posted
Honestly I have to say that I have posted in a few different message boards for health things and children discussions....this is the worst, it's like a bunch of little kids in a school yard calling each other names...and its rude to take over another persons post like that. I thought this was a place to discuss topics in a free, honest and respectful manner...ha, guess I was mistaken !
At this time not much has changed. My husband and his best friend ( who is like a son to the family) spoke with his father and he has agreed to accept the situation and my husbands wishes. My husbands mother will not ever accept this...they told her we divorced because she was not sleeping, eating and threatning to harm herself..My husbands father told my husband to do as he wishes but for now to keep the mom out of it, she cannot handle this. I did do some research and this situation is more common then I thought. I actually found many references on Islamic websites in which the parent or parents were making it impossible for their son to choose as he wants, to the point where he feels forced to keep choices from them. At the same time, I realize that this has not solved anything and the chances of a relationship being succesful under these circumstances are very low..My husband told me that he will never leave me, but he needs to make him mom ok and will do anything to take care of each of us. I really feel in my heart that he's being honest with me and is trying to find a way to keep his family ok, and keep me as his wife. What is the right answer in this, its not so simple....its easy to say we never shoudl ahve kept this from them but if he didn't or doesnt he will never be able to choose life for himself. Aside from this, I have nothing to say against him. He has supported me for the past years, always been there and never let me down. I went to Egypt and he paid for everything, my flight, a wonderful apartment, a trip to hurghada...and now he wants me to come back next month for a short visit. He has not ever asked me for one thing in over two years. I tried to pay for dinner in Cairo and he told me NO, its his responsibility to pay. For the past two years we have lived through many things together, and always been there for the other. We are in contact every minute of the day on our cell phones through MSN..he has never not answered me. He has told me things about himself that he never had to tell me and I would have never known otherwise... I have questioned him like an FBI agent for two years relentlessly and he was not for one time annoyed or inpatient..if i were him I would have lost it on me long ago. He's consistent. To just throw my arms up and assume he's going this far to get a visa, would be deciding he's really a very manipulative and cruel person...why go against his family, who he really love, for a visa ? He's a strict Muslim and I see that in his daily life. How he speaks to people and helps the poor and prays religiously. I saw how his friends love him and how he respects them..his friends are also following Islam closely...we were on a nile boat cruise and a belly dancer came on, his best friend was so uncomfortable he almost jumped off. So either he is an amazing actor, who is acting consistent and devoted and loyal and loving through various and continous actions over the past years...but wouldnt an actor get tired or slip up ? And spending every waking minute with me, all while not giving a crap about me and my well being. You know, when i was in Egypt I got an infection and wasnt feeling well..he took care of me so sincerely...im thinking some thinks you can't fake but maybe im wrong......
So ready for all attacks now....pls stick to the topic on this thread...ty
Posts: 41 | From: Canada | Registered: Apr 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
If you have no doubts about his sincerity then why the **** are you are an internet forum with a bunch of people you are comparing to little kids, asking our opinion? Stop trying to justify your situation to us, we don't care. You had many members give you their advice and thoughts, what is it your are expecting?
Do whatever the hell you want, we're not here to talk you out of it or something, do you think we are getting paid for this ****? GMAFB
Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2009
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by HiMyNameIs: If you have no doubts about his sincerity then why the **** are you are an internet forum with a bunch of people you are comparing to little kids, asking our opinion? Stop trying to justify your situation to us, we don't care. You had many members give you their advice and thoughts, what is it your are expecting?
Do whatever the hell you want, we're not here to talk you out of it or something, do you think we are getting paid for this ****? GMAFB
GMAFB?? thats a new one on me, whats that mean? Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
So you stand by while he tells his mother another huge lie despite the total mess the first lie has caused, and then go on to justify that he's an ok Guy.
Quote:- "I have questioned him like an FBI agent for two years relentlessly and he was not for one time annoyed or inpatient..if i were him I would have lost it on me long ago. He's consistent."
Oh so you think abnormal behaviour is ok because its consistent abnormal behaviour.
Why look back and keep analysing what he has or has not done. Regardless of whether he's a VISA hunter or not what sort of a life can he really offer you and your children??
