posted
I have never been the type of person to discuss my personal life with anyone, but I really need advice from other women. I am an American woman married to an Egyptian man for almost two years now. We have the best marriage I could ever imagine, with one exception........... Our sex life... Yes, we both work long hours, and don't really get to spend much time together, but for me, whatever time we do spend together is important, which includes intimacy with my husband. He is always tired. It has been 5 months now since we have been intimate. When I complain about this, he makes me feel like I am wrong. He said, "American women have different ideas on sex".. He tells me that sex is not important.... I am beginning to believe that he may be getting it from someone else!!!! Are there any other American women out there married to an Egyptian man? If so, do you experience the same as me? Is it a cultural thing? I love him very much, but intimacy is very important to me... I am seriously considering divorce...........
Posts: 50 | From: New York City, USA | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
Is your husband Muslim? I'm pretty sure I have read (though I can't find it anywhere online at the moment) that you can't withhold sex from your spouse for any longer than three months at the most.
From what I have read, the prophet Mohammed, peace be upon him, used to encourage married couples in their intimate relations when they had been abstaining.
Maybe you can find some things online and print them out to show your husband.
His reply, "American women have different ideas on sex" is false!
Best of luck to you!
Posts: 1283 | From: Cairo | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
He may not be cheating. He may have a problem with impotence and doesn't want to talk about it. Could you *gently* approach him with this possibility?
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
It is not cultural and not religious, but personal...
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
How old is he? How old are you? If you suspect he is playing away, then look for the signs! Book both of you in for a "routine" medical check which should identify any underlying problem. Book a holiday and get away for a couple of days - Boston is good for a romantic break (mind you, so is NY!). It may just be that he is tired...
-------------------- He who smiles rather than rages is always the stronger. Posts: 161 | From: UK | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Some want it all the time, some want it next to never i would think, same as any place. But this is definitely something you need to sit and ask him about, not complain, but seriously just tell him you need to talk and ask him what is going on and what are the reasons and that this is causing a problem, that you feel unwantedl
quote:Originally posted by Trollin': He may not be cheating. He may have a problem with impotence and doesn't want to talk about it. Could you *gently* approach him with this possibility?
I would go with Trollin' on this one first before assuming he's not interested in you anymore. I'm not sure how you would deal with it, but all sorts of things can affect a man's performance - stress, illness etc. Inability to perform will also add its own stress. I know a very sad case - a former close friend of mine who had always held the view that if a man fancies you enough he can perform. Then her man (not Egyptian) became unable to perform and she assumed he didn't fancy her anymore and dumped the poor man. He turned out to have prostate cancer. If you can't think of any major stresses in his life, do your best to get him to the doctor to check for any physical cause.
Posts: 5593 | From: Egypt | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
I have just read some of your other posts ana uhibbuk to get a bit of background and from the way you write and your topics you seem a very genuine and kind person. Initially my response was sceptical about the relationship, similar to Smuckers, but reading your other posts you dont seem to have had any suspicions of cheating before?
Did you not write recently about waiting for a decision on imigration or something similar? and that he wanted you to marry in a mosque? correct me if i'm wrong on those...
If i'm right, then it doesn't sound negative, maybe he IS tired, busy or unwell and/or stressed. Is he the sort of guy to talk openly about how he feels? could there be something else on his mind?
If I were you I would try to talk to him, sounds simple I know, did you get married in the mosque? how did it go?
Regarding sex, it is very individual as Mystic says, only you know how things were before and whether this change is dramatic, what happened around 5 months ago or has it been gradual?
you dont have to answer any of these questions by the way, i'm just trying to suggest things for you to think about
posted
I think one of the medically-qualified posters used to work in male health issues in Egypt, I've PMd her to see if I've remembered correctly. If so, maybe she can give some advice on how to handle this issue specifically with Egyptian men.
Posts: 5593 | From: Egypt | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
Nobody here can give a advice in cases like this, simply because they are not familiar with the persons themselves and their relationship. Even a qualified therapist will need several appointments to get known all the necesarry details. And because this issue is very personal and has nothing to do with religion or culture, you should discuss this at first with your own doctor, he will refer to a therapist, when needed. Please don`t try to get good advices from people who are not informed enough, no matter how good-willing they are.
