posted
I wonder how many of you women can relate...and what you have to say about your personal experiences.
My husband, an Egyptian man in his twenties, is an overall good husband.....but he has one major flaw. When I anger him, or when he finds I disrespect him, his anger will bubble up and he will slap me. Not repeatedly - but a slap nevertheless. He walks away in anger feeling bad - but the damage is done.
If I talk back to him he shuts me up by threatening to slap me. He says he would never do it but that he finds that is the best way to shut me up... by controlling with fear and intimidation....
Can you relate? What does your husband consider disrespectful...and that you are simply not used to because youa re from a different culture?
Posts: 10 | From: egypt | Registered: Sep 2006
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I wouldn't put up with that crapola. That sounds scary.
Talking to my husband I hear stories such as this happening in Egypt a lot. My husband considers hitting on the face disrespectful. I consider any form of hitting or slapping disrespectful.
Posts: 2735 | From: my desk | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Not married, but neither one of my egyptian men ever hit me and one had a bad temper---but never laid a hand on me.
Posts: 333 | From: USA | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I never thought I would put up with it either.....
I understand that those who react with physical abuse are those who feel they have no control over a situation......
I love him so much....and we are happy...he is good to me......except when he becomes enranged over my talking back....or the idea of me being disobedient.....
he has said to me that if I were to ever leave the house without his permission he would consider divorcing me....although he lets me go downstairs to the store when he is at work
he is sweet to me, he takes care of me, he helps me clean the house, prays with me, and I have no doubt that he loves me....but this demon he harbors inside him scares me....
I am not a weak spirit...and I know I talk back when I am angry. I have even hit him back but I just received a harder slap.
Strange....that I, of all people, would find myself in this position...
Posts: 10 | From: egypt | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
Like everywhere else some are abusive or disordered, don't let culture take the blame for this. It might appear like culture and someone might try to hide behind it. But it is abuse and control, not to be accepted. If you are for real you should consider if you serve some sentence or you can throw away the key.
posted
I hear you...........isn't that the most popular reason for murder........"crimes of passion"?
I told him that once day it might come to that.......doesn't it always end that way with situations like these?
I wonder what he would do if I ever treated him like so. I find myself giving in and apologizing because I love him.
I am living with the enemy but I am so in love with him .... and I see how great he can be.... I wonder......can I put up with a slap here and there...........................?
Posts: 10 | From: egypt | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
Sentence: you could be in this for life. And it will get worse. If he is not owning his 'rage' your in for trouble. Before you know it you will be walking on eggshells to not upset him. You get trained by his rage. It will cost you your selfesteem and might cost you your life. Rage and slapping are no kidstoys, they are lifethreathning and we all know the statistics of abuse of women.
posted
Don't take this the wrong way but I'm really spent on lost causes. I don't like giving advice and have it fall on deaf ears. I've done that WAY too much. Have fun with the rageaholic.
Posts: 2735 | From: my desk | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Madame.....just because people don't do as you say right away does not mean you are wasting time or that they have deaf ears. Do not presume to know how God works. every little thing counts in the grand scheme of things.
Do you want a quick agreeable reaction from me? Well, if I could give that to you then I would not be in this mess or even letting out my pain on this forum.
Life is not that simple when a soul is in inner turmoil. Perhaps, you need to be more empathetic .... compassionate.
I am not looking for your sinicism. Your approval. Your guidance....so much as I am looking for women who can relate so that I can talk it out. Perhaps, in doing so I can begin to shed some light on the situation.
I am sorry you had to resort to abusive behavior yourself by telling me to go "have fun with (my) rageaholic...."
I see you can relate more to him than to me. I am sorry to see that...and, you are right, you are not helping.
Posts: 10 | From: egypt | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
No I do not expect you to agree with me..I just no longer have patience with ppl stuck in bad situations and they know it. I just get kinda sick when I read how in love you are with a man who uses you as a punching bag. It's sick. You know it's wrong why do you need advice? Get out of the relationship. There that's my advice.
