posted
I used to be in an abusive relationship with a man who was a well-known firefighter in my community. The abuse started out subtle and then escalated to full-blown violence. The first time he ever hit me, I slapped him right back. We did that to each other for a little more than 3 years before I finally broke the abusive cycle and left. Hitting is never the way to solve an issue. I did wrong by becoming as awful to him as he was to me instead of just leaving. I had counseling to resolve my issues..and hitting is never acceptable under any circumstances. I hope you will consider counseling or make a strong choice to separate or leave. But, a volatile marriage or relationship is never right. I finally made the decision to leave when he threatened to kill me by driving head-on into an oncoming car in the opposite lane. He said 'if he couldn't have me..no one would'.He didn't like my reaction because I didn't scream or react in terror...I just grew very calm and started telling him that I wasn't afraid and he could do what he wanted. He swerved back into the correct lane just a few feet before the oncoming car could hit us. He dropped me off about a mile down the road and I left. He continued to call me a year after that and some weeks I received over 100 calls. It finally stopped when I contacted the police and did something. He also lost his job (long story). Please, think of your situation carefully and realize that abuse is wrong.
Posts: 820 | Registered: Mar 2006
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I'm at loss for words, but then again I'm not surprised at his attitude.
I'd like to see what he would if his sister or daughter was affected.
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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I'd like to see what he would if his sister or daughter was affected.
I am sure he'd slap his sister around if she went home to ask for his intervention.
Posts: 3168 | From: If you don't like it, don't look or read it! | Registered: Oct 2006
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Actually, Batman's reaction doesn't come as a big shock. He seems to think religion can be used as justifications or explanations for all things.
Posts: 820 | Registered: Mar 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Sapna: Actually, Batman's reaction doesn't come as a big shock. He seems to think religion can be used as justifications or explanations for all things.
What happened to the Final Prophet's (PBUH) insistance that logic and reason must accompany faith at all times?
Posts: 3168 | From: If you don't like it, don't look or read it! | Registered: Oct 2006
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quote:Originally posted by CairoStudent: Ok so that was 2 days ago... he's going to hit you again, I just wondered how fast it will happen?
Can Allah stop him for a few days? or just one or two?
quote:Originally posted by Ana Heya Enti: I made the dicision to leave and went online to buy a ticket home while he was out at work. However, before doing so I (insert complicated excuses here) ... I am going to choose to believe in my husband ...I know this can turn out to be another statistical relationship gone bad but I also know that change can happen. I have never been naive, and I am certainly not a dumb person, and I hate to think that is what some of you are thinking about me....but sometimes, going against the grain can be a test.
Lets just think about this post. You start off saying he hits you. But you don't want to hear what WE think of that. You just want to hear from other women with the same problem.
Maybe you are looking for other victims, so they can excuse his behavior?
He will continue to beat you, and it appears you will accept this.
Maybe you have abused women syndrome.
Do you ever stop to think before you speak? Must we continue to have this problem with you EVERY TIME? Goodness gracious!!!
The girl did hear what people said to her. She just did not hear what YOU SAID TO HER because, as usual, you are talking out the wrong hole. (((Geesh, this is my first angry post ever!!! This girl drives me up the wall.)
You try to end it on a sympathetic note but you start off with your trademark attack. Enough.
(((Darn, I just became another Egyptsearch statistic and got all "batman" on her!!!))) Posts: 285 | From: egypt | Registered: Apr 2006
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ya know Allah, Jesus, the Easter bunny, st. Nick, isn't going to stop an abusor nor can they or batman EVER justify abuse, or it will make you pure ... or whatever excuse I can pull out of my ass ..
wow and i have my crystal ball in front of me, Your going to have a life of hell and misery ...GET OUT !!!
Posts: 816 | From: On top of a dog house | Registered: Sep 2004
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I for one would never tolerate a slap in any way, shape or manner. It sounds like your husband tries to live a good muslim mans life. Im not sure if this is the case...but IF it IS, a frank discussion is needed with him. I would break out your Quran. And point out that the word to strike in that passage (not sure of the surah) is also the same word used multiple times through out the Quran with different meanings. In once case it means to hit, in another to strike your foot to the ground to draw attention, yet in another to create a divide. If you take the ARABIC part of this Surah that deals with "striking" a woman, you will see that it is meant as a way to seperate. A final step before divorce. Now in the prior verses of this surah, show him where it is the HUSBANDS responsibility to save a bad marriage. If a husband is to SAVE a marriage...and bring his wife back into a loving home....explain to him, that the way to do in certainly wouldn't be with a physical hit, but, as intended in this verse...a SEPERATION of sorts. Refer to all the Hadiths and verses in the Quran that show how a man is to treat his wife. Remind him that one of YOUR responsibilities as a good wife is to "comeplete" his religion. THAT is why you are brining this to him. Out of your LOVE and CONCERN that he is RIGHT with Allah. Tell him you will pray for him and for wisdom in this matter. Never allow him to raise a hand to you again. It is not only wrong morally, but in Gods eyes as well. God dislikes divorce (as stated in the Quran) and would not want a man to do ANYTHING that would prompt one...including hitting. In this culture, a man really feels if a woman is disobedient that he has a RIGHT to hit her per the Quran...how misled some of these men are. Sad. But when you take a look at the overall steps provided to SAVE a marriage....why on earth would God suddenly slip in hitting your wife?? Set the example for him in prayer, fasting and submission to God. Ask for God to deliver you from this and pray daily for your husbands deliverance from this abusive nature. Be a good wife and have faith God is able to change him. But NEVER let him hit you again. I know you love him. If you have kids, or WILL have kids...THIS is the example he is setting. How does THAT fit in to the Qurans idea of the place a mother holds?? How can the MOTHER of his kids be held in esteem if HE himself hits and disrespects her? Set your limits...draw your boundry out of love. Tough love will win with Gods help. Romans 8:28 "All things are possible, through GOD which strengthens me" Good luck...May Allah bless you for wanting whats right and in trying to keep your marriage promise.
Posts: 100 | From: Fredericksburg, VA, USA | Registered: Feb 2005
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am im not going to get perosnal but i HATE IT if my presnt husband was to slap me ,well the memories of what i blocked from a prevous marriage wud come bck and id probably kill this time ,my husband is a good man and weve had bad moments but he wud never never hit me he walk and dissaper from me ,hes seen the scars to what i bear ,and he hurts that any one cud hurt me cause he says im so lovable and cute how cus any one hurt his chimp ,but then u dont have to be slapped to be hurt just doing summat wrong cud be a slapp in the face ..
may allah be with and bless you in these trying times ..
Posts: 4597 | Registered: Jun 2006
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real men would never EVER hit a woman. i bet you he wouldn't hit a guy his own size. i know i could never cause someone i love any pain. slap the f'er back and if he doesn't like it, call the police. last night my husband fought real bad with me because i wouldnt give him my pay. i ended up throwing it to him just to shut him up. dont let yourself get into this.
Posts: 229 | From: philadelphia, pa, usa | Registered: Oct 2005
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ohhhhhhhhhh if my husband has asked for my pay id cook it for him and feed his friggen gob and dont he know it he can never shout wif me cause i shout louder ,im actually the boss in my house he dont like it he can bugg off im had enough of crap tp last me alife time ..he pisses me off them me dont speak for at least a week im very good at that mand he hates it ,the other day he pissed me off so for 3days he got up and got his own food and drink befre rosa str ted again he wudnt dare come to me ,so know he only gets up and washes but he dont eat until after 6pm now ,oh i say im not a nice chimp am i ,but thats me now i go out to wrk and in training im not a friggen slave ,,so he can have his residence order he can WRK FOR IT AND THATS MEANING PUTTING A PINNI ON TO DO HOUSE WRK THEN SO FRIGGEN BE IT ...he gets his dessert when i want them ..
Posts: 4597 | Registered: Jun 2006
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HUH ME ASKING YEAH RIGHT WHERE ,,TELL ME WHERE SUNBUNNY....WAS THAT FOR ME IF NOT IM OFF not interesting mood ,PMT..
