posted
I am sure all of us here including me have things we wish it never happened to us or anyone else mistakes, faults sometimes things happen you have nothing to do with, whatever it is would you hide these things from your future partner? specially if it's over, just another story in your past or would you talk and share it what if you hide it, is it considered lying? specially if u r asked about it? I hope i made my questions clear, ask if something i couldn't make clear enough thanks
Posts: 76 | From: Hurghada | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
If you 'know' who you really are, and accept yourself with your strengths and weaknesses, then you would have no problem being honest about your life, and about your past mistakes etc..with a future husband.
If you are afraid of the reaction of your future husband towards your past mistakes etc.. then you may know within yourself, that he is not 'really' the right man for you.
Personally, I think you should be proud of who you are, and who you have become, which is the outcome of an accumulation of life experiences.
If he leaves you, GOOD RIDDANCE! he is not worthy of you. It is that simple!
Have a great day!
Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2007
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Everyone has the right to have a few secrets in life so no "not mentioning" them is not lying. (Just personal opinion)
Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006
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Not mentioning it, IMO is lying. Not only in my opinion, there are laws about this! Suppression, concealment can be a act of crime! So, when it is forbidden to remain silence is some cases by law, why should it be acceptable in a relationship?
When somebody has done bad things in his/her past, and is afraid of the consequences of their behaviour when this should become known by the current partner, there, again, is something wrong in their relationship.
I am convinced that, in a good relationship, everything must be open for reason. Honesty is one of the most important matters in a relationship. If your relationship is not based on total honesty and open-ness ( is this the good word???), you are holding up a fake image of the person you are. You are letting your partner believe in somebody who isn`t for real...
I think you should appreciate your partner loving you because of who you are. And you are the person with a past, including your good and bad characteristics.
So, I don`t know what`s the bad in your past, but I should advice you to be honest. Don`t spare yourself, and don`t try to justify yourself. You seem to did wrong, and this is a part of you. Just try to explain the backlaying reasons for this mistakes.
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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I know you are right ????? Not mentioning is indeed lying ... if you are talking about major issues.
Not mentioning little stuff to a future husband / your own husband is not so bad. (examples ; you made a little scratch in his car and you only tell him after he noticed it himself / your dress was sooo expensive and even if you work for it yourself, you don't name the exact price to your husband ) (but as I said, it is my personal opinion ...)
Honesty about things that really matter in life is of course the best.
Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006
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In my personal expierence people ( not only a partner) even will appreciate you more when you are honest about your own mistakes and failures. For me it is just logical to deal with the consequences of your own acts. If I did wrong, made mistakes, I`m not trying to talk right what is wrong. So, they will get every oppurtunity to blame me for what I did.And, often, they don`t. Because if you are able to explain the reasons why, often it is understandable.Everybody makes mistakes, this is human. Trying to hide them, or trying to make it look in another way, to avoid the consequences that may follow out of your own acts, in my opinion is more wrong then making mistakes. I cannot be proud of myself when I should do this. I can be when I am honest about myself; as a human being, with the good and bad inside of me. And of course this is not about material things like a scratch on a car or a to expensive dress.It is about the emotional aspects in a relationship: being honest about and to yourself. I cannot have peace in mind when I`m not honest about and to myself, and I think nobody can.There will always be that secret thing on the background and being scared when it should be discovered.And then it is really loss of face, loss of trust...
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Just me: I am sure all of us here including me have things we wish it never happened to us or anyone else mistakes, faults sometimes things happen you have nothing to do with, whatever it is would you hide these things from your future partner? specially if it's over, just another story in your past or would you talk and share it what if you hide it, is it considered lying? specially if u r asked about it? I hope i made my questions clear, ask if something i couldn't make clear enough thanks
To you personally: Just ask yourself the following question: How should you feel when you discover the same about your partner and he/she did not mention it, even after asking about it?
Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Almaz.: If you 'know' who you really are, and accept yourself with your strengths and weaknesses, then you would have no problem being honest about your life, and about your past mistakes etc..with a future husband.
If you are afraid of the reaction of your future husband towards your past mistakes etc.. then you may know within yourself, that he is not 'really' the right man for you.
Personally, I think you should be proud of who you are, and who you have become, which is the outcome of an accumulation of life experiences.
If he leaves you, GOOD RIDDANCE! he is not worthy of you. It is that simple!
