posted
Ok, here is my favorite, please add your own favorite:
Two older male friends are walking together. They were always in competition with the other over various issues in life. As they walk along they come to a bridge and as they stroll across it one says to the other: 'do you mind if we stop, I really have to urinate?' the other man replies: 'sure I kind of feel the urge to do the same, I'll join you'
So there they are, both standing next to the other on the bridge urinating. The first man says 'wow, this water sure is cold'. Not to be outdone the second man replies: 'yea, and it's deep, too!'
posted
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what ??"
Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006
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Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mommy wants to talk to you."
Posts: 3188 | Registered: Feb 2007
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posted
Very mean joke, I posted it before here on ES and up to this day it's still one of my favs!
The 80 year old virgin
There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her so she went to get a second opinion. The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please, help me, this itch is killing me and I know I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin". The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
Three men, an Italian, a French and a Spanish went for a job interview in England. Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.
The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."
The Spanish was next: "I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV."
Last was the French: "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green...green...", I pink up the phone and I say "Yellow ?..." Posts: 3188 | Registered: Feb 2007
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verrry funny jokes, I personally like the camel-elephant joke a lot but you can only tell this one in English, if I translate this one to my language, it looses all its effect Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006
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This Saudi man with a PURE arabic accent (B for P, F for V...) went to london and wanted to Park his car. He asked a policeman "Can I Bark here?". Confused but amezed, the policeman replied "We are in a free country Sir, you can Bark weherever you like"
Posts: 3188 | Registered: Feb 2007
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Now who's a blonde in here (blonde highlights don't count)? Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
"For best results, put on two coats".
(I am NOT blonde )
Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
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those were all great....thanks for the laughs today. specially like the camel one, and the virgin one almost got me to spit coffee !
Posts: 1103 | From: 6th of October | Registered: Jun 2007
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This older man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
I really liked your jokes but I had hoped VanillaBS would have posted some too. If he or she puts a joke, I am smiling all day even thinking about his / her crazy jokes.
So VanillaBS : Make me happy ;)and hurry !! Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006
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John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. He immediately order David to be discharged from the Mental Hospital as he is OK.
Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died."
David: "Oh no, no, no, doctor! He didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry!"
Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2007
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I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Posts: 525 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2005
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Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this? It's because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s; i.e.,
Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2000
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la produccion es $80.
Posts: 525 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
Two Northeast Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.
"Logic," Jim asks, "what's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard,! I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a fa mil y."
"I have a fa mil y."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a fa mil y, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing. You were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand, and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.
"Logic," Bob asks, "what's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."
Posts: 525 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2005
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