posted
My husband has lived in my country (north European) for 4 years now. At the beginning he was open minded and friendly. Now he has become extremely hostile towards the country and its countrymen. He claims everybody is a racist.
Possible reasons for this, examples: hasn't gotten the best of jobs, but has always had a job with friendly people. hasn't managed to make permanent close friends, but has decided that all have bad mentality and are racists so it is a vicious cycle.
In the beginning he was liberal and willing to accept different ways of thinking of life and the world. He has now turned into a very traditional Middle Eastern Man who curses everything that is different from Egypt!! Can I do anything about this? I think he is really homesick and feeling impotent somehow. He has learnt the language relatively well (but has decided he doesnt want to learn more) and he practices football three evenings per week, has a car, has free time to do what he wants. Has enough money. ?????
Posts: 2184 | Registered: Oct 2005
| IP: Logged |
Does he like his job? Did he give up a better one to come to Europe? Do you earn more than him? I know couples where both are Brits but she earns more, and I know it's daft but it can throw things out of kilter. If he genuinely hates his job, he needs to do something about it. We spend half of our lives at work so if he hates it then that's bound to rub off at home. I'm sure he's homesick too. Can you try to talk to him about it? Get him to open up?
It couldn't just be down to the winter blues, could it? It seems to have been raining here for weeks and it always gets me down. One of my colleagues used to have it so bad you didn't need to look out of his window to see if it was raining - you could tell by the mood he was in.
As for racism, I'd love to say there are none where I am. I used to think it was a small minority - maybe 5/10%. I've had my eyes open now and I'd say it's about 50/50. But when I watch comedians on the TV there is a lot of anti Muslim material. TBH I don't know how they get away with it.
It's got to be beyond hard to up sticks and move to a culture that's alien to you. That's bound to put a huge amount of pressure on the relationship. I often think it would be easier to start out on neutral territory - somewhere where you're both starting over. At least you're on the same page then.
Posts: 1678 | From: New Egypt Forum - http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Dec 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well he doesn't exactly hate his job, he is comfortable with it, knows it very well but he is fed up. The salary is not that good either. I fear that he had the common fantasy of coming to Europe and becoming a zillionaire in no time without realizing the cost of living here with 2 children. There was a financial melt down here 3 years ago so jobs are hard to find, let alone for a foreigner with an exotic appearance and limited language knowledge. He feels all obstacles are due to racism which I think is ridiculous but he tells me that I cannot see it because I don't experience it being white and being of this country. So I am blind to it according to him. He feels also so terribly disappointed with the religiousity or lack thereof of my country. Being Coptic he thought that he was going to a Christian country and he would feel at ease. But he feels people are unethical and have bad values and are far from God in all sense. The weather of course has a huge impact on him, it is dark and cold here so of course his mood is in someways understandable. He is also showing a lot of hostility towards my family and saying that I don't really have any because the relationship is totally different from his family pattern. First of all my family is smaller, large portion of it lives actually in another country, and outside my mother and sister we meet my cousins and uncles/aunts only on holidays and birthday parties. He thinks that is all so fake and not a true family at all.
Posts: 2184 | Registered: Oct 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Did he study your country before moving there?
He sounds like some of the women In Egypt who moan that life in Egypt isn't the exoctic dream they had in mind.
Was he really expecting a pot of gold at the end of the Western rainbow? Darkness, severe coldness, lack of jobs, lack of open religious antics... family life not being as close nit as it is here as not all the family live in the same building....
Really, I would ask him to put the race card away and instead of focusing on all that is wrong the place he lives in and ask him what he likes about and try to build on it.
Homesickness is not an illness and if it was there is a damn easy cure.
Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
It sounds like he's a glass half empty kind of person. Was he ever ecstatically happy when he was in Egypt? Maybe he's just naturally a discontented sort of person? Plenty of those around.
He needs to stop feeling sorry for himself and thank God, since he's religious, for all his blessings.
Most Egyptians in Egypt curse everything Egyptian by the way! It's a national hobby, though they don't like outsiders doing it so much. Jobs are scarce, life is expensive, education and health care are worthless unless you have loads of money. He must have family members who are struggling.
Posts: 1039 | From: Cairo | Registered: Sep 2002
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by citizen: It sounds like he's a glass half empty kind of person. Was he ever ecstatically happy when he was in Egypt? Maybe he's just naturally a discontented sort of person? Plenty of those around.
He needs to stop feeling sorry for himself and thank God, since he's religious, for all his blessings.
Most Egyptians in Egypt curse everything Egyptian by the way! It's a national hobby, though they don't like outsiders doing it so much. Jobs are scarce, life is expensive, education and health care are worthless unless you have loads of money. He must have family members who are struggling.
Didn't you move to Egypt and then get married raise children with your Egyptian hubby in Egypt?
My ex husband did travel outside of Egypt to Europe several times before making his migration to USA on his own visa before even meeting me.
Yes it was hell the entire time we were married, he had plenty to bitch about, and mind you I was put through hell myself.
Yes racism exists, but USA is far more open-minded towards foreigners and other faiths than most of Europe; a fact my ex appreciates whole-heartedly. He turned down a couple of student visas to Europe before migrating to America.
I knew when we got married it was going to be hell dealing with the knee-jerk reaction to 9/11. I actually was far more vocal and angry, vindictive about the racism both of us suffered.
Now my ex calms me down when someone treats him poorly.
This year on the anniversary of 9-11 I didn't get a response from him after several phone calls; so I went down to his work and waited for him to finish a task on the opposite end of the corporate campus I didn't have access to. I broke down in sobs I was so scared something happened to him. He actually was proud I was so concerned, but annoyed I made him look like an ass for taking so long to get lobby.
Despite the fact my ex is an very tall strong and physically imposing man who has had hand to hand combat training; I still worry every day about him.
We've been divorced for 4 years, it takes him 5 months to tell me about some belligerant jerk walks up to him and calls him "Osama bin Ladin". He knows I will react, and hunt the bastard down! Makes his mom proud of me, she feels safe for him knowing I am in his corner.
Yes there is racism, probably more than several times over what is here in the USA in anthropos' culture. But I prefer to acknowledge how difficult it is to be a first generation immigrant, let alone an immigrant from a culture that is heavily persecuted in the west.
Posts: 2280 | Registered: Oct 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
You know, Anthropos, I think you're a nice, intelligent woman, and I like you. But every time I read your posts about your husband I can't help feeling irritated.
Ever since you first met your husband years ago, you have been on here complaining about him. To me and probably to many others on here who are familiar with Egyptian culture and Egyptian men it has been obvious from what you wrote that he's a selfish, ignorant, immature dude who will never change. And we told you so in no uncertain terms.
I hate saying "I told you so", but nothing you write about him surprises me in any way. What surprises me though is that you still come on here whining and expecting people to give you advice. You have gotten plenty of advice over the years, you've never taken it.
You keep staying with him, you tolerate him hitting / pushing you, you do most of the housework despite the fact that you work full-time, you put up with bad / boring sex, you put up with his constant complaints and negativity and so on and so forth. I can't for the life of me comprehend why you keep tolerating this BS and don't kick him out. Because he will never change, and your life will not improve as long as he is around. I am sure deep down you know this, but you're obviously suffering from a deep lack of self-confidence and keep trying to delude yourself that at some point in the distant future things will magically get better. Nobody on here can help you with this in any way, only you yourself can. You need to quit the victim pose and take control of your life again. However, I sadly doubt this will ever be happening
Posts: 2803 | Registered: Feb 2007
| IP: Logged |
Now we did not move to Egypt, in fact I haven't been to Egypt since 2006 and my children still haven't visited.
It is very seldom that racism here is obvious or vocal, nobody would ever walk up to someone and call them names unless they were perhaps drunk.
Still my husband says he feels racism clearly. I appreciate what he says but I know that it is hard to relocate to a new country, it would be also hard for me no matter where. Basically I feel that he misses Egypt more, and yes even though he complains about Egypt and knows it has so many problems, he talks of his country being his country, meaning he is at ease there and is potent. Sometimes I think that my society is too matriarchal for him. Something that provokes his view of women. He has started criticizing working moms now (me being one of them) and saying that it is unnatural for the child to be in kindergarten and away from the home the first 5 years of life.
Posts: 2184 | Registered: Oct 2005
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by *Dalia*: You know, Anthropos, I think you're a nice, intelligent woman, and I like you. But every time I read your posts about your husband I can't help feeling irritated.
