posted
I just wrote him a letter and I am not sure if it was a mistake - but I had to get it off my heart. I know he will never go in here and read it so I wanted to send it into the anonymous world of innerspace and get opinions. Here goes nothing.
--------------- Dear Ahmed,
You are going to think that I am so silly to be writing this or to even think about this still. I mean, I am happily married and I have a good life now … but the truth is I am still working on healing my heart. So, I know I can trust you to keep this conversation private between you and I. I am going back home in one week and I wanted to say all this before I go away.
There are so many things I never told you and that always haunted me. They will not fix anything now but I hope I will find peace in at least telling you these things. I need the peace. My life is good now and I want to have peace in my heart … but I never will until I close the book on you.
I cannot say I love you as I did when I was your wife, that was a different life, but, of course, I will always have love for you in my heart; the kind that would always be there for you if you ever needed anything. Afterall, you were my husband and I did marry you for love … even if I was not equipped to fully live it at the time.
Ahmed, I am sorry if I failed you as a woman and a wife. I look back at it all now and I know there were so many things I could have done differently. I was so rude to you when in fact I was just scared. My fear made me defensive and made me feel I had to attack you to protect myself from you. There were so many things being whispered in my ears: that you were cheating, Lisa the Puerto Rican girl, the Lebanese girl and her e-mails telling me I was a fool and that you were with her always, your cousin telling me that you said I was not really your wife but that I was your girlfriend, that you married me for papers, that you talked bad about me behind my back. So much. I told myself not to believe it…but at night, when you were out there playing video games with your friends in the new apartment, I would lock myself in the bedroom and cry. Cry because I felt like such a fool…I did not think I knew the man I was married to. I felt so alone. So scared to tell anyone and to face I had married a man who was so opposite of who I thought he was.
So many nights I tried not to come home…I would work late hours to not be there with you and your friends. I was embarrassed. I felt they knew and laughed behind my back because I was “that dumb ugly girl.” I used to tell you I was staying at my Mom’s for the weekend but I would go to Port Beach and stay there. I was afraid to ask you because I had a gut feeling, in my heart, that you would lie to me anyhow. I did not have the courage to face it.
I never wanted to move to that apartment with you and Khaled. I felt like you only did it because you were planning to divorce me so this was a plan for you and him to live together after you got rid of me like Mikhael said you were trying to do. I did not want to believe it so I did it to make you happy even tough I did not want him as a roommate. I wanted you to be happy and I wanted to be a part of your life. But that was my mistake. I should have stood up for my marriage. I should have been stronger and not shown my weakness by arguing – I only argued out of fear.
Ahmed, I am sorry I left you in the middle of the day without even telling you why. I tried to after that…but I know it was too late. You did not care anymore and I was too lost in my own actions. I left because I was afraid Ahmed – not because I did not love you. You can die knowing I loved you with all my heart and, if in fact you did do those things they accused you of, well, I forgive you because that is what love does. I don’t want to carry bad feelings in my heart for anyone; especially not a man I married out of love.
I knew I made a mistake in not telling you all this at the time. I should have been more open but understand my fears. Still, I look at my life now Ahmed and I would not change anything for the whole world. I have more than I ever dreamed of. I am not saying I am glad we got divorced, because that was a horrible experience for me, but I am saying that I am glad to be married to my husband now and to have my beautiful daughter. I love my life. I have done so much since we last were together. I traveled the world a lot. Lived in the big city. Finished school. Changed careers. Opened up my own company. Learned a new language. And fallen in love with the father of my child. Life has been good to me.
However, I just need to find a way to heal my heart because you were a big part of it and I don’t want to treat it badly. I wish I could have your answers heal me … if I could believe you. I have asked you so many times if you cheated but you say you did not. I have to accept that.
Ahmed, I did and I am sorry. I truly am. I know most women would say that we should never tell a man that we cheated because it makes us look bad. I also know God has already forgiven me. However, I want you to know Ahmed because I don’t think you deserved it. I also want you to know why so that you don’t make the same mistakes again when you get married.
I felt like I was always last in your life. You had family, school, friends, and then at the end there was me. You even brought your friends on our Friday date nights. It was like you could not stand to spend time with me. There were so many people telling me things about you that hurt me and you did not try to fix them and comfort me. Instead you went on in your life like I was crazy. It hurt and made me feel alone.
Then I met someone who made me feel like I was not crazy and that I should be treated with respect. He knew I was married and he was only a friend but when I was trying to leave you he comforted me. I was weak and I ran to him when you broke my heart. It is something I had to work very hard at forgiving myself for. I felt so dirty that I could not go back home to you Ahmed. That is why I left you. I did not want you to live with a woman who cheated on you. I felt disgusting, dirty, and like a horrible liar. I made a huge mistake and let a man hold me in his arms while I cried and comfort me…when we were married and for this I am sorry. It is a pain I will carry in my heart forever because cheating hurt me more than it ever hurt you. Yet, this is why I left.
