quote:Originally posted by mysticheart: ...She is a wonderful woman.
As for the reasons, I do not know what is true and what isnt. Allah and Momen are the only ones that know this....If what he tells me isnt true then Allah will deal with him and so will his conscience.
Don't count on his "conscience" bothering him, if he had one you wouldn't be here telling us he dumped you for his mommy.
You need to wake the ƒuck up and stop lying to yourself, stat.
Posts: 2404 | Registered: May 2006
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All I can say, the whole story sometimes seems surreal to me. But it DID happen, and it should be a lesson, a warning to all those who take (such) decisions in the twinkling of an eye.
Posts: 2807 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007
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Excellent information from Doodlebug on the visa process. Call the embassy now and find out the truth! Don't let him get away with this if he is pulling a scam on you. As far as his mother goes, she may be thinking he's leaving to join you and has no clue her precious son is doing otherwise. This guy wants his cake and eat it, too.
Posts: 370 | From: Other side of reality | Registered: Dec 2006
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Guys, I hope you are finished soon discussing this failed relationship.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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LOL@TL I am fairly new here and cannot believe how this saga continues, I really do not know what to believe anymore, seems as though MH has a long history with unsavoury men, I think she should be more discerning in her choice of men. I wish MH all the best
-------------------- Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away. Posts: 564 | From: planet earth | Registered: Jan 2008
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MH take a few months to heal, when the summer comes, take you and YOUR CHILDREN all on vacation somewhere and start to mend that relationship. I can only imagine what they have witnessed so far, they are slates and you write on their empty slates who they will become in everything you do, say and the choices you make. Teach your daughter(s) that it's better to be alone than to have a bad man, you are strong enough without him/them. Teach her how to survive and push on and learn from mistakes...I'm quite sure this will affect her in years to come, and I feel sorry for that. Best of luck.
Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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Very good advice, actually, there is really to much well said things on this thread. Good luck Mh, i really hope you are feeling better very soon.
How are you today?? A little better, hopefully?? Or still hiding away from everyone, shutting out the world, not taking calls, just sitting in your room, moping, thinking and crying?? If so - STOP THAT NOW!!!!
You KNOW from experience that that is no good for you at all, that on the contrary, you will only get stuck in those hopeless thoughts and feel more and more down... DON'T allow that to happen, do not give in!!
You HAVE to get yourself out of this overwhelming depression - not just for yourself, but for YOUR KIDS, too!! Look, just over a year ago - before this whole thing started - you were ALSO so deeply down that you were hiding in your room crying for days on end... At the time you claimed your kids 'did not notice' and were not affected by this...
Sorry, but you are WRONG on that, of course your children will 'notice' Mom hiding and crying all day.. Yes, you have reason now to be sad - but tell me, is this how you want your kids to think of you??? Some weak-heart woman who is forever crying and hiding from the world?? Do you know what you are teaching them there?? Do you know how they must WORRY about you??
FOR THEM, as much as for yourself, you MUST GET OUT OF THAT ROOM TODAY!!! Just for a little while.. But DO try and get outside, do something today... Look, all staying in there will not make the problem go away, only that the longer you hide, the harder it will be to get back... So force yourself to be active (even just going grocery shopping or going for a walk) for an hour, then you may hide again for a bit, then you come out again...
No-one is expecting you to be completely normal and jolly straight away, but you have to slowly START to make things better again..
I'd really love to get a daily progress report from you - by all means, continue talking about HIM, too, to get rid off your hurt - I'm glad you are writing at all - but it would be great if you could mention something else, too!! See, you have no choice really, you will need to get used to life without him - so let's make a beginning, okay???
Besides, there are at least 3 practical things, which you ought to deal with asap - how is your work situation?? Are you covered with a sick-note?? If not, sort this out, otherwise another set of problems awaits you on coming out...
Then - doooooo call the Embassy to find out the current status quo. Just because your own details are a bit hazy - you originally wrote on Tuesday 11 March that 'his interview WAS SET FOR SUNDAY 9 March' but on Friday 7 March he called you to call it all off and ask for a divorce... So, did he ever still go for this interview, or did he leave it, knowing he would stay in Egypt??? I mean, the above details conflict with 'he told them to keep the visa' - how, on the phone on Friday, too?? Or when?? Whatever, for YOUR peace of mind, find out from them what happened!!
Also, IF he did get the visa intending to use it secretly - I am saying 'IF', okay, so just find out!!! - and he then DOES use it and something happens, this could get well expensive for the sponsor (your mother, right??). So for HER sake you need to know what's what.
And lastly, as mentioned yesterday - WHO is paying for this divorce??? Where and how will this take place?? You SHOULD look into this urgently, before you find yourself lumbered with a whole lot of expenses for something you never wanted in the first place!!! After all, an international divorce can be complicated and costly, so don't let him make a fool out of you on top of everything else...
