posted
Tigerlilly posted an article about a couple, egyptian woman and american man. This got me thinking...
After reading the article I felt this immense failure...lol, well, here they are, these people talking of their blissfully happy, wonderful, idealised world of mixed culture islamic marriage in a western society, where passers by discuss the wonders of hijab wearing and children are kept from the evils of modern society.
Even the birds and deer came to live in their house!!... oh no, sorry, that was Bambi
So anyway, I looked up the author of Mary Poppins and this is what i found
"Pamela Travers was the creator of the universally-loved fictional character, Mary Poppins. Yet the whimsical fantasies of the sugar and spice nanny bore no resemblance to her real life childhood. Her mother was suicidal and needy; her father, a rogue and an alcoholic, died when she was seven."
Isn't this always the case? that the sugary sweet neighbour next door turns out to be a psychopath?
But all too often we have on this site, many examples of the dream romance? many women are aspiring towards ideal situations like the one in Tigerlillys article...is it real?
Do men aspire to the same things? Do we all need to aspire to this or should we accept that not everything in life will go down with a 'spoonful of sugar'?
It just got me thinking, is it ever real?
I am a cynic by heart, and i am prepared to stand corrected, but be prepared i will take some convincing!
People have said before 'we never argue' is it just their perception of what an argument is that is different, do they REALLY mean they never disagree? or does one person always bend to suit the other.
I for one am standing up and saying life is hard, my life has good times and bad times that need work, my child had a dummy, he observed me swearing, he watches T.V and he owns an X Box.
I argue with my husband from time to time, we have differences of opinion, we dont always agree about how to raise children and i dont grow mint!
Posts: 644 | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
When two people disagree about something, several things can happen. They can try to convince each other, but both will feel that they`re right. So, each can bring their arguments, and talk about it. This should be the right way to discuss. But, not everybody has the skills to do this. Often we see that one is trying to get their right by making the disagreement personal. As soon as this happens, we`ll get a fight. Sometimes it is tempting to make it personal, but it is dangerous. It is creating a mutual bad understanding, and it will leave a mark on their soals.Can be a little scratch, but every time agian, all these scratches make scars, and if there are enough scratches and scars the relationship will die definite.
I mentioned once, that people who are too positive about each other and their relationship in public, are the ones who one day will be in a devorce. They`re helding up a false imagination, maybe just because they both dont feel good about it, the disavowal of the reality...
So, this sweet sugared story that looks like a fairy tale, can be truth,but I am asking myself: Why would two people emphasise their ideal relationship in public?
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
I grow rosemary...you should try it its wonderful and easy to grow. Mine even blooms in the winter some.
I would like to grow mint.
....the child in that article was a baby...not hard to keep a baby away from evil...
I don't seek idealism but I sure hope that there can be a peace in my home away from the chaos of the world.
I am happy right now, no it is not ideal, I would rather not have to worry about paying bills so I can have more time for mint growing and I do feel lonely for a man to share my life with but I rarely cry like I used to all the time when I was married. I feel stress and fear but I think the fear comes from past experiences.
Mostly there is peace with my six year old and I.
Not ideal partly, I think because I do take worries on my own shoulders and not completely trust God to take care of things. This is my short coming that I am hoping to better resolve.
I got off track...the point is that I hope for love and peace in my home. The other point is, life has been hard but some hardships I bring on myself.
My parents were cross cultural. Not as dramatic a difference as Egyptian and American. I do not want a relationship like theirs but they did love each other.
Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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posted
i grow rosemary also and, sage, oregano thyme and lemon thyme basil and chocolate mint and chives
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
I grow books and it's an expensive hobby! Lovely story that article and that could be the UP part of the marriage! We don't know the 'down' yet/// Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
This reminds me of newspaper articles about two people who have been married for 50/60 or more years.
When interviewd they are asked for their secret of a long marriage . Many say the never have a cross word......Is that possible?? Some say never go to sleep on an argument.....That sound good advice
Do you think you can go for 60 years without a cross word?....Not me! Posts: 643 | From: Over there | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
Yes there are such couples and I would say such are those who rather challenge the world together rather than taking their negativity and frustrations out on one another. You always hear/read ‘we argue’. Well what the hell do you argue about?! (rhetorical) and if you argued once about a matter then it should be done with. I think some people are just troublemakers and they take it out on each other and that is sick. Marriage is very simple: You will be married for X amount of years and then you will either divorce or die . So during that time do your best to concentrate on: talking to one another, making love, going out, watching movies together, just chilling and just enjoy the companionship. It is really simple and that’s what these ‘happy’ couples do. If there are money issues, just make the income and budget transparent and that’s it. If it is sex, then get down to some kinky hardcore business and start from there, if it’s about raising children or whatever then hire a knowledgeable arbitrator and accept his conclusions for a 2 year period, everything is solvable.
Some people just don’t want to entertain simplicity.
Have a nice day wanderer Posts: 2079 | From: 'by any means necessary' - Malcom X | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Well I always followed that rule - never go to sleep on an argument, but if your other half doesnt then you couldnt do much about that! lol
????? I agree with you 100% there are right ways and wrong ways and you are sooooo right about some people getting personal!
AND seeing as you are all trying to make me feel inadequate regarding my herb growing skills, I HAVE grown mint, oregano, rosemary, thyme, chives, garlic and I am currently trying not to kill corriander! So there, and i was only using it as an example
Sobriquet - "Some people just don’t want to entertain simplicity"
This is also Soooooo true, some people seem to like drama, perhaps cant accept that other people may view a situation differently and then insist on proving they are right and the other person is wrong, I agree with you, such a waste of energy.
I guess thats what the Mary Poppins relationship relies on? The NEED to be right, or whether you could just let things go...hmmmmm
Posts: 644 | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
I am now stuck with 'Raindrops on Roses and whiskers on kittens' in my head for the afternoon and its not even the right film!!
This year to date I have killed..Sage, Basil and Mint, not even I can't kill the Rosemary
Wanderer I think life is always about balance...sometimes up sometimes down and when you get it right your in the middle. I don't believe any marriage is perfectly harmonious, not once you get over the honeymoon phase, the key is if you want to keep working at it, all too often people give up too easily.
Your life just sounds normal to me, who wants to strive for perfection?...too hard and not real.
Posts: 3809 | From: Paradise | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
I guess it is imperative that both couples are on board and the feelings are mutual. Now if one partner is unwilling to ‘give and take’ then my opinion is try to identify this sooner rather than later.
If the unsettling issues are major then parting ways might be best for both couples. Marriage is naturally enjoyable and many people seem to forget that.
And it is not about perfection, perfection doesn't apply to any marriage, it is more about being content, happy and enjoying the companionship. There will always be good times and bad times.
There are reasons for everything that happens in our lives. And there is always a beginning step with any issue. If a couple are not on the same page in the beginning of a relationship, chances are they won't be later down the line, after they have aged and looked back at what their marriage could've been like, it's just misery on top of more misery.
Posts: 2079 | From: 'by any means necessary' - Malcom X | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Here is a classic example of give and take:
I want to watch the Miami – Oklahoma game that’s starting in a little over an hour from now. Mrs.Sobriquet wants to go out. I’ll take the lady out but come tonight it’s ON like Donkey Kong
**Sobriquet extending his arm in the air with the index finger pointed upwards, laughing hysterically MUUUWAHAHAHAHAH ….MUWAHAHAHAHAAH **
Posts: 2079 | From: 'by any means necessary' - Malcom X | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I would like to conclude with something that might shed light into my hard-line stance with regards to relationship dominated by pertinacious attitudes. I have seen it happen and it is occurring now with a couple I know. They never agreed on many issues and would always argue, to the point that people said ‘that’s just the way they are’. Well this was several years ago, now with a couple of children the situation is worse and their problems are compounded.
I suggested to the woman that they part ways several years ago and I even said you are both very young and starting over will be easier. To which I was told that I was being very insulting. Now the inevitable is here and they will eventually part but the price now is much higher than it was several years ago.
Many marriages are happy and if someone’s marriage is not then one must logically realize the reasons behind such a predicament. Are these obstacles solvable, is a compromise possible? If not it will eat at you, mentally, physically, financially and most of all it will consume years from your life.
Just my 2 cents
Posts: 2079 | From: 'by any means necessary' - Malcom X | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Of_gold, yes i'm beginning to wish i never mentioned mint!
Sobriquet - I'm not sure how this turned into couples not getting along?, I understand what you are saying about give and take, but are you really GIVING if it is at a price??? (Gotcha!)
if harmony is about give and take then that must be without reward, because surely the reward is the harmony itself?
Its about wanting each other to be happy, but i still believe that this isnt done without a cross word or disagreement from time to time, and maybe that is healthy, i mean where would we learn to put accross our point of view and fight (albeit calmly) for what we want or believe in.
I for one, believe something far more if i am presented the full picture, rather than looking at a stepford wife!
