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My daughter's new Egyptian mother-in-law is very critical of the way my daughter cleans, cooks etc. Even though Royayya has been taught all these things in America (by me), her mil says she needs to teach her to do everything her way. Should Royayya just say yes maam and do it the mil's (Egyptian) way or stand up for herself and do it her (American) way?
Posts: 66 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2009
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Thats up to your daughter and in her case her husband also. Egy MILs seem convinced that all westerners have servants so cant possibly know how to cook and clean properly. If your daughter is living in their house she will have to learn to do it MILs way im afraid, even if they get their own place MIL could be round checking she is looking after her prescious son properly.
-------------------- If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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While she is living in her MIL's house she will have to do it her MIL's way. She won't win any favours by going against her and lets face it its only cooking and cleaning so what does it really matter in the grand scheme of things.
She wanted to experience life in another culture so this is where it begins. Posts: 3809 | From: Paradise | Registered: Mar 2003
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well sashy she was just a kid with a fantasy of her eastern knight on a white horse, reality is its an Egyptian with a donkey and a mum
-------------------- If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Ayisha: well sashy she was just a kid with a fantasy of her eastern knight on a white horse, reality is its an Egyptian with a donkey and a mum
Correct.Now there's no more knights on white horses,not even camels,only an ordinary Egyptian with a donkey and a mum Posts: 3833 | From: here,there,everywhere | Registered: Nov 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Penny: While she is living in her MIL's house she will have to do it her MIL's way. - - - She wanted to experience life in another culture so this is where it begins.
I have to agree as stupid as this sounds to me. But this is Egypt and unfortunately things seem to go this way too often.
I mean really, what does it matter how the cleaning is done (especially when the Egyptian way is not THE best) or how you cook if the food is good and fine and everyone enjoys it. (meaning why shouldn't royyaaya do it her own way)
But I know mentioning this to this particular MIL wouldn't do any good, it would probably just piss her off. To me it seems she doesn't like royaayya. I've often thought and asked this from Egyptian people that is an average MIL like this. I hear NO they are not, they are actually very sweet women who allow adult people to do things their way if it's not harming anyone.
Good luck to royaayya I hope my feeling is not right but I think she's going to have some rough times here.
And seriously, where goes the limit - I see some people do not see any harm spraying insecticides around kitchen (even tables) - even if my MIL would kill me for not doing that I would NOT spray (of course she wouldn't do that and there is a reason I like privacy of my own home)! I just actually wrote to my blog that many Egyptians sure do have weird cleaning habits which could be classed a bit dangerous too. Where I live - no thank you.
Cultural differences Posts: 758 | From: Finland | Registered: Jun 2006
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i think learnin new things should be fine. but in yr daughters own home she should do things that makes her comfortable not what her mil thinks.her husband should stand up for her no matter what..
-------------------- your ass is so tight when you fart only a dog can hear it.when you queef only a cat can hear that one. Posts: 9776 | From: You like If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood. | Registered: Jul 2007
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Tell her to buck up and learn to tow the line. If it's not the mother-in-law criticizing the way she cooks and cleans, it will be her husband.
The chances are good mom's devoted her entire life to domestic chores, thus her way is the best way and probably the same way her mother did took care of her hoome.
Because that's the way mom does it, her husband will believe that's the best way to do it.
Of course she can do what she wants however she wants when nobody's looking.
That's what I do.
Posts: 758 | From: Here. There. Everywhere. | Registered: Mar 2008
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quote:Originally posted by stayingput: Tell her to buck up and learn to tow the line. If it's not the mother-in-law criticizing the way she cooks and cleans, it will be her husband.
The chances are good mom's devoted her entire life to domestic chores, thus her way is the best way and probably the same way her mother did took care of her hoome.
Because that's the way mom does it, her husband will believe that's the best way to do it.
Of course she can do what she wants however she wants when nobody's looking.
That's what I do.
That is exactly what I told her! The sooner they can get a place of their own, the better.
Posts: 66 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2009
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I'd tell her to f**k off but that's me Posts: 3945 | From: ' Res Contr ' Amor non es guirens, lai on sos poders s'atura | Registered: Dec 2007
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What can i say ? i says it how i sees it Posts: 3945 | From: ' Res Contr ' Amor non es guirens, lai on sos poders s'atura | Registered: Dec 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Egyptmom: The sooner they can get a place of their own, the better.
