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The youngest brother of my husband got married without the approval from him and from the oldest brother about a year ago. The reason is because he is still very young (22) and does not have proper work to raise a family.
Till now, my husband does not want to talk to his brother and never want to see or hear anything about his wife. My husband also asked me not to talk with that couple without his permission.
The problem is his brother backs and needs some money for his new babyborn. I really want to help him and want to visit the baby.
I would like to have your opinion what must I do to deal with husband and his "run-away" brother of course in "Egyptian way". Shokran
Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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OMG!! I thought Egyptians are sooooo family-orientated??
What is that with your husband that he does feel so much authority? Is his father already passed away?
You know blood is blood IMHO, he's still his brother, he's married now with a newborn and they are short on finances.
Your husband is able to travel half around the world to marry you and because his own brother got married 'behind his back' (how shameful!!) he doesn't show any sign of support and compassion???
Well guess what, Culture Club, what happens if one of your own kids gets married 'behind his back' one day. Same scenario, same story? Think about it. Good luck and hopefully these both brothers will be able to talk and be helpful to each other again in no time. Remind your husband that to his and now your family also belongs this brother and his family.
Further I can't believe that he ordered you never to talk to your brother-in-law and his wife. You do have a tough stand because you have an extremely good and soft heart. All the best.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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Give him the money in secret, swear him to secrecy not to tell the husband. If your husband finds out, well your intentions were good in helping your brother in-law. If my husband ever insisted I turn my back on family (his or mine) he would get a piece of my mind but that's just me.
Sounds like a control issue and in this nobody wins. When will your husband stop this? When he divorces his wife and leaves his child? I would not play this game, I would give him help in secret as your husband doesn't want to know about it and ask the BIL to keep it private. Otherwise, you will be standing in the wrong position. I'm all about being unified with the husband/wife but in matters of family you have to sometimes go deeper.
Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Tigerlily: OMG!! I thought Egyptians are sooooo family-orientated??
What is that with your husband that he does feel so much authority? Is his father already passed away?
You know blood is blood IMHO, he's still his brother, he's married now with a newborn and they are short on finances.
Your husband is able to travel half around the world to marry you and because his own brother got married 'behind his back' (how shameful!!) he doesn't show any sign of support and compassion???
Well guess what, Culture Club, what happens if one of your own kids gets married 'behind his back' one day. Same scenario, same story? Think about it. Good luck and hopefully these both brothers will be able to talk and be helpful to each other again in no time. Remind your husband that to his and now your family also belongs this brother and his family.
Further I can't believe that he ordered you never to talk to your brother-in-law and his wife. You do have a tough stand because you have an extremely good and soft heart. All the best.
Yes, the life of my husband was very hard, his father has passed away since my husband was a little kid and his mom gave him to other family for milk-feeding, while his eldest brother and mom worked hard. And after my husband got good work, he has been dealing with anything at home as provider to his mom, 2 young brothers and even for oldest ones even for a trifle thing, such as sent mom to see doctor or reported to police about his grandmom's death.
My husband explained that he did that to his brother for giving him a lesson. I tried to calm him by saying that he should see and feel that his brother is like his own kid, cause he provided him anything since his brother was kid (they have huge different age for 11 years). He answered me... "yes of course cause his blood is in my blood."
You can understand, how angry and upset my husband. He always think that his thinking is always right, and he also thinks that his bro will be back and ask for money someday, and it had happened... My husband is a stubborn man, and I know I can't push and interfere my husband to do anything he does not like.
But, I have told my brother in law for coming again at mom's floor and meet my husband there, and bring his wife and new babyborn too, and ask him for forgiveness and kiss his hands (i surely believe that my husband will be melt. I hope it will works.
Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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But, I have told my brother in law for coming again at mom's floor and meet my husband there, and bring his wife and new babyborn too, and ask him for forgiveness and kiss his hands (i surely believe that my husband will be melt. I hope it will works.
ISA.... I hope it all works out for you guys. Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers: Give him the money in secret, swear him to secrecy not to tell the husband. If your husband finds out, well your intentions were good in helping your brother in-law. If my husband ever insisted I turn my back on family (his or mine) he would get a piece of my mind but that's just me.
