I'd appericate some fed back on a sticky situation. I ran away from my husband in egypt, after 7 years, just got fed up and had enough, felt like a door mat. unloved, not needed and unappericated.
He recently called and asked me to go back. I miss him terribly and don't have any friends here to help me.
My family don't want me to go back. I miss my home and I miss him and still love him very much. Any ideas???
Thanks
Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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How long has it been since you left him? Where are you now (are you Egyptian?) Did you have children together?
Do you really love him if he made you feel unloved and unappreciated, you say you felt like a doormat...so I wonder what about him you miss? Is it just the thought of how you wished he were?
Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Why do you feel that you won't be a doormat, be loved, needed and appreciated. Unless you feel that will change then you are just going to end up in the same situation you were before.
So why do you feel it will be different now
If you are contemplating going back even though none of this has changed then i think you are being flase to yourself.
How long have you been apart?
-------------------- Jane Akshar UK Co-owner of www.flatsinluxor.co.uk Appartments and Tours in Luxor Posts: 2791 | From: www.flatsinluxor.co.uk, Luxor, Egypt | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
The two of you should talk. How can you make things better in your life with your husband in Egypt. How can you make a life for yourself. How can you feel appreciated and loved and how can he make you feel appreciated and loved. What do you want out of life and what does he want. And can the both of you live with that. I advice you to do the whole engagementcircus all over again. And listen carefully. If it is not what you want the both of you know what to do. If you believe your husband is worth it and you can talk to him, open up your hart to him and be honest.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
everyone deserves a second chance... give him that.. but that only. go back to him, but let him know that you are giving him a chance to have a good relationship.. let him make no mistake about you 'crawling' back etc.. and be prepared for it all to go wrong and for you to leave again.
Posts: 5642 | From: hellonearth.myfastforum.org Forum Index | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I left him about 6 and half months ago. I'm in the U.K No i'm not egyptian, and we don't have kids. I know that he loves me in his way, he was kind and caring, I used to sit and analyse everything, I used to feel like a doormat when things were bad and regretted marrying him and would throw things in his face and punnish him, trying to make him feel bad.
I could say that he's this and he did this but there's 2 sides to every story and I have to be honest with myself.
But I was bad sometimes and take things out on him, I used to make him feel bad and guilty that I left my country for him.
Wallah he is kind and gentle, he likes to be a man and support the home and goes made if he doesn't feel like a man. He has a white heart and would give me anything and do anything for me to make me happy.
I can't please him or my family I have to please myself and that's why i'm feeling bad too, sometimes I'm stuck in the middle, and can't do what I want to do.
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by WOTEVER: I left him about 6 and half months ago. I'm in the U.K No i'm not egyptian, and we don't have kids. I know that he loves me in his way, he was kind and caring, I used to sit and analyse everything, I used to feel like a doormat when things were bad and regretted marrying him and would throw things in his face and punnish him, trying to make him feel bad.
I could say that he's this and he did this but there's 2 sides to every story and I have to be honest with myself.
But I was bad sometimes and take things out on him, I used to make him feel bad and guilty that I left my country for him.
Wallah he is kind and gentle, he likes to be a man and support the home and goes made if he doesn't feel like a man. He has a white heart and would give me anything and do anything for me to make me happy.
I can't please him or my family I have to please myself and that's why i'm feeling bad too, sometimes I'm stuck in the middle, and can't do what I want to do.
sound like a typical woman ( no offense)
Posts: 201 | From: A To : Z | Registered: Jul 2006
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quote:Originally posted by WOTEVER: I left him about 6 and half months ago. I'm in the U.K No i'm not egyptian, and we don't have kids. I know that he loves me in his way, he was kind and caring, I used to sit and analyse everything, I used to feel like a doormat when things were bad and regretted marrying him and would throw things in his face and punnish him, trying to make him feel bad.
I could say that he's this and he did this but there's 2 sides to every story and I have to be honest with myself.
But I was bad sometimes and take things out on him, I used to make him feel bad and guilty that I left my country for him.
Wallah he is kind and gentle, he likes to be a man and support the home and goes made if he doesn't feel like a man. He has a white heart and would give me anything and do anything for me to make me happy.
I can't please him or my family I have to please myself and that's why i'm feeling bad too, sometimes I'm stuck in the middle, and can't do what I want to do.
ارجعي لجوزك و اياك تسيبيه تاني هو جواز ولا لعب عيال BACK TO UR HUSBAND AMD DONT EVER EVER EVER LEAVE HIM AGAIN. WAS THAT MARRIAGE OR A GAME?
