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A new study suggests we're quite willing to overlook a man's bad manners if he's a terrific flirt
Why women fall for cads By ULRIKA JONSSON - More by this author » Last updated at 10:12am on 4th October 2007
So psychologists have finally discovered why we women fall for cads.
A new study suggests that we're quite willing to overlook a man's bad manners and surliness if he's a terrific flirt.
So helpless do we become, such quivering wrecks do we turn into, that even the foulest of tempers will be forgiven if a man has an irresistible glint in his eye.
Well, I concede there is an element of truth to the research.
After all, I have fallen for my share of bounders, and I admit that any man who is an accomplished flirt is likely to have a gaggle of women at his side in no time at all.
Flirting is always a sign of confidence, and women love a man who is self-assured.
Not long after I first came to England, I remember watching episodes of The Charmer, with the handsome, if dastardly, Nigel Havers charming the pants and the fortunes off bright and beautiful women.
I was extremely taken by him and the winsomeness which blinded all those girls to his flaws.
His charm gave him carte blanche to behave badly to the fairer sex.
The meaner he was, the keener they became.
It was something I would experience time and again in my romantic life.
My own experience of cads began long before I fell for Mr Havers.
At the tender of age of ten, I had taken the roughest, most rotund boy in our area as my first "boyfriend".
He held my hand and even kissed me — that was thrilling enough, for this boy was a rough diamond.
He was also grubby and rude.
Needless to say we only lasted weeks, and to this day, despite musing on it now and again, I still don't know what attracted me to such a rascal.
Unfortunately, it seemed to set a pattern for the kind of man I have often been attracted to ever since.
Ahead of me lay years of aiming Cupid's crooked arrow at the wrong man, or at least the wrong man for me.
For the most part — but not always — I found myself drawn towards men who were either found wanting in the communication department, or were thoughtless.
There was tricky Tony, my first proper boyfriend, surly Stan Collymore the footballer, to name but a few.
So why did I do it? What draws me and other women to men we know are naughty, or even cruel?
I think it's because some of us are keen to "mend" a broken, difficult, awkward man — we see it as a challenge and these men become our projects.
Perhaps there is an innate sense of mothering in it.
Our biggest downfall is our patience — we firmly believe that we can turn them into good and caring men in time.
The more time you give a relationship like this, and the more emotion and commitment you dedicate to the cad, the harder it becomes to leave.
Pretty soon, you find yourself trapped in a relationship that is horribly complicated, because that's the way affairs with cads always end up.
These are difficult, self-interested men who do not see it as their role to make life especially easy for you.
They are the opposite of doormats.
I don't believe women deliberately seek out horrible men, or men who will treat them badly.
That would verge on the emotionally suicidal.
Contrary to popular opinion, no woman wants to be treated badly; we're not asking for it, but perhaps there is a beguiling hint of danger that goes with a cad, which women somehow feel they can contain and control.
More often than not, they are sadly mistaken on that score.
Being attracted to a cad has nothing to do with intelligence — or lack of it — either.
Both bright and less bright women alike fall foul of cads.
But it may be to do with the love we have received as little girls from our fathers.
If, as some psychologists suggest, the way we view emotional attachments is laid down before we are eight, it stands to reason that those women with less security, assurance and good role models as children are going to have a slightly warped sense of what real love and kindness is all about.
I can explain away some of my earlier failed relationships because I wasn't shown much affection by my parents when I was growing up, and thus when I grew into a woman my self-esteem was low.
As a result, I chose boyfriends who, like my father, were less than emotionally literate, and who were ill-equipped to enter into a serious and caring relationship.
Ironically, that suited me because I could say the same thing about myself.
I simply hadn't been taught how to do it.
At home, I had never learned about real love and being treated well.
What I didn't realise was that this meant I had issues with intimacy, and so I unknowingly sought out partners who mirrored me.
It was like being two of a kind.
Even so, I still got hurt.
I think there is also an element in many women of wanting to be with the mighty "hunter/gatherer" as opposed to the studious, philosophical bloke in the corner who won't say "boo" to a goose.
As life imitates art, strangely I did end up with a real life "hunter" in my Gladiator days.
Women, I believe, have a natural instinct of wishing to belong to a strong man who will guard and protect them in equal measure.
Unfortunately, because I had never learned to read a man well, I used to mistake a man being emotionally hard — and even cold — as him being protective.
I soon found these are not the same qualities at all.
