posted
Let me tell you a story, my story in fact, but before i do i ask that everyone please looks at this in a fair and objective way; I met my husband in Egypt i had gone on a holiday with my youngest son and was visiting friends who live there, so i was warned and warned of the advances of the male population and was prepared, in fact i went to relax sight see and general have a nice time with friends. I met a man, quiet spoken polite, attentive he was a friend of a friend, he joined our group when we went out, horse riding, swimming, for a meal he always acoompainied us. The last few days of my holiday we spent time together, when i returned home we kept in touch, (i was divorced with 2 sons). I returned for 3 weeks and we got to know each other much better, i ate in his family home visited all his relatives aunts uncles brothers etc etc etc so many. I was not always made to feel welcome but his immediate family were great it was his aunts, cousins that i felt the hostility from and of course i knew why i was stealing a good husband which was for one of their daughters. I visited approx four years about 4 times a year, we leased a flat of our own,so that i had somwhere to stay instead of hotels, we were orfi married (yea i know) things were not always perfect we had our disagreements, arguments. After about 4 years i returned one time and after a couple of days his mobile rang like it always did one call after another you know - anyway to cut a very long story short i found out that it was a egyptian girl. He said that it was a neighbour of his aunt who was ill who had his number so that both him and his brother could be contacted in emergency. He changed his story again to say that he had got her to tel to make me jealous because some on my friends (ex-pats) that live in Egypt were gay and he didnt like me still speaking with them.. Anyway i returned home angry, i went back to Egypt to my flat and we tried to talk things out, this is now 4 years on, he had always wanted to come to the UK so we applied for his visa, he got no trouble stright away we had all the evidence of out 4 years relationship and every other piece of info that they required to be honest if he had not got it it would have been out of order.
He came to the UK we got married and his visa was extended he got a job stright away, then another and another. Then he started not coming home from work, he would finish at 3pm and returned home at 1 2 3 in the morning he was amoking weed drinking, as we have a large ethnic community he soon met other egyptians, and other nationalities, then he stayed out all night. In the end i told him to **** ** he then blamed me, my family , my son for living with us. He as now applied for his ILR and left the home, he phones and says he cant wait to return to Egypt he hates the UK the weather working every day he as debt from his visa card, he as had 3 cars which i have bought, been college got a job, but hes not happy.
The morale of the story is THE GRASS IS NOT ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE. I will help him to return and wish him every happiness he as brought me sadness....
He as got his visa without any trouble, got his extension and now his ILR but he is lost unhappy and of course really didnt love me did he?
I will move on and so will he but the lost time is lost we have known each other now for 7 years along time.....
Anyone thinking that relocation is easy its not its bloody hard and both have to try and try and try if not then its a lost cause.
xxxxxxx
Posts: 81 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2009
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posted
Chelsea I can understand what you are trying to say but I don't believe all of the 7 years were bad. You must have learnt alot and had experiences good and bad that you would not have had if you didn't meet this man. Can't you just see it as a part of your life like a chapter in a book. It maybe that that chapter is now finished and you are ready to start a new one, I don't understand why you see it as time lost.
Life is not perfect sometime its good sometimes its bad but its just life.
Posts: 3809 | From: Paradise | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
you were warned and im sure there were many differences between the both of you before hand in which u chose to ignore simply because u were blinded by 'love'...
sorry but what else could u expect?
Posts: 2757 | From: YOU CAN ONLY SEE WHAT I CHOOSE TO SHOW, THERE IS SO MUCH MORE YOU JUST DONT KNOW | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
Chelsea, thank you so much for opening your heart to us and tell us your story.
And I can only imagine how hard it is for you to realize that this marriage failed, you most likely blame yourself partly for it and wonder what you could have done differently.
But I am sure in your own way you tried your best to make this relationship work and sometimes people - although they love each other deeply - are a total mismatch.
It's hard to come to terms with this unfortunate ending and I can only tell you to look forward and don't think so much about the bad times. Although life is not always kind to us is does hold surprising moments for us. Something better will be coming your way. All the best to you and your sons. Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Chelsea, you learned a lesson, yes? And you won't repeat the mistake, yes?
Then the time was not lost...you gained knowledge and understanding, and grew along the way.