Have a great day!
great advice.... for a woman I am a guy Posts: 76 | From: Hurghada | Registered: Mar 2007
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quote: To you personally: Just ask yourself the following question: How should you feel when you discover the same about your partner and he/she did not mention it, even after asking about it?
well I wouldn't lie or hide anyway how I am today good or bad whatever you see in me is the work of my yesterday so even if i did something I am not so proud of at least i am trying to be a better person each and every day to come yes if someone i will meet one day i will make sure SHE ( I am a guy ) knows all about me, honestly, like or not that would be up to her I am not judgemental over all but I still think there are some details , little ones that should not be mentioned like for example, I had a past relation with a girl and it's over, I don't need to say all the up's and down's of it specially if it's bad memory, but i didn't lie as far as a past relation i had just not giving much details about it. so it's almost like hiding that part of details. thanks all for the replies
Posts: 76 | From: Hurghada | Registered: Mar 2007
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I think it is just not possible to "lay it all on the line" as they say in the beginning of a relationship. We all have SO much history. But I have to say that even though I am not necessarily proud about everything I've done, I would not hide it. I can understand how someone might want to forget about something in his or her past. Sometimes we just want to forget a bad experience.
Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2005
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Sure there are things ppl prefer to forget.But after specially asked to it, means that it still is in mind. And not mentioning it then is lying! Simple as that.
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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just be honest tell them everything if the man/woman runs a mile they are not worth it
Posts: 197 | From: hertford england | Registered: Jul 2007
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I don't tell anything about anything to a man.
If he asks, I just say - "let's not talk about it, focus on the present, there is nothing to be talked about from my perspective".
If he asks even more direct questions, I say - "Let's not go into that, I don't like to answer on questions of that nature". Or "why are we talking about this? where is this going? "
I think this is your right if you don't feel like talking. It's not lying it's not wanting to talk about it. You want to focus on the present.
When you meet the right guy he doesn't ask you anything, both of you just talk about everything sponteniously. HOWEVER, in general I don't like answering on questions about anything that is investigative in nature. It also depends how he asks, and why is he asking. If he doesn't ask I may say more. I dont answer to anyone...
If a man is persistent and is putting lots of effort into finding out things I think has nothing to do with him ( for instance ) I start questioning his intentions, and he becomes less attractive to me.
Posts: 1039 | Registered: Jun 2007
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In Egypt families don`t only investigate your past, also the past of the whole family! A person became the person he/she is at the moment because of that past and the picture can be completed by information about the family. I think only the present gives a very limited impression, besides that, it looks like there is something to hide when a person simply refuses to answer. Kind of strange...
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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quote:Originally posted by ?????: Not mentioning it, IMO is lying. Not only in my opinion, there are laws about this!
When I was married I forgot to tell my husband that I hit the concrete well top in the front yard with my car. I was trying to load something and tried to pull as close as possible and i hit it. It scratched the front of my bumper and put some dings in it. Anyway, I forgot to tell my husband, he saw it and came in the house and asked me what happened. Since I didnt tell him before he asked me, he considered me ""lying" to him. I could give you many examples of this from over the years of my marriage,me being a forgetful person and having so much going on, I am human and yes I forgot things. He considered anything not told to him as a "LIE", and therefore he married a "LIAR" .The family therapist I had after I divorced told me this is an example of INSECURITY, which eventually turns into CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR and it was a form of abuse he commited against me. Lying is telling a person something you know is not the truth, for whatever reason,or when confronted with something the person deliberately denies the facts. Simply forgetting to tell someone something or not talking about something is NOT Lying!! Im suprised that someone who proclaims to be a therapist exhibits this type of insecurity and advocates what therapists and domestic abuse experts consider as a BIG RED FLAG in predicting domestic violence Posts: 1121 | From: Too crazy to look at a freakin map to find out.. | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by ?????: Not mentioning it, IMO is lying. Not only in my opinion, there are laws about this!