Sounds like a control issue and in this nobody wins. When will your husband stop this? When he divorces his wife and leaves his child? I would not play this game, I would give him help in secret as your husband doesn't want to know about it and ask the BIL to keep it private. Otherwise, you will be standing in the wrong position. I'm all about being unified with the husband/wife but in matters of family you have to sometimes go deeper.
Yes Smuckers, I want to stand in the middle. I gave him my own money about 800 LE (not money from husband) for his wife and baby, and insisted him to keep it secret and do not tell his wife also, otherwise I will not help him anymore.
I really cannot change my husband from his controlling personality, cause his life had shaped his character, am I right? What I am doing now with him is try to understand the way his thinking and action (I am in his shoes), and give him my thinking in persuasive or soft ways.
I hope it will calm my husband down.
Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers: Give him the money in secret, swear him to secrecy not to tell the husband. If your husband finds out, well your intentions were good in helping your brother in-law. If my husband ever insisted I turn my back on family (his or mine) he would get a piece of my mind but that's just me.
Sounds like a control issue and in this nobody wins. When will your husband stop this? When he divorces his wife and leaves his child? I would not play this game, I would give him help in secret as your husband doesn't want to know about it and ask the BIL to keep it private. Otherwise, you will be standing in the wrong position. I'm all about being unified with the husband/wife but in matters of family you have to sometimes go deeper.
Yes Smuckers, I want to stand in the middle. I gave him my own money about 800 LE (not money from husband) for his wife and baby, and insisted him to keep it secret and do not tell his wife also, otherwise I will not help him anymore.
I really cannot change my husband from his controlling personality, cause his life had shaped his character, am I right? What I am doing now with him is try to understand the way his thinking and action (I am in his shoes), and give him my thinking in persuasive or soft ways.
I hope it will calm my husband down.
Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Tigerlily: It means *Insha'allah*... so when will the meeting take place, perhaps today?
Does the whole family live in one building?
Not today, but after my husband finishes his dead-line work. Inshaallah at the day after tomorrow.
Yes, my Egyptian mom lives in a floor in a building which is in front of her sons' floors in 1 building above their "cafe".
Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers: Give him the money in secret, swear him to secrecy not to tell the husband. If your husband finds out, well your intentions were good in helping your brother in-law. If my husband ever insisted I turn my back on family (his or mine) he would get a piece of my mind but that's just me.
Sounds like a control issue and in this nobody wins. When will your husband stop this? When he divorces his wife and leaves his child? I would not play this game, I would give him help in secret as your husband doesn't want to know about it and ask the BIL to keep it private. Otherwise, you will be standing in the wrong position. I'm all about being unified with the husband/wife but in matters of family you have to sometimes go deeper.
Yes Smuckers, I want to stand in the middle. I gave him my own money about 800 LE (not money from husband) for his wife and baby, and insisted him to keep it secret and do not tell his wife also, otherwise I will not help him anymore.
I really cannot change my husband from his controlling personality, cause his life had shaped his character, am I right? What I am doing now with him is try to understand the way his thinking and action (I am in his shoes), and give him my thinking in persuasive or soft ways.
I hope it will calm my husband down.
He is your husband so you know him better than anyone. I do think it is partly your responsibility to advise him in his treatment with his family. Sounds like he is acting purely on emotion, taking offense that his ohhh so wonderful permission to marry was not taken. Well, I guess that is how some of the families here are but to turn your back on your brother is far worse IMO than an opinion not taken. You should tell him.
Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers: [/qb]
He is your husband so you know him better than anyone. I do think it is partly your responsibility to advise him in his treatment with his family. Sounds like he is acting purely on emotion, taking offense that his ohhh so wonderful permission to marry was not taken. Well, I guess that is how some of the families here are but to turn your back on your brother is far worse IMO than an opinion not taken. You should tell him. [/QB][/QUOTE]
Yes, I am arranging a family meeting, and ask my bro in law NOT to tell my husband that I am "behind the meeting" .
Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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Culture Club remember one important thing: Even after they are ok together, and everything is smooth no one should know.
I know that your intentions were good, but I also know that maybe your husband (like some Egyptian men) would feel 'betrayed' by what you did, although you did a very kind thing.
I'm just being the Egyptian voice for you Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2007
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Almaz is probably right, but just feel out your husband. You know what he will accept and what he won't. If you think the BIL can keep quiet about it then help him, otherwise highly encourage your husband to do so, poor guy.
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Actually what I would have done in that situation is give the money to the wife, make it between girls. My husband would be furious if I interfered between him and his brother but he would respect me giving money to the wife and child as a charitable gesture.
-------------------- Jane Akshar UK Co-owner of www.flatsinluxor.co.uk Appartments and Tours in Luxor Posts: 2791 | From: www.flatsinluxor.co.uk, Luxor, Egypt | Registered: Jan 2003
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Hmmm, that's an idea! I don't really agree as he is her brother in law and thus it is her right, especially if it is her own money, but every family is different. Is there any way you could give it to his wife? Great idea Akshar. Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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Initially, giving the money without the husband knowing is already a very sensitive issue with many Egyptian men.
They really do not appreciate if the wife did things without their approval or any secret things done, even if it is involving family, and done with good faith, they just don't appreciate it.
Akshar has a very valid point. That could be accepted since it is between women, but again, I have to stress that most Egyptian men do not appreciate it when the wife does anything without them knowing.
Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2007
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quote:Originally posted by akshar: Actually what I would have done in that situation is give the money to the wife, make it between girls. My husband would be furious if I interfered between him and his brother but he would respect me giving money to the wife and child as a charitable gesture.
But I never meet or see his wife, cause BIL just run away from home for marrying, and that time I was an "outsider". All I know that they rent a floor somewhere, so I really cannot meet her.
Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers: ...
Is there any way you could give it to his wife? Great idea Akshar.
If I asked others, oh I am afraid so many secrets among us, especially since I am "new comer" in their family, and not all of them can speak English. That's why I just gave money to BIL.
Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Almaz.: Initially, giving the money without the husband knowing is already a very sensitive issue with many Egyptian men.
They really do not appreciate if the wife did things without their approval or any secret things done, even if it is involving family, and done with good faith, they just don't appreciate it.
Akshar has a very valid point. That could be accepted since it is between women, but again, I have to stress that most Egyptian men do not appreciate it when the wife does anything without them knowing.
Thanks a lot ya Almaz, I will remember your words. I am sure my husband will think that he is stupid cause I hided something from him.
Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Tigerlily: OMG!! I thought Egyptians are sooooo family-orientated??
... You know blood is blood IMHO, he's still his brother, he's married now with a newborn and they are short on finances. ...
Yes Tigerlily, I do remember that blood is blood, after all his family is everything to him.
Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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If it was me, I would stay out of it, my Egyptian husband would go crazy if I went behind his back and gave them money, especially if the reason he fell out was because the brother couldnt afford to get married etc. Each situation is different and I guess you have to do what is right for you, but it would be awful if these decisions ended up backfiring on you and your relationship, because really, your brother in law shouldn't be asking you for money as he knows your husband well - and would know his reaction, therefore putting you in a very difficult position.
Posts: 552 | Registered: Mar 2008
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I strongly disagree. In the case where your husband is being unreasonable and it could affect a family member and unborn child I would get involved. It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.
TIGERLILLY, sorry to say the illusion of closeness among families in Egypt is just that, an illusion. Once you get to know how it all works you realize they are only close physically, getting together and hounding each other day in and day out. They hide things from each other and hold grudges in horrible ways (generalizing here of course). Western families are much closer IMO from what I have seen, you can say the truth at least and not worry about lifelong feuds or being stabbed in the back, and we don't have to see each other every other day to do so ~
Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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I asked my husband again about the 'run away' brother whether he would give him forgiveness, and he answered that might be he would forgive but not to forget, and he added that he never wanted to see the brother's wife, cause in his mind, that girl pushed his brother for marriage. I could not ask him many questions, cause that only would make him angry and angry.
I do not know if the family meeting will work for them, since husband today need long sleep after back from work.
I am the outsider only Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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Poor girl, she can't win no matter what. She is still his SIL and her child will be his niece/nephew. He is being immature and silly indeed, thank God for small graces that I didn't marry someone like that. Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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CC, keep pursuing your plan. Don't give up. You have a noble intention. I hope it all works out. For some reason your husband seems to hold more a grudge against his sister-in-law. Look this needs to be discussed. People need be giving a chance to explain themselves.
It's very sad that because of a marriage he didn't approve of he banned his own brother with family out of his life. And by the reaction of that he's getting angry whenever you speak about the issue I somehow sense he feels uncomfortable with it but can't get over his own shadow. But I think exactly that needs to happen. Just stay focused, there's hope everything will be okay, CC. Stay on him, get him used to the idea to meet up with the whole family incl. his brother & family.
You stated earlier:
" My husband explained that he did that to his brother for giving him a lesson ."
I think he accomplished that more than enough - so what comes next??
How is your mother-in-law stand on it? Is she in close contact to her son and his family? Or did your husband also forbid her to talk to them?
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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I agree that's something strange. I'm all for respecting what my husband wants/thinks/feels but there comes a point where you have to intervene and do the right thing even if your spouse will not. You must also keep in mind that is is partly your job as a wife/husband to set the other spouse straight when they're acting like they are 8 years and old and taking their anger out on someone in a sitatuation they cannot change. Sorry, but your husband is being a real jerk in all of this and I would hardly stand idly by and watch family members (even if they are in laws) suffer because he wants to teach them a lesson. Sorry, I'm an adult, so I expect him to be too.
Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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What I am going to say is going to sound harsh, but I feel that it needs to be said, as your husband is being made out to be the baddie in all of this, and there is another side that isn't being mentioned.
It looks as if your husband had a very good reason for not giving his approval/support to his brother's marriage. He didn't want him to do it as they knew that he wasn't ready to support a family, and exactly what was predicted has come true; his younger brother is now starting to produce children that he can't support and is coming back to the family for help.
There is a very good reason that many Egyptians aren't getting married young these days, before they have established themselves and are able to at least pay for the basics to support a family. It may not seem fair that they have to wait, but it is realistic; they want to avoid themselves having to burden their families as much as they can when they start to produce their own children.
It is so important to get the family's support for a marriage, because they are the one's you will have to rely on in times of trouble, and it is unfair to force them in a position of having to help you when they have warned you not to do something. Yes, all families will want to help each other in times of trouble, but not when they feel forced to take the responsibility of someone else's actions, and especially not when it could establish a long term pattern of being expected to pick up the tab.
As a someone who is new into the situation and this family, who doesn't know all the details of the history behind all this, I think you should be very wary about doing something that your husband has told you not to do, especially as a Muslim woman. Yes, you want to help the child, and yes, you should try to persuade your husband to find a way to help them, but to deliberately go behind his back and do something that he has asked you not to do, especially in the first few months of a marriage, isn't a good idea. Try to find more persuasive means first...it maybe that he has a plan of his own to help his brother in a long term way and you helping them behind his back will undermine this.
Posts: 4576 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2002
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quote:Originally posted by Tigerlily: How is your mother-in-law stand on it? Is she in close contact to her son and his family? Or did your husband also forbid her to talk to them?
MIL agreed with the marriage, and BIL can meet her, my husband is ok with that.
Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by newcomer: Assalamu alaykum Culture Club,
What I am going to say is going to sound harsh, but I feel that it needs to be said, as your husband is being made out to be the baddie in all of this, and there is another side that isn't being mentioned.
It looks as if your husband had a very good reason for not giving his approval/support to his brother's marriage. He didn't want him to do it as they knew that he wasn't ready to support a family, and exactly what was predicted has come true; his younger brother is now starting to produce children that he can't support and is coming back to the family for help.
There is a very good reason that many Egyptians aren't getting married young these days, before they have established themselves and are able to at least pay for the basics to support a family. It may not seem fair that they have to wait, but it is realistic; they want to avoid themselves having to burden their families as much as they can when they start to produce their own children.
It is so important to get the family's support for a marriage, because they are the one's you will have to rely on in times of trouble, and it is unfair to force them in a position of having to help you when they have warned you not to do something. Yes, all families will want to help each other in times of trouble, but not when they feel forced to take the responsibility of someone else's actions, and especially not when it could establish a long term pattern of being expected to pick up the tab.
As a someone who is new into the situation and this family, who doesn't know all the details of the history behind all this, I think you should be very wary about doing something that your husband has told you not to do, especially as a Muslim woman. Yes, you want to help the child, and yes, you should try to persuade your husband to find a way to help them, but to deliberately go behind his back and do something that he has asked you not to do, especially in the first few months of a marriage, isn't a good idea. Try to find more persuasive means first...it maybe that he has a plan of his own to help his brother in a long term way and you helping them behind his back will undermine this.
Waalaikum salam wr wb.
You are right NC, I just want to be a good wife for my husband, and I believe he has good reason to behave like that, cause I know actually he has kind heart inside his macho appearance.
Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers: I agree that's something strange. I'm all for respecting what my husband wants/thinks/feels but there comes a point where you have to intervene and do the right thing even if your spouse will not. You must also keep in mind that is is partly your job as a wife/husband to set the other spouse straight when they're acting like they are 8 years and old and taking their anger out on someone in a sitatuation they cannot change. Sorry, but your husband is being a real jerk in all of this and I would hardly stand idly by and watch family members (even if they are in laws) suffer because he wants to teach them a lesson. Sorry, I'm an adult, so I expect him to be too.
Yes, my husband cannot change the situation. He just absolutely think that his reasons are correct. I know my BIL is very young and he doesn't have good work to provide a family.
Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Tigerlily: How is your mother-in-law stand on it? Is she in close contact to her son and his family? Or did your husband also forbid her to talk to them?
MIL agreed with the marriage, and BIL can meet her, my husband is ok with that.
WOWWW! This certainly chances the situation. So the mother obviously met with her son and his wife and approved of them before they got married and your own husband was against it and is still fighting it.
So why can your mother have relations with your BIL and his family and you can't??
Why would he hurt several close family members like that?
The marriage is done now, the baby is there, his mother is fine with the situation.
Sorry but I can't understand your husband's behaviour. And CC, only your husband can change the situation. He needs to come forward and make peace with everyone!!!
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Culture Club: And after my husband got good work, he has been dealing with anything at home as provider to his mom, 2 young brothers and even for oldest ones even for a trifle thing, such as sent mom to see doctor or reported to police about his grandmom's death.
...I tried to calm him by saying that he should see and feel that his brother is like his own kid, cause he provided him anything since his brother was kid ...
... and he also thinks that his bro will be back and ask for money someday, and it had happened...
This perhaps explains why Culture Club's husband is the one that is reacting this way to what is happening. He has been providing for the whole family since he got a good job, he has just got married himself (with all the expenses of that, including flying to a foreign country to get married), and his brother is now coming asking for handouts to feed his new baby that he can't support, because he got married before he had a stable job to support a family.
From what Culture Club has said about her husband's work in the past, he may be on a good local salary, but it will not be an extraordinary one. He must be worried sick about how he is going to support all those people, and keep his own new wife happy!
Posts: 4576 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2002
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quote:Originally posted by newcomer: [QUOTE] He must be worried sick about how he is going to support all those people, and keep his own new wife happy!
To act like a brother doesn't cost anything!
Forget about the money, what about family closeness?
You make it sound like he doesn't wanna talk to his brother & his wife because he's afraid they will only ask him for money!!
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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I was just trying to look at possible reasons for his reaction, as a bit of balance to all the judgemental negative responses. Every story has two sides.
Posts: 4576 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2002
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I know what you mean. But my POV is that he should make the move to reunite the family again as he still keeps them apart. Yes his younger brother did a mistake, he teached him a lesson but now it's time to get back together. How long does he wants to hold a grudge against his little brother and family? Until he dies? What for? His own mother must be so heartbroken about the whole situation herself.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers: Give him the money in secret, swear him to secrecy not to tell the husband. If your husband finds out, well your intentions were good in helping your brother in-law. If my husband ever insisted I turn my back on family (his or mine) he would get a piece of my mind but that's just me.
Sounds like a control issue and in this nobody wins. When will your husband stop this? When he divorces his wife and leaves his child? I would not play this game, I would give him help in secret as your husband doesn't want to know about it and ask the BIL to keep it private. Otherwise, you will be standing in the wrong position. I'm all about being unified with the husband/wife but in matters of family you have to sometimes go deeper.
no if her hubby find out he will beat the **** out of either her or him then go on to accuse them both of something else. dont go to that. when they find you disobey them like that they get nuts.
look, these men are easy to handle in **** like this...just tell him, 'what would u do tomorrow if your brother died?' 'is this situation really worth scorning your mothers son?' he will think it thru trust me...im trained lol.
Posts: 2757 | From: YOU CAN ONLY SEE WHAT I CHOOSE TO SHOW, THERE IS SO MUCH MORE YOU JUST DONT KNOW | Registered: Oct 2007
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quote:Originally posted by newcomer: Assalamu alaykum Culture Club,
What I am going to say is going to sound harsh, but I feel that it needs to be said, as your husband is being made out to be the baddie in all of this, and there is another side that isn't being mentioned.
It looks as if your husband had a very good reason for not giving his approval/support to his brother's marriage. He didn't want him to do it as they knew that he wasn't ready to support a family, and exactly what was predicted has come true; his younger brother is now starting to produce children that he can't support and is coming back to the family for help.
There is a very good reason that many Egyptians aren't getting married young these days, before they have established themselves and are able to at least pay for the basics to support a family. It may not seem fair that they have to wait, but it is realistic; they want to avoid themselves having to burden their families as much as they can when they start to produce their own children.
It is so important to get the family's support for a marriage, because they are the one's you will have to rely on in times of trouble, and it is unfair to force them in a position of having to help you when they have warned you not to do something. Yes, all families will want to help each other in times of trouble, but not when they feel forced to take the responsibility of someone else's actions, and especially not when it could establish a long term pattern of being expected to pick up the tab.
As a someone who is new into the situation and this family, who doesn't know all the details of the history behind all this, I think you should be very wary about doing something that your husband has told you not to do, especially as a Muslim woman. Yes, you want to help the child, and yes, you should try to persuade your husband to find a way to help them, but to deliberately go behind his back and do something that he has asked you not to do, especially in the first few months of a marriage, isn't a good idea. Try to find more persuasive means first...it maybe that he has a plan of his own to help his brother in a long term way and you helping them behind his back will undermine this.
I agree 100%
Posts: 918 | From: Earth | Registered: Jan 2008
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But we do not know the whole story and a lot of judgements are being made here from a Western background.
You are new to the family and you should find your way gently until you know and understand everything. If MIL is in favour of this marriage you do not need not worry about them being hungry she will take care of things. Also she has no need not worry about her sons reaction.
If you have never even met this wife then you have no idea what is going on. Leave your husband to sort this out.
Also I tell you my husband would be furious if i was discussing family matters on an Internet forum. It is not Egyptian
Posts: 2791 | From: www.flatsinluxor.co.uk, Luxor, Egypt | Registered: Jan 2003
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Oh but you do, Jane, he's just illiterate and doesn't know about it. In fact, if he knew half of what you say and do you would long ago be a divorced woman.
Posts: 19 | Registered: Oct 2007
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quote:Originally posted by egypte: Oh but you do, Jane, he's just illiterate and doesn't know about it. In fact, if he knew half of what you say and do you would long ago be a divorced woman.
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i have to say, newcomer makes a lot of sense. I can see the MIL be in full support, and just expecting your husband to provide for everyone. the "isha'allah syndrome". which, for your husband, means an ulcer being the financial rock for a huge extended family.
culture club, i wouldn't go against your husband in this case for a whole different (but i feel very valid) reason: you might just be the new ATM/cash machine. What I call, the "atieme fixes everything" syndrome. (Side note: some silly commercials for ATMs/cash machines of American Express, i think, where the tag line was chimed by a doe-eyed boy running through the souks in pseudo-morocco setting guiding the lost westerners toward a bank while repeating "no worry, Atieme fixes everything")
Point being, if they weren't ready for a baby financially NOW, what do you think will happen in a year, two, five? Not only the brother, but the entire family will be coming to you behind your husband's back (potentially)
He may be stubborn, but he knows his family better than you. How would you feel if he second-guessed you behind your back about your immediate family?Posts: 2182 | Registered: Oct 2002
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quote:culture club, i wouldn't go against your husband in this case for a whole different (but i feel very valid) reason: you might just be the new ATM/cash machine.
That is actually something I had not considered, and I agree that's a possibility. I have to agree, too many questions here, best to keep neutral for now.
Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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quote:Originally posted by newcomer: ...and especially not when it could establish a long term pattern of being expected to pick up the tab.
That's what I meant by this expat.
If the brother has to work out a way of being responsible for his actions and works out ways to support himself now, even if it is difficult, this will be a good lesson for him to help him to learn to stand on his own feet and be independent. But if, at the first sign of financial difficulty, he comes running back with his hand out and people - the nice new foreign wife, for example - help him out now, he will think that he can do that in the future too. It's a dangerous pattern to establish, especially at the beginning of two new marriages.
Posts: 4576 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2002
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CC, you know after I thought more about the situation I believe your BIL should not try to crawl back to your husband and ask for forgiveness and all this crap. If he has dignity he stays away from his older controlling brother. He needs to find employment and support himself, don't take money from you either. He can do it, he has to.
CC, if I was in your shoes without a doubt I would have giving him money for support too. But I'd also encourage him to find employment quickly. Maybe you can help here and even know someone (your former workplace anything) where he could start working. What a shame that things have to be so complicated. Good luck to all of you.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Thank you all for your very valuable feedback, I do really appreciate it.May God bless you.
These days were silent days, no talk and no argue about BIL. I am sick cause of chicken pox since yesterday, so I am in "isolated" period.
I just said something to my husband in very soft way when he was in good mood, that what would happen if you die and who would help me if not your brothers?
After this case I promise to myself not to do anything behind him.
Of course I gave cash with thinking and I do not want to think that I am an ATM for BIL, I just considered it as 'sadaqah'.
Have a nice day Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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well me and walid had a discussion on this same thing he said if his brother had a gf or got married he would disown him as well.and that i could never have nothin to do with him!!well i told him yr brother is a grown man if he wants a gf i would help him or if he got married i would never turn him away!! no matter if walid got mad or not thats just me he would have to deal with it that is his brother and there are the only 2 men left og his dad!!!i can never understand y people feel like they hate or cant be around or what ever their own brothers or sisters!! i havent seen my sister in 6 yrs but i would be there in a heart beat if she needed me!! like when louisiana had the hurricane i could not find my sister i went nuts callein everyone in lousiana lookin for her!! family is family no matter what!! now yr a pat of his family u did not only marry him!! if his brother needs u well ur husband must not stop u from helpin its not yr fight its his!!!!! if i was u i would help and no matter if my husband found out or not!!! if yr husband leaves u for helpin then hes a pile of ****!!!! he wouldnt be very family oriented!!!
-------------------- your ass is so tight when you fart only a dog can hear it.when you queef only a cat can hear that one. Posts: 9776 | From: You like If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood. | Registered: Jul 2007
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I would not play this game, I would give him help in secret as your husband doesn't want to know about it and ask the BIL to keep it private. Otherwise, you will be standing in the wrong position. I'm all about being unified with the husband/wife but in matters of family you have to sometimes go deeper.
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My husband is a stubborn man, and I know I can't push and interfere my husband to do anything he does not like.![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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Well, I guess that is how some of the families here are but to turn your back on your brother is far worse IMO than an opinion not taken. You should tell him.
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That was random...
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