posted
hi its my first time i have posted in here. my topic i choose to write about is marrieage. i am a black british man and my parents are jamaican but live in england now.
i was born and grew up in london.
all the relationships i have had so far has been with black and white women. ive never had a relationship with a asian indian or pakistani or somalian woman. i would like to but i get the impression that relationships with those women are discouraged and are rare. i dont think i have ever seen or heard of a british indian woman that has a black british boyfriend or husband. and its the same with somalian women, they seem to stay with their own men. is there a reason for that? i think indian and somalian women are beautiful in general. alot of them are critisised for carrying alot of weight as they mature but i think they still are attractive and would make a good wife. i assume there are alot of black men and white that would love to marry a asian or somalian woman but they likely doubt they would be accepted. it would be interesting to know what everyone else thinks on this topic? if you are for example a eygptian or somalian or indian woman? would you marry outside your race? if not why? please be honest in your response and respectful.....no flaming or rude comments please. thank you. regards bigtum Posts: 28 | From: home | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
*banging head against the bed of nails that I bought especially to bang the head against*
Posts: 8756 | From: Tax-Free Zone | Registered: Jul 2005
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I've dated all sorts of women, from latinas, black, white, middle eastern etc...
When you take the cultural conditioning out of the mix, ALL women are practically the same, regardless of their skin color or ethnic heritage.
They all have tits and they talk too damn much
So, if I have had no problem dating various kinds of women, I sincerely doubt I would have any problem MARRYING any sort of woman; as long as she fits my criteria that is.
The hardest thing to get past ofcourse, are the cultural differences. An Indian or Somalian chick will think differently from a British or American chick on a host of issues, unless she's been completely westernized; which is unusual in my experience..
Even if she was born in the West, she will still have one foot in her parent's culture, and this can present problems if you're not prepared.
For instance, Western men tend to expect sex from women they are dating, but in certain cultures, women aren't expected to have sex until marriage.
So just think about that.
~Alistair
-------------------- Lies fade like smoke when uncovered..but Truth, burns like fire. Posts: 1221 | Registered: Sep 2006
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For instance, Western men tend to expect sex from women they are dating, but in certain cultures, women aren't expected to have sex until marriage.
So just think about that.
~Alistair [/qb]
It's correct, but it also depends on the personality. Marrying someone from outside of race needs: - mutual understanding - mutual communication in anything! Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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For instance, Western men tend to expect sex from women they are dating, but in certain cultures, women aren't expected to have sex until marriage.
So just think about that.
~Alistair
It's correct, but it also depends on the personality. Marrying someone from outside of race needs: - mutual understanding - mutual communication in anything! [/QB]
religion and culture differences in my opinion are the only valid reasons why 2 people would find it frustrating to be married to each other.
and since i am not a muslim, i dont think i could find a somalian woman that would be willing to abandon her faith for me. thanks for your opinion, i value it more than the others.
Posts: 28 | From: home | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
im a white english woman and always said not being racist that if it aint white it aint right....... then i met my b/f future husband hes egyptian black and muslim but you wanna know what i thought when we first met........ i didnt see his colour his religion or where he was from i saw a kind man that would give me the world and more ( even though i didnt fancy him at first ) he sort of grew on me and now we are inseperable i couldnt imagine my life without him in it yes of course there are the odd people about saying why u going out with a black guy for but when they see the pics of him they think he is actually cute i dont care what colour he is hes my man at the end of the day and its whats inside wha counts i still get butterflies in my stomach when he calls so it must be love and i havent felt like that at all
Posts: 197 | From: hertford england | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
hi there interesting post it is heartwarming to know that some people look beyond what is on the outside. in fact although looks are important, its what a person is like inside that counts. your marriage to your husband sends a clear message to racists who say that black and white dont get on. can you imagine what it must be like to grow up in a family that says you must always stick to your own and that also applies to marriage? i grew up in what could be called a racist family. my parents just basically mistrusted white people. they regulary drummed it into my head that they believed that i would be happier and safer if i stuck to my so called own people.
i never believed that and never will and for this reason, there is good and bad in everyone...one's skin colour doesnt make you a bad person. this mistrust has caused much damage and i believe the only way to start repairing it is to make the effort to reach out to each other,form friendships, talk to each other like we are doing now. racists hold back and never reach out...they cling to their belief that black and white cant get on with each other...therefore they miss out and render themselves into bitter hate filled people. how sad hey? regards bigtum
Posts: 28 | From: home | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
Dear Bigtum, God created human in many differences to get to know each others. God doesnt see anyone from the looks but from the heart.
Human create racist issue itself. Human who feel they are more than others, human who who feel they are clever than others, human who feel they are the best than others. Nobody is perfect!