When I was married I forgot to tell my husband that I hit the concrete well top in the front yard with my car. I was trying to load something and tried to pull as close as possible and i hit it. It scratched the front of my bumper and put some dings in it. Anyway, I forgot to tell my husband, he saw it and came in the house and asked me what happened. Since I didnt tell him before he asked me, he considered me ""lying" to him. I could give you many examples of this from over the years of my marriage,me being a forgetful person and having so much going on, I am human and yes I forgot things. He considered anything not told to him as a "LIE", and therefore he married a "LIAR" .The family therapist I had after I divorced told me this is an example of INSECURITY, which eventually turns into CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR and it was a form of abuse he commited against me. Lying is telling a person something you know is not the truth, for whatever reason,or when confronted with something the person deliberately denies the facts. Simply forgetting to tell someone something or not talking about something is NOT Lying!! Im suprised that someone who proclaims to be a therapist exhibits this type of insecurity and advocates what therapists and domestic abuse experts consider as a BIG RED FLAG in predicting domestic violence
ok that's a messed up guy, good for you, that you divorced
Posts: 76 | From: Hurghada | Registered: Mar 2007
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quote:Originally posted by ?????: In Egypt families don`t only investigate your past, also the past of the whole family! A person became the person he/she is at the moment because of that past and the picture can be completed by information about the family. I think only the present gives a very limited impression, besides that, it looks like there is something to hide when a person simply refuses to answer. Kind of strange...
posted
I guess it depends on what it is and how your partner feels about the matter. What is past is past IMO. Whatever happened in the past before you met or got involved with your SO shouldn't matter and you shouldn't have to hide it.
Posts: 2735 | From: my desk | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by ?????: Not mentioning it, IMO is lying. Not only in my opinion, there are laws about this!
When I was married I forgot to tell my husband that I hit the concrete well top in the front yard with my car. I was trying to load something and tried to pull as close as possible and i hit it. It scratched the front of my bumper and put some dings in it. Anyway, I forgot to tell my husband, he saw it and came in the house and asked me what happened. Since I didnt tell him before he asked me, he considered me ""lying" to him. I could give you many examples of this from over the years of my marriage,me being a forgetful person and having so much going on, I am human and yes I forgot things. He considered anything not told to him as a "LIE", and therefore he married a "LIAR" .The family therapist I had after I divorced told me this is an example of INSECURITY, which eventually turns into CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR and it was a form of abuse he commited against me. Lying is telling a person something you know is not the truth, for whatever reason,or when confronted with something the person deliberately denies the facts. Simply forgetting to tell someone something or not talking about something is NOT Lying!! Im suprised that someone who proclaims to be a therapist exhibits this type of insecurity and advocates what therapists and domestic abuse experts consider as a BIG RED FLAG in predicting domestic violence
I thought I made clear that I was talking on important issues, and not such a thing as a damaged car. Maybe you misunderstood me in this. I understand you are kind of allergic for statements as this, but it really is te way I told you. If you are trying to get your house insured against fire, and you "forget"to mention that you once have had your house burned down, you`re breaking the law. If you are in a online relationship and you "forget" to mention that you have had several identical relationships before ( what should possibly can lead to a red flag) it is as also not an example of reliable behaviour, specially when there has been asked for... In this case the writer is in a online relationship and he is doubting about hiding something, and he is thinking about it. When the matter should be discovered later, he should explain it as "forgotten to mention". I don`t think you would feel very happy when it should happen to you. I also think Just Me should feel very happy when his online-friend should intentional hide certain important matters out of her past for him, and make the excuse that she has forgotten. I`m talkin about things that should place somebody in another light.... It is just misleading a partner...
Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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BTW, Rumy, I see you`re mentioning again that I should have said that I am a therapist. I am not, and I never have said that.
Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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????, Im glad to know that you judge people's experiences as unimportant. You missed my point, I was using the car as an example of how much this line of thinking can spiral out of control, affecting even the most insignificant event. I am an example of how people are treated when they share painful information, you dismissed my experiences as unimportant. The past is past, it can be painful to remember the past or shameful to let people know it. For example, if a woman was raped, this a painful and traumatic thing and it takes time and trust to tell their new partner this.Maybe she was abused sexually her whole life, or her parents were crack addicts who sold her on the street for drugs. Your line of thinking is dangerous.She doesnt have to share this information until she is ready, if at all. Any man or woman who are starting a relationship take the time to learn and trust each other. Keeping painful experiences in the past, it is their right and it is not considered lying. I believe my therapist, not you. Your opinions are very narrow minded, and this is why sometimes I am allergic to your posts. I am expressing an opinion to counter yours, and you dont seem to like when people do that. You have your opinion, I have mine. Mine are based on my own life experiences and the advice of experts, what are yours based on????
Posts: 1121 | From: Too crazy to look at a freakin map to find out.. | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by ?????: BTW, Rumy, I see you`re mentioning again that I should have said that I am a therapist. I am not, and I never have said that.
