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I was wondering if it is only the sons that are wrapped in cotton wool....What about the daughters?
I know my MIL tries to have all her sons (4) run round her in circles, but the daughters are not treated the same way.
I will not put up with the blackmail having gone through it before, and Mr PC has become selective when he is being summoned on the phone. So MIL has taken to saying she is dying.....that has been going on for the past three years. Posts: 643 | From: Over there | Registered: Aug 2007
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The only solution I can find is sending his mother to some courses or getting her a hobby!!!
They have to stop looking at themselves as only mothers! They think that that is their only self worth.
And maybe the society tells them that also. It is just another form of oppression, telling women it is great being mothers - meaning that they should put all emphasis on that part...I really feel sorry for them!
I hope the young generation of women is not like that
Posts: 2184 | Registered: Oct 2005
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I must admit my own MIL is tame compared to other stories I've heard about...but I do sense her fearing her own demise as we have begun our family and had our daughter.
I have slowly pulled my own husband away a bit and he has admitted that he has often felt suffocated by the family (not just mommy) and hates being made to feel dependent upon them even as an adult who has his own family and doesn't rely on his family for 'things'. He even admitted recently that he likes the feeling of having a little bit of independence...baby steps.
I actually have a dilemma with much of this. While I think most mothers here are very committed to their childen I think some are SO MUCH SO that they should be 'committed'. I mean seriously, quizzing your grown son over what he has purchased, how much he paid or where he bought an item is revolting. I have often said that the women don't have much else to be proud of. Sure to raise children and be a good mother is always paramount but when does that stop and you focus on just BEING you. ?? There is more to these women that cooking dinner, washing dishes/clothes and doing cleaning up...oh and nagging the sons, I mean get a hobby. I mean my own mother has so much in her life (now retired) she hardly is ever home if I try to call her! She's always busy with volunteer work, teaching English to Spanish-speaking immigrants, church service, lunches/brunches with friends, she holds tea parties and visits the museums and goes to the symphonies, she is part of a book club that meets every other week AND still has time for family. What am I missing? Is it culture?
Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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If you knew your son was in a far and distant land and that he couldn't really help you with everything that goes on in your life because of that, would you tell him about every little problem that goes on with you and your family???
Why does my MIL do that? Only to worry her son and keep him mentally and sprititually connected to her.
And when she asks him how he is and he says fine she will not accept that and ask him about 20 times again. What is that about????
Posts: 2184 | Registered: Oct 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Almaz.: 'The Egyptian Mother syndrome'. I would be happy to contribute with the psychological causes and tips to attempt treatment!
Does this happen with the Dads also??? What if the father brings up the kids?? If his behavior is like this making his children dependent on him, is it easier for a women to break this bond??
Posts: 1121 | From: Too crazy to look at a freakin map to find out.. | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by VanillaBullshit: Due to the cultural stigma of kindness being seen as weakness, these neanderthal males think 'if I'm scary & intimidating enough, she'll respect me' most likely because that's how everyone else treated him growing up.
It takes alot of personal strength to realize that this is not the path to any successful relationship. Takes even more strength to change.
When you get to the point in a relationship where your spouse starts sentences with "you always..." or "you're never..." If it's a constant stream of criticisms and complaints, then you've just driven straight to Dysfunction Land Theme Park.
I think you are absolutely spot on here VB, this is what i believe of my husband. Yesterday i said 70% of the time everything is cool, probably 70% is underestimated due to me being p'd off with him yesterday. I would say 90% of the time everything great. You hit the nail on the head exactly, with the learned responses of how to deal with people when you disagree with them. I do believe that people CAN learn other ways of communicating, but it just takes time and patience on both sides. I was unfair on him yesterday because he does try to react differently now, more than earlier in the relationship, i dont consider it emotional abuse in my case because i think we are all capable of being bad to each other at times, i think if the balance shifts and this becomes a persons ONLY way of communicating then its time to get out.