Posts: 3809 | From: Paradise | Registered: Mar 2003
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by HiMyNameIs: If you have no doubts about his sincerity then why the **** are you are an internet forum with a bunch of people you are comparing to little kids, asking our opinion? Stop trying to justify your situation to us, we don't care. You had many members give you their advice and thoughts, what is it your are expecting?
Do whatever the hell you want, we're not here to talk you out of it or something, do you think we are getting paid for this ****? GMAFB
GMAFB?? thats a new one on me, whats that mean?
I'm not sure I want to know what it means LOL. Let's take some guesses:
G M A F B:
German Men Are Fabulous Boys
General Motors Air Force Base
Get Me A Freaking Beer
Posts: 1626 | From: whatever, wherever | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Ayisha: GMAFB?? thats a new one on me, whats that mean?
It means Give Me A Fvcking Break...you silly old hag. Posts: 3219 | From: Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. | Registered: Nov 2005
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Dzosser: [QUOTE]Originally posted by Ayisha: GMAFB?? thats a new one on me, whats that mean?
It means Give Me A Fvcking Break...you silly old hag.
Come on! Now you ruined my game! I wanted to see how many more acronyms we would come up with.
Posts: 1626 | From: whatever, wherever | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
Mother is making Mediterrean drama because she knows her own son, her own husband,and a very close friend are fooling her and there is nothing she can do against it. You are standing behind them and you play the very same game. If there should have been one person straight in this nasty story, then you would have been introduced to her, to make her own opinion about you. But they are not. Not one person has been straight, and they all are telling her lies, while she knows.Of course she is making drama...
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
What is 'Mediterrean drama' ?? is it a marine life issue ? Posts: 3219 | From: Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. | Registered: Nov 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
You know, the way elder women behave when something is not going well. With their health, with their family, with whatever.
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Questionmarks: You know, the way elder women behave when something is not going well. With their health, with their family, with whatever.
Yes but MIL in Sardenia is like MIL in Sweden, her son is a priority regardless of what he chooses for a spouse. Posts: 3219 | From: Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. | Registered: Nov 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
GMAFB [/qb][/QUOTE]GMAFB?? thats a new one on me, whats that mean? [/qb][/QUOTE]I'm not sure I want to know what it means LOL. Let's take some guesses:
G M A F B:
German Men Are Fabulous Boys
General Motors Air Force Base
Get Me A Freaking Beer [/QB][/QUOTE]
Posts: 500 | From: United Arab Emirates | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
There's a million things running through my head so I'll just summarize it and say RUN.
Posts: 758 | From: Here. There. Everywhere. | Registered: Mar 2008
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by learningarabic: At this time not much has changed. My husband and his best friend ( who is like a son to the family) spoke with his father and he has agreed to accept the situation and my husbands wishes. My husbands mother will not ever accept this...they told her we divorced because she was not sleeping, eating and threatning to harm herself..My husbands father told my husband to do as he wishes but for now to keep the mom out of it, she cannot handle this.
quote:Originally posted by Dzosser: What is 'Mediterrean drama' ?? is it a marine life issue ?
Lol I liked your reply!!
QM, aren't you having Italian roots yourself?? So much about Mediterranean drama....
Learningarabic, again best of luck to you and your new husband. I am glad to hear that his Dad seems to be more tolerant than you made it sound like at first. Really that is good news.
Mama will have to accept the marriage at one point. IMHO the arrival of a little grandchild will do wonders! Mark my words!!
And remember the will to convert has to come from the inside of your heart and not because of pressure from your husband and his family. Take care. Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
The fact is his mother does not want his son to be married to a non muslim girl, and the fact is he has lied and has lied again will make the sitution ten times worse now for you and his family.
I cant tell you what to do but my advise would be is the end it and try and find a man in your own country.Your husband would choose his mother over you in the long run, and he has already lied and lied again!!! The fact is his mother does not want her son to be married a non muslim girl outside egypt.
Dont break your heart over this man because he wont break his heart for you, his mother and family come first. This has nothing to do with islamic references as you have read about, its about his mother.
Im sorry but its true.whatever you do always leave something back for yourself.
Posts: 1048 | From: If you are given a blessing you may be envied | Registered: Oct 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
Great advice, get pregnant and force Dad to stop lying to Mum!!! what a better way to be accepted in a family, get knocked up and bring your kids over with you!!!