Posts: 2728 | From: جمهورية مصر العربية | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
would you prfer me to say that he was bad and treated me in a bad way so i left him and tozz fi? (isn't that a typical woman?) Or is it better to be honest and up front about this and say yes I was to blame too? When it was good it was good and when it was bad it was bad.
I got sick of trying, fighting and being strong all the time and I'm not used to depending on a man.
I don't have any friends that I can ask and I can't ask my family, I'm sick of trying to please everyone I want to put me first for a change and don't know how without hurting anyone.
I'm not offended, just looking for an honest point of view.
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
You probably need a change in attitude. Egyptians can be dramaqueens but so can you. How can they be hurt when you do something you want? You can lift a 'brow and tell them you love them anyway.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
I have friends there but choose not to go out with them (it's a long story). I can sit and laugh and joke aabout the life and situation. I can't talk about my problems with them or my family, as they tend to repeat everything, so i keep it to myself. My family are intrested in what is best for me. His family are intrested in what is best for him. He and I are interested in what's best for us.
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
You sound confused. I believe that it was more life itself in Egypt what became unbearable to yourself and you took it out on your husband. Why did you feel unloved and not appreciated if you say at the same time he was a wonderful man to you. Look, if you love him (and obviously he wants you back) get back together - but in the UK. Is he willing to move for you?
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
We did have issues, and we were both to blame for the arguments etc, and we were going to try and solve the problems, but I left. WHY? Because my family were going to disown me, I got fed up of silly lies, not being able to decorate my home as i want (I had to ask for his permission). I don't know how to be weak and depend and rely on a man (I've never had to) so that was an issue for him.
The problem wasn't the life in Egypt I loved it and was really happy.
Yes I'm confused as to why he's got in touch now, and if he's changed like he says he has. Yes he loves me and Yes I love him.
We tried living here before and neither of us were happy
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
Okay, the problem is much clearer now, thanks for explaining more. Look, you got problems within your relationship. I see it you are a independent woman and he was treating you simply as an Egyptian man. This is what cultural differences mean. If you really want to overcome them and give it another shot you both have to go to a marriage councelor. Also make friendships with other foreign women who are in stable relationships with Egyptian men. And it's not about if he's only changed, you need to let go also with couple of things.
Good luck. Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
That's my problem, if I let go do I become less of a woman? Will he see me as being weak? I have friends who have been married for 20+ and they're fine, but they don't talk about how they did it. As i said before, when it's good it's wonderful and you couldn't ask for a kinder, loving more attentive man. But when it's bad you would rather play with the devil lol
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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WOTEVER, hi, I know you have been feeling confused and alone. I'm sorry for that. You really should find people in Egypt to talk to. I am in Egypt as well and was recently considering leaving (decided against it). I would rather encircle myself amongs't friends and stay with my husband and have a family. But everyone is different. IF you do decide to come back, it should be with conditions on BOTH of you. It can't be all him changing, it has to be a cooperative effort. You sound like you really want to make it work and I applaud you for that. IF you do want new friends in Egypt (westerners) let me know. Many of us on this site have formed great friendships and keep in touch via email and it really helps with the support. Please let me know.
Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Thanks for that, my only problem now is getting back, my family are dead against it, but I have to please myself instead of everyone else, I don't belong here. So it's going to take to get back inshallah I will. I'll keep in touch and let you know how it goes, and hope to make some good friends. Keep your fingers crossed that he doesn't divorce me before I get back. LOL
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
no, i miscarried a few times, due to work pressure
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
Sorry to hear that. I hope you will both be able to sort out your relationship and have a beautiful little baby in the nearest future. Nothing better than that. Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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Inshallah, fingers crossed. We both agreed that I won't be working anymore so that's a step in the right direction. Just have to the figure the rest out. How do I depend and rely on him? It's hard to leave things to other people, how can you empower a man? I've always relied and depended on myself, and never asked him for help (which he didn't like). Any suggestions?
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
I can't see how you can be stepping in the right direction without working and the same time you have to follow his directions in decorating. Miscarriages are not due to workpressure, most of the time they occur anyway, most women you will talk to will have miscarried in their life. Some miscarriages go unnoticed if they are early in the pregnancy, it is just nature, it is a highly specialized process where a lot things can and will go wrong sometimes. Some people have to wait forever. I know my brother had to wait for over 10 years and almost gave up until they had their daughter. If you are healthy and husband is, there is really no need to stop working. The opposite I would say, working will distract your attention and relax you more where you could become obsessive over getting pregnant or miscarrying.
posted
could it be that you lost your head? It feels like you are going to live on the directions of others! Just don't do that! Even if it is your dear family, you have to rely on your self always! Even women that don't work, are at home to serve their family hand and foot rely on theirselves! Staying home without having any money is a nono. Remember our parentsgeneration. The man would hand over almost all money to the wife so she could maintain the household. If there is in no way an arrangement like this in sight, don't go there!
posted
Empower a man? Who told you that? And when he fails it is your fault? Don't have yourself brainwashed, it will make you very unhappy! And when you do get small children you will be trapped. You have to correct me, but It looks like you have to fill in some stereotype. You should not take all things literal dear! Look at your family. They tell you one thing and do another. My SIL would say that the man is the head of the household and in the main time she would make all the decisions and orchestrate what she needs. If they have an argument they are not afraid to speak up even in the front of family. You are you, you have your own background, don't try to change yourself in some flatlined stereotype, just don''t! Be your own self, and live to your directions, be creative in life and live how you can! Not how you have been portrayed you should! You'll fail even in their eyes!
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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quote:Originally posted by WOTEVER: Inshallah, fingers crossed. We both agreed that I won't be working anymore so that's a step in the right direction. Just have to the figure the rest out. How do I depend and rely on him? It's hard to leave things to other people, how can you empower a man? I've always relied and depended on myself, and never asked him for help (which he didn't like). Any suggestions?
I think to make a marriage successful it takes constant work. I had an elderly couple tell me once that the work doesn't stop after 5 years or 10 years or even 20 years, that it is a constant work in progress of give and take and sometimes biting your lip. I think any marriage (aside from abuse or felonies) is worth holding onto. After all, you cared enough to marry the guy in the first place, everyone makes mistakes. Marriage doesn't come with an owners manual and if you try to find ONE person who has never made misakes in marriage you will be hard pressed doing so . I wish you luck and hope you keep in touch. Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
My MIL and I share some things in live. We both had our kids later on in life, exactly at the same age and we both miscarried before and in between. It was great to share this with her. Only she blamed it on lifting things that might have been to heavy and I learned after the first miscarriage from talking and reading that it is a common factor for a lot of women and only in a very small percentage they will find a medical problem for it. She would stop lifting and I would just carry on, but the outcome was the same.
posted
Here is where the friends come in. If the only information I got would have been from my MIL I might have been tempted to stop working also and sacrifice myself to it or I would blame myself for not sacrificing to have kids. But instead I had this realitychecking and could maintain myself.
posted
When I was working I was up at 5am on my feet all day until 2.30 and then home at 4.30 I was working as a teacher which involoved running round after the kids and chasing paperwork. There were 3 other teachers who miscarried at the same time, they stopped working when they fell preganant.
I know from MIL that the woman is the head and they can get their own way without him knowing, that's not to say that he's stupid etc there's a way to do it, I haven't learnt how after all a ship can only have one captain.
He lived in Europe before, so he knows how hard it is for me and he has helped me to settle in and taught me arabic so that I can get around and make friends.
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
The other problem is How do I make a stand and do what I want without upsetting others, I want to live my life how I want not how others want me to, I love my family to bits, they are opposed to me going back so for now I'm stuck here.
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
[QUOTE]Originally posted by WOTEVER: [QB] When I was working I was up at 5am on my feet all day until 2.30 and then home at 4.30 I was working as a teacher which involoved running round after the kids and chasing paperwork. There were 3 other teachers who miscarried at the same time, they stopped working when they fell preganant.
When I had my first child I got up at 5.30 for breastfeeding and taking care of us all, went with public transportation to daycare and work, came home with groceries to cook at 18.30, bathed and fed us all and was sometimes up till after 1.00 o'clock to change a bed or empty the dryer and fold the laundry right away. Never ever had such a tight scheme, but it did not prevent me from having a second child. Miscarriage is common and women stopping with working when pregnant has been normal over here too, some thirty years ago. The question is not do I need to stop working to have babies (women all over the world did and do work, most need to, some even under harsh circumstances, and they do get babies, more then one) but can you stay at home and live a happy life when you are puzzled how to do it, since you are not grown in to it and never will. There is an impossibility in the people around you to tell you how to do that, you have to observe that for yourself, don't look at what they tell you but look at what and how they do it and position yourself at your own terms.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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quote:Originally posted by WOTEVER: The other problem is How do I make a stand and do what I want without upsetting others, I want to live my life how I want not how others want me to, I love my family to bits, they are opposed to me going back so for now I'm stuck here.
Maybe your family will let you go if they can trust that you can handle yourself well and not be run over by others how well they mean, you have to be able to take care of yourself especially when taking up a challenge like living in Egypt when your not born into this and have married into a situation where you have to do without western comforts and traits.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
You are in a different position then Egyptian women. My SIL is a housewife at the moment, but she has her own land and money. She rents her land out to others for income and uses a part of her land where she grows crops to feed her family. Her position in the marriage is a strong one, since she has her own money. Her husband buys the groceries but otherwise gives her money to do so. They do talk about money and put money together to look after the family. And you want to live on no income of yourself. She did inherit some money that she put in the bank so she might help kids when they get married, they need to make reservations for this, although the husband is supposed to look after houses and stuffs she may take care of other necessities. It is shared within the generations and everyone knows, even if they have no money what they are entitled to within the family. You have no idea of your rights in this family and have no position at all. Your Egyptian family probably does not have a clue how to handle your situation and you are about to trust yourself in their hands. If you were my sister I would be very concerned.
posted
I have my own money, and I'm respected and liked within the family, they have helped me in the past and have spoken to him about various issues i.e decorating etc and told him to leave me to do what I want, it's my home wa bas.
Yanni MIL, are very supportive and always call to see how I am, they invite me to stay a few days, or visit on a regular basis. His sisters are wonderful and very, very supportive and even if I am in the wrong they will defend me and tell him that he's wrong but in private tell me that actually I'm wrong.
I know what my rights are within this family as do they.
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
I am very happy that the female members of your family are supportive and that you do have money of your own it makes a huge difference. It is still you that does have to make the decisions about you and I know you can't make everybody happy all the time. Arguing never killed someone and we all do it.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
I wish it was that simple, my mother told me that if I didn't leave Egypt then she would disown me. Being an only child it's hard, I still do things to please her and can't make a stand I don't want to hurt her, can't seem to explain to her that I'm big enough and ugly enough to live my own life. As I said for now I'm here waiting, praying and fingers crossed that I can get back soon. Arguing can be good, it clears the air and making up is even better.
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
yes, she's been loadsa times and lived there for six months, she was ok but it wasn't how she expected it to be. She's very set in her ways, and thinks that her way is the only way. I love my mother to bits, but I'm entitled to my own life and happiness.
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
I am sorry Wotever, parents should be supportive and not keep on making decisions for their children and force them into it. This is really a difficult decision. But are you sure she is going to follow-up. With people like that it can be all black and white but it can also be a threat to get what they want and you should not let yourself get intimidated by it or they will continue to do so and more.
posted
True and I think that it is the bottom line intimidation and maybe she won't talk to me for 6 months. It's time I took a stand and stood up for myself and get my a**** back to Egypt where I belong
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
Wish you luck Wotever, If you know what to do, you can handle your mother gentle but firm.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
I wish it was that easy, she's not happy if I don't do what she wants
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
Wotever, she is doing that to herself, now you be the happiest you can be in your life and not let your mother take control over your happiness. Otherwise you are enabling her bad behaviour and it will not make her happy nor will it make you happy. Make clear to your mother that you love her but you are the one that is setting the agenda of your life for you, she should not cross the line between you, that is disrespectfull to you. You are not on earth to make your mother happy at your expense.
posted
And yes I know, people get 'disowned' over such things, but where will it end. Threathning with 'disowning' will go on everytime you try to make your own decision and you will enable her to take over your life, just don't. Pin it in the but, so to speak. The bigger the threat the more it should warn you not to take it.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
Thanks for that, I needed it. I had another argument with her, as she wants me to do as she says.
It's time for me to kick myself in the butt and live my life.
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
You felt like a door mat, unloved, not needed and unappericated.
Then you run away, now you want him back?
What are you thinking? He is not the only man on Earth, but if you think you deserve this kind of man and you can't find anyone better and you think he is indeed good for you, then why asking? Just do it. Go back into the past and fix unfixable. I personally would not be able to take back a man who treated me so low.
I would instead, look for a man who respects me, loves me and is faithful to me. And if I don't find it, I am still happy being on my own, because this life is not about having or being with a man, any man - especially not with a man who treated you like a doormat but about you being happy on your own and having an equal partner who in fact respects you and whom you can admire as a person. Anyways, good luck. You'll do what you want to do anyway.
Posts: 989 | Registered: Aug 2004
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I agree his source of pride should not rely completely on you.
But I do think empowering a man makes him live up to it---bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy that you create.
He knew you were independent when he married you, so he must not mind. You need to play the wifey role sometimes for him, and he needs to let you be indepedent sometimes so you dont feel like youre playing a role all the time.
Part of marriage is real, part of it is theatrical, and the roles make it interesting.
Above all, humor deflates situations. And tell him honestly how you feel, how you are struggling to be your indepedent self, but then you dont want him to think you dont need him. Be vulnerable and put your feelings out there, he may hear some surprising things from you.
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