A huge amount of it is cultural as you said, if cultures change their ideas of men and womens roles then maybe men would not see women's behaviour as challenging, rather as just an opinion, not a reflection on their manhood or authority.
AND i'm not talking just talking Egyptian culture here, even in the west it was not so long ago that the male was breadwinner, this attitude of male superiority over women is still present in the west, although maybe more subtle or hidden, as its less 'socially acceptable'
So...Mother-in-laws
Well in my view this cultural view of women as homemakers extends to this also, if a woman has a husband that provides for her but is maybe not close to her emotionally (to refer back to VB's post) then who will she invest her emotions in?...her children
its acceptable for her to do this and maybe the son fills the space of emotional closeness that the husband (as a man) avoids, after all, isnt it acceptable for a man to do everything for his mother, but he would be considered 'weak' if he did this for his wife?
so how can you then expect her to let that part of their relationship go when he is a man?
Incidently I think mother-in-laws all over the world are like this in some ways, i've known some English and Asian COMPLETE NIGHTMARES!
Posts: 644 | Registered: Jul 2007
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Hi, This sounds so familiar..... What you class as priority, he does,nt. The Ipod thing, I can relate too.. I had the same issue's over mobile phones, latest model, latest this and that. What I deem as priority, is definatley different to my husband of 12 years!....I beleive (I am not saying all) but the majority of egyptians I know place high value on material things... what it looks like, do they look good, are people looking?
Posts: 288 | From: UK | Registered: Feb 2004
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Malak - maybe you are right, although my husband isn't like that, but maybe if someone comes from not having all the material things, they may strive for them when they become available (i do know some exactly like you describe). I also think its a MAN thing, with their gadgets! bit like us women with our clothes Posts: 644 | Registered: Jul 2007
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We should call it the 'Possessive mother syndrome' as it is mirrored in India, Indonesia, Iran, Turkey, the Middle East, Greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal and many other countries, I can't recall all now.
Studies show that the possessive mothers of the world have had a common denominator: lack of paternal love and attention, since their childhood.
As per their relationship with the husband, it seems that the possessive mothers, in general had husbands that were not particularly reciprocating their feelings of love and devotion.
With the above in mind, the mother is left devoid of “male” love and caring.
The mother 'turned' possessive because of the above, needs to compensate for the emotional loss..so guess what is next?
She latches on to her son, molding him to an ideal everything, father, partner, and child all at the same time. he becomes her 'life'. She gives him so much love and attention that he grows up with guilt feelings - that she would infuse- when it comes to mother.
As you can see, it’s all about the mother. MANIPULATION AT ALL COSTS, TO GET THAT EMOTIONAL VOID FULFILLED!
If we try to even discuss it with the sons, most of them will justify the 'extreme' maternal attitude as ideal love, as culture, as anything but the truth, which is understood as being the oedipal complex (Freud school).
You know the symptoms, you know the attitude, you know the characteristics of a possessive mother.
To get by with such a character in your life, here is a 1st tip - and it is not easy!
You have to convince your husband that the 'love' of his mother should not interfere with your relationship, and the only way to get his mother to stop interfering in everything, is to tell her that he is now a 'MAN' and that feeling like a child when she does her 'thing' is a shame in front of his spouse. He has to repeat this many times, it could take a year to sink in, but he needs to be very firm in his tone. It is in the hand of your husband.It is a matter of 'manhood' we're talking about.
Second tip: Once you convince him of the above, also let him know you will get closer to his mom if that happens.
Rumi, some fathers are also possessive and the causes are similar. Emotional void.
Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2007
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Thanks for that Almaz, I think you are right in some cases, I still prefer my Social Constructivist view though.
I do sympathise with people that have interferring mother in laws, it would realy get to me, i would hate it, i do hope that i dont turn out that way with my kids
Posts: 644 | Registered: Jul 2007
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Almaz, that's right. I do believe it is a sort of emotional transference. I think that is the real definition of dysfunctional parenting, no matter what the nationality. Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers: Almaz, that's right. I do believe it is a sort of emotional transference. I think that is the real definition of dysfunctional parenting, no matter what the nationality.
Gosh I went out and this moved on fast!
I agree with the above plus I am afraid also its 'nothing better to do' Syndrome. Maybe if you are going to marry an Egyptian choose the youngest son and not the oldest son because by then its wearing a bit thinner
Seriously though perhaps this is a good starting point for any western woman contemplatiing marrying an Egyptian, if he can't stand up to his mother then forget it unless you want to be plunged into some early parenting before you thought it would be necessary with your own kids.
Posts: 3809 | From: Paradise | Registered: Mar 2003
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OMG..... I don't know what you are all talking about!!! I am not married to an Egyptian man but despite of it my MIL is dead since over six years. RIP Diane....
Any good things about Egyptian men or Egyptian MILs (just for a little positive change)?
Let me tell you the mother of my Egyptian ex was COOL. She was older but funny, loving, easy-going, a bad cook (pssst! ) and not at all traditional (hence we all lived together under one roof for a couple of months and it worked pretty well. My relationship with her was definitely better than with my own ex to tell you the truth!! ) Anyway I must admit she still 'babied' him despite he was already 25+ but I believe part of it probably had to do with the fact that her husband died when both boys were still very small. I think she had it extra hard.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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Years ago I was a teacher in a fee-paying boys school in London and many of them were from jewish, greek or turkish or asian families. Without fail the boys who were oldest sons could do no wrong in the eyes of their parents, let alone their mothers. It was very hard to discipline them (I don't mean physically I mean things like detention or extra work) because the mothers would come up the school and rant at the teachers and we felt very threatened. It was a nightmare.
Posts: 5593 | From: Egypt | Registered: Dec 2005
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Think that it is an universal rule; by whatever kind of youth-education or training it might be; parents are the nightmare of the staff. The BMID-syndrome also counts on this issue. They always know it better, and a lot of them are trying to push them into their frame of what should be good for them. And often that frame is to narrow, so when they push to hard, it bursts! Their own unfulfilled wishes for the future are projected on the children, the kids have to become where they didn't succeed in...at least! One time I had a complaining mother; she complained about the way the sports-trainers used to work. I asked her for her occupation. I asked how she should think about me, when I should enter her desk to tell her how she had to do her job. She was trained for her job, and likely she should know more about it, then I do. So, why does she think she knows better as a trainer who also has had trained for his job??? She understood... Although sometimes it might look wrong, trust somebody who is expierenced in this, when you are not expierenced yourself... This is about teachers/trainers, not MIL's. However, often they are trained better... Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers: Therein lies the problem, the fact that changing this way of behaving isn't easy, eventually people who act like this will end up with someone willing to put up with it for the rest of their lives. Most will leave the abuser eventually if he cannot change, but many will not unfortunately. Thus it just cycles down to their children and so on.... Sad really.
Unfortunately, a lot of women usually stay in such (toxic) relationships for years, mainly for financial reasons (bills, food, etc.). They are not confident enough to start on their own by, paradoxically, becoming too dependent on their (abusive, brrrr) husbands. What worries me most though, is the impact it has on the children. Posts: 2807 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007
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I think there is a serious communication issue or the lack of it between you and your husband add to that your hormone and his culture shock and his home sickness and you got a situation on your hand.
Some people here had great suggestions that may help but it seems like everyone missed the fact that YOU NEED TO TALK WITH HIM frankly about how you feel specially about his carelessness about the baby arrival.
Do you have pregnancy couching classes that he might attend with you so he can understand what are you going through physically and emotionally?
Do you go shopping for the baby together? Does he have a saying in the smallest decision regarding the baby from choosing the room color to the baby name?
Do you have a clear plan on what to do(starting from packing for the trip to the hospital down to if he is going to be in the delivery room to cut the cord himself) and who to call when the ZERO hour arrive?
Does he understand that the baby even in your tummy can hear him and may recognize his and your voice ? May be he should read to the baby. and touching your stomach is actually rubbing and massaging the baby?
Do you have common friends who have cone through pregnancy together that he might learn something or two from so he can understand that you are in this TOGETHER?
As an Egyptian man I can relate to the melodrama and the whole world is revolving around my needs but I can be taught and couched to learn a couple of tricks that may help my partner have a peaceful pregnancy.
The rest of the stuff will fall into place when he understand that HE is a part of this and he has a role he has to live up to, from taking care of you, the baby and himself.
BEST OF LUCK TO BOTH OF YOU. Just be patient and when you can't start counting to ten (out loud) so he can feel your exasperation.
Posts: 176 | From: Proud to be Egyptian | Registered: Apr 2007
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When I give him my full attention, he will act proudly with a big-headed like a peacock, and in contrary he will complain sooooooooo much. But I like and enjoy when he behaves like that hihihii spoilt boy Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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Does that mean people should jump the gun and stop trying? oe just be prepared for what if he does not change?
Posts: 176 | From: Proud to be Egyptian | Registered: Apr 2007
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Thank you globalOne - you have many good points, I will try to answer them.
[QUOTE]Originally posted by GlobalOne: [QB] To Anthropos:
It takes two to tango!
Do you have pregnancy couching classes that he might attend with you so he can understand what are you going through physically and emotionally?
I asked him to come to a class, and I stressed that it could be a good preparation for us both. He said it cost too much (around 600 LE) and that I could give birth like the rest of earth's women, I didn't need special training.
Do you go shopping for the baby together? Does he have a saying in the smallest decision regarding the baby from choosing the room color to the baby name?
So far we have not really bought anything, mainly because he thinks everything is too expensive and we have gotten everything used. I have tried to show him in the shops stuff and asked for his opinion, but he shows little interest and usually answers by saying that he doesn't know, after all he doesn't have any babies (and do I?)
Do you have a clear plan on what to do(starting from packing for the trip to the hospital down to if he is going to be in the delivery room to cut the cord himself) and who to call when the ZERO hour arrive?
He is going to be in the delivery room. He has always stated that. We haven't discussed the plan much. I have told him that he always has to have his mobile phone charged and turned on in case I need to reach him .
Does he understand that the baby even in your tummy can hear him and may recognize his and your voice ? May be he should read to the baby. and touching your stomach is actually rubbing and massaging the baby?
I have told him that the baby can hear, and asked him to talk to it, but he shows little interest and he doesn't have patience to wait for some minutes to feel it kicking.
Do you have common friends who have cone through pregnancy together that he might learn something or two from so he can understand that you are in this TOGETHER?
No not really. All his friends are bachelors and mine are bachelorettes! And actually he hasn't told most of his freinds which I find VERY STRANGE!!!!!!
Posts: 2184 | Registered: Oct 2005
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Yes he did. And we got photos of it. I don't think it influenced him a lot. Sometimes I look at the photos and he asks me in a surpriesd voice "Why are you always looking at those photos?" He is really impossible!
Posts: 2184 | Registered: Oct 2005
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Mmm, yeah, maybe he is. You don't have to mention his age but I guess he is very young and not really ready to become a father. Just focus on yourself now. Take good care of yourself, try to relax and try to have support of good friends and/ or family. Guys/ men change a lot once the baby is there (they have to!) so don't have too many doubts, ok?? Wish you all the best! Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006
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You guys need to talk and hug more.... it will make life so much more easier for both of you.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Anthropos: We are always hugging and kissing - that's about the only thing we are good at
I know your gonna think this sounds cold anthropos but you need to pack up or kick him out. You have to be very serious about it so he will take you seriously. You want your marriage to work this is the only thing you can do.
