posted
I have a friend that I've been close with for about 8 or 9 years now. She was married about 3 years ago and we keep in touch (she is in the states). She confided in me recently that her husband is addicted to going to strip clubs. She caught him trying to hide it and even though he says he will stop she constantly catches him frequenting these places (at lunch, after work, he says he is going to pay a bill or run an errand). He admits to it but says he is truly addicted and she is considering therapy for him.
Of course, I'm a realist and told her I would give him the ultimatum and that's it. She says she wants to try everything before ending the marriage so she doesn't feel like she just 'gave up'. My point of view was that he gave up the first day he set foot in a club and paid women to take their clothes off for him.
What are your views?
Men, have any of you known of this stripper club addiction syndrome or heard of it? Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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If money is tight and he is spending it in these joints, rather than paying bills, then - yes - she should kick him into touch. If he is earning good money and has a fair bit stashed away, then - yes - she should kick him into touch, also...but through a good divorce lawyer!
-------------------- He who smiles rather than rages is always the stronger. Posts: 161 | From: UK | Registered: Mar 2007
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Any kind of addiction is unhealthy and hurtful on the person itself and others involved.
In this specific case it's not only about the finances but also about the relationship. There are deeper problems which only a therapist for both of them can figure out and help them accordingly.
And yeah if he doesn't want to get help, if he's weak and still goes to these clubs (he visits them quite frequently, right?) she should end the marriage. What's next - whore house?
Quite personal question but do they still have a healthy sexlife? Did you ask her?
Personally if I would know that my husband visits a stripclub (thankfully his employer would be on my side in this case ) I think I would kick him hard..... well you know where! Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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I've not asked (and she hasn't mentioned) their intimate life. I do get the feeling he is at the clubs a lot and while they aren't rich, they aren't poor either. I don't get the feeling they're struggling to survive and he's spending the cash there.
I just wonder if this is REALLY an addition or if he's using that as an excuse to keep going. She seems to WANT to believe him (of course, easier that way than to admit your husband is a low life pervert).
Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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She should go with him and enjoy it. Watch how they dance, what the wear.Then surprise her husband one night with an erotic dance and a whole lotta hot lovin . I know Im gonna get my arse kicked on here for this, but 9yrs of marriage is a looooooooonng time, its not for lack of love or even not finding her unattractive. Marriage takes ALOT of work and sometimes people get too comfortable.We are all human,woman look at other men and fantasize also, even if our man is a hottie!She shouldn't throw away a whole life together because he's looking at other woman, she didnt catch him in bed with another woman.Looking at a naked strange woman is far different then catching him in bed with the next door neighbor. I dont buy into stripper club syndrome. I never cared when my husband went, I went with him and we would sit there whisper to each other and laugh . We had a good time and I held the majority of his attention, and the times were few and far between. I've been myself to see male strippers-remember the chippendale dancers, smucks Posts: 1121 | From: Too crazy to look at a freakin map to find out.. | Registered: Sep 2006
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I know there are some women who don't care about this, but I guess I mean the MAJORITY who would care.
Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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The only question is: Does HE want to end this addiction? Everybody can give advices as much as they want; if he doesn`t want to get rid of it, all advices are redundant. If 'no'; she can make a decision in it, accept or not. If 'yes'; go and see a therapist...both...
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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So I'm guessing people (in general) feel this is an ACTUAL addiction? I totally feel this isn't an addiction, it's just an excuse he uses to say it is an addiction. He's addicted to lying and doing what he wants to do despite the feelings of his wife. IMO
Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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I've heard of that as an addiction. He should get therapy. Is he stepping up to try therapy? Or is it only her idea? But *he* will have to want to end it, I'm sure it's as difficult an addiction to stop as any other.
I wouldn't want my husband going AT ALL.
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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I don't know if he's interested in therapy it's just something she has introduced. He tells her nothing happens there but I've heard of some pretty physically attentive lap dances... Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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In fact it is not very different as somebody who is addicted to 18+ websites...I really don`t have a clue what amount is considered as normal and what isn`t, but several times a day seems much... As long as he is doesn`t admit he has a problem, there is nothing anybody else can do. He has to admit he is addicted, and he is the only one who can make a change.(And he only will when he sees it as an problem) He is lying about it, what is quite normal in case of addiction. The only thing your friend can do is try to make him aware of the fact that she can`t accept, and that he is risking his marriage.
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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I do think there is a difference between adult websites and stripclubs. If he pays for lapdances he's physically involved with someone else.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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Does that make difference in the addiction? I don`t think so. Addiction is just the fact that somebody is physically enslaved. To a substance like drugs or alcohol, to a feeling like sex,gambling or internet etc.
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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No of course not it's both addictive. But with a third person physically involved it's more hurtful for his spouse, don't you think so?
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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My x did this. He told me "It doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you come home to eat". I said "well I am glad to know this; of course women get their appetite in a different way then men do". He then said,"wait, let me rethink this".