Posts: 4597 | Registered: Jun 2006
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I agree with the ladies on here. It is a vicious cycle that never ends. Unles you both make it end. I have been in that kind of situation. Oddly enough I believed he would change. Thought I had to stick it out becuase that's what a good wife and mother does. All those things.
I am glad that he wants to fix this problem. That says a lot for the kind of man he is. Although I have to warn you. Mine said it too. But he never really did anything about it. He always found excuses. Even when people did talk to him, he was always right. So it depends on the person I think.
I agree this is not culture. This is the reality of some men in this world. My egyptian man even when he is so mad at me he always controls himself. He always respects me. So always give respect and demand it.
If you truly want this to work. Be prepared to compromise. If you know he has a problem, don't provoke. Do little things that show him that you are trying too. Bite you tongue, walk away, say in a kind manner what you want and that you refuse to argue, things like that. That should make him want to try harder all the more.
I never talk back to my guy. But I respect him too much to do that. We talk and argue but in a productive way.
It's good to stand up for yourself and not to take anything inappropriate. That is very important. But I have to admit that there were times, when I really should have walked away. Especially if he was trying. I believe a woman should never allow herself to be treated badly. But I also believe that if you truly love someone, there are little things you can do, that he can see as a compromise that can make a world of difference. If giving a little helps then its worth it. After all its' your love your fighting for.
Hope this helps. Just speaking from my own experiences.
-------------------- شكرا و أللام عليكم شيبى Posts: 2133 | From: Redneckland | Registered: Oct 2006
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arguing is healthy, it means you are human. but it should be en educated argument that doesnt land in a snake pit of pain. as for these men who hurt, they do love...everyone loves, but they have inner things going on in the heads that come from their upbringing and past experiences that f them up. no one is born bad. but if he doesnt want to help himself work those issues out then he is hopeless and she should leave.
Posts: 229 | From: philadelphia, pa, usa | Registered: Oct 2005
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Arguing and words exchanged in the heat of the moment is different to being attacked for no apparant warning or reason. Eample
You open the door,to greet him when he comes home, you smile ask him how he is? and go and fix his coffee and tell him the food is ready for when he wants to eat while he changes and has a shower.
You are met by a barrage of abuse and insults finally resulting in locking yourself in a safe place.
You stay there for 2 hours while he comes and goes continuing to insult and threaten you.
When you finally come out after he convinces you that he's ok he's calmed down and you think he sounds like himself.
You're met by a punch, kick, slap, furniture being thrown around, being dragged around by you hair, a knife held to you throat. You keep quiet, don't answer.
and the cycle is repeated on a weekly basis, he promises that he'll change, but it's your fault, you go into yourself, you become depressed and try to jump threw hoops to make him happy, the brusies come and go, a fresh one as an old one fades, a broken rib, a head cut open.
Do you stay and fight?
Or do you finally pick yourself and self respect up off the floor, tak the biggest most diffiuclt step that you've ever had to take and leave let the door close and build a new life??????
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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arent men always complaining how they hate that women think they can change them? I cant imagine being in a relationship with a man who would raise his hand against me. I've never seen those type of men in my family, and I dont see those men as men. What is a man proving by hitting a woman? That his self esteem and self worth are so low that he has to prove his physical dominance over someone who is most usually already physically weaker? Sad. Theres no need to be with a man like that, I've heard all the reasons. In the Muslim community, especially with the 1st generation immigrants to the U.S., i see women who wont leave their abussive husbands "for the kids". Let me tell you, kids who grow up in a home of fear, in a home where a woman is shown no respect, where dominance is shown by physical abuse, come out ALOT worse than kids whose parents are divorced.
Posts: 1967 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Ana Heya Enti: I wonder how many of you women can relate...and what you have to say about your personal experiences.
My husband, an Egyptian man in his twenties, is an overall good husband.....but he has one major flaw. When I anger him, or when he finds I disrespect him, his anger will bubble up and he will slap me. Not repeatedly - but a slap nevertheless. He walks away in anger feeling bad - but the damage is done.