All HARD and unwanted stuff to deal with, I know - but sadly very necessary, which is why it it so important for you to switch off a little in between...
So come on now, dear Mystic, pleeeeease get out today!!! And write and tell us about it!!!
Get better, much love, Bubble
Posts: 144 | From: Egypt/Europe | Registered: Nov 2006
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Congratulations,Bubblesperson,you`re doing a great,down to earth job.No cutesy,nice/nice,fluffy words that lead nowwhere,but a usefull daily dose of professional,helpful advice. That is what a real friendly intervention.
Thumbs up and keep the good work!! Posts: 3833 | From: here,there,everywhere | Registered: Nov 2007
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this whole thing does not make any logical sense. He would of certainly had these feelings way before this about his mother. He just figured he didn't want to leave her at his visa interview? I don't think so. So he knows he is not coming here but goes to the interview and refuses the visa? I don't think so. When he met my husband all he talked about was his visa. So much that my hubby couldn't stand to be around him. I also heard where he lives in egypt men get married at a very early age. Anyways, none of this is making sense. We all have to cut the strings and leave our parents when we get married. This is a man who supposely works 18 hours a day so what company has he been to "mom"? Again, this makes no logical sense at all.
Posts: 1369 | From: California | Registered: Aug 2007
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Seriously who cares? I just hope MH gets over this trauma.... the sooner the better!!
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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Enough men that would consider marriage as the ultimate solution when the mother passes away. They are the kind of men that want to be pampered, and when mother isn't there to do so, they are totally helpless. After reading it all, I advice you to inform the embassy anyway, maybe they can inform you about what happened for real. They cannot bring him back, guess you don't want that anyway, but this whole story is strange enough to get answers to your questions. Perhaps you will not find them, in that case you have to accept what happened,and go on with your life, how hard this may be. Don't transform your sadness to your children, because they will lose trust in relationships to. Collect all your power to be their parent, and don't make them part of this, it is damages them.
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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I think MH has to work through a lot of things right now. Just give her some time.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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And what if she collapsed? She has been to hell and back and one can not just give themselves a slap on the hand and continue on their merry way. She loved this man and it is not going to take overnight to forget! Mystic my paryers and thoughts are with you sweetie....
Posts: 446 | From: USA | Registered: Dec 2006
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But if she collapsed, it would be reassuring to know that someone is with her and takes care of her.. Actually, either way it would be good to hear that she is not alone - not wanting to be hysterical or too panicky here, but our Mystic has actually attempted 'the way out' before, see... (That's all on here, too). Call me sthupid, but that has me very worried indeed, if such moods really, really set in, it is too easily done - that's why a 'check-in' would be so good.
Guess what I should ask here is whether anyone close friends with her has got her details and can find out she is 'around', that would be great!!!
If you see this, look after you, dear Mystic!! Hugs and best wishes, Bubble
Posts: 144 | From: Egypt/Europe | Registered: Nov 2006
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Let's just say as small details here and there have sank into my head i have hit the pissed as hell stage of this and pretty much he can ,,, nevermind, breathe, breathe, and do not be that way. Still pissed off though
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Good Mystic....pissed off is a healthy reaction instead of all this "be a nice girl" s....! It is OK to get mad at someone who hasn't treated you well. You go girl! Get really mad..it will make you feel good.
Posts: 206 | Registered: Mar 2007
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quote:Originally posted by newcomer: I didn't say that I was hoping that they should reconcile or that I thought it would be for the best in this particular case, I was just stating a fact.
And whether you like the fact that Allah declared this 3 month waiting period in the Qur'an or not is irrelevant; it is a legal ruling in an Islamic marriage and needs to be taken into consideration when encouraging mystic to do anything.
And I am sure that she still gets "nafkah"/money from him for 3 months since he said talaq.
To vanish your sadness ya MH, please read quran any time you can and salat Tahajud, you can cry and share your sadness to Allah/God as a moslemah. It is better way for you now. Let everything to Allah, and do not think about what will happen in the future. "Que sera sera... what ever will be will be...the future is not ours to see... que sera sera... what will be will be...
In Islam, Mom is always number 1 for son, and for wife... husband is number 1. My husband really loves and cares his mom and as his wife, I also must take care his old mom.
I am still thinking and pray for you even I have chickenpox now .
Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Almaz.: If the 'mother' story is true, and if in fact she is DYING, it is not unusual for a son that is used to project his own neediness on to his mother, to identify with the mother to whom he has to 'refuse' a request without feeling bad about himself, to the point of destroying his family.
The mother selfishness and control syndrome is not seen as such in countries like Egypt, Italy etc.. but more like a very 'normal' situation.