Ever since you first met your husband years ago, you have been on here complaining about him. To me and probably to many others on here who are familiar with Egyptian culture and Egyptian men it has been obvious from what you wrote that he's a selfish, ignorant, immature dude who will never change. And we told you so in no uncertain terms.
I hate saying "I told you so", but nothing you write about him surprises me in any way. What surprises me though is that you still come on here whining and expecting people to give you advice. You have gotten plenty of advice over the years, you've never taken it.
You keep staying with him, you tolerate him hitting / pushing you, you do most of the housework despite the fact that you work full-time, you put up with bad / boring sex, you put up with his constant complaints and negativity and so on and so forth. I can't for the life of me comprehend why you keep tolerating this BS and don't kick him out. Because he will never change, and your life will not improve as long as he is around. I am sure deep down you know this, but you're obviously suffering from a deep lack of self-confidence and keep trying to delude yourself that at some point in the distant future things will magically get better. Nobody on here can help you with this in any way, only you yourself can. You need to quit the victim pose and take control of your life again. However, I sadly doubt this will ever be happening
I'm unable to forget her line that he wanted used shoes/clothes for their children. Posts: 3833 | From: here,there,everywhere | Registered: Nov 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
What I have seen work amongst the Egyptians who've moved abroead and got disenchanted is for them to come back here and visit. I am amazed how, faced with the reality, they rave about their new country to all and sundry, even though I got emails from the wife saying 'Oh dear, I think he hates it here." But as i said [and got beaten for it] on another thread, basically, under all the westernised, liberal-minded citizen of the world stuff, scratch any Egyptian m/f you'll find a conservative, hard core family values etc kinda person. Some just keep it under wraps for longer. We ALL do it, took me maybe 5 years here to stop being so starry eyed, but these days I do hanker for dreary old fashioned Brit values like ... I dunno, honesty, custard tarts, kids of 10 who don't work or beg, wife beaters who are a minority. But when I go back for a visit, I get homesick for Egypt.
Posts: 1399 | From: alexandria | Registered: Jan 2002
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by anthropos: He has started criticizing working moms now (me being one of them) and saying that it is unnatural for the child to be in kindergarten and away from the home the first 5 years of life.
Then tell him you don't share this point of view, and if he feels so strongly about it, he should stay home with his children for the first five years of their lifes.
This is so bloody obvious. The fact that you are bringing in money too (even more than him, if I'm not mistaken) obviously makes him feel less *like a man*. So he's trying to send you on a guilt trip, make you feel not sufficient in some way. I hope you're not going to buy into this crap.
Posts: 2803 | Registered: Feb 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
How does he feel about the zillion Kindergardens in Egypt? Where both parents actively drop, and pick up their children as a team so that they can provide a dual income to enhnace the quality of life for their children.
Surely it is better for both parents to be working and the children be in an environment which socialises them and prepares them for school than to be kept hidden away from the real world or worse still, be cooped up with an uneducated maid.
His attitude towards you providing for your children sucks and if he were married to me he would have to sleep with one eye open
Tell him to 'man up' .... he sounds like a nightmare to be around tbh. I cannot stand people who moan and do stuff all about things.
Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by anthropos: Hi metinoot,
Now we did not move to Egypt, in fact I haven't been to Egypt since 2006 and my children still haven't visited.
It is very seldom that racism here is obvious or vocal, nobody would ever walk up to someone and call them names unless they were perhaps drunk.
Still my husband says he feels racism clearly. I appreciate what he says but I know that it is hard to relocate to a new country, it would be also hard for me no matter where. Basically I feel that he misses Egypt more, and yes even though he complains about Egypt and knows it has so many problems, he talks of his country being his country, meaning he is at ease there and is potent. Sometimes I think that my society is too matriarchal for him. Something that provokes his view of women. He has started criticizing working moms now (me being one of them) and saying that it is unnatural for the child to be in kindergarten and away from the home the first 5 years of life.
I don't know whats wrong with you but I was replying to "citizen", not you.
Your situation I take a more loathing stance than Dalia. "I told you so" is the tip of the iceberg with you; and I've stated before you should leave him.
Seriously I don't care about your situation, you chose it and thats your own fault for staying in the marriage.
