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mysticheart, I'm sorry that you are going through this. I think it would be a good idea to see a doctor and get on some antidepressants to help you through.
We don't know the whole story and why he has done this but it sounds to me that he may be feeling the same pain that she is.
Good advice TL.
-------------------- "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) Leap and the Net will Appear. Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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separating yourself from society only serves to make things worse. keeping busy is the key.
women tend to wallow in their sadness and depression. if it's not clinical, get yourself back by occupying your mind.
Posts: 253 | From: canuk | Registered: Feb 2008
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Problem with that civil society is, that no matter what i was doing, or where i was , for the last year he has been every thought, every breath. Everything i did, going to work, i thought of the fact i was preparing for him to be here, being at home, preparing home to share with him, being with my kids, soon i would be with them and him doing it together.... I have to gather thoughts yes, but i really just dont know where to start, cause now, every thought is, he is gone. He will never be here, never share our home, never share the moments with the kids, its just hard to just ... stop. I want to take a vacation away, time away , take the kids somewhere nice but... when i think of it, i think i cant, as much as i love the kids, i dont want to do these things with out the one i love. I want to share life with him. Eventually perhaps, right now i just cant see it. I guess i have to learn not to love him first
posted
What you are feeling right now is natural. Every cell of your body is connected to your husband. Telling you to start a new life tomorrow would be irrational. It's a bit like mourning - you have to go through a 'cleansing' period, no matter how hard it sounds or will be. After a certain time you will see things in their right perspective. And although some wounds might never heal, you WILL be a stronger person because of this experience.
Posts: 2807 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007
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1. Denial: The initial stage: "It can't be happening." 2. Anger: "Why me? It's not fair." 3. Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my children graduate." 4. Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?" 5. Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."
If you're going through the five stages, hey...at least you're on number 4 and there's a light at the end of the tunnel very very soon! :-)
Posts: 2182 | Registered: Oct 2002
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quote:Originally posted by citizen: Mystic, I'm really sorry for what's happened, but you seem to be a serial heartbreak victim. It's time to dig out that inner strength and say out loud: 'I DON'T NEED A MAN.' The last thing you need now is another one. You need recovery time. Happiness comes from inside not from being an 'other half' (I hate that expression).
You have so much in life, you're an independent woman, you have a job, home, three children, you have more than the vast majority of women in this world. Be grateful for that, and be grateful you got out of this more or less unscathed, you could have been left with another child.
Listen to "I will survive' and few times, singing along as loud as you can and get back to work. Collapsing on the floor is for Victorian women having the vapours, not for 21st century Western women.
Yeah I was thinking of "I Will Survive" (gloria gannor??)
Posts: 478 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2006
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quote:Originally posted by mysticheart: Problem with that civil society is, that no matter what i was doing, or where i was , for the last year he has been every thought, every breath. Everything i did, going to work, i thought of the fact i was preparing for him to be here, being at home, preparing home to share with him, being with my kids, soon i would be with them and him doing it together.... I have to gather thoughts yes, but i really just dont know where to start, cause now, every thought is, he is gone. He will never be here, never share our home, never share the moments with the kids, its just hard to just ... stop. I want to take a vacation away, time away , take the kids somewhere nice but... when i think of it, i think i cant, as much as i love the kids, i dont want to do these things with out the one i love. I want to share life with him. Eventually perhaps, right now i just cant see it. I guess i have to learn not to love him first
MH--- dont set yourself up to become a victim. Every step of you life, should not have been around your husband. I understand you were preparing for a life with him, but never ever breathe for him. i know this is all to late to say now. You are so much better than this. One day, this pain will go away, and when you are ready, you will move on from this. Learn from this one, ok Chicka! Continue being the wonderful mother to your children, and the beautiful person you are. Stay faithful, and know that what Allah has for you, it is for you.
And remember--- Every dog has his day! Wait for it!
Posts: 478 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2006
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MH you sound devastated which is bothersome. You must understand that, while divorce is never fun, in this case it isn't devastating. It is possible to be thankful for small graces, you never lived together and were not as close as you might have been, your children didn't get attached before he decided to leave, he didn't take your money, he didn't use you for visa, etc. There are plenty of things to be devastated over, burns over 90% of your body, finding out one of your children has died or has a terminal illness, finding out a friend has cancer. You must try to keep things in perspective and know that perhaps you are mourning what 'could have been' and not so much what ever 'was'. Best of luck, stay strong. Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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You know, Smuckers, anyone who experienced a real heartbreak before knows how it feels. It feels like your life is meaningless at the very moment. You feel unbelievable sad, devastated, hopeless. You feel like you lost everything what meant something to you. You think constantly about your situation, you feel pity for yourself, you might even start to blame yourself.
Of course for an outsider it's easy to say look it's not all that bad, be happy for this and that, what you have. But I certainly can understand what MH is going through right now.