And then the question is, when it will be, sooner OR later. I know someone who is still living with her in-laws, and other people coming and going as it is a traditional family she's married into. You know, door open all the time, I think. But then again, she has nice MIL and other members of the family but I think any westerner can have a clue what it is living in a small house full of Egyptian lively people. No privacy, well, you can imagine the problems! For her it's been now about 7 years.
Something can happen that it's not possible to move out from MIL's house. I remember he was studying - what if he can't get a good job to rent (or buy) a house/apartment? Is she ready to live there years and years?
Posts: 758 | From: Finland | Registered: Jun 2006
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Egyptmom, it really saddens me to hear that your way too young daughter moved to Egypt and got married after all. I know I have told you this already several times before but please, please beg her to prevent a pregnancy for the first few years until she's matured more and knows better what she wants. Please continue to post any kind of questions on this forum and also ask your daughter to not feel shy to do the same. Although I personally don't agree with her choice we are here for her and possibly can help if she's ever in need or simply just wants to socialize a little (I am sure some of the local members would also like to meet up with her in person).
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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Well, this could happen if you were living with an in-law in your own country. Some mother in laws are very over bearing and have trouble leaving their sons to another woman. Chance are that no matter how your daughter did things it would be wrong.
I think she should use some reverse psychology and actually ask her mother in law to teach her because she loves the way she does things Then maybe the mum in law will feel she has a role to play, she might be feeling redundant
-------------------- IMO Posts: 431 | From: England | Registered: Dec 2008
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The girl is 18, isn't it? So perhaps it is possible that she doesn't know how to cook and clean? She can't be a expierenced housewife at that age... Anyway, it's all part of the deal she has choosed to make. Mils, fils, sils, bils, cousins, aunts, uncles, name it and she has to deal with them too. The shops that don't sell the stuff she wants to buy, the heat, the dust, the healthcare, the traffic, the staring people, all of these, she is going to have to deal with that too. Nobody promised her an easy life... She wanted it, so now she has to deal with it...Don't forget that. She has made a choice, she was old enough to make that decision, now she has to deal with the consequences. It's her own responsebility. So, don't make the mistake to play the mother who arranges it all from a distance! Let her face the facts, get expierences, and keep an eye on how she manages it...
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Questionmarks: The girl is 18, isn't it? So perhaps it is possible that she doesn't know how to cook and clean? She can't be a expierenced housewife at that age...
Perhaps that is so. But IMO it's not about experience it's about love for cooking/baking - or cleaning (who's that crazy ) I knew how to cook/bake in my early teens because I like it. As I see it, a person who's not really interested in cooking...well you can teach her (or him!) skill of cooking till the day you die but she's not going to possibly get it.
And don't know how to clean My wild guess is that this young girl knows how to clean, about (Egyptian) MILs I'm not so sure.
Also what little I have experienced and been told Egyptians are not generally keen cookers or bakers, they do know their basic and obviously Egyptian stuff but everything else then... I can cook anything, I love baking and nowadays I only do very basic stuff and still the things I do are something sooo fancy to Egyptians. Like bread; "oooh how can you do this, it is very difficult to make nice bread". No it's not. (not talking about Egyptian flat bread)
Tinker said this could happen with MILs of other nationality as well. Yes it can but in western countries (or at least Finland) it is much more easier and accepted to say NO if you do not like something she does. Or tell directly to your husband that I do not like what your mother is doing, please do something to it. Polite or not but that's how it is. You can even cut communication, not polite at all (unless MIL is really unreasonable human being), but that's what you can do.
Different worlds, can't really compare.
Posts: 758 | From: Finland | Registered: Jun 2006
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If she's living in the MIL's house then she should not really challenge the MIL. However, that sets a dangerous precedent of allowing the MIL to control things. Give her an inch and she will take a mile. A good compromise might be to allow Roqayya to have her own space to clean the way she likes - such as her own bedroom. She can do things in the kitchen and bathroom the MIL's way, but in her own room, she can tell her MIL that is her space and she will take care of it on her own without any help or advice. But once they move out and get their own place then she can do things her own way and remind the MIL that it is her home after all.
Posts: 1626 | From: whatever, wherever | Registered: Jul 2008
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quote:Originally posted by *Tinker*: Well, this could happen if you were living with an in-law in your own country. Some mother in laws are very over bearing and have trouble leaving their sons to another woman. Chance are that no matter how your daughter did things it would be wrong.
I think she should use some reverse psychology and actually ask her mother in law to teach her because she loves the way she does things Then maybe the mum in law will feel she has a role to play, she might be feeling redundant
That is PERFECT!
