posted
and yes my ex husband was living with his mother and you know what, he isnt in a trailer park because he is the one that watches my children while i am at work, and he had to have a decent place to keep them,, guess what, while i am at work, he and the kids stay here in my home, my childrens home, as soon as i arrive home he goes out to his little rv. Im not doing anything bad to my children by letting him stay in that drive way, in fact over all, the way he and i have done things is by far better than most divorced people. Cause of this.. they usually say i get the kids this holiday and you get them this one, i have the kids these days and you get them this one. and every time they come near eachother they scream and fight and then ultimately start sending horrible messages to eachother through the kids, or telling the kids well your mother/father does this or is that. We do none of that at all none.... The holidays are usually done in my home with all of us present, not to my liking but the kids see that we can still be a family and be nice even if we aren't married, will it stay that way when i marry, no. It will change, but it will be that they spend half the day with me, then the other half with their father, not christmas eve here or christmas there, or one year easter there and the next here. They will see us both each and every holiday. And as it is , they get to have us both in their lives every single day, not 3 days a week him and the other me. or every other weekend. We dont fight or argue not one word in front of those kids, if there are things to be discussed it is done over the phone when the kids are not home. It is kept between he and i only, the kids are not messengers or witnesses to the bad feelings. So tell me how is the arrangement with the ex husband soo soo horrible for my children, how am i damaging them with that???? heaven forbid that i allow them to have both parents in their life and their parents not fight. No the ex husband will not come into my home when i am married, small things will change according to my husbands wishes, after all its his home.
posted
An ultimatum (Latin: the last one) is a demand whose fulfillment is requested in a specified period of time and which is backed up by a threat to be followed through in case of noncompliance. An ultimatum is generally the final demand in a series of requests. As such, the time allotted is usually short, and the request is understood not to be open to further negotiation.
How is what you've said to him not an ultimatum again?
Re; your kids, not sure of their ages, but you think it is fair to them and teaches them boundaries, respect and relationship reality to have their father living outside, and actually sitting INSIDE your home all day? Admit that you are in it for the free babysitting and be done with it, there is no nobler purpose to subverting your life in the name of the kids. I am divorced, and after that adopted 2 kids, so I know something about Ex's and kids. I'd sooner eat my hand than come home to the man I'd left behind, you are basically married without sharing a bedroom in order to not pay daycare. Consider your driveway a path to the guesthouse. Sa?
I'm not a mean old woman, but I am so OVER your look at me I'm so chased after and desired baloney.
Yep, leave him alone. Stop taking his text messages and calls, stop plugging in that webcam, stop feeding your ego with his empty attention. It takes two to tango, and you are equally involved.
By his behavior of the last 10 years that you have shared, and the loser outside the door you sure know how to pick winners. Good luck and Enjoy Egypt!
Posts: 1071 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
PLENTY of children have divorced parents, traditional daycare/in home care, and regular visitation with split holidays and child support, PLENTY, And the idea that these children would be better off with Mom playing "love me" on webcam to guys in Africa, with Dad right outside is ludidrious. Raising emotionally healthy children takes emotionally healthy adults, and the example you are setting isn't as selfless as you like to think it is. You even admit that as soon as another man enters your life, the Dad has to leave. Will your daycare needs have changed then? Will your noble holidays together have shifted? Its a bit contradictory to crow about how healthy and great it is to live one way, and then say you'd flip it all upside down if another player entered the field. If it is so great and normal and healthy, wouldn't the addition of another adult just make it moreso? Or is two babysitters too many? How will the Ex respoding to the idea of an Arab in his kitchen, raising his kids?