Two such close male friends not liking a belly dancer only joking, we all know there are no gay men in Egypt lol.
Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
She wants him to marry a 'REAL' Muslima which sits day in and out with her in the house and takes care of her.
This elderly lady doesn't wanna give up her son and chain him and his future wife up until the end of her final days. It's her or no way. Remember she already said she's would hurt herself in that case (and let me refer back here to the initial thread):
quote:Originally posted by learningarabic: His mother will not accept ANYTHING...unless its exactly what she has planned... NOTHING except living in her home with his wife (who must be Egyptian or she has no morals)... His mother created a situation in which he feels that he cannot choose for his life without lying to her. She even said if he travels she will burn herself
posted
So her son knocking up an divorced westerner who already had kids really was moronic advice then.
If my dude kept me a secret and then convinced his dad to lie to his mum I would have run for the hills a long way back.
But LearningArabic, you clearly think he is worth all the pain, time and worry... but consider yourself 5 years down the line.
BTW, I know a women who after 5 years shelled out ££££££ to her Egyptian dude, who bought a villa with the cash for him, his Egyptian wife and their three children, the youngest being two!
You seem wise and with it, so just keep your head, bank balance and womb in tact!!!
Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
it has probably been mentioned before but how do you know he isnt lying to YOU when its clear he is lying to everyone else around him who he is supposed to LOVE?
-------------------- If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Tigerlily: Mama will have to accept the marriage at one point. IMHO the arrival of a little grandchild will do wonders! Mark my words!!
Erm ... no. There are quite a few foreign women in Egypt raising their children on their own because the guy never had the guts to tell his parents about it.
quote:Originally posted by Cheekyferret: If my dude kept me a secret and then convinced his dad to lie to his mum I would have run for the hills a long way back.
posted
I posted because a few ppl messaged me asking me about the status of my situation and I thought maybe including my story and its development wether good or bad might enlighten the next person reading it. Also, I never said I didnt doubt what is happening, Im simply explaining what is my train of thought right now.
quote:Originally posted by HiMyNameIs: If you have no doubts about his sincerity then why the **** are you are an internet forum with a bunch of people you are comparing to little kids, asking our opinion? Stop trying to justify your situation to us, we don't care. You had many members give you their advice and thoughts, what is it your are expecting?
Do whatever the hell you want, we're not here to talk you out of it or something, do you think we are getting paid for this ****? GMAFB
quote:Originally posted by Penny: So you stand by while he tells his mother another huge lie despite the total mess the first lie has caused, and then go on to justify that he's an ok Guy.
Quote:- "I have questioned him like an FBI agent for two years relentlessly and he was not for one time annoyed or inpatient..if i were him I would have lost it on me long ago. He's consistent."
So tell me what do you do if your parents are completly controlling your life and what they have planned for you is not what you want for ure life at all ? You have tried several tmes to express your thoughts and feelings and not to be listened to at all....you do what next ? Just give in and live a lfe you dont want ? The pressure here is beyond average and this is not and easy situation. It is not abnormal here in the west for kids to keep things from their parents, I see this all the time..and here in most circumstances we accept the ppl our children marry wether we want to or not..society is not the same.
Oh so you think abnormal behaviour is ok because its consistent abnormal behaviour.
Why look back and keep analysing what he has or has not done. Regardless of whether he's a VISA hunter or not what sort of a life can he really offer you and your children??
posted
Oh what tangled web! I have to agree that a marriage cannot survive all these lies. I honestly don't think a strict muslim man would continually lie to his mum like this and now his dad's involved in the deception I can't see a solution for this as he says he has to make sure his mum's ok and you say she'll never except it. I don't know what age his mum is but she could have many years ahead of her meaning alot of years waiting until he is 'free'. Only you can decide how much you can take of this situation.
Posts: 4476 | From: Scotland | Registered: Mar 2006
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Questionmarks: Mother is making Mediterrean drama because she knows her own son, her own husband,and a very close friend are fooling her and there is nothing she can do against it. You are standing behind them and you play the very same game. If there should have been one person straight in this nasty story, then you would have been introduced to her, to make her own opinion about you. But they are not. Not one person has been straight, and they all are telling her lies, while she knows.Of course she is making drama...