Posts: 525 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2005
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Sounds like Roqayya's first reality check!! Egyptmom..... please just make sure she can get back to you if she wants to..... I've got a feeling it may be sooner that you anticipated!
Posts: 4238 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2004
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she shouldn't change!!.... maybe humor the mil and see how she thinks it should be done... but if her way is crap just go back to the good old american way!! Her son has married an American and they need to accept the differences. My experience of cleaning in egypt is not using any products.. apart from washing up liquid which was so thin it looked like water. and cooking... fry everything to an inch of its life and don't clean pans..... no wonder i lost weight Posts: 1248 | From: my sex is on fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | Registered: Aug 2008
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Mother in laws i hate them, why do most egyptian woman whose sons have married an english/american or foreigner cause problems? they do it to cause a rift,so maybe the woman gets sick,divorces their son and they get their way and he marry an woman amongst their culuture.
remeber no woman is ever good enough for their sons, i would not compormise, the man knew what and how she was before they married, he is letting his mum control everything, tell her to put her foot down, if she does i bet you she will be on first flight back hom.
Posts: 223 | From: london | Registered: Jul 2009
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In general, Westerners know more about proper sanitation and cleanliness but Egyptians *think* they can do better. I guess she'll have to suck it up while she's there. I doubt she'll ever be good enough for the MIL or the son. Westerners never are.
Posts: 2735 | From: my desk | Registered: Jul 2005
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I did not end up marrying my Egyptian ex but I can say without a doubt that his mom was the most nicest and caring MIL I could have ever wished for. I lived with them both for a couple of months together and I never had any probs with her. She was just happy that I was in the house and helped out here and there. We used to play cards together, she loved that. Sometimes we did have communiations problems because she didn't speak English and my Arabic was limited but a smile said everything. She was truly a fine lady. I miss her.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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OK EgyptMom! Welcome to the real Egypt!! First of all it is completely normal that MIL asks your daughter to do things in her way ,this also happened to my mother ,my grandmother was examining her and checking my mother for every step (my grandmother was my mother's aunt),so this is completely normal for new young marriages. And ,I think there is no harm in learning how to cook Egyptian food ,is it? Just tell her to be very understanding and trying to learn new things. Again no harm I see in that
Posts: 2417 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2009
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People!! why are you so pessimistic?! It is normal in Egypt(it happens with every bride)
Posts: 2417 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2009
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quote:Originally posted by ** Ahmad**: People!! why are you so pessimistic?! It is normal in Egypt(it happens with every bride)
Yes, but it is not normal in the country the bride is from. So they should find a compromise, not expect her to submit to their norms and customs.
Personally, I would never agree to live with a MIL should I happen to marry an Egyptian, or any man for that matter. And I've been living on my own for too long to accept anyone giving me tips on how to run a household.
Posts: 2803 | Registered: Feb 2007
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quote:Originally posted by ** Ahmad**: People!! why are you so pessimistic?! It is normal in Egypt(it happens with every bride)
normal dont mean right. many egy moms have a fear of being redundant so they make big deals out of small deals. this is one. i wold tell that egy mom to stick her sponge where the sun wont shine.
Posts: 62 | Registered: Jun 2009
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Just my 2 cents - when living in another person household they usually rule. One cannot go into another person household and change what is the norm to the head of household regardless of where they live. Best case scenario is to have one's own. Your daughter knew she was going to live with MIL when she married her husband. I believe she had issues with soon to be MIL before she married and I don't think it will get better.
Posts: 319 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2006
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beleive me people if ROqayya showed love and respect ,the MIL will love her so much. But as long the MIL feels roqayya is not responding ,this will not be good
Posts: 2417 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2009
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quote:Originally posted by ** Ahmad**: beleive me people if ROqayya showed love and respect ,the MIL will love her so much. But as long the MIL feels roqayya is not responding ,this will not be good
posted
well since she has moved to her mil's home she must compromise with the mil. she is new there until the mil gets to know her well its gonna be a long hard drive.i am sure once they establish that the wife new wife isnt gonna take away what mom has for the son she will come to terms with being a second to the husband but it will take some time. hell if hes a big mamas boy it may never happen..i know when my son had women here this was my house and i was hard on them cas i am mom. i will always try to get away with what i want. but that last one stood up to me and we became friends.not real friends but ya know. so tell yr daughter do not let her mil get her goat and to stand up to her and never back down .. i do not mean in a bad way. like show her hey i am a part of yr life now so get over it i aint here to take yr son away i am here to be a part of yr family.
