Followers of Islam use traditional methods to find their spouse
By: Alanna Berman,
Issue date: 2/26/07 Section: Dating and Romance Media Credit: Liquid Library
Editor's note: Some names in this story have been changed.
It's your wedding day. You're about to walk down the aisle, lift up the veil and look your future husband in his eyes. After you're married, you'll be presented to all your family and friends and will finally get to kiss the man you've been waiting to marry ... for the first time.
For many Muslims, this scenario is the norm. After a short "courtship" - dating is forbidden in Islam - Muslim men and women decide to get married. If marriage is delayed, it is said to have deviated from its natural course according to a marriage handbook for Muslims. So many Muslims choose to be married quickly, as soon as they find their partner.
Leading up to the wedding, couples can talk on the phone, but sexual conversations are not allowed. If the couple wishes to meet face-to-face, they may do so, but only if there is a third party present (often a male relative of the bride). Physical contact of any kind is strictly forbidden until after marriage.
Aisha, 29, is a senior at San Diego State, and is preparing for a wedding to a man she has never met.
"Marriage is valued in Islam, and we do it for our religion," she said.
Aisha, who converted to Islam less than two years ago, has been married once before and has a 3-year-old son from that marriage. She says it was this relationship that brought her to Islam, and it's why she has now decided to marry someone within her faith.
"I was in a relationship with someone who said they were Muslim, but they never prayed," she said. "It was a nightmare, and he didn't care about respecting his wife or his child. We weren't compatible anymore."
Aisha, who wears the traditional hijab (head scarf) and abaya (dress) to school to cover her shape, is first looking for a man who values the same strong religious foundation she does. She says that the other aspects of the relationship will fall into place.
"If you have a lot of knowledge (about Islam), but don't live your life correctly, I'm not interested," she said.
But for those most interested in meeting a devout Muslim partner, it's not easy to get face time with a potential mate. Men and women are separated while worshipping at the mosque. As a result, many Muslims meet through friends or family members.
"People think that we have arranged marriages, but it's forbidden in the Quran to marry against a person's will," Aisha said. "The marriage would be seen as invalid.
"It's just that usually a friend knows someone interested in getting married, so they will say, 'You should meet my other friend,' and if the two people get along, they can decide to get married, but no one is forced. You have to make an intention that you are meeting this person for the sole purpose of marriage."
Aisha is participating in a new trend among Muslims and met her future husband, Zaid, on a Web site designed for Muslims seeking marriage.
"It's a new thing, but it's really great because there is absolutely no possibility of compromising your purity since the distance is an automatic barrier," she said.
As part of getting to know each other, Aisha and Zaid ask questions on the phone regarding prayer, fasting, dress and friendships.
Aisha also had a male friend call Zaid to ask about his views on a woman's role and treatment within marriage.
"What I'm looking for in these conversations is someone that sees the equal level of importance in marriage that men and women have within Islam," she said.
As part of this process, Zaid and Aisha each got a checkup at the doctor's office.
"It's the world we live in, and not everyone was always Muslim, so a person's history is important, and a health test protects both parties from any surprises later on," she said.
Finally, Aisha spent a whole day calling Zaid's friends to ask about his character and reputation, while he did the same.
"There is a hadith that you cannot speak badly about another person unless it is for marriage or business, so when I ask if he is trustworthy, the person I am speaking to has to tell me the truth, even if it's negative," she said about the Muslim oral tradition.
While this process may seem daunting, it has led to success for Aisha and Zaid. In March, they will meet at her mosque for the first time. During his visit, Zaid will meet and talk with influential people in her community, and if the couple decides to marry, he will meet Aisha's family. If all goes well, the couple will marry quickly. Aisha is sure she will marry Zaid.
"I've already begun to know him on a deeper level than I would have were sex involved," she said. "And we are so similar, I know that it will work out."
quote:"People think that we have arranged marriages, but it's forbidden in the Quran to marry against a person's will," Aisha said. "The marriage would be seen as invalid."
...forbidden? Seems rather common in cases where children get betrothed at 9 years old.
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