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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quote:Originally posted by ?????: Nobody here can give a advice in cases like this, simply because they are not familiar with the persons themselves and their relationship. Even a qualified therapist will need several appointments to get known all the necesarry details. And because this issue is very personal and has nothing to do with religion or culture, you should discuss this at first with your own doctor, he will refer to a therapist, when needed. Please don`t try to get good advices from people who are not informed enough, no matter how good-willing they are.
Yes, ?????, you are right. But the problem is, the first time women encounter an impotent male, they take it very personally and feel very bad about it, assuming - even if subconsciously - that he doesn't find them attractive anymore, that he may be 'getting it elsewhere'. They feel so bad about themselves, that they don't think clearly about how the man might feel about it. There is such an assumption, at least in Western culture, that men are always ready for sex at any opportunity, that if he doesn't want to (- for which maybe he can't but he won't tell you that because its such a dash to his male ego - ) a woman will often assume that its about her and not about him. I think women in this situation need some reassurance from other women (and maybe some men if they would contribute to this thread) that it isn't necessarily about her, and help her to help her man seek proper advice.
Posts: 5593 | From: Egypt | Registered: Dec 2005
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quote:Originally posted by ana uhibbuk: I have never been the type of person to discuss my personal life with anyone, but I really need advice from other women. I am an American woman married to an Egyptian man for almost two years now. We have the best marriage I could ever imagine, with one exception........... Our sex life... Yes, we both work long hours, and don't really get to spend much time together, but for me, whatever time we do spend together is important, which includes intimacy with my husband. He is always tired. It has been 5 months now since we have been intimate. When I complain about this, he makes me feel like I am wrong. He said, "American women have different ideas on sex".. He tells me that sex is not important.... I am beginning to believe that he may be getting it from someone else!!!! Are there any other American women out there married to an Egyptian man? If so, do you experience the same as me? Is it a cultural thing? I love him very much, but intimacy is very important to me... I am seriously considering divorce...........
Hi! I posted about the issue before. Due to my husband's work and location we are not as much sexual active as we used to before and that's he's always tired (btw he's not Egyptian but man is man in this case, right?).
But my husband never told me that sex is not important or other things like that. Some people just have a higher sex drive than others. Also statistics show that intimacies between two spouses decrease during a marriage. He also might experience stress in his new living environment (US), at work and other things could contribute to the fact that his sex drive seems to be so low.
And your case is a little different than mine since you haven't been married for too long. Look you need to let him know that sex is an important part in any marriage. And you want to be also sexually desired by him. You both have to find the golden middle in this without someone gets hurt his or her feelings.
How about you and your husband have a little get-a-way next time, spend quality time somewhere else and rediscover your attraction to each other?
I would not think about divorce for the time-being. You do love him, right? Or did other things happening that your marriage seems questionable to you?
Really there could be more factors involved - not necessarily organical related - why he feels the way right now. You need to communicate to each other in a better way.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
????? is right, you may end up with conflicting advice that might confuse you more or even upset you.
Although, it does give you an opportunity to talk about how you feel, which is a good thing and sometimes we just need a listening ear.
I DO think the most important thing is to talk to your husband, not about sex, but about how he's feeling, suggest some fun things to do together (not sex..lol) intimacy can be about more than sex and this might take the focus and the pressure off him, but I am by no means a marriage or sex counsellor. Try to look at the good things in your relationship and focus on them more
Posts: 644 | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
I am sorry for anyone who has to go through this. Sex is one of the main reasons a man and women need each other. After all you can go to dinner and a movie with anyone.
I hope you don't mind me asking a question on this thread that is related. I have wondered about a man's sex drive when he stays a virgin for so long. After suppressing the desire his whole life will he do the same thing after marriage? I am American and it would be highly unlikely to meet a man or a woman here who are in their 30's and still virgins.
Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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quote:Originally posted by of_gold: I am sorry for anyone who has to go through this. Sex is one of the main reasons a man and women need each other. After all you can go to dinner and a movie with anyone.
I hope you don't mind me asking a question on this thread that is related. I have wondered about a man's sex drive when he stays a virgin for so long. After suppressing the desire his whole life will he do the same thing after marriage? I am American and it would be highly unlikely to meet a man or a woman here who are in their 30's and still virgins.
walid is 32 and he is still a virgin he is proud of that and so am i i dont think bein a virgin all his life can stop him from wanting it!
Posts: 9776 | From: You like If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood. | Registered: Jul 2007
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I am not suggesting that it stops them from wanting it.
I am asking if it is possible that they have become accustom to suppressing desire because they feel that it is wrong.
So after marriage maybe there is some guilt associated with the desire for sex with their wife. So they resort to what they have practiced their whole life, to suppress it.
-------------------- "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) Leap and the Net will Appear. Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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quote: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Originally posted by of_gold: After suppressing the desire his whole life will he do the same thing after marriage? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Originally posted by pseudovellum nope
alhamd lelah Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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posted
from a man point of view, the only two reasons can stop any man from having sex with his wife is first he is not interested in her body anymore. means that she does not make him totaly saticfied. the second reason is that she is having higher performance than him that makes him feel **** if he is not able to make her happy.
in your case i guess you need to renew your sexual atmosphear. u might need to change the place where u have sex , or try and put some candels and music ,or even just go down on him . whatever , but a man specially coming from arab countried easier they are very eager fr sex , and they want it all the time , and the more wild it is , the more happy they are, or they are very shy and it takes time to change them.
posted
If any of you think otherwise you're lying to yourselves. Five months and no sex? Sorry, he's not interested in her anymore, point blank. I would bet my last stash of money on that ~
Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
.. and doing all those 'sexy atmosphere' things if your man is for some reason unable to perform will make him feel a thousand times worse.
Shamr, may you always be able to perform, but believe me there are more than 2 reasons why a man is not able to. What will you do when you are next to a beautiful woman who you so desperately want to make love to, but 'John Thomas' is refusing to 'get up'? The first time it happens to you you will say something like 'oh this has never happened before'... and she will try to be so understanding .. "its ok darling, lets just cuddle." And inside she will be crying because she thinks you don't find her attractive anymore. And you will be scared inside because you will feel your manhood is threatened and you won't know why.
posted
If he does not react to you sexually the way he did before, and he is always late at work and he is always tired, he may have a 'stress' problem an 'affair' problem or a 'not interested in u anymore' problem.
If he says sex is not important to him just remind him of the 'before' he stopped being interested. No sex is a good reason for divorce, but hopefully, it is only a bad time in his life.
Posts: 215 | Registered: May 2007
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quote:Originally posted by oldbag: .. and doing all those 'sexy atmosphere' things if your man is for some reason unable to perform will make him feel a thousand times worse.
Shamr, may you always be able to perform, but believe me there are more than 2 reasons why a man is not able to. What will you do when you are next to a beautiful woman who you so desperately want to make love to, but 'John Thomas' is refusing to 'get up'? The first time it happens to you you will say something like 'oh this has never happened before'... and she will try to be so understanding .. "its ok darling, lets just cuddle." And inside she will be crying because she thinks you don't find her attractive anymore. And you will be scared inside because you will feel your manhood is threatened and you won't know why.
Actually you are totally right . i did not mean that those are the only two reasons. but there are other reason that can effect any man sexual life . but will never last for five month, unless he is serouisly ill. and i believe in every word you said . but if a man is not having sex with his wife that sleeps everynght in his bed , then there is something wrong.
and by the way Mr. ...... sometimes do not work as well. it depence on my mood , how tired i am , and if i just had too much food , or too much drink. but never has it for five month vacation. lol
posted
Ok Shamr, I'm glad you responded. Of course with 5 months there is something wrong - but there are many possible reasons for it, and Ana and her man need to get professional advice.
Posts: 5593 | From: Egypt | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
i am sure she needs to. five months is too long . can not even stand five mnts. hehhe only joking. god bless them both and wish them happy life together with great sexual perfromance.
posted
All this talk about men and sex is making it difficult to keep pure thoughts. Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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quote:Originally posted by ana uhibbuk: I have never been the type of person to discuss my personal life with anyone, but I really need advice from other women. I am an American woman married to an Egyptian man for almost two years now. We have the best marriage I could ever imagine, with one exception........... Our sex life... Yes, we both work long hours, and don't really get to spend much time together, but for me, whatever time we do spend together is important, which includes intimacy with my husband. He is always tired. It has been 5 months now since we have been intimate. When I complain about this, he makes me feel like I am wrong. He said, "American women have different ideas on sex".. He tells me that sex is not important.... I am beginning to believe that he may be getting it from someone else!!!! Are there any other American women out there married to an Egyptian man? If so, do you experience the same as me? Is it a cultural thing? I love him very much, but intimacy is very important to me... I am seriously considering divorce...........
hi i read your post and i decided to write because i can sense your frustration. first of all my advice would be to not be hasty in jumping to conclusions, that he maybe having an affair. you mentioned that you both work long hours, therefore by the time you both go home there is a good chance that all you will want to do is sit down and rest. now there is nothing wrong with that...after all if one is thirsty you drink water. if you are hot you seek shade. likewise if you are tired you rest. for the meantime may i suggest you give your husband the benefit of the doubt and try to not doubt him when he says he is feeling tired. as someone else suggested, it may be that he is impotent? i freely admit that i struggle with maintaining an errection from time to time during sex. unfortunatly it happens and i can assure you that if that happens on a regular basis to a man, it is comparable to loosing his hair. when you have a full healthy head of hair, you dont need to spend time putting on a wig or combing your hair over the bald patch. likewise when a man is heathly in the sense of being able to maintain an errection, that boosts his confidence because he knows that he can always satisfy his wife. but the man that cant is likely to become depressed and tend to avoid getting intimate with his wife because he knows that he has a problem. its embarrassing and humiliating and i can imagine that being a factor in the break up of a otherwise happy marriage. i hope it isnt the case with your husband. it just may be that he needs to rest. perhaps his age may be a factor? in fact it could be anything! but until he comes clean, i think it is better to be long suffering and put up with the current lapse in your sex life with your husband. for what it is worth i wish you and your husband all the very best. and i hope that you both overcome this problem in due course. sincere best wishes
posted
sure it is important hitman but the lady says ; We have the best marriage I could ever imagine ... so that means something too !!
Some couples sometimes take "a break" like when having little crying babies at night (exhausting nights). All you think about then is sleeeep sleeep and sleeep. So also being just "too tired" is possible.
All the best for the couple. Hopefully things will change for the better Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006
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quote:Originally posted by desertgirl: sure it is important hitman but the lady says ; We have the best marriage I could ever imagine ... so that means something too !!
Some couples sometimes take "a break" like when having little crying babies at night (exhausting nights). All you think about then is sleeeep sleeep and sleeep. So also being just "too tired" is possible.
All the best for the couple. Hopefully things will change for the better
good advice desertgirl! it is really amazing what getting a good nights rest can do. who knows? within a few days he may be ok? well i hope he will. it would be sad if their marriage broke up just due to a lapse in their sex life.
Posts: 28 | From: home | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by ana uhibbuk: I have never been the type of person to discuss my personal life with anyone, but I really need advice from other women. I am an American woman married to an Egyptian man for almost two years now. We have the best marriage I could ever imagine, with one exception........... Our sex life... Yes, we both work long hours, and don't really get to spend much time together, but for me, whatever time we do spend together is important, which includes intimacy with my husband. He is always tired. It has been 5 months now since we have been intimate. When I complain about this, he makes me feel like I am wrong. He said, "American women have different ideas on sex".. He tells me that sex is not important.... I am beginning to believe that he may be getting it from someone else!!!! Are there any other American women out there married to an Egyptian man? If so, do you experience the same as me? Is it a cultural thing? I love him very much, but intimacy is very important to me... I am seriously considering divorce...........
Ana, so sorry for your 'predicament'. Few questions: did you have an intense sex life earlier in your marriage? If yes - when did it stop? Was there any event or situation that prompted your husband to feel more 'tired' than usual? Answering those simple questions may shed some light at the real reason of your husband's behavior.
Posts: 2238 | From: Mother Earth | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
Hi Ana, OB PMed me about this thread and I am very busy preparing to leave to the US (wanna meet me? ), but I'll try to give you some tips. I'm not a certified Sexologist but I did receive some training in the field.