The drama was long before this decision to keep the situation from her, and now she is very much back to normal and happy. She healed instantly, over night actually. Hmmmm miracle.
Posts: 41 | From: Canada | Registered: Apr 2010
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Questionmarks: Mother is making Mediterrean drama because she knows her own son, her own husband,and a very close friend are fooling her and there is nothing she can do against it. You are standing behind them and you play the very same game. If there should have been one person straight in this nasty story, then you would have been introduced to her, to make her own opinion about you. But they are not. Not one person has been straight, and they all are telling her lies, while she knows.Of course she is making drama...
The drama was long before this decision to keep the situation from her, and now she is very much back to normal and happy. She healed instantly, over night actually. Hmmmm miracle.
yeah they do that. Bit like a kid thats stamps his feet and screams and shouts in a shop that he wants a lillipop, soon as you give it to him the screaming stops.
posted
It gets me how you make things up that are not even said...who said anything about getting pregnant ?????????? Why add more unecessary made up information...? and I the belly dancer was an example of observation..im sure he would have liked to look at her but he was making sure he didnt.
quote:Originally posted by Cheekyferret: Great advice, get pregnant and force Dad to stop lying to Mum!!! what a better way to be accepted in a family, get knocked up and bring your kids over with you!!!
Two such close male friends not liking a belly dancer only joking, we all know there are no gay men in Egypt lol.
posted
Its not just because Im not Muslim, its also because im not egyptian...
quote:Originally posted by Tigerlily: WHY should his mother get the last word??
She wants him to marry a 'REAL' Muslima which sits day in and out with her in the house and takes care of her.
This elderly lady doesn't wanna give up her son and chain him and his future wife up until the end of her final days. It's her or no way. Remember she already said she's would hurt herself in that case (and let me refer back here to the initial thread):
quote:Originally posted by learningarabic: His mother will not accept ANYTHING...unless its exactly what she has planned... NOTHING except living in her home with his wife (who must be Egyptian or she has no morals)... His mother created a situation in which he feels that he cannot choose for his life without lying to her. She even said if he travels she will burn herself
posted
So, what will you do if the life you want is thecomplete opposite of your controling and not reasonable mother ? and her plans for ure life are not any you want to live with...and not following her in even one of these thigns leads to dramtic and drastic behaviour ??? Tell me.. also, as I said over the years my husband has supported me financially and helped me several times in tight situations as well as I didnt pay one penny while in Egypt. He has never asked me for one thing...
quote:Originally posted by Cheekyferret: So her son knocking up an divorced westerner who already had kids really was moronic advice then.
If my dude kept me a secret and then convinced his dad to lie to his mum I would have run for the hills a long way back.
But LearningArabic, you clearly think he is worth all the pain, time and worry... but consider yourself 5 years down the line.
BTW, I know a women who after 5 years shelled out ££££££ to her Egyptian dude, who bought a villa with the cash for him, his Egyptian wife and their three children, the youngest being two!
You seem wise and with it, so just keep your head, bank balance and womb in tact!!!
posted
What would I do, I would be an adult, I would be honest and I would sit my Mother down and explain that she has a choice, she either loses her daughter forever or snaps out of her way and accept her daughter's life and gains a family.
I would have introduced my partner to the family, I would have allowed them the choice to attend the wedding or not, I WOULD NOT have removed that choice from the parents.
I WOULD NOT... get the guy to marry me in secret and lie to my family. I WOULD NOT also be part of the lie, you are allowing him and permitting him to lie to his mother, I do doubt your part in this will win you any gold stars with the Mum.
It is NORMAL for the man to pay, don't get all trippy thinking you are special... I merely gave you a real life example how a lady I know lost nearly £50k on a decent educated guy who paid for her lifestyle here. And it took five years of them living on the same continent for it to happen.
Your story is all to familiar and we are simply telling you what scenario could happen with our experience of people we know. Take them on board at least.
I think overall our main points have been he is clearly a good liar and not committed to his own mother and that is concerning. Maybe you are flattered he would rather escape to Canada to be with you than stay with a mother he clearly doesn't want to be around.
Finally.
TL mentioned you should get pregnant and two of us responded to her comment.
You seem to be reading and taking on board advice that will allow you to live happily ever after and getting narky with those of us who think you should move on!
