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Sexual compatibility can make or break a marriage, say experts
By Ahmed Maged First Published: September 11, 2007
It is hard for engaged couples to be open about the issue
CAIRO: In spite of the popularity of satellite channels, the accessibility of cyber space and the freedom of filmmakers to tackle a multitude of issues, many Egyptian couples still find it awkward discussing sexual compatibility in a pre-marital setting.
Young couples hoping to tie the knot put emphasis on their future partner’s looks, family and financial situation, without considering sexual compatibility.
Most engaged couples believe that sexual life starts only after marriage and no steps are required beforehand to ensure its success.
Bolder couples say that since the issue will be discussed sooner or later, why put the discussion off until marriage is consummated. As long as the issue can be tackled within the confines of decency, what’s there to be shy about?
Experts are aware that the subject remains taboo, but they are urging couples to consider the issue, especially as statistics indicate that 80 percent of divorcés blame a lack of sexual harmony.
Many agree that to overcome the taboo, people should start by talking it over. However, the topic is often shunned on the individual as well as the group level. At the same time, the topic of sex is of great interest in exclusively male or female conversations.
Women always label Arab countries as male-dominated societies; and the old stereotypes haven’t changed. Women should be clueless about sexual matters while men are expected to be experienced and knowledgeable.
Given these obstacles, it’s challenging for engaged couples to be open about sexual matters to avoid the consequences of incompatibility.
“We can’t really keep quiet about it when our religion has openly shed light on these issues,” renowned sexologist and marriage counselor Dr Heba Kotb told Daily News Egypt.
“Yes, in Islam you will find guidelines on sex and sexuality. I wonder why many people insist on pushing it to the sidelines?” Kotb commented.
“Unfortunately, even though I have managed to set up counseling centers in many Arab countries, I have failed to do the same in Egypt. Our efforts are hampered by a series of obstacles.”
Kotb and other experts highlight the importance of counseling and education, although the majority of people interviewed said there are some misunderstandings that need to be cleared up before seeking the advice of a sexologist.
Sally Bakr, 33, is an accountant. She thinks that because we live in a male-dominated environment, girls are stigmatized if they have any knowledge about sexual issues.
“It’s about time that men understand that girls are equally exposed to such influences: They go to college, watch movies and have access to the Internet. We are not supposed to play the fool and pretend we know nothing; only a stupid man would expect an educated woman to be that [green],” said Bakr.
Yasmine Adel, 25, a public relations executive, said, “I think the situation is beginning to change slowly, especially among the highly educated westernized classes. Look back to how our grandmothers were. In my opinion, the girl should make it a point to choose a partner who is open-minded enough so that the couple can take the right approach.”
From a male perspective, Tamer Isa, a 34-year-old IT specialist, said, “I agree many men tend to insist that their future spouse is as blank as a white sheet of paper when it comes to these matters. Whether she’s educated or not isn’t the big question. Studying her surroundings would give me an idea how much she knows. There is nothing stigmatizing about knowledge though.”
Despite popular belief, Isa said that not all men are interested in a girl with no sex education, especially after they tie the knot. He said that the majority of men are not as experienced as girls think.
“Men might have more freedom but this freedom doesn’t always translate into practice, especially in an environment where to have sex outside wedlock is a rarity,” he explained.
In answer to that, Kotb stressed, “The debate surrounding experience might intensify, but the very absence of experience on both sides is a factor that will increase the chances of a couple’s success after marriage.”
“The sexual orientation of any person is twofold,” explained the specialist. “The first is physical, embodying the sensitive parts of the body which trigger sexual excitement. The second is the sexual template, which remains blank, and is shaped only by experience.
“When the sexual template of a newlywed has already been molded by practice, he begins to compare and could see the new life partner as a mismatch. The comparison could torture the partner and cause her to be branded a misfit through no guilt of her own. But she is simply inexperienced, unlike her spouse. And even when she is, she won’t be open about it and the result is sexual incompatibility.”
Kotb urges engaged couples to take instructive courses that do not focus on the practical aspect of the issue. “More exposure to the practical aspect might engender excitement that is not needed during the engagement period.”
Dr Nadra Wahdan, a sociologist at the National Planning Institute, disagrees. She said, “I am not actually in agreement that both [people in a couple] should be inexperienced. It’s good that an engaged couple seek the advice of specialists, but the latter won’t take part in the real practice. I am of the opinion that the male should be more knowledgeable so that he will lead his partner,” said Wahdan.
“And why restrict the debate to sexual harmony?” she added, “If there is an emotional, intellectual and spiritual connection, sexual compatibility will follow. We should give couples more time to get to know each other. Engaged couples are less open [with each other].”
Mahmoud Gala, 55, said, “Whether the couple visits a specialist or not, they won’t be able to be positive about it until they experience each other. It would take them years to establish that kind of harmony. And why stress the sexual part? Regrettably, many men fail to familiarize themselves with other aspects of women’s nature that are basically different to theirs.”
Kotb agrees, but says that the “initiation is important so that this harmony will smoothly unfold over the years. In the absence of education and knowledge a lot of problems will arise, which will then underline the need for specialists.”
Remembering her school days, Seham Abdel Fatah — now a 22-year-old banker — said, “I remember at school, the biology teacher used to dismiss that particular lesson arguing it’s self-explanatory.”
Abdel Fatah continued, “That causes young people to resort to their parents, seeking their advice a few days before they get married. Parents provide information based on their own experience but this may not necessarily be right. I think hotlines can serve as a good tool.”
However, Kotb said she wouldn’t recommend hotlines unless there is a way to ensure it is run by a health official. “A teen magazine once asked me about information that was provided by a hotline from a private clinic. The bulk of the information was incorrect and the tips misleading.”
Kotb pointed out that we need a reliable database to dispel ignorance about such matters. “That database should disseminate information to couples through centers set up around the country. We cannot [assume] that man knows everything by instinct. We aren’t animals.”
Dr Madiha El Safti, professor of sociology at the American University in Cairo, also thinks these centers are badly needed. “At the same time as launching them, we should introduce systemic sex education for the coming generations so as to facilitate the work of these centers in the future. This education shouldn’t be restricted to engaged couples. We need a database that would cater to the needs of couples at all stages, because sexuality changes with age and people should be kept up-to-date.”
“True, but while introducing these curricula or programs … students should be given advice about it in biology and religion as well as health classes so that they get the full perspective,” said Wahdan.
While it is a sensitive topic, taking the right approach to address the issue may ensure happier, healthier and longer lasting marriages.
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