posted
I am new to this board. But I have found a lot of help on here. I am American in love with Egyptian man. We have been friends for over a year. I visited Egypt recently for a couple of months. We found out that we really do have that "something special". We both want to marry. But his family did not accept. I am American, divorced, and have 3 kids.
Before I left he told me that we would have to fight to be together. I accepted that, but I had no idea it would be so hard. Initially he wanted to come here with me. But now I know he cannot leave his family. They are just too close. I said I would go there. But again he said, "I have to obey them". I understand this, and then I don't. I feel they would come around in time. Because they love him so much. He keeps telling me that I do not understand the people there. They are a very traditional family in a little village in the Delta.
I asked him if he wanted this to work. He said yes. But he thinks there is not a chance. I begged him to try a little longer. He only just asked them. I am hoping with some firmness on his end. Telling them that he will only marry me. Then wait. I think they love him so much that they would come around. He told me he could not go against them. That they would be angry then he could never go back. Does this really happen? They are so close that I cannot imagine them denying him for long.
I know he loves me. But love is not our problem. My heart is breaking. I just don't know what to do. Finally I have found my soulmate. He says he feels the same. How can we just walk away from this? I can't. I hope he can't either. Am I fooling myself by hanging on? I would appreciate any advice I could get.
But please.........I am very broken hearted. Only nice comments Please. I don't think I could bear rude ones at the moment.
posted
"Only nice comments Please" Why post? just answer the post yourself then you can read what you want to hear
Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Im sorry sweety. It could be very well that they would come around if he makes it clear he will only marry you. But the chances of him standing up to them are slim. You have to make a stand yourself. Tell him that either you marry or you will have to move on with your life. Its hard, horribly hard. Did his family even meet you??? If not they should not be so quick to make the decision. But it is up to him to stand up to them and say no , i will be with her and only her.
posted
Sheba do you want to know why they dont agree ? plz if so you can just say and i will reply you caue i am hesitated to tell you and you say nice reply plz (i dont think it will be nice to you )so get your decision .
Posts: 248 | Registered: Aug 2006
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quote:Originally posted by sheba76: Yes they met me and loved me. I was like one of the family. But at the time they didn't know their son wanted to marry me.
He said he would try but not promise anything. Now I'm just praying. A LOT!!!
Sadly, his love and devotion to his parents is one of the things I love so much about him.
Love has a diffrent meaning in Egypt. To marry beacuse of love is not so important . a marriage is more the sake of the mind and suitability. And that the marriage is accepted by the extended family and the whole village. You have many things against you , divorced and you have children. In Egypt the marriage is not just between two persons .
Posts: 523 | From: Finland | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
sheba76. tell him that you will be with him the rest of his life . he cant live with his family forever . he needs to be happy too.his family will see if it is right.they want the best for him and maybe that is you. i was lucky and found all my in laws love me and were behind me and s. when we got married but they new me for 7 months before we got married . the more i was around them the more they got to know me and trust me . give it some time and never give up.
Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
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Can this man support you and your kids??? Are u willing to move to Egypt for real?
Egyptian society has just -very very very recenlty and in limitied editions- started to accept divorcees to enter their families. And that's due to very high divorce rates.
Now, with 3 kids, I wonder how his family would accept the whole relationship. Being Egyptian, I totally understand their situation
-------------------- Same crap...Different toilet Posts: 1813 | From: Cairo | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
You have to understand ME men mentality and expecially Egyption. Family bonds are stronger than marriage based relationationship for simple reason. Marriage can end up by divorce, Family can't end up becoz it is blood related. A person can marry as many times as he or she wishes, but you can have only one mother and one father. This is what's in their mind. Now here what you should do: Have an unofficial marriage, sometimes called " Urfi marriage" for some time as situation demands. Keep your marriage secret until time ir right to announce it. Pretend you are just close friends or business associates. Dress decently when you meet his family members. Show them your support and approval of what they believe in. If you have money, try that too. Egyptions love money...LOL. Read about Islam and culture and if you have already converted show your admiration of your new religion. By time, I am sure they will slowly start tobring you closer to them. Show respect for their elders, mom, dad, uncles, grandma, etc... and GOOD LUCK
Posts: 9 | From: Dubai | Registered: Jul 2006
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quote:Originally posted by non-egyption: You have to understand ME men mentality and expecially Egyption. Family bonds are stronger than marriage based relationationship for simple reason. Marriage can end up by divorce, Family can't end up becoz it is blood related. A person can marry as many times as he or she wishes, but you can have only one mother and one father. This is what's in their mind. Now here what you should do: Have an unofficial marriage, sometimes called " Urfi marriage" for some time as situation demands. Keep your marriage secret until time ir right to announce it. Pretend you are just close friends or business associates. Dress decently when you meet his family members. Show them your support and approval of what they believe in. If you have money, try that too. Egyptions love money...LOL. Read about Islam and culture and if you have already converted show your admiration of your new religion. By time, I am sure they will slowly start tobring you closer to them. Show respect for their elders, mom, dad, uncles, grandma, etc... and GOOD LUCK
I really hope that is a hint of sarcasm????