If you don't want to hear the answers then stop asking the questions!
Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well, learningArabic, what do you expect will happen as a secret wife and daughter in law? Will you stay a secret untill your MIL will die? Are you prepared to live like that?
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
So he wants to keep the marriage a secret from his own Mum, in Egypt this means that your marriage won't be publicly recognised and therefore under Islam, not a true marriage.
Good to read you think he is following Islam correctly.
How do you know he isn't lying to you? How can you guarantee that his words on MSN are all true. The more I read about how perfect he is the more it seems quite unlikely to be true!
Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by learningarabic: So, what will you do if the life you want is thecomplete opposite of your controling and not reasonable mother ?
Family wins 9 times out of 10.
Blood is thicker than water.
Posts: 1626 | From: whatever, wherever | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
It is lovely idea, but if your mother will not sit and refuses to listen to a word your saying to her...and when u tell her this is your choice, she tells you she will harm herself if you go against her...then what ? How do you deal with who is not rational and fair ? Under most normal circumstances this is how any person would approach the situation. BUT his mom is not able to hear and digest anything except what she wants. His mother whould have never agreed to meet me, he tried before we were married to bring me into the family. There was not one inch of openess in even meeting with me...Im not Mulim and not Egyptian..im from the west, therefor I hold no values or morals. I will cheat and use him and steal his kids from him etc...her mind is full of misconceptions and she refuses to think any other way. I could have been living in Cairo and the response would have been the SAME. Next, I have to mention that I did not "GET" anyone to marry me in secret..my husband and I discussed this for a year before I came to Egypt...and marrying him without his family knowing was not something I felt most comfortable and happy about. I admit that I should not have agreed to move forward until they knew and it this that I regret the most. But as I mentioned, they would have never agreed..no matter what we did or didnt do. Yes, it is normal for the man to pay, but im simply responding to ure comment about taking money..he has never done that or even suggested it, at all so Im not going to put against him what he has not done yet. Does being committed to his mother, mean he has to give in to her controling nature and do all things she says ? Again, this woman is not reasonable. And for you information, nothing in this flatters me...really, i care deeply for this man and I would never allow him to choose me over his family. If I was looking for only advice that we will show we may live happily ever after, I definitly would not have posted on this board...really Im at this point just trying to share my story in hope that another will not repeat as I did. As for my situation, as I said I have some decisions to make and right now Im taking some time to figure out which steps to take while considering the complete situation and all that has been shown over the past years.
quote:Originally posted by Cheekyferret: What would I do, I would be an adult, I would be honest and I would sit my Mother down and explain that she has a choice, she either loses her daughter forever or snaps out of her way and accept her daughter's life and gains a family.
I would have introduced my partner to the family, I would have allowed them the choice to attend the wedding or not, I WOULD NOT have removed that choice from the parents.
I WOULD NOT... get the guy to marry me in secret and lie to my family. I WOULD NOT also be part of the lie, you are allowing him and permitting him to lie to his mother, I do doubt your part in this will win you any gold stars with the Mum.
It is NORMAL for the man to pay, don't get all trippy thinking you are special... I merely gave you a real life example how a lady I know lost nearly £50k on a decent educated guy who paid for her lifestyle here. And it took five years of them living on the same continent for it to happen.
Your story is all to familiar and we are simply telling you what scenario could happen with our experience of people we know. Take them on board at least.
I think overall our main points have been he is clearly a good liar and not committed to his own mother and that is concerning. Maybe you are flattered he would rather escape to Canada to be with you than stay with a mother he clearly doesn't want to be around.
Finally.
TL mentioned you should get pregnant and two of us responded to her comment.
You seem to be reading and taking on board advice that will allow you to live happily ever after and getting narky with those of us who think you should move on!
If you don't want to hear the answers then stop asking the questions!
quote:Originally posted by learningarabic: It is lovely idea, but if your mother will not sit and refuses to listen to a word your saying to her...and when u tell her this is your choice, she tells you she will harm herself if you go against her...then what ? How do you deal with who is not rational and fair ? Under most normal circumstances this is how any person would approach the situation. BUT his mom is not able to hear and digest anything except what she wants. Does being committed to his mother, mean he has to give in to her controling nature and do all things she says ? Again, this woman is not reasonable.