Posts: 2280 | Registered: Oct 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
It does sound like he has issues. He must have realised coming to your country was not going to be the the land of milk and honey and the weather was going to be miserable! He is blessed with a wife and two children. A wife who works full time and does the majority of the housework and childcare! He goes out to play football 3 times a week. I would take a guess that you don't get out to socialise 3 times a week, whether it is for a coffee or visiting friends! I have a friend who's hubby is not progressing in his job and she reckons it's because of racism when realistically it is probably because he is not getting on with his manager! You don't sound happy in your marriage and it sounds like he is the one causing it so I think you need to sit down and talk things through. I can understand he is maybe homesick but taking it out on you is not fair Posts: 4476 | From: Scotland | Registered: Mar 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'll share a man's perspective. And that is I agree with Metinoot and Dalia. I believe something is amiss. I dunno what it is but if I had to guess I would say love is missing. Her husband could also be a weak minded man. I say that because:
1.)He is married and has children and no matter what happens out in the rest of the world. His primary goal is to make the family happy because that should make him happy. No matter how ugly he perceives it out there he should do everything possible to channel positive vibes inwards towards the home.
This dude is thinking . me, myself and I. That is definitely not cool. I am of the belief that a wife is a man's world and vice versa. Seriously even when it is ugly out there, and even when you don't have much, a mattress and intimacy with your spouse is worth everything in this world and then some. This is my opinion and others might see something else that preciious, so again this is my opinion.
Don't have much experience with kids as I don't have any, but you have to kind of feel sorry for them, if their own dad feels the way the OP describes.
There are migrants all over the world that would work and do anything and live outside their home nations for a decade or so in order to feed their family. This is one dissatisfied, miserable human being, who is taking his family down with him.
Posts: 2275 | Registered: Dec 2009
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Exiiled: I'll share a man's perspective. And that is I agree with Metinoot and Dalia. I believe something is amiss. I dunno what it is but if I had to guess I would say love is missing. Her husband could also be a weak minded man. I say that because:
1.)He is married and has children and no matter what happens out in the rest of the world. His primary goal is to make the family happy because that should make him happy. No matter how ugly he perceives it out there he should do everything possible to channel positive vibes inwards towards the home.
This dude is thinking . me, myself and I. That is definitely not cool. I am of the belief that a wife is a man's world and vice versa. Seriously even when it is ugly out there, and even when you don't have much, a mattress and intimacy with your spouse is worth everything in this world and then some. This is my opinion and others might see something else that preciious, so again this is my opinion.
Don't have much experience with kids as I don't have any, but you have to kind of feel sorry for them, if their own dad feels the way the OP describes.
There are migrants all over the world that would work and do anything and live outside their home nations for a decade or so in order to feed their family. This is one dissatisfied, miserable human being, who is taking his family down with him.
"...This is one dissatisfied, miserable human being, who is taking his family down with him. "
Besides Dalia,you said it exactly how it is,Exiled.Those of us on ES from some years ago have read Anthropos infinite threads and posts whining her way thru her troubled marriage.Has been told thrillion recomendations about what she could do,but in the end she's the only one that can take a decision.We've read it all,yet all remains the same. Anyway,total happiness is not a permanent state of being,but only moments. Enough with the endless whining if after all this years you're still with him. Posts: 3833 | From: here,there,everywhere | Registered: Nov 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
And as a foreigner living abroad I would actually have to state yes, it does get easier. You learn the language more, you immerse more, job opps get bigger and better due to experience and word of mouth. You find associates who turn into really good friends for life... I am never homesick but I do miss people and things but they are not worth making mine and everyone elses life a misery. Crack on and enjoy life for all that you have not all that you want!
Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
I feel happy for all of you who have such a nice black and white life where there are no complications and there are never any issues. Enjoy.
Posts: 2184 | Registered: Oct 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Anthropos, I am not saying life is black and white, I am saying folk should learn to appreciate the grey and make the most of it.
Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
My life is far from being free of complications. But I do take responsibility for the things that go wrong due to my own neglect / miscalculation / inability / whatever instead of just complaining and then going on as before.
Having a good rant now and then fine. Spending years and years pretending that things "just happen" and whining that it's none of my fault delusion.
And my life would be too precious for me to spend it attached to some selfish loser who is doing nothing but making me feel miserable. Posts: 2803 | Registered: Feb 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
My life is the opposite, my life is uncomplicated without any issues. But this didn't happen over night, I had to walk down a few rocky roads to get here but ultimately I ditched the ones holding me back. Sure I got gripes like others but they are hardly big issues to lose sleep over... sure my family get on my nerves, ]or work can be a bain for e.g. But hey, I have a good family and a good job at the end of the day.
Dalia is so right in saying life is precious... we are all responsible for ourselves at the end of the day and personally, if something isn't right for me then frankly it is just wrong and needs to be changed.
Happiness can be a permanent emotion as opposed to a momentary one if you allow it to be.
Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
The point is that life is generally a struggle as is, who needs the added BS coming from within. Isn't it normal that caring partners tackle the world together instead of bringing one another down? Every couple faces obstacles, every relationship faces hardships at one point or another. Together a couple can tackle anything that is possible that is tackle-able. Your posts condemned your husband and he seems like a man who doesn't give 2 cents for his family. That is how you portrayed him, and other members here pointed out that it has been like that for years, including abuse, including other BS. That is not a healthy relationship. That is a damned one.
Dead serious when I read your posts, I think what is wrong with this lady, is she afraid that she will be alone for the rest of her life?! If so, so what it is better than the BS you endure now?
Fix it or move on. Many people are happy, but what chance do people have to be happy if they have a miserable being living under their roof.
***Disclaimer***
All of this is my opinion. Merely my replies, I don't know how you actually are. I just read your posts and reply accordingly. Just an opinion and nothing more. And certainly not a marriage counselor.
Posts: 2275 | Registered: Dec 2009
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by *Dalia*: My life is far from being free of complications. But I do take responsibility for the things that go wrong due to my own neglect / miscalculation / inability / whatever instead of just complaining and then going on as before.
Having a good rant now and then fine. Spending years and years pretending that things "just happen" and whining that it's none of my fault delusion.
And my life would be too precious for me to spend it attached to some selfish loser who is doing nothing but making me feel miserable.
Lemme take a ride in here with you totally concurring Posts: 3833 | From: here,there,everywhere | Registered: Nov 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
Being an a$$ doesn't mean he doesn't love her. You show me one person who claims not to have taken their SO for granted at some point or other in their life and I'll show you a liar. Nobody is perfect and this story has two sides - this guy will have his own version. No one is 100% angel or demon. Personally I don't agree with divorce unless it's in the direst circumstances, an abusive partner or what have you. I don't know much about this story but that isn't what she's complaining of today. She's complaining of him being a grumbly bugger and that for me isn't grounds for divorce.
Other than that, I agree with what everyone else has said. If there is a problem it needs to be fixed. Some kind of action. Some kind of change. Otherwise things stay exactly as they are. You at least need to talk to him about it.
Posts: 1678 | From: New Egypt Forum - http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Dec 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
I don't actually agree with marriage unless it is in the direst of circumstances Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
Exactly. You know I'm with you on that Posts: 1678 | From: New Egypt Forum - http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Dec 2009
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by anthropos: I feel happy for all of you who have such a nice black and white life where there are no complications and there are never any issues. Enjoy.
Anthropos I don't really know what you want people to say. Nobody came on offering unsolicited advice or opinions. They responded to information you gave out regarding your hubby. I don't know you're situation only what you post here and maybe ES is where you vent your frustrations regarding your hubby and the rest of the time everything is hunky dorey Nobody's life is black and white and problem free but as has been said on here it is how you deal with issues that matters.
Posts: 4476 | From: Scotland | Registered: Mar 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Having been married to two Arab's one Syrian and one Egyptian my opinion is that like wine they don't travel well. When I married my second Arab after the first died I was convinced we should live in his country not mine. My Syrian had been unable to get good jobs, it was more economic sense for me to work and he stay at home but it made him soooooooooooo unhappy. I often wonder if he would have died if he had never left Syria. 4 years is a good time to give a country, he obviously does not like it. Move back to Egypt
-------------------- Jane Akshar UK Co-owner of www.flatsinluxor.co.uk Appartments and Tours in Luxor Posts: 2791 | From: www.flatsinluxor.co.uk, Luxor, Egypt | Registered: Jan 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Personality issue ?? Someone who plays football 3 days a week sounds like a sociable and outgoing sportsman, he can't be playing against the wall, I'm sure the man mingles with some sort of peer.