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Having strangers care for my children will never ever in my life happen, sorry. They have never been attended to by anyone that is not family and never will. I will not subject them to the possibilities of abuse that the daycares bring, i had a close friend lose her child that way, the little girl was 3 when she was shaken to death in a day care center. and why in the world would i send them to spend time with strangers when they have a father that is available to them amd also sure, why pay a daycare center when he can care for them and i can use that money for the things that my children like, such as new video games, or dolls, or if they see any little thing that they want.( after all there is no child support as he is on disability) He does have to leave, not when it happens but before... to a house. So when he has a place to live they will go to his house while i work, not stay here. Umm the ex husband has no say about an arab in his kitchen raising his kids, cause you know what, its not his kitchen i bought this house and i paid for it, not him... so its my kitchen thank you. As for the kids, he is perfectly fine with this man. He knows of him very well, he knows that my children talk to him regularly. Just as i am fine with him remarrying and her helping him with the children. As i said, im not begging for this mans attention, in fact at one time i told him to leave me alone, for 3 years i told him to leave me alone. And i am not begging him now, but i will not just close the door on him when he is making a true effort to be with me. No he didnt make the date i wanted the answer by, but he was there talking with her. I meant i didnt give him an ultimatum of his mother or me..... i did give him an ultimatum of get me an answer. I set a limit thats all. Once he proved that he was really serious about talking with her then i backed off it, and the text message he had sent me i thought wasnt for me,, well there was another part of the message that i had gotten earlier and i thought it was 2 different messages.... once the 2 were put together it made sense. the first one was mixed mostly english with a couple egyptian words i did know... the basic thing was that he said to me that he knows i had said somethings cause i was upset, that he was upset and nervous. And he was shy too. the rest continued to try and calm me. It doesnt matter , The area of my children and how things are with my ex husband, i have no insecurities about this, too many people here, in my real life, including people that meet each of us on our own and ask about how the divorce was, they admire that we are able to do this for the sake of the children and let go of all the things that happened in the marriage. things are working out, And i have not been involved with this man for 10 years. its been 3 and half years and nearly 3 of that,, 2 and half of that were spent apart with me not speaking to him. You dont know me, have never met me so you miss mam, haven't the right to judge. Words can easily be interpreted wrongly, situations misread. All that really matters is what is inside of me, what he thinks of me, the fact that everyone around him that has met me tells him that i am the perfect one for him, because you know what unlike other women, i dont require him to be rich or buy me this or that, i dont demand his attention every second that we are together, all i require is him. He is enough. I am content to sit quietly while he talks with his friends or does his work and watch him. I needed something to happen to help me clear my mind and it happened. i was hanging on for dear life to something that i found years ago, something that changed and was no longer available but i was determined if i fought long enough and gave myself completely it would come back. Well it mostly did but not the most important part the being together part. well one of the most important parts cause love is a huge part too and that is there.
Posts: 2410 | From: Indiana, USA | Registered: Mar 2005
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I'm not judging you, I'm just not condoning your actions. You don't likey? Don't come and ask the same things over and over.. Love is easy to imagine when you aren't cleaning his toilet.
Enjoy your relationships, especially the phantom ones, and above all else, Enjoy Egypt!
Posts: 1071 | Registered: Aug 2005
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quote:Originally posted by mysticheart: Ok most of you remember my dilemma i went through a few months ago where my then boyfriend had told me he didnt love me but liked me more than friends but companionship not really love and wanted to continue as we were and on and on and on... Here is my question to those that continually told me that i was blind and stupid if i couldnt see that he was trying to get rid of me and that i couldn't see what i was being told.... If he wanted out so badly, if what you said was true then why is it that now that things are over he has contacted me telling me that he does indeed love me and is so sorry he ever said those things to me, that he was simply irritated with me and didnt meant any of it, wants me to come back to him and after years of insisting he would never again set foot in the states has agreed to come here to visit for one month every year? If he really wanted out and really didnt love me why is he saying these things to me?????? Hmm appears you didnt know what you were talking about huh. Problem is that i moved on during the time we didnt speak or started to anyway and now i am completely stuck. I never in a million years expected this from him, also offered a marriage proposal later down the road, but much later due to certain circumstances. Once again just when i am ready to move on he is back and pulling me hard to him. Only this time i am not being so quick to just go back to him. I find that i really cant choose who i am supposed to be with, i dont trust myself to make the right decision and dont want to hurt anyone. But as i said the basic point of this was to say, hey you people that told me i was stupid and to blind to see what was being told directly to me... you were wrong, he does love me and does want to be with me, I was not kidding myself by thinking these things.
Mystic, it is not about what others think of you & it is not about what he wants...... it is about what YOU want..... what do you want? do you want him back?
mystic, i am not going to judge you or critisize you or anything but if you read this book called "he's not that into you" you may inderstand what i am about to say....... a guy that breaks up with you or asks to take a break from you, is not that into you..... a guy who breaks your heart is not that into you. a guy that doesnt call you or return your calls is not that into you, a guy who doesnt want to marry you is not that into you...... and the list of "his not that into you" goes on......
Now, i dont care about what others told you, i havent even seen those posts..... i am also not telling you that you are wrong..... what you are going through is normal.... you are in love with a guy & confused at the same time
If you move on then dont give him the chance to bring you back again, this guy is obviuosly selfish & possessive, he wants you around but he doesnt care about your feelings, if he did really care he wouldnt have told you those things that hurt & confused you in the first place
Sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing to do...... i'd say, leave him, decide that it's over once & for all..... stop all forms of communication with him, he has to let you move on.
You have reached a point where you dont trust yourself anymore, do you really want to loose yourself for this guy? is he worth it? NO
Leave him & get your life back....... believe me if you continue with him, at some point you'll regret not taking the decision to have left him earlier.
you have to loose him to gain yourself....... he is making you loose yourself in the process, he is taking all your power away. Do you want this?
Any guy or any realtionship that is leaving you confused & not trusting yourself is toxic to your wellbeing.