Talking to a man who doesnt want to listen is absolutely useless. You keep saying the same thing over in many different ways and he doesnt respond. Thats because he is not taking you seriously.This is because men are from mars, they are show me people. Men have a little valve in there brain that shuts off a women's voice when it is telling them what they dont want to hear. Ask any man on here and they will tell you that. They dont consider this as communicating but nagging. With men they need to know you mean business, they respond to ACTIONS. Not bitchiness, nagging or pyschotic behavior cause this will have the opposite effect, it will turn them away cause men really dont have the capacity to maintain with this kind of behavior. At least not real men, and that is what you want to have. So you just have to show him that the rubber is meeting the road. You are not tolerating this nonsense any longer. You stick with this, I know you are pregnant but better to straighten your marriage out before the baby comes then letting him/her come in to a dysfunctional atmosphere with a father that is not taking interest in them and is acting like a baby also...
If you do this, and are serious about it well if he loves you he will realize that he made a big damn mistake. When a man loves a women really he will do anything in the world to keep her with him. Seriously , controlling him in this fashion is no different than what the mom does- she manipulates and controls without the man realizing it. This is what you have to do if you want to stop your relationship from heading down the dysfunctional highway.I learned this from my divorce,my best friend gave me this advice. She did this with her husband and it worked so well it was amazing . I didnt. Maybe if I had maybe my marriage would have been saved. Im not telling you to end it, Im just telling you that you have to show him you are prepared and are ending it. This is how you will find out what kind of a man he really is and how much he really loves you
Im telling you this with love and compassion , you can take it or leave it . Either way I really hope you and your baby have a wonderful future! Posts: 1121 | From: Too crazy to look at a freakin map to find out.. | Registered: Sep 2006
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For some men babies are not real until they are actually here making a noise. Will he be at the birth? this can be a magical moment for a man, unfortunately i have heard some men say that it put them off their wives sexually. Sometimes this has to be a judgement call made by the person who knows the man best - YOU! I am sure that he will change once he has a living breathing bundle of love that has some of his physical characteristics.
Posts: 1797 | From: By my husband's side | Registered: Nov 2007
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Actually I think that this is the case with him, the baby is not real to him now. He actually said one time that "we could talk a lot about the baby when it is here" (meaning he was getting annoyed at hearing me talking about it) . It is just very hard for a woman to hear this because indeed the baby is real to her, she can feel it moving inside of her.
One time I started packing all my stuff and said I was moving out. Then he reacted and asked for forgiveness.
But this way is so exhausting - and messy, my bedroom is now filled with my clothes scattered all over!
Posts: 2184 | Registered: Oct 2005
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Oh now I am getting angry. Let me talk to him!
Btw, how far are you along in your pregnancy (I asked the question before)?
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Anthropos: Actually I think that this is the case with him, the baby is not real to him now. He actually said one time that "we could talk a lot about the baby when it is here" (meaning he was getting annoyed at hearing me talking about it) . It is just very hard for a woman to hear this because indeed the baby is real to her, she can feel it moving inside of her.
One time I started packing all my stuff and said I was moving out. Then he reacted and asked for forgiveness.
But this way is so exhausting - and messy, my bedroom is now filled with my clothes scattered all over!
That's not a good sign.
You need to take immediate steps to knock him back into reality.
It's unbelievable to me that a man wouldn't wait on his pregnant wife hand & foot 24/7, up until she gave birth that is, we can't handle that kind of pain, we would die immediately. I can barely handle taking a painful dump.
But I digress, this dude is being a complete pussy. If he doesn't man up & grow a pair soon, buy him a dress.
Rumi gave some good advice.
Posts: 2404 | Registered: May 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Anthropos: Actually I think that this is the case with him, the baby is not real to him now. He actually said one time that "we could talk a lot about the baby when it is here" (meaning he was getting annoyed at hearing me talking about it) .
TRANSLATION: Gosh I really don't want to face the reality of your having my child so don't remind me and we can jump off of the bridge when we come to it.
This guy is clueless and is going to miss out on something he might truly regret. My advice: go to your family and stay a while and don't go back to him until he gives you EVERYTHING you want with both arms open. !!!!
Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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I think you should consider a serious family meeting - asap!!
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Anthropos: Actually I think that this is the case with him, the baby is not real to him now. He actually said one time that "we could talk a lot about the baby when it is here" (meaning he was getting annoyed at hearing me talking about it) . It is just very hard for a woman to hear this because indeed the baby is real to her, she can feel it moving inside of her.
One time I started packing all my stuff and said I was moving out. Then he reacted and asked for forgiveness.
But this way is so exhausting - and messy, my bedroom is now filled with my clothes scattered all over!
Anthropos, you cant just start to do it, you have to actually do it. You have to make him believe that you have had it. Just like smucks said. Trust me, you do not want this man taking care of you after the baby is born. You think it is painful to walk out now, well its even worse once you realize that he isnt going to change.
As a matter of fact, once the baby is born his behavior will get worse, he will them blame and resent you . Im telling you this so you can save your marriage really. IF he really does love you like he says, then he will move heaven and earth to make it up to you. You cannot go back till he does. TL, a family meeting wont do anything, Im not telling her to leave him, Im telling her to shock him into reality. Some men need this , it is the only way to get through to them unfortunately. Tough love its called, and at this point you and I both know a man that acts like this is going to continue and just get worse.. Posts: 1121 | From: Too crazy to look at a freakin map to find out.. | Registered: Sep 2006
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Surely there must be a less drastic way ? i mean what would happen if he is a stubborn so and so and does not beg her to come back ? Then if she returns of her own free will he may think that he is in control and become even worse because he knows that she won't leave him!!!!! It is a hard one to judge without actually knowing the man himself...
Posts: 1797 | From: By my husband's side | Registered: Nov 2007
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I think you already played that card and he called your bluff. You made the packing scene, but you actually didn't leave. I'm not so sure he's going to try to stop you a second time. He might even think he's "teaching you a lesson" and if you're going to act like a child...(I know, irony)
The other thing to consider is that people who are like this...why is everything happening to me, poor, poor me...may perceive you leaving him as...oh great, so the ONE person who was suppose to love me through thick/thin, the ONE person I thought I could count on, the ONLY person I have to lean on in this foreign country just left me to her parents because she thinks I complain about her country and how awfully her people treat me too much.
He may end up turning this around and saying you left him all alone in a strange country, he can't count on you, he can't trust you to be there for him in the bad times.
Just offering the other viewpoint, as everyone writes good advice...but only you can tell how he might perceive your actions.
Posts: 2182 | Registered: Oct 2002
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To Anthropos: Maybe you can let him read everything you said on this forum?? Maybe he has to read it, re-read it and re-read it and maybe he will understand you a bit more.
Personally I am not in favour of the 'drastic' advice (namely going away). As we are told not to give too many personal details away on this forum , I won't go into detail but the things you write about your guy are not totally unfamiliar to me. My husband was 24 when we had our son (totally planned) and if I look back now, I must admit: he was probably not ready for fatherhood. (he was still studying) Quarrels about buying baby-stuff, trivial things like that. Not 'cool', nor 'relaxed'. That's why I said; maybe he is very young and not ready for parenthood. His behaviour is a bit childish, that's all.
Give him time and try to stay calm yourself. You can't change a person, focus on the good things. Good luck!
And if all of this doesn't seem to help, Tigerlily will talk to him. Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006
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I think you all should give this guy a break!!! In my experience, men in general don't get all excited as us women do about pregnancy. You are wanting him to feel pregnant when he is not pregnant. Now us woman, its new and great to us, and the wildest experience. If thats all they hear, its hard for a man to relate. He cant relate to female problems or female pregnancies. My husband could have cared less about talking baby stuff with me, or going to lamaz classes. No way would he do that. Now way would he talk to my stomach either. But after the baby was born, the sky is the limit for our child. He lives and breathes our child and is so into him. They do everything together and have for 10 years now. They are so close. So ease up on the guy. He is not a woman and dont have the same type feelings. Some men get a little jealous of all the baby baby talk too. They want to be your baby. HAHA. So take it easy is my advice on him. When the baby comes let him be as much a part of the childs life as he can. Talk to your mom and girlfriends about it. Men will talk after they get to experience it which is after its born. I think its great he wants to go in with you, most men dont want to do that either. He might just prove to be the best daddy ever was. He might be stressing over being able to support this child the way he wants his child to be supported. He might just want all the best for his child.