Posts: 836 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2006
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Going back to your topic........... Unfortunately most Egyptians are close to their families even when they grow into adults & it is hard for them to risk loosing their approval.
We are not as independant as you guys in the States & Europe are........... I dont mean that we are necessarily financially dependant on our familis, although some of us still are........ I meant that we still depend on them for support & approval.
It is not always a positive thing but unfortunately familes still get involved in their off-spring's lives when they get marrried.
I dont know about your guy..... he could be genuine & he could be not
I always know that when a man loves a woman he fights for her........ dont know why he wouldnt
Posts: 3128 | From: Not Your Heaven | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
I have offered to bring him here. He is afraid to leave with them angry at him. He said he would never be able to go back. I understand that. But I also know of their love for him first hand. I was with them every day for a couple of months. He is the biggest momma's boy I've ever seen. We were going to wait to tell them. He was eaten up inside by not being honest. There's a whole lot of honor there for his parents. This part I know to be genuine.
He is a doctor. So yes he can support me, in either country, just fine. Our plan was for me to stay home and go to school. I am working on my degree also. Initially we wanted to save money in the states then move back. I think what really freaked him out is what he said. "I cannot leave to another country with them angry with me. I could never go back."
I begged him to not give up just yet. He said ok. We have what it takes to make this work. We have so much love, respect, and devotion for each other. I just hope he doesn't give in from pressure and depression.
Thanks for all the comments. I knew I would get a few from my statement on kindness. Really, I want the truth. I'm just needing consideration at the moment. That's all I meant by that.
Thanks again everyone. Yes I am a newcomer.
-------------------- شكرا و أللام عليكم شيبى Posts: 2133 | From: Redneckland | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
I forgot to add that they adored me. Said I was more arabian than american. I took that as a compliment. So they know already that I love their culture, and respect all of them. They also think I am a good and kind woman. I just keep praying this will help in some way.
-------------------- شكرا و أللام عليكم شيبى Posts: 2133 | From: Redneckland | Registered: Oct 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Chinderella angel TORMENTOR: Almost all Egyptian men are momma's boys
even if they deny it........ doesnt mean they are not
This is very true. It also makes your solution relatively simple: Earn the love and trust of his mother, and you win her son. Then the hard part is how to appeal to the mother For my own mother it would be easy because she is basically like a schoolgirl. Tell her she is beautiful, she is smart, and that she must be where her sons got their handsome looks and brains. Unfortunately most mothers are more complex than that, so maybe some other men would be able to give you help on that Posts: 345 | Registered: Aug 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Chinderella angel TORMENTOR: Almost all Egyptian men are momma's boys
even if they deny it........ doesnt mean they are not
This is very true. It also makes your solution relatively simple: Earn the love and trust of his mother, and you win her son. Then the hard part is how to appeal to the mother For my own mother it would be easy because she is basically like a schoolgirl. Tell her she is beautiful, she is smart, and that she must be where her sons got their handsome looks and brains. Unfortunately most mothers are more complex than that, so maybe some other men would be able to give you help on that
yes the man should give us a few hints & tips
If you watch Egyptian TV series you'll get what i am talking about. There is a TV series called the Cinderella..... it's the bio of a late famous movie star called Suad Hosny......
