posted
"The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?
Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, ' Let's see... size 36.' Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - $400 New shirt - $36 New underwear - $6 Second Opinion - PRICELESS !!! Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
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Mark, a loving husband was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "tomorrow morning i expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 - 200 in under 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE ! " The next morning Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out of the window and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the dive-way. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the drive-way and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale. Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors. Posts: 634 | From: the Moon........... | Registered: Mar 2007
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The best thing for you," the doctor said, "is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking." "I see," the patient said. "To be honest, I don't deserve the best. What's second best?"
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them. Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." "Why would you say that?" wondered the broker. "Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
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A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"
"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.
"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.
"Is it your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"
Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"
"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.
Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
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A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work,' the daughter-in-law answered.
'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Mike loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.'
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
'What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
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>A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section >of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her >nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went >back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a >tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming >that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the >shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As >before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than >before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your>>nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper"
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
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You're welcome Have a very nice day Micky !
Barbies A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price.
The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28".
Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250" The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive.
The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."
Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
this is why you should think before you speak
the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman an and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
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