As painful as it was for you, and I'm terribly sorry, look at it as your "darma"...an experience that you endured and learned from and now you can share that experience with others so that they may not repeat the same mistake.
Good luck and hang in there..at least you're one of the intelligent ones!
Posts: 199 | From: ...under the radar.... | Registered: Jan 2009
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posted
Hi Chelsea.. I felt your sadness and disappointment when reading your post.. Being in a long term relationship/marriage is difficult even when you marry someone from your own Country, culture, religion but when you have the added complications of marrying someone from another Country, culture,etc., its so hard on both of you.
ONE of you has to choose to become "The fish out of water" and live in the partners Country -Having to relocate, leaving family & friends and try to fit into a completely different environment & society. This can prove to be isolating/alienating/soul destroying... so the pressure mounts, resentment sets in and no matter how hard you try to make it work, you just can't. Im sure your ex. loved you, and you him, but sometimes love just isnt enough to survive.
You havent failed, take comfort in the fact that it is indeed a learning curve,you have both shared happy moments and gained experience of life love and relationships. Its wonderful that you wish him well and a happy future.. I wish you Good luck with your future and that of your children, its time to let go, be courageous, move on and enjoy the first day of the rest of your life x
Posts: 164 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
[QUOTE]Originally posted by CairoStudent: [QB] I'm sorry for all the sad feelings you must have experienced. Thank you for posing your story.
Don't be sad anymore. Discovering you were unloved is better than continuing to live that way. agree totally, you don't have to live that way.there are so many out there that will appreciate you.good luck to you Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
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Chelsea, It could of just of easily have ended after 7 years or 20 with someone from your own country. Any relationship is really nothing more than a crap shoot.
I agree Marmia, sometimes love just isn't enough.
-------------------- "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) Leap and the Net will Appear. Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Thankyou all for you kind words, yes its a learning curve of that im sure, i love Egypt and are planning to return to see friends have a holiday and hopefully relocate there in the not too distant future... It took for him to move to the UK for us to find out that we really didnt get on and that it wasnt going to work, after a long time i had good times bad times but your right i will remember the good more than the bad, and on a last note i have not lost money through all of this, i was careful. Posts: 81 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2009
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posted
im really sad to u too but u lost nothing except time there are people los eevery thing even the people he loved.
move on chelsea. wish u the best but if he come back to you and asked u to forgive him please dont be cruel and let him down if u still have some thing good for him. wish u all the best
Posts: 305 | From: egypt | Registered: Jul 2008
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All the best for the future. Just remember, some people waste their whole lives in an unhappy marriage because they don't have the courage to get out, so when you think of it like that, seven years is nothing lol. No point looking back, just always look forward.
Posts: 2573 | From: England | Registered: Jun 2008
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It has been seven years, it is clearly unhappy. I wouldn't personally waste another second on that when she can move on and find someone who really appreciates her and her son. She is clearly done with the relationship, and just because the man might come back with tail between legs doesn't mean she should forgive him- what, that now he might want to play family man she should forget about the past? No, believe it or not relationships are not all on the man's terms.
-------------------- Another one.... Posts: 2573 | From: England | Registered: Jun 2008
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LIFE IS NOT ONLY FUN. some times fun and some times seriouse during the hard times u know the good poeple and recognize that they r good or bad .
Posts: 305 | From: egypt | Registered: Jul 2008
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LIFE IS NOT ONLY FUN. some times fun and some times seriouse during the hard times u know the good poeple and recognize that they r good or bad. they deserve to be good with them or not.
Posts: 305 | From: egypt | Registered: Jul 2008
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quote:Originally posted by chelsea: He said that it was a neighbour of his aunt who was ill who had his number so that both him and his brother could be contacted in emergency.
You didn't believe this, did you?
I will move on and so will he but the lost time is lost we have known each other now for 7 years along time.....
xxxxxxx
Good luck.
Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
What is life without forgiveness...something the young dont't seem to understand
Posts: 3809 | From: Paradise | Registered: Mar 2003
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quote: What is life without forgiveness...something the young dont't seem to understand
Does she mention she is holding a grudge?...
quote: I will help him to return and wish him every happiness he as brought me sadness....