One last thing, dont judge a person by what he says....... judge him by what he does..... action speaks louder than words..... How many times did he tell you great words that you wanted to hear? how many times did he fulfill his promises? men say alot of things but what sets a good man that loves you apart from the one who doesnt is that when he says something he means it & he delivers....... you wont be left with words, broken promises & excuses
And believe you me, his marriage proposal is only a way to get you back..... it is not a promise, it's only a thought & you will see that once you get back together with him that it was not sincere........ he's making excuses all the time & he offers to marry you in 10 years?
Good luck Mystic
Posts: 3128 | From: Not Your Heaven | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
Thank you dark angel and that man that offered that marriage proposal is no longer in my life. I did manage to walk away from him even with his offers.
quote:Originally posted by mysticheart: Thank you dark angel and that man that offered that marriage proposal is no longer in my life. I did manage to walk away from him even with his offers.
oh wow mystic...... you really did it, you deserve a Medal
You got rid of him? that's great news
your life will get beter..... i'm telling you, i have been in your shoes Posts: 3128 | From: Not Your Heaven | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Cosmogirl: Love is easy to imagine when you aren't cleaning his toilet.
and then..... there are some who end up cleaning it with HIS toothbrush Posts: 3291 | From: I DO believe in Karma! | Registered: Apr 2002
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yeah dark angel, i did it. It's hurting so so deeply, he is my best friend, but its just that, he is my best friend. I love him dearly but i'm not really what he wants, and he cant offer me what i really want no matter our feelings for each other. He wants a woman that is very self confident, has no selfconsciousness about her body or her actions, some one daring in bed as well, and while i let him do whatever his desires where in that area, i am very very selfconscious about how i look and how i behave, lol i am forever the behave properly girl, if told no when i ask for sex then its no, dont persist... embarrass myself by trying to intimately dance for him,,, lol never cause i cant dance for anything. He cant offer me marriage right now, doesnt want a child, cant live with me right now..... (While i have 3 children lately i have found i have a desperate craving for a baby) lol not sure why. I loved being pregnant, loved everything about having a baby. Anyway, he doesnt offer those things and im not the uninhibited woman... so better to walk away. Its hard for both of us, we are eachothers best friend, and the other night was a very hard night, I made a huge mistake...but god decided not to allow it, so here i am. Still sometimes i wish he had.
quote:Originally posted by mysticheart: yeah dark angel, i did it. It's hurting so so deeply, he is my best friend, but its just that, he is my best friend. I love him dearly but i'm not really what he wants, and he cant offer me what i really want no matter our feelings for each other. He wants a woman that is very self confident, has no selfconsciousness about her body or her actions, some one daring in bed as well, and while i let him do whatever his desires where in that area, i am very very selfconscious about how i look and how i behave, lol i am forever the behave properly girl, if told no when i ask for sex then its no, dont persist... embarrass myself by trying to intimately dance for him,,, lol never cause i cant dance for anything. He cant offer me marriage right now, doesnt want a child, cant live with me right now..... (While i have 3 children lately i have found i have a desperate craving for a baby) lol not sure why. I loved being pregnant, loved everything about having a baby. Anyway, he doesnt offer those things and im not the uninhibited woman... so better to walk away. Its hard for both of us, we are eachothers best friend, and the other night was a very hard night, I made a huge mistake...but god decided not to allow it, so here i am. Still sometimes i wish he had.
What you cant offer him is not a big deal (being a little self consicous or shy in bed) if you think about it, it's nothing...... but what he cant offer you is a big deal, marriage, kids, security & love....... so who's the one suffering here.... it's you.
Love alone is not enough....... there has to be other things to complete it, otherwise this love wont survive...... & Mystic, it didnt.... it couldnt survive on it's own. And "other things" here do not mean material stuff or money.
After a while you'll realize he's not your best friend & never was....... a best friend makes his or her friend happy, but he did not make you happy, he disappointed you........ so he cant be a best friend....... he was selfish, a best friend cant be that selfish....... he hurt your feelings, a best friend doesnt hurt his friend's feelings & the list goes on
All I can say, you walked out of a toxic relationship that you expected more out of than you got...... & it was your right have those expectations because you deserve it........ But he wasnt willging to give you anything, so he doesnt deserve you
Power to you girl....... there is alot of fish in the sea...... forget about your ex-husband & your ex-boyfriend....... you need a fresh start with anather man who can give you all you need & who will make you give all the things you wanted to give because you have alot of love to give..... so find the right man to give all your love to & who will reciprocate.......
One last thing, you said that there are things you couldnt offer your ex-boyfriend, even if these things were not major, but usually women tend to withold little things from a partner who doesnt give them much........ that ex-bf didnt give you much so you couldnt give back...... but you'll see that with another giving man you'll give much more
Good luck Posts: 3128 | From: Not Your Heaven | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
Thank you and dont worry, the ex husband is never a consideration to be with lol he is definitely an ex for a reason... eeew yuk not even the thought is acceptable.
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