posted
hhmmmm im having some weird mixed feelings here. Im living with my wonderfull egyptian husband, having a good life and I love him more than anything (except for my kids...)in this world. We are planning on having children together, we have a great nice house, good jobs, fine cars,good friends ect ect. = everything is PERFECT. Today my kids returned after a weekend at their dad (we have been divorced for more than a 1 year now) and they said: "dad's got a new girlfriend now, so his so happy and next time we visit him we get to see her"
A part of me got a shock and felt a bit jealous eventhough im terrible inlove with my egyptian husband. I actually felt a bit good that he was single and maybe a little sad that he lost "wonderfull me.." Totally silly, - I know that but still I cant help it. The other part of me was extremely happy because he is an ok guy and really deserves to be happy. We was together for 11 years since I was 15 and he was 19, - and had 2 wonderfull children together. I dont ever want him back because we simply grew apart and want different things in life.
Am I a freak or did anybody ever experienced that??? Posts: 528 | From: Denmark | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
Yes i experienced it with my ex husband for a fleeting moment, i think i just wanted to know i was special.
BUT i experienced it, and still do with my husbands ex... now there is a woman who cant let go!
I think its a natural reaction so dont feel guilty about it, it draws a line under something, and sometimes that takes you by surprise.
Posts: 1017 | From: uk | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
It totally hit me by surprise because im happy inlove with my loving egyptian husband and dont want my life to be any differnt so why do I have that kind of jealosy feeling in my body.....? Defendtly dont want him back because Im so crazy about my egy hubby and we're trying to get pregnant. I wish I just could be fully happy for him. I think it might have something to do with the kids also. Maybe I deep down is nervous that he will "forget them" or value her kids higher then "our own".
Posts: 528 | From: Denmark | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
probably a bit of everything, and as much as we dont like to admit it there will be part of "oh, so someone else has taken my place, i wonder if he feels more for her etc", just pride and will probably not last long. Of course there are going to be ongoing feelings regarding the kids. I understand this in my current situation, which is why it doesnt bother me too much that my husbands ex is really funny about me spending time with her kids.
I think she worries that i might do something better than she does, or that the kids will like me...its all crazy really cos i'm sure she would rather i was nice to them, but it just plays on her insecurities i guess, which is understandable.
I think its actually healthy to feel like you do, its part of putting the past to bed and acknowledging that the kids will have different relationships with you both now, with someone else involved. Im sure he felt this way when you settled with your husband.
try to think of it as good healthy reflection on your own feelings, unfortunately, my husbands ex doesnt do this and creates problems for us and the kids, i'm sure you wont do that, its just something you will adjust to.
Posts: 1017 | From: uk | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
I think your right. Eventhoug I would love that she is a sweet person and good to my kids- I would probaly also feel a bit sad if "they kept babling about dads new wonderfull girlfriend who is so sweet and good at everything". He doesnt have them that often and apparently therefore doesnt wanna go into any kind of fights with them. They get to be up as late as they want, eat as much candy as they want and dont shower all weekend if they dont want to.....(they are 8 and 4 years old) He has them every second weekend. So often I easily get to be "the witch" because i have rules they have to live by and obey. So I think its a little bit of both. Jealousy because I still wanna be no 1 eventhough he is not no 1 in my life anymore, and the fear of always be "portrayed" as the witch while dad and his new girlfriend is so sweet and nice...
Posts: 528 | From: Denmark | Registered: Dec 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Mrs Tibe: hhmmmm im having some weird mixed feelings here. Im living with my wonderfull egyptian husband, having a good life and I love him more than anything (except for my kids...)in this world. We are planning on having children together, we have a great nice house, good jobs, fine cars,good friends ect ect. = everything is PERFECT. Today my kids returned after a weekend at their dad (we have been divorced for more than a 1 year now) and they said: "dad's got a new girlfriend now, so his so happy and next time we visit him we get to see her"
A part of me got a shock and felt a bit jealous eventhough im terrible inlove with my egyptian husband. I actually felt a bit good that he was single and maybe a little sad that he lost "wonderfull me.." Totally silly, - I know that but still I cant help it. The other part of me was extremely happy because he is an ok guy and really deserves to be happy. We was together for 11 years since I was 15 and he was 19, - and had 2 wonderfull children together. I dont ever want him back because we simply grew apart and want different things in life.
Am I a freak or did anybody ever experienced that???
I know how you feel. Maybe it's a case of 'I don't want him but I don't want anybody else to want him either'. ? Lol...don't worry, I wouldn't read too much into it Tibe, just remember the difficult times you had with him and think of her enduring it and it will be ok. Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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I had to read that to my husband, cos guess what...when we have the kids...they stay up as long as they want, he doesnt tell them off too much cos he doesnt want to fall out with them, and i never tell them off (cos i dont want to give his ex any bait to threaten him he cant see them!) and they have been known to go home unshowered, with messy clothes from where we have been out at the beach or something!
but as annoying as that would be for you, my husband also gets very upset that he cant see them very often, i find it hard to be 'the outsider', i am far from perfect, i just do things differently to their mum and we also have rules that are different to when they are at home...like i wont let them watch tv all day or play computer games all day, or eat in front of the tv.
Just try to remember that all kids want most is you, and all you want most is for them to be happy. There may well be things that she will do that they will like, but there will be things you do that they love, and no one will take the place of their mum, and i doubt if he had kids with her they would take the place of your kids, not if he loves them half as much as my husband loves his.
its not the same but, when my son started nursery, i felt really bad cos they did things with him that i never did at home, i felt so guilty! but someone said to me that being a good parent is about putting your kids in good situations, that doesnt mean that you have to be the one that does everything with them, if they get different experiences with different people then its a bonus (as long as they're good). Hard as it will be at first, try to think of it as a positive thing, after all there will be things they dont like about her too that will make them appreciate you more Posts: 1017 | From: uk | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
thanks for the advice Smuckers, - you actually made me think of all the bad things about him that I really hated and it did help
Catarpillar, - fun to see ones situation from the other side sometimes I know I might be worrying a bit too much sometimes. I our case its not that he cant see his children enough. thats his choice because we made an agreement that he should have them every 2. weekend + 4 days in a month when he have the time for it. (He is self employed and very busy) + 5 weeks of vacations in a year. He never have them more than every 2 weekend, - and he had then for 1 week vacations in the 14 month we have been living apart. So he priority is his work and the little time he have left over goes to his kids. Im nervous that it will become even less now his got a girlfriend.
My oldest daughter has started to say every time we get into a discussion: im packing my bags and moving in with dad. He never makes me......clean my room, -force me to do homework when there is cartoons on tv. That is the most annoying thing. She thinks living with her dad is kingdom because there is no rules and she could go through childhood without showering and 5 hours asleep at night...... I think its not fair. I dont wanna "compete" with that. Offcourse she is happy living here and 99 percent of the time we are just 1 big happy family. She will also thank me later in life when she gets more mature. Children needs rules, bedtimes and good food + a lot of love. Offcourse things can be fun and a bit more loose rules but it can also become too much. Im also nervous how this new girlfriend will feel about our friendship because if thats cut off it will affect the kids. My new hubby and ex is not close friends but they accept and respect each other.
Posts: 528 | From: Denmark | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
yes you are right about your daughter and your ex needs to work with you on that, because for sure if she lived there then she would have rules and she should respect that you are doing this for her and the good of the family.
I dont know what my husbands children say to their mum, maybe they say these things when they are trying to score points, who knows?
try not to worry too much about all these things until they happen, because they might not, it might all work out ok, chances are that she will be the one feeling like an outsider, not you.
your 'friendship' may or may not change, it all depends on the people involved, i have a friend who's ex still lives in their house and looks after her kids even though they are both seeing other people, people live in all sorts of ways and find what works for them.
he has been open about the kids meeting her, which is good, shows he is thinking things through, if you can talk about things with him, perhaps you should voice some of your concerns to him, it might help, you might find that he was worried too when you found someone new.
Posts: 1017 | From: uk | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Your did not go over your husband because your feelings would not be such. The common feeling about someone you already have let go is - to be happy that father of your children is going to have wonderful wife, nice house, great cars and probably children with her too. You got everything you asked for, now it's his turn. Now you know how he felt about you when you married your husband. Also, meeting his new wife who is involved with your children and respecting their union would be next step ( for those who care for kids and want the very best for them ).
Posts: 182 | From: LA/Alex | Registered: May 2003
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I was jumping for joy when my ex got remarried. I have zero romantic feelings for the man.
Posts: 2735 | From: my desk | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
You are right to be concerned about the new gf and what will happen to your friendship with the ex. If you think you are jealous, just think about how she would feel - first many women are jealous about the many years another woman has spent with their man, and much more importantly - you had his children! New girlfriends have a famously chilling effect on the new boyfriend's male/female relationships and they can be an *extreme* hazard to good parenting. Tread carefully.
Posts: 1161 | From: wo xiang xiao bian ji si le | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
I also have zero romantic feelings for him but still it feels weird. I wouldnt trade my "new life" for anything in this world. Im so crazy inlove with my egyptian husband he is all and everything for me. (BTW we are gonna have a romantic danish summer wedding on the 1 of june )
I could easily live without my exhusbands friendship but because of the kids I have to keep him in my life and its better for them that we are friends rather than enemies. I can also see it from the new girlfriends view. Not funny to have an exwife in the corner. But im not bossy, i dont mix in his life, everything we have together envolves around the kids. If my wonderfull egyptian husband (should have met him 12 years ago insted..) can coop with the jealousy,- so can she because he can be very jealous but around my exhusband he is ok.
Posts: 528 | From: Denmark | Registered: Dec 2006
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quote:Originally posted by mi feng: You are right to be concerned about the new gf and what will happen to your friendship with the ex. If you think you are jealous, just think about how she would feel - first many women are jealous about the many years another woman has spent with their man, and much more importantly - you had his children! New girlfriends have a famously chilling effect on the new boyfriend's male/female relationships and they can be an *extreme* hazard to good parenting. Tread carefully.
So true Mi feng. My Ex and I always thought we would remain friends, we had a continuing responsibility as parents and there was no bad feeling over the end of our marriage. Then his new girlfriend came on the scene and she plotter to ensure he and I would never remain friends, she also ensured he lined her nest very securley to my cost. She tried to cause awful damage between our familiy relationships, but where she could blind my Ex she failed with the rest of us including my son. Sadly in the end I lost all respect for my Ex that he could alow someone to come into our lives and cause so much hurt all round and he and I will probably never even speak again unless we realy have to.
On a lighter note was I upset when he took a girlfriend? well no but I was dam P**d off when he let her sail our yacht...now that did hurt Posts: 3809 | From: Paradise | Registered: Mar 2003
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in fact it's normal effect from sence people are like you , yes you can feel that but did you ask your self if he feel same when you get married your egy ? any way that's normal and you have to respect that as he respect your egy , but the females are so feeling about kind like this especially when you marry him 11 years it's not easy for you to didn't feel that but my advice keep this feeling inside you and give more care for you husband and your family so you can pass on it soon don't think about it , you can pass it
Posts: 88 | From: cairo | Registered: Feb 2007
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Focus on your Egyptian husband and love you have for him.
Let your ex be happy. When he sees that you are happy for him, he will be more accepting and children will be proud of both parents. If you keep focusing on negative emotion ( jealousy/envy ) you will go further from your Egyptian husband and this negativity will kill your romance with him because he may find out strange that you spend so much time and energy focusing on ex instead on him and future with him. If you did not go over your ex, this is the time for you NOW, to let it go. Let go of past because you are with someone else now, let your ex enjoy his happiness without interfering. This is a minimum you can do for the sake of your current marriage and ethically this is your obligation as a mother to respect his life now, because you already have yours! As long as children are fine, you must adjust and be fine too. Don't ruin their happiness by demonstrating envy, this would be considered selfish of you.
Posts: 182 | From: LA/Alex | Registered: May 2003
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