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Originally posted by Anthropos:
...your marriage was destined for failure?


Logically I feel that we will divorce for sure.

What shall I do? I love him, and no one makes me as happy, but I feel that there is too much difference. And I feel that I know in my heart that it will not work out...what kind of situation is that?

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Girl....did'nt you just had a beautiful baby? What is this all negative thoughts in you lately?Focus on your newborn and be thankful to God for your healthy child.
You are obviously going thru post-partum depression,so professional help would be a good idea for you.

Posts: 3833 | From: here,there,everywhere | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | 

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Originally posted by Tigerlily:
Anthropos, marriage in the beginning is never easy - especially since you also became very recently a mom. I've been there myself but we worked all out thankfully. Don't throw everything so quickly away, don't let it go. You need to work on your relationship, it's a tough challenge but so rewarding. All the best for your little family.

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Right! I have been there too in the rocky boat but once you reach calmer waters again, you are proud you made it through the rough oceans!!

About the baby... it gets better!! really... The beginning is hard, certainly if you have to go working too. Stay positive!!

Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | 

posted                         

quote:

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Originally posted by Anthropos:
...your marriage was destined for failure?


Logically I feel that we will divorce for sure.

What shall I do? I love him, and no one makes me as happy, but I feel that there is too much difference. And I feel that I know in my heart that it will not work out...what kind of situation is that?

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Posts: 2757 | From: YOU CAN ONLY SEE WHAT I CHOOSE TO SHOW, THERE IS SO MUCH MORE YOU JUST DONT KNOW | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | 

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Originally posted by Habeeby:
unfortunatelly you are suffering from depression at the moment

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Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged | 

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Originally posted by Anthropos:
if I express how i have been feeling after the birth he says that I create problems. That I want to create problems.

he doesn't have clue that women can feel like this after giving birth.

he just says that I should thank God for this beautiful baby.

He is right of course about that.

But this attitude doesn't really help me a lot.

I have started bottling everything inside because I know that according to him my feelings are not to be expressed in this home.

because that will give him stress. and we can't have that...

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Posts: 2757 | From: YOU CAN ONLY SEE WHAT I CHOOSE TO SHOW, THERE IS SO MUCH MORE YOU JUST DONT KNOW | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | 

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Originally posted by Anthropos:
if I express how i have been feeling after the birth he says that I create problems. That I want to create problems.

he doesn't have clue that women can feel like this after giving birth.

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Posts: 1039 | From: Cairo | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged | 

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Originally posted by elizabethN:
a middle eastern man told me something that has stuck in my mind recently. Unless you are egyptian, you will never be a "good wife" in their eyes. You can never do enough for these guys and on top of that, they have been catered to and babied all their life. A wife is just that - a wife and nothing else. I am about to throw in the towel also. Screw this crap and have a nice peaceful life. They are all about themselves and nobody else when it comes down to it and unless you live together you will have no idea what it is like. It's real life, not a vacation anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Posts: 1808 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | 

posted                      

quote:

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Originally posted by Anthropos:
...your marriage was destined for failure?


Logically I feel that we will divorce for sure.

What shall I do? I love him, and no one makes me as happy, but I feel that there is too much difference. And I feel that I know in my heart that it will not work out...what kind of situation is that?

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Anthropos, I am guessing you have probably been married less than 5 years or so. I think in the initial years of marriage, especially intercultural it is natural to wonder. There are many factors working against you both and it often seems frustrating and feels like it may be easier to just throw your hands in the air and be done with it all. It seems that way but if you have children (or any on the way) I highly encourage you to push through it.

Marriage is different things to different people. To you it might be romance and compassion and sweet words, but to your husband it might be more about companionship and loyalty...it isn't better or worse, just differnet. Remember, just because someone isn't loving you the way you want exactly- it doesn't mean they aren't loving you the best way they know how. If you have a child together now you owe it to each other to TRY TRY TRY each time and when you are tired of trying, you TRY AGAIN. Marriage is worth that, children are worth that.
There was a saying ( I can't remember exactly ) that the sweetest berries are the ones furthest up the tree....I think this means the sweetness from things, in this case marriage, comes from pushing through the difficult times. Things don't always come easily, they're not supposed to, but years later when you look back, you might see how you were both strong and put your children first, by staying together.
Don't focus so much on what will be, focus on what you want it to be. Success is 3/4 attitude, if you believe it and know it, most likely it will BE. If you keep thinking it won't last, it won't. If you keep positive and keep saying, 'we will be successful in this marriage' then you have a better shot.
The best thing you can do in your marriage is to wake up each morning and think to yourself, 'how can I make my husband/wife happier today than he/she was yesterday'. It doesn't take BOTH people working on the marriage to change it, it just takes one to be the catalyst and be the example to the other. Best of luck.

Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | 

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Originally posted by advocate:
...your marriage was destined for failure?

Personally I feel that marriage liciences should be renewable after a certain amount of years, if you don't want to renew it's over...simple as!!

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hahahaha That would be TOO easy!

Posts: 370 | From: Other side of reality | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | 

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Originally posted by Anthropos:
i know i should try for the baby and it is not the right time for big decision but i feel more convinced day by day. i start even thinking of ways to manage as a single mom.

yesterday we fought again.

he keeps telling me to be different. always!
be different be different

why is he married to me if he doesn't like me?

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Any relationship between two people is in some way a sum of accepting our vices and virtues. No two people on this planet are identical. Besides, the only people we 100% 'like' are those who we don't know very well (read: we haven't discovered their bad points yet).

When you meet a person and get to know him/her you slowly notice that he/she is not what you initially thought. Sometimes first impressions are right on spot, but on the whole you have to 'redefine' your image of the other person.

And when you start living 24/7, it is often the time when your rose-tinted glasses drop.

Another very important thing IMO, is being able/willing to forgive. This is the key, I think. It doesn't mean that you regard a wrong action as harmless or acceptable in your eyes. It means letting go of the uncomfortable feelings as well as the constant wish to retaliate.
You get on with your life without resentment which might sour your inner self (and give rise to high blood pressure ). For me lack of forgiveness is like some kind of hurdle, barrier.

And above all, both of you should learn, learn, learn to be positive. As Smuckers said, it's important for at least one person to be the catalyst. Men don't like to talk about emotions, it's a well-known fact, but if you don't nag till dawn, you might succeed.

There are people who are 'unreformable' (yeah, and how on earth can I keep smiling when somebody is scowling at me all day long?). But it's a small percentage, I believe. Sometimes it's also plain immaturity, which I attribute to young age (I was like that when I was very young, I admit).

I know - easier said than done. Tough job. But you must TRY. Don't give up unless your suffering is unbearable.

Good luck.

Posts: 2807 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | 

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Originally posted by Bonzo:
I don't agree that it's just the way of Middle Eastern men to leave raising the baby to the women.

A very good Egyptian (male) friend of mine was totally enamoured of his new son and then with his next. He was a very "hands on" Dad and spent every waking moment with them (except, of course, when he had to go to work). It was one of the best times of his life and to this day he still is very active with raising his sons.

Saying that it's their culture to leave it up to the "women folk" is stereotyping and not really fair. Of course, maybe he is/was the exception to this "rule".

I know plenty of American men who do the same so I really don't think it's a cultural thing at all. The men are too busy working to be at home much and then the wives get so absorbed into the raising of the baby they forget they have a husband who needs attention, too. Let's not forget that men can be the biggest babies of all and even though they are grown & adult, they still need to feel they aren't taking 2nd place to the baby. Many marriages fall apart because the relationship ends up suffering because all of the attention goes to the new addition to the family.

And before we start bashing the men for being like this, just think how women feel when the man puts his job first and she isn't getting as much attention anymore. Not a good feeling, is it?

Just food for thought.

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Bonzo is right, IMO, men (no matter what the nationality) should be hands on and while they don't all come out of a box involved in helping to raise the children, you can help them.
Really get them involved...make a plan, have a routine to the days, you both have your jobs with the baby or you trade off every other day or so. My husband and I trade off on the diapers now (before he would hardly change one a week!), we alternate it every other day... of course I change more while he is at work...but in the evenings he can take over and always on his day off. He helps with feeding her, he brings her home snacks and sits her down and feeds her and talks to her, takes her with him to the store or around the corner to meet his brother, etc. He was not like that in the beginning, in fact his MIL and SIL would always try to do it FOR HIM when they were around. I had to clearly say that NO this is his daughter and he will remember the days of taking care of her when she was young much more fondly rather than sitting and having someone else do it.

As my mother used say, 'when a man says something is a woman's job, what he really means is that IT'S HARD WORK'.

Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | 

posted                      

quote:

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Originally posted by Anthropos:
i know i should try for the baby and it is not the right time for big decision but i feel more convinced day by day. i start even thinking of ways to manage as a single mom.

yesterday we fought again.

he keeps telling me to be different. always!
be different be different

why is he married to me if he doesn't like me?

---

Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | 

posted                      

quote:

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Originally posted by Bonzo:
I don't agree that it's just the way of Middle Eastern men to leave raising the baby to the women.

Saying that it's their culture to leave it up to the "women folk" is stereotyping and not really fair. Of course, maybe he is/was the exception to this "rule".

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Posts: 1039 | From: Cairo | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged | 

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Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers:
Bonzo is right, IMO, men (no matter what the nationality) should be hands on and while they don't all come out of a box involved in helping to raise the children, you can help them.

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My best friend in Germany had a baby a couple of years ago, and her relationship really suffered during the first half year after the birth.

Her partner was neither a macho nor a lazy guy, but he left a lot of the responsibility to her, simply because he was scared. He is one of those guys who needs to do everything perfectly, have total control etc. For example, when he cooks something, he never, ever improvises anything, he has to have a recipe and follow it to the letter, otherwise he gets nervous.

Now of course that approach doesn't work with a baby, there is no manual that you can follow to the letter and everything will be fine. It was painful watching him handle the kid because he was so nervous and insecure. And whenever he didn't know what to do with this daughter, he would just hand her back to my friend.

She was like ... wtf ... I'm new to this as well, just because the baby came out of me doesn't mean I have a manual implanted in my brain. It's all about try and error, about learning, asking others and intuition.

I remember she often got very frustrated and angry at him. But she kept insisting and talking and discussing, and as time passed, the situation improved. He's now a very hands-on dad and it is lovely to watch how he deals with his daughter.

But I believe if she had simply done all the work herself and not insisted on him getting involved, it would not have come to this. It took a lot of love and effort.

Posts: 3587 | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | 

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Originally posted by Dalia*:
... her relationship really suffered during the first half year after the birth.

He is one of those guys who needs to do everything perfectly, have total control etc. For example, when he cooks something, he never, ever improvises anything, he has to have a recipe and follow it to the letter, otherwise he gets nervous.

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Mmmm, how do you know my husband?


It's good that women point out to their husband he has to make some efforts too... although I think you can't really CHANGE a person. When a guy is a control-freak and wants everything to be perfect, it will always be like that. Perfectly cleaned house, perfect meals, perfect children... Not always easy for the one who is 'less perfect'.

Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged |