must be a bad father because he gave up his kids for you, got the point? well according to what you think, or it is different for men then?
Do you always think it's the man who leaves?
Divorce is sad all the way around. I don't wish it on anyone, and I don't know if I'd be strong enough to bear it myself. The people who have gone through it, and come out on the other side, providing for their kids in the best way possible, they have my complete admiration.
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
no I think wife always leave also but there are many circumstances and it is not always each other fault but they blame each other and if the kids is happy then that is the best solution Posts: 13 | From: fruit bowl of life | Registered: Jul 2008
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quote:Originally posted by hairy grape: if the kids is happy then that is the best solution
It's all about the kids. Didn't realize that until I had my own. But truly it is. We all just want to give them the best life we can. Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
no I think wife always leave also but there are many circumstances and it is not always each other fault but they blame each other and if the kids is happy then that is the best solution haory grape with brain size of grape I am still laughing from your name , I hope you stay because I can laugh every time I see you here Posts: 13 | From: fruit bowl of life | Registered: Jul 2008
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quote:Originally posted by hairy grape: if the kids is happy then that is the best solution
It's all about the kids. Didn't realize that until I had my own. But truly it is. We all just want to give them the best life we can.
Has your husband's ex-wife remarried or even started looking for a new husband?
And if she does marry will you accept having the kids from his previous marriage in your home?
If the ex-wife moves back to Egypt after remarriage will you be willing to move to Egypt to be with your husband?
Last possibility: if his ex-wife remarries and he takes his kids from this previous marriage back to Egypt to live with his family how will you cope? He will be spending a lot more time in Egypt if this option is the one that is pursued.
Posts: 1455 | From: debtville | Registered: Dec 2007
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quote:Originally posted by hairy grape: if the kids is happy then that is the best solution
It's all about the kids. Didn't realize that until I had my own. But truly it is. We all just want to give them the best life we can.
Has your husband's ex-wife remarried or even started looking for a new husband?
And if she does marry will you accept having the kids from his previous marriage in your home?
If the ex-wife moves back to Egypt after remarriage will you be willing to move to Egypt to be with your husband?
Last possibility: if his ex-wife remarries and he takes his kids from this previous marriage back to Egypt to live with his family how will you cope? He will be spending a lot more time in Egypt if this option is the one that is pursued.
Suffice it to say, Sono, we discussed all these scenarios and more before we married, and we are on the same page with our decisions. To the extent we can foresee the possibilities, we're cool. Of course, who knows what kind of curve ball life will throw?
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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quote:Originally posted by hairy grape: if the kids is happy then that is the best solution
It's all about the kids. Didn't realize that until I had my own. But truly it is. We all just want to give them the best life we can.
Has your husband's ex-wife remarried or even started looking for a new husband?
And if she does marry will you accept having the kids from his previous marriage in your home?
If the ex-wife moves back to Egypt after remarriage will you be willing to move to Egypt to be with your husband?
Last possibility: if his ex-wife remarries and he takes his kids from this previous marriage back to Egypt to live with his family how will you cope? He will be spending a lot more time in Egypt if this option is the one that is pursued.
Suffice it to say, Sono, we discussed all these scenarios and more before we married, and we are on the same page with our decisions. To the extent we can foresee the possibilities, we're cool. Of course, who knows what kind of curve ball life will throw?
I am sure he behaved in a westernized manner and spoke of 'blended families' from a westers perspective. Before you were married
That was before you were married, what is his attitude now, especially since he now has a blonde boy who doesn't have any disabilies?
Posts: 1455 | From: debtville | Registered: Dec 2007
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I also agree with this statement. I do think it can be different if your child is older like 18 or something when you meet. Your child is an adult in his own right and so is your husband and i can see where they may clash. If however you have a young child that is a different thing altogether. He is apart of you and your husband loves you then your son becomes part of that love, does it not? I can understand if your husband finds it difficult (all parents do) but that is something he should of realised BEFORE he married a woman with a child. I wouldn't and couldn't put a man over my child my love for them surpasses anything or anyone. If a man ever asked me to choose i don't think he would even be able to hear the answer because he would be already out the door. Posts: 895 | Registered: Sep 2007
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I also agree with this statement. I do think it can be different if your child is older like 18 or something when you meet. Your child is an adult in his own right and so is your husband and i can see where they may clash. If however you have a young child that is a different thing altogether. He is apart of you and your husband loves you then your son becomes part of that love, does it not? I can understand if your husband finds it difficult (all parents do) but that is something he should of realised BEFORE he married a woman with a child. I wouldn't and couldn't put a man over my child my love for them surpasses anything or anyone. If a man ever asked me to choose i don't think he would even be able to hear the answer because he would be already out the door.
Until you face the situation you won't know how you will react.
You gals are so living on an 'Orientalist's wet dream'
Posts: 1455 | From: debtville | Registered: Dec 2007
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posted
My husband loves my kids like they were his own and they love him too. So far so good here. Maybe though it has to do with my children being girls though...I dunno. Posts: 1808 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
My step father and I have such a bond and I adore him and he adores me.
Never once has he been jealous of the affection my mum has for her children and he is so supportive and I always refer to him as my father.
At the end of the day the kids come first, they are pinnacle and I know my mum would never have married a man who would not have accepted us and loved us and she did a great job. I was not the easiest teen to be around and he didn't have to take half the crap I gave him but like a good man he stepped up and kept the family strong.
If my folks were to divorce my step-father will always be my father in my eyes. Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
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posted
Reality_Meanie Quoted: Until you face the situation you won't know how you will react.
You gals are so living on an 'Orientalist's wet dream' ----------------------------------------------
Ahem... Yeah i do, i don't really know your story RM it is not my business either way, but i do know if a man where to ask me to give up my kids after marrying me, knowing full well i had children before marrying me - i would tell him where to get off!
Posts: 895 | Registered: Sep 2007
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posted
Some good replies, thank you. I think RM has a point in that once you are married, its not so easy to just split up, just like that. What if by the time any resentment is being shown you have had another child together?
No quite as simple as just kicking someone out the door.
Although I agree with what you say happy bunny and the others, you cant be made to choose between a man and a child.
I think its not so obvious as a man saying 'it's me or him - choose', I think that its much more subtle, perhaps blaming the child for things or perceiving their behaviour in a negative way ALWAYS, this then becomes a vicious cycle and the child can pretty soon do no right. But according to the husband it is because YOU are not seeing things the way they are.
So of course it causes you to mistrust your judgement?
It is tiring as Cosmo says, but with an 18 year old you can stand back, but with a child, you cant stand back because that child needs you to defend them and protect them from harm
I am wondering if Egyptian men feel that boys should be MEN from an earlier age and therefore stand on their own 2 feet rather than the mother wanting to protect them?
What do you think? Is it 'tough love'?
Posts: 918 | From: Earth | Registered: Jan 2008
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Ahem... Yeah i do, i don't really know your story RM it is not my business either way, but i do know if a man where to ask me to give up my kids after marrying me, knowing full well i had children before marrying me - i would tell him where to get off!
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