See the sky above you... see the ground under you... see the entire world in front of you... see the horizon lays away... how small we are... how nothing we are... how old this universe... only God will stay... only God is great!!
Regards and fight for your life Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
Alot of people do have issues with 'mixed race marriages' for lots of reasons. Racism exists in all societies, not as black and white, shades of grey too (oh how clever! lol)
At the end of the day, we go with people we find attractive, personally I find darker skinned people more attractive (i am very pale) but I didn't always, what I found attractive changed as I grew older and changed as a person.
When it comes to relationships and marriage, you also have to think beyond race and initial attraction, like you said, you may find a somali woman attractive for her features but if her beliefs and culture are markedly different to yours then what else is there other than physical?
Many cultures dont base their relationships on physical attraction alone and this could be a little insulting as the only thing you would want someone for in that case is to be on your arm or for sex
I'm not knocking you, attraction is a good thing, but I think you should consider what it is about Egyptian or somali women that attracts you first because as someone said, other than culture or values, women are women regardless of where they are from so if you are only attracted to their physical appearance then its not surprising families would object.
I dont think I'm explaining what I mean properly so i'l leave it there.
Posts: 644 | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Angel Heart: Dear Bigtum, God created human in many differences to get to know each others. God doesnt see anyone from the looks but from the heart.
Human create racist issue itself. Human who feel they are more than others, human who who feel they are clever than others, human who feel they are the best than others. Nobody is perfect!
See the sky above you... see the ground under you... see the entire world in front of you... see the horizon lays away... how small we are... how nothing we are... how old this universe... only God will stay... only God is great!!
Regards and fight for your life
angelheart thank you for putting across your point so well. it was a joy to read. if only more people accepted as you said that no one is perfect. believe me, i appreciate the diversity in people it makes life interesting. what i find frustrating however is the language barrier. i would love to learn many different languages but it looks too much like hard work lol may i ask what country you were born in? when did you start to learn the english language? i remember about 5 years ago i went to tunisia with my ex girlfriend and we were browsing in a clothes shop and these german people walked in, and immediatly the shopkeeper started speaking to them in their language. i was really impressed! he said that he spoke various languages as well as english i guess because i was born in london and grew up here,i never felt the need to learn another language because most of the people spoke english. even some asian people i knew spoke english. now i realise that it is good to be able to communicate with people in their own language and be make new friends with people that i previously wouldnt have bothered to because of the language barrier. thanks again for your post best wishes from bigtum Posts: 28 | From: home | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Wanderer: Alot of people do have issues with 'mixed race marriages' for lots of reasons. Racism exists in all societies, not as black and white, shades of grey too (oh how clever! lol)
At the end of the day, we go with people we find attractive, personally I find darker skinned people more attractive (i am very pale) but I didn't always, what I found attractive changed as I grew older and changed as a person.
When it comes to relationships and marriage, you also have to think beyond race and initial attraction, like you said, you may find a somali woman attractive for her features but if her beliefs and culture are markedly different to yours then what else is there other than physical?
Many cultures dont base their relationships on physical attraction alone and this could be a little insulting as the only thing you would want someone for in that case is to be on your arm or for sex
I'm not knocking you, attraction is a good thing, but I think you should consider what it is about Egyptian or somali women that attracts you first because as someone said, other than culture or values, women are women regardless of where they are from so if you are only attracted to their physical appearance then its not surprising families would object.
I dont think I'm explaining what I mean properly so i'l leave it there.
hi wanderer, thanks for another well written post. i understood your point perfectly, you put it across very well. i'll tell you something. when i was a young boy growing up in the 1970s i was very shy and didnt talk much and as a result i often felt lonely. then one day i met someone who i felt an instant attraction to. her name was roxxana and as far as i can remember,she was either italian or jewish. anyway we were both attracted to each other and got on really well. i also had my first kiss with her which thrilled me so much. for the first time i fell in love and couldnt wait to see her again. but the next day my mum wouldnt let me see her. i remember walking into my bedroom with tears in my eyes as i watched my friends downstairs shouting up to me that roxanna was waiting for me. and do you know what? i felt so desperate that i actually considered climbing out of my bedroom window and hang drop down so that i could go to see roxanna but i realised that i was risking my life so i gave up on that idea. anyway by the time i persuaded my mum to let me go out, roxanna had gone and i never saw her again i dont think i stopped crying for most of the day and i went to bed that night and cried myself to sleep. and to this day i still remember the day i first fell in love. i'll never forget it. looking back, i think the mistake i made was to run around telling everyone that would listen that i had fallen in love! i'm not sure but i assume that one of my sisters told my mum and i think that is why she didnt let me go out the next day. for years after my sisters would mercilessly tease me about roxxana which always upset me and made me cry. of course i'm over it now but as i said i wont forget it because for me it was a moment in my life in which i felt so happy and who knows, if i had met her the next day, she may well have become my wife? well, i'll never know now! oh well, thats life Posts: 28 | From: home | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
Parents have their own reasons, they want to prevent any trouble, but I am very sorry that by sharing your joy with others you were let down by them and prevented from enjoying your feelings of love. As parents I do hope we will respond more carefull to the genuine feelings of our youngsters. I for one would not have my son needing to be secretive towards me and I do hope I will joyfully share his excitement of falling in love and catch him when it does not work out. I know my parents would ask them in and that was one sure way for me to keep my interest in someone secret for some time!:-)
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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bigtum - oww what a sweet story, it sucks but It wasn't meant to be with Roxanna
you KNOW she would never have been as good as you think she would have
ANYWAY, your a 'big tum' now so go out there and find yourself another roxanna, it doesnt matter anymore what anyone says, if you find a woman you click with and fall in love, if she is the right one and feels the same way then she will share your views about mixed relationships.