And the reason I fell into this man’s trap is because I felt you were cheating on me, as everyone said, that you did not love me, that you used me, and that I was a fool. This man made me feel that I deserved better and he was good to me. I was stupid. I am sorry.
I know that in the end I only wanted to fix things again because I felt so bad for what I did but I knew in my heart we had to move on. There was no way to fix it. It was done.
Ahmed, now you know. You can hate me forever, but I hope you do not. I wanted you to know the whole truth. You deserve to not be a fool who was lied to. I don’t know if you even care anymore but I do and I wanted to tell you.
I will always love you Ahmed. Always. Just not the same. I wish the best for you and I hope you marry a very wonderful woman who treat you right and give you a beautiful family.
Please forgive me Ahmed. I don’t know if there is anything you want to get off your heart but this is mine …and may I finally feel like I lost a brick from my back for it.
So you obviously divorced an Egyptian man (Ahmed is Egyptian?) just to marry another one who abuses you? And you mention in the letter that you are 'happily married' now?!
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
newspaper, i think you should post on your other post because a few people were concerned for you (myself included). You are still with your new husband as you say in the letter to your ex, i feel sorry for your daughter. You seem to be stuck in your life making the wrong choices. I only hope that you will become stronger now you have a child and pray that god gives you strength.
posted
You write very well - whoever you are - but I don't think this letter is necessary -TO BE SENT TO YOUR EX- Especially that you are married.
I'm always wondering how come people care and still love those who mistreated them.And why do people write to their ex when they have moved on and 'married'?
The 'he slaps me... and I stay ' thread is now in better perspective. Maybe subconsciously you think you deserve to be slapped. Who knows?
Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
May I advice you? Take something anonymous as a weblog and write down what you want. Publicing this kind of letters to make yourself feel better, does not work. It only will attrack reactions and you might feel the need to defend yourself while you might not want that. As far as I understand, this are your feelings, on this time, regarding a person that has been, and still might be, important to you. I think your state of mind is running around from positive to negative, so you might change your opinion several times after this. Just write down everything you feel, without getting judgements from others who don`t know anything about you and your situation.( It might be meant as only an attempt to help you, but they are not) Read and read again. Maybe it will bring you what you are looking for. If it doesn`t work, search for professional help. Don`t expect help from good willing people who are only partly informed and are not able to give you a good advice.
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
"So, I know I can trust you to keep this conversation private between you and I."
-meanwhile you publish it on the internet?
with all those names? and details?
Whoever you are, clearly you are not as happy as you are trying to make people believe,you are clinging on to the past because you are too scared to be on your own.
IMO you need counselling to sort out what you are feeling.
to those who asked why people hang on to 'abusive relationships' read about 'stockholm syndrome'
newspaperclipping - you may be convincing yourself that by writing this you are trying to put the past to bed, but in fact it is the opposite, you are reopening old wounds, possibly because you are about to leave an abusive situation so are looking to replace it with more hurt, because that may be what you have become used to.
I hope that you can go home and get some help. Someone once said to me, the only way you can know you are truly over someone is not when you hate them, not when you care, but when you are indifferent.
I also think that you posted this because you want someone to listen, you wont find the help you need here, any more than you will find your answers. Please go and get some counselling.
Posts: 644 | Registered: Jul 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'm a little puzzled as to why some people feel this need to publish things of a personal nature on boards like this. Posts: 370 | From: Other side of reality | Registered: Dec 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
i think you didnt love ahmed to be honest you loved his d i c k and when you found another guy with better performance parts you did do him at the end when your current husband treat you bad will you just find another guy to f u c k?
its amazing that you think a guy you f uck while you married would treat you bad he will respect the A s s he F u c k so any one would be the lover in your next life the love you cheat with will always respect the a s s he gets for free
ask god for forgiveness if you ever known one amr
Posts: 1499 | From: Dark Side of the Moon | Registered: Aug 2007
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by How TO Enjoy Insanity FREE Guide: i think you didnt love ahmed to be honest you loved his d i c k and when you found another guy with better performance parts you did do him at the end when your current husband treat you bad will you just find another guy to f u c k?
its amazing that you think a guy you f uck while you married would treat you bad he will respect the A s s he F u c k so any one would be the lover in your next life the love you cheat with will always respect the a s s he gets for free
ask god for forgiveness if you ever known one amr
what you on about Amr - why don't you just say FACK IT Posts: 5593 | From: Egypt | Registered: Dec 2005
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by How TO Enjoy Insanity FREE Guide: i think you didnt love ahmed to be honest you loved his d i c k and when you found another guy with better performance parts you did do him at the end when your current husband treat you bad will you just find another guy to f u c k?
its amazing that you think a guy you f uck while you married would treat you bad he will respect the A s s he F u c k so any one would be the lover in your next life the love you cheat with will always respect the a s s he gets for free
ask god for forgiveness if you ever known one amr
what you on about Amr - why don't you just say FACK IT
Nothing really just you know me porn movies effect my heart so much It touch me ah now that sound gay amr
Posts: 1499 | From: Dark Side of the Moon | Registered: Aug 2007
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Almaz.: Amr, what happened to respect?
down in the toilet do you how the f u c k it feel that first she dumped him then sending him an email to say ah babe am so sorry i f u cked some one else because i though you cheated on me and also note it wasnt my mistake because my friends told me you cheated on me so i did cheat on you
now sweet heart dont feel bad about me cheating on you because i loved you and will always love you but you just didnt do it for me i had to go for large
almaz my sister sorry you have to hear that but iam aware we both adults and we dont have that virgin ears you been married to egyptain do you have any idea how the f u ck it feels if my wife came to me and say iam sorry i cheated on you i mean god it breaks so much inside you if you dont have faith you could simply kill ur self because you loved that fu ckedup whore and she cheated on you
take my note
IAM NOT SAYING THE GUY IS AN ANGEL OR HE DIDNT CHEAT ON HER BUT WHEN SHE AVIDCE HER REASONS REGARDING CHEATING BECAUSE SHE THOUGH HE DID CHEAT ON HER OR THAT HER FRIENDS TOLD HER THAT MMMMMMMMM porn movie
two simple things i cant handle
man physical abusing a woman in such case i wont say you are bad you doing haram stuff iam gona beat the hell out of him them when he is on the floor saying he is sorry to his woman we can talk then
and woman or a man trying to make excuses because he / she cheated so LAME
amr
Posts: 1499 | From: Dark Side of the Moon | Registered: Aug 2007
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Almaz.: I'm always wondering how come people care and still love those who mistreated them.
Stockholm Syndrome.
I think it`s the result of manipulation, misleading, grooming, in a very sneaky way. Step by step the man makes the woman dependant on him. He shows good sides and bad sides of his character, but always in a way that she still can have an eye for the good side in him. At the same times he is isolating her from her family, her friends, people around. At a certain moment she will not have anybody around as him, with his (she thinks) good things and bad things in his personality. At that moment she has a rope around her neck and he can pull the strings whenever he likes. Maybe you have ever heard about the way young men are recruiting women for prostitution. It is this way. Certain groups of women are vulnerable for it because of their past, but also women who were not vulnerable at all, can become victims of the, if situations are right. A rather new side on this story is the use of the internet. There have been numbers of scientific researches about this, because it is a wolrd-wide problem, and women are victims in many ways. The goal isn`t always prostitution, but can have many sideways. But in all cases it is used to get something in advance, by abusement and manipulation. BTW, also Egyptian women are victims. In many ways. For sex, for prostitution, for money, for status, etc...
Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I must say that i think some of you are being very unkind. Ok this woman has made mistakes but haven't we all at some time.
I really am shocked by the way you are writing back, ok maybe she shouldn't have posted it here i don't know. Maybe she felt she would get some support. Don't forget this is the same women who is beaten by her husband and has a 6-week baby. Maybe she is not at her strongest at the moment.
You know there is a saying here: if you have nothing postive to say, then don't bother!
Newspaper please take care of yourself and your little one - go get some support from somewhere please!
First marriage didn't go well because of mistrust and possible cheating, second one is abusive. She didn't work properly through the end of her first relationship and gave herself some time to heal but instead rushed too fast into a new one.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
happybunny - I wasn't being unkind to her. I was pointing out that it seems as though she is crying out for someone to listen, someone to help ease the way she is feeling. Posting this letter on here or contacting an ex from the past isn't going to resolve how she's feeling now, it is natural to reach back to something especially if she is unhappy now, but it wont help her.
She needs to get counselling, as i said, to help her understand how she is feeling and why, only then will she be able to really think about making a change for her future.
Posts: 644 | Registered: Jul 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
It's ok to write it out, but burn it afterwards!! The letter is for *you* not him. ~Words from experience
Posts: 177 | From: Alexandria,Egypt / Missouri,USA | Registered: May 2006
| IP: Logged |
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[Confused]](confused.gif)
![[Cool]](cool.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic