posted
3 years to the day since I went to Egypt and met my husband.
Sad truth is... this has been a disaster all along. Now I'm so embarrassed that I invested so much time.
I kept thinking this will get better. "after his VISA"..."after the wedding"... "after the baby"...
But what's life like now? I feel ripped off since I didn't get a proper wedding. His reaction to the pregnancy was terrible. He can't be a doctor here so he works in a store. He used to act like conservative Egyptians were weird. Now it's American women he looks down on.
The worst is the "I left everything for you!" line. As if I forced him. He was the one begging me to get married, to hurry up and do the visa.
It has been the nightmare you would imagine. He never adapted. Refuses to obey the law = endless drivers license problems. Crashed my Mercedes, never fixed it. He pays the rent but thats only lately, and never on time. Failed his doctors license exam and never tried again. Has isolated my from all my friends. Doesn't want me to have a cell phone. "Borrows" hundreds of dollars without asking. He tries to convince me to buy a house, which I'm terrified to do because I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I know I'm not the only one.
Posts: 214 | From: Cairo | Registered: Mar 2006
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-------------------- your ass is so tight when you fart only a dog can hear it.when you queef only a cat can hear that one. Posts: 9776 | From: You like If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood. | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
People like Shisha-Master (with his LoLs) are probably the reason Cosmo kept quiet so long... you can keep laughing at me but there is lots of pain and I am not the only one...
posted
u know i do not think this is funny at all its disgusting.. the way these men think they can treat us like that..we should all stand up and take action.. women are smarter then men yall all know this....dont let theses men run yall damn... dont act like he is all u can get and walk on egg shells treat him exactly like he treats u// i see some women treat theses men like they are gods gift they support them and never ask them to try and get a job and etc.. girls the men are suppose to support us not vice versa.... damn make yr demands not the other way sround if he dont like it tell him dont let the door hit ya in the ass on the way out.. take control of yr damn lives and do somethin.. there is always somethin u can do to them.. bash his damn windows out or somethin damn....girl if my man was caught u would turn lorana bobbet on his ass. and feed his dick to the dog... i get evil when someone tries messin with my men...
Posts: 9776 | From: You like If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood. | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
I didn't lol at Cosmo, because she isn't a total dimwit...unlike you.
Posts: 6335 | From: Straight to my heart. | Registered: Sep 2007
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posted
CairoStudent, you are doing right to act precautious. It truly doesn't look like a happy and lasting union between the both of you so I advise you to prepare yourself and save up already for the rainy day which will come eventually. You need to think about yourself and your little one. Yeah you made a big mistake in marrying this man but hey usually mistakes can be fixed. And sometimes we have to make mistakes otherwise we wouldn't learn how to make things right (alright I heard the line last night in a movie but there's a lot of wisdom in it). I think you should pull the plug the sooner the better and get your own life back. All the best!! Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Agree with TL, dump him, you can do better.
i am seeing things lately that make me think women do get addicted to a man, treat it as such and get to rehab, life WILL be better without the drug/man.
shisha stop lolling around. You are a man, an Egyptian man, beware all these women dont gang up on you and show how strong they really are!!
-------------------- If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Ayisha: i am seeing things lately that make me think women do get addicted to a man, treat it as such and get to rehab, life WILL be better without the drug/man.
I so agree with you Ayisha - I used to think that unless you had that total "sick with longing feeling", yearning in your heart for someone, unable to function or think about anything else, it wasn't love. About 8 years ago I think I realised that that wasn't love at all but like you suggest - an addiction.
Posts: 5593 | From: Egypt | Registered: Dec 2005
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quote:Originally posted by CairoStudent: 3 years to the day since I went to Egypt and met my husband.
Sad truth is... this has been a disaster all along. Now I'm so embarrassed that I invested so much time.
I kept thinking this will get better. "after his VISA"..."after the wedding"... "after the baby"...
But what's life like now? I feel ripped off since I didn't get a proper wedding. His reaction to the pregnancy was terrible. He can't be a doctor here so he works in a store. He used to act like conservative Egyptians were weird. Now it's American women he looks down on.
The worst is the "I left everything for you!" line. As if I forced him. He was the one begging me to get married, to hurry up and do the visa.
It has been the nightmare you would imagine. He never adapted. Refuses to obey the law = endless drivers license problems. Crashed my Mercedes, never fixed it. He pays the rent but thats only lately, and never on time. Failed his doctors license exam and never tried again. Has isolated my from all my friends. Doesn't want me to have a cell phone. "Borrows" hundreds of dollars without asking. He tries to convince me to buy a house, which I'm terrified to do because I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I know I'm not the only one.
Kudos on you for having the courage to ut it out there.
Isolating women from all their friends and family is a common tactic used by men who go on to commit domestic violence (or psychological abuse). Happened to a close relative of mine big time. (And not Egyptian).
Posts: 5593 | From: Egypt | Registered: Dec 2005
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Aww come on, and we'll get a house together, and I'll love you forever. LOL
Posts: 6335 | From: Straight to my heart. | Registered: Sep 2007
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of_gold, it does seem that some women get addicted to Egyptian men but it is not global. Some women get the same addiction to Jamaican men, some to many other nationalities, its not just Egyptian men but on this forum it is as its a forum about Egypt.
This addiction does not just happen to women either, it also happens to gay men with Egyptian men. Sometimes the same Egyptian man that also has half a dozen women addicted at the same time. This addiction DOES appear to be just Egyptian men though.
-------------------- If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Cairo, do you love yourself? Do you love him more than you love yourself? Does he love you more than he loves himself? The hardest part of all of this is that I have the same lamentation.. I love him. My heart hurts to think about not having his silky voice telling me love words. But the truth is. I loved the fantasy of what life "could" be if only he would ..A. B. C. I didn't love the REAL life I was leading, and once I had the truth of what he was up to, I immediately removed him from my life. He still says he thinks we will end up together, and he knows all the hooks to use.. and whenever I get soft and sad, I remember holding the gifts he bought for his lover at Christmas and crying. He wasn't going to stop, he is only mad he got caught, and that I found the pride to stand up and say ENOUGH. And this **** went down on CHRISTMAS. So I was VERY vulnerable and lonely with just one one tiny boy.
But then I listened quietly.. and you know what I heard? Legions of people who care for me saying the same thing, and when I knew that he had so fucked my mind that I couldn't trust my own thinking.. I relaxed into the wind of words and let them make the decisions. And to a body every single person has said, "He has got to go". "Do not let him back in to talk, do not let him use the baby to get to you and talk to you alone, and the line of people standing with bats to hit me if I do any of those things is BIGGER than I ever thought possible. He had so isolated me and eroded my sense of self esteem that I hid in shame from the people who cared for me, or I thought I knew him better than they did and that deep down he loooved me. Love doesn't act the way he was, love doesn't hurt. I was so starved and confused that I accepted pain as love because he conditioned me to believe that feeling ANYTHING means he cares. He wouldn't keep coming back if I weren't his love. But I wasn't, he was coming back because I was his mealticket and launderess, and housekeeper, and financial manager. And because I kept letting him come back.
I was pregnant when he started this last affair and I KNEW things were off, the way he looked at me changed, and so did his behavior. I remember vividly crying and telling him to leave my house forever.. HUNDREDS of times, and he would outwait me. I could only stay white hot angry for 3 or 4 days, then the complications of working, and commuting and caring for my family got in the way, and he only had to come home those 3 or 4 days in a row, and let me cook for him and please him and feel I was of value and that I took care of him and that means we are a real couple and I'd relax then blammo he would be out till 3am again. It took me a big bottle of wine and my Mother on the phone telling me in no uncertain terms to PUT HIS **** IN BAGS put it on the porch and change the locks. I'd been hearing that from lots of folks for a long time, but thought I knew better... I wanted him to be a gentleman and gather his things and move on, he obviously loved me if he didn't leave when I asked him to right? WRONG. He took his **** that night and went directly to her house where he is still staying. (since Nov 1) God knows what he has said about me to her to get her to do it, but you know what? He isn't my problem anymore. He begs and pleads to come back, he swears he will give her up and loves me and his son.. wants to be together for those 2 months. And all the time he was plotting a Christmas spectacular with diamond jewelery and red lace lingire with her. His ability to lie to me was IMPRESSIVE, less impressive is how a smart cookie like me accepted as little as he gave.
I liken him to heroin Cairo. The first 4 months were AMAZING I was so HIGH on him, he made me think that there was a bigger life ahead of me, and that I wasn't a lonely single mother working everyday and devoting herself to her kid instead of herself.
I then spent the next 3 years chasing that high, hoping I'd feel that way again.. and with every hit off the pipe I would get close, and remember the feeling but never could quite touch it, in the end he couldn't even give me a buzz and I was disgusted by the time and money and people I had hurt in order to be with him. In therapy I found that I can be as addicted to him as I could be to any drug, and that is a sobering way to look at it. This man/love/drug felt good now, but in the end would kill me or worse, take everything I have and leave me broken.
I'd rather be whole than degraded. And I have to work on letting go of the shame I felt at letting this happen to me. The thing is.. the people I was hiding it from.. all knew anyway, and were just waiting for me to respect myself and change directions. And everyone is willing to hold my hand as I navigate the rest of the way. In my marriage I was so alone and lonely.. and now.. Im overwhelmed with tender caring supportive people. And you know what? I wasn't a lonely single mother working and shuffling. I look back and see a vibrant sucessful smart selfless woman who was profiting from the effort I put into life. I am still me, and so are you. Is what you are living now better than what you were living before him? And I will add, I love him, still do. My love for him was uncorrupted, and by loving him I was in many ways "perfected". But I don't think that love is a sentence or handcuff. I also believe that in his way he loved me too. It was his damage and his fear that made him into this kind of person. His Problem, not mine. He can have his bag of emotional games back, but I will always remember my feelings of love. Loving him doesn't mean he gets to destroy me.
Posts: 1071 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I also want to add, that now that you are "outing" yourself you are going to be accountable for your situation. Good people who have nothing to gain are offering you the same words. I haven't heard one person say, "How lovely.. stick it out it will get better in time".
I started telling my story because I needed to be accountable. If I let him back into my life after I involved SO MANY people, then I deserved what I would get. People will not live your life for you, and this is a very personal decision to make and difficult.. but you need to stop listening to the voice in your head, and start listening to other good people who are taking time and energy to help strengthen you. If you choose to stay in this relationship, nobody is going to make fun of you or beat you up abou tit, they won't even give you an "I told you so" when it gets to its inevitable zenith and end. But they won't sit and let you complain and complain about a situation you have the power to control.
posted
Sorry to hear what u are going through but I must ask did u and your husband ever discuss having a baby? During the time I have been with this forum, many people has said that Egyptian men wants a child/children and they just marry an older woman who won't or can't have a child just to use them and then go back to their country and marry and have a family. The few Egyptian men that I know do not want children. So not all Egyptian men want children.
Posts: 319 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
just sour grapes.. not every marriage ends in tragedy...u smart beautiful women chose the wrong man.....it happens to all of us noone marriage is perfect....u watch one day u will find a good man and u will be the queen and never be cheated on...
-------------------- your ass is so tight when you fart only a dog can hear it.when you queef only a cat can hear that one. Posts: 9776 | From: You like If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood. | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
Call his bluff...if he is so unhappy suggest you move back to live in Egypt. He probably is very unhappy working in a store when he used to be a doctor and failing his exams would compound that. He probably had no concept of what life in America was going to be like and he probably looks down on the women because he can't understand why they have way more opportunities than he does right now.
Posts: 3809 | From: Paradise | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
u know it would be unwise to not let him get his visa... u have 2 options.. 1 take his visa away and never hear from him again.. or 2 get him his visa and nail his ass for child support make sure he takes care of the child he so called doesnt want screw him.. and make sure they know how he treated u and didnt want yr son... screw his asss....hahaha and when that whore of his thinks he can support her hahaha he will be support yr son not hers hahahaha damn whores...
Posts: 9776 | From: You like If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood. | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
I vote: Take visa away and never hear from him again.
If you collect child support that means that he gets to take the baby at times. He doesn't sound like someone to be trusted to me.
-------------------- "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) Leap and the Net will Appear. Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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posted
she may not trust him as a husband but some bad husbands make great fathers...i doubt he would hurt his own child or miss treat him.. but i dont know him she would have to make that call....
-------------------- your ass is so tight when you fart only a dog can hear it.when you queef only a cat can hear that one. Posts: 9776 | From: You like If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood. | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
But she has him opping in and out of her life for the next umteen years, and he surely won't leave her in peace to bring in another man.
Posts: 1071 | Registered: Aug 2005
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Ok all I will say is never use your children as bargaining tools, they should know who their fathers are, then they can decide. My ex after many years has tried to get a relationship going with his children and it's way to late, they don't want to know him! He made zero effort. It's now they're choice!
Posts: 4476 | From: Scotland | Registered: Mar 2006
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quote:Originally posted by young at heart: Ok all I will say is never use your children as bargaining tools, they should know who their fathers are, then they can decide. My ex after many years has tried to get a relationship going with his children and it's way to late, they don't want to know him! He made zero effort. It's now they're choice!
that is very true.. when my twins dad left they were 2 days old.. for another woman ofcourse.. but me and my mom raised them and now they want nothin to do with a man they have never met...i left it all up to them i would never force my kids to meet their dads... i gave him umteen million chances to see them... so its yr call sweety..
Posts: 9776 | From: You like If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood. | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
Cairostudent - I'm very sorry to hear that your marriage is having difficulties. It sounds a bit suspicious that he is borrowing hundreds of dollars without asking. What is the money being spent on? Why is he borrowing so much?
Perhaps his ego can't handle that in Egypt he had a respectable position but in America he has a low paying job and he is taking that out on you. Was his reaction to the pregancy because he feels that he won't be able to provide for you or because he doesn't want one? Eitherway, the fact that he was horrified is not good Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2008
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posted
If it was a disaster all the way along why didn't you get out when you heard the first set of warning bells?
Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
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Oh please some of you need to stop finding excuses for this man!! I get the impression that he's one of these Egyptians who are true opportunists, don't make any efforts, don't take responsibility and let their foreign wives support them. A man without any dignity and grace.
DUMP HIM .... NOW! GET YOUR LIFE BACK!!
If he wants to put you on a guilt trip because he left *everything* for you (whatever that was), make him happy and send him back were he came from. No need for all the other headache he's putting you through either. Take initiative and end this marriage before it turns worse.
Best of luck, CairoStudent!!
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Lady Ferret: If it was a disaster all the way along why didn't you get out when you heard the first set of warning bells?
Ummm that would be when he sent his friend to sign the papers at the wedding and didn't turn up himself...........Come on CS you accepted that even though loads of people on here told you it's not normal...then you come back and say you feel ripped off because you didn't have a proper wedding.
Dont be embarassed you invested time, money whatever, we all make mistakes in life....but its what you do now that matters.
Its very simple he wanted a VISA to get to America, now he finds that its not all he thought it would be. If its a genuine marriage then you will both dig deep and find a way that works for both of you and the baby. If not then part and stop destroying each other lives.
Posts: 3809 | From: Paradise | Registered: Mar 2003
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quote:Originally posted by Tigerlily: Oh please some of you need to stop finding excuses for this man!! I get the impression that he's one of these Egyptians who are true opportunists, don't make any efforts, don't take responsibility and let their foreign wives support them. A man without any dignity and grace.
TL What I don't get is men in Egypt are NOT as you descibe. Respect, dignity, supporting their family etc etc are THE most important things to them. They would not accept the sort of life many seem to end up living when they get given VISA's to emigrate abroad as a result of marriage to a foreign woman.
Does emigration emasculate a man in this way or does he just leave his balls on the plane Posts: 3809 | From: Paradise | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
People get married for all the wrong reasons. I believe foreign women have not enough insight into the lives and the culture of their future Egyptian husbands and as you know when you are in love you don't realize or you elect not to see things which are not too well.
Also Penny I believe that these women dealing with a new generation of Egyptians. Yeah you have still the traditional ones and any foreign woman who is able to catch one I say mabrouk but you have now (IMHO too) many who just looking to establish themselves with the marriage of a foreign wife.
Usually foreigners when coming to a Western country are taking on any job and trying to support as much as they can their wife and children - if they have. But it seems that many of them developed a different mindset like 'my wife can support me', 'my wife gives me', 'my wife does that' etc. and I can only imagine how difficult this must be for their spouses.
Urghhh, please ladies get to know your men better before marriage and before you experience such dilemma. I know the women have the best intentions but it's so difficult to find out what the true intentions of the Egyptian men are. I guess that's the higher risk when you decide to marry someone from a developing country.
Women like CairoStudent are on an emotional, psychological and financial rollercoaster with no end in sight unless they stop it themselves. Life is not at all what they expected it to be when they married their Egyptian spouse. And the visa process is so tough to bring someone over, being separated from each over an extended period of time only to find out it's a total missmatch.
I do believe it has a lot to do with the upbringing of the Egyptian men. Many just act like big babies even if they are already 30 and older. Thank their mothers for that.
To every foreign woman who's married to a loving, honest, responsible and hard-working Egyptian man my congratulations..... I know they are out there too.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Good Post TL, perhaps you are right ...its a new generation with different values and expectations.
Posts: 3809 | From: Paradise | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
I feel like I've really lost my ability to know whats inside the normal range, for jealousy and financial issues, and everything really. And he always has an answer, which is usually more than enough to make me doubt myself.
Late from work? Had to stop by the head office.
Doesn't answer his phone? Must be a problem with the phone company.
Took $500 from my credit card? He thought I would agree anyway.
I find emails about him giving this russian girl a 'chocolate massage'? That was a platonic relationship and I don't understand.
We didn't have a proper Christian wedding in a church? Its because he can't afford it / his family is not here / church is fasting and can't marry people right now / I don't DESERVE it and I cant be TRUSTED, sice Copts cannot divorce he should be extra careful.
And when its all said and done, I am so confused and I cannot understand how I am still here.
Like I get to the point of leaving, and then I see this commercial in my mind, with all the best times in the last few years.. and I think it COULD work IF ONLY X Y Z.
I need to see a psychiatrist. I understand the part about being accountable, but I don't know how to proceed.
posted
CairoStudent, It sounds to me like you are in an abusive relationship. How it is now is how it will always be. Don't look at the good days to judge the relationship by. Judge it by the bad days. The longer you stay the harder it is to heal and the deeper you will sink. I speak from experience.
Proceed anyway you can to save yourself. Ask help from your parents. No one else can or will do it for you. This is all up to you.
How can I help?
-------------------- "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) Leap and the Net will Appear. Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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posted
I am now of the opinion that the truth in a negative form is way better than the bollox that I am reading the majority of the time.
I am not happy with this comment but at least it is not a complete biase fabricated pile of nonsense Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
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posted
Back in 2006, I remembered you posting how you were going to Egypt to spy on your husband because he hadn't contacted you for 3 days and you thought he was with another woman.
I think most people encouraged you to go and do it...but there were a couple of us who said it was wrong.
You said, that you eventually found out that his friend had died, but that upon turning up in Egypt and finding him upset, you lied to him and told him you had come to Egypt to be with him, because he was upset.
So of course I said I had come because he had lost his friend, and I wanted to be with him in his grief.
This statement proves a few things...firstly you didnt trust him and would lie to him. Secondly, you would not talk to him openly about your actions, or feelings. Thirdly, in order to make yourself look good, you will manipulate situations to your advantage.
Well things have a funny way of coming back to bite you on the bum, maybe you should have been open and honest in the first place, before baby, before Canada...and MAYBE just MAYBE you would have an honest relationship now.
In my book, you cant complain about someone being a liar, if you are one yourself.
Posts: 431 | From: England | Registered: Dec 2008
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quote:Originally posted by CairoStudent: Doesn't answer his phone? Must be a problem with the phone company.
I find emails about him giving this russian girl a 'chocolate massage'? That was a platonic relationship and I don't understand.
Don't take this crap, girl. Make it clear you don't tolerate this.
Maybe he knows you have this spyphone thing. Just saw your advert in the classifed session. Wow this is one sick marriage Posts: 3809 | From: Paradise | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Ya, about the trip in 2006, two years passed, and then one day I was on facebook and I found the 'dead' friend's profile.
It turned out that FRIEND HAD NEVER DIED. He was fine. It was a huge terrible lie. That weekend I got to Cairo and I found my husband in his office and he was really upset and crying. I don't know what the actual cause was of it. Anyway he told me his friend was dead and he cried and looking back it makes me fuious because none of it was true.
posted
I remember that specific thread too..... SO WHAT??
Look, CS, your relationship was not healthy back then and right now it's even more horrible plus you have already offspring with him.
You need to let go and move on. Make sure he's not able to take the little one with him when he's returning back to Egypt so take all needed legal precautions well in advance.
All the best for the future and remember - it can only get better.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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CS the time has come to be honest with yourself. As you have said you always thought, after this after that things will get better - it has not Whether that is your fault or his, who are we to know, but for your future happiness you need to move on - learn lessons from this. Trust is a BIGGIE when it comes to a marriage and sadly yours lacked it, spyphones etc would make a sane person crazy - what kind of life was that to lead. Do as Cosmo done write a list of all the bad things and keep remembering them. Good luck Posts: 895 | Registered: Sep 2007
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posted
CS, all of these things are whats called RED FLAGS. Ladies please use your brain cell because if these kind of things are at the start of a relationship then it aint going to get any better, even if you get the visa and the baby!! In fact its guaranteed to get worse.
-------------------- If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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