Seems to me she has forgiven and now ready to move on. Forgiveness doesn't mean she must let him back in her life- he brought her sadness. This is why I don't agree with what pablo said, that if he regrets she should give him another chance. There are many women on the site that have been cheated on, abused, etc- if their guys said "oh I'm sorry", does that make it ok?
-------------------- Another one.... Posts: 2573 | From: England | Registered: Jun 2008
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posted
Yes we are all human and yes we all make mistakes, but we are all still different(like the fingers on the hand) we have different values different standards but we also have a threshold were we can say enough is enough but when mistakes are made and you say sorry that does not automatically make everything ok. why does always have to come down to emotional blackmail all the time (if you love you would do this, if you love me you would do that) well guess what pablo people can love each other but that does not mean we have to forgive everytime someone say sorry to us. chelsea you never waste anything you learn from it and move on
Posts: 312 | From: my world | Registered: Sep 2007
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Pablo, I am pretty sure the poster hasn't got any children with the egy guy. She has a son from a previous relationship, who her new husband even turned around and blamed! And stop trying to make everything personal!
-------------------- Another one.... Posts: 2573 | From: England | Registered: Jun 2008
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i knew she has ason before she knows this guy. im just asking every one to forgive. if u dont want to forgive its up to u . for me i forgive any one even he insult me but never forgive any one cheats me i think i told u that before WIERD KITTY.
Posts: 305 | From: egypt | Registered: Jul 2008
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sorry chelsea i want to aask u quistion what would u do if u have akid from that egyptian guy? sorry for asking but i just want to know how much u forgive.
Posts: 305 | From: egypt | Registered: Jul 2008
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Pablo, It really doesn't matter whether Chelsea would forgive something that your wife might not. Everyone is different and what one person will forgive another will not.
Personally I think that everyone is accountable for their own behaviour, and when they do something wrong they must be prepared to accept the consequences of their behaviour.
People cannot wander through life saying 'oh it was just a mistake, you should forgive me' because the chances are it is not the first time.
Forgiveness may be islamic, but so is accountability, even God does not forgive those who say sorry and keep doing the same things.
I dont know you or your situation, nor do I want to, but I felt the need to respond to your comments that there is no forgiveness here.
Posts: 431 | From: England | Registered: Dec 2008
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Forgiving does not mean you condone the behaviour and it does not mean you have to reconcile with someone that has treated you badly
You always have a choice whether you forgive but to withhold forgiveness is to continue to remain the victim. By refusing to forgive and by holding on to the anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal can make your own life miserable. A vindictive mind-set creates bitterness and lets the betrayer claim one more victim. The hurts won't heal until you forgive! Recovery from wrongdoing that produces genuine forgiveness takes time. Constantly reliving your wounded feelings gives the person who caused you pain power over you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, it helps to focus your energy on the healing, not the hurt!
As we seem to into quotes today:- "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Mahatma Gandhi
Posts: 3809 | From: Paradise | Registered: Mar 2003
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quote:Originally posted by pablo_7777: no one here loves to forgive. lets make this week is the week of forgivness.
pablo, since you insist that the entire world knows about your personal problems, but from what kitty has written, have not informed your parents of all the details of your relationship...
should we? you are telling the world your personal life on here for anyone with a computer or a few LE to rent one out to read, so we have to assume you have no problem if someone were to print this, translate to arabic and just hand out to all of your family's neighbors, the bawabs, taxi drivers and anyone who's bored and wants a bit of juicy gossip in your neighborhood.
you have no problem shaming your wife in public with these posts, so it must be ok to show your posts to your family, and make jokes about what you are doing.
Hm? What? No? you wouldn't like that? Oh yes, that would be so low-class, so shameful, so disrespectful to your culture...
your relatives would hide their faces in shame if they read what you were writing her.
If you think yourself respectful, from a good family - ACT like it. STOP these posts and be a man.
