posted
Girls, seriously, it's a bitter thing what MH goes through right now. I am sure there is more to the breakup she might not want to tell and I don't think Momen is gonna join this conversation to clear things up.
MH is going through a traumatic time right now and she needs support so stop critizing and attacking her.
Seriously we should all be thankful that her husband broke up with her now, I am sure something bothered him immense with the relationship otherwise he would have taken the visa to join her and live together as a family in the US. This was a one lifetime opportunity to go to the States - if he was just a visa seeker - and I am sure he was very well aware of this fact. I am also sure that the embassy clerk was in disbelief that someone would deny to receive the visa; I don't think that happens very often.
Again MH is going now through a divorce, don't step on her but be with her. I am sure most of you have been at least once through a painful break-up in life. Give her a rest. She shared her life crisis with us ..... she needs your support.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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Hope you are doing okay… Main and – hopefully - most beneficial reason for you to re-read my letters – if you agree that my assumptions are correct, ie. that it is THE IDEA and THE DREAM which so attracted you, which you were/ are so longing for, and which made you act, then that actually bodes well for the future…
AND it also means that you do not have to be sad any more. Neither ideas nor daydreaming are reality, right?? Remember, you are mourning a wish, something THAT HAS NOT EVEN TAKEN PLACE YET!!!!!!!! (Aside from a very short time actually together, MOST of it was not real yet..). Do you see this?? You are mourning THE FUTURE, or rather, your dream of it.. (That’s all it was, so let it go…. No need to despair for this…). And hey, the future is in YOUR hands, so let’s tackle it!!!
And now that the dream is over, time to get with reality again and make it GOOD. Now, how to create the right foundations for the dream to become reality after all, one fine day – do try and consider this a chance. A great chance FOR YOU, to take CONTROL, to really once and for all TURN THINGS AROUND, to take time for yourself and demand that help you ought to have been given long before!!! DOOOOooo get rid off everything that is making you stand in your own way, sort this all out – you owe it to your kids, but most of all TO YOURSELF!!! – heal, feel good, strong and at peace in yourself – AND THEN… WHEN you are truly ready for someone else, right now you ought to get to know YOURSELF – and, see above, if NOW is not the time, when is???
This IS a chance to make everything better long-term – take it, please!!!
And DO try and get out of the house today, even half an hour!!! Go for a walk with the kids, let them talk if you must… But DO SOMETHING!!! Don’t give in to this, okay…
Big hugs, be better, Bubble
Posts: 144 | From: Egypt/Europe | Registered: Nov 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Tigerlily: Seriously we should all be thankful that her husband broke up with her now, I am sure something bothered him immense with the relationship otherwise he would have taken the visa to join her and live together as a family in the US.
That's what I was thinking. Be it an integrity issue of this man, indecision or any other reason he had in mind, better now than much later - would be even harder for all concerned.
Posts: 2807 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007
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Totally agree, dear Schmuckers... ( Hope you are doing good, hi!!).
quote:If anything MH could use this as a great example for her children, how to dust yourself off and pick yourself up when things get bad, a sort of survivor-mentality. This only works if you don't keep making the same mistake, though. Remember, children watch & see EVERYTHING! Except when you ask them to do something~
posted
Ahhh! The Schmuckers name, love it! I'm doing well Bubblygirl, thanks, hope you are well, too.
TL, I know you mean well and I do agree with you in part, which is why I (personally) haven't gone all 9/11 on MH with what has happened. I don't believe in kicking someone when they're down. I am mostly just concerned for the children...I think it is best that MH does learn from this and I'm sure she will. On that note, I think when she went into this relationship there were FAR TOO MANY standing idly by encouraging her in a relationship that looked pretty murky to begin with...and now look where she is. I hardly think doing the same thing again, especially when a newbie could be reading is worth the risk.
I think MH posted what happened here to warn others and to hopefully reach out a little. She's a bigger person than I am, I would have stuck my head in the sand and remained hidden, I applaud her for having the courage...big hugs MH. Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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tigerlilly, you're thinking like a normal, rational person. do you post your personal problems on the internet? do you fall in love and want to or do marry people you hardly know from half way around the world? repeatedly. you don't.
i know you're trying to help but mystic needs professional help. coming on here when things go wrong to get *internet support* is a symptom of the same problem as when she came on here when she fell in love, when the world was against them, etc.
it's a sickness, and as much as people have been trying to reach out to her for over a year - CLEARLY, a professional is needed for the sake of her health.
If any of you are really her friends, GET HER AN APPOINTMENT with a qualified counselor, for the love of god.