and i forgot to say that i did know a black guy that had an indian wife living in the UK I also know that an uncle of mine apparantly had an african muslim girlfriend that stopped him drinking (good eh?) so in my view, if God wills it to happen then it will happen, as God doesnt distintguish by race or culture Posts: 644 | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Demiana: Parents have their own reasons, they want to prevent any trouble, but I am very sorry that by sharing your joy with others you were let down by them and prevented from enjoying your feelings of love. As parents I do hope we will respond more carefull to the genuine feelings of our youngsters. I for one would not have my son needing to be secretive towards me and I do hope I will joyfully share his excitement of falling in love and catch him when it does not work out. I know my parents would ask them in and that was one sure way for me to keep my interest in someone secret for some time!:-)
true looking back i think my mum was just trying to protect me, although at the time i was broken in my heart. funny enough not that long ago i caught with a childhood pal and he told me he had seen her in mcdonalds and asked her if she remembered me...and she did naturally i asked him how she looks nowadays and he said she was fit! man i felt glad n sad at the same time...glad cause i knew she would grow into a prettier woman and i was sad because of what could have been..but wasnt if i ever become father to a son i will advise him to do his best to get a good education,take care of himself, be a gentleman(always) get to know someone well before deciding to marry and to remain a virgin until he finds the right woman to be his wife. remember she is...a blessing from god...never let anything come between them and above all love god because without him we would not have anything.
Posts: 28 | From: home | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Wanderer: bigtum - oww what a sweet story, it sucks but It wasn't meant to be with Roxanna
you KNOW she would never have been as good as you think she would have
ANYWAY, your a 'big tum' now so go out there and find yourself another roxanna, it doesnt matter anymore what anyone says, if you find a woman you click with and fall in love, if she is the right one and feels the same way then she will share your views about mixed relationships.
and i forgot to say that i did know a black guy that had an indian wife living in the UK I also know that an uncle of mine apparantly had an african muslim girlfriend that stopped him drinking (good eh?) so in my view, if God wills it to happen then it will happen, as God doesnt distintguish by race or culture
hi again i honestly dont know any indian woman that has a black husband. on the rare occasion ive seen a white man holding hands with a indian lady...(i presume they were a couple in love?) i remember watching a day time talk show called 'kilroy' some years ago and they were discussing mixed marriage. and there was one indian or pakistani man who was absolutely against mixed marriage! he just did not believe in it at all, and he said if ANY of his children ever decided to marry outside their race, they would be disowned for life! naturally people in the audience felt he was being too strict, but he said he prefer to stick to his religious and family values rather than abandon it and become 'westernized'. what if i were his son and i fell in love with a white woman? why should that bring shame on the family? and why should a son/daughter be disowned for that? this is why i want to find out how young people feel about 'arranged marriages'? i think it would be wrong to assume that asian sons or daughters just accept everything they are taught by their parents. would questioning your parents decisions be viewed as disrespectful? how did you feel as you were growing up? did you ask 'why'? or were you made to believe that your parents are always right? how does one assert their right to question without being viewed as rebellious? it must be difficult...surely? regards bigtum
Posts: 28 | From: home | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
I was friends with an Indian woman married to a black man against the wishes of their respective families some 30 years ago. She told me she underestimated the pain of not having familymembers, aunts, grandparents, nieces and nephews in the lives of her children and themselves. The burden of having to be everything to each other got to them and they did not make it and I felt sorry for all of them, they had several children growing up.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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quote:Originally posted by Demiana: I was friends with an Indian woman married to a black man against the wishes of their respective families some 30 years ago. She told me she underestimated the pain of not having familymembers, aunts, grandparents, nieces and nephews in the lives of her children and themselves. The burden of having to be everything to each other got to them and they did not make it and I felt sorry for all of them, they had several children growing up.
