I'm sorry if i don't take part in discussions these days. There are incredible changes in my life. As you know i have an egyptian fiance and we were going to get married soon.

Now our marriage is under the threat. He had a long talk with his family (mother, grandmother, uncles, aunts, etc.)about his intentions concerning me. The problem is that his parents are against our marriage and even tells him that if he gets married me they don't accept not only me but him and even exheridate him. I know that he cares about me too much and he feels very bad about all these now. He doesn't call and sms me now and i think because he affraids to talk about it with me because it hurts me and him too much.

I don't know what to do. As i know man has a right to make decisoins and the family has to accept it. He is not so old but he is the oldest in his family and he takes care about all sisters and brothers and of course mother.

I don't know what to think but i really care about him and even afraid to lose him i want to be with him.

Do you know what their specific objections are. Are their worries are solveable by any promises on your part?

There is no easy answer to this as has often been discussed on this board, marriage to an Egyptian is not just to him but to his family and if they are against it you are between a rock and hard place.

You have my deep sympathy.

I was under the impression that the marriage plans were already organized, and that is what I understood from your posts to me, and to us in general, a month or so ago...
My only advice to you would be very close to Ledka's actually...
If he decides to let you go instead of standing up for his rights and for his own life whatever the consequences then carissima, he certainly is not worth it...you will be hurt at first but time heals...and then life goes on and you will find someone who will appreciate you and your love and stand by you no matter what and that is real manhood.

I wish you the best and please keep us posted and we'll all support you...that is the beauty of this board!

Tanti auguri bella!
Ciao
Monica

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Originally posted by Jamilah:
Dear members of the board,

I'm sorry if i don't take part in discussions these days. There are incredible changes in my life. As you know i have an egyptian fiance and we were going to get married soon.

Now our marriage is under the threat. He had a long talk with his family (mother, grandmother, uncles, aunts, etc.)about his intentions concerning me. The problem is that his parents are against our marriage and even tells him that if he gets married me they don't accept not only me but him and even exheridate him. I know that he cares about me too much and he feels very bad about all these now. He doesn't call and sms me now and i think because he affraids to talk about it with me because it hurts me and him too much.

I don't know what to do. As i know man has a right to make decisoins and the family has to accept it. He is not so old but he is the oldest in his family and he takes care about all sisters and brothers and of course mother.

I don't know what to think but i really care about him and even afraid to lose him i want to be with him.

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Unfortunately i don't know their specific objections because i didn't talk to them face-to-face only by phone. We planned to meet when i come this time after he visits me. I was sure that his parents (actually mum and uncle and aunt) not against but as i understand now they thought that he's just playing with me and were sure that this is just for some time not forever.

Ledka, darling, thank you and your friend very much you realy support me!!!!!! That were real and competent thoughts.

Monica, amica, yes it was like planned already but last two-three weeks everything went heels over head and it confused me a lot, yesterday i felt that there is something serious but he told me that it's only in MY head - wrong feelings. But today i talked to his friend. He knew that i would be very hurt and it hurts him more. I do understand him.

Anyway dear I wish you the best always...
Monica

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Originally posted by Jamilah:
.

Monica, amica, yes it was like planned already but last two-three weeks everything went heels over head and it confused me a lot, yesterday i felt that there is something serious but he told me that it's only in MY head - wrong feelings. But today i talked to his friend. He knew that i would be very hurt and it hurts him more. I do understand him.

But you are right he MUST stands up for his rights!!!!! And if he doesn't it means that he's weak, not strong or doesn't love me enough

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Penso i suoi parenti sono impauriti di me perché mi presta più attenzione allora loro
e può sono impauriti che li dimentica o li lascia. Non ha padre, così la sua madre è sola. Capisci?!?!?!

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Originally posted by Monica:
Jamilah, io me ne vado subito - ma volevo dirti che lui forse ti ama moltissimo, ma non e forte, non e come un uomo devrebbe essere. Un uomo in Egitto, che si occupa delle sorelle e della madre e quasi ' a slave' to them...capisci?