Tonya, just remember you are not alone.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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mh listen to the QUEEN song friends will be friends,i did when my husband passed over and over and i knew i was not alone, you are not alone we are all here for you . chin up , a door closes another opens its the way of things. hold your children close , they are your life now. my thoughts are with you manx.
Posts: 3945 | From: ' Res Contr ' Amor non es guirens, lai on sos poders s'atura | Registered: Dec 2007
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<There are plenty of things to be devastated over, burns over 90% of your body, finding out one of your children has died or has a terminal illness, finding out a friend has cancer.>
...or death of your loved one. Posts: 3833 | From: here,there,everywhere | Registered: Nov 2007
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MH so sorry to hear try to be strong, no words will ease your pain, take it one day at a time and in time the situation might change, he could have a change of heart
-------------------- Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away. Posts: 564 | From: planet earth | Registered: Jan 2008
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MH like so many others, i'm here for u x My thoughts are with u and i pray u feel better real soon x
My advice to you Pray and ask Allah to give you the strength to move on and forget what was not yours,the solution will not come overnight, even weeks but in time it will, stay strong x
Keep your faith real strong and Allah will prevail and give you the life you seek eventually just have faith in him and let him guide you.
You need no man, only your faith to make u whole.
I truly believe Things happen for a reason, only Allah knows why, but in the long run your life will become so much better than u ever thought possible. In time you will see this x
JUST STICK WITH IT and look after yourself x Good luck honey x Love and hugs to you xxxx
Posts: 634 | From: the Moon........... | Registered: Mar 2007
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Mystic you wrote about your relationship from the get go. I actually cheered for you when many here were mocking you and calling you all sorts of names. Would it be too much to divulge the reason given to you by your soon to be ex-husband. The reason to terminate your marriage?
I can not think of one reason why a man who supposedly loves his wife would do that. I can not think of one, unless he is going to do life in prison. You have been traveling back and forth to see this man and I know traveling all to well and I can confidently say that each trip cost a minimum of $2000 excluding the salary lost from the days you took off from work.
ES is a bizarro world where women pay for everything. You know in Arab countries this is 3ayib.
3ayib 3ayib 3ayib
And not only that it makes everything so much easier for the men and probably lessens the value of the relationship because they take it for granted - you know easy come – easy go. It is not easy to save a few thousand dollars to visit someone. You did all the work, you paid all the money, and you made all the sacrifices. Try to stay away from these kinds of relationships and as a man I am being truthful when I say it is best for you if a man comes to you rather than you flying across the world several times to be with one. There are certainly exceptions but I am talking in general. If this guy made the sacrifices that you made (and leaving your children alone from time to time is a great sacrifice) then he would not have dumped you in this manner. If this man was crazy in love with you as you are with him then he would have not dumped you. Paper love Mystic, don’t cry too much over paper love.
Posts: 2418 | Registered: Nov 2007
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'''.....as a man I am being truthful when I say it is best for you if a man comes to you rather than you flying across the world several times to be with one.....'''
This s right Exiled. If a man is really in love, he knows how to show it and if it s not a real love he doesn't sacrificce anything as he knows it will be finished one day.
I m really sorry for mh as I think she didn't deserve this after spending lots of money and having all her vacations with him in Egypt instead of spending her time with her kids.
But love is blind and she needs some time to heal.
Posts: 2591 | From: **Ex Oriente Lux** | Registered: Jan 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Cosmogirl: Sorry there Mickey.. but even if this dude were from Chicago, a bad breakup is the right time to call him like he is. He hurt her, and WORSE than that he allowed her to create a reality that included him. Dick move. WORSE is that he was capable of this the entire time and didn't let on that he was a DICK. Now this poor girl has got to come up with a way to explain to EVERYONE in her world why dude isn't going to be nesting in with her and romancing her across the midwest. She is a single Mom and those especially get "handled with care" because that is SUCH A BEAST of a job, and you don't get to string along single moms and then fake a pass to the left to get out of your promises when its GO time. She wears freaking hijab already.. and DUDE IS A DICK for mucking about in her mind and her emotions. I'll show her my support, by breaking both his knees. You go ahead and make her another cup of tea. All ways lead to healing.
posted
EXpat hitting us with the old Kubler-Ross scale of grief? BRILLIANT
Smucks and Exiled make too many good points to recap, and all I can add is this;
Life goes on. "Today you may not be what you want to be, or dream of becoming, but the one key to achieving your dream is determining not to quit".
And personally, I married myself a FOB Egyptian and the "reality" of living in the US and the social and familial expectations OVERWHELM what the average Egyptian man is used to doing in Misr. Himself lost his everloving mind for 2 years TWO YEARS! Everything from infidelity, to drug use, to arrest, to car accident, to extreme irresponsibility financially. I expected him to "get it together" much sooner than he was capable of doing. (AND Mine had lived in the US without me for 2 years before we married!)Now that isn't the norm for everyone.. and maybe your dude was "America Ready". But the level of patience and @sskicking it took to put my guy in the right frame of mind for a successful relationship was excruciating.