thanks for sharing that demiana. i can understand the india woman's despair after all indian people tend to be closely knit people, family is so important to them. i think it is so sad to know that a couple divorced because family members rejected them. this is why i strongly believe there is great unhappiness within the asian/indian community. first thing that would make someone unhappy is one's parents denying their childrens rights to decide for themselves as to who they desire to marry. to reject your own son or daughter because they married outside their race is terrible. that is like treating them as property instead of human beings. as i said in my earlier post, my own parents tried to prevent me mixing with white people but i still formed friendships with white people. and yes they were not good as gold, then again where is there a single human that never makes a wrong step? i knew my parents reasonings were wrong even though i was a young child. even at a young age i could see fatal flaws in their reasonings. ones skin colour doesnt make one inclined to be naughty and another race to be good! they may have been trying to protect me but you dont protect your kids by trying to make them wary of other people based on the colour of their skin. it would have been better if they had said to me everyone is equal and altough skin colour may vary, we are all still the same underneath. wouldnt it bring tears to your eyes to hear a child express such truth? you certainly wouldnt rejoice to hear them expressing hatred of other people would you? yet some do...therefore i think it is reasonable to suggest that that family of that indian woman had all been brought up to believe we are not all equal? afterall if they believed we are all equal they would not have pulled away from her. what do you say? am i wrong to come to that conclusion?
Posts: 28 | From: home | Registered: Jul 2007
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While they're not married, one of my neighbours is of Indian background, maybe Hindu, and her boyfriend that she lives with is afro-caribbean background. Both have obviously grown up in England though. I live in a part of London where mixed-race relationships are all around me and don't raise any eyebrows at all. At one point in my small block of flats there were mixed polish/pakistani couples, chinese/white couples, black/white couples, indian/white, and now indian/black. I couldn't begin to guess the mixture of religions that might be there!
Posts: 5593 | From: Egypt | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
well man and woman are made for each other...i cant see why some people see skin colour as a bad thing? i would marry a woman of any race and it would not bother me if my parents objected or anyone else. i'm all for mixed race marriage...if a man and woman are in true love why should they not get wed? i think indian/pakistani women are beautiful and every now and then i see one that catches my eye but thats as far as it goes and thats ok.
Posts: 28 | From: home | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
That is a very idealistic stance Bigtum. I must say that I am very happy to have both our families accept us as we are and we have their support no matter what. I would not know what I would have done, caring for my children without them. They are invaluable to me, to us. Family gives a great sense of belonging of knowing who you are despite the differences, sharing the familytales is invaluable to your children, they can see in front of them where they are coming from and who they are. Even their flaws and peculiarities can be familiar to your own and accepting them and seeing them accepting you can make you feel good about life despite all its challenges. It would have been a lot different and very difficult to live with children just us as a nuclear family. I don't know if I could have done it. Of course you can try and work things out having friends and neighbours, we do, and I do appreciate them a lot, but there is nothing like family especially in our type of marriages.
And indeed it is to bad if your marriage will fail because of family. I would not succumb to blackmail from my family but I would not underestimate being without them either.
Take care Bigtum
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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i know exactley how u may feel my parents want me to move to spain with them but there is a consiquence finishing with my future husband my mum is fine about him his colour and beliefs but my dad is a racist and so are my brothers i have 3 its really hard
Posts: 197 | From: hertford england | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
Bigtum - As well as the Black guy, indian woman couple, I also know of two indian girl/white english man couples.
I think it depends on the families, some are strict about mixed marriages, some allow their children to chose their partner (muslims) and others believe in forced or arranged marriages.
In the case of the latter it would be very hard for an asian girl to go against her family, very hard. But all families are different.
I am white and was non muslim before meeting my husband, who is muslim egyptian. A muslim, east african friend of mine said she would never want her children to marry an english non muslim, however, now that she has seen that a non muslim can embrace islam and turn their life around or share many islamic values that she didnt feel were possible (based on knowing me and my husband) subhanallah she has changed her views completely! Now she says she would allow it.
so my point is that I think the world is changing and it depends on individual families Posts: 644 | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
[QUOTE]Originally posted by bigtum: may i ask what country you were born in? when did you start to learn the english language?
Dear Bigtum, I was born in Indonesia, and have learned English at school since I was a little girl, and as a moslemah, i get an added value to be able to read Al Quran and speak little arabic. When I was in senior high school, I chose to study foreign language, such as Japanese and Germany in Goethe Institut as well. . DAS LEBEN IST DIE LIEBE!
Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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