Posts: 41 | From: usa | Registered: Jan 2006
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Apart from the culture shock you are talking about, perhaps it's also some kind of subconscious fear that pretty soon you will be taking care of the baby, not 'looking after' him? He thinks he'll be pushed into background (because of the baby) and kind of totally neglected (in a foreign country where he needs to adapt)? And he is not even fully aware that HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH HIMSELF? I don't know... Just thinking...
Posts: 2807 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007
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How nice the man gets to sit around and feel sorry for himself and not want to think about or deal with the pregnancy, meanwhile the woman has no choice. Sorry to say this but TO HELL with him, maybe what he needs are some jumper cables on the jewels to jolt him into reality. Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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I'm sorry to say this but there are RED FLAGS all over your present and future relationship with this boy who does not know how to be a responsible man yet!
YOU need to take a very tough stance {NOW OR NEVER} Posts: 176 | From: Proud to be Egyptian | Registered: Apr 2007
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I became pregnant in Cairo. My husband - then my boyfriend of only a couple of months - was shocked at first and it took him couple of days to let reality sink in. I remember showing him the 'mother pass' and he asked me 'What's that for?' Yeah I can't say he was overly excited.
I know it wasn't easy for him in the beginning. He being single and independent for quite some time after the hurtful divorce from his high-school love. But he was with me at the next doctor appointment, saw our little Susi on the screen (at week 11) and from there it went only up the hill!! Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Rumicrazieluv: Talking to a man who doesnt want to listen is absolutely useless. You keep saying the same thing over in many different ways and he doesnt respond. Thats because he is not taking you seriously.This is because men are from mars, they are show me people. Men have a little valve in there brain that shuts off a women's voice when it is telling them what they dont want to hear. Ask any man on here and they will tell you that. They dont consider this as communicating but nagging. With men they need to know you mean business, they respond to ACTIONS. Not bitchiness, nagging or pyschotic behavior cause this will have the opposite effect, it will turn them away cause men really dont have the capacity to maintain with this kind of behavior. At least not real men, and that is what you want to have.
When a man refuses to listen when you think he should, you can either raise your voice a couple of decibels so that he can hear you, or be 'a man' yourself, i.e. act decisively (or ... you can sit still ) I hate both alternatives, but, frankly, sometimes there is no choice. And there are MEN and men. Years ago I heard a friend of mine call them wets and sh**s respectively. Whereas the former will 'sober up' and see A WOMAN in you, the latter (immature, macho or/and with inflated ego) can't deal with a female standing up to them, most often interpreting your actions as over-emotional ('Oh , she's in one of her temper tantrums again.' ). I can't stop wondering why so many women tend to go for sh**s...
Posts: 2807 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007
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I am not one to recommend staying in a bad relationship. I am concerned about his callousness toward the baby. In my view this is not a good sign. Even my x was excited about the baby and showed concern for my well being.
I think we all want whats best for her and the baby. It seems we all agree that he is not treating her right. I don't have issue with recommending that she leave but I have concerns that this is not the best time.
She is pregnant. What if he calls her bluff? Is she financially able to support herself and her new baby? Does she have job skills? Everyone who has had a baby knows about post partum blues. And we don't know how she will come through the delivery. She may need a lot of help.
Personally, I think she should be in a position of strength before leaving. This way she will be less likely to come back out of necessity.
Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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quote:Originally posted by of_gold: I am not one to recommend staying in a bad relationship. I am concerned about his callousness toward the baby. In my view this is not a good sign. Even my x was excited about the baby and showed concern for my well being.