Financial issue?? It all depends on how much money he earns, from what you say, it looks like he's doing fairly well.. so there you are, he's not draining out your income like most cases with similar circumstances.
The problem is in the emotional issue,(family life) most probably he needs a break fom this routine life, as some Middle Eastern males cannot withstand a long duration (4 yrs.) without family and friends, specially in a cold dark northern european country.
He cannot be blamed for anything before he tells his version of the story..Sorry for being so blunt. Posts: 3219 | From: Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. | Registered: Nov 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Ok ok of course there are two sides to every story and I know I whine about him. I use ES to whine about him. I am just trying to find some kind of platform to understand his behaviour and seeing that I don't know any other Egyptians here, this is the next best thing.
He has been many times to Egypt during these 4 years and some often long time. So he has had his visits to Egypt and seen his family.
I feel that despite being relatively outgoing he prefers being alone or at least he only wants to do things that he likes.
I do want to change my position and I have so often seriously thought about divorce and even talked to him about it, because from what I see he cant be happy either.
He just doesn't want to talk about it seriously, I suggest a trial separation, that he rents a room close by so that the relationship with the children stay good, but he doesn't do anything about it.
Friends and family advise to kick him out and just call a lawyer and so on but tbh I don't have the energy or I don't know how to do it, I feel at loss for a solution out of this situation. Maybe it is because I work 42 hours per week, take care of 2 young children and have literally no energy for anything else. Sometimes I feel I don't have energy to take even a shower, so you see how I have put myself at the back in all priority lists. I don't have a lot of confidence, never had, but I was OK before I met my husband, now he has crushed it all.
Posts: 2184 | Registered: Oct 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Anthropos I do feel for you in your situation. As someone who lived in another country and experienced homesickness and now having my husband live in my home country I can empathise.
My husband had already been living outside of Egypt for three years and in three different countries for his job by the time we met. I had been living in the UAE for a matter of months when I met him and during the first year I would often get homesick to the point where I would sometimes cry. I used to get a bit frustrated at the way things were done sometimes and would point out how certain things were faster/easier/simpler in the UK. Sometimes I just wanted to moan. I think it's natural that everyone makes comparisons between their home country and host country. Most people wil get over this in a matter of time. For me it took one year then I was over the homesickness. What triggered it for me was a visit back to the UK when I realised I wasn't really missing much! Some people are just moaners by nature and will always find something to complain about regardless
Maybe what would help is if you took a trip to Egypt to see his parents? It must be hard for him if his family didn't see your kids?Does he speak to his family regularly on SKYPE? How long since he saw them in person?? Whenever we visit Egypt it'a so nice to see everyone but my husband is always more determined that he can no longer life there because he knows we would have a hard life. Salaries are very poor for many Egyptians. He is used to having a high standard of livng and would have to drastically reduce that if we went to Egypt. He talked me out of living there for a year when our daughter was born. We have a house there but if we lived there full time it would be a struggle to pay the mortgage on our house plus schooling is very expensive and all the other expenses that you would need like buying a car etc. I got a taste of what life would be like there full time on our last visit and we were spending literally hours stuck in traffic choking on petrol fumes while we were trying to get from A to B. Maybe if you can all go for a visit it it will help to remind him that daily life can be hard for many Egyptians unless they have money. (all the money in the world can't do nothing about the traffic problems in cairo unless you buy yourself a helicopter)
Of course it's his country and Egypt has many good points but I am sure your husband can have a less stressful life living in your country and is better able to support his family. You mentioned he has free time and plays football three nights per week? Maybe he can use some of that time to study for a qualification that will help him to get a better paying job? My husband has lived in the UK since June and he was fortunate to walk into a really good job but there was an element of right place right time but he is currently working towards getting himself chartered and is looking at doing his Masters here as well. All because he wants to be able to earn more salary than he is at present so that we can live a really good life here and give our daughter the best education we can afford.
Posts: 500 | From: United Arab Emirates | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
That's a sad situation indeed, but hey ! Look at the bright side, he gave you two wonderful kids to live for..if he's not up to your expectations then let him figure out a solution to 'his own' problem of not being part of the joy in this family, go on with what you need to do to maintain a healthy life around your kids...as long as you're doing your part right, you shouldn't worry about him too much, this will make you despise his presence more. Kids are a priority in my opinion.