-------------------- your ass is so tight when you fart only a dog can hear it.when you queef only a cat can hear that one. Posts: 9776 | From: You like If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood. | Registered: Jul 2007
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Personally, I would adhere to the stage I felt she was being stupid!
I would tow the line but the minute my health or the cleanliness of my living space etc was compromised I would politely show her how I do things. She can deal with this info however she pleases.
Regarding the cooking, I personally have no need to cook so if I have to it is basic, however, I would not object to somebody showing me what food my loved one likes and how he likes it cooked as surely she would be learning for a good reason. See it as education and guidance instead of something to get angry over. Surely this could be bonding time.
If she was still on my back after a bit of lee-way and compromise I too would tell her to feck off as it is a 2 way street... Give and take ladies, give and take
They both love the same guy and women can be such biatches when a new lioness joins the troop Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
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quote:Originally posted by ** Ahmad**: beleive me people if ROqayya showed love and respect ,the MIL will love her so much. But as long the MIL feels roqayya is not responding ,this will not be good
bullcrap you mean as long as the mil feels roqayya is not OBEYING this will not be good.
how do you love a dictatoor? and what kind of person moves in a new daughter in law temporarily and wants her to clean like a servant. ? so much for a hunnymoon! Posts: 62 | Registered: Jun 2009
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quote:Originally posted by Lady Ferret: Personally, I would adhere to the stage I felt she was being stupid!
I would tow the line but the minute my health or the cleanliness of my living space etc was compromised I would politely show her how I do things. She can deal with this info however she pleases.
Regarding the cooking, I personally have no need to cook so if I have to it is basic, however, I would not object to somebody showing me what food my loved one likes and how he likes it cooked as surely she would be learning for a good reason. See it as education and guidance instead of something to get angry over. Surely this could be bonding time.
If she was still on my back after a bit of lee-way and compromise I too would tell her to feck off as it is a 2 way street... Give and take ladies, give and take
They both love the same guy and women can be such biatches when a new lioness joins the troop
now thats what i was trying to say ur so right.. i am the queen of my castle..i know i can not live with other women me and my best friend has tried many many times.. and with 2 queens it just never worked out.i personally could not live with a man and his mama.. i would so need my own appartment/ 99% of the time it just doesnt work.
Posts: 9776 | From: You like If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood. | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by ** Ahmad**: beleive me people if ROqayya showed love and respect ,the MIL will love her so much. But as long the MIL feels roqayya is not responding ,this will not be good
bullcrap you mean as long as teh mil feels roqayya is not OBEYING this will not be good.
how do you love a dictatoor? and what kind of person moves in a new daughter in law temporarily and wants her to clean like a servant. ?
she is not a servant!!
It is all about Diplomacy and being Smart in dealing with people
Posts: 2417 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2009
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posted
where is the husband in this i wonder. expecting his foreign wife to deal with his mom and clean up after the family and cook all day? i guess a hunnymoon in greece is out of the question. diplomacy? give us a break. u people always expect the foreigners to be diplomatic and smart but never urselfs.
Posts: 62 | Registered: Jun 2009
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quote:Originally posted by Pamela in Blue: . diplomacy? give us a break. u people always expect the foreigners to be diplomatic and smart but never urselfs.
what is that!!!!! Posts: 2417 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2009
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quote:Originally posted by ** Ahmad**: People!! why are you so pessimistic?! It is normal in Egypt(it happens with every bride)
normal dont mean right. many egy moms have a fear of being redundant so they make big deals out of small deals. this is one. i wold tell that egy mom to stick her sponge where the sun wont shine.
Normal doesn't mean right... that is such a true statement.
Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
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quote:Originally posted by ** Ahmad**: People!! why are you so pessimistic?! It is normal in Egypt(it happens with every bride)
normal dont mean right. many egy moms have a fear of being redundant so they make big deals out of small deals. this is one. i wold tell that egy mom to stick her sponge where the sun wont shine.
Normal doesn't mean right... that is such a true statement.
yes ! normal does not mean right people face it ! it is the nature in Egypt and probably not going to change
Posts: 2417 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2009
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posted
No, it is the nature of this woman, not all Egyptian women are the same.
You cannot chastise an entire country based on one woman being a little too territorial!
I have seen lots of changes in society, culture, views and expectations over the years, this too will also change as the mums from a different generation filter through.
I find younger Mums are a lot more understanding and compromising.
Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
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