Posts: 2735 | From: my desk | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Allright the stages: disbelieve, underestimating, unwillingness to change, unrealistic expectations, investments that are held to believe should be payed off although they never will. Compassion ignoring selfcompassion. Stockholm syndrome.
posted
I am sorry to hear that you are suffering like this. Is has to be hard....
Don't listen to Madame. Some people do lack compassion. We can't save them all.
You are in an unhealthy relationship. Do you know this? I wonder what makes you put up with it. You remind me of someone I love very much. She too makes excuses for his anger and even blames it on herself sometimes. Have you consider getting him some therapy. I mean, if you are not going to leave him then you should at least get help. Otherwise, run and don't look back. you can cry later.
I cannot relate so I cannot offer you words of empathy....just my compassion. Hang in there.
posted
She knows it's bad....duh! I'm not unsypathetic I just can't stand women who stay in bad marriages. What is wrong with some women?
Posts: 2735 | From: my desk | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I never said he punched me. He does not beat me. He will slap me once or twice when I argue back. It never goes beyond that.
If it makes you sick - what can I say?
It is what it is and I am trying to figure it out. I cannot apologize for my pain. All I can do it try. Try to act with conviction....try to understand.....try at whatever speed God might give me.
What is the Stockholm sydrome?
thank you in egyptnow. your words soothe me and help grow my courage....
Posts: 10 | From: egypt | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
What is wrong with you? You cannot stand HUMAN WEAKNESS? What does that say about YOU? I guess you are the only perfect human being on this earth, huh?
She is in a bad marriage. We get it! I don't think she doubts that or she would not be seeking help if she thought it was perfect. You don't need to hop on her husband's back and abuse her more for not having the strength to leave a bad situation.
Is that is your idea of facing human weakness than I sincerely hope you don't teach that to future generations. Your kind of arrogance is what keeps some of these people where they are.
She is right, you are like her husband. If you cannot help a situation then you are only making it worse.
Posts: 285 | From: egypt | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
Stockholm Syndrome: identifying with the needs of your prisonguard on expense of your own needs to justify that you are powerless and in fact try to believe that you have some choices in being compassionate.
posted
Yes, I know it is unhealthy.....that is why I need help.
That is interesting...."to justify that I am powerless..." Is that what I am doing? Yes, it makes sense...
I feel I have to be compassionate to him because I know he does not want to blow up at me.....I want to be a good wife and love him....
I am so confused. I don't want to sound stupid...I am sorry if I do. I don't know what to think. This is overpowering in me.....I dare not tell any of my friends or family....
Posts: 10 | From: egypt | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
Your friends and family are your safety net, make the abuse public and you no longer will be alone with it, Youll be more safe. Consider what you are doing to your partner, you let him abuse you, you enable him abusing you. Never learned in school that you should not enable a bully? They should have the chance to grow in the right direction too!
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
I can relate to this, i was there once a long time ago.
Ana heya, you have to talk to him during the 90% of ok time, if he regrets his actions ask him to seek anger management to help him control his rages. This is wrong and you know it or you wouldnt be here. It will not get better if you leave it, you will lose all self esteme, you will be careful what you say all the time, you will end up scared to have an opinion about anything, you will become a prisoner. You will blame yourself and make excuses for him, and as demiana said, when you have got so low and had enough, which could take years, you will leave or be killed by him.
there is a saying 'when a man raises his hand to his wife, love flies out the window' or something along those lines!
If he loves you, he will want to get help. If he loves you he will not want to hurt you.
-------------------- If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Sorry, I don't slap ppl around. If you notice in my earlier posts I was being nice but all I heard was how wonderful this guy is 90% of the time. That's sick. Some women need to learn the hard way. She'll leave when she's fed up with getting slapped around. She won't leave because someone tells her how sorry they feel for her. Blowing sunshine up someone's asss doesn't help matters. Tough love damnit! Get out of the relationship. I know he's probably cute and sexy and great in the sack and all but he's abusive. Go back to the states or wherever you came from. This is unhealthy.
quote:Originally posted by inegyptnow: What is wrong with you? You cannot stand HUMAN WEAKNESS? What does that say about YOU? I guess you are the only perfect human being on this earth, huh?
