posted
Let's have a break from real world and enjoy the good life ...
ok, here is one:
quote: A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down.
Barkeep says, "Do you know we have a drink named after you?"
Grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?
another one:
quote: A man walks into a clothing store, asks for the manager and waits.
"Can I help you, sir ?" says the manager.
"I'd like a job."
"Sorry, we are not hiring . "
"But , sir, I am the best salesman you have ever seen . You are missing the opportunity of a lifetime. "
" I'm sorry, we are not hiring , you would have to be able to do the impossible."
"And what would that be ?"
"In the back, we have a custom made plaid, silk blazer with butterfly collars, tweed patches on the elbows, and a matching tie approximately a foot wide. I am going to lunch. If you can sell it for the price on the tag, four hundred dollars, before I get back, you get a job. "
"Done!" said the boastful stranger.
After an hour, the manager returned, only to find his shop thoroughly trashed. The mannequins were splintered and dismembered, the glass in the displays was broken, light fixtures were hanging from the roof, and there were huge, nasty gashes along the walls from the floor to belt high . The stranger himself looked as though he had been through a meat grinder- bleeding, a sleeve torn off, pants tattered like he had just changed back from the Hulk.
"Dear God! " shouted the shocked and infuriated manager. " What the hell happened?!"
"I sold the jacket!"
Amazed at the statement enough to momentarily forget the state of the shop, the manager asked " How did you do it ? Did the buyer haggle you down?"
"Not at all, he seemed happy have it. "
"Well then, what the hell happened to my shop?"
" You got to understand, sir, his seeing eye dog was livid..."
quote:A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, “Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?” “Oh, I don't know,” said the stranger. “Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barak Obama is qualified for the job?” and he smiles. “OK”, she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?” The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barak Obama....
when you don't know sh*t?”
Posts: 4021 | From: Bay Area, CA | Registered: Mar 2007
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So a consultant walks into a conference room to give his presentation/sales pitch for the new turd (a.k.a. software) his company -microshaft corporation- has to offer.
He grabs some coloured pens and, proceeds to hand write his presentation on the white board when he was interrupted by one of the suits in the room who said "Why aren't you using Powerpoint??"
He replied "because Power corrupts and Powerpoint corrupts absolutely" Posts: 3423 | From: the jungle - when y'all stop playing games, call me. | Registered: Jul 2006
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mr. bigger gets married. who is bigger mr. bigger or mrs. bigger? Ans. mr. bigger coz he was always bigger.
2.) mr. bigger and mrs. bigger had a son and named him Junior. who is bigger, mr. bigger, mrs. bigger or Junior? Ans. junior coz he's a little bigger.
3.) mr.bigger died. who is bigger mr. bigger, mrs. bigger or junior? Ans. mr. bigger coz he died bigger.
4.) mrs. bigger remarried to a man also named mr. bigger. who is bigger, mr. bigger, mrs. bigger, or junior? Ans. mrs. bigger coz she's twice bigger.
________
Okay. That wasn't challenging. Let's see how clever you are. Figure this one out:
In marble walls as white as milk, Lined with a skin as soft as silk, Within a fountain crystal clear, A golden apple doth appear. No doors there are to this stronghold, Yet thieves break in and steal the gold.
WHAT AM I?
. .
-------------------- The nature of homelife is the fate of the nation. Posts: 2334 | Registered: May 2006
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With pointed fangs it sits in wait, With piercing force its doles out fate, Over bloodless victims proclaiming its might, Eternally joining in a single bite.
What am I?
. .
-------------------- The nature of homelife is the fate of the nation. Posts: 2334 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
Oh com on guys the 2nd joke? the the customer was blind and the see eyed dog trashed the shop. Posts: 6546 | From: japan | Registered: Feb 2009
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But, Those aren't jokes, they're riddles. Do you know the answers? For instance,
In marble walls as white as milk, Lined with a skin as soft as silk, Within a fountain crystal clear, A golden apple doth appear. No doors there are to this stronghold, Yet thieves break in and steal the gold.
WHAT AM I?
The answer is an egg. Can you figure out the answer to the other two riddles above?
___________________________
Here are some jokes for you.