If I talk back to him he shuts me up by threatening to slap me. He says he would never do it but that he finds that is the best way to shut me up... by controlling with fear and intimidation....
Can you relate? What does your husband consider disrespectful...and that you are simply not used to because youa re from a different culture?
Congrats, you fail at life.
Posts: 40 | Registered: Oct 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Ana Heya Enti: I wonder how many of you women can relate...and what you have to say about your personal experiences.
My husband, an Egyptian man in his twenties, is an overall good husband.....but he has one major flaw. When I anger him, or when he finds I disrespect him, his anger will bubble up and he will slap me. Not repeatedly - but a slap nevertheless. He walks away in anger feeling bad - but the damage is done.
If I talk back to him he shuts me up by threatening to slap me. He says he would never do it but that he finds that is the best way to shut me up... by controlling with fear and intimidation....
Can you relate? What does your husband consider disrespectful...and that you are simply not used to because youa re from a different culture?
Congrats, you fail at life.
definatley she shouldnt direspect her husband but he shouldnt slap her either.
you're being too tough Vanilla......... obviously you dont take bullshit Posts: 3128 | From: Not Your Heaven | Registered: Sep 2006
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OK I am not going to sit here and tell you all that I have read every single thread in this posts. But I have read enough to just make me sick. Now the Egyptian man I am with says he would never raise a hand to me. And I have told him that if he ever did it would be the end. My ex, was an abusive man. You know what made me stay FEAR. I had been with my ex since I was a young teenager, I was 16 he was 19 when we first started dating. At first things were ok, but the first time he hit me I didnt know how to act.I did not come from an abusive family. But I stayed because I thought it was my fault. But as time went on and I had his children I knew more and more that it was not ok and it was not my fault. and God is not the reason that I deserved to be hit. You want tragic then continue to live this life. Unless he magically changes it will only get worse. I know, and it does make it even worse when there are children invovled. My kids were fortunate enough not to see thier father hit me. But they did see the bruses and scars. in my 9 years with my ex, I made a lot of excuses I made a lot of reason to stay and protect him. You know the BS was not worth it. My nose was broken 8 different times, I have had 5 cracked ribs, 2 broken ribs, a fractured arm and the last time he damn near killed me. What made me leave I wasnt afraid anymore, he had beaten the fear out of me. I had become like all those women that are just another statistic, And I was going to be damned if I were going to let my boys grow up to be anytihng like him. The last straw, was right before I left. He had the balls to tell me if he couldn't have me no one would, He then proceeded to pull a gun on me, and not just any gun, the gun I had bought myself for protection. He pulled my own gun on me and pointed it point blank at my head. I do not to this day know what stopped him from pulling the trigger, but whatever it was I thank god everyday. I finally broke called my mom and asked her to come get me. I waited for him to go to work, I packed up what I could and I took the kids. Now it has been almost 8 years. I had to admit to my family that I was being abused. And what pisses me off was it started off with him slapping me. No I rephrase that, what pissed me off the nost was I too was told that no one would ever want me again, and all this other bullshit. What hurt the most was I still loved him. Now that love has turned to hate. He has not seen his kids in almost 8 years, he doesn't care. With him it was about him having the control over me. It hurts me to see women out there being treated like this. And in my opinion there is no reason for any man to ever lay a hand on a woman. I dont care if she has disrespected him by talking back, that is not a reason. He should be man enough to walk away and come back after he is calmed down to talk about it. But like I said that is just my opinion. My advice. IF you want to live this kind of life then by all means go ahead. I lived in a town with him where I did not know anyone, I did not have money, but Thank god I had my mother to come get me. and just to claify the times I was geting my ass kicked I never fought back. He has made me into the defensive person I am now, Just ask the last guy who tried to hit me. I ended up breaking his arm. I am not proud of that but I was not going to be hit and abused again. And you may think I am being hard or mean, but the chances of him changing are about the same chances I have of winning the lottery and becoming a millionaire, and those chances are very slim because I never buy the damn tickets. sorry if I being hard or rude, but this has hit a nerve in me. And that is all I am going to say about it
Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2006
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I REALLY ADMIRE YOU FOR POSTING YOUR STORY HERE AND CONGRATLATIONS ON BEING A SURVIVOR.
-------------------- Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope for the future. Posts: 1474 | From: in my own paradise | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by FireAngel: OK I am not going to sit here and tell you all that I have read every single thread in this posts. But I have read enough to just make me sick. Now the Egyptian man I am with says he would never raise a hand to me. And I have told him that if he ever did it would be the end. My ex, was an abusive man. You know what made me stay FEAR. I had been with my ex since I was a young teenager, I was 16 he was 19 when we first started dating. At first things were ok, but the first time he hit me I didnt know how to act.I did not come from an abusive family. But I stayed because I thought it was my fault. But as time went on and I had his children I knew more and more that it was not ok and it was not my fault. and God is not the reason that I deserved to be hit. You want tragic then continue to live this life. Unless he magically changes it will only get worse. I know, and it does make it even worse when there are children invovled. My kids were fortunate enough not to see thier father hit me. But they did see the bruses and scars. in my 9 years with my ex, I made a lot of excuses I made a lot of reason to stay and protect him. You know the BS was not worth it. My nose was broken 8 different times, I have had 5 cracked ribs, 2 broken ribs, a fractured arm and the last time he damn near killed me. What made me leave I wasnt afraid anymore, he had beaten the fear out of me. I had become like all those women that are just another statistic, And I was going to be damned if I were going to let my boys grow up to be anytihng like him. The last straw, was right before I left. He had the balls to tell me if he couldn't have me no one would, He then proceeded to pull a gun on me, and not just any gun, the gun I had bought myself for protection. He pulled my own gun on me and pointed it point blank at my head. I do not to this day know what stopped him from pulling the trigger, but whatever it was I thank god everyday. I finally broke called my mom and asked her to come get me. I waited for him to go to work, I packed up what I could and I took the kids. Now it has been almost 8 years. I had to admit to my family that I was being abused. And what pisses me off was it started off with him slapping me. No I rephrase that, what pissed me off the nost was I too was told that no one would ever want me again, and all this other bullshit. What hurt the most was I still loved him. Now that love has turned to hate. He has not seen his kids in almost 8 years, he doesn't care. With him it was about him having the control over me. It hurts me to see women out there being treated like this. And in my opinion there is no reason for any man to ever lay a hand on a woman. I dont care if she has disrespected him by talking back, that is not a reason. He should be man enough to walk away and come back after he is calmed down to talk about it. But like I said that is just my opinion. My advice. IF you want to live this kind of life then by all means go ahead. I lived in a town with him where I did not know anyone, I did not have money, but Thank god I had my mother to come get me. and just to claify the times I was geting my ass kicked I never fought back. He has made me into the defensive person I am now, Just ask the last guy who tried to hit me. I ended up breaking his arm. I am not proud of that but I was not going to be hit and abused again. And you may think I am being hard or mean, but the chances of him changing are about the same chances I have of winning the lottery and becoming a millionaire, and those chances are very slim because I never buy the damn tickets. sorry if I being hard or rude, but this has hit a nerve in me. And that is all I am going to say about it
ive become a bit like you i wudnt stand for any one to hit me now ,but i must stress my present husband who is egyptian has never hit me and i dont think he will he actually said hes afraid if he did what he get bck ,but my ex husband yes notoriusely bad then ,but im forgive cus i wanted too im best of friends with mine but im also a big beleive in ALLAH and he will asnwer to him he asked forgiveness of me and i said i forgave long ago its ALLAH you will answer too ,but thats me how i feel CORAGIOUS WOMAN YOU ARE ,,,I APPLAUD YOU CHIMPS..
Posts: 4597 | Registered: Jun 2006
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thank you both, I just hate to see others in a similar situation, it angers me to see men treat women like that I am glad to share if it helps save at least one woman
Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2006
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