Did he even have a plan for how to make a living here? I bet he is such a pussy that he too has been playing "pretend internet love" and "holiday love" and was in no way prepared to move to the mid-west of America and step-parent your family. When you are mourning, remember you are grieving what "might have been", and not "what was". Because frankly I'd think you would welcome the end to this long distance garbage. And with this closure, you have the opportunity to make new choices. Best of luck to you, and renmember you always, always have choices. Do not sit on webcam and plead with this man to make you whole. in fact, I'd do a little bit of internet fasting, and avoid all contact with e-men completely. If you to talk to him, I dare you to call him a dick and close the chatbox. Men are like drugs, cold turkey works best.
Posts: 1071 | Registered: Aug 2005
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Cosmogirl you couldn't have said it better!
My heart breaks for you MH but in the long run...you will see that it is better this way.
Grieve, shout, holler...do whatever it takes to make you feel better...but remember...the sun will still rise in the East...and set in the West.no matter our feelings.
You will survive dear...you have 3 reasons to do so!
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In response to Smuckers, honey I know you mean best but My youngest was very attached to him, she had bought this book to teach writing in arabic, not an english word in it, she said momen would teach her when he arrived, she brought that book to me with huge tears in her eyes a couple days ago, said I guess now i will never know what it says.
posted
I don't know how old your kids are but just want to say this; Don't involve them too much in this. (They probably have exams before the Easterholidays. They have to focus on school now.) Moreover, they have to feel safe, loved and protected. You have to provide a loving atmosphere at home, no matter how bad you feel yourself. The heartache will pass... I agree with Cosmogirl (although I don't know the expression 'cold turkey works best' ) Avoid chatting for a while, you have to invest time in other things now. Your kids are top priority, always... Posts: 2932 | From: Just now and then | Registered: Nov 2006
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**** him
Posts: 2757 | From: YOU CAN ONLY SEE WHAT I CHOOSE TO SHOW, THERE IS SO MUCH MORE YOU JUST DONT KNOW | Registered: Oct 2007
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Believe me, i tell him often I will not forgive him and if he is lying to me about the reason, then neither I nor Allah will ever forgive him and he will never have peace.
quote:Originally posted by mysticheart: Believe me, i tell him often I will not forgive him and if he is lying to me about the reason, then neither I nor Allah will ever forgive him and he will never have peace.
Oh no! Don’t do this to yourself. Try to forgive! He’s the one that’s missing out on all the good things, like a wife that really loves him. Anger cost too much energy and doesn’t make anything better. In the end, one way or another, everyone gets what he deserves. So, do yourself a favour and don't spend too much thoughts anymore on this lowlife.
Posts: 119 | From: Where ever I lay my head... | Registered: Feb 2008
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quote:Originally posted by Express lane Five beers or less:
quote:Originally posted by MK the Most Interlectual: Oh no.
Never in a million years would I have expected such a heart-wrenching end to such an eternal love saga of such two mentally-stable people.
Been sarcastic really is like been happy because aguy you hate had cancer
support to be supported life is circle
i dont wanna get into any of this but you better then that mk cheers amr
You were not there when I was warning that bimbo not to fall for him.
That bozo does what he does on regular basis to get money and hopefully a visa. And when he found out that MizzTick hasn't got much to offer, he broke up.
I am not the slightest bit sorry for her and she does deserve all she gets.
I hate stupid women.
Posts: 8756 | From: Tax-Free Zone | Registered: Jul 2005
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Sorry MK, but I disagree. You don’t have to be stupid to fall into this kind of trap. You wouldn’t believe how many intelligent, grown up, people do anything to maintain the dream that somebody out there loves them. (Well, at least I didn't, untill I saw these thing happen to people I always thought were mentaly sane.)
Posts: 119 | From: Where ever I lay my head... | Registered: Feb 2008
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quote:Originally posted by Exiled: Mystic you wrote about your relationship from the get go. I actually cheered for you when many here were mocking you and calling you all sorts of names. Would it be too much to divulge the reason given to you by your soon to be ex-husband. The reason to terminate your marriage?
I can not think of one reason why a man who supposedly loves his wife would do that. I can not think of one, unless he is going to do life in prison. You have been traveling back and forth to see this man and I know traveling all to well and I can confidently say that each trip cost a minimum of $2000 excluding the salary lost from the days you took off from work.
ES is a bizarro world where women pay for everything. You know in Arab countries this is 3ayib.
3ayib 3ayib 3ayib
And not only that it makes everything so much easier for the men and probably lessens the value of the relationship because they take it for granted - you know easy come – easy go. It is not easy to save a few thousand dollars to visit someone. You did all the work, you paid all the money, and you made all the sacrifices. Try to stay away from these kinds of relationships and as a man I am being truthful when I say it is best for you if a man comes to you rather than you flying across the world several times to be with one. There are certainly exceptions but I am talking in general. If this guy made the sacrifices that you made (and leaving your children alone from time to time is a great sacrifice) then he would not have dumped you in this manner. If this man was crazy in love with you as you are with him then he would have not dumped you. Paper love Mystic, don’t cry too much over paper love.