Posts: 3219 | From: Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. | Registered: Nov 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
You know, Anthropos, there are a lot of women who are a bit more decisive and indeed take the decision to go to a lawyer and ask for a divorce. Later they notice that they have exchanged problems for other problems. If you don't feel well about your life as it is now, you also have to realise is that sending your husband away won't solve your problem. You will still feel alone and exhausted...
-------------------- Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there. Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
You could do it. If you truly feel this way, you could kick him out. I don't know the laws in your country (I know where you are from btw you mentioned it before) but it is a democratic country with laws, unless I am mistaken.
Kick him out, so you can breathe and from that advantage point deal with him accordingly. Don't let things overwhelm you. Look past today and past this month and the next. You have friends and relatives, well this is the time to ask for their help, such as looking after your kids while you deal with this matter.
Your only excuses now are : 1- you don't have energy 2- you don't know how do it. You can address these two problems by preparing yourself and by educating yourself. Visit the local police station, visit social services, become proactive! Surely you can't be the only woman facing this predicament. You simply have to be strong until he is removed from your home. Then you can breathe freely, regroup and do things on your own terms.
If your husband does not want to talk, fine, show him how it can be done. If you truly feel you are wronged, then get serious. That'll get his attention.
BTW: trial seperation sounded real good, and also In wrote this while a little bit tipsy, buy you know what .. i make the most sense when I'm little bit tipsy Just be strong for 30 straight from the day you kick it off. K. Be strong and workout physically too, pump yourself up both physically and mentally. K!
Posts: 2275 | Registered: Dec 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
Anthropos, it's not good for you to live with someone who crushes your confidence like that. Have you tried to discuss this with him? Discuss the confidence issues, your exhaustion, the tension between you. You both need to decide what you really want. Do you want a future together? Discuss if you want to make the marriage work, or if you'd each be happier alone. Then take steps accordingly.
He seems to be very critical of you, your family, your society which is not fair as he made a free choice. He's also very uninformed of the realities of life in Egypt, the vast majority of women work, though this is not reflected in national statistics. There are many dysfunctional families (as anywhere) who live miserable lives fighting each other, and don't get me started on religion!
Ask him to think of some solutions to his problems... or stop moaning.
Posts: 1039 | From: Cairo | Registered: Sep 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
Anthropos, its been a very long time since i have posted here but this thread seemed like something worth posting on. I havent caught all of your posts of what has gone on with your marriage so i cant advise on that. From just this post it seems that your husband is very unhappy living outside of egypt and if he is not happy after 4 years of this then he will never be happy outside of egypt. Your option is to consider moving to egypt and living there.. or send him back alone. Before people jump all over me i am not just speaking without being in the situation myself. When you live with someone and its obvious they are not happy and nothing you do makes them happy other than becoming someone that you are not, its time for them to go back to where they were happy. I am currently in this situation, and in the process of sending him back to where he seems to be happiest due to some of the things said to me and done to me. IF HE IS HITTING YOU, SHOVING YOU, YELLING AT YOU, CALLING YOU NAMES, PUTTING YOU DOWN, INSISTING YOU DO THINGS THAT ARE AGAINST THE TYPE OF PERSON YOU ARE.. and ANY of this is occuring in front of your kids... its time for him to go.. even if its not in front of the kids, but your kids deserve more than that and so do you... if this is the case.
posted
u know i see everyone downing this man her HUSBAND so what he is not happy he CHOSE TO BE IN ENGLAND right.we can say leave him send him back but in all fact its not that easy when its u that has the decisions to make.sending him home will only fuel the issue cas u will still be married and u will still love him. there has to be some kind of support group that he can attend before ur in the process of making him wanna leave.dont they have more egyptians where u live he can talk to?
-------------------- your ass is so tight when you fart only a dog can hear it.when you queef only a cat can hear that one. Posts: 9776 | From: You like If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood. | Registered: Jul 2007
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by tina kamal: u know i see everyone downing this man her HUSBAND so what he is not happy he CHOSE TO BE IN ENGLAND right.we can say leave him send him back but in all fact its not that easy when its u that has the decisions to make.sending him home will only fuel the issue cas u will still be married and u will still love him. there has to be some kind of support group that he can attend before ur in the process of making him wanna leave.dont they have more egyptians where u live he can talk to?
anthropose is not in England. I am quite convinced she's in Denmark, but she refused to affirm which nation. Possibly because it sucks Nazi ass to be a Muslim and live in Denmark.
