posted
I am not sure whether I have put this in the right section but here is my dilema:
As some of you on here will already know I am a single parent to 2 children from my previous relationships. As you can imagine I love my children too much and will do anyhting for them, well that is what I thought until I received that phone call this weekend, the phone call that I have always been dreading.
My son, George is nearly 13 years old and English Cypriot. He is currently in Cyprus visiting is father. I divorced George's dad when George was 4 years old and since then George has been living with me. His dad stayed in the UK until George was 11 years when he decided to return to his home country with his new wife and two children. If it wasn't for a friend telling me his dad was not going to tell George that he was leaving, he had planned to pack up his house, get on a plane and leave an 11 year old to wonder why.
As you can imagine George was heartbroken when he left, he felt lonely and abandoned, and for a short period blamed his dad for many, many things. However, being the mum that I am, George came through this difficult time. OK, I might not have money like his dad but I have consistently shown George the love and affection that he deserves, spent quality time with him, been there for the good as well as the bad. I won't say that it has been easy because it hasn't, at times I felt like I was being the mother, father and friend for my son all at the same time.
George's dad remained in contact with him by phone and then last August after nearly 15 months George went off to visit his dad for the summer holiday. I worried when I saw him off at the airport that it might be the last time that I would see him, there is always that chance that his dad will keep in their with him. However, George had a good time but did return to me and life as the family we are on as normal.
George went out to see his dad recently, a few days after Christmas. Again I was sad to see him off at the airport but George reassured me that I had nothing to worry about and he had to come back because he has cricket trials to attend! He even told me to stop crying as I was embarrasing him!
With George being safe with his dad I decided to go out to Egypt for a week to bring in the new year there with good friends. So far myself and George have remained in contact by phone whilst he is with his dad. Then this weekend I got that phone call that I have always dreaded. George's dad spoke to me 1st and told me that I am a bad mother, I don't care for George, I don't love him, I am this and I am that! He told me that he will not be returning to the UK next Monday, he will not be on the flight as planned and that he will be staying with him and his family in Cyprus.
At 1st I couldn't speak I was numb and speechless and then that turned into anger and frustration, a lot of the pain and suffering that my ex had caused me came out in that conversation and then the phone went dead. I was helpless. I knew if I phoned back that it wouldn't help as I was every emotion you could think possible, I needed time to think so that is what I did for 24 hours until.....well, until George phoned to me. He said that he wanted to stay there with his dad and would not be coming home. I tried to speak to him but he appeared cold and distance. I think maybe someone was standing next to him so he found it difficult to speak as he wanted to me.
I can't describe what I was feleing when I heard those words from George, it is a feeling beyond what any words can describe. I thought that I was asleep and having a nightmare, eventually I would wake up from it all! I went to sleep last night feeling as though part of me had died.
My dilema is what do I do now? Do I let George stay there with his dad with my consent or do I fight to bring him back to the UK to be with me in the home that he has known since he was 2 years old? If I fight for him will George resent and hate me that I have brought him away from his father? Yes, I know many, many questions that I need to face and resolve.
Right now I just want to hold him so close to me that we will never part from each other and tell him that he is my baby and that I love him so very much. At the moment I don't know if I will ever get the opportunity to do that and say those words to him.
George, my son, I know that you won't read this but from your mum who you also considered to be your best friend, I just want to tell you I miss you so much, I love you very, very much and wherever you are and wherever I am in this world you will always be in my heart and thoughts and we have a friendship and bond that nobody no matetr how hard they try can take away from the two of us. I will always be here for you George and support you through your life.
George, please come home, I love you, from mum x x
Posts: 1244 | From: we come in peace | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
This really sucks, especially on an international level. I'm not familiar with the treaties the U.K. has with other countries over child custody. Plus, what does your custody agreement state?
I would contact a lawyer immediately. You have to do what's in George's best interests, and it sounds like his father is exerting undue pressure on him.
Later, let George make the decision whether he wants to stay with you or his dad. He's getting to the age where his opinion about that is very significant. However, let him do it on U.K. soil in the U.K. court system.
Good luck.
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
I am sorry, this must be very hard on you. You just can't miss any of your kids.
If you can go over there and talk to the both of em to find out what is going on. The boy obviously loves his dad and although he will be missing out on you he has a dad and wants to spend time with him. If it does not turn out to be good he might as well decide to come home again. Talk to them both in the best interest of your son. Then decide what you are going to do. It is always hard on kids. They can't miss either parent.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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tell him those words honey.. I know its hard , i went through my son moving out, but not to another country. Anyway, you have my email,,please read it, consider it.. This is one of the hardest decisions ever sweet woman and i am here for you.
posted
If you are in custody, Cyprus endorses sentences made by English judges, and George is not competent because of his age, you can demand implementation of the sentence. I should contact the British Embassy and ask them advice and if necessary, the name of a recommended and specialised lawyer.
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
George may have an opinion about where he wants to stay, but he is 13 years old. He is too young to be making the decisions about how and when and where he will live. It sounds like too much too soon to me. Also, for his father to allow him to "abandon ship" while off on a short vacation is extremely selfish and irresponsible, and an example of really bad parenting. I just wonder how much your trip to Egypt has to do with his behavior. However, that is irrelevant. If you and George's father want to arrange for George to have a more extended stay with the father, then you need to be able to communicate well, first of all. Then you need to make plans about how and when you will implement the change. Throwing this on you now sounds like punishment for something you did, and is a little bit akin to kidnapping. Spouses who pull this sh*t here in the states can be prosecuted, depending on the custody agreement. I feel for you and I hope you can work something out. In the meanwhile, I think its time to "lawyer up." You need an objective 3rd party to communicate with the dad, especially if your relationship is full of anger and unresolved issues. Maybe even another relative or mutual friend could talk to him to try to sort it out for now if you can't afford legal counsel. Good luck!
Posts: 1161 | From: wo xiang xiao bian ji si le | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
Miss Sharm, I am horrified to read this. Listen, I urge you to immediately go to the police and they will tell you exactly what needs to be done. Also seek legal advice. Are you in full custody of George? Then the child has to remain with you. George is a minor and if he doesn't get brought back home into the UK it could indeed be looked at a kidnapping case by his father.
We had a similar case right now in Germany where the court ruled that the child (around 11 or 12?) has to be brought back to Sweden where his biological father resided when indeed the child wanted to stay with his mother back in Germany. Last what I heard on the news was when the police came to put the son forcefully on the plane - and the child ran off.
Miss Sharm, I am very sorry for the pain you are going through right now. Please keep us updated with the progress you make and I hope this situation can be resolved quickly and in the best interest for everyone. You need to let George's father know that you have the law on your side and he should not put you, George and his new family through this kind of ordeal.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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Miss Sharm, this must all be very distressing for you and even more so, for your son. It's important that you get legal advice. It's also vital that you are able to communicate with your son and listen very carefully to what he has to say, even if you don't like it. If it were me, I would be on the first plane to Cyprus. Posts: 2953 | From: Slightly south of Azkaban. | Registered: Aug 2006
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Especially within the law and reducing possible trauma for the child, to talk to and assist both parents. UK based.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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quote:Originally posted by SayWhatYouSee: If it were me, I would be on the first plane to Cyprus.
Without a plan and without connections within the Cyprus government or representation from the UK courts it would make the task of bringing her son home even more immense.
It'll just put her ex-husband into traction and propell him to take more drastic actions.
Its better to think with your head than your heart.
I'd go to the ambassador to Cyprus and then find the most connected businessperson between the UK and Cyprus then pitch to that person Ms. Sharm's situation.
First thing first is a police report with your local police agency. then to the next level the UK's FBI, then to an international family law court, then back to the Ambassador and the businessperson who has most clout.
There is a line of procedure then there is policy and lastly its connections. But those connections point out the bumps and detours.
Posts: 3168 | From: If you don't like it, don't look or read it! | Registered: Oct 2006
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I saw a movie about this on Lifetime once. What you need to do is find you some ex-Marines, have them go kick in the doors, and kick some Cypriot ass!
Posts: 833 | From: Egypt | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
Sono, those are all sensible points. I would certainly engage a good lawyer and ensure procedures are properly put in place to fight this. Nonetheless, the issue here seems to be that the child has immediate doubts and concerns. What could assure him more than his mother's arms around him and a face to face talk? The boy is what is important here, not any past animosity between the parents.
Posts: 2953 | From: Slightly south of Azkaban. | Registered: Aug 2006
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Only you know the full realities of your situation but you must tread very carefully for your sons sake.
At age 13 I am sure your son has a mind of his own and if he has been missing his dad he is perhaps wanting to spend more time with him. It is a fact sons need thier fathers and really miss the father son relationship.
From what you say it does not sound like he has been abducted so if this is not the case then for gods sake don't go all out guns blazing with the law.
There is a solution somewhere in there and only by calm talking are you going to work out what is best for the next stage in your sons life. That is not to say it should not be done legally and with the backing of the UK courts but a fight is not going to solve anything.
You could start by talking to your son and seeing if he just wants a bit more time there with his dad before coming home again. Explain to him that even if he does in the end decide he wants to live with his dad that your have to see people in England to arrange this legally and he will have to come home soon to arrange this. Whatever happens at this stage keep him in the decision making process or he will end up resenting you.
If you are happy he is safe and well as I said to you this morning he will sooon start missing home family and friends.
Just make it clear now to both your ex and your son that this is not the right way to be going about things but give them a bit of time to think things over.
You must have had the court set custody rights when you divorced, so go back to your solicitor now and make sure you fully understand the legal process you will need to follow.
Amanda I honestly don't think any son will stay away from their Mum in the long run, especially not when you say you were best friends, have faith in that relationship you ARE the key person in his life.
I know this must hurt like hell but you have got to negotiate on this one, if you don't and end up fighting over him you will just tear your son appart.
Posts: 3809 | From: Paradise | Registered: Mar 2003
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quote:Originally posted by SayWhatYouSee: Sono, those are all sensible points. I would certainly engage a good lawyer and ensure procedures are properly put in place to fight this. Nonetheless, the issue here seems to be that the child has immediate doubts and concerns. What could assure him more than his mother's arms around him and a face to face talk? The boy is what is important here, not any past animosity between the parents.
From what I gather in your previous post, what matters is Ms. Sharm proving to everyone that she is a good mother.
I don't think even if Ms. Sharm came to see her son in person in Cyprus she'd even get within eye sight of the child.
What is important here isn't proving that Ms. Sharm is a good parent, but clearing her own mind and to think sensibly.
What Penny pointed out is excellent. ES usernames shouldn't be only considering Ms. Sharm's reputation, but should be considering the view point of every party involved in the situation.
Posts: 3168 | From: If you don't like it, don't look or read it! | Registered: Oct 2006
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quote:Originally posted by LaZeeZ: Just make sure your son is doing this by his own will and that's all.
You married a man from a different country and he has equal rights to his son as yours.
If he wanted those equal rights her husband should've gone to UK courts and argued for custody through normal legal proceedings just as Ms. Sharm has done.
Why on earth do mothers need to abide by law and fathers don't?
And were you LaZeeZ in the room when this phone call transpired to see the look on her son's face as this was being said?
Posts: 3168 | From: If you don't like it, don't look or read it! | Registered: Oct 2006
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quote:Originally posted by LaZeeZ: You married a man from a different country and he has equal rights to his son as yours.
He does, but that doesn't mean he has the right to violate any custody agreement entered in the courts. He needs to pursue custody and visitation changes through the courts just like anyone else. If not, this is kidnapping.
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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quote:Originally posted by LaZeeZ: You married a man from a different country and he has equal rights to his son as yours.
He does, but that doesn't mean he has the right to violate any custody agreement entered in the courts. He needs to pursue custody and visitation changes through the courts just like anyone else. If not, this is kidnapping.
if it was me, I will do what I just said to my 13 yrs old son.
I will be in touch and make sure my son is getting the life he should be getting.
Bringing my child by police and sending his parent to prison for this just because I can do it, regardless of the impact this will have on my son's life is insane. This should be a last resort if I wasn't allowed to see my kids or if they're not getting the kind of life I want them to have.
As for the law, it usually take the side of the citizen. So , he does have rights over his son custody by his country's law and she has by her country's law. endless circle you should understand before marrying someone from a country other than yours.
Posts: 1539 | Registered: Apr 2006
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quote:Originally posted by SayWhatYouSee: Sono, those are all sensible points. I would certainly engage a good lawyer and ensure procedures are properly put in place to fight this. Nonetheless, the issue here seems to be that the child has immediate doubts and concerns. What could assure him more than his mother's arms around him and a face to face talk? The boy is what is important here, not any past animosity between the parents.
From what I gather in your previous post, what matters is Ms. Sharm proving to everyone that she is a good mother.
I don't think even if Ms. Sharm came to see her son in person in Cyprus she'd even get within eye sight of the child.
What is important here isn't proving that Ms. Sharm is a good parent, but clearing her own mind and to think sensibly.
What Penny pointed out is excellent. ES usernames shouldn't be only considering Ms. Sharm's reputation, but should be considering the view point of every party involved in the situation.
It has absolutely nothing to do with Miss Sharm's proving she is a good mother and everything to do with just establishing how her son is, face to face. Putting everything in place to deal with this legally is important but of immediate concern is the child and why he suddenly feels this way.
As the boy is over twelve years old, UK courts would take into consideration where the child wants to live, should a legal battle ensue. The first and most obvious solution, to me, is to put aside problems with an ex spouse and just talk to her son about any issues. Miss Sharm can then decide what to do for the best and I wish her luck.
Posts: 2953 | From: Slightly south of Azkaban. | Registered: Aug 2006
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My prayers and thoughts are with you Miss Sharm.Isn't like men to make us out to be the bad parent............He was absent from George's life longer than u were on vacation dannnnnnng............ur son will come around and realize but i think u should try to get him back so that ur son can see that u do care for him and fighting to get him back. God knows what stories his father fed him. I'm sure ur son realizes that they r not true and maybe because his father can proved more for him financially is a reason he would want to stay. But a mother's love prevails always my friend......George will be back, u wait and see. It's so painful but he will be back have patience....Take Care
Posts: 446 | From: USA | Registered: Dec 2006
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quote:Originally posted by LaZeeZ: As for the law, it usually take the side of the citizen. So , he does have rights over his son custody by his country's law and she has by her country's law. endless circle you should understand before marrying someone from a country other than yours.
After reading about it, it is my understanding that Cyprus honors U.K. custody and child support agreements. So he should be honoring any agreement he has signed in good faith. And if not, hopefully the Cyprus legal system will.
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Yes sharm, you can force your son to come home. Before you do anything honey you need to determine if your son really does wish to remain with his father or if he is being pressured to do so. If he is being pressured then yes, fight for him. But if this is of his choice you need to let him stay, at least for awhile, if you force him to come back he will resent it. I let my son go to his father at age 12, he is now back in my home and realizes he should have never left. Honey, trust your son, be there for him, let him know that you respect what he wants and that you will always be there for him to return to. The only thing legally you should do is make an arrangement that you still have custody of him somehow so that your access to him is not completely cut. This way if he decides to come back home his father cant prevent this. Talk to a lawyer. But respect your sons decision in this, though he is young, sometimes they have to learn on their own that mom is the best thing they can have. I know its hard honey.
posted
And further, you are in no way a bad mother. What his father says is to be expected in most cases of ex's.. ignore his fathers horrible words. And your son knows you, knows you well, so he knows what is true and what is not. Keep contact with him , every day. Tell him you love him and miss him and want him home.. let him know you will always be there to return to. But you are not a bad mother..no matter what that man says.
posted
Miss Sharm, You have been given some really good advice so now it is up to you to decide what you think you should do. You are the one that truly knows your son and whether you think he was pressured into saying he wanted to remain with his Dad. Even if you feel that's what he wants he still needs to come home and sort things out there before returning back to Cypress. For instance, doesn't he have things at home that mean a lot to him that he would want with him? I'm not sure if I am explaining myself clearly but he just left for a visit with his dad, not to live there permanently. And everything needs to be in writing as to custody, etc. If you get him home even with him thinking it is just to pack the rest of his belongings, once he sees you I don't think he would want to leave again. It sounds like you love him so much and just want the best for him as I think most Mom's would. Good luck and I hope you get George home and he decides it is with you he wishes to be.
Posts: 895 | From: Atlanta, GA. | Registered: Nov 2004
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im so sorry to hear that amanda i know from what u told me other day on e mail u thought he might do this but u have to decide what you wanna do we are all behind you all my love and hugs hun xxx
Posts: 477 | From: lancashire england | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
From my own experience of divorce I would not recommend lawyers at all right now. You could be setting yourself up for a whole pile of trouble not to mention the very high cost. Try and put all other anger and hurt aside about your ex! I would try and use the softly softly approach for now. Even grovel to him a bit. The more angry with him you are the more he will withdraw from communications.
