after a veeeeeeeeeery long time of silence here i am again... maybe someone will remember me?
well i finally got married with my egyptian fiance and we are very very happy together.
But there is only one problem, which is the child raising issue. We dont have children yet but this is one of our biggest dreams, so of course we would like to have children some time soon. But to be honest I am very scared to end up in a big moral dilemma. Because I know that the children have to be raised as muslims as their father is a muslim. And I agreed with that as i believe that there is not just one road towards god but many. i agreed because i think that the most important christian values are found in islam aswell. but still i cant deny that i am not completely comfortable. I am wondering what god would say about this issue? am i committing a sin if i as a christian agree to raise my children as muslims?
I've been trying to find an answer to this question through many ways but i couldn't really. the protestant church doesn't seem to have any clear view about anything. the catholic church seems to forbid marriages where the children are not raised as christians.
But then i ask myself, how do all those millions of catholic-muslim couples manage? did they all deny their religion?
can anyone of you give me your opinion, or advice where i can find someone to talk to... someone who knows what he is talking about!! (i tried the lutheran church here in germany but after a few minutes of dialogue with the priest i figured out he knows a lot less than i do)
thank you very much, greetings to all
Posts: 271 | From: germany | Registered: Oct 2004
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I would not be afraid of God himself. Just insecurities. I would bother about me. How would you feel if you should refrain from raising you're children without the songs, texts, knowledge of life that can be found in you're own christian upbringing? How are you going to deny yourself? What does it mean a 'muslim' upbringing. Can you have a Christmastree. Can you bring you're children to a christmasservice with their grandparents? Can you pray with them when you tuck them in? Can you learn you're children the 'our father' central prayer in social events like burials. Is you're husband hostile against christianity or just ignorant? Why did he ask you to make such an agreement? Mainstream ideas about religion in his community? Why did you not resist the idea? You're kids will have two parents. They can have you both, or you will have to put yourself in an impossible situation to withhold yourself to you're kids. Who is giving them their islamic upbringing? Their dad? Does this include fasting? And how does he feel about children fasting? Is he a moron that does want everything according to any rule, or is he compassionate and educational about things. Where do you live? In the West or in Egypt? What community are you in, what family. Can you adapt? Can you help you're kids adapt? If you remain christian in you're marriage, don't you believe kids should have you too? If you hold a child in you're arms, the words of you're parents jump into you're mind naturally, you're own upbringing is suddenly coming back to you. How will you handle that?
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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Mixed marriages are a challenge. You can either submit to (perceived) culture and ideas of one of the spouses, or you can have the best of the both of you. Most people make something in between. But you can never deny that you come from different places and it is part of the attraction you have to one another, so you should call upon it to work things out.
quote:Originally posted by Demiana: Mixed marriages are a challenge.
I agree with that!
Saeeda, hopefully you and your husband, even though you are different religions, still agree on some basic ideas of the role of religion in your life? If so, that should make it a lot easier. Good luck, and God willing you will be blessed with a wonderful healthy family soon!
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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Talk with him, while the child is to be brought up as muslim, is he against the child also understanding christian ways. Maybe the best is to teach both to the child so that he or she will understand both religions completely. Really the fathers call in this since you have agreed that the children will be raised as muslim.
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Thank you so much for your replies. Demiana, you're speaking from my heart. All these questions occupy my mind, and no matter how much i try to convince myself that it will be ok i just cant deny that fear of having to "deny myself". I wanna answer some of your questions.
1) I agreed on raising the kids as muslims because he believes (and all muslims i know believe) that a muslim is not allowed to marry a christian unless she agrees to raise the kids as muslims. So it was something i did because i had no other choice if i wanted not to loose him. I know this sounds scary but it's the truth. I just loved him so much that i couldn't let this issue divide us. My understanding of religion isnt that it should be the reason to divide people but rather to bring them together. Besides that i see islam, as lived by him, as a very good and reasonable and rich religion which would not be harmful or bad in any way for any children. Rather the opposite. So i couldn't have any objection for him to transmit his religious beliefs to the children. And one last point is that we share a lot of values. There is some differences for sure but the most important christian values are to be found in islam aswell.