I agree with this 100% When a man loves a woman nothing stops him from finding ways to make the relationship grow.
Men that accept money from women are seen as 'children' to say the least/not real men! '3ayb' means shame..
Please focus on your children and give them attention and love, it will help you heal! I promise! if they see you are ok they will be ok.
Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2007
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I forgot about this post, very sad. Talking about something coming back and biting you in the Ass. Too bad she never listened Posts: 1121 | From: Too crazy to look at a freakin map to find out.. | Registered: Sep 2006
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Most of us on this Forum have had some tough or even traumatic experiences in life. We could have been warned, could have had some premonitions...but there you go - life. But this is when we really learn. My life hasn't been a bed of roses either, but thanks to that I look at life in a more 'sober' way, so to say.
Posts: 2807 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007
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quote:Originally posted by MK the Most Interlectual:
quote:Originally posted by Express lane Five beers or less:
quote:Originally posted by MK the Most Interlectual: Oh no.
Never in a million years would I have expected such a heart-wrenching end to such an eternal love saga of such two mentally-stable people.
Been sarcastic really is like been happy because aguy you hate had cancer
support to be supported life is circle
i dont wanna get into any of this but you better then that mk cheers amr
You were not there when I was warning that bimbo not to fall for him.
That bozo does what he does on regular basis to get money and hopefully a visa. And when he found out that MizzTick hasn't got much to offer, he broke up.
I am not the slightest bit sorry for her and she does deserve all she gets.
I hate stupid women.
Ok, i will stand by for alot but i will make something clear. As bad as he has done to me, he did not take money from me, refused to let me pay for anything and in fact sent me money to help me pay for my bills. He did not look for the visa because fact is, he went to the interview, he told them that he didnt want it that he wasnt leaving egypt, they told him was he sure because they were prepared to give him the visa and he refused it. If he had wanted the visa he would have taken it, came then dumped me. That is not the case at all.
Posts: 2410 | From: Indiana, USA | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
so what was the reason for what he did? It has to be either he is married which my husband suspected when he met him or he has a child.
Posts: 1369 | From: California | Registered: Aug 2007
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After having been absent for a long time, on looking in here, I see these dreadful news... I am so very sorry to hear this, especially how you are suffering and sad now... How are you REALLY doing???? Deep inside??? And what are your thoughts / plans on dealing with this all, on how to put it behind you in the most constructive/ helpful for you way???
I herewith repeat some letters I wrote to you a year ago, when all of this was beginning (and sooo many people gave you kind and good advice out of CONCERN for you) -
the REASON I am repeating them is because right now, after what was predicted all along has happened, I think we are back to the CORE PROBLEM - WHICH, MY DEAR, IS SOMETHING INSIDE YOU!!!!! and that STILL needs sorting out, for YOUR own good...
So that a) you should never feel tempted to make such a rushed, dreamy decision again leaving yourself wiiiiiiiide open to future hurt, and b) so that NOW you can really deal with this, see it for what it was, put the blame where it lies and GET OVER THOSE 'LOVE' FEELINGS...
Note: Whatever the reason HE gives, whyever he is NOW unable to join you after all and does not want to continue with the marriage, is utterly irrelevant for proceedings. What is NOT irrelevant, however - this leading us to the core problem again - is that you still think you love him, hence are heartbroken and sad, you still 'understand' and you still make excuses for him... HOW ABOUT FINALLY LEARNING TO UNDERSTAND YOURSELF?????
How about you get real mad and angry, dear Mystic??? 'Understanding' of his (supposed) situation is neither here nor there, he LET YOU DOWN, very badly, and apparently quite unexpectedly, too, contrary to all things discussed previously.. If you only could get angry - instead of 'understanding' whatever foolishness he may be telling you, because, I am real sorry, it HAS TO BE foolishness, one does not marry for life and make plans to move elsewhere to so suddenly call it all off IF ONE WAS SERIOUS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!! - it would be a great, so healthy step forward for you...
Last point of great concern, which makes me butt in here again - sweetie, I see with really the very greatest of alarm that you are talking about men - and how and where to meet them, shortage of Muslim men around you - AGAIN!!!!!!!!
Dear lost Mystic, please, please, please re-read my advice to you from before... I HOPE you can hear it this time round, may be even give it some thought and consideration, rather than feeling as hopeless as you did at least once before already ...
And IF you want to discuss it, talk about it, perhaps even let me help - as much as I can from afar over the net, bearing in mind that this would be NO substitute for real professional on-the-spot help - I'm here, okay... Do contact me privately, I promise I shall do my best - and I hope you NOW are able to see that everything I ever said to you was out of concern and well-meaning and perhaps not all that silly, either...
Much, much love to you, I wish you ever so much strength, INSIGHT and wisdom - DO THE RIGHT THING NOW, MYSTIC, TIME TO TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!
You are in my thoughts, look after YOURSELF, Bubble
It is hard to find the right words here to express what must be said... Or rather, hard to find the right words to get through to you - especially since I am convinced that 'getting through to you' is IMPOSSIBLE, sadly... Due to your oh-so-hopeful, non-realistic state of mind, which you are not going to shed until you get serious, professional help.. (This suggestion is meant very seriously, and nicely, it would be the BEST thing you ever did for yourself, I am saying this out of CONCERN for you, even though you will be unable to hear this, too...).
Look at you right now - you are not worried one little bit that your 'love' is not all you made him in your mind, and what you so WANT him to be, no, you are only deadly worried now that 'mean people' are going to 'forward things to embassies'and thus 'destroy his life'?!?!?! What crap - such an act would not destroy his life (provided anyone really were bothered to do so), what it MIGHT do is put a spanner in the works of your happy-happy dream...
Which dream has been worked out in all it's details (in your mind), all the way to the move to Egypt from the US in 11 years, when your youngest is 18... ALL this without one day of actually living together normal day-to-day life, in fact, without even knowing each other in person, what's worse, with someone whom you have been talking to only since September - with a break in December, during which time HE chatted up others, and YOU contemplated the merits of an old lover - and then you proclaim your interest, HE, waiting for this sooooo badly, only looking elsewhere while he thought he lost you, jumped with joy that his true love returned, and hey presto!!!on 8 Feb you two decide to marry...
I would like to say to you READ the above sequence of events to see how very crazy this all is, but unfortunately you will not be able to see that...
Presumably you now feel that it is you and him against the whole, bad, wicked world, deep, deep romanticism, ca?? What could be a greater proof of love than you sticking by him against all nasty, jealous people, professing your undying love, SHOWING everyone how wrong they are...
And naturally, in your condition, all queries and red flags are only to convince you MORE how very deeply romantic and wonderful this is, how worthwhile fighting for it...
Dear Mystic, I said the other day that for a whole multitude of reasons you should not enter into ANY relationship - let alone one like this!!!!! - for your own good.... MAIN reason being that currently (and probably for some time, due to your past) you do not live in reality, but a dream world.
A dream world where it is ESSENTIAL that you are married, this equalling (in your mind) validation as a lovable, adorable princess for the knight in shining armour, and after this, all will be roses forever more and they will live happily ever after in all eternity... The kind of stuff that soppy novels are made of, NOT real and normal life, no matter how much a couple love each other!!!
The actual MAN is not important to you - hence it is so easy to go from one to the other to the next, every time a problem occurs that does not fit into your dream scenario (all planned 11 years down the road already) you switch back to another one and ponder all over again, all of this turmoil in an incredibly short time span - THAT ALONE should show you that it is not THE MAN who is of the essence here, it is THE DREAM - MARRIAGE!!!!
Since you married so very young and had babies while yourself still one, this turning into an unpleasant, abusive relationship, too, you will now feel that life has not fulfilled it's promises and you are owed and DUE some own happiness now, kids will cope... This feeling of having given for so long, and now being entitled yourself, is very understandable and normal - but with you this wish has turned into desperation!!!! Desperation which makes you contemplate suicide (very worrying, pleeeeeeease get urgent help!!!), sit alone in your room crying (but your children don't notice, yeah, right... Mum's mood has NOOOO effect on them, they are happy bunnies...)AND which makes you the easiest prey for anyone out there...
But desperation and a wonderful DREAM are not good starting points for choosing a worthwhile partner for real life - but then again, he does not have to be worthwile, it just has to be a HUSBAND (knight in shining armour, off to fight the dragons..).
Dear Mystic, you have suffered a lot in your life and there has been far too much abuse - others in a similiar situation spent a long time in therapy coming to terms with this, and growing from it, to make their lives stable and HAPPY - YOU have firmly settled in your dream world, and I fear you will stay there until next time all comes crashing down around you and you will suffer AGAIN... (At which point there will be a mixture of two thoughts in your mind - a) you do not deserve better, everyone always told you so when you were young and treated badly; and b) NOW the ones who abused you and made you suffer before can feel REALLY bad, cause look what they made you into, hope they feel guilty now!!!! And no, sadly they won't, only YOU will feel the pain...).
Well, you and your children, who for a start will collapse in shock and feel very betrayed, ignored and shunted aside when Mum returns from holiday announcing she married a total stranger... (But THIS you know, which is why you are not telling them).
Dear, dear Mystic, I am truly sorry to hear about your life and all the suffering - but you MUST realise that only YOU can change this for the better, not through The Dream, but through GETTING HELP!!! NOW!!!! HOW could you have any relationship, even with the greatest man in the world, when you carry all this deep-seated pain and damage??? The VERY BEST THING you can do is to get immediate professional help (nothing wrong with that, in fact, a very brave step!!) to deal with all of that and HEAL - so you are ready and open one day for a new love, if you want one..