The problem is you are approaching this from a complete Western perspective. You are perplexed that she would control her son for the rest of his life and not "want him to have the life he wants". Sure, a Western mother would eventually let her son live his own life even if his choices are not what she wanted for him.
You say she is irrational and unreasonable. The rest of us are saying this is normal for an Egyptian mother.
It's not going to change. She (or anyone else in the family) is not suddenly going to give her blessing for your marriage.
Posts: 1626 | From: whatever, wherever | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
You think that his Mum will think you have no morals... Marrying her son behind her back... wherever would she get such an idea.
Ladies, we have a BMID on board. Grooming in progress.
Suicide is forbidden in Islam... I doubt his Islamic Mother will be doing anything too drastic to distract her boy from you, I think it is moreso he is telling you a lie or embellishing somewhat.
Did you marry Orfi or legally?
Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by learningarabic: It is lovely idea, but if your mother will not sit and refuses to listen to a word your saying to her...and when u tell her this is your choice, she tells you she will harm herself if you go against her...then what ? How do you deal with who is not rational and fair ? Under most normal circumstances this is how any person would approach the situation. BUT his mom is not able to hear and digest anything except what she wants. Does being committed to his mother, mean he has to give in to her controling nature and do all things she says ? Again, this woman is not reasonable.
The problem is you are approaching this from a complete Western perspective. You are perplexed that she would control her son for the rest of his life and not "want him to have the life he wants". Sure, a Western mother would eventually let her son live his own life even if his choices are not what she wanted for him.
You say she is irrational and unreasonable. The rest of us are saying this is normal for an Egyptian mother.
It's not going to change. She (or anyone else in the family) is not suddenly going to give her blessing for your marriage.
QSL... the times I have been out with my 2 lovely Egyptian boys and their Mums have called for them to go get them something from the store or go home and help her do something obscure which she could do herself is amazing. The boys go though as they have ultimate respect and love for their Mums, these guys would never lie to or deceive anyone in their family. You are right, blood is thicker than water.
LA clearly has no clue about Egyptian lifestyle or culture. Also clearly doesn't wanna listen either and has nailed this poor woman as a psycho!!!
And like I said on another thread yesterday, just becasue Egyptians do things differently it doesn't make them wrong.
Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
Our marriage isnt a secret, his father knows, his best friends know, my family knows... His mother doesnt at this time, because she will harm herself...Islam is his life and he follows closely...but were all human arent we ? I never said he is in anyway perfect but as much as I mentioned the concerns I have I wanted to be fair in showing that he has done a lot that is good. He could be an extremely good liar and manipulator, actor....and more....but im basing what I see on more then words, on actions he has taken with me several times over the past years. Much things he did for me he never had to.
quote:Originally posted by Cheekyferret: So he wants to keep the marriage a secret from his own Mum, in Egypt this means that your marriage won't be publicly recognised and therefore under Islam, not a true marriage.
Good to read you think he is following Islam correctly.
How do you know he isn't lying to you? How can you guarantee that his words on MSN are all true. The more I read about how perfect he is the more it seems quite unlikely to be true!
quote:Originally posted by learningarabic: Our marriage isnt a secret, his father knows, his best friends know, my family knows... His mother doesnt at this time, because she will harm herself...Islam is his life and he follows closely...but were all human arent we ? I never said he is in anyway perfect but as much as I mentioned the concerns I have I wanted to be fair in showing that he has done a lot that is good. He could be an extremely good liar and manipulator, actor....and more....but im basing what I see on more then words, on actions he has taken with me several times over the past years. Much things he did for me he never had to.
quote:Originally posted by Cheekyferret: So he wants to keep the marriage a secret from his own Mum, in Egypt this means that your marriage won't be publicly recognised and therefore under Islam, not a true marriage.
Good to read you think he is following Islam correctly.
How do you know he isn't lying to you? How can you guarantee that his words on MSN are all true. The more I read about how perfect he is the more it seems quite unlikely to be true!
Yeah we are all human but some of us don't have rose coloured glasses....
Well you seem to have concluded that all is fine, he follows Islam correctly, his family all bar the nutter have given you their blessing and he is the best thing since sliced bread. He has never asked you for anything and all he does is support you on MSN whenever you need him
Yours clearly is different.