Q: What are two things people never eat before breakfast? A: Lunch and dinner.
Q: Why did the man put the clock in the safe? A: He wanted to save time.
Q: Why did the man throw the butter out the window? A: He wanted to see the butterfly.
. .
-------------------- The nature of homelife is the fate of the nation. Posts: 2334 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
This is probably outdated but in some cases still rings true:
quote:Q:
How do you tell the extroverted Engineer from the INtroverted one?
A:
The extrovert is looking at your feet rather than his own.
I can identify about the "unsolvable problem par" ^ (raised) to the trillianth power.
These are all taken from elsewhere:
quote:Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are. * How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."
*
DIVINE HUMOUR
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
*
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer starts designing and building improvements. One day God and Satan, who for some reason is in higher spirits than usual, meet up like they do every so often.
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. They've never been better. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God, increasingly impatient, says, "Send him back up here or I'll --"
Satan interrupts, "Or you'll what?"
God, furious now, "OR WE'LL SUE!!"
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Oh yeah? Where ya gonna getta Lawyer?"
*
A penguin was driving through the desert when her car broke down. She waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. Her car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told her he would need a couple of hours to check things out. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain, and then wandered off to find the closest supermarket. She proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After a while she got into the freezer, next to the vanilla ice cream, and ate several gallons. Then she noticed the time and headed back to the garage, covered with ice cream. The mechanic walked over to her, wiping his hands and shaking his head, and said, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin replied, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."
The next two are more intriguing than "hehheh", and the rest are career jokes
quote:Engineer vs. Manager
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." You must be an engineer" says the balloonist. "I am" replies the man. "How did you know." "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says "you must be in management." "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
A joke that women who date engineers would get An ambitious engineer decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank! Then the man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies.. Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts!
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the island. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. "Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months". She peers deeply into his eyes, "You know. . ." He can't believe what he's hearing and his joy mounts. "You mean...?
He swallows excitedly. "Can I check my email from here?
Funny career related jokes
*
The graduate with a Science degree asks,
"Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
*
A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, ''Wanna hear a MARINE joke?''
The guy next to him replies, ''Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'' tall, weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5'' tall, weighs 250, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?''
The sailor says, ''Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times.''
*
A Sailor is relieving himself in the head when a Marine walks in and steps up to the urinal beside him.
After a few seconds the Sailor finishes, shakes, zips and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. The Marine also finishes, zips-up, and walks to the door.
Just then the Sailor says, "Hey Marine! When I was in boot camp, they taught us to wash our hands when we finished!"
The Marine looks at the Sailor and says, "When I was in boot camp, they told me not to piss on my hands."
*
Chemical Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. Chemical Corollary: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Chemical Second Corollary: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious Chemical Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value Chemical Revised Law: Everything goes wrong all at once. Commentary: Bonds was an optimist.
*
Rules of the lab
1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly. 2. Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time. 3. First draw your curves, then plot your data. 4. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined. 5. A record of data is essential, it shows you were working. 6. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 7. To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance. 8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question. 9. If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to find a common middle. 10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 11. Do not believe in miracles---rely on them. 12. Team work is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. 13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons. 14. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it. (Law of Spontaneous Fission)
*
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are in a car that breaks down. The mechanical engineer says: ''Maybe is's a stuck valve''. The electical engineer says: ''Maybe it's a dead battery''. The software engineer says: ''I know. Let's all get out and get back in again, and see if that fixes it'
*
You'd have to be a civil Engineer:
If it moves, it's broke. You can't push on a rope. Water runs downhill and stands in low places. F=ma. Dirt plus water makes mud. If in doubt, increase the safety factor
Q. What's the difference between a mechanical and civil engineer?
A. Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
I'm not, but i'm somewhat familiar.
quote:>>>>>>> One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he >>>>>>> is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon: >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Demon: Why so glum, chum? >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down >>>>>>> here. You a drinkin' man? >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Guy: Sure, I love to drink. >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, >>>>>>> that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, >>>>>>diet >>>>>>> Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Guy: Gee, that sounds great. >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Demon: You a smoker? >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Guy: You better believe it. >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest >>>>>>> cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get >>>>>>> cancer, it's okay... you're already dead. >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Guy: No ****! >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Demon: I bet you like to gamble. >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, >>>>>>> horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker >>>>>>> table. >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before... >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs? >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean... >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a >>>>>>> great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You >>>>>>> can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're >>>>>>> already dead. >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Guy: Hell yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' >>>>>>> place! >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Demon: You gay? >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Guy: Uh?,..... no! >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Demon: Oooh! (grimaces). You're gonna hate Fridays!
posted
A skeleton walked in a bar and said give me a drink... and a mop.
Steven Wright says, ''I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future, but just way out to the side''.
Posts: 2118 | From: midwest, USA | Registered: Aug 2007
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quote:A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, “Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?” “Oh, I don't know,” said the stranger. “Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barak Obama is qualified for the job?” and he smiles. “OK”, she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?” The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barak Obama....
when you don't know sh*t?”
That was good one Sun!
Posts: 2198 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Mary had a little lamb,little lamb,little lamb,little lamb,Mary had a little lamb,the doctors died of SHOCK Posts: 6546 | From: japan | Registered: Feb 2009
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quote:This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
posted
U.S Navy ad:join the navy see the world,travell to beautifull and exotic places,experience unique and ancient cultures,meet wonderfull and and intresting people and...........KILL THEM. Posts: 6546 | From: japan | Registered: Feb 2009
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posted
This is an ol one,Jack an Jill went up the hill to have themselves some fun,stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son. Posts: 6546 | From: japan | Registered: Feb 2009
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posted
Have a nice holyday everyone and keep the jokes flowing!! guys!! Come on ol' guys [Clyde, Al, rasol, mam., D.,]
Let me share with this vers from the Bible [read it today]
"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Behold, your house is left unto you desolate.For I say unto you, Ye shall not see me henceforth, till ye shall say, Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord." [Matthew 23:37]
Posts: 2198 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Look, Arwa, maybe you don't like money. That's cool. But that's not how I roll.
The problem is that you see money as evil. This just shows you misunderstand what money represents. Money is just a bunch of IOUs. It's what I would give Amazon for example, for them sending me a book. Say they value the book at $20. I give them a paper IOU ($20) saying,
"hey Amazon.com, I don't have anything of value to give you back in return but here's a $20 IOU note that you can use to get something somewhere else that's worth $20"
In my idealistic mind, the amount of money I have is related to the amount of work I've done. How productive I've been and to what level I'm able to harness my creativity. In return for a high level of output, your customer hands you a lot of IOUs, cuz he doesn't have anything of value that you want.
Of course, reality doesn't work that way as the politicians and middle men have highjacked civilisation and have most people fooled that money is supposed to by anything more than IOUs. In response, we allowed a bunch of stupid and selfish policies to be passsed all over the world, and now we're paying for our ignorance.
I DO NOT believe in cheating people (even if I joked about selling some of the apres-scee in the past), so no, NOT RIGHT BY HORUS.
Posts: 3423 | From: the jungle - when y'all stop playing games, call me. | Registered: Jul 2006
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so women can see what its like to live with an annoying cunt from time to time.
Posts: 2757 | From: YOU CAN ONLY SEE WHAT I CHOOSE TO SHOW, THERE IS SO MUCH MORE YOU JUST DONT KNOW | Registered: Oct 2007
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With pointed fangs it sits in wait, With piercing force its doles out fate, Over bloodless victims proclaiming its might, Eternally joining in a single bite.
What am I?
. .
A Leech?
Posts: 8808 | From: The fear of his majesty had entered their hearts, they were powerless | Registered: Nov 2007
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What Good times, sister...The Lies of America...LOL This Obamanation is just the beginning... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYZap4zZj24Posts: 8808 | From: The fear of his majesty had entered their hearts, they were powerless | Registered: Nov 2007
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posted
Hahahaah!!! I heard one like this years ago! Is it the one where he phones into a radio show, mentions he likes Beyonce and girls who use "the mouth"? LMAO.
Posts: 1819 | From: odesco baba | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
@ Lord Sauron,why the hell didn't he just hang-up.And she is my budda call.waay funny Posts: 6546 | From: japan | Registered: Feb 2009
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