NO marriage at this moment will magically solve all problems and make the pain go, it will all be there UNTIL YOU CONFRONT IT!!!! So do not ADD untold future problems and misery to your life now, because that's what any new relationship, let alone marriage, would be..
And to Momen - whatever your motivations and intentions are, do not believe for a second that YOU will just get what you want and come out of this unscathed!!! You, too, will suffer seriously in this - but then, seems to be worth it for you, any reasonable, truly loving man would see this lady needs help of a different kind first, not YOU adding to the upheaval and misery that is her life..... As it is, prepare to REALLY battle things you never thought possible, a good time will NOT be had here by anyone...
Mystic, I wish you well - even if you will not be able to hear me now, all the more you need good wishes... Greetings and best wishes, Bubble
No, I don't know Mystic at all, only her writings here (which I soooooooo wish she would print out and show to a psycologist... All explained in one session, help can commence...). BUT I know and have professionally encountered others like her, and so can see the problem... The tragedy, of course, is that Mystic is far too deep into this dream and loss of reality, she TRULY believes she is on the right track to make all things great.. And therefore WON'T be able to hear any of us here, no matter what we say...
Dear Mystic, quite honestly, if I were near you I would TAKE you to a clinic for your sake and that of your kids, too - to first force you to look at all these issues, if after that, you still feel like doing this (but you won't), then that would be a different and more rational thing.. Right now it is anything but rational, and sadly Mystic will not be ABLE to see that...
Which makes it all the worse then if other foolhardy, well-meaning ladies - yes, I mean YOU, Rose - encourage her in this... Rose, can YOU not see that Mystic is acting purely out of pain and fear, NOT LOVE???????? (Even if it were love, not one serious thought behind this, umpteen chances for this to develop into disaster..). If you really WERE her friend, you'd encourage her to get help so she'll be okay soon!!!!!!!! And THEN she can marry whoever..
To all kind ladies here - Mystic CANNOT listen to all our advice for reasons above... There is a tiny, tiny chance that she MAY at least think about getting the help she should have - really, after all you've been through, Mystic, you are entitled to that and really ought to do it..
However, any and all talk about Momen will - in her condition - convince her MORE that this love is pure and needs fighting for.. Because it gives her a chance to write more crap like 'For you, my love, don't worry, you have explained all' which makes HER feel wonderful, sooooooooo loving, so romantic, soooo 'us against the world' - wrong approach!!!
She also will not stop writing here and/or elsewhere about it all, she NEEDS to see her own professions of love in writing (makes it more real in an unreal world) in order to prolong / deepen this love of loves........ Remember, it is not happening for real, so this is the only substitute, a way to keep dreaming... Probably a good thing, too, rather write only than DOING crazy things..
Again, Mystic - please please go and see someone now, today, BEFORE you go to Egypt... You won't regret it, promise you!!!
All the best, Bubble
posted 15 February, 2007 10:02 AM ________________________________________ Thank you all, dear Laura, MK and DawnBev...
Whhooohooo, I am a NICE person!!! Hooray!!! Thank you... Actually not so much, and definitely not all the time - however, I DO have training as a counsellor (like a therapist / problem solver) and when a person is just SCREAMING in pain (as is happening here in sad, depressed post after post) I can see it, is all.. As many of YOU have seen, too, and so tried to address it, unfortunately all in vain so far....
Where you, dear MK, are definitely RIGHT though, is that my posts to Mystic here are absolutely sincere and straight from the heart - NOT because I want to spoil things for you, Mystic, not because I am a cynic, or jealous, but because it SO UPSETS me to see you in such horrible pain (thinking about suicide, for goodness sake!!! And the next day you are FINE and a wedding will solve all??? PLEASE realise this is NOT normal behaviour and get thee to a therapist, you will be applauded by so many for taking that courageous step!!!).
I wondered whether I should even waste my time in writing this advice, since I greatly fear it will do no good, but in the end thought it must be worth one last try... Because - there is nothing wrong with you, Mystic, you have just suffered on your own for too long and now are sadly misguided, that's all..
But due to all my experience, dear Mystic, I am CERTAIN that if you continue with this plan, very, very soon after ALL problems you have will be far, far worse plus some new heavy ones added now... NO MAN is going to live up to your impossible, pie-in-the-sky expectations, simply because no man can make all good that has gone before!! It would be wrong to expect that of him, whoever he may be, too - your chosen one is not responsible for your baggage, neither could he do anything about your demons...
I suspect you shall answer me that you have no such expectations - wrong, you doooo, and the mere fact that you are hitching ALL on this 'I MUST have a 'loving' husband, nownownow even if he just pretends and I do not know him, who cares who he really is, I need loooove' is ample proof of that attitude - those expectations of yours especially under the circumstances now are BOUND to be disappointed and since this is your 'last chance' (in your eyes only) this will UTTERLY CRUSH YOU -
so much so that you will really be totally irrational and seriously suicidial, and attempt it again. Which would be very terrible and a sad waste, because you CAN have a nice future if you go about it the right way, AND it would be the most dreadful and selfish thing to do to your children!!!
So don't let it come to this - and it WILL, if you persist with THE DREAM - cool it for now, take your time first, GET HELP ASAP, cancel the trip for now, and don't think of knights and love (in the wrong place..), think of and work on yourself for starters.... It WILL make you feel better, good and actually strong, stable, content and not needy - wouldn't that be nice now, Mystic??? No longer pleading and begging for crumbs of affection from whoever happens to come along, no longer being dependent on someone else's 'loooove' or moods, no longer having to pretend all kinds to oneself...
Think about it, dear Mystic, wouldn't THAT be a great thing to strive for??? And after you've done all that, then you marry - only that your choice by then will be a good one, instead of driven by desperation, pain and longing only...
Well, that's more than enough from me now... So I am bowing out here, but I shall STILL think of you and wish you TRUE happiness (without this man for now) for many days...
TAKE CARE OF YOU - YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.... Love, Bubble
Posts: 144 | From: Egypt/Europe | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
geez people does "i told you so" make you feel THAT much better about yourselves even when saying it is actually kicking someone when they're down?????? Unbelievable!!! Now I remember why I left in the first place!! I totally thought this site had improved but when a person who is super sensitive like mystic is at her worst you all (well not all but the ones I thought were getting better) circle around waiting for their chance to kick her until she's practically dead!
Let the poor woman heal for God's sakes and if you don't have anything to say that will be soothing to her in the next few weeks perhaps hold back a bit!
Posts: 1808 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
I personally think that if you get sound advice from people and you don't follow it, then they turn out right, you should just go. Not come back whining to them.
Posts: 6335 | From: Straight to my heart. | Registered: Sep 2007
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posted
No, ladies, you have misunderstood totally... I am very sorry if it should come across as you, dear Cosmo, understood it!!!
And, Doodle, by no means is that supposed to be a 'kicking' post - what do you think I am??? - but rather a 'take the initiative, get mad, sort out life' post...
I was showing these letters to Mystic again, because a) I really am DEEPLY CONCERNED about you, sweet Mystic - I do NOT want you to go there, to that point, again (you know what I mean, it was truly worrying enough already before) - as I was worried about you last year. THEN you did not hear me, did not feel that my waffling on about something other than the man did at all apply, but perhaps now on re-reading it, you can see it better???? -
and b) what can be done now, how best to get through and over this, how to feel better soon, will all depend on how the core problem is dealt with - this core problem is what I went on about till blue in the face last year, and it remains the same... And so NEEDS FACING AND OVERCOMING so that same behaviour leading to all kinds is not repeated forever...
Dear Doodle, you say 'Let the poor woman heal' - well, EXACTLY!!!!!! But all healing will happen much faster and be REAL only if one knows oneself, and manages to throw overboard one's baggage...
I am terribly sorry that for whatever reasons (which I do not want to know, irrelevant anyhow) this has happened and you are so hurting now - alas, I remain convinced that this is the tip of the iceberg, there is far more to it than that, the REAL thing to be tackled is something else - I sooooooo wish for you to feel better and really be able to turn life around and first and foremost put this sad, tragic experience behind you now, I hate to think of you completely sad and unable to think of / do something else - but that's why THAT must be sorted, it would speed up the healing process NOW and make things better allround FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE...
Again, if I can help - I really am frightened that you might get toooo down again, though you sound like you are holding up bravely right now - please let me.... OFF this board, bad enough I had to put the reminders of 'core problem' here, I did this IN THE HOPE that this time you do hear me - trust me, I would be far, far happier if all was well for you, Mystic!!!!
I do hope that you understand my motivation as it was meant - and also know that the offer is sincere...
Thinking of you, wishing you lots of strength again, mch love, Bubble
Posts: 144 | From: Egypt/Europe | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
i think the point people are trying to make isn't "i told you so" but rather...you didn't want to hear it back then....would you PLEASE now reconsider and seek professional help?
because mystic, you seriously NEED to speak to a professional.
Posts: 2182 | Registered: Oct 2002
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quote:Originally posted by Exiled: Mystic you wrote about your relationship from the get go. I actually cheered for you when many here were mocking you and calling you all sorts of names. Would it be too much to divulge the reason given to you by your soon to be ex-husband. The reason to terminate your marriage?
I can not think of one reason why a man who supposedly loves his wife would do that. I can not think of one, unless he is going to do life in prison. You have been traveling back and forth to see this man and I know traveling all to well and I can confidently say that each trip cost a minimum of $2000 excluding the salary lost from the days you took off from work.
ES is a bizarro world where women pay for everything. You know in Arab countries this is 3ayib.
3ayib 3ayib 3ayib
And not only that it makes everything so much easier for the men and probably lessens the value of the relationship because they take it for granted - you know easy come – easy go. It is not easy to save a few thousand dollars to visit someone. You did all the work, you paid all the money, and you made all the sacrifices. Try to stay away from these kinds of relationships and as a man I am being truthful when I say it is best for you if a man comes to you rather than you flying across the world several times to be with one. There are certainly exceptions but I am talking in general. If this guy made the sacrifices that you made (and leaving your children alone from time to time is a great sacrifice) then he would not have dumped you in this manner. If this man was crazy in love with you as you are with him then he would have not dumped you. Paper love Mystic, don’t cry too much over paper love.
WOW I'm impressed, great post! Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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quote:Originally posted by mysticheart: In response to Smuckers, honey I know you mean best but My youngest was very attached to him, she had bought this book to teach writing in arabic, not an english word in it, she said momen would teach her when he arrived, she brought that book to me with huge tears in her eyes a couple days ago, said I guess now i will never know what it says.
Hindsight is always 20/20, I would personally never have involved my kids with a man when the deal wasn't for sure that he would live there.
What happens if he was turned down for the visa and couldn't end up coming? She would be in the same situation...and for what? Perhaps without meaning to you have taught her that marriage is not so important, since it comes and goes so easily with the people closest to her.
This young daughter is learning from you, watching how you plan and talk about things that aren't set in stone yet and then watch you have to be depressed when it crumbles. I know you don't mean that to happen but with each decision you have to ask 'how will this affect my child'...never ask children to deal with grown-up responsibilities....she pinned her future, the same as you, on this man she never met. Bad example. But live and learn and I agree with Cosmogirl, I would put away the internet for a long time, it sounds like you've had your fair share of heartbreaks, time to get back to what counts. Best of luck. Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I completely agree with Smuckers. I rarely discussed my husband to my children prior to his arrival. I didn't want to get their hopes up just in case it didn't happen. Prior to his visa being granted I went about my life as if he wasn't coming. I didn't want to get my hopes too far up either. I didn't change my name, I didn't rearrange my life...none of that. When his visa was in his passport I sat down with my boys and discussed his upcoming arrival. Why drag innocent children into something that may or may not be? It's really unfair to them. Now you have a mess to clean up, MH. Not only a mess for yourself, but a mess for your children. I don't mean to sound like I'm giving you a hard time but it's really something you should've considered.
I hope you all can heal from this soon. Like Smuckers said, you live and learn. Please keep this HUGE lesson learned in mind next time you look for a mate. And please for the love of everything sacred on God's green Earth...stay away from Egyptians!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers:
quote:Originally posted by mysticheart: In response to Smuckers, honey I know you mean best but My youngest was very attached to him, she had bought this book to teach writing in arabic, not an english word in it, she said momen would teach her when he arrived, she brought that book to me with huge tears in her eyes a couple days ago, said I guess now i will never know what it says.
Hindsight is always 20/20, I would personally never have involved my kids with a man when the deal wasn't for sure that he would live there.
What happens if he was turned down for the visa and couldn't end up coming? Same situation, she would be in the same situation...
This young daughter is learning from you, watching how plan and talk about things that aren't set in stone yet and then watch you have to be depressed when it crumbles. I know you don't mean that to happen but with each decision you have to ask 'how will this affect my child'...never ask children to deal with grown-up responsibilities....she pinned her future, the same as you, on this man she never met. Bad example. But live and learn and I agree with Cosmogirl, I would put away the internet for a long time, it sounds like you've had your fair share of heartbreaks, time to get back to what counts. Best of luck.
posted
I hope you all can heal from this soon. Like Smuckers said, you live and learn. Please keep this HUGE lesson learned in mind next time you look for a mate. And please for the love of everything sacred on God's green Earth...stay away from Egyptians!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think that is a bit too much . She was warned before not to fall for this guy but she did not listen. I also disliked her attitude especially when she received those " warnings signs" from others members and did not listen nobody is perfect She obviously made a mistake and hope that she will learn from it. Her story can be helpful to many others women who are about to make the same mistake, so don't be too cruel with her, and those nasty comments are not really necessary, those words can sometimes lead a fragile person doing terrible things !!! you never know
posted
I must agree with Cheezy, if my own husband broke my heart and left me to wallow you should be damned sure that I would not be anxious to meet another Egyptian man anytime soon. Not to take it out on Egyptian men, but honestly...I would want to take a year (or more!) to heal, think about what is most important in life, get my self esteem back and move on and watch my children grow and mature. If anything MH could use this as a great example for her children, how to dust yourself off and pick yourself up when things get bad, a sort of survivor-mentality. This only works if you don't keep making the same mistake, though. Remember, children watch & see EVERYTHING! Except when you ask them to do something~ Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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