posted
A man meets a woman and they fall in love. Both are coming from two totally different cultural backgrounds.
How to make this relationship work? Or is it better not to pursue at all and just walk away from it? Its a big challenge for both of them and many here on ES have been through that before with success or with failure.
Any tips and advises would be welcomed and appreciated by other viewers. Thank you.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
The question of who brings the most value into a marriage is an interesting one and if we look at it strictly from a financial viewpoint, it could be very one-sided. In most marriages the majority of family income is contributed by just one of the partners. I would prefer to look rather at the resources, (strengths/experience) that each partner contributes to the union.
Looking at my own interracial marriage, if we were to plot a balance sheet, I would have to say that the debits and credits of both partners contribute equally if diversely to the good health of our union.
The balance sheet might look something like this:
Alberta Richard
High Spiritual Values. Good Moral Value System Common Sense. Education Financial Planning. Finances Empathy. Responsibility Most of the house work Yard work/and some house work Commitment Putting each other First Never on time. Top notch procrastinator Remembers dates & anniversaries. Short term Memory is the pits. Great Cook... Loves her cooking
Interracial marriage does bring in other factors to a marriage that need to be considered such as cultural differences, religious differences, raising multi-racial children, differing value systems, social experiences, and other related issues. These additional stresses to the marriage require a higher commitment, better understanding and more openess by both partners in order for the relationship to continue to flourish and grow.
In conversations with others and in browsing interracial chat/message boards, I have heard some, (no other way to say this), really stupid and shallow reasons for entering an interracial relationship. The only hope I see for these unions is that both partners would mature and grow in the relationship and stay for the right reasons no matter what the original reason for starting the relationship was.
There is nothing wrong with wanting financial security nor is there anything wrong in seeing your partner as beautiful or exotic because of your ethnic differences, however if you base your relationship on either of those constructs, in the long run it is doomed to failure. I view marriage as a spiritual union. (I'm not talking religion here!) I need to be committed to my partner in both good times and bad times. I need to be willing to bend, to listen, to forgive, and to be open to her concerns even if I don't always agree. I think these basic principals apply to any marriage, not just interracial ones. In an interracial marriage we just need to work a little harder and put in a little more effort.
Tiger i began collecting much stuff like this, before i entered the country. To inform myself. I am fascinated by cultural and global studies and different policies too....
Posts: 461 | From: Kelantan, Malaysia | Registered: Jan 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Tigerlily: A man meets a woman and they fall in love. Both are coming from two totally different cultural backgrounds.
How to make this relationship work? Or is it better not to pursue at all and just walk away from it? Its a big challenge for both of them and many here on ES have been through that before with success or with failure.
Any tips and advises would be welcomed and appreciated by other viewers. Thank you.
well, i was not intend to answer cause i was afraid to think i am fanatic for religion but i am serious. islam melt this borders and cultures. if woman come from any part of he world and she was muslium or convert to islam with her own and she loved a muslium man from egypt or any part of world and they was same level of education and both dealing with islamic rules about marriage relationship. i am sure it will work insha'allah
posted
In my case it did not work. I was engaged to a wonderful man who was everything I wanted, except he had complitely differnt views culturally about raising the family. He told me that if we have a daughter he will not allow her to go out with her friends at all until she is ready to marry and I had restrictions of similar kind when I was a teenager ( I had very protective religious mother and very liberal father, mother thought me to be conservative and traditional and father thought me to be independent and my own person ) and those restrictions from mother's side did not work for me because all my friends were going out and getting to know LIFE and people and I had no clue so after in later age I was pretty naive because I did not learn what people are. I was always exposed to troubles. I did not know to recognize who is good and who is bad because I did not meet people when everyone else was, and had no chance to experience the life.
Later on that cost me a lot because I made mistakes in judgments and I suffered a lot. When he told me this, I remembered how much I suffered and I broke off engagment because of "differences".
I would not say don't try but talk a lot, communicate, ask questions now, see what are his expectations and if you see that you really can't fulfill them, than walk away before you marry otherwise you will have identity crises. and end up in unhappy marriage plus don't forget other people who could suffer because of your own decision, such as your children. Children can be source of conflict as well.
I know some people who do succeed, but in my case - it did not work. And this can happen even with person from your own culture but it difference is too huge - I don't think it would work unless one person changes and fit those expactations. I get along extremely well with people and guys who had similar life experiences to my own. I guess that is a clue how to recognize good potential for successful relationship. Someone who accepts you and understand you easily.
By the way the way my father raised me was better approach for me because it was in accord with my own nature. I was never type of a person who liked to be caged and I hated when someone would impose their expactations on me without letting me just to be myself. And date for a longer time... so you know him as much as you can, talk about everything with him and be very honest and open about it. See how it works...
quote:Originally posted by MohdAnwar: islam melt this borders and cultures. if woman come from any part of he world and she was muslium or convert to islam with her own and she loved a muslium man from egypt or any part of world and they was same level of education and both dealing with islamic rules about marriage relationship. i am sure it will work insha'allah
Dear Mohd you REALLY do not understand anything then. No relationship wins from one part's total submission but instead why don't you extend your views by understanding your partner who is from a different religion or even (in theory) without religion. Whether your aggression tactic is melting or freezing is of no importance - it reveals you do not ab-so-lu-te-ly respect the value of different views outside islam, or actually most values of islam I thing exist better outside of islam so it is difficult to understand whether islam has any individual, original value at all, but we, nonbelievers and different-believers, still take extraordinary amonts of patience to try see at least some value in your religion, evem if it is simply a repetition of our totally humanistic values.
Yes, you are a fanatic in this sense, I guess to blindly believe and never doubt, ńever question, is not possible without certain fanatism. Just try be a friendly fanatic, OK?
posted
Opposites attract, not to mention the charm of an exotic partner. However, increased number of challenges as two different cultures/religions clash requires some serious brain bending and tough decisions. Sometimes it's for the best to give up, cry into the pillow for a couple of days but save the serious heartache in future. Cold but true. Open communication is a MUST in multicultural unions and all the major issues should be covered BEFORE marriage. I know it is damn hard to a)admit b)speak c)face the truth and take the 'heartless' action but the rewards are priceless. It is never too late to ask our brain for advice and I couldn't stress it more: please do if BEFORE the kids are born. They at least deserve a fair start since life refuses any type of guarantees for a 'bright future special pack' thing.
posted
Sharon, good job on letting go of the guy who did not fit as your partner and father of your children. If we thought and took actions like that more often, there would be so much more happiness and so much less fangs around... Sigh.
Posts: 2238 | From: Mother Earth | Registered: Jun 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Hi! jannah, did u see my page? i put it onto my profile here... not quite the same as meeting for sundaes, but still u can see what i look like anyway! take care....
Posts: 461 | From: Kelantan, Malaysia | Registered: Jan 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by MohdAnwar: islam melt this borders and cultures. if woman come from any part of he world and she was muslium or convert to islam with her own and she loved a muslium man from egypt or any part of world and they was same level of education and both dealing with islamic rules about marriage relationship. i am sure it will work insha'allah
Religion and culture are two different pairs of shoes and even if both partners are of the same religion the cultural differences will still be there.
I'm not saying it won't work, btw, I just think that one partner converting is not the easy solution as you seem to be suggesting.
quote:Originally posted by MohdAnwar: well, i was not intend to answer cause i was afraid to think i am fanatic for religion but i am serious. islam melt this borders and cultures. if woman come from any part of he world and she was muslium or convert to islam with her own and she loved a muslium man from egypt or any part of world and they was same level of education and both dealing with islamic rules about marriage relationship. i am sure it will work insha'allah
mohamed
Mohamed,
Thank you for your views. I think it is very true that two people who value religion in a similar manner and try to live by simliar values (religious or otherwise) probably have a better chance at a rewarding and fulfilling marriage. Please do not listen to Nevermind, who is being very rude. Just because something is *not* important to him/her doesn't mean it isn't important to others and a great bond that two people can share.
Susan
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by nevermind: Dear Mohd you REALLY do not understand anything then. No relationship wins from one part's total submission but instead why don't you extend your views by understanding your partner who is from a different religion or even (in theory) without religion. Whether your aggression tactic is melting or freezing is of no importance - it reveals you do not ab-so-lu-te-ly respect the value of different views outside islam, or actually most values of islam I thing exist better outside of islam so it is difficult to understand whether islam has any individual, original value at all, but we, nonbelievers and different-believers, still take extraordinary amonts of patience to try see at least some value in your religion, evem if it is simply a repetition of our totally humanistic values.
Yes, you are a fanatic in this sense, I guess to blindly believe and never doubt, ñever question, is not possible without certain fanatism. Just try be a friendly fanatic, OK?
You *can* disagree with someone without being so mean, ya know.
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by nevermind: Dear Mohd you REALLY do not understand anything then. No relationship wins from one part's total submission but instead why don't you extend your views by understanding your partner who is from a different religion or even (in theory) without religion. Whether your aggression tactic is melting or freezing is of no importance - it reveals you do not ab-so-lu-te-ly respect the value of different views outside islam, or actually most values of islam I thing exist better outside of islam so it is difficult to understand whether islam has any individual, original value at all, but we, nonbelievers and different-believers, still take extraordinary amonts of patience to try see at least some value in your religion, evem if it is simply a repetition of our totally humanistic values.