I wish you years of blissful happiness and joy I am sure it will be a breeze.
Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by learningarabic: It is lovely idea, but if your mother will not sit and refuses to listen to a word your saying to her...and when u tell her this is your choice, she tells you she will harm herself if you go against her...then what ? How do you deal with who is not rational and fair ? Under most normal circumstances this is how any person would approach the situation. BUT his mom is not able to hear and digest anything except what she wants. Does being committed to his mother, mean he has to give in to her controling nature and do all things she says ? Again, this woman is not reasonable.
The problem is you are approaching this from a complete Western perspective. You are perplexed that she would control her son for the rest of his life and not "want him to have the life he wants". Sure, a Western mother would eventually let her son live his own life even if his choices are not what she wanted for him.
You say she is irrational and unreasonable. The rest of us are saying this is normal for an Egyptian mother.
It's not going to change. She (or anyone else in the family) is not suddenly going to give her blessing for your marriage.
I dont expect her to change and I understand this is Egyptian mother behaviour..but I have to tell you that his mom goes beyong the traditional behaviour... what is a son supposed to do if he doesnt choose this life that is planned for him? I have told him just do as she asks if you want to make her ok...and his says as she asks is not a choice, its not life as he wants. How to fix that ?
Posts: 41 | From: Canada | Registered: Apr 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
Oh don't worry, he can have 4 wives, he can always get a nice local girl to help soothe his Mum Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by learningarabic: Our marriage isnt a secret, his father knows, his best friends know, my family knows... His mother doesnt at this time, because she will harm herself...Islam is his life and he follows closely...but were all human arent we ? I never said he is in anyway perfect but as much as I mentioned the concerns I have I wanted to be fair in showing that he has done a lot that is good. He could be an extremely good liar and manipulator, actor....and more....but im basing what I see on more then words, on actions he has taken with me several times over the past years. Much things he did for me he never had to.
quote:Originally posted by Cheekyferret: So he wants to keep the marriage a secret from his own Mum, in Egypt this means that your marriage won't be publicly recognised and therefore under Islam, not a true marriage.
Good to read you think he is following Islam correctly.
How do you know he isn't lying to you? How can you guarantee that his words on MSN are all true. The more I read about how perfect he is the more it seems quite unlikely to be true!
Yeah we are all human but some of us don't have rose coloured glasses....
Well you seem to have concluded that all is fine, he follows Islam correctly, his family all bar the nutter have given you their blessing and he is the best thing since sliced bread. He has never asked you for anything and all he does is support you on MSN whenever you need him
Yours clearly is different.
I wish you years of blissful happiness and joy I am sure it will be a breeze.
Im not seeing things through any glasses, or I would have bothered to post here initially now would I ? Again, I was trying to give a clear picture of the situation. And my husband has done much beyond words on MSN, as I said he has done a lot for me that has been real actions, that he never had to do.
Posts: 41 | From: Canada | Registered: Apr 2010
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by learningarabic: I dont expect her to change and I understand this is Egyptian mother behaviour..but I have to tell you that his mom goes beyong the traditional behaviour... what is a son supposed to do if he doesnt choose this life that is planned for him? I have told him just do as she asks if you want to make her ok...and his says as she asks is not a choice, its not life as he wants. How to fix that ?
You can't fix it. I don't think she's going way beyond traditional behavior at all. You are the only one who sees it that way. Egyptian mothers are all about drama when they want to be. Nothing unusual about that at all. You just have to realize you are not the first girl to lose an Egyptian man to his family's demands and obligations. The power and control exerted over men (by their families) in this culture is never ending - even when the guy is well into his 50's. The guy can cry on your shoulder all he wants and tell you all about his dream life with you in Canada. You can't blame him can you? If you were destined to lead a life someone else chose for you (as many Egyptian men and women are), wouldn't you dream of and reach for another no matter how far fetched a fantasy life it was?
It's just a no-win situation you are in. There's nothing abnormal about the situation or his mother.
Posts: 1626 | From: whatever, wherever | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
And the only reason your marriage is no longer a secret is because his family accidentally found out when they found the marriage papers. You would still be a secret otherwise.
He didn't do you the courtesy of informing them through common decency!!!