I still like a man who makes the decisions, predominantly so that I can disagree, but also because I respond to authority and like to challenge it, as I often do with my new fiance, Brian Monet.
But that is not the same as a man who is ruthlessly controlling.
I have, in the past, found myself attracted to men who would act entirely as they wanted to with me.
Inevitably, though, that temporary sense of being safe melted into a sense of being no more than a possession of a man who was intrinsically more concerned about himself than he was about me.
The biggest entrapment I suffered was doubtlessly in falling for a very charming German I encountered some eight years ago.
Markus Kempen, a hotelier, promised me the moon and the stars, and was evidence of last week's Bristol University study, which suggested that men who flirt heavily do so to cancel out other unpleasant social traits.
As it happened, his charm offensive was quite spectacular.
He made Nigel Havers look like an amateur.
He boasted callously about his prior conquests and in some sorry part of my mind I saw that as confidence.
He sold himself very well to me, making me feel he was this great catch. But, of course, confidence is so closely linked to arrogance and self-love that the two qualities sometimes become inseparable.
Once the flirting is over you are left with whatever it concealed — in his case weakness and a cruelty the like of which I had never suffered before or since. Love affairs — good or bad — are euphoric in the first act, and this was no exception.
But as I fell foul of the person he really was and our relationship disintegrated, he showed his true colours and sold our story to a newspaper.
If that was not bad enough, I was about to commit an even greater crime, taking him back.
Determined to prove to myself that I could turn him into a good man, I pursued a dying relationship.
We went on to have a beautiful but poorly daughter, Bo — who was born with a heart defect — and by way of thanking me for giving him a child, Markus left when she was two weeks old. It was my darkest hour.
So yes, I think you'll agree that I know a thing or two about cads.
The other night, I was watching Hell's Kitchen on TV, and there was Marco Pierre White, all flirtation and machismo.
It occurred to me that a few years ago, had I met him, I would have been strongly drawn to this complicated man, as if infected by some chronic illness.
Instead, I looked on and was able to credit him with his cooking skills and appreciated, from the safety of my fiance's arms, that he might become some other woman's challenge.
quote:Originally posted by Undercover: A new study suggests we're quite willing to overlook a man's bad manners
There is an evolutionary explanation for why women may prefer 'bad boys'. In a primitive world, aggressive guys prevail. Hence, it's good for the survival of the species to propagate their genes by mating with them. Posts: 374 | From: men gheir laff w dawaran | Registered: Sep 2007
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But I like those girls who say, "I like ‘badboys’ because they do it best." Well you can have them!
Posts: 1879 | From: Going to Graceland | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
I'm with you, I liked the bad boys for about 2 semesters in my college days, after that forget it. I much more prefer the sensitive, kind and respectful men. ((batting my eyes)) Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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that is true, men need to be a bit of both. Politically Incorrect is right too, we think they have strong Genes, a certain amount of arrogance is needed I think.
Posts: 644 | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers: How do you do that Alistair?
A long time ago, I figured out what I considered to be in my mind, the number one reason why women fall for the bad boys.
This article actually proves this even.
The reason why women love bad boys (even if it's for just a while) is because bad boys know how to make a woman feel desired..
Whether if it's an affectionate slap on the ass, the way he looks at her, a nibble on the ear lobe, or talking dirty to her during sex.....a woman loves to feel WANTED.
Because if she feels wanted, then she feels sexy.
This is why the "nice guys" could never get as many women as the bad boys. They just don't understand the carnal aspect of femininity.
But we do
Bad boys are not afraid to do and say things to a woman that a "nice guy" would never dare to, because we're high on testosterone..
We'll do anything, and say anything to get into her panties..
A woman loves this at first, but if this sort of behaviour isn't tempered by gentlemanly behaviour which emphasizes CARING, then she begins to suspect that it was all about sex.
And thats when she begins to have reservations, and leaves.
But, the bad boy doesn't care most of the time. He'll just go on to the next victim....and there's always a next victim
But as I said, the type of men that attract the most women are the ones that can exhibit both the bad boy and gentlemanly aspect.
These men fulfill both the passionate and caring side of women..
quote:Originally posted by Wanderer: Politically Incorrect is right too, we think they have strong Genes, a certain amount of arrogance is needed I think.
There is a thin line between confidence and arrogance.
quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers: How do you do that Alistair?
A long time ago, I figured out what I considered to be in my mind, the number one reason why women fall for the bad boys.
