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Good morning class, and welcome to the Rush Limbaugh School of Advanced Letter Writing. Rush can't be with us today; a little misunderstanding on the part of the law enforcement people in Florida regarding Rush's pharmaceutical regimen. But let me assure you that he will be here in spirit.
As you are no doubt aware, our beloved president is under attack as never before by the liberal media elite. As a result of their unrelenting and, I need hardly add, unreliable and biased reporting, his poll ratings have experienced a modest decline.
I say modest decline because while the media jackals think a 32 percent approval rating is something we should be worried about, I'd like to remind them that there are very few major league baseball players batting over .300 at the moment. You might want to keep that in mind for future use.
Anyway, the reason you're here is because you represent a vital line of defense in our struggle to keep the hate America crowd from undermining all the good that the Bush-Cheney team has done over the last five years.
And the way you can do that is to monitor the slanted stories that are the media's stock in trade and counter attack with letters full of facts that give the lie to those gloom and doom-spreaders.
Take for example, the recent stories about the loss of American lives in Iraq topping 2,400 last week. The hand-wringers have made a big deal of that, but you can remind them that we lost more men than that on D-Day in Normandy.
Yes, you in the back row with your hand up. You have something to offer?
"Yes, sir. I just wanted to point out that my uncle Fred landed in Normandy on D-Day plus two and fought across France, Belgium and into Germany. And he was back home in Williamsport 14 months later. We've been in Iraq three years now and things are just as bad or worse than when we went in. I don't think that argument is going to fly with people who remember WW Two."
You may be right, son, but we're not writing to persuade people who remember WW Two. We're writing to inspire people who need to be reminded that Saddam Hussein was involved in the September 11 terrorist attacks.
Moving right along, I want to remind you that defending Secretary Rumsfeld, a great American and top-notch military strategist, is one of our main priorities. As you know, he is under attack by a bunch of egotistical, retired armchair generals, some of whom are just trying to sell books and others who are sulking because they didn't get a third or fourth star.
You don't hear that kind of defeatist talk from Generals Myers and Franks.
Yes, you again. Now what?
"Well, sir, Generals Franks and Myers are retired, too. Doesn't that make them armchair generals?"
No, it does not. It makes them true American patriots.
Another thing: Some of those armchair generals and know-it-all liberal pundits have been beating up the secretary, saying he didn't assign enough troops to handle the Iraq operation. We've got to strike back at that kind of defeatist talk. Any suggestions? Yes, you with the laptop.
"Well, sir we could point out that 200 Texans held the Alamo for nearly two weeks against 4,000 Mexicans."
Thanks, son, but I don't think that's the kind of analogy we're looking for, considering the outcome of that engagement.
Any other ideas? Yes, you there in the O'Reilly Factor T-shirt.
"We blame the troop shortage on Bill Clinton."
Brilliant, son, but it's a bit far-fetched, don't you think? Clinton's been gone for more than five years.
"Maybe so, sir, but I heard the famous military analyst Ben Stein say that on the CBS Sunday morning show last week."
Really? Well, if Ben Stein said it, it must be so. Maybe we can get him here as a guest lecturer.
OK, class let's get to work on those letters. Freedom's on the march and we must be, too.
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