Mr and Mrs cultural Islamic bliss do not exist in my view, i challenge that they will keep their child away from the evils of society and i challenge they will always live in harmony, they dont need to sell me their bliss, i for one will be waiting for when Miss Egypt America finally cracks under the strain and the mint is thrown at Mr Cool American (Irish, dont forget that bit) Muslim and stains his pearly white galibeya.
the clock is ticking
from Wanderer, Irish English with a bit of French thrown in for good measure
Posts: 644 | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Wanderer: Of_gold, yes i'm beginning to wish i never mentioned mint!
Sobriquet - I'm not sure how this turned into couples not getting along?, I understand what you are saying about give and take, but are you really GIVING if it is at a price??? (Gotcha!)
if harmony is about give and take then that must be without reward, because surely the reward is the harmony itself?
Its about wanting each other to be happy, but i still believe that this isnt done without a cross word or disagreement from time to time, and maybe that is healthy, i mean where would we learn to put accross our point of view and fight (albeit calmly) for what we want or believe in.
I for one, believe something far more if i am presented the full picture, rather than looking at a stepford wife!
Mr and Mrs cultural Islamic bliss do not exist in my view, i challenge that they will keep their child away from the evils of society and i challenge they will always live in harmony, they dont need to sell me their bliss, i for one will be waiting for when Miss Egypt America finally cracks under the strain and the mint is thrown at Mr Cool American (Irish, dont forget that bit) Muslim and stains his pearly white galibeya.
the clock is ticking
from Wanderer, Irish English with a bit of French thrown in for good measure
First and foremost I am glad you did not disappear on us again I thought maybe my sternness might have driven you off.
Since you are here, I gotta tell you ... you got nothing as in ‘gotcha’ nothing. I am all about pragmatic solutions that are not only practical but also maintain balance. I guess we all have different understandings of what marriage is and rightfully so, because ppl are different. Harmony doesn’t just come like that; harmony is not the ‘reward’ it is a normal marriage as far as I am concerned.
Rewards as you call them are entitlements that men and women deserve in a relationship. It is a fact that we enter relationships with many of our prior habits, hobbies, likes, dislikes, etc. Such things might conflict with the other partner because quite frankly they might not be into what we like.
My wife is not really into sports at all and the less she knows the better because she mixes up baseball players with football players with basketball players. She enjoys some games because she sees the emotion on me. Anyway so if there is an important game that I feel I must watch but she wants to do something else. To maintain ‘harmony’ she must be bribed ahahahahahaha
Seriously though, it is only right and proper to make it up to her. This could be a date to a café or whatever she wants. That’s how we do it. What do you think? You think she’ll be happy seeing me cheering on a sports team while we were supposed to be out. People have feelings and the right thing to do is to make it up to them, in such situations. I don't need a pouting wife in the house.
We actually allocate days on which we go out. This week we went out almost everyday but it’s not the norm, however the scheduled dates remain. Yes we’re married and we still go out on dates. This makes her very happy and I enjoy them immensely and my reward is she lets me live, she doesn’t nag about certain things like kool-aid or if I party once in awhile and things like that. Sometimes she wants to go shopping or even window shopping and this just kills me and she knows it but she says nothing when we stop off at a liquor store and I get my juice and blast music half the night posting silly crap here on ES. Hey I enjoy that and that is my reward for being in a mall for like 5 hours or so. These are just examples, without ‘rewards’ all hell would break loose.
Now with regards to the couple in the article, we don’t know how their lives will play out, I think as long as interaction with their families is minimized then they should be fine. The devil usually creeps from within.
Posts: 2079 | From: 'by any means necessary' - Malcom X | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Sobriquet, I do enjoy reading your posts, you get me thinking.
"The devil usually creeps from within." Now this is very true and i have never thought of it before, it is true that it is how we percieve situations and our reactions to those situations that cause the problems.
Regarding rewards and harmony, it is human nature to want rewards after 'hardship' I am with your wife on this one, a man sitting in front of football all day would drive me to the shopping malls! lol
But i think the 'date' thing is a wonderful idea, unfortunately we dont get much time for dates as we have children. but it is good to make time for each other and to BOTH do things to make each other happy, how can you go wrong then?
Changing the subject completely, when you are on your rounds with your camera, do you come accross abayas in cotton, modern ones? I am desperately trying to get hold of some and wondered how much they would cost in your neck of the woods...in between shopping malls, footie games and 'kool-aid' (whatever that is) Posts: 644 | Registered: Jul 2007
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I thought maybe my sternness might have driven you off.
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