She is in a bad marriage. We get it! I don't think she doubts that or she would not be seeking help if she thought it was perfect. You don't need to hop on her husband's back and abuse her more for not having the strength to leave a bad situation.
Is that is your idea of facing human weakness than I sincerely hope you don't teach that to future generations. Your kind of arrogance is what keeps some of these people where they are.
She is right, you are like her husband. If you cannot help a situation then you are only making it worse.
posted
If you are religious you sincerely share your plight with God and you will get the answer you need.
Posts: 1419 | From: Amsterdam, Netherlands | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
I was in this situation and until recently I still wore blinkers, someone asked me if he got physical with me I led and said no, why? for myself respect I didn't want to be another stastic. I had time to sit and talk with myself and god, and I had to face facts, I was in an unhealthy relationship.
No matter how many people you ask and all the good advice that they give you.
You will always hear and do what you want.
I used to aruge back, why not? I'm a human being with thoughts and feeling of my own.
He'll feel bad for a while and then turn it back on you and it will be your fault you pushed him to it and after time it will progress and intensify why? Because you stay and allow his behaviour to continue so he sees it as a green light.
My own marriage was good 90% of the time but the other 10% I lived in fear of usetting him and saying the wrong things.
I was to ashamed to admit what was going on.
Until he called recently and told me that if I didn't go back then he would send the egyptian embassy to my home to send me back to egypt, and if he ever got his hands on me what he would do to me.
For me that was the final straw and now I'm starting over,I picked my SELF RESPECT UP OFF THE FLOOR gave it a good shake and got rid of the footprints.
It's not easy.
But it's worth it I have the right to be happy and find a man that loves, cares and respects me. Not scare, threaten or abuse me.
I wish you luck in whatever you decide.
You are worth so much more and there are many men that will love you and not do this.
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
You are right. I do deserve better and, yes, he is aware of his problem. I told him we needed help.....yes, even me as a codependant I am sure. He has agreed to it. We just need to find the place.
Something you said, Wotever, caught my eye...you said he would blame it on me. Yes, when I talk back he says I deserve it. Only two times has he admited fault.
I do fear saying the wrong things to him.....but tonight I took a stand. We have the computer in the livingroom and I wanted to log back on but he wanted to go to sleep. Normally, I have to go to bed when he does but tonight I said I wanted to stay up. He was visibly upset but I just told him I loved him and goodnight and let him go.
I think that is my problem. I baby him too much. I give in too fast. I forgot how to fight for myself.
I need to seek therapy. This much I can see clearer than other things...
My age? I am 26 and he is 25.
Wotever, can I ask you....what pushed you over the edge? Why did you leave? If you don't want to write it here can you send me a personal email?
Posts: 10 | From: egypt | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
I lived like this for 8 years, being thrown out half dressed, the neighbours coming and judging and deciding that it was my fault.Until he forgot himself and lost it in front of them and they changed their mind.
staying with strangers and his family. No-one helping or listening to me.
Being told that no-one else would want me, that I'm 2nd hand and what man would want me.
Having, bruises, a dislocated thumb, bleeding chin where he stood on my neck and told me "die bitch" going to work and lying about where the bruises come from.
Not having anyone to turn to and having to live and lie to myself. And wait until the next time.
I used to make a stand sometimes, but I would always be reminded of this at another time and be made to pay.
I stayed for 8 years hoping and praying that he would change, he did he got worse and his family and friends knew and wouldn't or couldn't help.
So I asked my family for help, I have myself respect and didn't want to live this life anymore
did I think about going back? yes, did I lie about him? yes why? For myself I didn't want to believe that I lived this life for so long. I finally woke up and decided enough was enough. Humdulliah I don't have children.