Anyway dear I wish you the best always...
Monica

[This message has been edited by Monica (edited 22 December 2003).]

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This is definitely a very bad situation for you to be in. In-laws can ruin a marriage, and it seems that your fiance's parents are determined to prevent your marriage from taking place in the first place. There really is only one solution for you.

The first thing that your fiance must do is agree to be 100 percent on your side. That means that he has to agree that your marriage comes first, before his relationship with his parents. It means that he has to cut an umbilical cord that he is finding very difficult to sever. I don't know if he will be able to do this.

I think you would both benefit from the help of a third party to reassure you that there are ways for your fiance to become his own person, if your fiance really wants to build a good marriage, he's got to confront his parents and insist that they stop what they've been doing. This is going to take a great deal of courage, and your fiance will need to have people with him for emotional support when he confronts them.

What should your fiance say when he speaks to his parents? He can re-emphasize the fact that he wants to marry you and wants their love and support, but if they insist on insulting you and your family and trying to dissuade him from marrying you, the marriage will take place without their blessings.

If your fiance can't go along with these suggestions, the two of you need to have a serious discussion about whether he is ready to get married in the first place.

It all becomes a question of independence vs. dependence.

People are usually able to determine for themselves whether a relationship is working for them or not, and are sometimes able to get at good helpful strategies when they are not. On occasion, a lack of experience or knowledge or development can keep a person from being able to make an informed choice.

I don't agree on marryying without their approval.
Please don't underestimate the amount of problems U will have then.

1- You will have to distance yourselves geographically from his family. Do not live in the same neighborhood, and try not to live in the same city.

2- Limit how often the two of you see his parents, individually and as a couple. Even though you may not want to see your husband's parents at all, it will be important for him to maintain some amount of a relationship with them.

I hope that these suggestions are helpful.

And remeber
With time things will sort themselves out and you'll be happier with yourself.

In anycase, he should stand up for his rights.

Ti dico Ciao amica, e alla prossima in Gennaio 2004...

Monica

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Originally posted by Jamilah:
Monica ))))
You make me smile!!!!!!!!!! certo, ti capisco bene ma lui mio amore e per sempre...

Penso i suoi parenti sono impauriti di me perché mi presta più attenzione allora loro
e può sono impauriti che li dimentica o li lascia. Non ha padre, così la sua madre è sola. Capisci?!?!?!

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That's very right what you write but we live in different countries and you know i can come even tomorrow but i don't want to be too easy for him. I don't know what we can do, no WE yes we can act like you write to be together and to try to enssure parents and relatives that this is to the best that we're together. BUT he feels guilty for this situation now because i guess maybe he hasn't expected this himself may be hasn't thought too serious and he's spinning out time because realy i'm very disappointed now and angree.

quote:

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Originally posted by Monica:
Certamente che ti capisco. Questo e un vero problema, perche la madre non vuole che il suo figlio si sposa...sono sicura...

In anycase, he should stand up for his rights.

Ti dico Ciao amica, e alla prossima in Gennaio 2004...

Monica

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Yesterday evening he called me and told me just four-five precious words that i understood that he's standing his and my rights in his family and evrything will be ok, will be insieme forever and he will never ever let me go!!!!!

Marraige is a ton of work. A ton. That's one of the things people either don't tell you, or don't convey fully to you before you get married. It's one of those "secrets" that you have to experience to know.

In the course of your marriage, there will be many times when you will expect your husband to stand with you, be loyal to you and respect you.

The situation U R in now is one of those unique times that will allow U to know how much he loves U before marriage.

For certain, there are situations in which we make choices that parents know in their hearts and in their experienced minds, are wrong. But your fiance must be a real man, and be able to take his own decesion.

He must tell his parents that they can't make him stop loving U just because they're not happy about it...

They raised a son to grow, move on, take his own decesion, and marry. He must be able to deal with them.