There was an episode about one of the men she married.... this man is called Zaki Fatin Abdel Wahab. He is 15 years younger than her.... he's the son of two very famous Egytptian stars, a movie star, Leila Mourad & a movie director Fatin Abdel Wahab. The mother was against their marriage & eventually succeeding in breaking their marraige...... he's a momma's boy. he had an education & training to be a director..... he's now in his fifties & he hasnt done a thing
Posts: 3128 | From: Not Your Heaven | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
sheba...how did this relationship develop? did you stay with his family when you went to egypt? how did you both explain your friendship to his family?, I am surprised that he could not pre empt his families reaction and have prepared them a little before you went over there? what does he say he wants to do now? I really do feel for you because it seems as though its all out of your hands and personally i think he should have seen it coming and been a little stronger and supportive if he wants a future with you. He must have known they weren't going to be overjoyed, if it is love then he should have a plan for the future, then a plan b, then a contingency plan should a and b not work...lol hmmm, not sure about this one, think he, especially being an intelligent man, should have thought this through before embarking on a year relationship, which has left you attached to him, and obviously wiling to move your life for him... he should take more responsibility in my opinion.
Posts: 1017 | From: uk | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
If his family will not accept him to marry you then I think it would be best for you and him to move on. His family is the most important to him and will always be this way. Egyptians don't generally have the problems that we Americans do with their families. We can cut off ties with ours but Egyptians for the most part do not. My inlaws had to accept me before my husband would marry me. That was a necessity. If he's willing to leave his family to be with you in the states and not look back I would seriously question him. Also bringing him here is not an easy task. From start to finish (filing a visa petition) it takes a good year or more. Think about it.
Posts: 2735 | From: my desk | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Graf_Genn: For my own mother it would be easy because she is basically like a schoolgirl. Tell her she is beautiful, she is smart, and that she must be where her sons got their handsome looks and brains. Unfortunately most mothers are more complex than that, so maybe some other men would be able to give you help on that
Graf_Genn,
Your mother sounds alot like my mother. Even if the waiter is 15lbs underweight, gay, and with a pocked marked face; if he requests her ID in order to serve her a shardinay (sp?) he then gets a $15 tip. If he is hot and has a nice arse its more like $20 or more. Lord I don't want to be like that when I get older. Posts: 3168 | From: If you don't like it, don't look or read it! | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
Our relationship started as friends online. We were helping each other with language. We just grew close over a year. I was finally going through the divorce that I've been needing for years. I needed a break. So I went there for that. They think I needed a break and was there for training.(certification) They accepted me whole heartedly. But I was only a friend.
He always said, " what if it is out of our hands" . I guess I never understood. I always believed he would fight for us. He even told me that. Over and over, "we will have to fight to be together". I think that being there and under that influence, stress, them pushing him to marry, all of that is keeping him down and influencing him. If only there were someone there for OUR side.
I think that is why he wanted to travel so much. Why he felt it was necessary for us to be together. A sort of cutting of the apron strings. Loosening their hold in their eyes and his.
Yes we know what it would entail. Visa forms, TOEFL, professional certification. All of that is a small price for being together. We have researched this a lot.
I just pray that he doesn't stay under the influence to the point of hurting us both. There can be a balance here I feel. That's what we're working on now.
Thanks
-------------------- شكرا و أللام عليكم شيبى Posts: 2133 | From: Redneckland | Registered: Oct 2006
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Your mother sounds alot like my mother. Even if the waiter is 15lbs underweight, gay, and with a pocked marked face; if he requests her ID in order to serve her a shardinay (sp?) he then gets a $15 tip. If he is hot and has a nice arse its more like $20 or more. Lord I don't want to be like that when I get older.
Haha that sounds quite similar, except that my mother doesn't drink Pinot Chardonnay (or any alcohol) and I don't think she could stop clinging to my father long enough to admire a waiter and his backside Maybe just in secret... My father (and at times the rest of the family) says she has never really grown out of the "I will be Queen when I grow up" phase that many girls go through. He indulges her, so I guess it is his partially his fault. She is rather eccentric. I don't want to hijack this thread, so if we want to continue about how to win over a man's mother that might be more appropriate for helping Sheba76. Maybe we could get some more men involved by starting a thread named something like "how to earn the love of a man's mother?" We may be able to figure something out for Sheba76 Posts: 345 | Registered: Aug 2006
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Maybe just in secret... My father (and at times the rest of the family) says she has never really grown out of the "I will be Queen when I grow up" phase that many girls go through. He indulges her, so I guess it is his partially his fault. She is rather eccentric.
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