This article actually proves this even.
The reason why women love bad boys (even if it's for just a while) is because bad boys know how to make a woman feel desired..
Whether if it's an affectionate slap on the ass, the way he looks at her, a nibble on the ear lobe, or talking dirty to her during sex.....a woman loves to feel WANTED.
Because if she feels wanted, then she feels sexy.
This is why the "nice guys" could never get as many women as the bad boys. They just don't understand the carnal aspect of femininity.
But we do
Bad boys are not afraid to do and say things to a woman that a "nice guy" would never dare to, because we're high on testosterone..
We'll do anything, and say anything to get into her panties..
A woman loves this at first, but if this sort of behaviour isn't tempered by gentlemanly behaviour which emphasizes CARING, then she begins to suspect that it was all about sex.
And thats when she begins to have reservations, and leaves.
But, the bad boy doesn't care most of the time. He'll just go on to the next victim....and there's always a next victim
But as I said, the type of men that attract the most women are the ones that can exhibit both the bad boy and gentlemanly aspect.
These men fulfill both the passionate and caring side of women..
~Alistair
Another mailbox full of PM's by this evening. Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Prince of Nothing: Men for the most part, are intensely sexual beings..
The prime reason for this being, the much higher levels of testosterone found in men than woman.
Testosterone plays a primary role in the sex drive of both genders, and not just in men.
Very few women ever truly understand the sexual needs that men have.
~Alistair
Spare me the philosophies Alistair, Women have high sex drives too, just because a bloke likes to put it about doesn't mean that he has complex sexual needs beyond a womans understanding!
Posts: 644 | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
I agree, womens sex drive can be extremely high, sometimes moreso. *sometimes* I have to admit though, the reason I went through a SHORT phase of liking the bad boy was not the sexy element, it wasn't even sexual. It was mostly doing something I knew my mother wouldn't approve of. Dating this guy knowing if my mother knew she would DIE of surprise, the bad boy is exciting, he is dangerous, he is NEVER NEVER boring....until you get bored of too much excitement. Just like men don't really want to stay with that girl they would BE ASHAMED to bring home to mother, the same goes for the bad boy. A girl with any true sense would never end up with him, unless they "grow up" together.
Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Wanderer: [QUOTE]Originally posted by Prince of Nothing: [qb]Spare me the philosophies Alistair, Women have high sex drives too, just because a bloke likes to put it about doesn't mean that he has complex sexual needs beyond a womans understanding!
LOL, the fact that you think these are "philosophies" say alot about you Wanderer
I never said women didn't have high sex drives either.
Although compared to a man's, women typically have different needs.
Men are far more likely to pursue multiple partners than women are for instance.
quote:Originally posted by Wanderer: [QUOTE]Originally posted by Prince of Nothing: [qb]Spare me the philosophies Alistair, Women have high sex drives too, just because a bloke likes to put it about doesn't mean that he has complex sexual needs beyond a womans understanding!
LOL, the fact that you think these are "philosophies" say alot about you Wanderer
I never said women didn't have high sex drives either.
Although compared to a man's, women typically have different needs.
Men are far more likely to pursue multiple partners than women are for instance.
~Alistair
PoN
Oh please do share your psychoanalysis with me Alistair, i'm all ears...
Men are far more likely to pursue multiple partners than women are for instance.
er...yes...hardly 'complex' though is it???
Although compared to a man's, women typically have different needs.
different, how so? you mean in terms of needing/wanting multiple partners?? Again to reiterate - the mans needs are not exactly complex.
you said Very few women ever truly understand the sexual needs that men have.
now, if i was as keen a psychoanalyst as you, Alistair, I might argue that this statement says more about YOU than the male population as a whole
what you really want to say is 'most women dont understand my needs' (said 'Alistair stylie' of course)
law of probability would say that the problem then lies with you, not 'most women' Posts: 644 | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Prince of Nothing: Men for the most part, are intensely sexual beings..
The prime reason for this being, the much higher levels of testosterone found in men than woman.
Testosterone plays a primary role in the sex drive of both genders, and not just in men.
Very few women ever truly understand the sexual needs that men have.
~Alistair
Spare me the philosophies Alistair, Women have high sex drives too, just because a bloke likes to put it about doesn't mean that he has complex sexual needs beyond a womans understanding!
Wanderer is cracking me up this morning. Posts: 2953 | From: Slightly south of Azkaban. | Registered: Aug 2006
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