2) So as you said correctly the real problem is about me and my own feelng. He is open minded on the one hand but very strict on the other hand. Meaning that he respects me as a christian and he'd never ask me to convert (nor would i agree) but he thinks it's his religious duty to raise the children in a way that will make it most probable that they will choose islam as their religion later on. that means to raise them up with the teachings of islam (prophet mohammad as the role model and the words of the qoran as eternal truth). it means to present islam as the true final religion and the other religions as incomplete. it means encouraging them to pray starting from a certain age etc etc. He would never use force but rather try to convince them thet the islamic way of life is the one wanted by god.
3) his convictions about islam of course arent my convictions. if they were i would become a muslim. i believe in other things. i have less rules, sometimes other rules. more general principles than specific rules. and i dont think its right to follow specific rules that dont make any sense or are unreasonable. he believes that there is nothing unreasonable in islam and if we think something is unreasonable it just means that we don't know the reason for it. consequently in that situation we have to just trust god and do it anyway. (because god knows more than us)
There are clearly some contradictions. This is the reason for my fears. i am very aware that i may end up in a huge moral and emotional dilemma. i may end up feeling muted. so i dunno what to do now. give up having children? divorce is no option whatsoever, rather i would give up my dream of having children. try to talk to him? how to convince him that he won't commit a major sin if he allows my religion be present aswell in the childrens lives in some way? do you have any recommendations? experiences? maybe some book you can recommend to me? some islamic scholar has said something about this issue that would help me in my position?
thak you very much
Posts: 271 | From: germany | Registered: Oct 2004
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There really are no easy answers to you're plight. You will have to decide what you will put up with in you're life and act upon it. There are no bribes or plan's to change someone else, there is just two people that love each other and if he does want you're luck too, as a husband should, you can share you're worries with him, whatever it takes. Honesty to yourself and to him should be my lign of choice.
Wish you luck Saeeda, don't rush into things, take you're time and try talk to other women in you're situation.
I'll tell you something else. It is a good thing to act upon you're word and what you promised. But I have learned to not promise that easily and besides, if I can't keep the promise caus it is hurting me, I will apologize and work it out, how difficult it is, you seem bribed into something you did for love and ignored the warning signs till it was to late. Everyone can do that, but in our type of relations the consequences are bigger.
And yes you can do that. I read over here some 15 years ago about women who took mourningclasses over not having children since they preferred the man in their marriage that did not want any children. A womenslib magazin. Probably a topic in the 'Emma' too at some time.
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"Meaning that he respects me as a christian "
Big word, Saeeda. Respecting you as a christian would mean that he also respects that you want to teach christian values to your child. Respect means total acceptance, not only "forgiving" that you don't have the "true" religion. You may want to talk about that to him and decide then if you really want to have children.
Posts: 182 | Registered: Jan 2005
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thank you dears! i know that this issue cannot be solved easily... am just trying to get some new thoughts and ideas from hearing what other people know and think!!
of course i will talk to my husband about this issue a lot more... but i'm trying to clarify my own position before that, in order to know what i can and what i can't deal with... and as we aren't in one place right now i prefer to wait until we meet again and can talk eye to eye! (i've experienced that talking on the telephone about sensitive and difficult issues always bears a huge risk of misunderstanding each other and ending up in a huge fight...so i've promised myself to avoid it in the future)
but you know what, i got a new idea from your posts...it is to search for empirical material about how the raising of children ith two religions around them may affect their religious affiliation...
i got this idea cos the biggest fear of my husband and the reason for him to insist that the children should be raised in islam ONLY is that he believes they will be confused and lost if they are raised up with 2 religions... i must admit that i somehow agree on this point... but i never actually checked if this is really true!! it came to my mind, that the opposite may be true aswell... wouldn't children get more confused, if they know their dad is a muslim and their mom is christian but they are expected to become muslim from the very beginning????
i mean, where is the sense in this?? if i was a child of mixed parents i think i would say that i will choose my own religion no matter what you guys say!!!!!!!
so anyway... i was wondering if anyone knows some websites or books where children of mixed couples voice their opinion?? i think this would be very helpful both for me and my husband to get on with our life planning.......... Posts: 271 | From: germany | Registered: Oct 2004
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I think your children will chose father's religion because in the place where you live being a Christian is less popular than being a Muslim. Most of children will follow father's religion anyway. According to Islam your child will be Muslim regardless of you based on the fact that their father is Muslim.
I give you a gurantee that your Muslim husband will NOT let your children be Baptised. He would rather divorce you because a Muslim child is Muslim BY BIRTH.
I know tons of mixed marriages and all kids chose to be Muslims.
Also, if you were so religious I bet you would not marry Muslim at all - now to make your children be Christians is probably not going to happen. You also promised and marrie dhim under this condition. That's the problem. Once you promise, don't hope that it's going to be another way aorund. Child will also have a Muslim name because I can't imagine any Muslim man to give a child Christian name after asking his bride for promise to raise children in Islamic way.
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sharon, that sounds about right. I think it is hard for a non-moslem to understand how the Islamic religion is STRONG. It hasn't gone through as much softening, editing, toning down as other, older religions, and its original texts, the Koran and correct hadith, are stronger in language and command to begin with. I don't think a strong moslem will allow his children to be raised with beliefs that are not from Islam. Who knows, maybe he will become less religious with kids - I doubt it. Having your own children often brings up a lot of stuff from your own upbringing, and if faith is an integral part of that, you will go back to that in parenting. Like they always say, you become like your own mother or father was/is. I think a strong moslem will want the people he loves, his wife, parents, brothers, sisters and children, and even friends, to be with him in paradise. I am surprised he has not tried to convert you. Maybe this is an indication that he is not a super fundamentalist. You know, it depends so much on the individual in question. I understand your concern and I think you should try, instead of researching other people's experiences, to ask him more questions about how he intends to raise YOUR children.
Posts: 1161 | From: wo xiang xiao bian ji si le | Registered: Oct 2005
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i think you misunderstood me, i don't want to baptise my children or give them christian names, or tell them that christianity is right and islam is wrong!! hell no!!!!
and i really hope that my children would become true muslims because i know that this is so important for my husband, and for me it is ok too!!! for me their relation with god matters and their good way of life (good values) but for my husband its quite different!! for him it would be a disaster if they didnt become muslims!!! so thats why i truly wish that they become muslims... and i do know that they are "muslims by birth" because their father is muslim! but i know also (and my husband agrees) that as small children they will be only formally muslims because to really become a muslim means to CHOOSE to be a muslim later on (when you know what that means).
my problem isnt that i dont want them to be muslims. my problem is that i cant lie to my children and tell them that i believe in things that i dont believe. and also i cant pretend that i don't have my own beliefs! i have to be truthful with them about my own beliefs and values!! yes i am not strict christian in terms of church orders or opinions but in the same time i think i am very religious in the ways that god is the most important thing for me in life! and jesus is the role model for me in my life!!! in the same time i know that mohammed was a very honorable man and i truly respect him and his lifestyle very much and i think he can be a good role model aswell! but for me it's jesus and i couldnt imagine having children without telling them how great jesus was and all the stories happened to him!!! here starts the problem, i think you dont have these stories in islam! yes jesus is seen as a prophet but all those stories we have about him in the bible dont exist in qoran!!! i think that means that these stories aren't seen as important or real in islam!!! but for me these stories are the basis of my life and my values and they mean so much to me!!!! so how to be silent about them??? this would mean denying myself in front of my children and if i have to do that it's impossible for me to have children as i could never deny myself!!!!!!!
Posts: 271 | From: germany | Registered: Oct 2004
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HI there congratulation on the marriage let me tell u someting, it is good that u agreed to raise ur children as muslims, andi mean i am happy that u understnad it , but when the children grow up it will be so difficult for them. children of mixed marriages (if the couple has different religions) are mostly lost in their own religion... what i want to say is that when u say are u muslim or christian, they say both, or they say i don't know, or i haven't decided yet, or i don't care....
that is so terrible. and from outside it might feel normal, but the child, him/herself is feeling lost. if he/she knows that he has to be muslim, then he/she is not really practicing, or is not even trying to, they don't know the rulings, they don't know many things...
of course all that comes fro the person himself.. if he/she really wants to be good in religion, he/she will be, but in most cases with mixed marriages, children are the ones who pay a lot for that....
i wish u good luck !!! i am a revert myself. i am muslim and am very happy with that !!!! i guess if u spend more time studying islam and what is says, u will understand what is the truth !!!!
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I so dissaprove of what you say Yana. We live in a different world now where communities became flexible and you have to invent you're 'world' over and over again. It is a real advantage to have parents that are able to give of themselves how different they are. Children are already ahead of us in this as they are living in so many more different circles then we did as children. They can make their own world with what we give thim and we should not be anxious to give of ourselves but proud. But it is up to the parents to respect each other and express their joy in each other's believes and not fight over it. You give you're children the ability to connect with different people if you can allow it at home. They are assured that difference is a good thing and can be different themselves, be themselves, make their own choices and live happy with it and at the same time be a religious community with the people they have in their lives, whether muslim or christian. I take my children to sufigatherings of my friends or encourage them to take part in the hindufestivities of their friends, I express to them how happy I am that their school took them to the mosque. We can join in churchactivities of their grandparents and son can be a childpriest at our orthodox church. And I believe there is a solid base in most religions to connect with the living God, whatever that may tell you, it is the most important encouraging connection in their live that will remain where every religion or parents or communities will fade. And this has been handed over to them seeing their parents live it each of them with the expressions they choose to make. Religious life can be a creative force in life if you let it, instead of wining over some minor differences of literally taken acts. So, in the end it is you that will make your child confused if you as parents are in how to handle you're own differences. This is an important struggle to Saeed, the outcome will be decisive of how they can give their children trust and assurance in their lives and in their religious lives.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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I believe some of the most 'spirited' people will come from different backgrounds, as they can easily recognize the mechanisms behind religious life and not have to fall for rulebound black/white thinking. As our children having different languages. They can imagine more about the mechanism of language itself and can more easily start communicating.
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Choosing My Religion Jennifer Kaplan's documentary "Mixed Blessings" explores the choices interfaith couples make when raising their children, dissecting the familial role of religion and examining how religious choices can make or break a marriage
Watching the couples interact with each other and with their children is fascinating. In some scenes, you get a sense that the couples are confident in their religious decisions; in others, it seems painfully clear that one of the spouses "won", and the "loser" is grinning and bearing it. Eileen Lynch is unapologetically furious with her husband for reneging his decision after the point of no return. One has to wonder if the tension between them is rooted in religious differences, or in promises unkept. In either case, they cannot agree to disagree. On the contrary, Ned and Mary Rosenbaum have a reassuringly healthy relationship, having nurtured each other through forty years of religious and personal exploration, and keeping a delightful sense of humor about the struggles couples can face about religion.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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Just google 'children mixed religion raising' or something and there is a world out there.
"But also, there's nothing wrong with your children marrying Americans if you've raised them with your values and culture. They will surprise you. Have some faith. Stay by them in their struggle to adapt and make sure they know who they are before they go out into the world on their own. Give them their language, a personal God and a sacred prayer . Teach them how to use it. I know I couldn't get through one single day without my precious Lord Shiva"
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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"Fair enough, but that's not really the problem here is it? If your husband is already ridiculing your faith, how will this get any better in years to come. BTW given that you are a person of the book his ridicule is a bit hypocritical to say the least and many Muslims would be dubious about such ridicule. Put it this way, how would he react if you ridiculed his deeply held faith? Not happy i suspect. He should extend the same courtesy to you. the fact that he doesn't over something this important to both of you should be a warning sign for the future.
Quote: Originally Posted by Hobbes But again the Husband is the better choice of information.
Nail on head, as it's his precise take on Islam that's at issue here(and it seems a quite devout one, which as you point out has issues for you). All the reading in the world will only give you the general idea. Not a bad thing but in the end it's your future husbands view and your reaction to it that will decide the outcome. finding out if muslim kids can date etc should be the least of your worries."
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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I am sorry I seem to have offended you. I should have considered you're position as a revert I guess and be more distant about it. Of course there can be beauty in you're new religion and taking it up and having you're family in one religion can be reassuring on the outside but with new religion's you don't undo you're upbringing and it will come back to you when you have children. But some make this choice.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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well it was not an offend, but that is a sensative part of my life and finally that was not an easy choice for me, my reaserch was for couple of years, and it took me those couple of years to take that decision, so i knew what i was doing, and i am happy that i didn't have any influence from outside but well.. just if parents have different religions, children suffer a lot that is what i think Posts: 311 | From: Armenia | Registered: Jul 2006
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Saeeda, your children if they are like most of other children will not really bother what are your own beliefs. Most of children dislike imposing any religion whatsoever on them, however father fugure is stronger and he will prevail. It was important to him in that extend that he put that "as condition" otherwise he would not marry you at all. He would probably divorce, otherwise.
You can tell your children whatever you wish but that will probably create more conflicts between them and you. Jesus exists in Islam too, except it's not viewed as God, so that doesn't mean that children by being Muslims are rejecting you as a mother. They will probably resent you if they are influenced not to become what they are already - by birth.
I know the guy whose mother is Christian and father was not really religious much, yet he had a Muslim name, up to age of 24 he was not practicing any religion, at age of 25 sudden tragic events in his life thus realization about God, he embraced Islam more than ever before, kept going to mosque, married Christian, got a boy, gave him Muslim name and raised him more religiously than his father raised him.
I talked to his mother tons of times, and although he loves her, he doesn't agree with her on beliefs, he is proud to be Muslim and he would never chose religion of his mother simply because Islam made better sense for him.
He is not prejudiced but he would never go to church. Yet he loves his mother. So what I can tell you is this - accept reality. You are married to Muslim man, you can't avoid it - it's too late. I also don't see anything wrong with children being Muslims since your husband is Muslim and you married him, he turned out to be a good person right? So what's the problem Saeeda?
If you don't want your children to be Muslims, why did you marry your husband - knowing he has condition of this kind? You can still divorce if this is a huge problem for you. Save yourself and children from whatever you fear before you bring them to life.
Posts: 989 | Registered: Aug 2004
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as i said i have no problem with my children being muslims. i think islam is good not bad. i would be happy if they were muslims. i am just worried how i can be truthfull to myself and to them about my own beliefs. even if they are raised as muslims, i'm sure that they will come one day and ask my opinion about something. like for example "why do i have to pray 5 times a day if you don't" i might say "because your daddy is a muslim and that means you are a muslim aswell". is this a reasonable answer??? i don't think so!!! or what if the child comes and says: what is a sin? I might tell him what islam is teaching or i might tell him what i believe... it is not the same. so what to do??? these are just 2 stupid examples!!! there will be millions!!! i am wondering how to deal with this kind of situations!!! doesn't anybody have similar concerns????? or more important: answers???
Posts: 271 | From: germany | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
p.s. and yes i did marry my husband in full awareness of these problems... because there is no other man for me in this life. i would never divorce him for nothing in this world. if we figure out that we can't find a way to have children i will have to deal with that. i hope that he can too.
Posts: 271 | From: germany | Registered: Oct 2004
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They are not going to ask you those questions. He is going probably to teach them on examples, or he will take them to mosque to introduce them to prayers. They are not going to be traumatized by that experience.
They are not interested to know about it deeper until age of maybe 11, then they question more - but that's their right to ask and to doubt and to come to their own conclusion. You can't think for them.
We all went through that stage, so they will go through that as well. Even now some people question certain things, nobody can eliminate a desire for truth or knowledge from a person's life.
Whatever you say to your children or anyone whatsover - they will use it just to confirm their own BELIEF they already have formed without them often even not knowing it.
Besides that beliefs change. People make mistakes, learn, change, that's the part of growing. It looks to me that you are having deeper issues and children are just an excuse.
You may not be aware of what the issue is, so go ahead and think about it. What's the real issue?
Posts: 989 | Registered: Aug 2004
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demiana, you seem to have a very open-minded husband!!! i'm so happy for you and your family that you have found a life model that everyone agrees with!!! my case is a bit different however...my husband would never agree to be so flexible with religious issues!!! He is flexible with everything else but not with his religion...
Posts: 271 | From: germany | Registered: Oct 2004
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i wish that you were right but in fact i can't agree with you! all kids i know ask questions all the time. about all the things in their life... they want to understand everything. religion will be part of their life from the beginning so of course they will ask! i remember i asked my mom everything since i was very small...and i insisted to have a reasonable answer for every little thing. i wasn't content with fake or unreasonable answers.
this is my only concern. nothing else. i dont have a hidden desire to raise them as christians! and i wouldn't think that they would be traumatized from going to the mosque! on the contrary i would encourage them to go! please dont think that i a hostile or anything. i truly respect islam so much and i would never think of it in bad ways.
Posts: 271 | From: germany | Registered: Oct 2004
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Saeeda, I know any man can try to hide behind their religion and culture for that matter. It is a controlissue. Don't set yourself up.
Ask him how he would believe that you would dissappear from the daily lifes of you're children, could he do that? Why make a contest out of religion and you the looser upfront in you're marriage, how would he feel?
If he can let go in other area's of life, he may give you a break. Give him some time.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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consider the other way around. You're husband wants you to inforce fasting on you're children. I know it is an issue in our marriage. But I see mothers and sometimes fathers feeding their small children during service all the time, and from colleagues and friends (not only orthodox but muslims too) I know there are so many different ways people attend fasting or don't. If they want something really bad they can really fast!:-) I took dh to our churchfather and he explained to him that fasting should not be forced upon children but that you have to enjoy the fasting yourself and invite you're children to join if they can. If they can't, they are children you need to be compassionate. And yes mother's tend to be softer than fathers and I can remember times where I would provide for children where he would not have fed them. Would he ask you to inforce fasting on you're children his way? Can you do that? My husband can fall for rigid thinking, control and insecurities but I have my full rights as a mother and parent to join in, be their advocate in times and mellow him down. Can we look at the promise you made? Kids should be raised muslim, but since you are no muslim yourself, they will also have you added. Something he might not have realised at all. You have to tell him that.
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yes demiana, i agree with you fully and i think you got all the main points right! well about fasting i don't worry because my husband doesn't believe in the use of force in general - he believes in encouragement and argueing but he rejects the use of force!!! so we didnt talk about this issue but i'm sure he wouldn't force the children to do anything - he would encourage them to follow the rules and explain why its good and important but not more.... because "there is no force in religion"!!! thank god he is very educated and reasonable... a bit of the amr khaled style!!! as for hoping that he may change his views... i don't think thats the right thing to do... and besides i am very sure that religion becomes more important as you grow older and not less!! so i i think i have to discuss this issue with him now.. not when it's too late!!
Posts: 271 | From: germany | Registered: Oct 2004
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Sure Saeeda, you made an agreement but the both of you just overlooked you're role. You could ask him how he could consider you to attribute to you're childrens upbringing and have him chew on that for a while. And others for that matter.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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i wish that you were right but in fact i can't agree with you! all kids i know ask questions all the time. about all the things in their life... they want to understand everything. religion will be part of their life from the beginning so of course they will ask! i remember i asked my mom everything since i was very small...and i insisted to have a reasonable answer for every little thing. i wasn't content with fake or unreasonable answers.
this is my only concern. nothing else. i dont have a hidden desire to raise them as christians! and i wouldn't think that they would be traumatized from going to the mosque! on the contrary i would encourage them to go! please dont think that i a hostile or anything. i truly respect islam so much and i would never think of it in bad ways.
Well he asked you about it prior to marriage, you agreed and now it seems to me that you are just not so happy about it. then 2 of you have no future together and religion issues will seperate you. You would probably want to have Muslim husband and Christian children yet th eproblem you have is the fact that you gave false promise to your husband so he could marry you. You probably thought once married you will easily persudade him.
As I said, I don't think it's going to happen. He will not accept it, and you maybe ar ebetter off to marry a person of yoru faith and beliefs because you differ with him in CRUCIAL point - raising the children. Anyways if the union is good it's going to last, if it is not good it will fail so there is nothing that children can do to make it better for you, except that these issies before they are even born are completely off the mark.
I just don't understand, why did you marry a Muslim man and made a promise to raise kids in Islamic way if you really don't want that?
You had a chance to negotiate and you did not, so why now after all? What's the problem? Are you ashamed of your children being born Muslims? They will know the answers about Islam by going to Islamic school. You don't have to worry about explaining them anything. In regular schools all students can learn about any religion whatsoever, including Christianity, Buddism, etc.... how do you think Muslim can argue about something in rergards of religion unless they went to school and learned about it. You are funny Saeeda. Posts: 989 | Registered: Aug 2004
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quote:Originally posted by ' Sharon Stone ': You would probably want to have Muslim husband and Christian children yet th eproblem you have is the fact that you gave false promise to your husband so he could marry you. You probably thought once married you will easily persudade him.
What a minute. She specifically said she has no problem at all raising her children to be Muslim. That she respects the religion and knows that it's important to her husband. I thought her questions are more along the line of the practical implications of maintain her own (different) faith when her children come to her with religious questions. I don't think it's fair to imply she basically lied to her husband to marry him.
Her questions are legitimate and I think it's great she's trying to figure this all out before the kids are born.
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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That's how I understood it. I just don't get it, what exactly is problem and what Islamic raising of her Muslim born children has to do with mainting her own faith?
Accoridng to Islam, children whose father is Muslim are Muslim BY BIRTH. So no matter what's her faith, the children are Muslims and he will raise them obviously in Islamic way. She agreed on this, thus her faith becomes only hers as children will not be encouraged by Islam to follow Christianity that's why these religions are 2 different faiths.
Now if she wants to teach children about her beliefs just to share them, that's not going to change children's religion unless she tries to persuade them to be non-Muslims which would be again false promise to husband. For example Muslims don't believe that Jesus is God, as the God - Allah is only one. By believing that Jesus is God - child is not longer true to Islamic Faith.
Anyways, Muslim child can't be Christian at the same time, like Christian child can't be Muslim unless the persons convert and converison of Muslim into Christian is not allowed so this is serious issue.
Posts: 989 | Registered: Aug 2004
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Saeeda I understand your concerns and I think you need more practical advice from these kind of marriages, iam sorry I can’t help you but it seem a real dilemma. It is very difficult for mother to not pass what she grew up with even though you chose your kids to be raised as Muslims; I think it will be very difficult questions to be raised. Islam and Christianity could be similar but we have fundamental differences which can affect people relationships and you have to be prepared for the challenge before the kids arrive. I use to teach kids and sometimes they ask me very challenging questions, I find it very difficult to answer. They will be questions that could even affect your relationship with your husband if you chose to answer according to your faith. I know a lot think it is better to know both religions but that is very confusing for kids.
good luck
Posts: 816 | From: london | Registered: Jul 2006
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Even if one does have the same faith mother and father can have very different views and ways of supporting their offspring. There is an advantage for kids in accepting people to differ. Likewise there are similar values in all religions and it is enriching for kids to find out. Kids can get confused anyway, but especially if parents are confused how to handle each others differences. But people like to point out the problems of all that differs, especially in our type of marriage instead of the advantages. You need to be very secure yourself to bounce that.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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we are talking about fundamental differences here!!! so if the kid ask mum who is jesues?? how is she going to answer?? according to her faith or husband?? and these can be the simplest example. lets be relastic and think maybe of dipomatic answer that does not offend either faiths, i think that what Saeeda is looking for. people who have done that can advise her on practicle approach rather than telling her you should ask for your rights, you should ask your husband to accept blah blah.i think she has made her choice to be with him and accept islam for her childeren.
Posts: 816 | From: london | Registered: Jul 2006
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How many times I heard that it was confusing for kids to grow up with both our languages, where they really our allright with it and very talented in acquiring even other languages since they realize the structure of language from a very young age. It is not a contest but a gain. But you have to be a learned user of you're own language, the better you're languageskills, the better you're kids will be. Poor mother or father that has to communicate poorly in a language that is not his or her first and not as richly developed as their mothertongue. Poor kids. Thats my take on religion too. You can't give of yourself and the depth of you're spiritual life in a religion that is not you're own, you'll be a poor substitute and lack richness and depth. You really have a challenge always in our type of marriage. You will need to learn about the religion, culture and preferrably the language of you're spouse and integrate this in you're life together with your's to be able to help kids cope.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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There is no problem in telling kids the different stakes parents take in whatever matter. Parents have to work out how to handle these differences.
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thank you all, i really appreciate all your different answers and opinions and it helps me to be aware a lot more. i wanna ask you something different. i was talking to my husband all night long from 23 till 11 and we actually didnt even raise the child issue. we were talking just about our different faiths. at 8 in the morning he said to me that god is saying clearly in many places in the qoran that islam is the only way not to go to hell. that thinking really troubled me and i said that it can't be that god sends the good people to hell just because of the fact that they may have chosen the wrong religion!!! how come??? god is good and fair not unjust!!! so if someone truly believed in another religion from his deep heart and always tried to be a good human and to follow god's rules how come god would be so cruel and say: "am sorry but you picked the wrong religion so i have to send you to hell"!!and being too emotional i said a lot of more things that were insulting for his believes and we had a horrible fight, but then of course we came back to peace... so whatever, i just wanted to know your opinion about this issue... i don't know how to say but if this is the true teaching of islam that there is no way to go to paradise except by being a muslim then... i think we can't even discuss about having chldren because the whole idea is totally contradictory... i would never feel peace in my heart...
we started to have a horrible fight. i said how can you judge over who will go to hell and who will not? how can you know for sure? well he
Posts: 271 | From: germany | Registered: Oct 2004
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quote:Originally posted by sara_uk: we are talking about fundamental differences here!!! so if the kid ask mum who is jesues?? how is she going to answer?? according to her faith or husband?? and these can be the simplest example. lets be relastic and think maybe of dipomatic answer that does not offend either faiths, i think that what Saeeda is looking for. people who have done that can advise her on practicle approach rather than telling her you should ask for your rights, you should ask your husband to accept blah blah.i think she has made her choice to be with him and accept islam for her childeren.
yes sara thats right thats what i was trying to say
Posts: 271 | From: germany | Registered: Oct 2004
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...or to be with him and not have children... although this was always my biggest dream... but i'll have to leave it if it can't be...
Posts: 271 | From: germany | Registered: Oct 2004
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Sorry Saeeda, I know this must be hard. Love is one thing, life is just another. But this is a very important struggle to the both of you. You can't change someone else but you can at least try to challenge their thinking and ask respect for you're ways of being. You should. Even if you have the same religion.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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