quote:Originally posted by Snidely Whiplash: Bit*h shut up and learn to spell. I said if they put up with it, what the hell do they expect? How the hell do you know what situation I've ever been in you illiterate fistula-brain?!
i hope u was talkin to yr mom and not me cas i aint noones bitch and thats miss bitchh to u if u insist on callin me that word!
Posts: 9776 | From: You like If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood. | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Anthropos: hi everybody.
there are really only two options. accept that he beats me or leave him.
"Accepting to be beaten" is NOT an option.
You seem to be lacking the strength to leave him at this moment in your life. I understand you are holding on to the dream of having a nice little family... but you have to think about yourself. (and your little girl) It doesn't look like you will all of a sudden have a perfect marriage, a perfect surrounding for your girl.
So... try to take a distance in your thoughts and take a distance literally. Stay at your mum's house, a friend's house, etc. Maybe you will realise you are happier without him. Take care.
Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006
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A friend of mine told me when I had my problems with ex, that I wasn't ready to leave and I guess she was right, but as I said before I had no children so it was just me that had to go through it. Your situation is soooooooo different. For your baby's sake, no second, third, fourth chances!
Posts: 4476 | From: Scotland | Registered: Mar 2006
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Yeah Anthropes, your decesion should have been made already. What else are you waiting for?
For a while now i have read your posts and have felt really bad for you and the situation you are in. I suffered post natal depression really bad and even though you have not been diagnosed with this, some of your posts made me feel you were (rightly or wrongly). I always tried to give your hubby the benefit of the doubt because i know how hard it was for my hubby living with me at that time. This however is a WHOLE NEW BALLGAME. He beat you up!! I doubt it very much if this is the first time I can understand that it is hard for you but only YOU can stop this happening to you. Most men do promise not to do these things again your hubby could not even do that so deep down he's not even that bothered.
Get out for your own sanity, men like these will bring you down further until you won't even reconise yourself. I worked with women like you and you totally HAVE to believe that you are worth so much more than being somebodies punchbag.
Members who think like women deserve this if they stay - you must have no idea what it is like and i truly hope you are never in that situation. Posts: 895 | Registered: Sep 2007
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Yes, what will happen if he hits you while you are holding her one day? Would you be able to live with yourself afterwards? Ask yourself this question when in doubt - leave before a tragedy happens. Wife beaters are also child beaters, don't forget.
Posts: 2238 | From: Mother Earth | Registered: Jun 2004
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Oh sweetie don't take any abuse from no one let alone a man! Unless you were abused physically by your parents maybe that is why you hang around but if not what right does he have to abuse you in that manner if your own parents weren't!!!!!!!!! Just don't leave your house cause then the law will say "You Left" and it could be used against you (they don't care regarless if it is your house or not) been there done that, that is why I'm telling you...Be safe with your baby hon and follow your gut feelings please...
Posts: 446 | From: USA | Registered: Dec 2006
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hey apostrofe , can you heard what you say /he cant promise he woudnt do it again? should i accept to be beaten ? you say double yes basicly bit more darling its ok i wont leave you . without sacarstic ,you allowe him to beat you its call DENIAL.
Posts: 38 | From: usa | Registered: Apr 2008
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If it was your life alone and you want to ruin it ,well go ahead. But Look at the example your are setting for your baby *It is Okay to be beaten to the ground* Is that what you want for your child to grow up with no self esteem or self respect?
As an Egyptian man I will not tolerate someone laying a hand on my mother, sister, wife or daughter even if it was me. The man WILL do it again. I'm sure the it does not stop at the physical abuse. Run and do not look back. You need to take care of yourself and your baby. That matcho MAN is BAD for your and your baby's mental and physical health
Posts: 47 | From: Somewhere over the rainbow | Registered: Mar 2008
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She is asking what to do, and in fact it is a retoric question, because she already knew what the answer will be. She married a man, took him to Europe, and there it started. He doesn't want to work,he doesn't contribute into the marriage, but he is able to make baby's. From that point the baby is her responsebility. He leaves it up to her completely. He doesn't pay, he doesn't offer help. The only way he is using his hands is by getting violent. And he is complaining, because he has a difficult life... Ow, I forgot: he wants HER to leave, because he has no house... WTF...
