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How to Become a SuperVillan By Richard Morris March 09, 2007
Accumulated from years of research, or watching movies and reading comic books, I have reduce the path to becoming a villain into some basic steps. While not all steps are crucial the perfect villian will find a way to fulfill them all.
10. You need a traumatic backstory. You need some past pain to fuel you rage on those cold nights in you secret lair. Magneto lost his family to the Nazis. You won't be so lucky so try and make every event more dramatic, like on reality television. You never know what might be scaring.
9. Make sure your name sounds menacing. Nobody's afraid of Alex Luthor or Victor Von Dominio but heroes tremble from Lex Luthor and Dr. Doom. Remember, alliteration is a plus here.
8. After you've changed your nom de villainy you need henchmen. They don't have to be smart just willing to do your bidding and take a bullet for you. Not much to ask when they get to be generally mistreated and threatened. They should feel blessed to serve.
7. Find out who the hero is in love with and develop an obsession. Brace yourself she will most likely be the most insipid and vacuous creature this side of a "Saved by the Bell" rerun but on the plus side she is easy to kidnap.
6. Become a genius. It is an unfortunate fact that geniuses have a proclivity toward being evil. While being able to construct time machines and death lasers they often lack the coping mechanisms of an average fifth grader. So remember hold a grudge and get smart.
5. Next on your journey to becoming a villain your gonna need money. Henchmen and secret labs don't grow on trees. Unless you create a Henchmen tree! Patent it and sell it to other villains. If you don't have a green thumb just steal the money, or hold the U.N. hostage to generate a little extra cash.
4. Now that you have funding it's time to build a secret lair. Chose wisely. The options are numerous and should reflect the villain. A base in an active volcano can provide much needed warmth and energy when you plunge the earth into it's next ice age or a domed undersea castle can provide a lucrative side business selling tropical fish to pet stores.
3. The next step is a little drastic. You need to become disfigured. Lex Luthor lost his hair, The Joker fell in a vat of unknown chemicals and developed a perpetual grin, and Dr. Doom crafted a mask to cover a tiny scar. If your squeamish then just remember tip number 10. It doesn't have to really be disfiguring, you just have to act like it is. So think bad bikini wax and let the villain emerge.
2. Now you are ready to get an arch-nemesis. Try to pick a fight with one of the big names or else you'll be the butt of the jokes at the annual villain convention in Maui. Remember you get bonus points if you some how knew the hero before they became a hero.
1. Great, now your a villain. Once your villain street cred is established you must attempt to take over or destroy the world once every 5 years or you lose your membership. Remember special concessions can be made if your trapped in The Phantom Zone or have been banished to a parallel dimension.
Now you have all the skills you need to be a villain. Good luck and happy evil doing.
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