Yes, you are a fanatic in this sense, I guess to blindly believe and never doubt, ñever question, is not possible without certain fanatism. Just try be a friendly fanatic, OK?
the guy meant no harm , maybe his answer wasnt complete enough to include women with different religion and the non-believers it's not fair to insult him and call him a fanatic. take it easy *shrug*
Thank you for your views. I think it is very true that two people who value religion in a similar manner and try to live by simliar values (religious or otherwise) probably have a better chance at a rewarding and fulfilling marriage. Please do not listen to Nevermind, who is being very rude. Just because something is *not* important to him/her doesn't mean it isn't important to others and a great bond that two people can share.
Susan
i agree with u.i also think that if ppl have the same understanding of religion and they r the same religion and respect each others opinion they have more chances to create good family.even i can say from my life,my bf is very strict,but am not arab,am foreigner,open minded and i dont think havin male friends is bad,but am moslim and am trying to satify my bf as much as i can,am patient as my religion tells me to be,and believe me it helps.am sure someone will say that i blindly follow my bf,but its not true,i follow my religion which helps me to be good and create good family inshallah.
quote:Originally posted by nevermind: Dear Mohd you REALLY do not understand anything then. No relationship wins from one part's total submission but instead why don't you extend your views by understanding your partner who is from a different religion or even (in theory) without religion. Whether your aggression tactic is melting or freezing is of no importance - it reveals you do not ab-so-lu-te-ly respect the value of different views outside islam, or actually most values of islam I thing exist better outside of islam so it is difficult to understand whether islam has any individual, original value at all, but we, nonbelievers and different-believers, still take extraordinary amonts of patience to try see at least some value in your religion, evem if it is simply a repetition of our totally humanistic values.
Yes, you are a fanatic in this sense, I guess to blindly believe and never doubt, ñever question, is not possible without certain fanatism. Just try be a friendly fanatic, OK?
First I thank all ppl who understand me and my point of view
second : Dear nevermind i really talk from a personal experince i have some of my friends married to germany womans who converted to islam and they living very happy. i am not saying that all relation ship outside islam must be failed i am just giving u a tursted way for being happy in your relation with your partner if u are from different cultures and countries.
i am sorry if i annoyed u by anyway cause i feel i touched something concern your life and which made u nervous. wish u a happy life
quote:Originally posted by Tigerlily: A man meets a woman and they fall in love. Both are coming from two totally different cultural backgrounds.
How to make this relationship work? Or is it better not to pursue at all and just walk away from it? Its a big challenge for both of them and many here on ES have been through that before with success or with failure.
Any tips and advises would be welcomed and appreciated by other viewers. Thank you.
the ancient Greek Philosophers had said:
"ÅÑÙÓ ÁÍÉÊÁÔÅ ÌÁ×ÁÍ" (eros anikate mahan) that it means "LOVE unbeatable in battle"!
no one and nothing cannot overcome the love! when exists real love and not simply enthusiasm all thinks become truth!
posted
Dear MohdAnwar, I believe the beliefs of BOTH partners should be equally respected in a partnership. Thus, if you happened to be my partner then the way you can show respect is to approve of my atheism, agnosticism, humanism or whatever. Do you see that kind of respect from muslims? or from muslims towards their prospective spouses? Yes, she has to respect you, but where is your respect?
And: dear Snoozing and Humanized - where is your respect towards my opinion? I am not mean because I am simply not a mean person, I'm a philantropist and altruist. I'm simply outspoken and I say exactly what you mean. Are you suggesting I should lie, or what? Or talk as if you were 2-year old toddlers? What is your problem with tolerating simple, unemotional truth?? Have a nice Sunday!!!
quote:Originally posted by nevermind: Dear MohdAnwar, I believe the beliefs of BOTH partners should be equally respected in a partnership. Thus, if you happened to be my partner then the way you can show respect is to approve of my atheism, agnosticism, humanism or whatever. Do you see that kind of respect from muslims? or from muslims towards their prospective spouses? Yes, she has to respect you, but where is your respect?
And: dear Snoozing and Humanized - where is your respect towards my opinion? I am not mean because I am simply not a mean person, I'm a philantropist and altruist. I'm simply outspoken and I say exactly what you mean. Are you suggesting I should lie, or what? Or talk as if you were 2-year old toddlers? What is your problem with tolerating simple, unemotional truth?? Have a nice Sunday!!!
hi nevermind your posts are very interesting to me , and i always hurry to read them bcoz you are outspoken , my point was : some ppl might give opinions according to their experience and not including all points of view doesnt mean their disrespect to anyone else ...
posted
Well,i felt in love 4years ago with my egyptian husband.. I hate some culture difference ,sometimes i make very hard time to my husband,sometimes i can keep my mouth shut.. Anyway, we have wonderful,real love..it give us power to handle all problems. My husband is very open minded, i'm lucky..because i think that with my personality,marriage cannot work,if my husband is very religion one,or very tradition one.. I cant change much myself..i dont want.. and i dont need. My husband loves me,even i'm crazy,stupid,selffish,strange litle girl
One of my friend was many years having arab boyfriend. They was very much in love. But they didnt find compromise,how to have the future together..both of them were intrested to get nice worklife,and this girl didnt want to move to man's country, and man didnt want to move girl's country.. So they make very hard choice,they gave up their love.. Love is not all life for all people.. For me,it is all life..work is not important,my own family is,but i can live faraway from them,but i cant live faraway from my husband.. I miss very much to my own country, but i can live here,because of love for my husband.
But even i love my husband so much..i could never change my religion or cultural things for him..nobady can ask so much..real love give freedom to be,what u are.it doesnt matter..
posted
ohhhhhhh puppy,this sound so great!You make me feel romantic ha ha About the cultural differences,yes they are so much! Sharon_Stone,really mutual desigion to end up,before you made new life,and make your kids to suffer from your not understandings! I`m quite sure,that any lady married an arab man is very well known whats will be her future!The differences are not little,his mind is complitely different,his acceptions and even the religion is different,and they must decideif they can accept each other as they are,and about the topic for the children too!If she accept all the conditions from the beginning,and she really agree with him,then its her own choise,and after that theres noone to blame for it! In my case we talked a lot before we marry,we discuss all these things,and for many we had arguments,i wasnt ready for all this change!I`m very stubborn,and know very well what i want,what i like,and what i can accept! Im decided to marry my husband no matter all differences because i really loved him,and i am sure that he really loves me dearly too! I am ready for all that happens now,and what will happen in future,i respect him,im faithful with him,and respect his religion and ideas,without i change mine(which he respect too)!I`m happy with him,no matter all difficulties which we pass through(and they are a lot)! From my side i can say that relationship like this CAN work even very good,when you respect each other,love,and make compromises!Who thinks that without compromises will work out,he lie himself so good,and close his/her eyes infront of the cold true!If you are not ready for this then give up before it happens! I didnt,& i am HAPPY!!! To all couples like us,i wish lots of love and happiness! God keep you! Posts: 1134 | From: NoNe oF uR BuSiNeS | Registered: Jul 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
What is meant to be will be no matter what. That is what remains after all His Almighty Will.
Posts: 3903 | From: The Moon | Registered: Feb 2005
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Tigerlily: A man meets a woman and they fall in love. Both are coming from two totally different cultural backgrounds.
How to make this relationship work? Or is it better not to pursue at all and just walk away from it? Its a big challenge for both of them and many here on ES have been through that before with success or with failure.
Any tips and advises would be welcomed and appreciated by other viewers. Thank you.
I wish all Arab gurls marry western men n all arab men marry western ladies, that the ultimate solution beleive me, we get rid of them n we have fun both...lol
quote:Originally posted by Corvinous: I wish all Arab gurls marry western men n all arab men marry western ladies, that the ultimate solution beleive me, we get rid of them n we have fun both...lol
What an excellent idea maybe the world would be a better place to live in.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Corvinous: I wish all Arab gurls marry western men n all arab men marry western ladies, that the ultimate solution beleive me, we get rid of them n we have fun both...lol
can you please stop being so rude? i am an arab woman and i'm proud of it. if you don't like arab women thats your taste. but don't go insulting people by saying stuff like getting "rid of them"
Posts: 4446 | From: Egyptian in Sydney | Registered: Mar 2005
| IP: Logged |
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
and end up in unhappy marriage plus don't forget other people who could suffer because of your own decision, such as your children. Children can be source of conflict as well.
However, increased number of challenges as two different cultures/religions clash requires some serious brain bending and tough decisions. Sometimes it's for the best to give up, cry into the pillow for a couple of days but save the serious heartache in future. Cold but true. Open communication is a MUST in multicultural unions and all the major issues should be covered BEFORE marriage. I know it is damn hard to a)admit b)speak c)face the truth and take the 'heartless' action but the rewards are priceless. It is never too late to ask our brain for advice and I couldn't stress it more: please do if BEFORE the kids are born. They at least deserve a fair start since life refuses any type of guarantees for a 'bright future special pack' thing. 
Printer-friendly view of this topic