In order to find out what's really wrong with your hubby, he has to fully cooperate and be honest. You have to talk to him alone first asking him directly if he can mention the cause, because this situation is NOT normal. Having said that, I have to mention that some couples have periods of "slowing down", for example when a baby arrives or when one of them has a health problem.
It's important to bear in mind that almost half of the women have lower sex drive at some time in their lives, and about 1/3 of the men have the same "problem". It's not really a problem until the person or his partner start to complain, like in your case.
Now let's talk about the possible causes of why hubby is not in the mood.
There are physical, psychological, and environmental causes. Your therapist and family doctor should work together to find out what's wrong, only after your husband will have told you everything, because it would be such a waste of time to send him for a complete medical check up while his only problem is that he can't keep his chiwawa at home.
What your therapist would do, is that s/he will hold the list of potential causes and try to find out which of them is to blame. Maybe you can start some self-therapy investigating the psychological and environmental causes in the list below.
So, the following conditions contribute to lowering the libido:
Physical:
Medical conditions that lower the testosterone levels (several)
Male andropause (happens with older people)
Cardiovascular disease (heart diseases , high cholesterol, high blood pressure)
Parkinson's disease
Endocrine or neurological disorders: several. Like diabetes and hypothyroidism.
Anemia
Arthritis
Chronic pain
Antidepressants
Tranquilizers
Antihypertensive medications
Illegal substances such as heroin, cocaine and marijuana
Too much alcohol consumption
Psychological:
Depression
Stress
Not enough sleep
Sexual orientation conflict or confusion
Anger
Past sexual abuse
Environmental:
Working long hours
Unresolved conflicts in the relationship
A desire to control or punish spouse
A way to have power over spouse
Family worries
Last but not least: Infidelity
------
For now if I were you, I would really try to find out if he's faithful. And when you're really sure, it's time to seek medical help.
I'm sorry I'm very tired and was typing very fast, but I hope it made some sense.
All the best.
Posts: 8756 | From: Tax-Free Zone | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Wow, I am at a loss of words to everyone. You are all so wonderful with your words of support and encouragement. I have been a member here for a long time, and some of the posts I read, become battlegrounds. I know it is so wrong for me to talk about my sex life in generally, but especially wrong to talk about it on a website, but I really really really from my heart thank all of you. It was like getting advice from a best friend. You have opened my eyes to look at the situation from many angles. Sometimes it is best to get an outside opinion, because when you are looking from the outside in, the view is so much different from looking from the inside out. Thank you so much to everyone. I hope to keep my marriage strong, even if it means a non-existent sex life (providing there are legitimate reasons for that)............. Thanks again... God Bless!
Posts: 50 | From: New York City, USA | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
I had to restart my laptop and log-in only to tell you something I forgot to add ya Ana. Some Egyptian men have chronic fatigue symptoms because of either a chronic hepatitis or Bilharzia infection. Please mention this to your doctor if you opt for seeking medical help.
And don't worry, we only fight with stupid people. LOL.
Posts: 8756 | From: Tax-Free Zone | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Wow.. Thanks Old........... I can assure you my husband does not have that disease............ Thank God....... I feel bad for anyone who does.................
Posts: 50 | From: New York City, USA | Registered: Sep 2006
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ana uhibbuk, does ur hubby spend a lot of time outside home? wat about his mood while at home?? is he happy or sad? Have you observed any kind of change ?
Posts: 2728 | From: جمهورية مصر العربية | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
quote:quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bilharzia n Parkinson disease --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ROFL
Yenayyelkom mawwetto il ragel.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- that was funny !
Made me think: If a partner is not sexual for a long time would people prefer that their spouse is 'sick' or unfaithful? I am not sure of my own answer
Posts: 215 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
A man, Egyptian or not, is very interested in sex. If he is a hard worker and a heavy smoker at the same time, most probably his sex drive is so poor. It has to do with rest and the quality of food.
-------------------- Ahmed Eldemellawy Posts: 17 | From: Cairo - London | Registered: Aug 2007
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UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
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Could you *gently* approach him with this possibility?
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.... lol
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I am not sure of my own answer
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