My friend is Muslim but born and lives in Scotland. She is 29. She lives in family home and her mother is keen to arrange a marriage for her. Her mother does not know she has a boyfriend.
My friend has just found out she is pregnant, not sure who father is.

I know things in Egypt are different from here in UK but from your knowledge of Islam and culture, can you please advise.

If she told her family of the unplanned pregnancy -

would her family really disown her?
would they kick her out and leave her homeless?
would they hurt her and the unborn baby?
would they send her off to another town?
she is terrified and does not want to think about abortion.
But she has to make decision quick.

But how can we find out beforehand, what type of reaction this particular family will have?

Since you clearly stated that the woman does'nt know who the father is, it implies a possible violent reaction from the parents, as well as causing a great deal of pain to the men involved, and a strangely shattered life lying ahead of this woman and her future baby, if they both make it through all this -

Conclusion:

If she can take responsibilities for her actions, face the truth and LIFE, with courage, leave home and the men she is involved with, find out the father's identity through DNA, through an amniosynthesis test, on her 5th month of pregnancy - she owes it to him - and importantly if she is able to provide for her child ON HER OWN or with help of some government program, or unconventional generous and understanding friends, then it would be a great thing to keep the child; IF NOT, what then?

Best wishes,
Monica

Why All Of A Sudden This Concern About Family !!

Keep The Child !!

She Should Take The First Step On The Road To Her Own Existence !!

She Is Not A Bad Or Guilty Woman !!

What your friend has done is obviously not Islamic, but asking how her family would act under these circumstances is like asking how a Scottish family would react. I can’t see either of them being pleased about the situation, but their reaction is as unpredictable as any family’s would be! What you are asking about is not an Islamic matter, its asking us to guess a human reaction without us knowing the people concerned…there is not one stereotypical Muslim reaction to this, or any other type of family crisis, any more than there is among any other groups of people.

My only guess is that the arranged marriage will be called off if/when the parents find out, unless the prospective groom already knows the woman and is so much in love with her he is willing to take her and the baby on…but that is probably quite a far-fetched hope, and would probably have many negative long term consequences.

Islamically, from my understanding, she should not abort the baby, as she doesn’t have the right to take the life of a being that Allah has given life to (unless the pregnancy could cause a danger to her life), and she should face the consequences of her actions. But as she appears not to be very Islamic in her general behaviour, she may not want to consider this advice.

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Originally posted by wise_woman:
I'm searching internet to find a message board where I can post for information/advice.
In the meantime, I post here because some people here are Muslim or have knowledge of Islam.

My friend is Muslim but born and lives in Scotland. She is 29. She lives in family home and her mother is keen to arrange a marriage for her. Her mother does not know she has a boyfriend.
My friend has just found out she is pregnant, not sure who father is.

I know things in Egypt are different from here in UK but from your knowledge of Islam and culture, can you please advise.

If she told her family of the unplanned pregnancy -

would her family really disown her?
would they kick her out and leave her homeless?
would they hurt her and the unborn baby?
would they send her off to another town?
she is terrified and does not want to think about abortion.
But she has to make decision quick.

Sorry it's not really an Egyptian matter but I'm stuck.
She can't discuss this with her family and her friends are Muslim and know her family.
She's at home just now sick, telling her family it's a stomach bug but it's not.
She has no access to internet and no privacy at home.
I'm her only non Muslim friend and I don't know what I can do to help her, what advice to offer her.

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Hi Wise Woman

When you think of Islam try to separate culture from the religion as the 2 are quite different. Since living here i have found that Egyptians seem to follow more of the culture and clothe it with religion.

Will her family disown her? Culturally that is a possibiliy depending on the family, due to shame etc etc. Like Newcomer says it depends on the family. Is this girl actually Egyptian or is she Asian or some other? Muslims from different countries tend to follow different ways of thinking i.e some enforce very strict punishments for things like this, some may be more forgiving.

Islamically, i think forgiveness is the best way in most things. I don't want to scare you or anything, but i think there is a punishment for sex outside of marriage and maybe you should check what the fatwa is for this, just in case her family are VERY strict Muslims.

It is not our place to judge her morals as a Muslim as Allah is the best judge for this. Depending on how religious she is, she does have the option of asking Allah for forgiveness (repenting), there are many sources on the internet and books that explain how to do this. Allah loves when we turn to Him for help rather than seek for it elsewhere.... and there is none more forgiving than He!

Allah Almighty says: "Say: 'O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Az-Zumar: 53)

He Almighty also says: "Allah accepts the repentance of those who do evil in ignorance and repent soon afterwards; to them will Allah turn in mercy: For Allah is full of knowledge and wisdom." (An-Nisa’: 17)

I didn't add these ayat as a way of preaching, but as something that you can give to your friend which may help her to remember that she is not alone!

If she is not very religious then of course the situation will not bother her in the religious sense, as much as the reaction of her family (i'm not judging here, that is entirely her choice!)

The best thing that she can do no matter what her family are like is to tell them as soon as possible. She will need to start deciding what her next steps are and if she will have the support of her family or if she will have to do it alone. There is no point waiting to decide all of this until the baby starts to show, when her concerns should really be for her own wellbeing and the child. If her family will throw her out then it's best they do it now sa7?

As far as abortion is concerned, if she does not want it for Islamic reasons then she is right. Abortion is forbidden in islam - have a look at the link below. Maybe it would also be an idea to post your question there, it is a good site and they usually give good, non-judgemental answers.
http://www.islamonline.net/completesearch/english/CounsellorSearchAck.asp?hSection=0&hKeyword=abortion&hChoice=2&hJoin=1

When you search for other messageboards, try to stay away from moral arguments about your friends situation.... what's done is done and now she needs to think about the future. People make mistakes and most Muslims know that these mistakes are tests for us from Allah.

For your friend - as my arabic grammar is non existent: Allah Yahfazak (may Allah keep you from danger)

She is Pakistani Muslim and as you mention Akshar, about places she could contact for advice, she says she doesn't want to phone them in case one of them happen to know her family. She is so ashamed.

She's at home and has no internet access.
I can't even phone her and read your replies to her and discuss this as there is only 1 telephone at the family home, it is in the living room and there is no chance of private conversation.
It has been this way for the 6 years that I've known her.

We've had many text messages between us.

Not judging her or the family when I say she does not regularly attend Mosque, her family encourage her to go as they all go but she chooses not to go.
Maybe her family already accept she makes her own decisions.

She has spoken with her Doctor who is also Muslim and he has told her that if she had abortion, she would never be able to have a healthy baby in the future. I don't know if this is true.

She has now spoken to the 2 possible fathers, they are not interested if it is their baby. They are of lower "caste" to her family and she would not be allowed to marry either of them anyhow.

She is also terrified of the operation involved in abortion, that she will damage her body.

She says Allah is angry with her and will punish her for this. I have suggested she consult the Koran for guidance. She has appointment with her Doctor again this week and has to make a final decision.

Since none of you know the mother of my God-daughter, I can tell you that in 76 or 77 she had an abortion and has since delivered 3 very healthy beautiful children. Think about it....in 1977, that was a long time ago. I'm 100% certain that they have improved the practice since then and certainly it hasn't gotten any worse. Tell her to get her butt into a Planned Parenthood Clinic NOW and talk to them about it. They won't judge at all. They see this stuff EVERY day.

The actual practice of having the abortion is NOT going to hurt her physically. The emotional and mental areas are a different thing. She had to decide what she can handle on that end, and if she makes this decision, can her God forgive her? Actually the Planned Parenthood clinic will give her lots of options if abortion isn't one she wants to deal with. Since you can't get to her, tell her to get into PP today. They are all over the USA, so there must be one somewhere close to her.

Your friend should make up her mind, keep her child and face the world and move on, taking responsibility of her actions, or simply get an abortion and move on taking the responsibility of her actions.

In terms of the two men she had intimate relations with, that was easy!

G.Luck
Monica

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Originally posted by Debbie:
Oh for Gosh sakes! Abortion does NOT hurt your body, or make it so you can't have children in the future. What in the world is wrong with her doctor? Why would he tell her these lies? Is he a doctor or a preacher?

Since none of you know the mother of my God-daughter, I can tell you that in 76 or 77 she had an abortion and has since delivered 3 very healthy beautiful children. Think about it....in 1977, that was a long time ago. I'm 100% certain that they have improved the practice since then and certainly it hasn't gotten any worse. Tell her to get her butt into a Planned Parenthood Clinic NOW and talk to them about it. They won't judge at all. They see this stuff EVERY day.

The actual practice of having the abortion is NOT going to hurt her physically. The emotional and mental areas are a different thing. She had to decide what she can handle on that end, and if she makes this decision, can her God forgive her? Actually the Planned Parenthood clinic will give her lots of options if abortion isn't one she wants to deal with. Since you can't get to her, tell her to get into PP today. They are all over the USA, so there must be one somewhere close to her.

Good luck to her.

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