You must get yourself out of the middle of this situation.

Now I would like to ask U:
Do ya really want his parents to do that just to please you?

Tough question to answer.

Jamilah,
They are missing out on wonderful new additions to the family.
Be cool

He needs to explain to them, in private, that you are his choice and that if they loves him they at least needs to respect his choice of a wife.

However, if after all his efforts, you still feel unwelcome in your mother-in-law's home,
accept the fact that you may never be able to change her view of you.

Then it will be your decesion, either to accept the idea of marrying without their acceptance which I do not recommend or not.

quote:

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Originally posted by Adoula:

Now I would like to ask U:
Do ya really want his parents to do that just to please you?

Tough question to answer.

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My parents care for me too too much but to them it's more easier to accept our marriage because we, western, are more self-sufficient. My mom after i told her that our relationships are too serious and i think we get married she didn't tell me oh, my baby i'm so glad for you, NO!!!! she insisted me to think twice and was trying to stop our relationships. So, the same i think goes now with him.

I will wait anyway, i'm sure that this is not for long time and i'll be patient.

And i'm sure that his parents will not regret his choice!!!!!

quote:

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Originally posted by Adoula:
You've made all what you can, then it's time for him to step in.

He needs to explain to them, in private, that you are his choice and that if they loves him they at least needs to respect his choice of a wife.

However, if after all his efforts, you still feel unwelcome in your mother-in-law's home,
accept the fact that you may never be able to change her view of you.

Then it will be your decesion, either to accept the idea of marrying without their acceptance which I do not recommend or not.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Adoula:
Don't listen to what he says, look at what he does.

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And me the same, new day - new surprise! There is always something new. Sometimes i think: Oh, I'm so happy but in 2 hours my habibi does something or says something that i completely don't understand.

Tomorrow I go to Egypt. I hope that i will get some answers to my questions. But i don't know which tactis to choose: to tell him that i have my own life and i can't wait for nothing, so may be he will be afraid to loose me and will do his best or tell him that I can move to Egypt and we can start our life together and to help each other to be together, like I'm always with him and do care about him. Please FRIENDS, I'm so so so so confused.

quote:

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Originally posted by Jamilah:
Hello everyone!!! Hope that you had very nice holidays and spent great time with your family and friends!!!!!

And me the same, new day - new surprise! There is always something new. Sometimes i think: Oh, I'm so happy but in 2 hours my habibi does something or says something that i completely don't understand.

Tomorrow I go to Egypt. I hope that i will get some answers to my questions. But i don't know which tactis to choose: to tell him that i have my own life and i can't wait for nothing, so may be he will be afraid to loose me and will do his best or tell him that I can move to Egypt and we can start our life together and to help each other to be together, like I'm always with him and do care about him. Please FRIENDS, I'm so so so so confused.

Moreover, one week ago i have known that he has some girlfrinds with whom he communicates by sms and they are sure that this is a true love and to me he said that they are young and don't understand and this is just a friendship. I don't want to be deseived and i don't want him to lie to me.
And I don't understand he tells me about these girls himself that they call him and ask whether he's married or has many girls. Don't understand anything, may be someone can see here a kind of logic?!?!?!?!!?!?

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quote:

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Originally posted by kat2:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Jamilah:
[b]Hello everyone!!! Hope that you had very nice holidays and spent great time with your family and friends!!!!!

And me the same, new day - new surprise! There is always something new. Sometimes i think: Oh, I'm so happy but in 2 hours my habibi does something or says something that i completely don't understand.

Tomorrow I go to Egypt. I hope that i will get some answers to my questions. But i don't know which tactis to choose: to tell him that i have my own life and i can't wait for nothing, so may be he will be afraid to loose me and will do his best or tell him that I can move to Egypt and we can start our life together and to help each other to be together, like I'm always with him and do care about him. Please FRIENDS, I'm so so so so confused.

Moreover, one week ago i have known that he has some girlfrinds with whom he communicates by sms and they are sure that this is a true love and to me he said that they are young and don't understand and this is just a friendship. I don't want to be deseived and i don't want him to lie to me.
And I don't understand he tells me about these girls himself that they call him and ask whether he's married or has many girls. Don't understand anything, may be someone can see here a kind of logic?!?!?!?!!?!?

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Also, what's to stop someone from making it all up? For example, what if your ex-wife/girlfriend went on here and told lies about you, that could potentially hurt you or someone else who knows you and put doubts on your character?

Things like that need to be confined to the real world, where people have to deal with consequences of their actions. Not on the internet, where anyone can go to an internet cafe, make up a screen name and post things.

This board is pretty friendly these days, but if you read the backlogs there were quite a few characters here before that were mean, vindictive and liked to post things just to upset and stir up others.

quote:

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Originally posted by karaba:
Hello,
A friend of mine told me good things about EgyptSearch.com and I came few days ago to read all the messages and I was wondering about something : I saw a lot of women married with egyptian who don't know if their husbands or boyfriends are honest or not.
I think that Egyptsearch is a big family and some members become friends, I 'd like to know why they don't try to help each other, I had a friend who get married with a man from Luxor and she went to Luxor only two or three times by year. I was living there and I saw that when she was not here her " husband" was with a lot of other girls so I decide to tell her because she was a very good friend of mine.
Why don't the people who doubt don't say the name of their husband and the city where he lives and after people of egyptsearch who know something tell them honestly without lies. And after if the husband or friend deny we can ask the person to tell it in front of him. I saw so many honest girls destroyed by the liars of these men.
Tell me what do you think about this and if you don't like this idea tell me why .

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quote:

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Originally posted by ExptinCAI:
Karaba,
i have a problem with your idea, in that posting someone's real name/location and saying things you think are true but aren't sure is a sure way to ruin a potentially good person's reputation.

Also, what's to stop someone from making it all up? For example, what if your ex-wife/girlfriend went on here and told lies about you, that could potentially hurt you or someone else who knows you and put doubts on your character?

Things like that need to be confined to the real world, where people have to deal with consequences of their actions. Not on the internet, where anyone can go to an internet cafe, make up a screen name and post things.

This board is pretty friendly these days, but if you read the backlogs there were quite a few characters here before that were mean, vindictive and liked to post things just to upset and stir up others.

[This message has been edited by ExptinCAI (edited 09 January 2004).]

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quote:

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Originally posted by kat2:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by karaba:
[b]Hello,
A friend of mine told me good things about EgyptSearch.com and I came few days ago to read all the messages and I was wondering about something : I saw a lot of women married with egyptian who don't know if their husbands or boyfriends are honest or not.
I think that Egyptsearch is a big family and some members become friends, I 'd like to know why they don't try to help each other, I had a friend who get married with a man from Luxor and she went to Luxor only two or three times by year. I was living there and I saw that when she was not here her " husband" was with a lot of other girls so I decide to tell her because she was a very good friend of mine.
Why don't the people who doubt don't say the name of their husband and the city where he lives and after people of egyptsearch who know something tell them honestly without lies. And after if the husband or friend deny we can ask the person to tell it in front of him. I saw so many honest girls destroyed by the liars of these men.
Tell me what do you think about this and if you don't like this idea tell me why .

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quote:

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Originally posted by akshar:
I am so sorry to hear about your problems. It must be so hard on both you and him and even his family. Cross cutural relationships are very hard. They want the best for their eldest son and find the idea of a non Egyptian wife abhorant. He loves and wants you but also has love for his family and his responsiblites there. You love him and are prepared to do what you can to make it work.

Do you know what their specific objections are. Are their worries are solveable by any promises on your part?

There is no easy answer to this as has often been discussed on this board, marriage to an Egyptian is not just to him but to his family and if they are against it you are between a rock and hard place.

You have my deep sympathy.

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unless you have money...then you can buy the family...right jane