Posts: 2182 | Registered: Oct 2002
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quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers: TL, I know you mean well and I do agree with you in part, which is why I (personally) haven't gone all 9/11 on MH with what has happened. I don't believe in kicking someone when they're down. I am mostly just concerned for the children...I think it is best that MH does learn from this and I'm sure she will. On that note, I think when she went into this relationship there were FAR TOO MANY standing idly by encouraging her in a relationship that looked pretty murky to begin with...and now look where she is. I hardly think doing the same thing again, especially when a newbie could be reading is worth the risk.
I think MH posted what happened here to warn others and to hopefully reach out a little. She's a bigger person than I am, I would have stuck my head in the sand and remained hidden, I applaud her for having the courage...big hugs MH.
I agree with the first part about not kicking someone when they're down and I feel the devestation being experienced by MH.
I disagree that she posted here to warn others. Rather she is so depressed she doesn't know where else to turn for sympathey and support.
MH,
I've been devestated before and I have to agree with Bubbles about getting professional help. Only a true professional can help you discover why it is you continue to go down this path of choosing the wrong guys. Medication will also do wonders in assisting in your recovery to where you will at least get out into life again. This is not good that you do not want to leave the house or go to work. Your children are going to be affected by all of this and it's going to affect them as adults regardless of what you think right now. Children are smarter than we give them credit for. I should know. . .my mother suffered from extreme depression and it affected me as a child. I now understand later in life that none of it was my fault but her behavior affected the way I viewed life and myself.
I also know that in my darkness moments I prayed with an open heart and He heard me. I received answers almost immediately to let me know I was going to be ok. No matter what higher power we believe in (Allah, God) we have to keep our beliefs that they will hear our cries. They just need us to open our hearts completely to let them in.
With faith and professional help, you can end up a stronger person in the end. You are better off without this loser.
I have one question. . .how does anyone know that this guy actually went for an interview with anyone and didn't just make it up to make MH think he was "trying"? My gut tells me he made it all up. No way is someone going to go through the trouble of showing up for a visa and then tell the clerk he doesn't want it. There's more to this story than he wants to even admit to MH.
Posts: 370 | From: Other side of reality | Registered: Dec 2006
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quote:Originally posted by ExptinCAI: tigerlilly, you're thinking like a normal, rational person. do you post your personal problems on the internet? do you fall in love and want to or do marry people you hardly know from half way around the world? repeatedly. you don't.
i know you're trying to help but mystic needs professional help. coming on here when things go wrong to get *internet support* is a symptom of the same problem as when she came on here when she fell in love, when the world was against them, etc.
it's a sickness, and as much as people have been trying to reach out to her for over a year - CLEARLY, a professional is needed for the sake of her health.
If any of you are really her friends, GET HER AN APPOINTMENT with a qualified counselor, for the love of god.
Agree. Her friends should be very concerned about her lack of wanting to even leave the house and collapsing on the job because she is so distraught.
Posts: 370 | From: Other side of reality | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
If the one common denominator in this and the past failed relationships is YOU then obviously there is a problem. Perhaps professional help is the best thing and I don't mean that as an insult...most of us could benefit from time to time. But to try to figure out why you keep attracting men who end up the same way or how you keep finding yourself in failed relationships or abusive situations is the best thing you could do for both yourself and especially your children. If anything, do it for the chidren. Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers: If the one common denominator in this and the past failed relationships is YOU then obviously there is a problem. Perhaps professional help is the best thing and I don't mean that as an insult...most of us could benefit from time to time. But to try to figure out why you keep attracting men who end up the same way or how you keep finding yourself in failed relationships or abusive situations is the best thing you could do for both yourself and especially your children. If anything, do it for the chidren.
Repetitive failures in relationships are usually due to a lack of self confidence from the 'victim' who in general, falls easily in the trap of abusive people.
Learning how to appreciate one's self to gain a higher self esteem, usually helps when entering a new relationship.
Specific techniques on how to change old behaviors are extremely helpful. It takes a strong will, and most importantly an admission that there is an internal problem.
Mystic, if you wish to discuss this further, PM me.
In the meantime, please look at your children, and think how lucky you are to have them.
Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2007
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quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers: If the one common denominator in this and the past failed relationships is YOU then obviously there is a problem. Perhaps professional help is the best thing and I don't mean that as an insult...most of us could benefit from time to time. But to try to figure out why you keep attracting men who end up the same way or how you keep finding yourself in failed relationships or abusive situations is the best thing you could do for both yourself and especially your children. If anything, do it for the chidren.
Repetitive failures in relationships are usually due to a lack of self confidence from the 'victim' who in general, falls easily in the trap of abusive people.