In MH case, if indeed it is true that he chose his mother over his wife and over a new improved life, this man is not going back to MH, not even when the mother passes.
His decision/reaction shows him as the controlled son.
In circumstances where the son-mother relationship is not based under the control and selfishness of the mother, the son would just have to postpone his trip, explaining the situation to the Embassy, and to the wife, then wait till the mother gets better or passes, continuing the long distance marriage, as it would be more logical than destroying it.
I agree with Almaz, that he can postpone it if he wants or maybe his mom asked him to marry other?
Posts: 756 | From: ...be solution... | Registered: Jul 2007
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Bugged by strange insomnia, I got up again and thus see that you wrote in - hooray!! Great stuff!! Thanks for that!!
So, it's the 'really hopping mad' stage now, eh - breathe, breathe, you are right - still, that IS a good, healthy sign!! As was said by Sparkle, if someone treats you so bad and puts you through hell, you are definitely entitled to a fair amount of righteous anger - (even temporary hate and feelings of revenge, don't worry about that if it happens, it will pass soon enough, too, but it's still a whole lot better than just feeling raw with hurt) - for now go and beat some cushions or hurl them against the wall, screaming loudly, that's often a great release (for a while, at least - until things are truly back to normal in the days to come). Just let others in the house know what's going on ('anger management') if you go for that screaming thing behind closed doors...
Hopefully, with a mixture of that - anger, hiding, going out, meditation and prayer, all at their appropriate times - you'll find you are much better soon...
Sooo glad you checked in, still cheering you on, take care of you, Bubble
PS. I pm'ed you, did it arrive??
Posts: 144 | From: Egypt/Europe | Registered: Nov 2006
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It seems you did not allow yourself time to grieve from the relationships previous to Mr. Mysticheart. So perhaps this is the *first real time* you are grieving ... and you need that to move on. Just to help you, there are 5 stages of grieving:
1-Denial- "this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger- "why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3-Bargaining- bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression -overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance- -there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.
Get help. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding love and/or happiness again. Helping others through something we have experienced is a wonderful way to fascilitate our healing and bring good out of something tragic.Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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I have kept up reading this mainly to see mystic posting. Alhamdulillah shes now getting angry! I also worried a bit as bubbles did, about the 'way out' but knowing mystic as she is, although a very sensitive lady she is a strong lady too under all that. only a strong lady would have shared this with everyone here and taken whatever she was given. She also has kids she is devoted to and THEY will keep her on the right road although it will be a rocky one, but she wont opt for 'that' way out. More of a crawl into a corner and cry/scream for a bit way out.
Mystic I would still like to hear you have been to see your doctor though, really you can get some help to free up your head a bit.
Dont know if you can get these in USA but BACH flower remedies are a natural way of helping, the Rescue Remedy is a concoction of different ones for major stress times, work great too although I didnt 'notice' how well until I stopped taking it
-------------------- If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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I'm afraid everybody around is expecting to much from MH. Only one week ago she told about what happened, so this is a relatively short time to recover isn't it? She will need her time, she will go through all stages in the time she needs. Nothing strange about that. And to MH: What at first sight looks and feels like a loss, might, on long term, help you to reach the biggest achievement in life. The nicest persons on earth are the ones who have expierenced a great loss and have been able to give it a place in mind. It forms the personality....
-------------------- “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Posts: 7202 | From: EU | Registered: Nov 2006
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quote:Originally posted by yorkshire rose: Yes they work good, and so does St johns wort, when you feel so low and depressed. Choose the drops rather than the capsuales.
St Johns Wart is great BUT NEVER take it if you are taking any other anti-depressant!! Its dangerous.
Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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quote:Originally posted by mysticheart: Let's just say as small details here and there have sank into my head i have hit the pissed as hell stage of this and pretty much he can ,,, nevermind, breathe, breathe, and do not be that way. Still pissed off though
Good Girl mystic.
(Hugs)
Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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agree with Ayisha re St Johns Wort - although herbal, it contraindicates with other herbal remedies etc, it can be very dangerous
Posts: 1056 | From: UK, Middle East & Europe | Registered: Jun 2006
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quote:Originally posted by ?????: I'm afraid everybody around is expecting to much from MH. Only one week ago she told about what happened, so this is a relatively short time to recover isn't it? She will need her time, she will go through all stages in the time she needs. Nothing strange about that.
I fully agree on that.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Originally posted by yorkshire rose: Yes they work good, and so does St johns wort, when you feel so low and depressed. Choose the drops rather than the capsuales.
St Johns Wart is great BUT NEVER take it if you are taking any other anti-depressant!! Its dangerous.
Good,good,Ayisha and DawnBev...im proud that you have this extremely important point on antidepressants sticking on your mind. Posts: 3833 | From: here,there,everywhere | Registered: Nov 2007
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sash, I do consider myself quite an expert in the art of depression
-------------------- If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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quote:Originally posted by desertgirl: And then you discovered the Honda Fourtrax quadbike, right?
