posted
greetings everyone...happy belated new year...i hope this new year brings everyone health, joy and happiness!
well, i decided to give ES another shot and ask your opinion on a matter...
my husband and i are acquaintences with another couple...my husband and her husband occasionally do business together and she and i see each other socially maybe three/four times a month (rarely just the two of us, usually in a larger gathering)...so we aren't exactly friends so to speak...
my husband and i just found out that her husband is cheating on her (well, he definitely cheated once that we know of)...
i am really disturbed by this situation...i never in a million years thought he'd do something like this to her...both my husband and i are surprised by this behavior from him...they've been together for several years, they even lived in the states for a while and they have a few children...
(i DO realize that people cheat all the time for various reasons; i guess my husband and i thought of them as the model couple so we are both a bit upset)
the question is...do i tell her??? do i tell her that he had sex with someone else in the back room of his store??? my husband says to stay out of it, but the image is burned into my head and i feel like i'm keeping something from her...i'm going to see her at a gathering this weekend and i fear i won't be able to look her in the eye!
any thoughts on this matter?
thanks!
Penny Member # 1925
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How do you know he cheated, did you see it with your own eyes?. Probably not?.
Really it's not your business and like your husband says best to stay out of it.
Tigerlily Member # 3567
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If you are not very close friends I would not interfere. Sometimes it does more harm to speak the truth anyway and who knows maybe she's already aware of the fact that she's married to a cheater.
walkingathinline Member # 11504
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quote:Originally posted by Penny: How do you know he cheated, did you see it with your own eyes?. Probably not?.
Really it's not your business and like your husband says best to stay out of it.
actually, i DID see it with my own two eyes...i was going to use the bathroom and you have to walk through the back room to get there...my husband was showing me where the bathroom was and we walked in on them...so we BOTH saw it with our own four eyes!
Tigerlily Member # 3567
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Gosh..... what a sight! I suspect his wife was sitting nearby in another room?
tina kamal Member # 13845
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i have been thru this many times trust me ur screwed if ya tell yr screwed if ya dont if u tell she will be mad at u cas she will think yr liein she will know yr not but its always that way if ya dont tell and she finds out u know she will be mad cas u lied and cheated as a friend and think u abused her trust so either way its really up to u and how well yal know and trust each other!!! and how did ur husband allow this to happen in yr house anyway???
***** Member # 14677
posted
Three words please, Don't do it. Never be a bearer of bad news, if you have no good news to tell, button your lip, remember silience is the sister to wisdom Even if it was my best friend, I would never be able to hurt her with such awful news, in the event she found out that you knew, no need to justify to her why you kept quite, simple you did not want to hurt her
mysticheart Member # 6838
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You will almost definitely lose her as a friend however, I disagree with the others, she deserves to know. What if he does this and catches something and brings it home to her???? Then how would you feel knowing that you could have warned her and possibly prevented her from catching something. And she deserves better than a husband that cheats on her. Honesty is always always the best answer.
Vader Member # 14189
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Well, I remember the mufti saying something about this. He said not to tell, because he could change and if there's still room for change and you tell on him you could be ruining a possibly good (in the future) marriage.
yorkshire rose Member # 12072
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I dont know wht best thig is,but be sure you know he really is cheating.
Penny Member # 1925
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quote:Originally posted by walkingathinline: actually, i DID see it with my own two eyes...i was going to use the bathroom and you have to walk through the back room to get there...my husband was showing me where the bathroom was and we walked in on them...so we BOTH saw it with our own four eyes! [/QB]
Oh heck that's not nice and sounds so sordid. At least you know 100% for sure then. Hard decision when you don't know the person too well.
Surely the husband is somewhat worried that you saw him ?
PeaceAtLast Member # 14252
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wow what a flip side....as i read thru the first few lines i thought you were gonna start hinting around for a 4some or something. loooool
didi_elsayed Member # 4763
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Hmm this is very unpleasant situation for real..actually i wouldnt dare to say it to her...most of all always when you mess in something so personal,theres always big opportunity to feel guilty later on.Its really awful what he did to his wife..but if you told her..probably she wouldnt believe you anyway.If this woman was my veryyy close friend i would tell her what i saw,simply because i would like if she told me too..if she see my husband cheating on me....but if this lady is not very close friend of yours...i dont think that its good idea to mess...I dont think that she would appreciate your honesty(even the opposite).Well...think again if this is the best thing to do...or just try to go on and listen to your husband to stay out of it.
karla Member # 5472
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Hi Didi!!!! Long time didn't see you! Welcome back!
soozi Member # 11108
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Thats a tricky one! I believe in honesty, and always try to think would I want to know? The answer to that one is yes, I would want to be told, and for that reason I would tell her.
The other side is, if you don't know her very well, maybe she will doubt you, she'll certainly have it out with her husband, but obviously she is closer to him, and is more likely to believe him. Causing problems for your friendship with them as a couple.
Having said that, I would still give her the truth, it is upto her what she does with it.
desertgirl Member # 12450
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No, no, no... don't tell her at all! We have/ had friends, same situation, he was cheating on her with a nurse in the hospital... I told her, she did not hate her husband, she hated me (for telling her)!! LOL Moreover, she said it was not true! Later, she discovered it herself (secret restaurant visits, secret phonecalls, ...). I thought; Now she will come to me and say; heyyy, you were right. But no!! It is like 4 years ago, our husbands are still friends but we never go out with the 4 of us anymore.
So my advice; stay out of this!
KhrystianA Member # 13967
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Tell her as soon as possible! We women need to look out for one another!
pininah Member # 13657
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I would agree with desertgirl , i had once told my best friend about her hubby cheating on her , she was pissed at me , and said i ruined her marriage , she divorced him , after catching him several times , and we have never been friends since , and she has 3 kids with this jerk , so i have learned , better let sleeping dogs lie , but that is just my experience ,,,,,,,,,,,,, peace!
didi_elsayed Member # 4763
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Thanks a lot karla,glad to see you around too!
With a name like Smuckers Member # 10289
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I would tell.
walkingathinline Member # 11504
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just to clarify the situation...he was having sex with a woman in the back room of their STORE...my husband and i were in their store, not their home when we happened upon this...
thanks for everyone's opinions...i'm still not sure what i'll do...i'm actually seeing her tonight...and possibly him, too...i definitely won't say a word tonight in a public place...
but i'm still really torn...i know that if i tell her i'll hurt her and she may end up hating me and may even break up a marriage...but as Khrys said, don't we women need to stick together? and yes, i'm very concerned about him bringing a sexually transmitted disease home to her...of course this could have been a one time thing and who am i to get in the middle of their 12-year relationship???
i also like *****'s response: "silence is the sister of wisdom"...i never heard that before...
anyway, thanks again for your responses...for now, i'm keeping my mouth shut...
Mrs Member # 14656
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I would ask her what she would do, would she tell if she knew something? there lies your answer.
Mimmi Member # 3606
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quote:Originally posted by walkingathinline: just to clarify the situation...he was having sex with a woman in the back room of their STORE...my husband and i were in their store, not their home when we happened upon this...
thanks for everyone's opinions...i'm still not sure what i'll do...i'm actually seeing her tonight...and possibly him, too...i definitely won't say a word tonight in a public place...
but i'm still really torn...i know that if i tell her i'll hurt her and she may end up hating me and may even break up a marriage...but as Khrys said, don't we women need to stick together? and yes, i'm very concerned about him bringing a sexually transmitted disease home to her...of course this could have been a one time thing and who am i to get in the middle of their 12-year relationship???
i also like *****'s response: "silence is the sister of wisdom"...i never heard that before...
anyway, thanks again for your responses...for now, i'm keeping my mouth shut...
Ask your husband to talk with the guy. See if he is sorry or not and if he is serious with his wife. If he does not regrett or if he is not serious about his wife, than you could at least talk with the wife and ask how their relationship is according to her and if she suspects him of cheating her. If he regrets and is sorry than I think it would be better if you did not mention anything to his wife.
lovingmylife Member # 13695
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I think you should not tell.
Don't interfere in their marriage. It's their life, their marriage, their journey...
Women in this situation once you tell them are in denial.
They hate anyone who brakes up that ideal picture they have about the man they love.
Psychologically, she will experience hurt and pain and for her it's easier to 1) deny and blame you rather than 2) accept the "truth" and lose him.
2) is less painful, so highly likely she will reject you.
Another issue would be - consequences if you do tell. Feelings of public humiliation ( someone else told her and not him ), feelings of betrayel, killing her dreams of future with him, her hopes will be totally distroyed, terrible feelings of being not worthy or good enough, feeling that it's her fault, etc.
Mrs Member # 14656
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Lovingmylife, so you know this woman as well as you know the rest of us? You must be a very busy person, not only do you know what she will say and do, but what they will both THINK as well, fantastic! Can you share the secret of your psychic abilities with us?
happybunny Member # 14224
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I agree with mimmi, get your hubby to talk to him or you talk to him. Find out the situation and see if it is something he regrets. I also agree with Mrs, when you see her and whilst 'chatting' bring up the subject of cheating and ask her would SHE tell you if your hubby was cheating etc.
Hard situation i agree!
Take care all
ana uhibbuk Member # 11817
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Do Not Tell...... I would definately go with the fact that your husband told you not to say anything. I learned long ago never to get involved in other couple's business. At first the wife may believe you, but in the long run the tables turn.. The couple usually stays together and ends up hating you! Your husband is completely right by telling you not to say anything.
tina kamal Member # 13845
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so yal would rather loose a friend a dear friend in order to keep her cheatin liein husbands secret? not me i will always tell!!no matter how much it hurts hur cas in the end!!she will always know i will be here for her!!!
***** Member # 14677
posted
quote:Originally posted by walkingathinline: just to clarify the situation...he was having sex with a woman in the back room of their STORE...my husband and i were in their store, not their home when we happened upon this...
thanks for everyone's opinions...i'm still not sure what i'll do...i'm actually seeing her tonight...and possibly him, too...i definitely won't say a word tonight in a public place...
but i'm still really torn...i know that if i tell her i'll hurt her and she may end up hating me and may even break up a marriage...but as Khrys said, don't we women need to stick together? and yes, i'm very concerned about him bringing a sexually transmitted disease home to her...of course this could have been a one time thing and who am i to get in the middle of their 12-year relationship???
i also like *****'s response: "silence is the sister of wisdom"...i never heard that before...
anyway, thanks again for your responses...for now, i'm keeping my mouth shut...
It is a very old quote that my grandmother told me as a child I understand and accept all opinions, however, either way u look at it you are stuck bwteen a rock and a hard place. Personally I would never tell, turning a blind eye does not mean you condone this behaviour, outcome if you tell just not worth the risk of hurting a person. I am sure this man used protection, to lay you on a guilt trip in case he has STD is not on.
Sparkle16 Member # 13047
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It is not your place to tell her...she is not a relative or a close friend...let them work out their own problems.
ky_sunshine Member # 11226
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I would tell her also
KhrystianA Member # 13967
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Turning a blind eye DOES MEAN CODONING THIS BEHAVIOR! If you see it and say nothing knowing it's going on then that is allowing it to continue plain and simple.
Korvin's Member # 14099
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quote:Originally posted by Vader: Well, I remember the mufti saying something about this. He said not to tell, because he could change and if there's still room for change and you tell on him you could be ruining a possibly good (in the future) marriage.
KhrystianA Member # 13967
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Even if he changes he still cheated on her and that is unacceptable under any circumstances.
bokragirl Member # 14684
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sticky situation. I'd probably just lay low and and not say anything. She'll find out sooner or later.
tina kamal Member # 13845
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well if u were being cheated on what yr sayin is u would want yr friend not to tell u so what happenes happens? u think its cool for yr man to cheat on you!! well if my friend didnt tell me she was never really my friend!!
murray-mint77 Member # 13080
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I would tell !! My best mate found out her husband cheated with his brothers wife !! This woman befriended my mate got so close just so she could worm her way into this guys pants ! My mate found out and went through hell with him but she forgave him and is ok with it now. But she always swears if she had to re-live that again she would have to know so that she would be able make her own decision with all the facts in front of her ! Personally if it happened to me also i would like the truth !!! regardless of the outcome she makes as the wife, no one put a gun to the guys head to do what he did ! why should she be kept in the dark ?? would u like it ???? there lies your answer
Habeeby Member # 14429
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I would definately tell!!! If she falls out with me for this so be it but if i was in that position i would be more angry that people new and kept it secret therefore humiliating me... 'Do unto others as you would have then do unto you'...
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Long time didn't see you! Welcome back! ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)