I think we all want whats best for her and the baby. It seems we all agree that he is not treating her right. I don't have issue with recommending that she leave but I have concerns that this is not the best time.
She is pregnant. What if he calls her bluff? Is she financially able to support herself and her new baby? Does she have job skills? Everyone who has had a baby knows about post partum blues. And we don't know how she will come through the delivery. She may need a lot of help.
Personally, I think she should be in a position of strength before leaving. This way she will be less likely to come back out of necessity.
If he does call her bluff, that to me shows he doesnt love her the way she deserved to be loved anyway. A man who really truly loves a women with his whole soul would never let her just walk out. He might be stubborn till he starts to really think and miss her. He will know she means business and he screwed up. Thats the bottom line right there. So you are advocating her to just stay with him so he could take care of her cause he's her only alternative??? He wont take care of her, he will continue to put this poor woman through hell, maybe possibly stressing her to the point of miscarriage just because he is behaving like a spoiled child and is being allowed to do so. God knows how he will behave once he has a baby he hasnt even shown any ounce of interest in .
This is not how its supposed to be, she deserves to have a happy joyful pregnancy with a man who supposedly loves her more than anything. Even if he doesnt show interest in the shopping aspect of it, or even truly understands what he is undertaking, just the fact that life is growing inside of his beloved wife should be all he needs to make sure she is taken care of. All men no matter what culture can get a little freaked by pregnancy, but for the most part even if they lose their minds alittle bit they show a general care about the well being of their wife.
I find it interesting that most of the women on here chose to ignore the advice given by men on this thread This to me speaks volumes IMO.............
Posts: 1121 | From: Too crazy to look at a freakin map to find out.. | Registered: Sep 2006
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Rumi - my advice was even harsher than yours. And here it is from page 2. Originally posted by Anthropos: he never asks how the pregnancy is going - He only talks about himself and what a hard life he is having here, it is like he is the first person ever to have lived in another country!!
I really don't know how it will be like once the baby is here, maybe it will change him, maybe not. What really bothers me also is that he is always talking about how he is so "unselfish" and that everybody else is so selfish - but he is just selfish in demanding that everybody else is not!
I am so sorry you have to deal with that attitude at a time where you should be so close to your partner.
Try to ignore him, and focus on YOU! That's the only answer now.
After the baby is born, if there is no change in his attitude, consider shipping him back where he came from, and watch!!
Be strong! Think of yourself, and the baby.Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2007
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I think in every culture pregnant women are getting more attention and special care from their husbands, especially when it's a first child. A part of him is growing inside her, and this gives special feelings. The big BUT is that there must be love between them. Because that love takes a special role. I don't know what's the reason why this man is not seeing it like this. Why he only can think about himself, even when his wife is carrying his child in her tommy. Maybe because he is not able to see it this way, maybe because he doesn't love her, maybe because he is just a selfish person... we don't know. Practical she indeed has to deal with it, and if she can't, she must make decisions. We are free to make decisions for ourselves, but we can't make a man change if he doesn't want to change...
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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Anthropos, don't leave your husband to make your point! Been there done that in my first relationship and we ended up leaving each other routinely.... it was the absolute mess.
Anyway, please you need to talk to him more. You mentioned that you hug and kiss a lot. Well he obviously has many feelings for you then, he loves you. Just next time do me a favor and address the problems you have with his attitude, don't kiss them away. Also you need to take him to every doctor appointment you have in regards to your baby and let the doc explain your husband couple of things he needs to start doing (I know the doc should not be in the position of a marriage councelor but some don't mind to help a little out). And hell yes book a spot for the both of you together for the next parenting class - you need it (even if your husband doesn't think so). You need this class to get more emotionally connected together towards the baby and he will also get teached more about pregnancy and his role in it. And go with him out a lot and check out baby stuff over and over again. He needs to be part and involved in the pregnancy way more. After all he might just want to get guided because otherwise he wouldn't do things of his own and/or he's just nervous about the whole situation.
Good luck, Anthropos, I really hope everything works well out for the three of you. Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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