I feel for his Mum!
Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
I guess all is really in the hands of GOD, and in time everything will become clear as it always does in life. Everything happens for a reason. and again, you cant inform anyone who refuses to listen.
Posts: 41 | From: Canada | Registered: Apr 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
Precisely but in this case the one who refuses to listen is you. Honestly, I don't think you really want advice as much as you want to vent out your frustration about your situation. Which is fine. You know your situation is not good. Regardless of the real truth, it's not good. I don't get how you think being hidden is ok. Nor do I get accepting the fact that your husband, his friend and your father-in-law are lying to your mother-in-law just to pacify her, temporarily. If my inlaws hated me or my marriage so much that I had to be hidden or part of a lie, I'd have to bow out to save my own dignity. You're a mother, what are you teaching your children about self-respect, self-worth and dignity if you accept being so shameful that you're hidden and lied about? There are so many men in Egypt, Canada, the rest of the world who wouldn't put you in this position. I won't dispute your husband's love for you as I don't know you or him, but I will dispute his courage and family values. Your mother-in-law may be a selfish, whiny, domineering woman but she's still the mother of your husband and she will be in his life forever. Is this really a situation you want to be a part of? Is this a situation you want your children involved in? Mother-in-laws have a long reach, she will still be meddling even half a world away.
quote:Originally posted by learningarabic: you cant inform anyone who refuses to listen.
posted
How much do you make things about just ureself in this life, that is the question...i guess if im functioning in life solely on ego then my first concern would be being hidden. Right now, my husband is suffering as well, not just me. You think he really wants things like this ? Im sincerely trying to see the entire picture and how each person feels in this. And I have made it very simple for my husband to choose his family and divorce me, I would understand this choice. However it happened, this man is my husband now and I can't just throw my arms up and walk away wihtout trying to find a way to resolve this. I feel he has great courage to have even married me and actually going outside of the mold and going for the life he actually wants. I dont know where under the description of having family values includes giving into a controling parent to the point of living a life you dont want for ureself. As much as he wants to take care of them always and be there for them he does not agree to them choocing who he will marry or who he will divorce. I see my husband does everything for his parents..when I was there he sent money home for them several times, bought his fathers medications...etc...he will do anything for them but he just doesnt want to live what they have planned for him. Did you ever think that maybe my husbands father can see that his wife is not being fair and reasonable ? My husbands best friend defended me because he has met me and knows that I am a kind and good person who only wants good for my husband and did not intend any wrong to anyone...he saw my husband and I together and could see our connection and devotion to each other. Before I came to Egypt I know he even had his doubts about us, but seeing us together, this all changed. My husband feels if only in time his mom can also be open to seeing us as we are, God knows we only want good, she will come around as well. I can easily just walk away, and this would all disappear pretty quickly, but thats not the answer at this minute.Usually the easy choice, is the wrong choice. Advice is taken, and trust me I think about all that is said and I respect all advice that is delivered in a respectful manner...but when ppl get rude and say things that are not necessary, its hard to take them seriously. If anyone I know is hard on themselves, its me. You know if my in laws had reason to hate me, and I had demonstrated some bad behaviour that was not forgivable, then I would agree with you and just walk away..but what they are doing is not right. Self respect and self worth are measured diffeently by everyone...u may see self worth ans being a strong woman who divorces her husband and walks away from him cause his family isnt being supportive another may see self worth and standing by ure choices and seeing them through to the end despite a very difficult situation...not giving up. Its all in ones perspective and based on personal values and belief...everything is in how we choose to look at it.
Posts: 41 | From: Canada | Registered: Apr 2010
| IP: Logged |
How many actual weeks have you spent together in person. Not online?
Where does he live in Egypt?
What is his job?
You are a mother... would you want to see your children leading a life you disapprove of? would you try to deter them?
How long have you been converted to Muslim?
How good is your Arabic?
When is he flying to Canada?
Will he have a job there? How good is his English?
Do your children know their step-dad?
Courage to marry you lmao... he had the courage as he didn't tell anybody about it! If anything he lacked courage by not telling people about you.
Posts: 11097 | From: Cairo | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[Confused]](confused.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Cool]](cool.gif)
only joking, we all know there are no gay men in Egypt lol.
![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic