It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay rise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay rise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Holiday Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Compassionate Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be pleased to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company Intranet under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
kaye Member # 11525
posted
*claps* Very funny WOTEVER..I'm sending to friends as I type Thanks for the laughs!
Sarah02 Member # 1332
posted
LOL!!!!
Yeah it does remind me of work in Egypt! Forget about pay rise, they don't even give you your usual pay on time, I once got my pay in installments!
kaye Member # 11525
posted
Sarah02
quote:Forget about pay rise, they don't even give you your usual pay on time, I once got my pay in installments!
OMG getting installments as your pay Now thats funnyyyyy. Isn't that an insult? or is that normal for your country? WOW I'm still in shock.
Umslopagas Member # 11956
posted
quote:Originally posted by kaye: Sarah02
quote:Forget about pay rise, they don't even give you your usual pay on time, I once got my pay in installments!
OMG getting installments as your pay Now thats funnyyyyy. Isn't that an insult? or is that normal for your country? WOW I'm still in shock.
It's an insult to the company's treasury department, if they're so low on liquidity.
I wonder what their auditor would say for going concern
kaye Member # 11525
posted
Umslopagas
quote:I wonder what their auditor would say for going concern
what does that mean Umslopagas?
Sarah02 Member # 1332
posted
quote:Originally posted by kaye: Sarah02
quote:Forget about pay rise, they don't even give you your usual pay on time, I once got my pay in installments!
OMG getting installments as your pay Now thats funnyyyyy. Isn't that an insult? or is that normal for your country? WOW I'm still in shock.
It was this crappy nursery I worked for, only so I could keep an eye on my daughter who was still a baby at that time. Anyway they'd wait till the parents paid the fees, and give me the fees till it made up my salary. And of course the parents never paid before the 5th and never all at once, so by the time I got my whole salary it would be on the 15th! I mean why didn't the owner just pay for all the salaries out of her own pocket, it wasn't like she didn't have any money or anything.I didn't stay there for long!
WOTEVER Member # 11942
posted
she probably didn't want to lose the intrest at the bank
Chinderella Mammary Glands Member # 11953
posted forwarded that to all my friends whom i used to work with in a company
With a name like Smuckers Member # 10289
posted
omg this is hilarious! Thankfully I always worked with reputable law firms so no problems with that, although I LOVED the Compassionate Leave bit:
Compassionate Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or co-workers.
Umslopagas Member # 11956
posted
I believe there was more to it:
Leave for death - your own - This is allowed, provided you give us 2 week notice, so we may train someone in your stead.
That will be the day
Tigerlily Member # 3567
posted
quote:Originally posted by Umslopagas: I believe there was more to it:
Leave for death - your own - This is allowed, provided you give us 2 week notice, so we may train someone in your stead.
posted ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Thanks for the laughs!
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
OMG getting installments as your pay ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
what does that mean Umslopagas?