Learning how to appreciate one's self to gain a higher self esteem, usually helps when entering a new relationship.
Specific techniques on how to change old behaviors are extremely helpful. It takes a strong will, and most importantly an admission that there is an internal problem.
Mystic, if you wish to discuss this further, PM me.
In the meantime, please look at your children, and think how lucky you are to have them.
I think that's exactly what it is. And it might often stem from childhood (though not always) - feeling inadequate, having dominant parents...
Posts: 2807 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007
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posted
bonzo quoted:- No way is someone going to go through the trouble of showing up for a visa and then tell the clerk he doesn't want it. There's more to this story than he wants to even admit to MH
I must i did think the same thing, or maybe he was turned down but didn't have the heart to tell you MH. Please listen to the advice given in good faith MH.
Take care of yourself and your little ones
Posts: 895 | Registered: Sep 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Bonzo: I have one question. . .how does anyone know that this guy actually went for an interview with anyone and didn't just make it up to make MH think he was "trying"? My gut tells me he made it all up. No way is someone going to go through the trouble of showing up for a visa and then tell the clerk he doesn't want it. There's more to this story than he wants to even admit to MH.
Or he *is* getting it and isn't going to tell her. Unless she writes the embassy she will never know for sure. It is quite possible for him to get it and come here and just not tell her unless she has it set up that the embassy is to notify her when he gets the visa. Something to watch out for but she knows that. Posts: 1808 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
You all really wanna know the reason, MOM! Moms health isnt so good and when faced with actually leaving her and the possibility that she die while he is away just ate at him. He simply can not leave his mom and have a chance that she die while he isnt there. That is that. She wants him in egypt with her and wants him in egypt for good and that is that. I lose out, again, to mom. I love the woman dearly, she loved me as well, just simple she doesnt want him leaving, though she didnt force it, he cant let her down and leave her
quote: originally posted by bonzo: I also know that in my darkness moments I prayed with an open heart and He heard me. I received answers almost immediately to let me know I was going to be ok. No matter what higher power we believe in (Allah, God) we have to keep our beliefs that they will hear our cries. They just need us to open our hearts completely to let them in.
I agree with this, and what many others have said here too but this stood out to ME.
Mystic, you converted to Islam and I hope sincerely it was for YOU and not FOR this man. Whether knowing him was what led you to Islam is irrelevant as long as you chose it for YOU.
Someone once told me when I converted that when you know Allah/God in your heart then there is really no NEED for a man, it was good advice.
Whatever his reasons I also agree this is better NOW than later. I know your every waking moment would have been filled with thoughts of him, in every situation you thought of him being there with you. Even shoping in the supermarket you would have thought of him being there with you. It was a daydream that you lived for a time and now its time to get on with real life with your kids.
We are all different and we react to things differently. There are many many great advices on here from different people and Mystic you should read them all and take from them what you can, even the ones that seem to say 'we told you so' as they are all out of concern for you and your welbeing.
I fully agree you need professional help. Dont take that in a bad way from anyone as its not meant that way. This has devastated you to a point the bottom has been blown out of your world, you can get help to put it back again and YOU can do it without a man, without THIS man. You are a super sensitive person Mystic, thats not a bad thing generally but it is when you are 'accepting' too much shite. I agree with whoever said get angry, you need to, then you will move on.
The reason he has given he would have known long ago, when this started, he should not have left it till now, the last minute, to tell you this. This is a good warning to many others here with the dream of having your man with you in your country, not all will leave Egypt no matter how much they say they want to, the family 'pull' is strong, much stronger than it is in the 'west'. MUM is always number one.
In your last post you say you lose out again, I dont agree. You have won more than you can see right now. Maybe you wont see it for years but this has happened for a reason. Sometimes we dont know or understand why God gives us these trials but there is always a good reason, He has better plans for you somewhere.
Go to your doctor and get some help and take 2 weeks to wallow, get signed off work for 2 weeks. feel sorry for yourself, get angry, cry, kick the doors, go out and throw sticks for your dogs, and stop 'accepting' shite. You are worth much more than this, more than he can give you. you need to KNOW this, you need to FEEL this, you need to DEMAND this. He lost, you won.
-------------------- If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them. Posts: 15090 | From: http://www.egyptalk.com/forum/ | Registered: Jul 2004
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quote:Originally posted by mysticheart: You all really wanna know the reason, MOM! Moms health isnt so good and when faced with actually leaving her and the possibility that she die while he is away just ate at him. He simply can not leave his mom and have a chance that she die while he isnt there. That is that. She wants him in egypt with her and wants him in egypt for good and that is that. I lose out, again, to mom. I love the woman dearly, she loved me as well, just simple she doesnt want him leaving, though she didnt force it, he cant let her down and leave her
But, Tonya, why didn't you mention this from the beginning? Look I haven't sad anything bad about your husband although I didn't understand why would he put you through all this, that all this love he had for you seemed to be so suddenly over.
You have people assuming here things, ripping your husband apart, how many of them told you in the last 48 hours to seek psychological advise, they talked about 'abusive' relationship and all this crap?
Tonya, seriously I was so happy for you when I heard you found someone who you love and he loves you back and you are gonna get married again. That's all what you wanted - to have a steady man in your life again and be a completed family, right?
Please do yourself a favor and don't fall in love with someone so far away. Look in your own vicinity once you are ready. The boyfriend you had before you took also trips to Egypt and you wouldn't see each other for months. And he couldn't even commit to marry you after several years. Wasn't it the same situation that your boyfriend could not relocate because of his parents? Now you found someone, married this person but it turns out he will not join you.
Wasn't this issue clearly discussed before that Momen is gonna leave his mother and Egypt once he receives the visa? Doesn't he have any other family members who can take care of Mom? Is there no alternative???
For some reason I don't think we get the whole picture and that is fine as it should have been a private matter between the both of you from the beginning.
Now you need to accept his decision although it's so hurtful. Please move on from this heartbreak. And as someone else said what can't break you can only make you stronger. You are in my thoughts. Take good care of yourself.
Posts: 30135 | From: The owner of this website killed ES....... | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Originally posted by mysticheart: You all really wanna know the reason, MOM! Moms health isnt so good and when faced with actually leaving her and the possibility that she die while he is away just ate at him. He simply can not leave his mom and have a chance that she die while he isnt there. That is that. She wants him in egypt with her and wants him in egypt for good and that is that. I lose out, again, to mom. I love the woman dearly, she loved me as well, just simple she doesnt want him leaving, though she didnt force it, he cant let her down and leave her
I'm sorry to hear about his mother, but that hardly makes makes sense. If you are a married couple you work though the rough times and push past difficulties in life. Jumping ship because of a sick mother is hardly logical - especially if you have both made a commitment to each other. Can't things be put on hold for a while giving him time to care for her? Unless that isn't really the reason and he's using it an an excuse to cushion the blow to you. ? If you feel you 'lose out' to the mother, something is wrong in that. I would be suspicious, but that's just me. Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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quote:Originally posted by mysticheart: You all really wanna know the reason, MOM! Moms health isnt so good and when faced with actually leaving her and the possibility that she die while he is away just ate at him. He simply can not leave his mom and have a chance that she die while he isnt there. That is that. She wants him in egypt with her and wants him in egypt for good and that is that. I lose out, again, to mom. I love the woman dearly, she loved me as well, just simple she doesnt want him leaving, though she didnt force it, he cant let her down and leave her
Mmhmmm
Posts: 6335 | From: Straight to my heart. | Registered: Sep 2007
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mysticheart, I can understand his feeling the need to stay with his mom. When my mother was sick I spent every moment possible with her. To say he should of thought of this before is a bit harsh. We all would of, could of, should of done things differently at some point in our life.
Why not move to be with him during this time? He is your husband. Why do you expect him to make all of the sacrifices? This is just one moment in your life. Moments pass and things change, then life proceeds to the next moment.
-------------------- "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) Leap and the Net will Appear. Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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posted
I think the issue is her children cannot leave with her, they are far too young. I just can't see why they can't just wait, what's the rush to be together? If your husband's mother gets sick and could be dying you hardly divorce over it....I just don't understand seeing marriage as so throw-away. You work through it, you get past it, it's called commitment. Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Well, people carry their young children all over the world. Children adapt, especially if they are loved. It would be an adventure for them. They can experience another culture. Sometimes we are only looking at one option and think all others are impossible. Then as time moves on we see how we could of done things differently.
I agree with you Smuckers. I don't think marriage is disposable, especially if you love each other. It is so difficult to find someone you truly love. There has to be other options than to end the marriage because his mother is sick.
I also know how it feels to have a sick mother. It's like time stops and the most important thing is to be with her.
Mistic is lucky to have a husband who cares for his mother. How could you respect a man who did other wise? I do not believe that means he doesn't love her. I think that if he left his mom and she dies while he is gone it could hurt the marriage.
-------------------- "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) Leap and the Net will Appear. Posts: 3891 | From: No good deed goes unpunished. | Registered: May 2007
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quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers: You work through it, you get past it, it's called commitment.
This is sadly a word that is lacking in a lot of marriages these days, both in the West and also in the East.
In the West it's common because people want to be "happy" and if their partner doesn't fulfil them and give them what they want/need, then it's off to find the next one who can.
In the East, it happens very often with women who don't have families that will put pressure on the man to fulfil his commitment to the woman or with those woman who don't tie them down with a large deferred mahr (dowry) that will make them think twice about leaving when the first test comes to their marriage. It's an easy come, easy go attitude that is sadly very common.
Ok, if you get a good one, then these things won't make any difference, they will find a way to work out the problems in the marriage and will stick at it and work hard at it. But if you get one that turns out to be average or less after the initial "honeymoon" period has passed, then these things can make the man try a bit harder to work out a solution, and may even make a man out of some of them. There are some that should be let go anyway, but with a bit of encouragement some men can turn out to be decent if they are made to take more responsibility.
Don't forget that most Egyptian men have been pampered by their mothers (and sometimes their sisters too) and when they get married it may be the first time that they have ever had to take any real responsibility for anyone, including themselves.
Posts: 4576 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2002
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quote:Originally posted by of_gold: Well, people carry their young children all over the world. Children adapt, especially if they are loved. It would be an adventure for them. They can experience another culture.
Bringing foreign children to Egypt isn't an easy option as they can't enter the public school system for free and good private education is very expensive.
In this case there are also the father's rights; a mother cannot just walk out with her children without his permission and she cannot leave them behind to go and live with a man in a foreign country...especially one who seems to think that marriage is so disposable.
Posts: 4576 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2002
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Mistic is lucky to have a husband who cares for his mother.
She doesn't anymore, that is the point. I would love to have a husband who would care for his mother and not chuck me away at the first sign of her demise. I would feel more lucky for that. However, I do hope his mothers health improves, it can't be fun to see your mother die - but it is, again, no reason for divorce.
Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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quote:Originally posted by With a name like Smuckers: She doesn't anymore, that is the point.
Actually, Smuckers, technically she does still have a husband. If he has declared Talaq (divorce), she will now be in her Iddah (waiting period) and is still his wife for the next three months. During this time, he can revoke the divorce. So if he can find a solution during this time, the marriage can continue. This is the whole purpose of the Iddah period, to save marriages from being ended hastily and giving time for problems to cool down so solutions can be sought.
Posts: 4576 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2002
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Ah good point Newcomer - part of me hopes they can reconcile, the other part isn't so sure. That would be far too much for the children to take, this on again off again faux step-father they've never met that they are devestated over his not coming...the entire thing just boggles the mind. Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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Here's hoping that today will be a little better for you... But, vain hope, sadly, it is apparent that you have not taken one step forward in your recovery yet...
Why do I say that?? Because as yet you have not commented with one word on WHAT you are going to do, on what you plan for now, what your ideas are to cope with this disaster, on how to put it behind you...
The ONLY thing you tell us is HIS excuse - irrelevant, anyhow - fact still is, he LET YOU DOWN SUDDENLY!!!!! and so HURT YOU BADLY!!!! BUT - you are DISCUSSING this with HIM - WHYYYYYYY do you still talk / chat / view webcam with him???? What for??? Since he is not coming, and asks for the marriage to be over, WHY should you PROLONG all heartache through having contact still??? How will you possibly be able to put this behind you, if lovey-dovey assurances (more from your side, HE is not coming, right..) are still flying back and forth??
Look, whatever the reasons he gives now, and whatever one makes of them (and here a little aside to Of-Gold, aside from the fact that HE has apparently not asked for Mystic to move over - thank God!!! - or he did (knowing she can't, so that's playing), she can't, only in 10 years' time, when the youngest is 18...) - the fact remains that IT IS OVER. Sorry to put it down like this, but this is how it is - and that is the FIRST THING you must come to accept in order to heal.
(Which is why I say 'irrelevant' to reason. Never mind that. END RESULT is important, it's over...).
There is NO POINT, and it will be sooooooo bad for you, if you keep on hoping, if you think that may be this will change, something may happen - hard as it is for you right now, STOP LOVING!!!! (Loving WHAT, anyhow??? A man you do not know terribly well, who strung you along for a year and who now CRUSHED YOU??? Get the hell MAD at him!!!!). And then STOP all contact with him!!!
You MUST, you cannot possibly feel better and learn to think of life without him again, if he is still constantly there, intruding in your REAL life...
Dear Mystic, the only way forward is for you to make a conscious, real effort to NOT think about him, talk about him (definitely not TO HIM!!), dream of 'what could have been' - just decide every day that you set times aside to FORGET. To suddenly never think of him is impossible, but try some small amounts of time for starters. Do something completely different, force yourself to preoccupy your head with anything else - do the crosswords (anything that requires concentration is excellent for switching off temporarily), do go for a walk with the kids, help with their homework, let them talk to you if you can't think of something other to talk about...
Remember that there is faaaar more to life than this man - always has been, but now he does NOT feature anymore, HE decided that... The sooner you will ACCEPT this decision, the sooner you will be able to think of what is really the ONLY IMPORTANT THING HERE - YOOOUUUU AND YOUR KIDS!!!!
So, acceptance, grief, and then down to the nitty-gritty - how can you ensure that the future will indeed be better??? Sweet Mystic, I am getting the impression that you feel I am trying to tell you something is wrong with you, you are crazy or so - NOT SO!!!!! You are not crazy or have bad faults, you have just had a hell of a lot to deal with FOR TOO LONG, is all. And you did this on your own... Which is the hard, slow, and sometimes impossible way to go.
Now, KNOWING how very beneficial and positively life-changing therapy can be, how much it can help, and how it can pull one out of a rut and a PATTERN ONE REPEATS INVOLUNTARILY, I have to tell you again that I consider therapy NOW as a truly life-changing opportunity for you. It would be very brave and courageous of you to start this (cause it is scary at first), but you will FEEL the good of it real soon... AND it would set a wonderful example for your kids, on how to NOT simply let things happen to one, to NOT be at the mercy of someone else / events, but how to TAKE CONTROL AND RESPONSIBILITY!!
Please write and tell us what you are doing today to get your mind of him for a bit - one small thing will do, just do it!! And let us know, I am ready to cheer for you... You CAN do it!!!
Now go and cut some flowers, hug the kids, and feel better today... Much love to you, Bubble
Posts: 144 | From: Egypt/Europe | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
It's a difficult call, I agree, but basically, they are still married and she cannot even consider thinking about anyone else until it is totally over and they haven't managed to work out a way to reconcile.
Posts: 4576 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2002
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quote:Originally posted by Bubblesperson: Hi, dear Mystic!!
Here's hoping that today will be a little better for you... But, vain hope, sadly, it is apparent that you have not taken one step forward in your recovery yet...
Why do I say that?? Because as yet you have not commented with one word on WHAT you are going to do, on what you plan for now, what your ideas are to cope with this disaster, on how to put it behind you...
The ONLY thing you tell us is HIS excuse - irrelevant, anyhow - fact still is, he LET YOU DOWN SUDDENLY!!!!! and so HURT YOU BADLY!!!! BUT - you are DISCUSSING this with HIM - WHYYYYYYY do you still talk / chat / view webcam with him???? What for??? Since he is not coming, and asks for the marriage to be over, WHY should you PROLONG all heartache through having contact still??? How will you possibly be able to put this behind you, if lovey-dovey assurances (more from your side, HE is not coming, right..) are still flying back and forth??
Look, whatever the reasons he gives now, and whatever one makes of them (and here a little aside to Of-Gold, aside from the fact that HE has apparently not asked for Mystic to move over - thank God!!! - or he did (knowing she can't, so that's playing), she can't, only in 10 years' time, when the youngest is 18...) - the fact remains that IT IS OVER. Sorry to put it down like this, but this is how it is - and that is the FIRST THING you must come to accept in order to heal.
(Which is why I say 'irrelevant' to reason. Never mind that. END RESULT is important, it's over...).
There is NO POINT, and it will be sooooooo bad for you, if you keep on hoping, if you think that may be this will change, something may happen - hard as it is for you right now, STOP LOVING!!!! (Loving WHAT, anyhow??? A man you do not know terribly well, who strung you along for a year and who now CRUSHED YOU??? Get the hell MAD at him!!!!). And then STOP all contact with him!!!
You MUST, you cannot possibly feel better and learn to think of life without him again, if he is still constantly there, intruding in your REAL life...
Dear Mystic, the only way forward is for you to make a conscious, real effort to NOT think about him, talk about him (definitely not TO HIM!!), dream of 'what could have been' - just decide every day that you set times aside to FORGET. To suddenly never think of him is impossible, but try some small amounts of time for starters. Do something completely different, force yourself to preoccupy your head with anything else - do the crosswords (anything that requires concentration is excellent for switching off temporarily), do go for a walk with the kids, help with their homework, let them talk to you if you can't think of something other to talk about...
Remember that there is faaaar more to life than this man - always has been, but now he does NOT feature anymore, HE decided that... The sooner you will ACCEPT this decision, the sooner you will be able to think of what is really the ONLY IMPORTANT THING HERE - YOOOUUUU AND YOUR KIDS!!!!
So, acceptance, grief, and then down to the nitty-gritty - how can you ensure that the future will indeed be better??? Sweet Mystic, I am getting the impression that you feel I am trying to tell you something is wrong with you, you are crazy or so - NOT SO!!!!! You are not crazy or have bad faults, you have just had a hell of a lot to deal with FOR TOO LONG, is all. And you did this on your own... Which is the hard, slow, and sometimes impossible way to go.
Now, KNOWING how very beneficial and positively life-changing therapy can be, how much it can help, and how it can pull one out of a rut and a PATTERN ONE REPEATS INVOLUNTARILY, I have to tell you again that I consider therapy NOW as a truly life-changing opportunity for you. It would be very brave and courageous of you to start this (cause it is scary at first), but you will FEEL the good of it real soon... AND it would set a wonderful example for your kids, on how to NOT simply let things happen to one, to NOT be at the mercy of someone else / events, but how to TAKE CONTROL AND RESPONSIBILITY!!
Please write and tell us what you are doing today to get your mind of him for a bit - one small thing will do, just do it!! And let us know, I am ready to cheer for you... You CAN do it!!!
Now go and cut some flowers, hug the kids, and feel better today... Much love to you, Bubble
very nice bubbles i wish you well also MH Posts: 9443 | From: USA...... | Registered: Jun 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Bubblesperson: The ONLY thing you tell us is HIS excuse - irrelevant, anyhow - fact still is, he LET YOU DOWN SUDDENLY!!!!! and so HURT YOU BADLY!!!! BUT - you are DISCUSSING this with HIM - WHYYYYYYY do you still talk / chat / view webcam with him???? What for??? Since he is not coming, and asks for the marriage to be over, WHY should you PROLONG all heartache through having contact still???
Hi Bubbles, just wanted to comment, as a Muslim wife, she is still married to her husband for 3 months after the declaration of divorce, and Islamically, there is still hope for a reconciliation during this time.
Posts: 4576 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2002
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Aaargh, ye Gods, dear people!!! Iddah-smiddah, is what I say to that... 3 months to find a solution?!?!?!!?! He had a year to plan for his aging mother and END MARRIAGE is all he came up with!!!!
Do you want poor Mystic to hope against hope that it will get magical suddenly after all??? This will only deepen and prolong all depreession by a few months...
Mystic, if HE is too much of a spineless coward to make the final cut, YOU DO IT!!! This is the rest of your life at stake here...
Love to all, Bubble
Posts: 144 | From: Egypt/Europe | Registered: Nov 2006
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She cannot change what she cannot acknowledge.
I agree with Bubbles. Reconciliation is possible theoretically but logically not. He met her, romanced her quickly - she came and married him, he was not hesitant about that. He chooses to dump her and divorce so quickly, even turning his back on the dear children who grew to love him and hope for him? I think anyone who encouraged this poor girl to marry this man should step up and tell her to divorce him ASAP, get some therapy, go on a vacation WITH HER CHILDREN and stop looking for a man, at least for a LONG LONG WHILE. Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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I didn't say that I was hoping that they should reconcile or that I thought it would be for the best in this particular case, I was just stating a fact.
And whether you like the fact that Allah declared this 3 month waiting period in the Qur'an or not is irrelevant; it is a legal ruling in an Islamic marriage and needs to be taken into consideration when encouraging mystic to do anything.
Posts: 4576 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2002
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I fully understand the situation with his MOM, but what sprang to my mind straight away is: Why didn't you say it earlier? I just don't get it...
Posts: 2807 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007
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I did not mean anything against Allah's ruling - though perhaps I sounded disrespectful, sorry, no disrespect to ALLAH meant!!! - neither did I call THAT 'irrelevant', I MEANT that talking of 3 months grace will only lead to our Mystic hanging in there... For what??? A man who so acts on the spur of the moment, more than once, who is one second happy to attach himself 'for life', then to willy-nilly throw it all away, what is to be made of his seriousness and commitment???
It would be more than tragic - and this is all tragic enough already - if you, dear Mystic, were still to think that all will work out WITH HIM and so keep on waiting / hoping/ suffering even longer... What's happening to you is just bad enough, poor thing!!
Concentrate on making life better FOR GOOD - and that DOES mean cutting him out THIS MINUTE!!!! To save what is left of your heart...
(Hope this explains it better, APOLOGIES if I caused offense, dear Newcomer!!).
Love to all, Bubble
Posts: 144 | From: Egypt/Europe | Registered: Nov 2006
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I admit it did sound offensive and it was me who said that what you or anyone else thought about Iddah was irrelevant, not that you had said that Iddah was.
But basically, whether anybody likes it or not, the situation is that as Muslims, mystic and this man agreed to get married to each other. Allah did permit Muslims to divorce, but He also laid down rules for this procedure, so that people wouldn't take it lightly.
He said that a man could declare a divorce and, if after three months he did not rescind this declaration, the marriage would be over. So, even though he has actually declared the divorce - which at this point we are assuming, but it seems from what mystic says that he has - he can at any time during these 3 months rescind it and mystic will once again be his wife, in the full sense of the word. And she will have no choice in this. So encouraging her to go off and forget about him at this stage could make it more difficult if he changes his mind, which - whether we like it or not, or we think it would be a good idea or not - he legally has the right to do.
This time would be better spent adjusting to the possibility that in three months that she will be a divorcee and free to do as she pleases, not starting to act as a divorcee.
Yes, mystic could divorce him, but she would have to go through the legal process with the courts to do that, and I am not sure whether, once he has declared Talaq, whether she can divorce him at this time or not.
This wasn't a western marriage between two non-Muslims, it was a Muslim marriage, and that should be borne in mind, however well-meaning people want to be.
Posts: 4576 | From: Cairo | Registered: Jun 2002
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quote:Originally posted by mysticheart: You all really wanna know the reason, MOM! Moms health isnt so good and when faced with actually leaving her and the possibility that she die while he is away just ate at him. He simply can not leave his mom and have a chance that she die while he isnt there. That is that. She wants him in egypt with her and wants him in egypt for good and that is that. I lose out, again, to mom. I love the woman dearly, she loved me as well, just simple she doesnt want him leaving, though she didnt force it, he cant let her down and leave her
What the ƒuck??
These people don't love you, nor do they give a crap about you. 'I have to stay with my mommy'? Are you shitting me??
Most people in the arab world have no concept of love, whether it's altruistic platonic love between close friends or romantic love between a man and a woman.
If his wench of a mother truly "loved" you, if he really "loved" you, then you'd be together without any of this BS.
That is not the case however. Your eagerness to be loved has caused you to abandon your own mores and concepts of love and a relationship, and you adopted theirs, which is the polar opposite of what love/a relationship should be.
It's between a man and a woman, not a man a woman and his fuckin mama, she can ƒuck right off along with everyone else that's in the way. Nothing less is acceptable.
You've given way to much of yourself that's why you feel depleted, and you're still holding on to some twisted concept of love that they convinced you was good enough, even tho deep down you knew it wasn't.
quote:Originally posted by mysticheart: You all really wanna know the reason, MOM! Moms health isnt so good and when faced with actually leaving her and the possibility that she die while he is away just ate at him. He simply can not leave his mom and have a chance that she die while he isnt there. That is that. She wants him in egypt with her and wants him in egypt for good and that is that. I lose out, again, to mom. I love the woman dearly, she loved me as well, just simple she doesnt want him leaving, though she didnt force it, he cant let her down and leave her
Most people in the arab world have no concept of love, whether it's altruistic platonic love between close friends or romantic love between a man and a woman.
I don't know Vanilla, you seem like quite a loving sort of lad to me. Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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Love means having emotional maturity, knowing when to let go, mutual respect - not acting on petty, whimsical bullshit that wastes everybody's time, which is what these folks did, waste MH's time.
He can go back to banging his sick mama til she gets better.
Yes, that was sick & wrong wasn't it? I don't give a ƒuck.
posted
VB that was kinda my point, I mean if she never really got to know the woman well, how does she know that his mom loved her? I agree with you though, IF she really loved her, she would encourage her son to be with his wife and begin their family and not turn his back on her....but sadly I really don't believe that's what any of this is about. I'm quite sure Mr. MH is up to no good. Sadly~
Posts: 13440 | Registered: Feb 2006
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UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
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I'm doing well Bubblygirl, thanks, hope you are well, too.![[Wink]](wink.gif)
On that note, I think when she went into this relationship there were FAR TOO MANY standing idly by encouraging her in a relationship that looked pretty murky to begin with...and now look where she is. ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
I hardly think doing the same thing again, especially when a newbie could be reading is worth the risk.
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If you are a married couple you work though the rough times and push past difficulties in life. Jumping ship because of a sick mother is hardly logical - especially if you have both made a commitment to each other. Can't things be put on hold for a while giving him time to care for her? Unless that isn't really the reason and he's using it an an excuse to cushion the blow to you. ? If you feel you 'lose out' to the mother, something is wrong in that. I would be suspicious, but that's just me. 
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