Posts: 2182 | Registered: Oct 2002
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Save your breath ExptinCAI..he's not interested in listening, the same point have been made to him over and over again...the man has no shame
Posts: 3809 | From: Paradise | Registered: Mar 2003
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pablo you are very wrong I may be western but having been married to an Egyptian man for 7 years I know a bit about Egyptian men...so when I say you have no shame I MEAN you have no shame...you wanted your cake and eat it ( English saying) now you have to face the concequences of that. Don't write you respect your wife and then continue to disrepsect her on here....yes I agree I hope WK can forgive you but that does not mean she needs to stay with you. I have not spoken to you impolitely, I have only told you the truth on this and the other thread. But I read you now you are not a man that can listen to a woman...even when you know what is said is right. How many times did people on here tell you both to take time out to cool down and then sort your problems offline....but still you put your personal stuff out here Posts: 3809 | From: Paradise | Registered: Mar 2003
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Is that what you did pablo follow your heart, because if you did look were it got you in a whole load of trouble, sometimes you have to listen to other people you might not like what they say but tough, and maybe if you thought with your head a bit more and not with your heart you would not have all these problems, if you respect wk as you say you do you would sort this out in private,
Posts: 312 | From: my world | Registered: Sep 2007
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posted
I really hope I wont be followed around with someone making my posts personal. All I have said here has been for the person who started the thread. I don't wont my business brought up all the time on this site.
Now to get this out of the way, I have nothing to forgive. My issues are NOT to do with forgiveness, because I have no grudge, I'm not angry, I have no regrets. Not all relationships end because someone cannot forgive- many end because two people are just not right for each other. But hey, if this makes you feel better: Pablo, I forgive you for trying to change me, I forgive you for wanting an Egyptian wife in a western body. There, you are forgiven- now drop it.
Hopefully we can now stay on topic. No one knows how often the guy asked forgiveness, only to then continue doing this that and the other. I doubt this woman didn't try hard at her marriage, didn't give him another chance (probably more than once). As for forgiveness itself. This might sound weird, but I think it is not as important as people make out. There are two people in my life I will never forgive. They do not deserve to be forgiven by me- some people deserve our hatred, otherwise it lessens what they have done. This doesn't mean you are always a victim. I'm perfectly happy in my life and not consumed with anger, in fact, I really don’t think about them at all ever. But not forgiven, merely forgotten (nearly).
Posts: 2573 | From: England | Registered: Jun 2008
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posted
One cannot command forgiveness from another person, forgiveness comes from within, first you have to forgive yourself on a very deep level and believe it feel it then true transformation takes place within which changes your perspective and people close to you will see it then the magic happens. This is what I believe the true sense of forgiveness is, forgiving oneself.
-------------------- Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away. Posts: 564 | From: planet earth | Registered: Jan 2008
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-------------------- "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) Leap and the Net will Appear. Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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Great point ***** Forgiving yourself is far more important. I wasted too long blaming myself about certain things, when I should have been blaming them. In time I forgave myself, and it was then that I was able to come to terms and put the past behind me. People who can't let go of the past, isn't because they haven't forgiven others, it is because they haven't forgiven themselves.
Posts: 2573 | From: England | Registered: Jun 2008
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quote:Originally posted by *****: One cannot command forgiveness from another person, forgiveness comes from within, first you have to forgive yourself on a very deep level and believe it feel it then true transformation takes place within which changes your perspective and people close to you will see it then the magic happens. This is what I believe the true sense of forgiveness is, forgiving oneself.
Buddha ? I thought you were dead man!
Posts: 6335 | From: Straight to my heart. | Registered: Sep 2007
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Thanks for the replies, i have moved on and no longer wait up on a night to see if and what time he returns home. I learned alot in the years we were together, and i love Egypt, i dont feel that i have to forgive how can you forgive someone who deceived you, lied to you, hurt you ? neither do i hate, its he's loss not mine.... i will cherish the good times and forget the bad ones. Life is good, im happy and content and actually at peace with myself now. Oh and by the way he stated that he wanted to return asap to Egypt, the home office still have our passports as the ILR was pending, i have written to the Home Office today to cancel his ILR due to the change in our circumstances, so may look like he will be returning in the very near future. Posts: 81 | From: england | Registered: Feb 2009
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quote:Originally posted by weirdkitty: Pablo, I forgive you for trying to change me, I forgive you for wanting an Egyptian wife in a western body. There, you are forgiven- now drop it.
Oh please stop all the drama. You both made mistakes. You wanted him as a tolerant Muslim which he turned out not to be.
I still hope you can make up somehow. As the months go by you will hopefully find a better way of communicating with each other than throwing accusations back and forth for everyone to read on here.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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