Look whats happened recently in the molly campbell case she is only 12. Difficult situation but as I say keep communication lines with him and your son open. Your son will feel torn between both of you right now and he is the most important one in this! I hope communication between you gets better then fly out and take your second child with you if theres a strong bond between them and friends at home etc he might change his mind. But as I said really don't entaganise matters by getting lawyers just yet but get advice by all means!
Posts: 142 | From: England | Registered: Jun 2006
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In almost every devorce children feel like torned between two parents. They have a father and a mother and love them both. Making a choice between these two always will give them the feeling not to be loyal against one of the two. That`s sad, and it will stay in their minds forever. There are hundreds of children taken by their father to his home-country, without any possibilty for the mother to get them back, because courts in the homecountry`s don`t respect the law in the mother`s country. Sometimes the mother manages to get them back, but not by talking, of course. And even then, children will feel like they`re not loyal. Even when they prefer to stay in Western country`s, and their father is keeping them against their will, they still feel loyal, because he is their father, and they love him. Ever thought about what this can do in a child`s mind??? Mother wants her right, and father feels he wants his children with him. For very real problem there is no solution. Because whatever the solution might be, one of two loses his rights to raise his/her own children. All we can do is respect the law. The law gave custody, and says the child will be better of wth his mother, in Europe. George is born and raised in Europe, has been hurted by a devorce between his parents, has been hurted even more because his father didn`t take his parently responcebility`s very strictly, and now suddenly after all these years, father wants him to stay in a country the child doesn`t know.He will feel very confused, because now he feels disloyal against his mother. Rational it is better to stay in Europe,stay in regular contact with his father,growing up, taking education and let him become adult in peace and in the knowledge that two people in different country`s are there for him when he needs them. He just has to feel safe, and beloved, nothing more... When his father can think the same about this problem, and mother gives all co-operation, then there is a chance George even can feel good about the fact that his parents are devorced. The embassy can be a part of this, by bringing in the right people, who have to make clear that mother wants to talk frank and honestly. They can tell about laws, rights, and what should be good for the child... That`s what`s the most important: the child`s wellness!!!
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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"international agreements – help under the civil law To date, 69 states, including the UK have either or both the Hague and/or European Conventions including: Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahamas, Belgium, Belize, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Burkina Faso, Canada (most states), Chile, Colombia, Croatia, Cyprus (southern), "
"tug of love When relationships break down some parents take extreme measures to stay in contact with their children, including abduction – the removal of the child or children without the consent of the other parent or in contravention of a court order. In most cases this is a criminal offence and expert help from a solicitor should be sought."
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Dear Amanda, I have a very good idea the hell you must be going thru,i lost my son to his mum when he was just 10 months old and i dont have to tell you what i went thru,for 15 years i have fought&fought to get him back but managed to see him just 4 times now the lad isnt a baby anymore and i feel there might be a chance,i have never told him what happened and now i wait to see what happens,my dear girl,what belong to you will always be yours,whatever happens,just keep in touch via phone,email,skype,whatever,the boy will come back home,believe me Posts: 998 | From: UK,Egypt,east and central africa..... | Registered: Oct 2006
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quote:Originally posted by maxman: Dear Amanda, I have a very good idea the hell you must be going thru,i lost my son to his mum when he was just 10 months old and i dont have to tell you what i went thru,for 15 years i have fought&fought to get him back but managed to see him just 4 times now the lad isnt a baby anymore and i feel there might be a chance,i have never told him what happened and now i wait to see what happens,my dear girl,what belong to you will always be yours,whatever happens,just keep in touch via phone,email,skype,whatever,the boy will come back home,believe me
Children are no possession. Children are individual persons with a mind of their own. Parents are supposed to love them, care them and teach them untill they`re adult enough to make decisions of their own.
Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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The problem is..children are easily manipulated and if they have this day in day out then their later judgement of relationships will be affected. As Maxman states,try to stay close and don't get involved with your ex in petty battles. Good luck!
Posts: 854 | Registered: Aug 2006
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Hello to everyone here and thank you all for your words of suppoort and advice. As you can appreciate it is all a lot for me to take in at the moment with the situation and there is still some hope that George might be on the plane next Monday afternoon as originally planned. I think until I know definately that he isn't coming back home to the UK then it is a case of waiting and seeing, but that doesn't make it any easier to cope with at the moment. I will be phoning George tonight but unless approached by him the issue will not be spoken about, I will just reassure him that I love and care for him very much and I will always be here for him no matter what the outcome of all this is.
Thank you to each and everyone of you that has posted and been in contact with me it means so much to me that there are people that care and understand. I will keep you all informed of the progress.
Take care
Amanda x x
Posts: 1244 | From: we come in peace | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
Thanks for keeping us posted miss Sharm. There are some other options. If son is intimidated to stay by dad he can (of course without telling dad) run off to the UK-embassy. Since there is a treaty it might well work out allright, maybe someone can escort him to his plane. You can give him the adress or let him know where to find it on the internet. And have him take a cab there. And inform and fax (your custodypapers)the embassy about it so they will help him get in. As well as the airline he is supposed to come home with so they may get him copies of his ticket?
We had a case over here before Christmas where two kids in Syria ran off to the Dutch embassy half a year ago and there is no treaty but with mediation of the minister of foreign affairs (among others) the father did let go of the children. The kids were very smart and sms-ed their mother while in the cab. On arrival at the embassy they spotted their dad and hid in the bushes until dad was inside the embassy. That moment mom told the children to run inside too. The boy even tried to delay warnings by removing the telephone at the home of his grandparents in Syria.
In our legal system we are now offered mediation between parents. Maybe you could consider a legal complaint and ask for mediation, someone asking son to state his wishes to a third party. You need a lawyer to help you consider this.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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It is hard for kids sometimes. My brother was in an ugly divorce where his ex-wife tried to take the kids from their classrooms. The youngest followed her but his elder son, then 11 years old refused and stays with my brother till this day. My brother still hopes his other two sons will join him when they are 12 years old and can make a decision for themselves in court. He is still upset that his sons have to grow up far away from each other. He even considered giving up his oldest son to be with his brothers.
posted
Hi You must be so upset and i can understand, but maybe you need to look at the bigger picture. If your son is like most 13/14 year olds his father will soon find out that its no picnic looking after him and may well suggest he goes home to you. And to be honest, maybe cyprus is a better place for a teenager than the uk, what with drugs, drink etc. I know at the moment you cant imagine your baby getting into these things, but take it from me it happens, no matter how good a mother you are. I would imagine that cyprus still has better values than the uk and he may form better. less destructive friendships out there. Maybe he will find his dad too strict and may beg to come home. Sometimes you have to set someone free in order for them to return. If you know that his welfare and education are being taken care of this may be the chance to show his dad just how tough and expensive bringing up a child is. My heart goes out to you. But if you force him to return against his wishes he will hold it against you during the coming difficult teen years.
Posts: 6 | From: soon to be luxor | Registered: Jan 2007
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im so sorry for this, i actually dont no what to say, im so so so sorry for this news, Its heart breaking, Im not a mum so i cant really understand how you are feeling, but i will be praying for you that all will work out and all will be good, This is truelly a heart breaking story , my thoughts are with you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
posted
Ok, you put in a very long time raising this child, you established a bond with him that is close and comforting to both of you. Wasn't the goal that he would come to be clear headed and thoughtful and fair? Is his personal presence going to be a domain only open to you? Ignore the words of your ex-husband because really what the **** does he know about what sort of a parent you have been and what sorts of challenges arise in a cross gender single parent relationship? Maybe this isn't about you as a parent at all, and maybe there is a LOT of remorse on his Fathers side now that he sees what a lovely boy he missed out on.
So what about seeing this period in time as your reward for all your hard work? They haven't quartered your son, he isn't dead. Flip the roles and make a committment to contact and keep your door open and love your child enough to experience this without feeling like he is KILLING you. You knew he would have to sort this out sometime, and well, it seems now is that time. Thanks god he is young enough to reside under a parental roof and he isn't figuring himself out in a back alley with drugs and liquor. How lucky your boy is to have two parents who love him so completely, how lucky you are to have an ex that has a vested interest in his boy. Even if George is on that plane, he has witnessed that he is wanted in BOTH homes. Pretty heady stuff Sharm, and impossible to plan.
Posts: 1071 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Its ok sweety, I know its hard. Above all dont panick. I know in your heart and mind you are screaming i want my baby back!!!!! You have held him and loved him all these years and if it is indeed his decision to stay you are feeling a bit betrayed...by life not necessarily your son. You are confused and hurt because you dont understand why he would want to leave you, you are angry because his father is keeping him after you have worked for years raising him and his father wasnt there. All you want is him back home safely in your arms. But as some of us here have said, if it is indeed his wish to stay, let him, he WILL come back to you. If he is being forced to stay then fight to get him back home. But first you must determine which case it is. No matter how close we are to our children they grow up, they want to make their own choices, and while he is young he is able to know what he wants.. and the only way for him to see it is not the best decision is unfortuneatly to let him make this mistake. Oh Sharm, i really do understand it.. Do not panick,, wait it out honey. If he isn't on that plane dont just jump on the phone to get legal things going, call your son and talk to him, heart to heart, ask him what he really wants.... Sometimes a parents love is the hardest thing when our hearts and mind scream you cant do this. Be strong and pray for him to be healthy happy and safe, let him know you are there for him any time he needs you no matter what that is really all you can do.
posted
But the thing is, it is possible to plan, that's the point. I may have wanted to "relocate" to Alaska or Mozamique when I was 13, but I had a loving, responsible home that prevented me from doing something stupid. And I had belongings, pets, friends, brothers and sisters and innumerable connections in my community... there were classes I was taking, interests that I had worked hard and long to nurture... a life in the making, as it was. This forum is filled, to a degree, with people who haved pulled up stakes, rejected all that mattered in their lives, turned away from the building blocks of their lives and started anew in a foreign world, or at least with a foreign guy, maybe a different religion. That's fine, they are adults. But for a child to simply abandon the life he has known, suddenly, is really a different story. It is a traumatic move to say the least, and one that, barring extreme circumstances, is completely unnecessary. Parents can work things out, taking into consideration the wishes and best interests of the child. I hope the parents in this vignette are able to do just that. It is a blessing to be loved, and also a blessing to be in an environment in which everyone is given the respect and consideration they deserve.
Posts: 1161 | From: wo xiang xiao bian ji si le | Registered: Oct 2005
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quote:Originally posted by maxman: ???????????,Who said children are objects to be owned?If you have nothing constructive to say then just chill out.
Quote"What belongs to you will always be yours" and then I am saying "children are no possession"
"Belonging to" means an ownership... Sir....
If you`re used to react that aggressive, I can imagine your circumstance...
Sir/madam(whoever you may be), If asking some one to chill out is 'Aggressive then i have no terminology to add Posts: 998 | From: UK,Egypt,east and central africa..... | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
Maxman, sorry to hear that you were not able to play an important role in your son's life. I assume your ex-wife/ex-girlfriend move out of country and it was hard for you to stay in constant touch with your beloved son. Hopefully he will contact you eventually by himself and although you can explain of what happened and why things went like that - an important time in the life of both of you is forever missing and you will never be able to replace it. Must be an awful feeling to have a child sitting somewhere and no connection......
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Originally posted by maxman: ???????????,Who said children are objects to be owned?If you have nothing constructive to say then just chill out.
Quote"What belongs to you will always be yours" and then I am saying "children are no possession"
"Belonging to" means an ownership... Sir....
If you`re used to react that aggressive, I can imagine your circumstance...
Sir/madam(whoever you may be), If asking some one to chill out is 'Aggressive then i have no terminology to add
No,sir! What YOU are saying is that my reaction is NOT constructive and I have to chill out! And that`s NOT true,you are twisting your own words! YOU are the one who started to talk about belongings, as children are a possession! All what you said to me is with an aggressive intonation. I can read, and I can read between the lines! You want to get your right and you have no, because YOU were the one who was wrong, not me! Go ahead and place some other discontent reaction, and sooth it with smilies....
Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
QUOTE: Maxman, sorry to hear that you were not able to play an important role in your son's life UNQUOTE
yes, a child needs both good parents. when I divorced my ex we managed, after a while, to stay on good terms (despite what he did!) for the sake of our son, who is now a well-adjusted 14 yr old who loves both parents, his step-mum and his step-grandma
Although in the early years I felt that his dad could have spent more time with him, and went to great lengths to make sure he did. Sam would like more 'alone' time with his dad, and not sharing him with his step mum and half brother, and I keep trying to persuade him to take Sam on a weekend somewhere, just the two of them. But he doesnt want Barney to suffer (the 4yr old), but Barney sees his dad every day, so he wont. I sometimes have Barney to stay over at our house cos he loves to be with his big brother.
Posts: 1056 | From: UK, Middle East & Europe | Registered: Jun 2006
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