I am in the middle of an absolutely fantastic 2-week vacation in Cairo with my Egyptian boyfriend (we both live in the States). His parents got me a furnished apartment in their complex for my stay, while he is staying with his parents. We cannot get married until his divorce is finalized in the U.S., but we are engaged.

What has thrown me for a loop, however, is that his parents are pretty upset I'm staying by myself here, and even asked my boyfriend to stay with me (he's 44 and I'm 38 if it matters). ????? What about sex outside of marriage? How can they desire their son do that rather than have me stay alone? They are very religious -- my boyfriend is not.

So his father has suggested orfi marriage until my bf's divorce can come through. I know this doesn't count as true marriage and don't expect it to. My question is, what are the subtle cultural things going on here? I want them to respect me as a good future daughter in law. I certainly don't mind staying by myself, but is that making me look amoral or something in his parents' eyes? Is orfi marriage acceptable in an upper-middle class, very religious family?

Any feedback you could give me would be much appreciated. I've been staying by myself a week now, but they seem more and more to want us to write up an orfi document. ??

By the way, Cairo is absolutely beautiful and Egyptians are, as a group, the friendliest people I've ever met, and I've travelled a lot.

Susan

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Originally posted by Snoozin:
Hi, guys,

I am in the middle of an absolutely fantastic 2-week vacation in Cairo with my Egyptian boyfriend (we both live in the States). His parents got me a furnished apartment in their complex for my stay, while he is staying with his parents. We cannot get married until his divorce is finalized in the U.S., but we are engaged.

What has thrown me for a loop, however, is that his parents are pretty upset I'm staying by myself here, and even asked my boyfriend to stay with me (he's 44 and I'm 38 if it matters). ????? What about sex outside of marriage? How can they desire their son do that rather than have me stay alone? They are very religious -- my boyfriend is not.

So his father has suggested orfi marriage until my bf's divorce can come through. I know this doesn't count as true marriage and don't expect it to. My question is, what are the subtle cultural things going on here? I want them to respect me as a good future daughter in law. I certainly don't mind staying by myself, but is that making me look amoral or something in his parents' eyes? Is orfi marriage acceptable in an upper-middle class, very religious family?

Any feedback you could give me would be much appreciated. I've been staying by myself a week now, but they seem more and more to want us to write up an orfi document. ??

By the way, Cairo is absolutely beautiful and Egyptians are, as a group, the friendliest people I've ever met, and I've travelled a lot.

Susan

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hi suzan how are you? something funny is going on here. urfi marraige is not looked upon well here in egypt, especially from the elderly. so it seems strange that his parents want you to do it. i think you should talk to him to see what's going on.

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Originally posted by 7aya:
hi suzan how are you? something funny is going on here. urfi marraige is not looked upon well here in egypt, especially from the elderly. so it seems strange that his parents want you to do it. i think you should talk to him to see what's going on.

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Agree with 7aya: why would his parents insist so strongly on still 'shameful' marriage act (in the eyes of many!) if both of you don't even live in Egypt, and your fiance is still married...

If you have 2 male witnesses, a dowry, the intention to be married for ever and it is publically annouced then that makes it a true islamic marriage as well.

Of course all this is legal in Egypt even if he is married as he can have more than one wife.

But I thank you all for your feedback. I think I'll just stay alone in this apartment for the rest of the trip. :-)

Thanks!

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Originally posted by 7aya:
look i'm not really pro polygamy. however, since he is a muslim, and divorcing his wife, and his parents are worried about you.then why can't he just marry you an offical marriage. why does it have to be urfi. because in both cases it is polygamy.

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Originally posted by Snoozin:
I'm not even going to pretend like i know what's going on here for sure. His parents consider him divorced Islamically. But *I* do not consider him divorced because his suit is still moving through the American courts. So *I* do not want any type of official marriage in Egypt because *I* would consider that polygamy and don't want anything to do with it.

But I thank you all for your feedback. I think I'll just stay alone in this apartment for the rest of the trip. :-)

Thanks!

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Originally posted by Snoozin:

Oh, actually, I don't think they are worried about me, but more worried about their son's soul if he has sex outside of marriage and maybe this orfi thing is *good enough* in their eyes to save their son from the hellfire. I'm sure they suspect him of visiting my apartment during the day and don't like that idea. Plausible?

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Absolutely.... think you have got the right conclusion. So don't let them push you into something that would not be right for an Egyptian family just because it would suit them islamically for their son.

If they realy cared they would have you stay with them and arrange for their son to stay with friends or family

Hope you enjoy the rest of your stay in Cairo, it is such a wonderful city.

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Originally posted by Penny:

If they realy cared they would have you stay with them and arrange for their son to stay with friends or family

Hope you enjoy the rest of your stay in Cairo, it is such a wonderful city.

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Thanks! Actually, they did offer to have me stay with them, and my boyfriend with his brother. But they'd already also arranged this place for me, and I was very nervous about staying with them since they speak very little English, and I even less Arabic. So I just chose this apartment across the street. I do spend time with his parents every day, and today, Friday, will be hanging out with them all day -- all the kids are coming over for dinner.

Egypt/Cairo is gorgeous! I see why people fall in love with it. The smog bugged me a bit the first couple of days, but now I don't notice anything. And the *soul* of the city more than makes up for it.