I know several times over the past year, you have said that you have counseled people. You have made reference to this, and in my country counselor/therapist is essentially the same.I wouldnt just come up with this, I came to a conclusion through the things that you say in your postings. I am glad to find out you are not, cause alot your views alarm me. I will now look at your opinions as just those of a person who is the same as all of us- just participating in a forum and putting your opinion out there.. Sorry for the misunderstanding Posts: 1121 | From: Too crazy to look at a freakin map to find out.. | Registered: Sep 2006
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Not counseling, coaching!!!That`s something different, Rumy! But you can look it back, I really never said I was a counselor.
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Just me: I am sure all of us here including me have things we wish it never happened to us or anyone else mistakes, faults sometimes things happen you have nothing to do with, whatever it is would you hide these things from your future partner? specially if it's over, just another story in your past or would you talk and share it what if you hide it, is it considered lying? specially if u r asked about it? I hope i made my questions clear, ask if something i couldn't make clear enough thanks
I will hide as hell. Men usually use too much information against us when we least expect it. Closeness does not mean spilling guts in my book. And I do not expect it from him either. If something comes out, I will tell, sure, but if my guy does not understand why I chose not to offer those juicy details, he probably should not be my guy anyway. Posts: 2238 | From: Mother Earth | Registered: Jun 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Just me: I am sure all of us here including me have things we wish it never happened to us or anyone else mistakes, faults sometimes things happen you have nothing to do with, whatever it is would you hide these things from your future partner? specially if it's over, just another story in your past or would you talk and share it what if you hide it, is it considered lying? specially if u r asked about it? I hope i made my questions clear, ask if something i couldn't make clear enough thanks
I will hide as hell. Men usually use too much information against us when we least expect it. Closeness does not mean spilling guts in my book. And I do not expect it from him either. If something comes out, I will tell, sure, but if my guy does not understand why I chose not to offer those juicy details, he probably should not be my guy anyway.
Standing Ovation and a Big Amen!!!. I love your thinking kara, its exactly how I feel. My guy is wonderful, he wants me to share in my own time and I really love that about him. Posts: 1121 | From: Too crazy to look at a freakin map to find out.. | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
To stay by the topic: Suppose you are in a new (online) relationship and there have been major issues in the past. Your partner is asking you questions about your past, and the subject is exactly the one which you prefer not to talk about it, because it probably would change his kind of view about you. Should you hide?
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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quote:Originally posted by ?????: To stay by the topic: Suppose you are in a new (online) relationship and there have been major issues in the past. Your partner is asking you questions about your past, and the subject is exactly the one which you prefer not to talk about it, because it probably would change his kind of view about you. Should you hide?
If he is asking about health and wellness issues from my past that COULD AFFECT him if we got together - tell. If he is asking how many guys have I slept with in the past - charmingly change the subject and inform him that there are certain things from my romantic resume no man is allowed to know.
Posts: 2238 | From: Mother Earth | Registered: Jun 2004
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Standing Ovation and a Big Amen!!!. I love your thinking kara, its exactly how I feel. My guy is wonderful, he wants me to share in my own time and I really love that about him. [Smile]
i second that rumi, kara you are right on Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
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quote:Originally posted by ?????: How many guys isn`t a major issue...IMHO...
It is actually a MAJOR issue to most guys: don't forget they all strive to get married to virgins.
Every person cares about different things. While someone will hide at all costs what sexual positions she/he has managed to 'exercise' in the past, someone else would never admit to masturbation, or taking drugs, or yelling at his dog. Posts: 2238 | From: Mother Earth | Registered: Jun 2004
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Am online relationship has been mentioned and frankly I just don't think there is any such animal. You can have an online introduction but a relationship only happens when you meet face to face.
I don't have any secrets, I am who my past has made me. But there are things that I don't necessarily push in someone else's face. But if asked I will tell.
-------------------- Jane Akshar UK Co-owner of www.flatsinluxor.co.uk Appartments and Tours in Luxor Posts: 2791 | From: www.flatsinluxor.co.uk, Luxor, Egypt | Registered: Jan 2003
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If people are afraid to lose the future partner if they reveal the truth, what if the other finds out later and leaves anyway, after marriage and children?
I do believe that trust is built with honesty and integrity, not secrets and lies.
Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2007
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Of course , Almaz. Even asking yourself (or others here on the board) questions regarding to tell or to hide for me is significant. I don`t think this is about "little" things as children secretly taking a cookie out of the mothers cookiejar. Reasons to de afraid to lose a partner must be major. I don`t think there are persons who are afraid to lose a possible partner by confessing ocassionaly using drugs, masturbation or take that cookie. The most beautiful in hiding is that it often becomes clear on time. Because someone we has something to hide ( or more things to hide) constantly must have in mind that he has to avoid certain subjects, his earlier exploinations, etc. And he will make mistakes in that. As soon as he is going to make mistakes, he has to lie again, and also keep this lies in mind. It stackens one lie above the other, and in the end it will be impossible to remember all this lies. Then you`re going to see the subject avoiding, turning around the subject person with the vague exploinantions who can`t look reliable to anyone. Trust dissappears, and partner will end it too. So, telling the truth, to me, seems better in ALL ways.
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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OK I agree that we can lie on the cookies but tell about 4 previous marriages... The list can go on and on. In my heart I belive trust to be the most important factor of any successful relationsip. Also respect. However, there are things in our life that happened and will not be 'unhappened' that will not necessarily contribute to bettering the relationship and they may, just may destroy it. In that case I drink shut up juice and go on. Some people prefer complete 'cleanup' and that is good too. Just depends what rings the bell for whom. Personally, I think too much truth can hurt beyond repair while not saying it would be just fine, but it is a personal preference. Mine is based on extended knowledge of male psychology, but also feelings du jour count. I wish us all best of luck in hiding, spilling the beans, shouting the truth, keeping silent as our grandpa's grave, and so on. Whatever makes us loved and happy.
Posts: 2238 | From: Mother Earth | Registered: Jun 2004
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quote:Originally posted by ?????: To stay by the topic: Suppose you are in a new (online) relationship and there have been major issues in the past. Your partner is asking you questions about your past, and the subject is exactly the one which you prefer not to talk about it, because it probably would change his kind of view about you. Should you hide?
I would not tell. Less is better..
WHY: Past is over, we should not focus on past, present is more important.
What's major issue to one person may be completelly ordinary and normal to another.
In order for him to know "all about me", I prefer him to know me through "OUR" experience not through questioning, or what other people tell him.
My whole life is not to be simply ANSWERED about, maybe we can share here and there a few events but no questioning.
I had an experience where a man would ask me private questions in times when he wasn't even in the same country as I, have no idea what had happened, wasn't there, don't know people who were involved and still believed he has right to question, judge AND/OR
dictate to me how should I think, feel and live from that point on ( just because he is "interested" in me ) or impose some control over what should I do with rest of my life from that point on.
Obviously such man is not in accord with you thus don't tell and just move.
Or you have an option to question him after he questions you, to determine what's the "real" reason he is questioning. Is his motive positive or negative? Then go from there...
Posts: 1039 | Registered: Jun 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Almaz.: How about building TRUST?
If people are afraid to lose the future partner if they reveal the truth, what if the other finds out later and leaves anyway, after marriage and children?
I do believe that trust is built with honesty and integrity, not secrets and lies.
Building trust, yes, but with right person.
If I lose the partner there is always another one. If he is going to be lost over such thing as people's past - then he is not a partner for me anyway. I would in fact love to meet a man who had similar past such as myself so that he can better understand my life.
I myself NEVER ask people what happend in their life unless they talk to me about it on their own. And if they never tell me, I would think that's because they don't feel safe to reveal their life to me, or because it's not time yet, or because they don't want to focus on what had happened but on what is happening now, and so on...
In other words as Lama stated somehwere, when people don't want to tell you, you have something with it more than the person who refuses to talk.
Besides that, being 100% honest and answering on all questions with every single man I meet who wonders about me and my life is ridiculous. I feel that people who question you a lot have no manners , period. Talking, sharing ok, questioning absolutelly not.
I do agree about being honest with person who is proven to be trustworthy. However, he must deserve and show me first that he is capable of handling such disscusions. That's why as I said, I would rather be with someone who had similar life like myself than with some perfectionist who believes that everything must be black and white, you are either bad or good... etc.
This type of thinking can only come from someone who was raised and treated harshly and cruel so they simply have never learned what's compassion and understanding because they were not raised and treated with compassion and understanding. Such people often question you and are being so judgmental and crtitical of everything and everyone.
I would rather be with someone who is not so perfect and who can tolerate my imperfections, someone who respects you enough so he would not want to question you and put you on the spot to re-live or explain your life but to be more tactful and understanding, and more understanding...
Posts: 1039 | Registered: Jun 2007
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"A person that can tolerate an imperfection" means endure something what is negative or bad, a certain aspect of suffering is in it. Do you really feel that you are somebody who has things in her past that have to be t o l e r a t e d????? It doesn't sound like you are satisfied with your past, and to me it doesn't sound as a good state of mind. Everyones past is a collection of expierences that made us the person we are now. And if there have happened certain things that you shouldn`t do again, but they just happened, without having bad intentions, why should these have to be t o l e r a t e d? It is no disgrace!
Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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???? "I want a person that can tolerate my imperfections" - means excatly what I have said. I am saying I don't want a person who is perfectionist, and expects me to be perfect, when I know that he is not perfect himself, as perfect can only be God ( Allah ) so why having false expectations if person with ordinary intelligence knows nobody can be 100% in anything.
Logically, if I acknowledge to myself that I am not perfect, than I can't expect from other people to be perfect either, thus there is a better understaning between us.
I understand what you meant in regards of "tolerating". Tolerance is great quality, imagine how world would be cruel if there is no tolerance. Tolerance is the ability of a person to recognize and respect the beliefs or practices of others.
Leeway for variation from a standard.
I am satisfied with my past and with my life.
Everything that took place was MY RESPONSIBILITY, thus nobody here or in the world can say anything because I at least don't blame other people, whatever happened it was my choice, or in other words if I have made a mistake, it was my fault. I made good choices too, you can't be one sided.
I don't see it as bad, I see it as life. If you hear other people's problems, you would realize how happy I am with what I've got.
Why my imperfections should be tolerated? Well, I would NOT, read again - would NOT marry a man or chose to be with a man who would be source of condemnation. That's ridiculous! You can't expect perfection if you know you yourself are not perfect.
Posts: 1039 | Registered: Jun 2007
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I think it is important to build trust by sharing your life........but I don't really want to sit there and hear about my husband''s ex-girlfriends and so on. And, out of respect for him, I know he does not want to hear about mine.
So, how is omitting that information like lieing? We love eachother more than enough I just really don't care because it is a past that had nothing to do with us.
I think, in these cases it is better for us not to bother with that stuff unless one of us asks the other to share it.
posted
I think right now we`re talking about something that wasnt meant in the first topic. Of course a new partner wont question you about your past, like a detective in an investigation. But, I can imagine that, when a Western girl/woman becomes something more as just a friend in an onlinerelationship with a Egyptian man she will have doubts. First because it is an online relationship and they dont know each other in real, second because of all of the stories. So, if she askes specially to his past in his former relationshipfield, before actually traveling to Egypt, it would be understandable. After all it has been a rather abstract personality, writing behind a real person she never has seen. So, she askes, and the man is doubting about telling her the complete truth or not. That indicates that there are certain things in his past that possibly should change her mind about him, and he doesnt want to lose her, whatever his reason might be. So, he is asking what should be the best, hide it, and maybe tell it later (or not at all) or telling the truth with the risk to lose her. On long tem she will discover anyway, and again he might lose her. I should like to ear what Just Me decided in this. Because it IS a dilemma. It is a difficult matter because he understands very well that he should tell her the truth, but when???
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
Keeping the past to one's self and pretending not to be 'married' in the present, while in a relationship, are two different issues.
Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
I don't know story but truth if you decide to tell all, should be told by both people not by only one.
So if one person asks for truth he must be willing to reveal his truth first. Otherwise if you can't tell about yourself, better don't ask too much.
So instead of asking "are you married?" better say "I am not married, are you?"
Instead of "How old are you?" better say " I am 30 or in my 30's or in my 20's, 40's how young/old are you?"
Instead of "do you have any children? better say "I don't have any children/I have a child, do you have any children? " and so on...
Demending to know without sharing, and questioning/investigating for the sake of curiousity or just to find out and never share anything is - definite no no.
Posts: 1039 | Registered: Jun 2007
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Not mentioning is indeed lying ... if you are talking about major issues.![[Wink]](wink.gif)
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.The family therapist I had after I divorced told me this is an example of INSECURITY, which eventually turns into CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR and it was a form of abuse he commited against me. Lying is telling a person something you know is not the truth, for whatever reason,or when confronted with something the person deliberately denies the facts. Simply forgetting to tell someone something or not talking about something is NOT Lying!! Im suprised that someone who proclaims to be a therapist exhibits this type of insecurity and advocates what therapists and domestic abuse experts consider as a BIG RED FLAG in predicting domestic violence ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
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