My sister thought I was being foolish for feeling so badly about it. She said that he is just admiring a womens body. Then one night she persuaded her husband to go. She came home upset and called me in the middle of the night to tell me I was right and how awful it was.
Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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You`re looking in another way. What has the degree in which you grieve your partner to do with the addiction itself?
Rationally that third person isn`t playing a role in it at all, that is just the emotional aspect in the mind of the woman.
You`re talking about the emotional feelings of the woman, while you should have to look at the case as it is; there is a man, he is addicted and doesn`t admit that, and his wife doesn`t accept. What to do?
The only thing SHE can do is make him aware of the fact that she doesn`t accept, and that he has to deal with the consequences.
If these consequences are going to make him think about the situation, maybe he will be prepared to do something about it. As long as he doesn`t, and just denies,there are no changes possible.
Complaining and arguing won`t help,...
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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Regardless, Saying it is an addiction is just an excuse to continue in this behavior, not a reason to.
Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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That also doesn`t matter. She wants to do everything she can to save her marriage. When he doesn`t co-operate in looking for a solution, she can`t do a thing, no matter what he is saying..... He can say: Yes, I`m addicted, and I want to change. But he actually is saying: Yes, I`m addicted and I don`t want to change.... So, what can she do?
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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You are right. No one can control another person.
But she CAN do something. She can control herself. For her own mental health she either accepts it, decides whats good for the gander is good for the goose or she moves on.
I don't see how the first two options would be healthy for her. I would assume that there are bigger issues in this marriage than the strip club. That would just be a symptom.
-------------------- "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) Leap and the Net will Appear. Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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Sure, SHe has a problem with something and SHE is the one who has to solve her own problem. When HE co-operates, admits the problem, and wants to change it, the first step is there. But untill now, he doesn`t. SHE can try to make him aware of his behaviour and the fact that she is having problems with it, and MAYBE he decides that it is worth to try to save his marriage.When it is valuable to him, he will try. When he can`t, or he doesn`t want, she has to move on with her life. Also in this she has several options. I know women who have accepted the most unlikely behaviour of their husbands, because a devorce was not an option to them. Because of the children, because of financial matters, because of the life she has, because of the family, all different situations. They decided to accept because in their opinion, it was better to live a life in this way, then go away.It is a personal choice, and I think we must be very carefull in judging this.
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers: I don't know if he's interested in therapy it's just something she has introduced. He tells her nothing happens there but I've heard of some pretty physically attentive lap dances...
Ew. Didn't think about that.
I'm no expert for sure, but I do think that sex addictions of any sort are extremely tough to fix. I feel badly for your friend, because I think that's going to be a very difficult issue in life to deal with. I'm sorry.
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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I remember I had a boss years ago who told me she came home and found that her husband had spent his day off on the internet looking at naked women (which he knew would piss her off so he tried to hide it but she caught him). For revenge she went out and purchased many nudie-men magazines and took out all of the photos and taped them ALL OVER THE WALLS of their bedroom and bathroom, so when he came home, he found her lying in bed admiring all of the naked men on the walls all around her. Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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My husband once told me that he doesn`t know one man who isn`t doing this once in a while. It is just curiousity! As long as it doesn`t influence the relationship there is no problem with that.
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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quote:Originally posted by ?????: My husband once told me that he doesn`t know one man who isn`t doing this once in a while. It is just curiousity! As long as it doesn`t influence the relationship there is no problem with that.
Your husband is right and going once to stripper club is not such a problem...but being addict is big issue.
Posts: 1414 | From: far away | Registered: Sep 2004
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men are such simple creatures, we realy ought to remember that.
women tend to apply far more emotions to things than men do, and therefor when we think about our man looking at other women, we add him feeling things for her into the picture, or assume he has less feelings for us etc.
this just isnt the case. this is also why men cant understand why we feel so strongly about things that they think are no big deal.
if the relationship is good, and hes not cheating, try to live and let live.
Posts: 549 | From: charm el feikh? | Registered: Apr 2006
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I read a poll today. It showed that men think more about sex until they get to the age of 40 but after 40 women are the ones who thinks most about sex.
Posts: 78 | From: anywhere | Registered: Jun 2007
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I think the problem here is also that he goes out of the house to get sexually stimulated by someone other than his own wife. Does he still wants his wife? Does he still want to be intimate with her? Does he still feel desire for her?
What about if their own sexual relationship totally soured because of his frequent stripclub outings?
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Twitty: I read a poll today. It showed that men think more about sex until they get to the age of 40 but after 40 women are the ones who thinks most about sex.
Wow thank you very much for the info. My husband just turned 40 very recently .... I might just remind him about sex tonight! Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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I totally feel this isn't an addiction, it's just an excuse he uses to say it is an addiction. He's addicted to lying and doing what he wants to do despite the feelings of his wife. IMO
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