So, what's left there to expect? A man who does not contribute in any way to a marriage? Who is using and abusing her money, her house, and herself? What more reasons do you need??? And seriously allowing him to behave this way??? Because of what????
Anthropos has a problem. Not with him, but with herself...
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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Anthropos, please. I know you must be going through a lot of emotional pain right now. But that tiny, tiny baby needs you to protect her. If not for you, please get out of this situation for your baby's sake.
Can you call whatever immigration authority there is in your country and report this?
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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Anthropos, I haven't read all the replies so my apologies if what I say has already been said. I feel you are not ready to leave because you are still somehow holding yourself accountable for HIS behaviour, you can be responsible for any part you might have in it, but you need to look at his behaviour and ask yourself if it is the right way to treat people?
Once you have done that, and can look at his behaviour more objectively then pride will not be an issue. There is no lost pride in telling people your husband is behaving in a bad way that you do not tolerate for yourself and your child, it is HIS responsibility to behave in the right way, not yours.
As long as you are afraid to admit to others how things really are, then you will continue to put up with this. The bottom line is, that whatever HIS behaviour might be, its not acceptable to you.
I'm not telling you to tell your mother, perhaps you dont want to tell her as she is too close, but find someone to tell and somewhere to stay, if he will not leave. If you have nowhere to go then you must call the police and have him removed if he is being violent towards you. He may not mean to kill you but he may push you at the top of the stairs one day and you could fall down and die, that is the reality. Its not a light matter, if he cannot keep his hands to himself when he is angry, and refuses to acknowledge it then HE is leaving you no option but to need to be away from him.
Women die every day through domestic violence, children also, by getting caught in the middle. People can change but only when they acknowledge what they do is wrong.
Please do the right thing anthropos, this will not change unless one of you does something about it x
Posts: 918 | From: Earth | Registered: Jan 2008
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quote:Originally posted by Anthropos: i have photographed the bruises.
good thinking!
your doctor and nurses can add them to the prosecution post morten ones in the courtroom when he goes to trial
Posts: 3416 | Registered: Oct 2007
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Bruises?! That's too bad. Despicable. But that's proof that he did resort to physical violence. Anthropos, it's good you took some action!!
Posts: 2807 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007
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Great! I'm glad you are taking positive steps in this. The only additional comment I'll make is that physical separation might be the best thing for now. Your marriage doesn't have to end. But the two of you can work on it from a little more distance until he gets control over his feelings.
You are in my thoughts.
Posts: 8794 | From: 01-20-09 The End of an Error | Registered: Dec 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Anthropos: i have told my doctor, my nurse, my psychiatric nurse, my mother.
i have photographed the bruises.
he has accepted to go to marriage counselling.
i have told him that this is the last chance.
i know that in 95% of the cases it will repeat itself. so this is the last hope.
we are both trying to improve our communications.
but of course i am sceptical.
i am getting help to deal with this.
so that is it. last chance.
How does your mother think about it? Does she think counselling will be a good idea? Did she offer you help when it might go wrong again? I'm asking you because something similar happened to a relative. Her parents sended her back to her husband. ( And blamed theirselves later for that)
Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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You need to seperate from him Anthropos. Photographing bruises is not enough. In my country nurses are mandatory reporters. That means you are not the only one to be considered here. As a nurse,I would immediately have to report this to child services as there is a child in a home where the woman has physical signs of abuse. A man who abuses his wife also abuses his children at some point. The welfare of a child in these cases is a priority, and a woman who cannot protect herself cannot protect her children.
You can argue that you would never allow him to abuse your child but the cold hard facts are that there are women every day who allow their children to experience the same abuse. Prison's are full of these woman, remember that. All you have to do is turn on the TV to see it . You risk losing your child over saving a relationship that he truly doesnt deserve. Any man that is really sorry would prove this by turning himself in for abusing his wife, get professional help and be a real phucking man, not a freaking cowardly woman beater!!!
Physical abuse deserves NO SECOND CHANCE unless accepts responsibility, which almost 100% of the time they never do.
Please, Im urging you to take your baby to your mom's and stay with her until you can get things together. Your only 24 and no man is worth this at all. Men who use violence against women are low life scum sucking wastes of skin!! Posts: 1121 | From: Too crazy to look at a freakin map to find out.. | Registered: Sep 2006
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I also agree with rumi and 'Yes we can', I hope that you would consider separation because you really need to be at a point where you are willing to end this relationship if things dont change yesterday. When you say that your husband has agreed to go to counselling, can you tell us what he has said exactly - has he accepted responsibility? does he know that how he reacts is wrong or does he justify it somehow? is he going to counselling because YOU think you should? It matters alot how HE is reacting to things, whether or not he actually believes its wrong or whether he is just pacifying you.
Posts: 918 | From: Earth | Registered: Jan 2008
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Thanks everybody for your responses and I completely understand the harsh ones as well.
I also said always before that I could never love someone like that and I would leave immediately.
I am giving it one last chance.
Believe it or not but I have taken action and I feel that I did the right thing by reporting it to the health workers. I didn´t go to the police as of yet.
I know that there are 95% chances it will happen again. I realize that. But I am giving it one last chance.
We are talking about this now and trying to find a new way to communicate. I am trying to make him realize that he has to change this.
He has accepted to go to therapy.
I am consciously trying to love myself more and more everyday. I am tryinng to make myself stronger. Because if the eventuality happens then I have the strength to end it.
I don´t know what else to do. Last chance.
Posts: 2184 | Registered: Oct 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Anthropos: Thanks everybody for your responses and I completely understand the harsh ones as well.
I also said always before that I could never love someone like that and I would leave immediately.
I am giving it one last chance.
Believe it or not but I have taken action and I feel that I did the right thing by reporting it to the health workers. I didn´t go to the police as of yet.
I know that there are 95% chances it will happen again. I realize that. But I am giving it one last chance.
We are talking about this now and trying to find a new way to communicate. I am trying to make him realize that he has to change this.
He has accepted to go to therapy.
I am consciously trying to love myself more and more everyday. I am tryinng to make myself stronger. Because if the eventuality happens then I have the strength to end it.
I don´t know what else to do. Last chance.
You can give this chance while maintaining your safety and that of your daughter from your mom's house. Then you will truely see how much he wants his family and if he will move heaven and earth to get you back.
I'm not being harsh, I am being blunt and realistic. You have to cut this behavior off at the knees, bottom line. He will not think your serious as you did not make him accept any consequences for his actions.
You talk about 95% of the time they dont change. Well I can guarantee the 5% who did suffered the shocking reality check of their wives calling the police, kicking them out and changing the locks. These woman maintained their safety, self respect and secured the well being of their child first and foremost.
Unfortunately from the postings you put on here these past months ,you have shown that you are willing to give him a 3rd,4th and 5th chance. You have trained him that he has no consequences for his behavior.
I have seen this 1000's of times. That's why it became a mandatory law for reporting in the US. Statistics show that woman will not protect their children when they cannot protect themselves. Some women/men even go as far as to cover up for the abusive husband/wife( I say wife to be fair to the men -they also suffer domestic violence)
You risk your child and you have no rights to do that. She is an innocent who you were blessed to be given and it is your OBLIGATION to protect and keep her from harm. You are more worried about a man than the safety of your child.
It's one thing to have marital problems and you try to make them work to not split the family, its quite another to subject your child to violence. Posts: 1121 | From: Too crazy to look at a freakin map to find out.. | Registered: Sep 2006
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I am sure the next thing your gonna say is he would never abuse his child or you wouldnt let him. That is denial and it is typical. Here are some links to show and help you not become a statistic:
This is to show you the effects this will have on your child: How Does Domestic Violence Affect Children?
Children are the silent victims of domestic violence. Their voices may not be heard and their pain often goes unnoticed. Every child from a violent home is abused. Witnessing the two most important people in their life hurting and being hurt damages the core of the child's emotional being. The following is a partial list of the ramifications and consequences for children living with and witnessing domestic abuse:
Pre-Natal
Increased miscarriages due to increased beatings and/or survivor's stress. Poor health due to survivor’s stress and lack of proper nutrition. Infants Crying and irritability Sleep disturbances Digestive problems Failure to thrive Toddlers/Preschoolers More aggressive than other children More withdrawn than other children Impaired cognitive abilities Delays in verbal development Poor motor skill abilities General fearfulness, anxiety Stomachaches, nightmares Lack of bowel and bladder control over 3 years old Lack of confidence to begin new tasks School Age Poor grades or in special classes Failure of one or more grade levels Poor social skills Low self-esteem General aggressiveness Violent outbursts of anger Bullying Withdrawn, dependent Bedwetting or nightmares Digestive problems, ulcers Headaches Teenagers Poor grades, fails or quits school Low self-esteem Refuses to bring friends home Stays away from home Feels responsible for taking care of home and adult survivor Runs away from home Violent outbursts of anger, destroys property, abuses pets Poor judgment, irresponsible decision making Unable to communicate feelings Immaturity Withdrawn, few friends Bedwetting or nightmares Ulcers, digestive problems Severe acne Violent with dating partners Joining in on beatings of adult survivor Tries to protect an adult survivor
Cold hard facts. Look at it on paper and realize that you and your child do not have to become a statistic.
Don't let this happen to you, its not worth it Anthropos. Stop it before it becomes too late for you Please!!
Posts: 1121 | From: Too crazy to look at a freakin map to find out.. | Registered: Sep 2006
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Rumi, I think you are doing a great job here. Domestic violence does have a very negative influence on children. The sooner Anthropos realises that 100%, the better for her child (and herself, of course).
Posts: 2807 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007
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Good links Rumi, hard to read, but good. Pay attention Anthropos, don't be fooled into thinking if he is not hitting you it is not abuse. You are very lucky to have this forum of people who are giving you this advice.
quote: An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” He uses fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power over you.
quote: There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most significant sign is fear of your partner. Other signs include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.
quote: You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so. Furthermore, emotional abuse usually worsens over time, often escalating to physical battery. .
Anthropos, This is sooo very true. I have been single for years and have still not complety over come. The longer you stay the more deeply it affects you.
quote: When this jealousy or stress escalates and a period of tension building begins, the victim may feel like she is walking on eggshells when the abuser demonstrates his power over the victim by raising his voice and hitting and throwing objects. In the “accute” stage the abusive behavior becomes explosive. The abuser may humiliate, or even physically harm the victim. The damage inflicted may serve as a wake-up call to the abuser. He then will typically try to “make-up” with the victim by apologizing, showering her with gifts and promising never to harm her again. During this period of the cycle the victim develops a false sense of security and believes that the abuser has changed. More often than not, tension eventually begins to build again and the cycle is repeated.
I got some really beautiful flower arrangements and money to go shopping.
quote: But emotional abuse happens with or without physical abuse. Because it does not leave scars or bruises, it is a less obvious form of abuse, but its effects can be devastating for victims.
Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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Goo Anthropos You have done the right thing. Be strong . I hope you will find a way back together. I hope you have happy moments together and that he can make you happy. But if not be strong and remember it is not your fault so don,t feel ashame.
Posts: 523 | From: Finland | Registered: Feb 2004
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Stop deluding yourself and realize that there can be no courage without fear, that fear should prompt your ass into action before something shitty happens. Again.
quote:Originally posted by VanillaBullshit: Stop deluding yourself and realize that there can be no courage without fear, that fear should prompt your ass into action before something shitty happens. Again.
I agree with VB
Posts: 504 | Registered: Mar 2008
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UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
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I can understand that it is hard for you but only YOU can stop this happening to you. Most men do promise not to do these things again your hubby could not even do that ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
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. You risk losing your child over saving a relationship that he truly doesnt deserve. Any man that is really sorry would prove this by turning himself in for abusing his wife, get professional help and be a real phucking man, not a freaking cowardly woman beater!!! ![[Mad]](mad.gif)
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