Posts: 2280 | Registered: Oct 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
anthropos, It wont get better. The longer you stay with him the more he will crush your spirit and if you think this is not affecting your kids, you are wrong.
You are going to have to make your own decisions as to when you have had enough, but I think that you are fortunate to have this medium to talk things out for yourself. What I want you to see is that staying in a situation that is crushing will only weaken you and the weaker you get the harder it is to recover. You will begin to get stronger when he is gone.
Why not suggest that he go visit Egypt for 6 months to get over his homesickness and in that time get your act together. Just don't be fooled into taking him back in the end.
quote:Originally posted by tina kamal: u know i see everyone downing this man her HUSBAND so what he is not happy he CHOSE TO BE IN ENGLAND right.we can say leave him send him back but in all fact its not that easy when its u that has the decisions to make.sending him home will only fuel the issue cas u will still be married and u will still love him. there has to be some kind of support group that he can attend before ur in the process of making him wanna leave.dont they have more egyptians where u live he can talk to?
anthropose is not in England. I am quite convinced she's in Denmark, but she refused to affirm which nation. Possibly because it sucks Nazi ass to be a Muslim and live in Denmark.
Nazi's were Germany sono, it's a different country to Denmark.
Oh and he is Copt, not Muslim. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by tina kamal: u know i see everyone downing this man her HUSBAND so what he is not happy he CHOSE TO BE IN ENGLAND right.we can say leave him send him back but in all fact its not that easy when its u that has the decisions to make.sending him home will only fuel the issue cas u will still be married and u will still love him. there has to be some kind of support group that he can attend before ur in the process of making him wanna leave.dont they have more egyptians where u live he can talk to?
anthropose is not in England. I am quite convinced she's in Denmark, but she refused to affirm which nation. Possibly because it sucks Nazi ass to be a Muslim and live in Denmark.
Nazi's were Germany sono, it's a different country to Denmark.
They don't teach modern history in hobbit school do they.
Nazis were all over mainland Europe, UK was about the only place the Nazi's didn't manage to invade.
Besides I wasn't referring to WW2, I was referring to the hellish existence for Muslims in Denmark.
Posts: 2280 | Registered: Oct 2009
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by tina kamal: u know i see everyone downing this man her HUSBAND so what he is not happy he CHOSE TO BE IN ENGLAND right.we can say leave him send him back but in all fact its not that easy when its u that has the decisions to make.sending him home will only fuel the issue cas u will still be married and u will still love him. there has to be some kind of support group that he can attend before ur in the process of making him wanna leave.dont they have more egyptians where u live he can talk to?
anthropose is not in England. I am quite convinced she's in Denmark, but she refused to affirm which nation. Possibly because it sucks Nazi ass to be a Muslim and live in Denmark.
Nazi's were Germany sono, it's a different country to Denmark.
They don't teach modern history in hobbit school do they.
Nazis were all over mainland Europe, UK was about the only place the Nazi's didn't manage to invade.
are you serious?
quote:Besides I wasn't referring to WW2, I was referring to the hellish existence for Muslims in Denmark.
he is Copt. If you were'nt referring to WW2 what the hell did you bring Nazi's into it for?
Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Anthropos, it feels when I read your post that I am reading ME years ago.
You are both in a 'rut'. You do not complement each other, and I don't mean 'your hair looks nice' complement. You don't 'fit' each other.
You can get help and end this now OR you can carry on for 21 years like I did, 'for the kids' and after that your kids will say 'why the hell did you stay' as mine did.
It is hard to make the move, but only you can do it. OR accept that you married a miserable oaf of a man and stay so you're both miserable.
I understand posting here is an outlet, but you are only going to get the very same advice each time - leave him.
-------------------- If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by metinoot: They don't teach modern history in hobbit school do they.
WWI and WWII is the only history they do teach at high school level, more's the pity.
Posts: 1678 | From: New Egypt Forum - http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Dec 2009
| IP: Logged |
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic