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> > HOW TO START A FIGHT > > One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas > gift... > The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. > When she asked me why, I replied, > "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" > And that's how the fight started..... > ______________________________ > > My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in > bed. > I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' > 'No,' she answered. I then said, > 'Is that your final answer?' > She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' > So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." > And that's when the fight started... > ________________________________ > > I took my wife to a restaurant. > The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. > "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." > He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" > "Nah, she can order for herself." > And that's when the fight started..... > ________________________________ > > My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she > kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a > nearby table. > I asked her, "Do you know him?" > "Yes", she sighed, > "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we > split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." > "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that > long?" > And then the fight started... > ________________________________ > > When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me > that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to > take > care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more > important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. > When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily > snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for > a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and > when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish > cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." > The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. > ________________________________ > > My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. > She asked, "What's on TV?" > I said, "Dust." > And then the fight started... > ________________________________ > > Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and > slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and > proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 > mph, so I > pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the > weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly > undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now > with a > different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is > terrible." > My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband > is out fishing in that?" > And that's how the fight started... > ________________________________ > > My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. > She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 > seconds." > I bought her a bathroom scale. > And then the fight started...... > ________________________________ > > After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social > Security. > The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my > age. > I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. > I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and > come back later. > The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. > So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. > She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she > processed my Social Security application.. > When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the > Social Security office... > She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten > disability, too.' > And then the fight started... > ________________________________ > > My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. > She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, > "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. > I really need you to pay me a compliment.' > I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." > And then the fight started........
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