No, Effexor XR.
Mystic - something just popped into my mind - if he did not want the visa, he would NOT go to the US embassy to just tell them that. If he DID go to the Embassy, he DID get the visa, period. Be careful - you are his sponsor and legally responsible for him if he makes it to the US, even if you are not aware of it.
Posts: 2238 | From: Mother Earth | Registered: Jun 2004
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-------------------- If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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Well at the moment am waiting on email from embassy, I have emailed them twice to ask what is going on but no response as thus far. I called DOS as well and was told to talk to my husband and find out cause they are unable to release any information due to privacy act?? Anyway, no i am not throwing pillows, I have contacted lawyers in egypt. What he did and is doing is wrong on so many levels and he knows it though at the moment he is busy trying to pretend he is the victim in front of a certain someone that knows he is married and is still staying with him in the flat. He thought he could fool me, and perhaps he thinks he can fool her as well, but he is doing the same cover with her as he did me, get a phone call and try to say as little as possible and in short tones so that as she listens she wont know what is really going on... Nice try for the cover dear. I shared some info with him and all of a sudden he doesnt want to be friends anymore, just wants out lolll, well, its not quite that simple, hence my contacting a lawyer. guess he thought oh, i will be nice and keep my wife hanging on the side in case this new prospective doesnt work out. Though he swears that this person is nothing and he would never ever be with her instead of me, that he would never leave me for someone else especially another foreigner as i am the very best person he has ever known,, at least this is what he was saying until she obviously was sitting there listening to him... Its ok, see the cheating, its what makes me strong cause I know full well i was a very good wife to him, the ONLY reason he walked away is because i wasnt the wife that would sit back and not question things that were noticed, or allow to be kept hidden when i did discover certain things. I demanded all his female friends know about me and well, poor guy, cant have a good wife and his play things as well.
quote:Originally posted by mysticheart: Well at the moment am waiting on email from embassy, I have emailed them twice to ask what is going on but no response as thus far. I called DOS as well and was told to talk to my husband and find out cause they are unable to release any information due to privacy act?? Anyway, no i am not throwing pillows, I have contacted lawyers in egypt. What he did and is doing is wrong on so many levels and he knows it though at the moment he is busy trying to pretend he is the victim in front of a certain someone that knows he is married and is still staying with him in the flat. He thought he could fool me, and perhaps he thinks he can fool her as well, but he is doing the same cover with her as he did me, get a phone call and try to say as little as possible and in short tones so that as she listens she wont know what is really going on... Nice try for the cover dear. I shared some info with him and all of a sudden he doesnt want to be friends anymore, just wants out lolll, well, its not quite that simple, hence my contacting a lawyer. guess he thought oh, i will be nice and keep my wife hanging on the side in case this new prospective doesnt work out. Though he swears that this person is nothing and he would never ever be with her instead of me, that he would never leave me for someone else especially another foreigner as i am the very best person he has ever known,, at least this is what he was saying until she obviously was sitting there listening to him... Its ok, see the cheating, its what makes me strong cause I know full well i was a very good wife to him, the ONLY reason he walked away is because i wasnt the wife that would sit back and not question things that were noticed, or allow to be kept hidden when i did discover certain things. I demanded all his female friends know about me and well, poor guy, cant have a good wife and his play things as well.
Oh dear God, it's not Josette is it??!! Posts: 1879 | From: Going to Graceland | Registered: Nov 2006
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I'm sorry Mystic that you only saw this side to him now after all this time but at least it was before he came to live with you.
I really dont know what to advise you, as most has already been said. I just hope for you that you can meet someone in person first next time as the internet makes it very difficult to REALLY get to know someone, men and women, and since you appear to be a person with an open heart you leave yourself vulnerable to being hurt, or betrayed by men and women who are perhaps not as caring as you.
Its also very hard to really get to know each other and whether you are compatible, because when there is distance between you its easy to be swept away with the romance and who you hope that person is, rather than who they really are.
Posts: 918 | From: Earth | Registered: Jan 2008
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I knew it wasn't the mother, some things you can just feel. Although considering what she knew prior to marrying him I can't say she should be all so surprised.
Divorce him already MH and if I were you, I would never call him again. What is the point? Best of luck. Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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That is the story he still stands by, I know better. Small little details fit perfectly into what i have come to believe. Sure, he doesnt want to leave his mom, that much is true and her health is not good but, that just doesnt justify ending a marriage, not if you love that person. Just little things add up and fit into what i have come to believe, and now he is making a show in front of her to make her think he is the victim, that i am just a horrible woman that wont leave him alone looool.. Nope, but i am a woman that deserves something back.
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