As I said, you'll sit there and say " ohh this won't happen to me" That's wot I used to do and I hope and pray that it doesn't.
At the end of the day you will do whatever you want to and hear what you want.
just make sure you're looking at the whole picture and not through rose tinted glasses
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Ana Heya Enti: I never thought I would put up with it either.....
I understand that those who react with physical abuse are those who feel they have no control over a situation......
I love him so much....and we are happy...he is good to me......except when he becomes enranged over my talking back....or the idea of me being disobedient.....
he has said to me that if I were to ever leave the house without his permission he would consider divorcing me....although he lets me go downstairs to the store when he is at work
he is sweet to me, he takes care of me, he helps me clean the house, prays with me, and I have no doubt that he loves me....but this demon he harbors inside him scares me....
I am not a weak spirit...and I know I talk back when I am angry. I have even hit him back but I just received a harder slap.
Strange....that I, of all people, would find myself in this position...
plz plz plz, get away from him when he is angry. Dont make anything make him angry. You will never never never find anyone like him. Blame him so much when he is normal not furious. He will say sorry. no problem
this is batmans' advice.
Posts: 2728 | From: جمهورية مصر العربية | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by WOTEVER: I lived like this for 8 years, being thrown out half dressed, the neighbours coming and judging and deciding that it was my fault.Until he forgot himself and lost it in front of them and they changed their mind.
staying with strangers and his family. No-one helping or listening to me.
Being told that no-one else would want me, that I'm 2nd hand and what man would want me.
Having, bruises, a dislocated thumb, bleeding chin where he stood on my neck and told me "die bitch" going to work and lying about where the bruises come from.
Not having anyone to turn to and having to live and lie to myself. And wait until the next time.
I used to make a stand sometimes, but I would always be reminded of this at another time and be made to pay.
I stayed for 8 years hoping and praying that he would change, he did he got worse and his family and friends knew and wouldn't or couldn't help.
So I asked my family for help, I have myself respect and didn't want to live this life anymore
did I think about going back? yes, did I lie about him? yes why? For myself I didn't want to believe that I lived this life for so long. I finally woke up and decided enough was enough. Humdulliah I don't have children.
As I said, you'll sit there and say " ohh this won't happen to me" That's wot I used to do and I hope and pray that it doesn't.
At the end of the day you will do whatever you want to and hear what you want.
just make sure you're looking at the whole picture and not through rose tinted glasses
قطعتي قلبي يا شيخة غمتنيني
you make me sad, my dear Be optimistic , forget the past. look to the future
smile to life. this is Ramadan.
Posts: 2728 | From: جمهورية مصر العربية | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Ana Heya Enti: I never thought I would put up with it either.....
I understand that those who react with physical abuse are those who feel they have no control over a situation......
I love him so much....and we are happy...he is good to me......except when he becomes enranged over my talking back....or the idea of me being disobedient.....
he has said to me that if I were to ever leave the house without his permission he would consider divorcing me....although he lets me go downstairs to the store when he is at work
he is sweet to me, he takes care of me, he helps me clean the house, prays with me, and I have no doubt that he loves me....but this demon he harbors inside him scares me....
I am not a weak spirit...and I know I talk back when I am angry. I have even hit him back but I just received a harder slap.
Strange....that I, of all people, would find myself in this position...
quote:Originally posted by Madame M.: I'm sorry but that just seems frightening to me.
I would say instead: SCARY!!! Why in the world would any woman have to tolerate this??????????????? Posts: 1339 | From: Om Leito | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
yes shakira, this is the right reaction towards this thread.
Shakira, Do you think that those women r drunken and they say some hallucination in this thread under the effect of hullucingenic drug?
Posts: 2728 | From: جمهورية مصر العربية | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Sashyra88: [QUOTE]Originally posted by Madame M.: I'm sorry but that just seems frightening to me.
I would say instead: SCARY!!! Why in the world would any woman have to tolerate this??????????????? [/QUOTE
Sometimes it's because you're waiting for them to change (they never ever do). You're scared to leave and have nowhere to go, no money of your own, no-one to help/ support you and you have children to think about.
You think that you deserve it, you did or said something to make them like this.
Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Egyptian_batman: yes shakira, this is the right reaction towards this thread.
Shakira, Do you think that those women r drunken and they say some hallucination in this thread under the effect of hullucingenic drug?
Sorry to say,Batman,but i`ve read more stories like hers,not on this forum,though. And also sorry to say this to her,but honey,he does not love you if he uses any kind of violence with you!!!!!!! I don`t know how you grew up or were,and what are you used to seeing in your family,but you sound totally weird and condescendent when talking about such abuse.Because whatever excuse you think give him,that is not love,it is ABUSE! Posts: 1339 | From: Om Leito | Registered: Aug 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Madame M.: I'm sorry but that just seems frightening to me.
I would say instead: SCARY!!! Why in the world would any woman have to tolerate this???????????????
why dont you ask her what makes her husband frightening? there is something hidden in this thread
Posts: 2728 | From: جمهورية مصر العربية | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Egyptian_batman: yes shakira, this is the right reaction towards this thread.
Shakira, Do you think that those women r drunken and they say some hallucination in this thread under the effect of hullucingenic drug?
It's called rose tinted glasses, and wanting a marriage to work and trying everything possible so that people don't see you as a faliure or as a victim.
Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
<You're scared to leave and have nowhere to go, no money of your own, no-one to help/ support you and you have children to think about.
You think that you deserve it, you did or said something to make them like this. >
When i read things like these is when i`m proud and happy to say i don`t depend economically from men.Is this what some submissive woman calls "love",i`m not interested in it,i don`t want it.
Posts: 1339 | From: Om Leito | Registered: Aug 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Sashyra88: <You're scared to leave and have nowhere to go, no money of your own, no-one to help/ support you and you have children to think about.
You think that you deserve it, you did or said something to make them like this. >
When i read things like these is when i`m proud and happy to say i don`t depend economically from men.Is this what some submissive woman calls "love",i`m not interested in it,i don`t want it.
u say that because you r miraco career woman. but others women r weak and nice.
Posts: 2728 | From: جمهورية مصر العربية | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
unfortunately, sometimes women are in positions where they can only rely and depend on their husbands/ partners for emotional support, through no fault of their own, maybe they are living in a different country and are unable to speak the language and therefore become more dependent on her partner.
When the woman begins to find herself and learns the language and is able to make her own friends he becomes jealous as she no longer heavily relies and depends on him. So this anger has to be vented in another way.
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Egyptian_batman: يا جماعة وحدوا الله و صلوا ع النبي كده و اهدوا دلوقتي الراجل ضرب الست لييه أكييد في حاجه now, just relax all,
why the man slap the woman?
why did he get angry??
ميين الي زعله ما هو مش معقول الراجل هيضرب مراته من غيير سبب
there must b a reoson for this fight?
Oh so if there's a reason then it's ok????
There is nothing in the world that ever justifies a man slapping, hitting, punching, kicking a woman.
Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Egyptian_batman: يا جماعة وحدوا الله و صلوا ع النبي كده و اهدوا دلوقتي الراجل ضرب الست لييه أكييد في حاجه now, just relax all,
why the man slap the woman?
why did he get angry??
ميين الي زعله ما هو مش معقول الراجل هيضرب مراته من غيير سبب
there must b a reoson for this fight?
Oh so if there's a reason then it's ok????
There is nothing in the world that ever justifies a man slapping, hitting, punching, kicking a woman.
may be she slap him 1st then he was defending himself Posts: 2728 | From: جمهورية مصر العربية | Registered: Sep 2006
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If he were a real man then he'd walk away, go out and cool down. That's what makes a man being able to control yourself, anger and temper
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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